Journey
by MyMoony
Summary: As Severus joins the Order, he is forced to see Remus again after a year of silence. Surprisingly, Remus doesn't seem to share his longing and regret. How can Severus cope with this loss, his shame and serving the Dark Lord? SS/RL Sequel of The Teacher.
1. Prologue

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: Hello, and welcome to the beginning of my **Journey** :D. After long consideration I have decided to continue the story I began in The Teacher, which doesn't mean that those of you who don't know The Teacher cannot follow the story from here. Maybe you will like to read The Teacher as well, but there's no real need to know the story, I think. Though I do refer quite often to what I wrote before :). I hope everyone enjoys Journey as much as I did while writing and though it will be quite a long fic I hope you will stay with me to the very end.

**Journey** will be devided into three parts: OotP, HBP and DH. This is only the prologue which is still set in GoF.

Now to something completely other :): I find that writing Severus IC is very subjective. Should you find Severus too gentle or soft throughout the story, I can only offer as an explanation my own interpretation of his character. We only ever see him with people he hates (Harry for example), or when he has something to complain about or to be angry about (with Dumbledore), but in those few instances that we see him with people he likes, Lily for instance, he shows a completely different face (admittedly he was only a teenager, but he stays in love with her for his whole life, cries over her picture and protects her son, which, I think, shows his devotion and even makes him seem somewhat romantic and sensitive). He also seems relieved when McGonagall returns from St. Mungo's and he never lets anyone insult Dumbledore in his presence. Why would he not be gentler and softer when he is with those he likes, especially when he is with Remus in this story? We see him from Harry's point of view most of the time and he seems cold, cruel, snarky and rude, but I don't like it to reduce him to those character traits, I believe that he has turned very bitter due to everything that has happened to him, which doesn't mean that he is unable to feel and show that he feels. I believe, especially since we have seen him in "The Prince's Tale", that inside of him - and that is from where I write, almost nothing is uttered - he is not merely cold and mean, but a many-layered a person who will probably be friendlier than usual, if not cordial, when he is with the one he loves. Their relationship has grown, after all ... I still hope that I haven't made him completely sappy or emotional, but have maintained him cool and reserved nonetheless, and of course, always slightly (or heavily) sarcastic.

And now I've talked so much again and nobody reads it XD, please just enjoy the story and let me know how you like it, I would love to know!

**Journey**

_Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed,__  
__The dear repose for limbs with travel tired;__  
__But then begins a journey in my head__  
__To work my mind, when body's work's expired: __  
__For then my thoughts-from far where I abide-__  
__Intend a zealous pilgrimage to thee,__  
__And keep my drooping eyelids open wide,__  
__Looking on darkness which the blind do see:__  
__Save that my soul's imaginary sight__  
__Presents thy shadow to my sightless view,__  
__Which, like a jewel hung in ghastly night,__  
__Makes black night beauteous, and her old face new.__  
__Lo! thus, by day my limbs, by night my mind,__  
__For thee, and for myself, no quiet find._

**William Shakespeare, Sonnet 27**

**Prologue**

I am feeling _alone_. I am _scared_. I want to _see_ _him_. One last time. _Please_.

Stop _whining_. Clear your mind. And close it properly. You were out of practice but you have been preparing for this all year. You can do it! Just remember all those lies correctly, and tell them as if they were true. You've done it before. Don't worry.

* * *

„At least, in this hour of disloyalty, I can still respect you, Severus, you bear the pain like a man, standing up straight, and not a wailing wimp, writhing on the ground, like most of your comrades. At least, in the face of punishment you possess a grain of dignity. You were extraordinarily brave to come before your master after making him wait. And you were extraordinarily stupid to make him wait at all, and yet, I must confess it didn't surprise me."

"My Lord –"

"You know, Severus, that the only reason why I did not kill you the moment you dared show yourself here was my curiosity? Why did you come at all? Why risk death when you could have taken shelter at Hogwarts, where Dumbledore can protect you? Why if not because there is, miraculously, still some loyalty, some bit of the Death Eater I made, inside your body, why if not because you, like all the others, have only been waiting for my glorious return? And yet ... you did make me wait ... still, you don't crawl before me like Wormtail would, you are not making up excuses like Lucius did. How am I to understand you conduct, Severus, not only tonight but whenever our paths crossed? Did you deserve the pain I made you suffer or have I done wrong? What say you, Severus?"

"My Lord, I beg you to accept my apology, I can –"

"Explain … yes, you should. Lord Voldemort does not forgive those who have deserted him."

"My Lord, I never –"

"But he gives those who were loyal to him the chance to explain, Severus. You were brave enough to come here, unlike Igor, yes, you have faced me, risking your life, and quite frankly, Severus, I believe you have earned yourself a few minutes of my precious time. I will listen to you and afterwards I will decide if I believe you. You will have the chance to convince me, after all you've done me great services, services that I appreciate."

"I am grateful, my Lord."

"And you should be."

* * *

The grounds were tranquil and deserted in the semi-darkness of breaking dawn. Though the stands and the maze of the Third Task were still where the spectators had left them, shocked and confused, everything was still and silent, not even the birds made a sound. Only the discarded flags and banners on the ground told of the cheerful crowd that had celebrated their champions just a few hours before. Now an eerie calm lay over the place that had changed everything. The weight of death lay over Hogwarts Castle, and it lay on Severus Snape's shoulders when his feet touched the hard ground before the iron wrought gates protecting those who knew nothing yet of the horror that awaited them in the future. The soft _crack_ of his Apparition echoed over the silent grounds and the gates swung open with a squeal to let him in.

Firm steps carried him uphill, his black cloak whispering behind him on the moist grass. The rising sun cast long shadows on the ground and blinded Severus's tired eyes. When he was level with the Quidditch pitch, he stopped for a moment to look at the stands on which he had sat when the burning call shot through his arm had made him double-over, considered the place where Potter and Diggory had appeared out of thin air only a few hours ago confirming what Severus had known and tried to deny. Then he climbed the stairs and pushed open the gates into the Entrance Hall. Everything was quiet, no one was up yet, shocked and yet so blissfully oblivious they lay in their beds, believing Diggory's death to have been a tragic accident. How lucky they all were. How unfortunate were those who knew better. Or worse.

Severus descended the stairs into the dungeons where the darkness seemed absolute and the corridors endless. He was thankful that nobody crossed his path. His legs carried him to his rooms and with a look over his shoulder he entered. He closed and locked the door and when he had made sure he was alone he slumped against the wall and sank to the floor for his legs wouldn't carry him any further. He buried his face in his trembling hands with a shaky sigh. His nerves were not nearly as good as he'd have liked them to be. In fact he was glad he had made it back here.

He was aching with tense fear and his arm was still pulsing with a burning pain that had barely ceased ever since the call had come. Though Severus had known that the day would arrive when the Dark Lord returned he had not been prepared. He had not been ready. He had thought there would still be time. He had been deceiving himself. About many things.

Severus looked through his fingers at the door to his bedroom. Oftentimes in the last year he had slept on the sofa just so he didn't need to enter it. But the floor was so freezing cold and the empty sitting room so eerie that he didn't have a choice, he needed to get to bed, to sleep. Though he wasn't sure if he wanted to sleep at all. He scrambled to his feet with rather less dignity and grace than he would have let anyone see, and made his way to the bedroom, all the while unconsciously rubbing his left forearm.

He opened the door to his bedroom with a wave of his hand and stepped into the semi-darkness. The emptiness struck him in the pit of his stomach like the hind hoof of a centaur. He steadied himself on the doorframe and passed a hand over his face. He staggered to his bed and hesitated as long as he could before collapsing on it. His hands were shaking so badly now that his wand slipped through his fingers and fell to the floor. The clattering hurt his ears. His heart was beating fast and he was sure the sound of it was echoing off the walls.

Severus let himself fall on his back, stretching his limbs after such a long time of cowering and bowing and crawling on the ground, kissing the hem of the Dark Lord's robes. Severus shuddered. He was filthy. And he would become filthier still. Everything had started anew. Because he had returned alive. He regretted it. He regretted everything more than ever. He knew it was better this way, but for whom? The canopy over his bed made him feel claustrophobic. Being alone was scaring him. He wasn't sure if he could cope with everything alone. It was so empty. No one had been waiting for him. It was regrettable.

Especially because there could have been someone waiting. There would have been someone worrying. If Severus had dared. But he hadn't and it was too late now. Too late to whine at least. He just couldn't stop regretting it. Now that he needed him most. Pride and cowardice had got him into this situation. He was in bad shape, and it made him fear the future. His fingers dug into the silken blanket and he _missed_ him. Even now there was nothing hurting him more than that.

He curled up into a ball, hugging his left arm to his stomach. He wished he could see him now. Just one look at him. Just take a glimpse. Maybe he would. Later. Yes, just a glimpse. But he knew that he would want more than that when he saw him. And more, he couldn't have. The burning in his arm reminded him of it. More, he wouldn't have. The grief inside him was getting heavier while the terror was slowly ceasing. He wasn't sure which one he disliked more.

The trembling just didn't want to stop, though. The tension that made Severus's body ache was rather stubborn, too, relaxing seemed impossible. Maybe it was because Severus could barely believe that he had actually managed to convince the Dark Lord of the sincerity of all the wild explanations. Probably it was the fact that the other Death Eaters had not behaved much better, either, had not looked for their master when he had needed them. Oh, and of course the Dark Lord was arrogant enough to think that he could see through Severus and into his mind, for Severus knew how to make him believe just that. He would never suspect that Severus could actually lie him in the face without making a mistake. And it did cost Severus all of his energy to concentrate and control himself while being so scared.

He was exhausted now. And he just couldn't relax. He didn't feel safe. He didn't feel home. He couldn't put into words how much he missed him in this very moment. He wished he could forget everything. He wished he could go back in time, slap himself and prevent all this. And the knowledge that this was possible didn't cheer him up at all. But then again, when was he ever cheerful? He remembered how it was, but he didn't see himself experiencing it again. He was being a wimp! How pathetic. It was his own fault, he had made it so. Now he had to live with it. After all he couldn't just be hard on everyone else and not himself. _He_ wouldn't be hard on Severus.

Oh, stop it already!

The sun was slowly flooding the room with light, but it didn't seem to reach Severus for a long time. Sleep just wouldn't come either and after a few hours of unpleasant attempts to finally fall asleep he gave up. He rolled onto his back and reached out a hand to his left as he always did. He opened his eyes in surprise when he only found the sheets under his fingers. Disappointment washed over him. How could he have been so drowsy to think that there'd be someone beside him? His mind was mocking him.

He got out of bed quickly and walked to the window. He was aching. It was to be expected. His knees were shaking. He wouldn't be going up to breakfast today. He would wait for Albus to come and find him. He couldn't bear McGonagall's eyes on him. As he looked out of the window something sprang to his eye, or rather someone: the Diggorys were making their way uphill to the entrance of the castle where Albus was waiting for them. Severus could make out the grief and despair on their faces and as much as he tried he couldn't imagine what they must be feeling. All their pain made his own look small and not worth mentioning. Yes, he had lost those who had been dear to him, but how must it be to lose a child? Surely losing someone who had never been yours, or someone who had not died but been chased away by yourself was not nearly as devastating. And Severus was devastated to the extent of falling apart.

Suddenly he felt horrible. Even more so for complimenting the Dark Lord on his return, and most of all for defiantly thinking that he had experienced similar pain. He had no right to shut himself up in his rooms and mope. Severus summoned a house-elf and ordered a cup of coffee before he changed into fresh robes with great difficulty. His skin was so sensitive that the rough fabric seemed to be bruising it. Severus pulled his sleeve carefully over his left wrist and double-checked that the Dark Mark was hidden.

When the coffee arrived Severus took it from the bowing house-elf and dismissed it before gulping down the hot liquid as fast as he could, burning his throat in the process. He was sure he looked as bad as he felt. He didn't dare look at the mirror, he wouldn't be able to meet his own eyes. Instead he decided that the best way to stop his knees from shaking was a lengthy breakfast, so he staggered to the door and made his way into the dark hallway. He regretted it very soon for his legs weakened quickly and he had to support himself on the walls.

The stairs seemed endless, the darkness undisturbed. The silence not so. There were steps in the hallway, coming closer, cornering him. He had no strength to go back, or to hide, he had to straighten up and wait for whoever was coming. He was almost hoping for McGonagall. No such luck.

"What are you doing here so early, Draco?"

The youth flinched and looked up at him. "Good morning, Professor," said Draco. There was a glint in his eyes. And Severus knew that he knew. "I was too excited to sleep."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "You mean upset," he said warningly and for a moment he hated the boy. The strength was draining from him rapidly now. Hating took too much energy.

"Oh," said Draco and put on a face of false worry. "Of course, sir. Did you have a good night, sir?"

Severus clenched his fists. "Excellent, Draco, excellent indeed."

Draco smirked. "I knew it. Many people doubted you, but Father always spoke well of you, sir," he said and Severus knew what he was implying.

"Thank you, Draco. But I think that we should both be getting to breakfast now," Severus said, making an effort to sound flattered. Draco nodded and turned on his heel to hurry upstairs. Severus slumped against the wall as soon as he was out of sight, taking a few deep breaths to gain new strength before going on.

Only a few feet remained to be crossed to enter the Great Hall when Severus changed his mind. The buzzing voices were making his head ache already and he decided that after all he couldn't bring himself to eat at all, to sit among those clueless people who were surrounded by their friends and knew nothing of his suffering, knew nothing of the things he had done and would do. His stomach was churning. He just escaped McGonagall's eyes, turning right to exit the castle by the front gates. He stepped out onto the stone steps and into the blinding light of the new born sun. As usual the warmth didn't seem to be able to penetrate his black robes to warm his skin. Nothing had been able to warm his skin for a whole year.

Severus sat down on the topmost step and bowed his head, staring at the grass, wet with dew, at the foot of the stairs, his hair falling like a curtain round his face. His hand grasped his left forearm and he regretted having shown it to Fudge, the fool. He felt ashamed now. It was intimate. He had never shown it to anyone but Albus and … well, yes, _him_. Severus scowled. Not even now that … _man_ … had the decency to stay out of his head. As if Severus didn't have enough on his mind already. It was too much for him.

And when he closed his eyes to the blinding light of the sun, he realised that the worst was that he could still feel him sitting beside him, could still hear his hoarse voice. He still remembered how his hand felt intertwined with his own, how warm his skin was, how sweet the scent of his hair was, how bright his eyes were and how tender his lips. He could draw his outline into the air, he knew it so well, had traced it so often with the very tips of his fingers, had imagined it day after day and night after night. He knew every scar, every flaw, every imperfection that made him perfect. And he could still feel the pain in his whole body, the hot drops on his cheeks, that had ailed him on the day everything had broken down, the loneliness that had been mocking him ever since that day. Oh, what would he give to be allowed to see him again, if only for just a short moment.

In fact, all the time that shadow hung over him. That shadow of dark thoughts concerning only his loneliness. It weighed him down. It drained all strength from him. It had been hard on him all year but now it was simply unbearable. He huffed. He was no coward. He would do what he had to do. A half-truth. Lies were easier to tell than the unmasked truth.

Somehow it felt good to tell himself that it was his own fault. Suffering was painful, and pain was a feeling. It was better than emptiness. And better than fear. He didn't like fear, it made him feel like a helpless child. He didn't like to feel helpless. He needed to be in control.

Truth be told, he had lost control long before now. Yet unlike Karkaroff, the coward, he had not run away. He had looked death in the face. And realised that despite all the fear, it wasn't half as challenging as the face of a werewolf. A particular one, of course.


	2. First Step

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling, especially the excerpts from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: Most chapters are going to be this long ^^. So, Part One starts here, we're setting off and Shakespeare's just brilliant. Perfect, really. Did you know that most of his sonnets were written for/about a man? I can still cite the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet and I so liked Much Ado About Nothing! **  
**

I liked this chapter for Albus. Thanks already for your comments :D!

**Part One - Departure**

When most I wink, then do mine eyes best see,  
For all the day they view things unrespected;  
But when I sleep, in dreams they look on thee,  
And darkly bright, are bright in dark directed.  
Then thou, whose shadow shadows doth make bright,  
How would thy shadow's form form happy show  
To the clear day with thy much clearer light,  
When to unseeing eyes thy shade shines so!  
How would, I say, mine eyes be blessed made  
By looking on thee in the living day,  
When in dead night thy fair imperfect shade  
Through heavy sleep on sightless eyes doth stay!  
All days are nights to see till I see thee,  
And nights bright days when dreams do show thee me.

**William Shakespeare, Sonnet 43**

**First Step**

"The Dark Lord, as you doubtless figured, has chosen to believe me. Or at least he considers believing me."

"Very well done, Severus, I couldn't be more grateful."

"Anytime, Headmaster."

"Severus, I know that it will be very hard for you, but I must impress on you that it is most essential that Voldemort trusts you. What I mean to say is, no matter what sacrifice has to be made, you will have to make it. For the gr– … it is for the best."

"I will do my best to fulfil my task, Headmaster."

"I know … I know, Severus, thank you."

"Not at … it was nothing."

* * *

It was quiet. Morning had just broken and yet he was wide awake. He could not leave without coming here one more time. It was the last day of term and tomorrow he would be going back to Spinner's End where all he had was the fear of another searing in his arm. But right now, looking around this room was calming. Everything was silent as if he had gone deaf.

The coffee table was still the same. There were the brown rings that were tea stains that had been there last year when he had been here for, what he had believed, the last time. There was the slightly turned leg from when it had been thrown over by a falling body. It was still standing in the same old spot. And it was still standing in the same old living room, in which he had celebrated Christmas for the first time.

Severus stood transfixed. The last memory that clung to his mind was standing right here, after the werewolf had departed, considering those empty rooms, those lonely tea stains on the table, telling of a pair of cups, a pair of men. And now that the quarters had been cleared out, it was as though not a minute had passed since his last visit. Some fog of the werewolf's presence hung in these rooms. And Severus couldn't resist it.

His body was still aching from the tense fear he had been in. But no matter how troubled he was feeling, how stressed he was, there was a pain inside him that pushed everything else into the background.

It was that same pain. Deep, deep down inside his chest. He rubbed his eyes. It wasn't likely to go away again. Severus had come to terms with that fact. A whole year. Not a word. It was his own fault. He missed his voice. His hair. His hands and lips. Now more than ever. He could have written a letter. But he was scared. And timid. And disappointed. And ashamed. Hurt most of all. Still. He couldn't get over it. Nor over the other feeling.

Love.

Wicked feeling. How could he have put it into words? He couldn't even write a letter. Those words were too heavy for paper to carry them. It was impossible to write them down. But maybe he was mistaken. Maybe three simple words, tied together, would have been enough.

He was angry. Angry that Moody – no, not Moody, Crouch. Not that it changed the amount of his anger it just raised the amount of his disgust – angry that Crouch had lived here, contaminated this sacred place with his filthy presence. He had been angry all year. Still thinking that it was Moody. Just as bad. He should have been angry at himself.

Severus sat down on the sofa and looked out of the window. He felt as if he were neglecting his duty. His mind was not where it was supposed to be. It didn't seem important to think about the next time he'd face the Dark Lord when he could be thinking about a werewolf that was miles away and upon whom he would perhaps never lay eyes again. Yes, what was more important than bathing in misery? He deserved to pity himself a little. There was nothing in his life now that would give him reason to be satisfied with it. Somehow it felt good just being miserable for a while. He could be strong again later, when people were around him. Now he just wanted to be miserable and weak.

All year he had wanted to talk to the man who should be sitting next to him right now. Talk about the Dark Mark growing clearer by the day, telling of the Dark Lord's return, just like Dumbledore had predicted. Scaring him. About Karkaroff, the coward, making him sick with his panicked whining. Severus was not like him, he would never run away! And Moody – Crouch – Moody, oh, whatever – ever since the maniac had come to Hogwarts, waking bad memories, treating him like a criminal, sneaking around his office. And Potter, getting more impertinent by the day. And Dumbledore, letting it all happen. And about how he knew what he had to do but didn't know how to do it, or if he could do it. About his fear.

But he had not been there and Severus wouldn't talk to anyone else. Wouldn't find him, either. Instead he had kept it all to himself. He would never show Albus the pathetic feelings he had had all this time. Even though he thought Albus knew anyway. But his pride forbade him to display this weakness openly.

Albus knew too much about him already. Severus hated the way he manipulated him with his knowledge. It wasn't fair. He did that to everyone. There was nothing Severus could do about it, though. He had been granted Albus's trust even though he had never deserved it, he endured and accepted everything Albus did. Even the sneaking up on him without making a sound.

"Can I help you, Headmaster?" Severus mumbled in a slightly irritated voice.

Albus chuckled behind Severus's back. "I was just wondering if you are alright, Severus."

Alright. No, he wasn't. "Of course, I am _alright_," drawled Severus with a vague wave of his hand. "Just fine."

Albus walked into sight and looked out of the window. "Then why are you here?"

Severus considered the empty fireplace and sighed. "I have no idea …" he muttered.

"Of course you do," replied Albus and though he stayed for a long while, Severus still felt alone.

"I recommend some enjoyment," added Albus after a long pause.

Severus stared at his hands. Enjoyment? What was that again? Didn't that have something to do with the one who had left him? If that was true, he didn't want anything to do with that enjoyment thing! But that wasn't right. You chased him away.

"I don't know what that would be," mumbled Severus and folded his hands to fill the emptiness in them.

"You could develop a new potion …" Albus suggested.

And there was that question again: did Severus enjoy potion-making? Did he forget that he liked it because he was denied something else by Albus? Did he become ungrateful? Didn't he cherish what he had? Another thing that reminded him of …

"I don't want to brew …" said Severus and felt desperate. What was it worth his brewing? He would have to brew for the Dark side now.

Albus sighed. "Maybe you'll take a long walk through –"

But Severus shook his head. All that didn't help. No part of his life was pleasant now. Everything was messed up. Everything was broken. Why was he even here? Yes, why wasn't he –

"Why don't you do what you'd like to do then?"

Severus looked at him. Albus was frowning, his inquisitive eyes roaming Severus's face. When Albus turned to leave he stopped at Severus's elbow and said, "I will let you know when you can join us in the Order. I still need to find a place where we can meet."

Severus looked up at him in bewilderment. "What Order?" he asked stupidly for he could not quite believe it.

Albus smiled at him from under his beard. "The Order of the Phoenix, my boy, have you already forgotten what that is?"

Severus scowled and crossed his arms. "Last time I wasn't good enough for your Order …" he muttered petulantly and he felt that he had every right to be petulant.

Albus chuckled and put his hand on Severus's shoulder. "Last time you still had to prove yourself. And Lord Voldemort wasn't aware of our connection. Now he'll expect you to spy on me, and I will give you opportunity to do so … besides," Albus added and smiled, "you belong to us now, you have earned your rightful place among us. I want the others to know what you're doing for us."

Severus narrowed his eyes at him. He didn't know whether to be grateful or angry. "You seem to have given it some thought … I'm flattered."

"It is all part of the plan, Severus … all this is part of it, I just don't yet know the exact end of it," said Albus thoughtfully. Then he gave Severus a nod and left. Walked away. He just walked away, leaving Severus to his emptiness.

It was already dinnertime when Severus shuffled down the marble stairs to the end-of-term feast. He knew that Albus would talk about Diggory's death and who had caused it. He would have liked to continue down into the dungeons but he scraped up what was left of his discipline and steered left into the Great Hall, straightening his back with an effort.

Black drapes had been hung behind the High Table and Severus felt as if they were looming over him reproachfully when he sat down in his usual chair. Right then Severus knew what he wanted. But he had stopped using his name. And now it seemed there was nothing he liked anymore. When he met McGonagall's eyes she averted hers far too quickly. Severus regretted his role in this play. He wished it could have stayed a secret. Now that everyone knew he had that horrible Mark on his arm, there was mistrust in their eyes. Brace yourself for what's to come. It won't be easy. No one will help you.

No one.

He felt Moody's – the real Moody's – blue eye on him and he hated it. Nothing he could do – now and in the future – would change that mistrust in everyone's eyes. Even McGonagall shot him curious sidelong glances. He always wondered what she thought of him. He thought that she respected him, maybe even liked him a little. What was she thinking now?

When Severus's eyes roamed the Great Hall they lingered on Harry Potter who was looking back at him. It was unbelievable that he had escaped the Dark Lord. Another time luck had won over power. And arrogance. Severus wondered if Potter was scared. If he behaved correctly he had no reason to be. Severus would see to his safety. And if Severus would, the whole wizarding world would. But as foolish as he knew Potter to be, the boy would probably do something silly again and get himself into trouble. It was exasperating. All efforts that were made for him were in vain.

Severus rubbed his arm. It was prickling again. And though it probably didn't mean anything, it made him nervous. He looked away from Potter for he couldn't bear his eyes on him anymore. He had probably figured out by now what Severus was doing. After all he had seen the Dark Mark. Severus hated it all. He felt naked. Displayed on a stage. And what means exactly were justified by the end?

When Albus got up to give the speech Severus had been dreading he stared at his hands rather stubbornly. McGonagall poured him some wine, though Severus would have appreciated some of her strongest Scotch.

"The end of another year."

A heavy pause followed and Severus swallowed. Even he felt miserable. Of course he did. But then again that was no great change, he felt miserable all the time. Now, though, there was a weight on his shoulders that pressed him down on the table. Albus's grave voice didn't help either.

"There is so much I would like to say to you all tonight but I must first acknowledge the loss of a very fine person, who should be sitting here enjoying our feast with us. I would like you all, please, to stand, and raise your glasses, to Cedric Diggory."

Severus reacted a little later than the other teachers when McGonagall actually nudged him out of his trance. He stood, took his goblet, raised it and said "Cedric Diggory"; his voice was lost in the chorus and he wasn't even sure that his voice had worked at all. Then he nipped on his wine and it was dry and bitter and it made his throat feel like a desert. When everyone sat back down, Severus caught a glimpse of several weeping Hufflepuffs and for once he comprehended their tears.

"Cedric was a person who exemplified many of the qualities which distinguish Hufflepuff house. He was a good and loyal friend, a hard worker, he valued fair play. His death has affected you all, whether you knew him well or not. I think that you have the right, therefore, to know how it came about. Cedric Diggory was murdered by Lord Voldemort."

Here we go, thought Severus and couldn't suppress a shudder. Sometimes Albus lacked subtlety. On purpose. But those were children sitting before him. Terrified children. If Severus couldn't stand this how could they? He rubbed his left arm again and hid it under the table. The whispers in the Hall died away and there was absolute silence. Severus didn't like silence. It reminded him.

"The Ministry of Magic does not wish me to tell you this. It is possible that some of your parents will be horrified that I have done so – either because they will not believe that Lord Voldemort has returned, or because they think I should not tell you so, young as you are. It is my belief, however, that the truth is generally preferable to lies, and that the attempt to pretend that Cedric died as the result of an accident, or some sort of blunder of his own, is an insult to his memory."

Albus had a certain liking of trouble. He always did the right thing. But in the end, those who didn't want to believe would only believe when the Dark Lord was finally face to face with them. And then it would be too late. Draco and his friends were talking quietly. Severus wanted to beat some sense into them. Instead he would have to pretend to approve of them and their fathers. He clasped his hands. He wondered what else was coming that would make him feel even worse. He wondered when McGonagall would stop looking at him like a worried mother. He wondered if that was what she felt for him and if he'd like that.

"There is somebody else who must be mentioned in connection with Cedric's death. I am talking, of course, about Harry Potter."

Severus looked up and found the boy's face in the crowd. Potter looked as uncomfortable as Severus felt. The two of them were the only ones who knew the fright one felt in the Dark Lord's presence. Albus could never comprehend it. He was never scared of anything. He faced the Dark Lord as an equal. And those who were scared of the name couldn't even imagine how much more terrified one felt face to face with him who had killed for less than nothing. There was a difference, though, between Potter and him. Severus didn't run from the Dark Lord, he came to him of his own free will. It was ironic that both had equal success in surviving.

"Harry Potter managed to escape Lord Voldemort. He risked his own life to return Cedric's body to Hogwarts. He showed, in every respect, the sort of bravery that few wizards have ever shown in facing Lord Voldemort, and for this I honour him."

As Dumbledore turned to Potter and raised his goblet Severus followed suit with almost everyone else in the Hall and got up, raising his goblet and uttering Potter's name more as a symbol than really out of respect for the boy. Many of his Slytherins stayed in their seats and made him feel ashamed of them, for McGonagall shot him a reproachful look. He couldn't help it though. It was all he could do to get up himself. As everyone sat down again, Severus wondered whether anyone would ever talk about him that way. Whether anyone would know that those things could be said of him at all. Would anyone ever raise their glass to him and utter his name in respect and gratefulness and – yes – honour? In the end, would anyone remember him and the fact that he was on the right side? Would anyone believe it? Or even care? One person would, Severus knew. And probably that was enough.

"The Triwizard Tournament's aim was to further and promote magical understanding. In the light of what has happened – of Lord Voldemort's return – such ties are more important than ever before. Every guest in this Hall will be welcomed back here, at any time, should they wish to come. I say to you all, once again – in the light of Lord Voldemort's return, we are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided.

"Lord Voldemort's gift of spreading discord and enmity is very great. We can fight it only by showing an equally strong bond of friendship and trust. Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open.

"It is my belief – and never have I so hoped that I am mistaken – that we are all facing dark and difficult times. Some of you, in this Hall, have already suffered directly at the hands of Lord Voldemort. Many of your families have been torn asunder. A week ago, a student was taken from our midst.

"Remember Cedric. Remember, if the time should come when you have to make a choice between what is right, and what is easy, remember what happened to a boy who was good, and kind, and brave, because he strayed across the path of Lord Voldemort. Remember Cedric Diggory."

Waste of breath, Severus thought when he walked down to his rooms, loosening his collar. Enemies would stay enemies, strangers would stay strangers and those who could choose the easy way would do so. Maybe not all of them. Surely there were still some Gryffindors out there who were noble enough to choose the right way. The rest would act as if there was nothing they could do. Severus had never felt more like a Gryffindor than now.

Severus pushed open the door to his living room with his shoulder and let his outer robe slide to the floor, leaving it there to be picked up by the house elves. He was feeling more miserable than ever. Tomorrow he would have to go back to Spinner's End, which he never liked to do but now he liked it even less. His arm tingled unpleasantly and for a moment Severus feared it would turn into a burning. When it ceased he sighed in relief and scowled into the room. He needed to pull himself together, he needed to be ready at all times. Else he would be dead in no time.

No great loss. Good riddance in fact.

Severus went to the window and pressed his forehead against the cold glass. Everything was cold. What was warmth again? What was pleasure again? He pitied himself some more before going to bed and rolling up into a ball to sleep.

He could feel his heart pounding violently in his chest. He could even hear it. It was giving him a headache. His lips moved automatically. His voice sounded so controlled. He could hardly believe it was himself speaking. He had never been so scared in his life.

„If it is really true what you have been telling me, Severus, you will be allowed to rejoin our circle. In a better position than I left you in. Lord Voldemort is generous, you will have the chance to prove yourself. To prove your loyalty."

The cold voice was echoing in his head. His heart was still pounding violently. He was so scared he could hardly breathe. And yet the words from that lipless mouth let him drop his guard for a split second, their eyes met, a secret thought slipped from behind a curtain, his heart nearly choked him. The Dark Lord raised his wand and pointed it into Severus's face.

"Even so … I think a warning is in order."

With a yell Severus shot up in bed, panting. His heart was threatening to splinter his ribs. The moon's light illuminated the empty room, filtered by the curtains in front of the window. Everything was quiet. There was just Severus's breath. It was eerie.

_Nightmare?_ said a mocking voice in his imagination.

"I wish," Severus whispered and looked to his left where there was no one to be looked at. The bed was cold. Desolate. He was still sleeping on the right side. The hand he had unconsciously reached out to his left had no one to touch. He pulled it back, for the sight hurt him, and rubbed his eyes. He couldn't let go.

Severus rubbed his stinging arm. Maybe just a glimpse. Only a short look at him. That would be alright, wouldn't it? Even though he had no idea where to find him. This bed was not a place he wanted to be in right now. He couldn't be here. And while he was awake he could … yeah, just take a glimpse. A glimpse wouldn't hurt.

The stairs were in his way, he would rather have run flat out to the iron wrought gates of the grounds but he couldn't take more than three steps at once without the risk of falling and breaking his skull. Not a very dignified death for a wizard. His fast steps echoed off the walls and it sounded like more than one person running through the Entrance Hall, it rather sounded like four or five people following him. He didn't turn around. There was no time to lose. For he didn't know where to go.

He stumbled through the gates out into the darkness and down the stone steps hurrying over the moist grass towards Hogsmeade. By the time he reached the iron gates he was panting and had to catch his breath before opening them.

"Where are you going, Severus?"

He stopped in his tracks and turned round with a glare. "Out!" he snapped and crossed his arms. Albus raised his eyebrows and considered him with concern on his face.

"A call?" asked he quietly.

Severus was bewildered for a moment before he realised what that was supposed to mean. He hesitated. "Something like that, yes," he muttered, looking anywhere but at Albus. After all, it was no one's business where he was going in the dead of night. He wasn't going to just disappear. All he wanted was … Albus was suddenly smiling and Severus didn't like it at all.

"I see … I'm sure you'll find your way," said he and his eyes twinkled. "Take care."

Severus narrowed his eyes at him when he opened the gates to let him out. He didn't like the way Albus knew everything. It reminded him of … of course … of whom else? He stepped out of the magical field that guarded the grounds and turned on the spot without looking back, concentrating hard on where he wanted to go. When next his feet touched the ground it was mossy and soft. He was standing in the middle of a forest where the light of the moon just reached him. Was this where he lived? Severus couldn't see a house all round him, but then again it was probably protected. He would have to walk a bit to reach it. His home. A place that made Severus's imagination run wild. What did it look like? What did it feel like to be there? He would never be allowed to enter, right? He didn't have the words to ask for it. Now, that he wanted it most.

Severus decided to just walk deeper into the forest and was thankful for the soft ground that muffled his steps. The further he walked the stronger was his feeling that he was going into the right direction. When he reached the magical barrier that was supposed to work as an alert against intruders, he took out his wand and made a hole into it that he could slip through without being detected. He knew the other's magical signature so well that it was no problem to see through the structure of the spell. It was pleasantly familiar.

He continued on and only a few steps later he could see it standing in the middle of a clearing. The little house in the woods resembled its owner greatly. Though the garden was neat and well-cared for, with all kinds of vegetables, herbs and flowers in its patches, the house itself was showing strain and old age. The paint was coming off at places, peeling from the stone walls and the door, several tiles missing from the roof, the curtains that were drawn behind the stained glass of the windows moth-eaten; all in all it was a shabby old house, and yet there was a certain grace about it, the way it stood there, surrounded by trees in the half-darkness of the last minutes of night, as if it were holding itself straight backed to show the beholder that the outside didn't matter, that it made a nice home. And Severus was sure it did. Knowing who lived in it. Visible behind one of the windows on the first floor. Severus's breath hitched.

Remus.

There was a golden glimmer there, around his silhouette. Severus could just discern his tired features from this distance. It was calming to see him. He was sitting on the window sill, reading. He looked troubled. There was no doubt that Black had told him everything about the Dark Lord's return. But luckily Black was nowhere to be seen. It was only Remus. And though his name hurt Severus, his sight was soothing. For a moment, Severus thought about knocking on the door. Asking if he could come in. Smell him, feel him, touch him, kiss him.

But he had no right. The only thing he dared do was stand in the shadows just outside his garden fence and look at him. Dawn was breaking. Severus had not slept well in days. His hand was clutched tightly around his forearm. He jumped when the shadows of the surrounding trees lengthened. For a second he thought it was his master, looming over him. He shuddered. Alive. You're alive. You did it. Again.

And now he was here. Looking up at the unreachable object of his desires. He had found this place quite automatically. His great longing had guided him here. The longing he had felt ever since that fateful day. He couldn't help it. And when Remus ran one of his delicate hands through his soft golden-grey hair and Severus could swear that the scent of it was in his nose, and the well known shiver ran through his body, he knew why. There was nothing in this insignificant world that mattered. Right now, there was only that man up there behind the glass, looking so exhausted and distraught as Severus felt. And it was wonderfully distracting.

Remus yawned and closed the book in his lap, rubbed his eyes and for a moment looked as though he was fighting a crying fit. His face screwed up as if in pain, he laid his head back against the wall and heaved an enormous sigh. He made to fling his book from him but seemed to think better of it and just dropped it out of sight. Then he directed his gleaming eyes out of the window, looking thoughtful and somewhat desperate, sorrowful. What might it be that he was thinking about? Severus loved to imagine, loved to watch him, it was easier than being himself, thinking himself. Was Remus worrying about Potter? About the Dark Lord? Or perhaps…

For a second, their eyes met in the twilight and Severus knew that Remus had noticed him for his brows knitted and his forehead creased. He made to retreat into the darkness of the trees but then Remus was distracted, possibly by a voice in the room, and looked behind him. Next moment Black walked into view and laid his hand on Remus's shoulder, talking to him. There was a furious fire raging in Severus's stomach very suddenly. He walked slowly backwards and out of Remus's sight, for when Remus looked back at the place where he had been, his eyes roamed the grass, the trees, the darkness. When finding nothing, he rose and let himself be pulled away by the arm, following Black. The light was extinguished and Severus slumped against the tree behind which he was hiding and cursed Black so viciously that he was sure that in a second a bolt of lightning would strike through the roof of Remus's house and kill the bastard right there. Oh, cruel dreams, treacherous hope. Severus just managed to pull himself together enough to convince himself that Black had not led Remus to bed. At least not in the sense that would mean that he would die of strangulation by Severus's bare hands.

A last hopeful glance at the old tattered house assured him, that no one was stirring within and staring at the windows didn't make sense anymore. Nonetheless Severus stood gazing at the house that resembled its inhabitant so much for how long he didn't know before Disapparating to Hogsmeade.

A fire was already crackling in the sitting room when Severus entered it in the morning, suitcase packed, ready to depart. Albus was sitting in an armchair, waiting for him with folded hands and absent eyes. Severus cleared his throat in irritation and Albus looked up, startled and apparently unaware that it was highly impolite to intrude into others' private rooms unasked. He smiled at Severus who dropped his suitcase carelessly to the floor and turned away to pick up the two sets of chess pieces that still held a grudge against him.

"What is it, Headmaster?" Severus asked over the squeaking screams of the pieces whom he thought to be impertinent and insensitive to think that he was less disappointed than them or that they missed Remus more than he did. Nobody possibly could.

"Well, Severus, I wanted to talk to you about the further proceedings," replied Albus and – by the sound of it – summoned a tea kettle to pour them both a cup of hot water. "Where do you have the tea, my boy?"

Severus straightened up and scowled. Somehow his mood had become worse rather than better by his nocturnal visit. Probably because he had seen and not just imagined that there was somebody else now who kept Remus company. Whereas he, Severus, was still alone. He looked round at Albus who was still smiling patiently. Alone was definitely a matter of definition. Severus walked to the cupboard where he kept his tea and put some of it into the cups. Albus gave him a nod and indicated him to sit down.

"I hope your night was pleasant," said Albus casually and nipped on his tea. Severus glared at him but made no answer so Albus continued, "Anyway, the Order has been largely reassembled – or rather those who are left of it have agreed to rejoin it." He paused with a sad smile. "I have asked them to try and find new members, and Alastor has already agreed to talk to his former colleagues at the Ministry. I believe we have good chances of forming an adequate group."

"I don't," said Severus honestly. Albus gave him a look but didn't comment.

"So while I'm looking for a place to meet at, the others will look for new members and you," he looked into Severus's eyes and continued, "will go home and wait."

"Excuse me?" said Severus in indignation, "What do you mean 'go home and wait'?"

"I will contact you as soon as everything is ready. But until that moment I want you to stay put and wait."

"Wait for what? For the chance to _prove myself_? Why am I kept in the dark? You probably don't trust me after all!" snapped Severus and knew it wasn't true. But he felt left out, and angry. He feared Albus knew that he didn't trust himself with his task.

Albus gave him a serious look over the top of his half-moon spectacles. "Of course I trust you, Severus. You know I do. But until safety measures have been taken and nothing can go wrong anymore, I don't want to risk our plans to be exposed. I know you are struggling, Severus, you still need time to readjust. And that isn't anything you need to be ashamed of," he added when Severus huffed audibly. "But nothing may go wrong, now, Severus, you know how important that is. You of all people should understand that I cannot share everything with you. But when the time comes, you know you will be the one I'll rely on."

Severus leaned back and looked at the ceiling, embarrassed and feeling rather unworthy. He wasn't the right one for all this. "I am tired of waiting," he muttered.

"I know Severus. But we must be patient."

There was silence between them for a while and they listened to the birds outside. Then Severus looked round at Albus and rubbed his arm as he had done so many times during the last year. "Is the right way always the best way, Headmaster?" he asked and since he knew what Albus's answer would be he didn't wait for it, "I mean, Potter's great nobility cost another boy his life. This time it wasn't even Potter's own stupid heroism, it was his Gryffindor character that you value so much. Had he been egoistic, Diggory would still be alive. And – as far as you have told me – if Potter hadn't let Pettigrew go that … that night a year ago," said Severus and paused for a moment for the memory was clear and painful in his mind, "if he had let Black and … if he had let them kill the murderer of his parents, the Dark Lord would have had to wait much longer for his return. We would have had more time to prepare. What use is it to be noble and good if it only causes you pain?"

Albus looked at him with a small smile and Severus scowled at him. He was feeling like a student again. He didn't like to be patronised. "I think your argument is a little one-sided, you tend to look at the negative sides only," said Albus and leaned towards him. "Just imagine, Severus, how many people could have been saved in the past and could be saved in the future, if all of us acted as nobly as Harry does. Of course, you never know the result, and had Harry known what was waiting for him, he would have gone alone, leaving Cedric in safety, which would have been noble as well," he continued and after a slight pause he added quietly, "Just imagine, Severus, if you had acted nobly a year ago, what the result could have been."

Severus found that last comment rather cruel and unnecessary. But Albus had made his point. And there was no arguing, for it was true.

"Oh, and, Severus," said Albus when he got up to leave, "I might need you for something else, when the time comes … as you know, Voldemort and Harry are connected. It might become necessary for Harry to learn Occlumency."

Severus narrowed his eyes at him. "Meaning?" he asked slowly.

Albus smiled. "Meaning that I don't know a better Occlumens than you."

Then it dawned on Severus. "No!" he said and sprang to his feet. "Absolutely not! Teach him yourself if you must, but I won't!"

"Maybe it won't even be necessary … but if it will, I need you to do it. I cannot give Voldemort the opportunity to use this connection while Harry is alone with me. That would be foolish. And you are the only one who can help Harry to learn to close his mind to Voldemort's."

Severus knew that it wasn't a request. There was no way to get out of it. Another reason to feel miserable. His life was getting better by the day, wasn't it?

"Have a good journey home, Severus," said Albus and left Severus glaring after him. After a few minutes he sighed and accepted his fate. He picked up his suitcase and resisted the urge to rub his arm. The tingling was becoming warmer and warmer.


	3. Visitors

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: Okay, hereby thanking everyone who's commented! Any questions? Just ask.

**Emily-Pino: ** I always blush when I read your comments and I'm glad that you enjoyed it. I'm very nervous about this story, I found it difficult to write.

**KnockerOnADoor: **I'll keep the fish safe in it's tank ;), thanks for that compliment it means a lot to me :D!

**strix noctis**: Your opinion does matter :), thanks for staying anyway, and my holidays were crappy but nevermind XD hope yours were good.

**Smurny**: My style might be changed a bit here because I intended to show the chaos in Severus's mind by the confusing changes. I hope that in later chapters it will be a bit easier to follow ^^. And Severus found Remus's house by Determination I think :). I imagine that wizards can find places they've never been before by thinking hard of where they want to go and hanging on to them while they Apparate, that's why Dumbledore says that Severus will find his way; the old coot knows more than he should ;D. of course I wouldn't know if that's actually possible ^^" ... I like Snape's wilful blindness ;).

**Gardening!Remus**: I might have been inspired subconsciously by Salvage What You Can from Snape'sNighty, I only remembered when I had already written it so I didnt change it anymore. But here Remus does his gardening merely to while away the lonely time, I thought he would have taken to that on a day that just wouldnt end, merely so he would have something to do, a purpose and so on, I liked that idea because I have friends who tell me that they feel lonely without a plant in their flats, personally I always kill my plant, let them dry up, thankfully my dog tells me when he wants something to eat or drink ;D.**  
**

**House in the Forest**: I was entirely logical about this apart from the fact that I liked it. Oh, I wasn't aware that there were so many people writing about Remus as living in the forest, I haven't read many ffs in which it was necessary for Remus to live anywhere, really ^^. Just my reasoning, here, Remus living a bit away from prying eyes and nosy ears :). And for Severus it is some kind of refuge to step from one world into another. I once walked through a Scottish forest, it looked very much enchanted and I imagined it when I wrote about Remus's home ... A few clichés are allowed, right? And I definitely hope that it fits into my story ;).

**Nice!Voldemort**: I had to chuckle a bit here, I didn't notice how nice he was, but of course you are right, I'm so sorry, sometimes others have to tell you that something isn't right, thanks! I wasn't planning to write Voldemort at all, can you imagine? Then I realised I must and I thought up this ridiculous concept of inserting these passages of only conversation, so I wouldn't have to write him properly, later I gave up on it, so don't worry Voldemort and the Death Eaters will appear at length and he's not as nice as in the first chapter! Maybe I'll rewrite that one. Forgive me that blunder :O.

* * *

**Visitors**

"Unfortunately, the boy escaped, as most of you have witnessed, and been punished for. Yes, shudder before such memories and don't forget them, my foolish friends, Lord Voldemort has not grown soft. Failure will be punished, success rewarded, I hope you still remember this.

"The boy's escape has forced me to alter my plans, we must move carefully, silently, the Ministry must be unaware of my rise and so it shall remain."

"But, my Lord, the boy will have told –"

"And if you, like myself, had a servant such as Severus at your side, you would know, Wormtail, that Fudge, the moron, chooses not to believe the boy. It will only be days until the papers start defaming him, will it not Lucius?"

"Yes, my Lord."

"So, at least something still moves my way. And I think none of us dreads the reestablishment of the Order of the Phoenix … who do they have left now, Severus? A few teachers, a convict, a thief, a _Squib_ and a _werewolf_? Oh, and let us not forget the blood-traitors. Yes, I must say, Dumbledore's resources _are_ impressive. Let us all shake before such enemies. With laughter."

* * *

Albus had told him to stay put. To wait. But Severus couldn't wait any longer. There was no way he could sit at home like a naughty child, his arm on fire half the time, not only from calls but from collective punishment. He needed some distraction. And really, he could look after himself. It was none of Albus's business where he was going in his free time.

It was three o'clock in the afternoon. He had Apparated into the forest and walked to the clearing where Remus's house was, so the werewolf wouldn't hear him. Remus was in his little garden, kneeling in one of his patches. The sun was burning down on him, his neck had reddened slightly already. He was digging away relentlessly and after a while Severus wondered whether he had killed Black and wanted to make a grave for him now. Or rather he hoped. But then again he would do better to turn the body in to the Ministry and get ten thousand Galleons and live like a king for the rest of his life. He would deserve it too. But he was too good to turn in his glorious friend.

Severus itched to shake him. Yell at him. He wished he could touch him in any way. There he was, only feet from him and he couldn't come closer, couldn't tell him he was there. It was impossible. Remus sat back on his heels and wiped his forehead. He glanced around and up at a window whose curtains were still drawn. He frowned slightly and shook his head. He was alone. He looked a little desolate in his lonely garden, earth all over him. But Severus thought he had never seen anything so comforting. Remus's damp complexion reminded him … but no, he shouldn't … that would only make his aching worse.

Remus fell over while considering a cloud and lay on his back with a distant smile on his face. Severus thought he looked perfect. He wanted him up close. He wanted to look at him properly. He had only taken one step towards him however, when the window Remus had been looking at was thrown open and the hated face poked out of it, yawning.

"Oi, Remus," Black called and his voice made Severus's eardrums ache. "Why're you up so early?"

Remus chuckled irritably, a sound Severus had never heard, and yet he was thrilled to hear it and jealous. "Early, is it? It didn't occur to you that you could assist me, did it? Why is it that you haven't changed at all?"

Black gave a bark of a laugh and Severus begged for Remus to speak again, his soft, hoarse voice was bliss. "How come that you have changed so much, Moony? You're no fun at all!"

"Excuse me that I've grown up and find that fun is out of place in such a serious time …" Remus replied and put a new plant into the hole he had dug. He shoveled the earth back and lovingly flattened it while Black waved a dismissive hand at him and retreated into the room. Remus stood up and looked around, mumbling under his breath. "On the other hand, fun would probably do us all some good."

He looked over his shoulder and rubbed his neck and Severus knew that Remus felt his presence. Only reluctantly he walked away, looking back as long as Remus was still in sight.

He was back before long. Severus was standing in the shadows of the trees once again, looking up at the only light in the complete darkness, having just returned from a meeting with those loathed comrades. He deserved what he had got. To stand in the presence of the Dark Lord and fear torture and death. To fear the order to torture and to kill. How many would die at his hands? How many would be poisoned by potions he made? It was vain to think about it, it couldn't be helped, couldn't be prevented.

Severus didn't usually envy his fellow Death Eaters, but sometimes he caught himself envying Lucius. He envied him for his wife. For his family. Lucius's position was as insecure as his own and he had to fear the Dark Lord's temper as much as Severus. But Lucius had a wife and son who were there for him, who loved him and who waited for him at the end of a meeting. Lucius could come home to his warm manor, sit on his expensive sofa in front of his pompous fireplace, his beloved wife in one arm, a glass of his best Scotch in his hand.

Whereas Severus returned to Spinner's End where there was nothing for him. And no one. There was only emptiness. And the ability to Apparate into this forest to look at someone whom he couldn't hold in his arm in front of his own abysmal fireplace. He felt a bit like he thought Rodolphus must have been feeling, all these years, for his wife put all her love and admiration into the Dark Lord who was out of her petty reach. Hadn't he been so averse to comparing himself to Bellatrix and Remus to the Dark Lord, that comparison would, perhaps, have been even more accurate.

Remus was sitting there on the window sill, looking up at the dark sky. Severus didn't know why he was torturing himself so much. Every time he came home from here, he felt much worse than before. But he liked to look at Remus, it was easier to imagine that they could talk again, like they used to. Though he knew it was impossible. That was too much to ask after an endless year without even one word, after the disastrous farewell that had led to it.

It still pained him when he saw some gesture, a movement, a habit he had not consciously noticed but dearly missed as soon as Remus had been gone. It was the last time that he saw him there. When next he returned he couldn't find a soul in or outside the house, no gardening Remus, no insolent Black. They were gone. And Severus was jealous. And angry.

Which place had they gone to? Were they together? What were they doing? Surely something useful and honourable, Severus thought, surely something they would be admired for. Surely Albus had more to say to them than 'be patient, try and bear this state of being left out just a little longer'. Severus was sure that they were informed about everything, that they were all sitting in a cosy room with a cosy fireplace, chatting about old times and planning their movements. The Order of the Phoenix. Severus didn't belong there, he was not a part of them and he would never be, no matter what Albus said.

He would curse under his breath the injustice of it all, wasn't he the one with the most dangerous and demanding task? Wasn't he the one giving the most crucial information on the Dark Lord's plans and activities? So shouldn't he be in on the Order's movements? And shouldn't he be sitting next to Remus now? Wasn't it his privilege, having shared so much with him, to be by his side and share his home? Who was Black? What had he done to deserve the position in Remus's house, in his heart? What did he know of Remus, who had changed so much? Shouldn't Remus rightfully be Severus's?

But that argumentation shouldn't have run that way. No, not at all. Yet, it always did. Because that was what this was about, not personal glory, but Remus's acknowledgement. What Remus thought counted. And he knew that all he claimed, he didn't deserve. But neither does Black, he thought defiantly.

"Did you know that the Dark Lord would believe you?"

Severus looked up at Lucius who had invited himself to Spinner's End, keeping Severus uncomfortable company. Severus put down his _Daily Prophet_ in which Lucius had pointed out a rather rude article about Albus that seemed to be just the beginning of an extensive anti-Dumbledore-and-Potter campaign.

"As I told him the truth, why shouldn't he have believed me?" he replied with a bored look at Lucius's obviously stressed face.

Lucius raised his eyebrows at Severus who ignored him and returned to his paper. He didn't like it when Lucius patronised him. As if he were better than Severus. Only because his pure-blood family had more money than they could spend and a manor too big to discover all its rooms in one lifetime.

"Come now, Severus," said Lucius in a drawling voice, "you were lucky and you know it. You were lucky the Dark Lord didn't kill you right after you had Apparated into the circle."

"Well," said Severus quietly, turning a page, "one must be lucky once in a while."

"But then again …" mumbled Lucius thoughtfully, "had you not returned, you wouldn't have been able to leave Hogwarts Castle at all. He would have been waiting for you. He said, when he was looking around to see who had come, that you should be killed. You had already been sentenced to death."

Severus looked at him again. "Did you expect that I wouldn't come?" he asked with a slight edge to his voice.

Lucius shrugged and pulled a book out of a shelf. "Everyone did. The Dark Lord did. We thought that maybe you had grown to like Dumbledore and all the privileges of living round him a bit too much. You know I never doubted you," added Lucius with a glance at Severus who was looking at him with a skeptical expression, "but when you didn't come immediately I admit that I feared you had changed your mind."

He then opened the book and leafed through it. Severus was already indignant but when he noticed which book it was, he got up and snatched it out of Lucius's hands to put it carefully back into the shelf. "Don't touch my books without asking. They are very valuable."

Lucius gave him a look and shook his head in incomprehension. "Whatever you say, Severus," said he and leant against the shelf, crossing his arms. "Why don't you come over for dinner tonight? You haven't visited us in … years."

Severus rolled his eyes as he turned his back on Lucius. It was true, after the war had ended, Severus had visited Lucius less and less. Most of his former friends were still in prison now and Severus had never wished to keep in touch. Lucius had just never stopped inviting him. Severus wouldn't call it a friendship, he didn't know what to call it. Maybe they just had some things in common. And Lucius's trust was most helpful now. He would visit sometimes in the summer holidays, as some sort of obligation. They would stroll through the garden and look at the peacocks and talk about politics and school and Draco and other meaningless topics. But coming to Malfoy Manor for dinner was something he loathed and felt uncomfortable with. He felt small and insignificant in Lucius's magnificent home. He didn't belong in this world of pure-blood nobility.

"Thank you for the offer, Lucius, but I think I'll decline. As you know I have other obligations."

"Of course," said Lucius, "I imagine it to be rather complicated, being a double-spy. I hope you'll do well, after all I was the one who vouched for you all these years ago. It would fall back on me if you failed …"

Severus took a deep breath to control his temper. "Never fear, Lucius, I know what I'm doing. I would never cause you trouble after everything you have done for me …" Severus wondered when he had ever been so pretentious before. Even though there were some situations in which Lucius had been able to help him, Lucius never did anything without expecting repayment.

Lucius nodded and sighed. His pleasant life had suddenly become much more complicated and Severus suspected that Lucius was almost as unhappy about the Dark Lord's return as he was. "You'll see, Severus, we will be at the top of this state soon enough. We will undermine it while those idiots deny the Dark Lord's return," he said pointing at the _Daily Prophet_ with a smirk. But Severus knew that he wasn't as confident as he pretended to be. There was no security and no guaranteed success in the Dark Lord's inner circle. Lucius left then and Severus fell into his armchair, thankful for a break from his new job as an actor.

But that break didn't last long. Not much time had passed since Severus had returned to Spinner's End. The gloominess of the place weighed down his thoughts and deepened his depression. It was as though a hundred Dementors were constantly forming a circle around him. Ever since Lucius's visit all he had been doing was waiting. Waiting for a sudden pain in his arm that called him to the Dark Lord's side. Waiting for a new task to fulfil to prove his loyalty. Waiting for Dumbledore to send him a message. He had said he would. Had promised he would. But instead of just this one anticipated message, Severus received almost a dozen calls, shot through his arm like lightening.

Whenever he Apparated to the Dark Lord's side he expected death. It was still rather unreal to him that he had been believed all the wild explanations, all the fantastic pretexts; the Dark Lord had believed all of them. Or at least he considered believing them. In his tremendous arrogance and narrow-mindedness. And maybe he was blinded by the wonderful prospect of having a spy at Hogwarts, a spy who could provide him with over ten years' worth of valuable information. Severus was soon tired of the many questions that he had to answer and sometimes he couldn't see their importance. But he answered everything more or less truthfully, only lying by careful omission. He was good at that, he had practised it for a long time. The Dark Lord seemed satisfied and that was, for the time being, enough.

Severus remembered the day when his arm had tingled for the first time. It had been soon after Remus had departed and Severus had thought there was a connection. Some mental effect. A psychological pain not a real one. So he hadn't reported it to Albus. He had thought it would stop. After a while. But it hadn't. And he had known why.

This was what he had been waiting for all these years. He had known the day would arrive. But now it was there, he didn't feel up to it anymore. He didn't even know how he had survived the last year. He wouldn't just run away. He couldn't break the promise he had made to Albus. He was the only one who could fulfil this special task. He couldn't just let everyone down. He didn't matter. He was just a pawn in this game, Remus had implied it. Everyone was just a pawn. Oblivious to the plans the king was making in the background. It was angering him. It was frustrating him. But he knew it was better this way. He couldn't, wouldn't leave his King's side. It gave him a bitter satisfaction, that he was needed. That he made a difference. Even if he would be sacrificed. Even if no one acknowledged it.

He knew Remus would. And he was looking forward to the moment that he would see it in his eyes. For he had realised in the last days, that he would meet him sooner or later. He was a part of the Order and since Albus wanted Severus to be part of it too, it was inevitable they should meet. It made him nervous. He didn't know if he even wanted it. He didn't know if he would dare talk to Remus at all. He wouldn't be able to meet his eyes. Even now he would hide his face in his hands, shamed by his own behaviour, when he thought about the night in the Shrieking Shack.

He was sitting in his armchair by the window, letting the little sun that fell into the room warm his face. His eyes were closed and his ears full of the Muggle music that came drifting through the brick wall from the next house, where his elderly neighbour was trying out how loud he could turn his record player. It was relaxing in an odd way. Everything Muggle reminded him of Remus these days. He didn't know why. It was very odd, indeed. He tried to figure out the reason, while unconsciously tapping his fingers along to the music. But then again, didn't everything remind him of Remus?

"I didn't think you were much of a music fan, Severus," Albus's voice laced its way through the music and snaked into Severus's ear.

He snapped out of his thoughts and shot up from his armchair. It wasn't Albus's tall form, though, that looked at him from the other end of the room, it was his Patronus. He looked quite like Fawkes, but Severus knew the twinkle in those eyes. He knew the smile in that low voice. Severus slumped back down.

"I'm not a fan. The Muggle next door is," he mumbled and rubbed his eyes. "So you have finally got a message for me?" It was a plea more than a question. He wanted to get out of here. This house, these thoughts, this situation. He needed some distraction.

"Yes, I do. The Order of the Phoenix has been reassembled. Headquarters have been set up. The first official meeting will take place tonight, seven o'clock, at Number 12 Grimmauld Place, London. You will meet me there."

Severus stared at the Patronus, memorising the address. Then he jumped to his feet again. He couldn't help asking. The question was forcing its way out of his mouth. "So that is where Remus went?"

The Patronus didn't stir. "Welcome to the Order of the Phoenix, Severus," it said and dissolved into thin air. Severus looked at the place where it had been sitting on the sofa. He was part of the Order, too, now, wasn't he? That was a strange feeling. He had spent the last war as a one way spy. Behind the scenes. Now, he was a double spy. And everybody knew. He didn't know whether he wanted the eyes on him. All these suspicious eyes, doubting him. He scowled. He didn't really want to be part of the Order anymore. Being their spy was enough, wasn't it? And yet he ached to see Remus up close. And feared it.


	4. Property

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: Forgive me for my unpleasant Sirius, but Severus does hate him ;). Thanks for reading!**  
**

**Property**

He looked at the clock. Half past six. Only half an hour, now. No more than thirty minutes until he would see Remus again. What to say? What to do? How to behave? He hadn't seen him in a whole year. He didn't know what to do. Suddenly he felt uncomfortable.

Severus stopped. He hadn't even realised that he was pacing. It was too late to fret. He would have to decide spontaneously. He would need to look into Remus's face and decide. Maybe, yes maybe, the love would go away just like that, taking along the pain, when they met. Maybe a year was too long to be spent without exchanging even one word. Maybe Remus had changed. Maybe Severus had. Maybe everything they had shared didn't mean a thing to either of them anymore. And maybe he was a blasted fool. Not even the thought of Black sharing a bed with Remus – _Merlin, help me, don't let that be true!_ – could disgust him enough, it couldn't make him stop thinking about Remus.

_Love-sick, are we?_

It was dangerous. Too dangerous. Instead of preparing for Death Eater meetings and concentrating on Occlumency, Severus kept thinking about Remus, his feelings were in a chaos and every once in a while his preoccupied mind let slip a thought from behind the curtain that was supposed to guard those things that could cost Severus his life. He had paid with aching bones and muscles twice, been lucky many more times. He had to control himself, otherwise he would be no use whatsoever. He needed to gain the Dark Lord's trust, needed to be confided in, to be told the most secret of secret plans. This business with Remus was in his way. He hated to think so but it was true.

And yet ... not being with Remus was a problem, too. Being alone was. And it was a fact that without Remus he felt alone. Severus knew, had Remus never come to Hogwarts, he would never have had this feeling of loneliness. This extreme need to talk to him, because he was the only one to whom he felt close enough to do so. He wished he could just forget it.

He heaved a sigh and ran a hand through his hair, knowing that the memories were too precious to forget them, even if they hurt more than they soothed. He was sure, if he forgot everything, it would leave such a huge hole inside him that he would suffer horribly from the loss.

It was no use to rack his brain now. He would be late if he didn't pull himself together and the last thing he needed was a dramatic entrance with all eyes turned on him. So he took out his wand and concentrated hard on Grimmauld Place, not having the faintest idea where it was to be found. Then he turned on the spot and pressed through time and space with more difficulty than usual until his feet touched the hard stone of a street that seemed to be running through a Muggle neighbourhood much like his own. He couldn't spot anything unusual. The sign over his head read Grimmauld Place and he was standing in front of number eleven. He looked left and right but there was no twelve. The Fidelius Charm was most likely concealing it. Number twelve, Grimmauld Place, he thought and at once the house emerged between eleven and thirteen.

Severus walked towards it and, for the first time, started wondering whose house it might be, and why Albus had chosen it as Headquarters. He climbed the stairs to the door and knocked three times. While he was waiting, he cast a look over his shoulder where there were a few Muggles walking their dog in the gloomy street they called their home. It was not much better than Spinner's End. And this was supposed to be the place Remus had gone to, leaving his own nice home in the forest? Severus wouldn't have done so.

Suddenly there were hurried steps on the other side of the door and finally Severus heard locks being opened, heavy protection being undone. The door swung open and he stepped into the dark hall. Whom he found there didn't cheer him up.

"Just so you know, you're not welcome here!" whispered Sirius Black in as harsh a voice as he could muster while whispering. "I don't want someone like you in my house, it's just a favour for Dumbledore ..."

Severus turned to him and glared his deathliest glare. "Acknowledged," growled he, fury boiling inside him. "Believe me your house is the last place I want to be in."

"Good! Then at least you'll leave again soon," said Black quietly, shutting the door and putting the protective spells back in place. It took him a while to do so but Severus didn't want to wander through Black's house alone so he stayed there with crossed arms and in silence until the other was finished. Black then moved down the hall without another word, causing Severus to follow him. The house was very quiet. Silent actually. There was no sound to be heard but their footsteps, muffled by a thick layer of dust. And hadn't Black been whispering? Severus wondered what this was all about. They passed a moth-eaten curtain to which Black kept some distance and Severus was considering it curiously when Black turned abruptly so that they were face to face only mere inches apart. Severus almost bumped into him and stepped back in indignation.

"And by the way," said Black as if they hadn't stopped talking at all. Black probably thought that his height was intimidating, such a primitive way of thinking. His angry eyes were piercing Severus's but Severus would not back down. Not to Black. He just stared up into that loathed face. "I will not forgive you for what you've done to Remus! Because of you his life has become even harder, no matter what he says about it, I know better. He doesn't find a single job anymore! And he's been all miserable ever since he had to leave Hogwarts."

Severus grew livid. What right did Black have to talk to him like that? Wasn't he already feeling guilty enough? "How would you know I wonder? It's not as if you had spent much time with him in the last fourteen years. Maybe he's miserable because you are around now ..."

"Why you!" snarled Black and seized the front of Severus's robe. But Severus was just waiting for a reason to hex him into oblivion. He grasped his wand in his pocket and pulled it out.

"Excuse me, boys, but I thought I had seen you shake hands the other day. If we could just go back to that moment I would be much more satisfied," said Albus, appearing behind Black at the top of a stairway that led downstairs.

Black let go of Severus's robes and gave him a last dirty look before he turned away and marched off down the stairs, squeezing past Albus, shooting him a defiant glance. Severus wished to say, 'He started it.' But he resisted the childish urge and simply jerked his head at Albus in greeting.

"Hello, Severus. I'm glad you found your way here. Keep your voice down, please, we have a little problem with an – ah – inhabitant of this house that we cannot seem to get rid of."

Severus looked at him in confusion. "This is Black's house, isn't it? I don't quite understand."

Albus smiled. "Sirius kindly provided his parents' old house for the Order. We needed a safe place and according to Sirius, this is one of the safest houses in Great Britain. Apparently his father was very ... careful. And you had better be careful, too. Not all rooms are secured. Nobody has lived here for a decade."

He gestured to Severus to follow him and descended the stairs to step into the kitchen. Or into what had once used to be the kitchen. It was barely recognisable as such. Mould and filth everywhere, below which one could only just distinguish the usual inventory of a kitchen. At the table in the room's midst there were seated many wizards and witches, who looked up curiously as Severus entered the room. Some familiar faces, some Ministry workers, former students, former school mates, but also strangers, new faces in the circle Albus had formed. Severus glanced around as Albus took a seat at the head of the table, and recognised Arthur and Molly Weasley as well as their son Bill. Black was sitting next to them, his eyes fixed on Severus. He was talking to the man standing behind him, bending down to hear what he was saying. Severus swallowed.

"Now that we are complete," said Albus loudly to stop all whispered conversations, "I think we can –"

There was a loud crash from the other end of the table where Severus's eyes had been fixed on the man next to Black. All heads turned and Severus raised an eyebrow. "I'm _so_ sorry, I lost balance, just ignore me!" said an extremely embarrassed Nymphadora Tonks who had been tilting her chair back on its hind legs a little too far. Severus had almost managed to forget her. Until four years ago she had made his classroom hell. He didn't know anyone in the world who could be more of a clumsy tomboy. He rolled his eyes. But they soon found back to their original target as Tonks had been caught by the arm before hitting the floor by an especially deft hand. Its owner helped her stand and put the chair back onto its legs, pulling it out for her to sit down again. "Thanks, so much Remus." She beamed up at him and he gave a smile in return. He mumbled something so quietly that Severus didn't catch it. But the soft hum of his voice reached his ears and made him shiver.

Albus chuckled and continued, "Well, as I was saying –"

But Severus didn't listen, for when Remus straightened up, their eyes met for the first time in what seemed to have been an eternity. And at the same time it seemed as if their eyes had never left each other. From that moment on Severus couldn't help but fall, fall through the floor, through endless space, a light feeling in his head a fuzzy one in his stomach, and he fell for Remus Lupin like he had done so many decades ago, dipped in the golden light of the werewolf's soft eyes.

Remus was greyer and much shabbier but he was still the same. And it thrilled Severus to look at him. He was aching to touch him, it hurt terribly not to be able to. It took him a while to realise what it was that made a chill run down his spine, though. It was the way Remus was looking at him. Not warmly, not welcoming. But coolly and searching.

It made Severus look away despite himself. He couldn't bear it. That was not the look he had hoped for. But he had been a fool once again. He retreated into the shadows and concentrated on Albus, always aware of the golden eyes staring at him.

It was mostly introductions and organisation that Albus talked about. A preparation for future meetings and tasks to be given out. When the introduction round reached Severus, he was feeling more self-conscious than ever and scowled darkly into the room. A spy in the rows of the Dark Lord, a great advantage, a huge personal risk, an honourable task. Just words. He saw it in their eyes. They were sceptical of him. Moody most of all. Black huffed loudly. It didn't surprise Severus. He hadn't expected a different reaction.

What did surprise him, though, was that very same look on most faces when Remus was introduced to the newcomers. The way Molly Weasley glanced at the werewolf and leant away from him made Severus angry. Black seemed equally irritated and made to say something, but the scarred hand on his shoulder held him back. Severus wished it were his shoulder.

Black seemed irritated all the time, not just because of Molly and Severus. There seemed to be something bothering him greatly and Albus seemed to be involved in it. Black's angry eyes were glued to him most of the time, as if he were a pouting child who was furious with his parents for taking away his sweets. Severus couldn't help but smirk.

Black was last to be introduced, though it was rather a reassurance for the other Order members than a real introduction. Everyone knew Sirius Black, every child knew him. After all he was a convicted mass-murderer. And suddenly he was supposed to be innocent? Of course it took some time to convince everyone. Severus noticed a black man who seemed somewhat familiar. He was the one who asked the most questions about Black. Kingsley Shacklebolt, an Auror, in charge of the search for Black. Obviously Moody had brought him and informed him about Black after having been informed himself, yet it seemed difficult for him to believe in Black's innocence. Albus had to give a full explanation to which Severus listened for the first time.

Of course by now he knew it was true. It only made him feel worse. After a while of tiring questions and answers Shacklebolt and everyone else had been convinced. Black didn't seem relieved though, merely annoyed. And when the first tasks were handed out Severus thought he realised what it was that made him so angry.

Remus volunteered to look at the activities of Dark creatures and offered to try and get into contact with other werewolves, though he looked as if he didn't quite know how to do that. Severus knew that Remus had never made friends with his kind. Tonks volunteered to help him, and she did so quite enthusiastically which for some reason irritated Severus and seemed to intimidate Remus who gave her a shy smile. Black didn't seem so happy.

"I could come along, too!" he said loudly and Albus gave him a sidelong glance.

"We've talked about this, Sirius. You will need to stay here. I don't want you to leave this house," he said firmly and the finality in his voice would have made anyone else fall silent. Not Black, though.

"Remus could look after me! We would be just fine, no risks. Remus doesn't take any risks," he replied and made Remus chuckle irritably.

But Albus didn't give in. Black was to stay where he was. The others would do the work outside. Cleaning the house and helping the members in it was an important task too. Severus enjoyed Black's anger about being shut up and useless. And Remus's exasperated face did too. There seemed to be disharmony between them. Wonderful. Yes, it made the day much better.

When Albus had concluded the meeting, many of the attendants cleared out and some stayed for a while longer to talk animatedly. Kingsley Shacklebolt was one of them. He approached Remus, Tonks and Black where they were sitting and started a conversation with Remus whom he seemed to know and received a smile from the werewolf. Just when Severus was starting to get jealous of all the people who talked so naturally with Remus Albus's hand touched his shoulder and he started, tearing his eyes away.

"Can you give me reports about every Death Eater meeting, that is if it is relevant? At Order meetings you can report the most important parts but I want to know immediately when something happens."

Severus nodded and rubbed his arm once more. He thought that everyone was talking about him behind his back. He felt everyone's eyes on him. He was getting paranoid.

"Good, then I will tell you when the next meeting takes place by the usual way. You are now a member of the Order of the Phoenix, Severus." With that he left and Severus's eyes returned to Remus. He didn't dare talk to him. And when Remus raised his eyes to meet his once more, Severus held his gaze. It wasn't how Severus had imagined it would be. Actually he had no idea what he had been imagining. But he knew that he had thought it to be somewhat cathartic, redeeming or maybe even dramatic. But they didn't even talk to one another. They didn't ignore each other, either, but they both seemed to be unwilling to take the first step. So nothing happened. And it was Severus's fault. He was supposed to take the first step. But what was that supposed to be? He felt like nothing he could do would be right. He didn't know if he wanted to do anything at all.

When he returned home that night Severus felt frustrated and lonelier than before. He tossed his robe on the floor and fell into bed with an enormous sigh. This look that Remus had given him was puzzling. Severus had to admit to himself that he had expected the werewolf to be happy to see him. How foolish. That look hadn't been angry, though. Severus could think about it as much as he wanted he couldn't figure out what it was that puzzled him so.

And his arm was prickling again. Severus hated it. It made him nervous. Even more so when the prickling didn't turn into a burning in the next days. No calls, just this prickling. It made him horribly nervous. He started wondering if the Dark Lord was punishing him, if he had made up his mind and decided to mistrust him. But when he asked Lucius, he confirmed that it was the same with his Mark. But Lucius had been called. To private meetings with the Dark Lord and Avery. Obviously the Dark Lord wanted to get into the Ministry. But for which reason, Lucius didn't want to say.

At first, when flooing Lucius, Severus liked the idea of talking to a friend. But after a while he remembered that Lucius was not his friend, and that talking to him could never be the same as talking to Remus, for he could never talk to him openly and he didn't want to do so. No, he had to be honest with himself, he only wanted to talk to one person. And that was the reason why he felt so lonely.

Albus's visit didn't help. The tall old man made Severus's living room look tiny. Albus walked slowly past one of the bookshelves and considered the volumes with his head cocked slightly to one side. Then he stopped at Severus's favourite book and pointed at it with a long finger.

"May I?" he asked and Severus bit his lip so he wouldn't snap at him.

"I'd rather you wouldn't," said he with a wave of his hand and Albus smiled at him with a shrewd look on his face.

"No meeting?" he asked, looking round.

"Just a prickling. For several days now," replied Severus. He avoided moving his arm too much now.

"Do you think he is shutting you out?"

Severus had thought about it. "Maybe. But Lucius says that it is the same for all of us. It seems like he is plotting something with Lucius and Avery. He wants something in the Ministry of Magic. But Lucius doesn't tell me what."

Suddenly Albus looked thoughtful. "In the Ministry?" he muttered. "Well, Severus, I can think of at least one thing he'd like to have, that is stored in the Ministry, can't you?" Severus gave him a confused look and shook his head. "Did dear Lucius tell you which department they want to get into?" asked Albus urgently and Severus tried to remember if the department had been mentioned. And then he did remember.

"Of course, yes, Rookwood's old department. The Department of Mysteries."

"Aha!" cried Albus enthusiastically and Severus raised an eyebrow at him. "Why, Severus, don't you realise?"

"I'm afraid, I don't," said Severus slowly. Albus was starting to irritate him.

Albus paced the room's length. "There is a room in the Department of Mysteries where all the prophecies that have ever been made are kept on shelves. And why would that be relevant? Because you, Severus, couldn't give Voldemort the full prophecy right after it was made. You only heard half of it, and now he wants the other half to find out what it says about Harry and him."

Albus stopped pacing and gave Severus time to think about what he had just said. "You think he doesn't dare make another move without knowing exactly what the prophecy says?"

Albus nodded eagerly and carried on. "You see, Harry escaped twice, no three times and now he starts wondering, what went wrong the first time? What does he have to do in the future to avoid another disaster? It makes sense, Severus, he wants to make sure that he hasn't missed anything. Now that he has managed to return to power, he doesn't want to risk another downfall. That changes matters ... I will need to talk to the Order about this. Thank you, Severus, I'll see you at tonight's meeting. Eight o'clock."

Severus didn't have time to say anything before Albus disappeared. He was a little perplexed and needed some time to make sense of it all. He didn't like thinking about the prophecy. After a few minutes of self-loathing he tried to think about something else. He pressed his left arm to his stomach and closed his eyes. He wondered if he could ever talk to Remus again.

It was most embarrassing. The door of number twelve, Grimmauld Place was opened by Molly Weasley, who wished Severus a good evening and locked the door behind him when he had slipped past her. He followed her downstairs and was grateful she didn't ask why he was half an hour late. Nodding off in his armchair like an old man was most embarrassing, indeed. Everyone looked at him when he entered the kitchen behind Molly, searching for a free chair. When he only found one beside Moody he leant against the wall behind Albus who gave him a questioning look before continuing where he had been interrupted by Severus's arrival.

"As I was saying, those in our number who can enter the Ministry must try and protect said prophecy. I would suggest guard duty in front of the door to the Department of Mysteries at as often as possible."

Severus wondered if Albus had told everyone how the Dark Lord had got to know of the prophecy. But had he done so, Black would probably already have attempted to murder Severus. At least Albus could keep a secret. Of course there was one person sitting at the other side of the room who knew that Severus had told the Dark Lord about the prophecy. Those golden eyes staring at him were making him uncomfortable.

"Alastor and I can provide invisibility cloaks. Are there volunteers for this task?" said Albus and looked around.

Tonks, Shacklebolt, Arthur Weasley and Sturgis Podmore raised their hands at once and a few others followed suit. Albus nodded in satisfaction and told the volunteers to stay behind after the meeting to receive further instructions. When Albus dismissed the others, Severus noticed that Shacklebolt was sitting next to Remus whom he enveloped in a conversation as everyone was getting up to leave. Remus smiled and talked animatedly with Shacklebolt, Tonks and Black listening interestedly. Severus thought the jealousy would devour him.

"Oh, you wouldn't believe how much he looks like his father," said Remus, his voice just audible over the noise in the room, "and he has his talent on the broomstick. Flies as if he'd been born on it."

Severus knew they were talking about Potter. The rest of the conversation was lost in the voices of those who passed Severus on their way to the door. He apologised to Albus who waved his hand and gave him an understanding smile. "Being exhausted is no crime, Severus."

"... mean I always thought he was creepy, but that he's really a Death Eater ..."

"Was, Nymphadora, was ..."

"Don't call me that, Remus!"

Tonks's whisper drifted through the room to Severus's ears and he acted as if he didn't hear it. He was curious what they were saying about him.

"Mad-Eye told me when I was still a trainee. He was angry that Snape had been cleared of all charges," said Shacklebolt's slow, rumbling voice.

"I didn't know, either," growled Black. "But the only thing that surprises me about it is that Dumbledore lets him teach at Hogwarts."

"Why wouldn't he?" asked Remus and Severus's heart skipped a beat. "Doesn't he deserve a second chance?"

"People don't change, Moony, I can't believe that you of all people speak up for him," snapped Black.

"We have no right to judge him."

"How can a person be so naive? I mean, look what he did to you! A normal person has sympathy, a normal person doesn't stick head over heels in the Dark Arts!"

"I agree with Remus," said Shacklebolt when he got up. "Dumbledore knows what he's doing."

And though Severus should have been grateful, he was fuming when he saw Shacklebolt's hand on Remus's shoulder. He was losing his grip. This man was not his property. He had no right to feel like his owner. To think that the privilege of touching him was his. And yet he couldn't suppress his anger when Tonks smiled at Remus and clapped his back or when Black put his forehead on Remus's shoulder.

When Remus's eyes met his over the heads of those that were talking to Albus, Severus thought it couldn't become more awkward. He averted his eyes, rubbed his neck and shuffled to the door, aware of the fact that Remus knew he had just stayed so long to look at him.

Severus felt miserable. Remus had other people around him now, people who would never tolerate Severus in their midst, and though he had defended him earlier, Severus had little hope that there would be a reconciliation. Remus had new reasons to be angry with him. And no matter how long he tried to remember, Severus couldn't think of one meaningful thing that he had said to Remus. And now that he had something meaningful to say, it was impossible to do so. He felt it like a physical restraint whenever he laid eyes on Remus. He couldn't talk to him. His tongue was tied. It had been for a year.

It did become even more awkward when Severus entered the kitchen of number twelve, Grimmauld Place one morning to wait for Albus. He had walked downstairs blindly and rubbed his arm which was killing him with a prickling like from thousands of needles. He only looked up when he heard the clanking of a kettle and was absolutely shocked when he found himself face to face with a werewolf who was the only soul in the kitchen and staring at him in perplexed surprise, lips slightly parted in a silent 'oh', a cup of tea in his hands. Severus stopped dead and must have looked like a statue.

There was silence for several impressively awkward moments in which they only stared at each other, fully aware that they were alone and that there was no reason why they shouldn't say something to each other, or shout, or reproach, or anything really. The dreadful thing was that neither said or did anything. It must have been only seconds but it seemed like days. And, oh, what would Severus have given for a little smile on those lips, for only one word of greeting or the offer of a cup of tea. Perhaps, over a cup of tea, everything would return to normal. He felt like a moron. He felt helpless. Remus made a movement with his hand that looked like he wanted to make the offer of tea but wasn't quite sure if he should and that was enough to wake Severus from his stupor. He turned on his heel and stormed back upstairs, more upset than he could bear at the moment.

When he had reached the hall something happened that was relieving and horrifying at the same time: his arm caught fire so suddenly that Severus staggered against the wall, pressing his arm to his chest, biting his lip so he wouldn't cry out. When Albus entered by the front door, Severus strode towards him, pressed "Call!" through clenched teeth and slipped past him out into the street where he prepared himself quickly and Disapparated to a meeting that would cost him even the last bit of his determination.


	5. Talking

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: Everyone alright? My exams are coming up, so sorry for possible delays in uploading.**  
**

**Talking**

"The time has come, Severus."

"My Lord?"

"The time to prove your loyalty, as I promised you would be able to."

"I feel honoured, my Lord."

"And you should, Severus, you should. As you know, Lord Voldemort does not grant such privileges to everyone. And he is not convinced easily. What you have told me is believable, but words are only words, and as such, they're worthless. You will need to act to gain Lord Voldemort's trust."

"I will do as you command, my Lord."

"Then rise, Severus, and show those of us who still doubt, that you will serve your master well. And you shall be useful. Most useful."

Lucius had laid his hand on Severus's already heavy shoulder and almost made him collapse under the weight. But Severus had stood straight-backed until he had entered his own house where he had slid down at the door and stayed on the floor till the next morning, hands pressed to his face, mind chaotic and torturing. If anyone had ever been in need of a Pensieve it was him.

"We will be right up there, to his left and right, Severus, you will see," Lucius had whispered and Severus had nodded. That was his aim, too, but for a different reason than Lucius's. Now he wasn't sure if he could make it all the way.

At the next Order meeting Severus announced that the Dark Lord now fully trusted him again, but he gave no explanation as to why. No one dared ask him and he was sure they were glad he didn't talk about it. He didn't want it either. Not this time. They were his feelings, his thoughts, and he didn't want to share them. They were filthy and pathetic and desperate and he would not put them into words. He was not close enough to any of them, be it Minerva or Albus, to confide in them. Not that Albus cared. Severus was sure he was relieved that on top of everything else he didn't have to worry about Severus's woes too. He cares about you, was what he had once been told. He wasn't sure about that. But then again, if he didn't it wouldn't play a role, would it?

Of course there was one person he would like to talk to. Someone he still felt close enough to. Remus was looking at him with a sad expression on his face, and something in his eyes that Severus still couldn't figure out. But it looked painful. And Severus thought he knew that pain. He tried to ignore the other man and looked at his hands in his lap. He had tried to forget Remus Lupin. To forget the year they had spent together, but it was impossible. Even though it was dangerous, Severus knew he couldn't change it. This man sitting opposite him at the long table in the kitchen of number twelve, Grimmauld Place was so prominent in Severus's life, even though he had only been in it for little time, that he was not to be erased.

Now Severus was sure he didn't want to erase him anymore. But this state of utter silence was unbearable too. It was awkward and unworthy of what there had once existed between them. Using the past tense was painful, too.

After the meeting Black, Tonks and Remus stayed in their seats and so did several of the other members. Severus rested his chin on his hands and watched them. But the Weasleys' conversation was the only one he could hear. They were talking about moving into Grimmauld Place with their children, though Molly expressed her concerns about Remus's presence in the house, irritating Severus tremendously. When they moved away from him to talk to Albus, Severus could finally listen to the conversation of Remus, Black and Tonks. He had become an eavesdropper. No, he had always been one.

"Anyway," said Black irritably, "I still don't get why I have to stay here while you and Tonks get to have fun on night watch!"

Jealousy. Severus knew that emotion so well he couldn't miss it in Black's voice. And he shared it.

"You have to stop thinking about only yourself. You cannot just rush into danger," said Remus quietly and with an edge to his voice that told Severus that they had discussed that topic many times. "You need to stay safe and out of trouble. I thought that you would understand. And we are only guarding Harry in Little Whinging, who says we are having fun?"

Tonks sniggered and Severus had an inexplicable feeling of unease. Black huffed. "You sound like an old man, Remus, did you know?"

Remus sighed impatiently. "In the ears of a child, adults always sound old."

The scraping of a chair on stone, stomping footsteps, a slamming door and a mysterious screaming. Then silence. Severus waited.

"He'll never understand, he cannot accept..."

"He's a hot-blooded idiot, Remus, he'll come round."

"I just wish he weren't so depressed. I try to be here as much as I can, but sometimes he's just driving me mad and I need to get away."

"I know what you mean. But you're not responsible. Don't always try to save the world, Remus, you've got your own problems and they are much more serious than... you know... Sirius's..."

Remus chuckled. Severus shivered. Painfully. He knew how it had felt when Remus had chuckled against his skin. He wished he could feel it again. Right now.

Tonks bid Remus good-bye and left the kitchen along with many others. Bill Weasley was still brooding over some scrolls of parchment and his parents were still talking quietly together. Sturgis Podmore was receiving an invisibility cloak from Moody whose blue eye was no doubt watching Severus, everyone else had left. Remus was now looking at his papers, his fingers massaging his temples. Severus watched him. There was a violent feeling inside him as though he was about to explode.

Molly walked past Remus at a considerable safety distance and started searching for something while her husband talked to his son. She rummaged through the cupboards and pantry, making impatient noises.

"Can I help you, Molly?" Remus offered and made to get up when a crash was to be heard from the cupboards. But Molly whirled round and shook her head, looking at him in that suspicious, uneasy way that Severus knew hurt Remus more than any insult would.

"No, no, I'm sure I'll find the bottles. Just stay where you are!"

Severus clenched his fists on the table and narrowed his eyes at her. He was furious with her. Remus rose and moved towards Molly who flinched away from him. He tried to act as if he hadn't noticed.

"You mean Sirius's whiskey? It is up here," he said mildly and reached for the top of a cupboard, taking down one bottle after the other. "Don't tell him that I helped you find them."

Molly pretended that nothing had happened and gathered up the bottles in her arms looking pointedly away from Remus. "It's just," Molly said in a slightly hysterical tone, "when we move in with our children, I want this to be gone. The twins could come across it."

"Understandable," replied Remus, stepping away from her. His back was straight and there was that defiantly friendly look on his face.

"Well," said Molly and walked to the stairs, ignoring Remus, "come Arthur, I'll just get rid of those and we can leave."

When his wife had disappeared upstairs Arthur straightened up, rubbing his neck uneasily and waving his hand at Remus as if he was casting around for words that could help him apologise for her behaviour.

"You see," he mumbled, straightening his glasses, "she's just ... she ..."

"It's fine," muttered Remus even though it wasn't. Severus knew because he had treated Remus just like that too. "I'm used to it."

Arthur nodded, looking embarrassed and followed his wife out of the room. Remus steadied himself on the kitchen counter and hung his head with a sigh. After a moment of obvious exasperation he pulled himself together and made himself a cup of tea. Podmore and Moody were still talking, or rather Moody was telling Podmore exactly what he had to do on guard duty using the phrase 'constant vigilance' at least six times while Podmore was nodding unconsciously, his eyes rather glassy.

Remus sat back down, a cup of steaming tea in his right hand, his delicate fingers tracing the lines on the papers before him. And now Severus couldn't resist the explosive feeling inside him any longer. He didn't even notice getting up and walking across the room but it must have happened for suddenly he was standing before Remus, looking down at him and casting a shadow over his papers that made the werewolf look slowly up and into Severus's eyes. At first there was silence. Remus's eyes still had that expression. And Severus thought it might be the same physical restraint he was feeling. Then his face became questioning. Severus knew the time had come to say something. Remus frowned. Severus took a deep breath.

"Hello," said he firmly. He knew it sounded ridiculous. He wished he could slap himself. But then after a moment of pure perplexity Remus smiled.

"Hello," he echoed and Severus let out the breath he'd been holding. How utterly relieving to hear Remus's voice addressing him. Then there was silence again, for he didn't know what to say. Remus helped. "Would you like to sit down?" he asked and waved his hand to make a chair slide closer.

"Yes," said Severus and sat down. He put his hands on the table close to Remus's and avoided the werewolf's intent eyes. Just sitting so close to him was unreal and comforting. The mere knowledge that Remus would not be disgusted, would not reproach him if he told him about what he had done only a few hours ago made everything easier. He didn't even have to talk. But knowing Remus so well, he knew he would have to.

He opened his mouth to say something but the words just wouldn't come. The lines in Remus's face had deepened, but Severus recognised those around his eyes from when they had laughed for the last time down by the lake. Good times. When they had still had a relationship.

Relationship. Ah, yes. But there wasn't one now, was there? Just silence and awkwardness in the light or shadow of what had happened. Everything had changed, after all. Severus had not. Fool that he was. He wondered whether he continuously got himself into such horrible situations out of a will to torture himself for something.

The stretching silence was unbearable. Remus rubbed his neck and raised his eyes to a point two feet to the left of Severus's face. He heaved a sigh and hung his shoulders. Severus swallowed and straightened his back. Awkward. That wasn't what Severus had wanted their relationship to turn into. He would rather be hated, he would rather be indifferent. He would rather not have seen him again.

Instead of complaining all the time, why don't you try and fix it, you wimp?

Nothing I can do will turn back time. Nothing I can say will give me back what I lost.

"Um, you know, Severus," said Remus finally, clasping his hands, "it doesn't matter what you say, just ... just say something."

Severus looked at him and frowned. He wondered what that meant. He wondered what Remus wanted to hear. "What do you ..." he started, then hesitated. Did it really not matter what he said? Shouldn't he start with an explanation, an apology, a discussion about what had gone wrong? But then again, he wouldn't. And Remus didn't seem to expect it. Severus didn't know if he liked the fact that Remus didn't have any expectations. Was he aware of the fact that he would never hear an apology or a confession? And then it occurred to Severus that Remus might not want either. And that couldn't be good. Severus realised that the only thing worse than too high expectations were no expectations at all. Indifference. He drummed his fingers on the table.

"What are you doing?" he asked and pointed at the papers that showed maps of forests. Remus looked down and shoved the papers away.

"Oh, I'm trying to get into contact with werewolves, but that's not as easy as Albus thinks. Those who are not organised in packs are very hard to find, criminals or living in secret ... and even if I found them, they don't know how most werewolves will react to Voldemort's return," he sighed and jerked his head towards the maps. "You see, the packs are somewhere in the forests on these maps and as much as I support werewolf rights, you shouldn't cross these people."

Remus gave him a bitter smile and shrugged. Severus nodded. He was relieved that Remus could talk to him like this. He had never had the problems that Severus had. Being tongue-tied was no concern of his, he always knew how to behave. And he seemed to be relieved that the silence had been broken.

"And you?" asked Remus and let the very tips of his fingers touch Severus's hands. It was a dreadfully good feeling that he just couldn't bear. It wasn't natural or even casual, but very deliberate. "How are you?"

Severus looked into those golden eyes and felt grateful. And confused. He raised an eyebrow at Remus. "How are you?" he said quietly and felt like he had travelled back in time. "After a whole year my first word to you is 'hello' and you ask me how I am?"

Remus lowered his eyes, leaned back and shrugged again. "It is good to see you."

"Is it?" Severus asked quietly and Remus smiled a bitter smile that hurt Severus terribly. But the werewolf gave a nod.

Bill Weasley yawned loudly and bid everyone a good night before shuffling out of the kitchen, that made Moody and Podmore look at their watches and get up hurriedly. Podmore waved at Remus who smiled and inclined his head to Moody when he passed Severus, giving him a suspicious look. That left the two of them alone in the kitchen and the silence pressed down on Severus.

"Your arm," said Remus softly, "is it hurting?"

Severus looked down and noticed that his hand was once again rubbing his left forearm. "No," he muttered and folded his hands, "not anymore."

Remus looked at Severus's hands and nodded absent-mindedly. He seemed to be leading an inner debate. "Whatever it was that you had to do," he said suddenly, and it sounded as if he had been holding it back for a very long time, "you can tell me. I believe I've said it before."

Severus considered his worried face and felt strangely good. He said nothing. He hoped that Remus would understand that there would be no talking about it. Remus had only seen the least part of Severus's real face. Or was the face he had shown to Remus for a whole year really his true face? Severus screwed up his eyes in a surge of guilt and knew that what he had done had nothing to do with his true face. But that didn't make it less horrible.

Remus looked at him intently. "I wanted to ask you something. All this time I wanted to ask you."

Severus looked away, expecting a question he had no answer to, but Remus didn't say anything. After a while Severus dared to look at him again and saw Remus biting his lip. When the werewolf noticed he was being watched he smiled again and shook his head. "No it's nothing," said the werewolf. "I'm tired I think I'll be going to bed."

He didn't move. Was he expecting something? Some reaction of Severus's? Some reply? He realised he hadn't said anything at all since the last time Remus had spoken. How did Remus interpret that? Surely he wouldn't come up with the fact that Severus was feeling ashamed of himself.

Suddenly Remus chuckled and Severus shivered. "You ..." he began and seemed to be searching for words. Then he chuckled again and smiled at Severus like he only smiled at him, Severus was sure. "It is good to see you."

Severus couldn't say anything even when Remus passed him to go upstairs. He didn't feel up to it. What could he say really? He was at a dead end.

"Good night," said Remus without turning around.

"Yes," said Severus stupidly. Remus chuckled. There was that bitter note in his chuckle. Then he disappeared. Severus lingered in the kitchen for a while longer, listening to the silence. He looked at the ceiling. It was very strange, Remus's behaviour, wasn't it?

He couldn't sleep that night. Every time he closed his eyes there were four faces looking back at him. He couldn't bear it. He didn't want to think about it. Instead he got out of bed and started pacing, thinking about what had happened earlier that night. What did it mean? Had anything changed? What did Remus feel for him? Had that changed?

Severus kicked the leg of his bed. He should have apologised. He could at least have said something meaningful ... he had never said anything meaningful to Remus. He stopped and looked at his reflection in the window. He had never actually thought about it ... what did he want from Remus? What did he want to achieve? Did he really want everything to go back to how it had been? Or was it enough to just talk? To just get along? But he didn't need to think about it for long. Within seconds he knew the answer. And within days he got proof of it. And yet, he wouldn't do anything about it. He couldn't. If he could he would have done so much earlier. There were so many reasons that he didn't even try. But he didn't know how long he could stay rational and how long the negative feelings about what had happened stayed too strong for the positive feelings to dominate his actions. Perhaps everything would have been easier if Severus had known what Remus thought about it. But Remus didn't say anything. His behaviour didn't give anything away. Should he be angry, he didn't show it. Should he have feelings for Severus that went beyond mere liking, he didn't tell. It wasn't like him. It was a mystery.

The Weasley children had arrived at Grimmauld Place and were immediately shocked when Severus entered the kitchen in which they were having supper. They all gaped at him shamelessly and Remus who had been giving second helpings to Ginny – gentleman that he was – chuckled his hoarse chuckle and indicated a free chair for Severus to sit down.

"You may join us if you like, Molly cooked a wonderful meal," said the werewolf and the children's shocked eyes turned on him. He chuckled again. Severus sat down opposite him and crossed his arms declining the plate Molly offered him.

When Black entered the kitchen it turned out the Weasley twins were delighted with him and Remus whose blasted map seemed to have been their greatest helper in terms of pranks for years. Their ridiculous nicknames had revealed it. Molly seemed to become more disapproving of them by the minute. Black was pointedly ignoring Severus whereas Remus frequently glanced at him over his shoulder. Kingsley Shacklebolt and Arthur Weasley arrived shortly after Severus bringing with them Hermione Granger who fell into Ginny's arms and was greeted enthusiastically by all the other Weasleys. She noticed Severus nodded nervously and turned away very quickly. Remus seemed quite amused holding out a plate to Hermione as she shook his hand happily.

"It's so nice to see you again, Professor Lupin, it really is," she said and accepted the plate from him.

He waved a hand at her and shook his head with a smile. "Oh, please don't call me that, we're not at school anymore. Remus is just fine, really," he replied and she turned slightly pink, looking at her feet. "And the pleasure is all mine," he finished with a wink, using the opportunity to free himself from Black and the twins. "I hope you don't mind some cleaning, we could do with some help."

Granger nodded and made room for Remus to sit down beside her. "Ron's already warned me. I'm sure it will be fun anyway, with Ron and the others around ..."

"I'm sure," said Remus with a laugh. Severus noticed that Molly was watching him with narrowed eyes. Remus seemed restless, his legs bounced up and down constantly. The full moon was approaching. It was clearly visible at least to Severus. Remus turned round to him rather abruptly catching him off-guard. He smiled at him and pointed at his crossed arms.

"Any calls since the last one?" he asked quietly, worriedly. Severus shook his head. None, fortunately. "That's good ... or isn't it?"

"Personally, I prefer it that way," said Severus slowly, "for Albus it would be better if there were more calls."

Remus frowned. "How is it to be at a meeting?"

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Oh it is good fun, we all gather round a table in the Dark Lord's favourite pub and have a few Butterbeers," he drawled and Remus shook his head at him with a laugh. "What do you think how it is?"

Remus folded his hands and leaned forward. "I thought I'd get a proper answer," he whispered and Severus didn't know whether he had made him angry or not. But he had no chance to give a different answer or to find out what Remus was feeling, for Albus entered the kitchen and asked the children to leave. Remus got up and – as if unconsciously – laid his hand on Severus's shoulder in passing. It was startling.

"We've cleaned out a few rooms for you, I'll show you where they are," said Remus to the children and led the way out of the kitchen. "You will need to watch your step."

The meeting started when Remus had returned and everyone had settled down. Severus regretted not having saved him a seat, he would have liked to give him a proper answer. It seemed like he was doing everything wrong. It was probably better if he didn't come too close to Remus. For he knew he couldn't have what he wanted. He had no right to it. He never got what he wanted. Life had nothing to give to him.

The prominent conversation – if you could call it that for it was rather a shouting match – at the kitchen table of number twelve after the meeting had ended was about Remus. Though the werewolf was in the room, one hand massaging his forehead, nobody seemed to take notice of him or even ask him for his opinion. And no one seemed to care that he heard everything they said. Apparently they didn't care if even the last Muggle in Great Britain heard everything they said. If Severus hadn't been so curious, he would have left lest his eardrums burst. Remus seemed to take it with annoyed amusement. If such a thing existed. Severus wasn't an expert on amusement.

"Surely he can find a different place to – ah – _transform_," said Molly Weasley with nervous disapproval.

"This is my house and I'm making the rules here!" barked Black.

"These are my children and I'm not having a – a _beast_ in the house where they sleep!" she cried shrilly and Severus's fingers twitched. He wished he could hex her right there. Too many witnesses.

"He's not a beast, and he'll be locked in you foolish woman!"

"Don't you take that tone with me, Sirius! Who knows if it'll be save ... anything could happen."

"You doubt my ability to keep a werewolf at bay?"

"Why yes, I do, our lives are at stake here!"

"Don't talk about things you don't understand!"

"Please, surely we can talk about this quietly," tried Arthur and was run over by his wife.

"There's nothing to talk about! He leaves! A werewolf in the house with the children. Nothing doing! It's bad enough that he's here all the time –"

"Now listen here woman," bellowed Black, firing up and, for once, Severus was with him. "Remus is my friend and the best man in this room! You won't go and talk badly of him!"

At that Remus rose on weak legs and everyone fell silent. "I have no wish to trouble anyone. And to be quite sincere I have no wish to be the object of your shouting any longer. I will go to my own place for the full moon, so rest your mind, Molly," he said quietly, turning away to make himself a cup of tea.

"But, Moony, I can't come with you!" said Black defiantly. "You don't have to leave!"

Remus didn't answer. He took his cup of tea and bid everyone a good night before leaving the kitchen to go to bed. Severus followed silently, leaving behind the raised voices in the kitchen. As he came into the narrow hall it was empty. Severus wondered how staggering Remus could have escaped so quickly. Then he noticed that he shouldn't be looking for him at all. Then he realised that he wasn't alone.

"Can I help you?" said Remus from behind him and Severus turned. The werewolf was standing in the shadows beside the banister of the stairs that led to the first floor.

"No," said Severus shortly. Remus held a finger to his nicely curved lips. Like Cupid's bow really. How silly.

"You'll wake her," Remus whispered.

"Whom?" asked Severus confused.

"Sirius's mother," replied Remus and pointed towards the moth-eaten curtains at the wall that had puzzled Severus the first time he had been here. Severus considered them and figured they covered a painting. "We wouldn't want that. I know I'm a werewolf without her telling me." He smiled grimly. Severus remembered that Remus had once laughed at him for his grim smile, had not been able to imagine that such a thing existed.

"What could be worse than Black but his mother?" said Severus, already loathing the painting.

Remus's smile changed into a genuinely amused one and Severus felt pleased. And then he didn't anymore. Remus was going to bed. And Severus wasn't following him. Most probably Black was.

"You two are terrible. Why can't you give me a break from telling you off?"

Severus considered Remus's face. His repertoire of smiles was endless. "I'm not a child," he said.

"I know who you are," replied Remus quietly and his smile became ... yes, well, bittersweet.

"You do," said Severus regretfully. Remus became suddenly sad. So did his smile. "A smile for every occasion?" asked Severus despite himself and after a moment of utter perplexity Remus chuckled again.

"You need to smile more," he suggested, "you'll have just as many different kinds of them, too."

Severus thought that a conversation in a dark hallway was better somehow than one in a lit room. It was different. Somehow more sincere. He liked it. And he hated it for the ruins it showed him. Hated that standing so close to Remus reminded him of the fact that he had, not so long ago, shared a bed with him, touched his skin whenever he had felt like it. And now the mere feeling of fingers touching hands was unreal and difficult. Now they felt awkward in each other's presence, sleeping miles away from each other. How regrettable.

"I don't have much occasion to smile these days," he said and turned to leave.

"Good night, Severus," said Remus as he ascended the stairs.

"Yes," replied Severus, slipping out of the door, "good night."


	6. Meetings

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling, especially the excerpts from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: Alright, using my little free time for an upload :D. Thanks for your comments, everyone!**  
**

KnockerOnADoor: I thought Molly would act like that because Ron acted like that in the Shrieking Shack, and someone must have told him that werewolves are not to be trusted, I don't think Arthur would do that. But Molly doesn't stay so mean, you're right she wants to protect her children ;).

Smurny: Severus is also surprised that Remus is so kind to him :). He does feel resentment, it's just not very obvious yet.

**Meetings**

"What's wrong with you?"

"Hm?"

"Severus, what is it?" snapped Lucius from his left. "You've been like this all night, what's wrong?"

Severus had been staring into nothingness for a while now, eyes unseeing, mind miles away in London, in a kitchen where a restless werewolf was probably sitting all alone. The night was unusually cold. But then again, in the presence of the Dark Lord, Severus always felt cold. He had been so absent-minded he wasn't even scared anymore. An icy voice was cutting through the silence of the graveyard. Severus's eyes focused on the ground again and in an instant he was back among the waking. He looked round at Lucius who was eyeing him worriedly.

"Where were you just now?" he hissed when the Dark Lord turned his back on them. The icy voice was like the whistling of the wind in a corridor. Severus shook his head.

"I was thinking of …" he said but trailed off. He couldn't possibly tell Lucius about it. They weren't thoughts one should have at a Death Eater meeting, when one had better be listening to what the Dark Lord was saying. And as they were thoughts one only shared with a friend, Severus would never tell them to anyone.

"It's not like you to be dreaming. The last time I saw you like this was over a decade ago … That's dangerous," added Lucius when Severus made no answer. Severus knew he was right. He didn't need to be told.

Severus took a deep breath and cleared his mind. "I lost concentration," he whispered. "Not to worry."

"My friends," hissed the Dark Lord's cold voice and Lucius flinched. Severus was calm. There was nothing that could shake him now. "Apparently you are not interested in what I have to tell you."

"Forgive us, my Lord, we didn't mean to be inattentive," said Lucius with audible fear in his voice.

"This once I will forgive it," replied the Dark Lord malignantly. He passed Severus so closely that his robe touched Severus very slightly. He took another deep breath when the Dark Lord's eyes met his. He thought there was no feeling more disgusting than the twisted mind of his master penetrating his own. Skillfully he pretended that his walls were falling and revealed some innermost thoughts that were private but not compromising. He knew how to fool the Dark Lord. He supposed that there was no one who could practice Occlumency as well as he could.

After a moment the Dark Lord seemed satisfied and moved on. Relief. His mind was drifting off again. But this time his ears still registered what everyone was saying.

"As I was saying, this prophecy is essential to our limitless success. And to get it, we have to penetrate the Ministry. Have you made any progress, Lucius, Avery?"

Now that might prove interesting. Severus wondered how the two others would approach the problem. Lucius had already started getting very nervous. Severus almost felt with him. If they failed, it would end in pain. But nobody could feel as much pain as Severus was feeling. Had been feeling all his life.

"Well, my Lord –"

"It presented itself as rather difficult to –"

But of course. He should have known that those two alone would never find a way. And if they did it would be ages until they succeeded in realising it. And then it would probably go wrong. And the Dark Lord's anger would be great. Not that they didn't deserve some punishment. But wasn't it much more important now to find out how to manage being in Remus's presence without behaving like a complete moron? Right now was the time to think about what he could do to … yes, well, to do what exactly?

"Do not bore me with your excuses. If you don't bring me good news next time, I think some – ah – reminder will be in order."

"Yes, my Lord."

Probably it was best to keep his distance. Every time he looked at Remus it made him feel guilty. The more Remus behaved as if nothing had happened the guiltier Severus felt. And though Severus knew that he had thought he couldn't fix what he had destroyed, couldn't forgive what both of them had done, he felt that it had been a mistake not to try. A mistake to wait so long, or rather to be too timid to write a letter or talk to him. It was unnerving to think that Remus had lost interest. And if Severus was honest with himself it wasn't the fact that Remus was out of reach that upset him so – for it didn't make a difference – it was the fact that Remus didn't care.

"And, Severus, I think that _you_ need a reminder that your attention is to lie with me while I am speaking. _Crucio_."

Pain. Excruciating pain.

Seeing Remus in the company of Black was not very comforting. Especially while Severus was deprived of Remus's company. In fact it was infuriating. Though Severus thought that sometimes Remus's attention turned to him instead of Black. And apparently, Moody noticed that too. No surprise. All he did was watch Severus with that grotesque eye of his and all Severus did was watch Remus. It was horrible to be chained to someone like that. To someone who hadn't yet shown that he felt the same way.

It was rather unbearable. He couldn't be close to him without revealing how much he needed him. Severus had decided that it was no good dwelling on memories and wishes. He had accepted that he was too weak, too ashamed and too hopeless to do something about it. He had waited too long anyway. And if Remus thought differently, he would already have acted. He was Remus after all.

In truth Severus feared Remus would make him talk. Talk about what had happened a year ago, about why he hadn't even written a letter, not a word in a whole year, if he had ever wanted to find Remus or not, and most of all, about what he had to do for the Dark Lord. Severus didn't want to talk about any of it. There were no words strong enough to express it. And he was tired of talking about his mistakes.

He knew Remus. He knew the werewolf would want answers to his questions. Severus didn't want to disappoint him anymore. He was the one who had given it up, he couldn't just walk up to Remus and say, 'Let's forget what happened, I am in need of your help.' No. And if he was perfectly honest that was the actual reason for his timidity.

From afar Remus seemed much safer to admire.

"What are you staring at Lupin for, eh, Snape?"

Severus turned slowly round to look at Moody's scarred face. He hated him. He had always hated him. He would always hate him. He knew that it showed on his face. He had never cared to hide such emotions when it wasn't necessary.

"What business is it of yours?" he growled.

"I tell you what business of mine it is, it is my business to watch you."

"On whose orders?" Severus snapped, balling his fists.

"I don't need orders to know a rotten egg, Snape," snarled Moody with open contempt in his voice.

Severus's stomach churned. He clenched his teeth. The other people in the kitchen of number twelve, Grimmauld Place were already turning their heads to them and the Weasley twins were trying to get closer to them with eager looks on their faces. Severus wondered how many of them were thinking the same thing as Moody. That Snape is not to be trusted. The Death Eater. Severus avoided Remus's eyes. What did he think? After what Severus had done to Remus, Black was not the only one who had reason to mistrust him.

"I think this is not the time and place to fight amongst ourselves," said Remus and all heads except Severus's turned to him. "Don't you agree, Mad-Eye?"

Moody huffed, gave Severus a last suspicious glance and stomped off. Severus didn't look at Remus anymore, he just stared at the floor. He saw Remus's feet. Fidgeting. Severus knew that fidgeting. It was the full moon. It still surprised him how well Remus hid it.

"Hey, you git," snapped Black and Severus raised his eyes into his horrid face, loathing him.

"Charming," snarled Severus.

"You can brew that Potion for Remus!" said Black, ignoring him.

Remus, who had been talking to Tonks, turned round and hit Black's shoulder. "Leave it, Sirius."

"Why?"

"It is already too late, anyway. Don't bother him."

In that moment, thankfully, Dumbledore entered the room and everyone fell silent. Severus felt shabby.

Somehow even though this was Black's house, Severus didn't bother being here as long as Black wasn't there. After the meeting he lingered in the stairway to the ground floor, even though his arm was prickling unpleasantly. Or maybe because it was prickling. After a while he heard steps coming from above. It was Remus. Insomnia, Severus thought. No, he knew.

"Oh," said Remus. "Aren't you tired, Severus?" He passed him and came very close. Severus swallowed and shook his head. Remus smiled vaguely and entered the kitchen. Severus knew that Tonks was still there. He wondered whether she meant something to him. He rolled his eyes. Silly.

Remus chuckled. Severus felt jealous. He heard him walking restlessly around the room. Tidying up. Tonks was talking. Remus seemed to enjoy her company. He replied something and Tonks laughed out loud. Jealousy.

_Why don't you join them? _

Don't be ridiculous ... They wouldn't want me to join.

_But maybe you're thirsty?_

"Where does one get something to drink in this rubbish bin?"

Remus and Tonks looked up from their papers and gave him a surprised look. Severus crossed his arms and scowled down at them. Tonks averted her eyes. Remus got up.

"Right here," said he and walked over to the pantry. "What would you like? We have Butterbeer, Firewhisky, water and ... more Firewhisky." He turned and smiled apologetically. "I thought Molly had destroyed all of that, but obviously I was oblivious as to the amount of bottles we have, or rather, he hid. I could make some tea, though, if you like."

Severus clenched his fists which had been trembling ever since the Dark Lord had punished him. The way Remus said "we" made him uneasy. Maybe some alcohol to calm his nerves? But he couldn't say something like that to Remus. Not even to himself.

"I guess I'll just make some tea to calm the nerves, what do you think?" said Remus without waiting for Severus's reply and took out a kettle and three cups. "For old time's sake." Remus held out a steaming cup to him and the bitter tea tasted sweet on Severus's tongue when the werewolf smiled at him.

Severus started to dislike Order meetings more than Death Eater meetings. Mocking Black could not make up for the terrible time he spent there. The most horrid thing that could have happened came about this evening. He hid his shame and his repulsion at himself. He missed Remus most right then, for in such moments as now, Remus had this look on his face that Severus had once cherished. That look that now made him uneasy.

He had to clarify that the Muggle family that had been found dead in their house in Windsor had been the sacrifice he had had to make to gain the Dark Lord's trust. Everyone was staring at him with shocked expressions. Their mouths gaping, their eyes unbelieving. Were they really sitting at the same table as that murderer? Not Remus, though, Remus just looked sad, as if he pitied him. Because he knew what Severus was feeling, no matter how indifferent he pretended to be.

Severus knew that Remus knew because Remus had this look on his face. This knowing look that reached right into Severus's soul. Remus was the only one who knew what was going on inside Severus.

Severus looked back at Remus whose kind face was soothing and knew that the life the werewolf was leading had been formed by him, Severus, for one deed – the first one in a chain of events – could change everything. He felt horrible. He had been forgiven what he had done to Remus. More than once. And he had become more terrible still. Yes, Remus's eyes made him feel more horrible than before.

"There were children," growled Moody. Severus didn't look at him. Did he think that Severus had enjoyed it? Did he expect that Severus wouldn't have to prove that he was still a true Death Eater? They will thank you in the end. Severus doubted it. He doubted he'd make it that far.

"I had no choice," said Severus monotonously. It was none of their business. It was private. He was still staring into Remus's eyes.

"How cold-blooded can you get?" growled Black.

"Well, now that that's clarified, let us continue," said Albus's voice from somewhere far away and nobody seemed to be able to complain. Severus was glad.

"Don't think about it anymore, Severus, it is no good," said Remus very quietly and Severus couldn't look away. He didn't want to see the disgust in everyone's faces. He couldn't help but feel grateful for Remus's understanding. Severus was not evil. Nobody knew how hard it was. He didn't want to tell anyone about it.

Even when everyone got up to leave, Remus stayed put and for the first time in over a year he laid his hand on Severus's arm. It was a message. And maybe something he had longed to do. At least Severus had longed for it. But now it happened, it was like a dagger in his arm. It was unreal. Neither wrong nor right, neither good nor bad. It hurt in a nice way. He was torn.

"Even if it is hard now, you will make it. And one day they will realise that they need to thank you for this," Remus continued. Severus looked at his hand and wanted to grasp it. He resisted. But couldn't withdraw his arm.

"I doubt it," he said. "I doubt it all."

Remus frowned. And fidgeted. The kitchen was empty now. Not long to the full moon. Remus couldn't hide it for long now. He seemed to have got weaker. "And yet we go on," he said with a weak smile.

Severus raised his eyebrows. How similar they were. Remus fidgeted harder."Forgive me," he muttered, withdrawing his hand to hug himself. Severus felt shabby. It was not the same between them. He couldn't bear it. Daily meetings now. He had to bear it. The fidgeting was hidden from Black and Tonks as they came in. Severus got up to leave.

Remus got up too and walked Severus to the front door, though it wasn't necessary. But Severus didn't want to say it. "I'll lock the door behind you," Remus explained as they came into the hall. He looked even paler and sicker in the dim light. "Take care," Remus whispered as he opened the door. Severus nodded stiffly and tried not to touch Remus as he passed him. He heard Remus's chuckle and shivered. Everything was the same between them.

Lucius was extremely nervous. Severus knew because Lucius had asked him to visit which he didn't often do, and because Severus was the only one Lucius confided in when he had a problem. Probably because he knew Severus wouldn't tell anyone about it. Besides, Severus knew that Lucius thought he could talk to Severus openly without losing face, he knew he didn't need to impress him other than his friends, he felt superior. Though right now he wasn't so self-confident. He was pacing his enormous office in front of Severus who was sitting on the leather sofa considering a dragon's head on the wall that Lucius had obviously bought illegally from some black market dealer in Nocturn Alley. He thought about all the different potions he could brew from it when Lucius finally stopped pacing and turned to Severus with a desperate sigh.

"I don't know how, Severus," he said and threw up his hands. Severus rarely saw Lucius losing his dignity and his pride. "He will punish me. But I just don't know how to get through that door."

"I cannot help you, Lucius," replied Severus lazily, he was tired of it. "I don't know anything about the Ministry. You and Avery need to come up with something yourselves."

Lucius slumped down beside Severus and rubbed his eyes. "Come now, Severus, hasn't Dumbledore told you anything? Hasn't he told you how the prophecy can be acquired?"

Severus snorted. "Of course, Dumbledore tells someone who's constantly close to the Dark Lord how to acquire the prophecy. There are limits even to his trust," said he. "What you need is an Unspeakable."

Lucius looked at him. "And you think I didn't come up with that? It is not as easy as that. I'm close to Fudge but it is nearly impossible to get close enough to an Unspeakable to manipulate them." He paused and looked at the ceiling. "Maybe I should just take a look at the door. Maybe I can slip through undetected and look around."

"Don't risk too much, Lucius," replied Severus, rather to prevent that Lucius found out too much than to prevent him being arrested. "The Department of Mysteries is well protected. And you wouldn't want to lose your privilege of entering the Ministry, that would anger the Dark Lord even more."

"Then I guess we will have to try something out, I will need to talk to Avery," said Lucius. "And the Dark Lord won't be pleased when you tell him that Dumbledore knows about our plan to get the prophecy."

"I fear you are right," muttered Severus as the door opened and Narcissa entered.

"Severus," she smiled, "how nice to see you. I hope you will stay to dinner, Draco would like to see you, I'm sure."

Severus doubted it strongly. "No, thank you, Narcissa, I have a meeting with Dumbledore."

"I see," she said, "what a pity. Lucius, Avery is downstairs, waiting for you."

Severus took that as an excuse to leave. He liked to walk down the drive of Malfoy Manor. He felt so normal when he looked at the white Peacocks, the bushes shaped like unicorns and the impressive manor. And then he noticed how poor Remus was compared to Lucius and how indecent that was.

"I want you to tell Voldemort that I know he wants the prophecy and that I've taken measures to protect it," said Albus when they descended the stairs to Black's kitchen. "I want you to tell Lucius that we have people there who guard the door. That might keep him busy for a while."

"Or it will endanger those who are on guard duty every night," said Severus. "Or they might lose their jobs if Lucius tells someone in the Ministry to have a look at the door at night. Are you sure you want me to –"

"Yes, I'm sure, Severus," interrupted Albus with a wave of his hand. "I'm sure Lucius will try to use our guards to his advantage. And as long as he concentrates on that plan he will not try and find an Unspeakable to help him." He stopped halfway down the stairs and turned to Severus. "There is one thing they don't yet know about the prophecies in the Department of Mysteries. There is no way any plan will succeed, Severus. And as long as they are busy with different kinds of plans they will not find out that their plans will remain fruitless. That gives us another few months."

"I don't understand," said Severus when they continued down the stairs, "what you mean. Why are you so sure that those plans won't succeed?"

"Because Voldemort would have to fetch the prophecy himself. That is all I can tell you at this moment, I hope you understand," explained Albus and clapped Severus's shoulder before moving to the head of the kitchen table. Severus watched him thoughtfully before finding a free chair. Severus looked around the kitchen and pretended not to be aware of Remus's presence. He failed. As he usually did lately. The werewolf was pacing, a cup of tea in his trembling hands. When he noticed Severus he gave him a nod and a smile before resuming his pacing. He only sat down when Black came and pulled him into a chair, incomprehensive to what Remus was feeling, like a guest in his own body.

The kitchen was filling gradually as members of the Order started filing in and Molly chased her children out and up to bed. Nymphadora Tonks slumped down in a chair next to Remus and began talking in on him animatedly. Remus seemed to find that rather amusing. And yet Severus thought he could see gratitude and satisfaction in the way he looked at her. Severus considered them. If there wasn't another man, maybe there was a woman? Or maybe there would be.

He clenched his fists and hated Nymphadora Tonks fully.

Severus watched her during the meeting and very soon it was clear to him. The way she looked at him, the way she talked to him and touched him ever so casually. He knew what that meant. He wondered if Remus had noticed it too.

The meeting was taken up mostly by Bill Weasley's report about Goblins and Severus's report about Lucius and Avery. Everyone was still eyeing him in that strange way, as if he had two heads or four arms. He wondered when that would stop, though there were already members whose respect for him was visible on their faces. The thing was just that that didn't make him feel much better. He wished he didn't have to attend those meetings any longer.

He lingered after the meeting, quite casually, and glanced at Remus who got to his feet with difficulty and accompanied Tonks out of the kitchen. Severus followed, annoyed by how little notice Remus took of him. The pair of them stopped at the foot of the stairs to the upper floors and Severus stayed in the shadows. He strained his ears.

"… could sleep here, there's enough room," said Remus when Tonks yawned widely.

"Think I'll do just that. Pushing Sirius out of bed in the morning will be fun!" replied Tonks and led the way upstairs when Remus let her pass him in a manner of 'ladies first'. Just that Severus couldn't see a lady anywhere.

He made room for the last few Order members who pushed past him to the front door, then he glanced around, making sure that no one could see him and flitted up the stairs, past some ugly elf heads and into the gloom of the first floor. He squinted into the darkness and proceeded over the dusty floor that muffled his creeping steps. He tried to hear something underneath the silence, but there was no sound. All doors were closed.

What _are_ you doing here? This is ridiculous. What are you looking for?

"Are you looking for me?"

Severus started and pulled out his wand, pointing it to his right where the voice had come from one of the bedrooms. Remus's golden eyes were shining out of it, the door was slightly ajar. Severus lowered his wand and stepped back. Remus smiled.

"What can I do for you?"

"Nothing," said Severus. They stared at each other. "Where is –"

"Nymphadora? Last door to the left," said Remus with a curious look. "What do you want with her?"

Severus wrinkled his nose. A reflex. "Nothing." With her? Surely not. Why are you still standing there? Leave! _But I want to look inside his room_. Remus opened the door wider and leaned against the doorframe. He looked so nice in his tired and shabby state. He had this look on his face. This knowing look. Severus shivered visibly.

"What can I do for you?" Remus repeated and cocked his head to one side. He looked as if he wanted to offer Severus to come into his bedroom. But that was probably just Severus's imagination. He glanced inside and there was no one there. He took a deep breath. And whipped up his arm with a gasp of pain. Remus flinched and stretched out a hand. "Are you alright?" he breathed and made to touch him.

Severus stepped back from him and shook his head, clutching his left forearm in which the burning pain was already subsiding to a mere hot feeling. "It's nothing. I need to go," he pressed and turned away from Remus's concerned face with inappropriate satisfaction. He walked back down the landing and stopped only when Remus spoke again.

"You are welcome to call again afterwards."

Severus tried not to interpret anything into that, but his feet seemed to have left the ground even before he Disapparated.


	7. Things Unsaid

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling, especially the excerpts from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: I liked this chapter. Things are finally moving.**  
**

**Things Unsaid**

A sudden change had come over Molly Weasley when Severus entered the kitchen of number twelve, Grimmauld Place for that evening's meeting. She was serving Remus a late dinner and obviously treating him with her finest cooking which, judging by the jealous looks on her children's faces (including Granger), was reserved only for very special individuals. Remus seemed tiredly overwhelmed and gave Molly one of his charmingly thankful smiles. He looked ill as usual around this time of month and with a pang Severus realised that he could just have brewed the Wolfsbane, what harm would it have done? He pretended to himself that he didn't care and while lingering in the doorway he watched the scene before him in mild surprise. Just a few days ago, Molly had avoided close contact with Remus and treated him like air. What had changed?

"This really isn't necessary, Molly. Please don't go to any more pains. I'll be just fine," said Remus in a half-embarrassed, half-amused voice that wavered here and there, giving away the strain Remus was under just sitting up straight and holding a fork.

"Don't be ridiculous, Remus, look at yourself. You are much too skinny! If you were one of my boys – now, eat, do me the favour. You'll need the strength," said Molly and Severus raised his eyebrows. How come? This was so unusual.

"Mum, we'd like some as well," tried Fred Weasley, Severus could always distinguish him by his slightly harsher voice.

"You've already had your share!" snapped Molly and brandished her ladle at him. "And don't you dare steal from Remus!"

"We need the strength, too!" said Ron and Remus chuckled, letting Ginny pick a potato from his plate behind her mother's back.

"You are not –" she faltered and Severus knew that she couldn't bring herself to say 'a werewolf', "in the Order!" Remus cleared his throat quietly but acted as if he hadn't noticed the short pause. "Remus works hard, he needs to be fed!"

Behind her Remus had burst out laughing at that and tried to cover it as a coughing fit, being clapped on the back by a roaring Black and a giggling Ginny. Severus couldn't hold back a smirk at the unintended pun. Molly looked disapprovingly at Black and Severus suddenly felt much more approving of her. He stepped into the kitchen and ignored how everyone fell silent, sitting down opposite the werewolf who gave him a quiet 'hello' and offered him a potato from his own fork. Black looked appalled but Severus shook his head with a sneer and folded his arms. Sometimes Remus's actions seemed like relics of the close relationship they had had. After a moment or two everyone busied themselves with anything but Severus and Black tried to envelop Remus in a conversation.

Remus … how painful that name still was in his mind. He didn't know what to think. He didn't know what Remus's behaviour meant. He was all but trying to get closer to Severus as he had used to during his year at Hogwarts. Severus wouldn't have believed that anything was worse than hatred, but indifference was. Sure enough Remus wasn't entirely indifferent to Severus, he seemed to be interested in him, but not in the nonexistent relationship between them. It was a mystery to him. He admitted to himself that he had expected differently. He was being pathetic once again.

He drummed his fingers on the table and watched Remus intently. Until he noticed that Remus was watching him too. Black turned away from the werewolf, bored by Remus's lack of response and Remus smiled slightly. "Are you sure that you don't want a potato? They are really good," he said quietly and indicated his plate.

Severus looked away. The last time they had eaten together had been the last night of Remus's employment at Hogwarts. He scowled. If he reached out now, he could touch Remus's fingers. He balled his hand into a fist. Why should you touch him? If he doesn't want to touch you, why should you touch him? _Because I crave him, need him. _You wimp. What has become of you? Will you hover out of the room if he smiles at you?

He chanced a glance at Remus and was met by that same intent stare and inquisitive smile. Severus stared back for a moment, then he averted his eyes and fiddled with his sleeves. What was this smile? It was different wasn't it? It was … expectant. Severus looked up again. Yes, there was something expectant beside the searching expression. Remus was chewing slowly. Severus was wondering.

"How are you feeling?" said Remus, after he had swallowed.

Severus wanted to glare but it ended up as a grimace. "What business is that of yours?" he said softly and shoved Granger's cat away from him with his leg.

"I am interested," replied Remus and leaned back slightly when Molly gave him second helpings. He stopped her with a frantic wave of the hand when the pile of potatoes grew to the size of Mount Everest. "I'd like to know if you're … you know, 'alright'"

He gave Severus an apologetic look and Severus wanted to strangle him. He wasn't alright. In no way. And this strange situation didn't help him tidy up his mind and get his thoughts in order to fend off the Dark Lord. Sometimes he lost a certain memory, and it just slipped from behind the curtain. That could lead to exposure. And Albus scolded him for it whenever they practiced. He blamed Remus. Severus scowled at Remus's food. He didn't want to let Albus see all these memories. To look into those thoughts. Not to speak of the Dark Lord. It was private. It was meaningful. It was over, apparently.

Remus was staring at him. Severus found it rather disconcerting. "What?" he snapped and tried not to regret it.

Remus smiled but didn't answer. He didn't move either. Severus fidgeted. He found it rather strange.

"Tomorrow is the full moon," Remus said quietly as the Weasley twins passed.

Severus swallowed. "I know."

Remus seemed to notice suddenly that he had made Severus uncomfortable. "Oh, I didn't mean to reproach you, I wanted to ask you a favour."

Severus raised an eyebrow. Every one of Remus's words hurt him somehow. And everyone of his own stung on his tongue. "Why do you think would I do you one?"

Remus didn't reply to this. In fact, he ignored it. "In the morning, would you kindly come and bring me one of those magnificent potions? I cannot lie in bed for days. I'm too busy."

"Come?" asked Severus despite himself. "I thought Molly Weasley didn't want a werewolf in the house with the children."

Remus smiled. "Ah, at the moment I think she finds Sirius a bigger threat to her children … or at least to their education. It seems I have been able to convince her of my likability."

Severus looked at him skeptically. "Indeed? And how would you have done that?"

"I talked to her. Or rather," he dropped his voice, "I comforted her. And she saw me with her children. You know I think they like me."

"You think?" asked Severus sarcastically. He was unwilling to accept this explanation. Most probably Remus had done something special. Or heroic. Or both. But he let it rest. Remus was modest.

"But I won't be here, anyway. I will go to my place. I'll try to return here in the morning. I'd be grateful if you came."

"And why doesn't Black look after you?"

"Oh, well …" Remus tried to grin but it was more of a grimace. "He's busy with himself."

Severus felt a rush of glee inside him. But he wouldn't show it. "You seem to have done well without my care," he said.

"Then I am a better actor than I thought."

Severus stopped and narrowed his eyes at Remus. "I will come. But don't expect any babysitting."

"Of course not, thank you very much," said Remus and inclined his head. Severus remembered the many nights he had lain awake because of Remus's transformations.

"Not at all."

When Albus entered the kitchen, he first talked to the children and told them not to tell Potter anything about the Order or Grimmauld Place. Apparently the brat had started asking questions and getting angry. Severus knew how it was to be left out, he couldn't approve of the way Albus acted. He was sure it would make Potter reckless. He was much like his godfather.

"You were right about Lucius," said Severus when Albus passed him. "Maybe you should warn those who guard the door."

"Thank you, Severus," said Albus simply and started the meeting. Severus was annoyed.

"Something is bothering you," said Albus when they were leaving Grimmauld Place after the meeting. It wasn't a question.

"The Dark Lord is trying to get into the Ministry and making progress, doesn't that bother you?" snapped Severus. Albus shook his head.

"That's not what's bothering you," he said. Again no question. "It is something private."

"You do know what private means?" retorted Severus irritably.

"You should talk about it," said Albus. "You know you should."

Severus scowled at him and watched him disappear into thin air. For twenty-four hours he lay in bed undisturbed. It was relieving not to be talking or clearing his mind or being stared at. Though he noticed how much he was in need of Dreamless Sleep Draught. Whenever he closed his eyes one of his cruelties swam before them, making it impossible to sleep without waking every few hours, drenched in cold sweat, heart hammering violently. If Remus knew how many times he was being thought of that day …

On the full moon there was no cloud in the sky, everything was eerily calm and bright. There were no Order meetings on a full moon out of respect for Remus, neither did the Death Eaters assemble, though Severus had expected the Dark Lord to use the creepy atmosphere to his advantage. It was almost morning when Lucius's head appeared in Severus's fireplace to ask the names of those who were standing guard at the Ministry. Severus told them to him and advised him not to try anything with the Aurors. There was no getting past Shacklebolt he was sure. Albus, he hoped, knew what he was doing.

When morning broke, Severus became slightly nervous. He descended into the basement and fetched one of his Strengthening Potions before going back to bed for another few hours' sleep. Surely it would take the werewolf some time to return to Grimmauld Place. And then Severus could tend to him like he had used to. He caught himself liking that thought.

He was a coward. There he was, potion in his pocket, braced for everything he might see, to heal every injury that could be found, standing in front of the door to Remus's room at number twelve where the werewolf had said he'd return in the morning. It was now midday. Severus had already spent twenty minutes just looking at the door, raising his hand now and then ready to knock but faltering in the end. What would happen if he entered? He didn't see a good end to it. Being alone with a weak Remus in one room was no good idea. It was something that scared him for no evident reason. He didn't know why, but he couldn't bring himself to knock. To be asked in.

It wasn't the same between them, and pretending that it was made it worse. When he heard someone coming downstairs from the second floor he moved away from Remus's door and into the library which was directly opposite. The children and Black had just cleared it out. It was a room with high windows, enchanted most probably, as they let in bright light from a sun that wasn't shining that day. Outside it was cloudy. The room wasn't as gloomy as the others. There was a small sofa with a table in front of it in the midst of many bookshelves that contained books Severus would have liked to look at had he not been worried about his fingers being cut off by hidden guillotines. He trusted the Black family with everything.

Behind him the Weasley boys had arrived on the landing and were passing a Quaffle between them, rather noisier than they should. Severus sat down on the sofa and looked at Remus's door which he could see perfectly from there. He couldn't imagine the werewolf would like the sound of a Quaffle banging against his door. Severus looked away, assuming that Remus had not yet returned from his house. But he was only telling himself that so he had an excuse for not knocking. Not that it was safe to step out on the landing now anyway. He didn't like the feeling of a Quaffle hitting his head. Neither did Ron it seemed for he cried out and the next thing Severus heard was a _thump_ as if the Quaffle had made the acquaintance of a stomach.

Severus leant back and wrapped his hand round the phial in his pocket. He was feeling like an idiot. He could just have entered the room delivered the potion and left. But whenever he was with Remus he wanted to hear his voice. Whenever he was alone with him he wanted something he couldn't have. It was no use, it was impossible. Severus couldn't take more disappointments, more pain, the inevitable separation that he had to fear. When he looked into those amber eyes he felt ashamed. He was sick of feeling ashamed. He was sick of feeling guilty. He wanted peace, silence. He didn't want to talk anymore and he didn't want to be touched anymore. He wished he could just go somewhere far away without responsibilities, without duties, without lies and truth. Without feelings.

A door opened, another _thump_ could be heard and then collective silence. The boys had stopped playing and shouting and Severus thought they had been forced to do so by his mere will power. But he was mistaken. Obviously he wasn't the only one who could make people fall silent by his mere presence.

"Boys, I would appreciate it if you were a little more quiet," said a very raspy voice in a tone that only Remus could master; it was mild and yet one couldn't miss that it was no request, but an order. That, Severus thought, was probably what a teacher's voice needed to sound like. "Last night was the full moon and I am sure you will understand that I need some rest."

The boys mumbled a guilty apology and Remus gave them back their Quaffle before they descended the stairs to the ground floor. Severus half wished Remus wouldn't notice him and just retreat into his bedroom to sleep. No such luck. Severus was clearly visible from Remus's point of view. After a moment of obvious hesitation, Severus heard Remus close the door and move towards him on shaky legs. Severus saw him in the corner of his eye when he steadied himself on the shelves and wall, staggering with more dignity than Severus had when standing up straight.

Severus only looked at him properly when he sat down beside him on the sofa, or rather collapsed on it. He looked extremely exhausted. It must have cost him great energy to come back to Grimmauld Place right after a full moon, without help. Severus felt his stomach churning. But it wasn't his responsibility, not anymore. Remus smelt of smoke. Probably he had come by Floo. Apparating didn't seem to be one of his strengths. Severus found he quite liked the smell of smoke mingled with Remus's usual scent. It smelt so alive.

"Hello," croaked Remus and Severus nodded. He couldn't speak. He could almost never speak in Remus's presence. Maybe he feared he would say something wrong. Like … I love you. But there was no fooling himself, those words would never pass his lips. "You could have come in you know? I thought you weren't coming after all." Remus brushed his fringe out of his damp forehead.

His hair wasn't well groomed today, it was flat and lank. Usually – Severus knew from having seen it – Remus's hair sprang into perfectly handsome place every morning with no effort at all. And though the rest of him was shabby, Remus always kept himself neat and well-groomed. His dignity demanded it. Not today. He looked as if he hadn't slept in days, and that – Severus knew from having experienced it – was probably true. He was always out on duties and when he came back he attended meetings, entertained Black or wrote reports. When he finally got some sleep the children would wake him. They had yet to learn not to disturb him.

"I said I'd come," said Severus and knew that if Remus hadn't spotted him, his reputation of being very reliable would have taken great damage. Not that Remus would have begrudged it, he thought himself unimportant, though he wasn't. There were no visible injuries and Remus didn't say anything, but Severus knew he wouldn't and yet he didn't ask about it. Remus's sleeves were very long, only his fingers were visible, as if he wanted to hide his injuries. Severus didn't like it. He took out the phial he had warmed in his hand and Remus took it carefully, taking it at the bottom so as not to touch Severus's fingers. Severus didn't like it. He felt like the potion delivery service. He felt like he wasn't special at all. He could have slapped himself for that thought. He was an idiot. This moment of lank hair and flat voices was all he had. It was something, which wasn't necessarily better than nothing. But nothing was impossible.

"I'm sorry to have bothered you, but I didn't know whom else to ask," said Remus and Severus didn't like it. It sounded as if he didn't actually want to see him. That there had been no other choice. Severus wanted him to be happy to see him, he knew it was foolish, but he wanted Remus to be pleased to see him.

To Remus it didn't seem to matter. And deep inside his wretched soul Severus never wanted him to be happy again, if it wasn't with him. He wanted it to matter to Remus that they no longer had anything to share. But then again, that wasn't Remus's fault, and Severus supposed he had every right of moving on. Even more so when Severus gave him no sign that he hadn't. Yet it drove Severus mad that Remus didn't seem to care.

"You should take a break," said Severus, "you can barely stand upright."

Remus sipped his potion, which he only did when he wanted to lengthen Severus's stay. Severus wondered what he needed more time for. He caught himself almost believing that the werewolf liked his presence. "Thank you for your concern Severus," said Remus with one of those smiles that weren't real, "but as I'm sure you know, I have my duties as you have yours."

And then it struck Severus. What was making him uncomfortable was right there. In that very moment. "You just need to be needed," he said a little more harshly than he had intended, but he was too angry to care. It was the way Remus talked to him. Severus hated this distanced tone. It was as if nothing had ever happened between them. There was no intimate notion in the way the werewolf chose his words, it was as if they were nothing more than mere fleeting acquaintances not two men who had shared a bed. Severus was ready to explode at the werewolf. If he didn't want intimacy, then he should at least act and speak with awkwardness or hostility or disappointment. But this was simply unbearable. It was insulting. It was a petty attempt at pretending that they had never had a relationship and Severus couldn't accept that. He got up rather forcefully and Remus raised his eyebrows at him.

"I like to be needed," he admitted in that calm voice that Severus knew from Remus's first day at Hogwarts. "And I know that you do, too."

Severus was fuming now. Remus couldn't possibly pretend they didn't know each other and admit that they did know each other very well, all in one sentence. He wanted to slap him. He wanted to tell him how angry it made him, how hurt he was. But he figured Remus knew. As he always knew.

"I didn't want to upset you," said Remus and drained the potion, handing Severus back his phial. Severus wrenched it out of his weak fingers and turned to leave without another word, underestimating the strength of the chains Remus's voice could lay round his legs. "I have a question."

Remus's voice wasn't mild now, it was calm but in a harsh way. Remus seemed to have noticed, for he softened it when he continued. "Just this one question and then you can leave, if you like."

Severus didn't turn round he just waved his hand to show that Remus should continue. He was too nervous to turn round. He didn't want Remus to read anything in his face.

"If you … if you hadn't been forced to see me again because of the Order, if it hadn't been for Voldemort," said Remus and Severus suddenly felt as if he had lost the floor under his feet, as though he were falling into a pit. His stomach turned and his neck became very hot. "Would you have wanted to see me again, like I said you could? I mean, would you have come to see me … eventually?" Remus added that last word like a helpful step stone in a river. He didn't sound hopeful, he sounded worried. Severus had never been able to read him very well but now he really didn't know what he could tell him, what he would want to hear. He only knew how to hurt him. Or rather he knew what would have hurt him a year ago.

There was a long pause. Then Remus spoke again. "The truth if you please," he said very quietly and Severus felt he owed him the truth. He thought it over. Every possibility. He knew the answer, but he wanted to be sure before giving it. He wondered whether he should count in the possibility that one day he wouldn't have been able to stand the loneliness anymore but decided against it. He couldn't stand the loneliness, and yet the fear of all the other horrible feelings when seeing Remus again was stronger still. He had not tried to find Remus in a whole year, the trips to his house didn't count, he hadn't had any intention to speak to him. He would not have tried to find Remus in the next year, either, or the year after that, because the farewell had been a horrible one, had shown him who he really was and … and Remus deserved better. Severus was sure he had come to share that opinion.

No, Severus had been disappointed and angry so long that, when those feelings had finally ceased and he would have been ready to find Remus, too much time had passed and it had been too late. Shame had held him back, a shame he couldn't admit. Actions he couldn't apologise for, and couldn't forgive. And Severus would have thought it cowardly and pathetic, if he had crawled to Remus because he couldn't handle the Dark Lord's return on his own. He disliked himself. He dwelled on something he had pushed out of his life for fear. And now that he knew Remus had been right, that you could forgive everything if you loved someone, that you would do everything to be close to them, it was Remus who didn't feel the same anymore. And he had every right and reason not to do so. But Severus couldn't bear it.

"Would you have come to see me, Severus?" Remus repeated still very quietly. And Severus turned round to him.

"No," he said softly. He didn't elaborate. It wasn't necessary. That was all Remus needed to know.

"I see," said Remus. There was no visible emotion on his face, no frown, no tear, nothing. And it was the most horrible thing Severus had ever seen. "I thought so," added Remus with a voice as calm as a lake on a windless day. Probably he had just wanted the confirmation that it had been right to stop waiting.

Severus felt a prickling in his eyes. Hadn't Remus promised he'd be waiting? For how long he hadn't said, forever Severus had secretly hoped. He had had no right to, and he had no right now to blame the werewolf for moving on, or for being little impressed by Severus's answer. Remus had waited, but Severus hadn't come, and he wouldn't. Because what Remus wanted to hear, Severus couldn't say, even now. Though he knew he felt it. It was a pulsing pain inside him right now. He couldn't change who he was.

He turned away and shut his eyes against the prickling. When he opened them again his eyelashes were gleaming and he failed to glare at himself. And he thought it served him right to feel so dreadful now, for this was what Remus must have been feeling when Severus had sent him away, had refused to give them a second chance. They didn't exchange another word. He left the library slowly as if he were glued to Remus. When he reached the front door and wanted to open it, he noticed he had crushed the phial in his hand. He was bleeding in a way that was very soothing. As if his grief were streaming out of the wound to leave him empty.

He couldn't deny that there had been hope. Hope for what he didn't know. Maybe that Remus would take it in his own hands and just continue where they had left off. How silly. How desperate. He had hoped that Remus still had feelings for him. Or at least that he felt sad about what had happened. It would have made him feel less alone. He wondered how he could have let something like that happen. How it was possible that they had turned from lovers to … two people who were absolutely uncomfortable in each other's company.

He wished he had told Remus what he felt in that room, had acted as though it didn't matter if Remus felt the same way. That would have been impressive. But Severus wasn't impressive. Not in these things. He was a hopeless child.

When he returned home he sat down in his armchair, put his face into his hands and just stared at the floor for hours. The thought that he had proof now, that there was no one who really cared about him anymore was making him desperate. He couldn't be close to Remus anymore. Now he had no strength left to sit in his presence and talk to him. He had irrevocably lost what had been so obviously his. No, he had thrown it away. He wished he didn't have to attend Order meetings anymore, where he had to talk in Remus's presence, with his eyes on him that he liked so much. When he got up to retreat into his bedroom his hands were wet. He wasn't alright.


	8. Lies

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling, especially the excerpts from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: Don't worry it won't take much longer for them both to make some progress, but you know me, I like slow progress. **  
**

Smurny: Oh, the boggart hasn't taken place yet, I suppose Remus did something nice even before the boggart but we'll never know :). I think in this chapter scenes aren't that confusing :) I could be wrong. I will put scene breaks in future chapters.

**Lies**

He never wanted to see him again. Never. Absolutely not. Not an inch of his body. Thank you very much! His eyes were glued to his soft mild face and they were stinging. It was the mere sight of him, the mere agony of looking at him without being able to touch him. Ever again. While Black's arm was snaking round Remus's shoulders again and again, his face coming close to Remus's ear to whisper and smile.

Severus wanted to be blind. He wanted to feel nothing. There was a cold fire raging inside him, suffocating his heart. And yet he was empty. Why couldn't he just be indifferent? It was a dilemma. It was unbearable to avoid Remus, and he couldn't bear seeing him. Severus wished he could decide which was worse. He had started to avoid avoiding him, for it was humiliating to always turn on his heel when Remus was in sight or earshot. But like that of course he saw Remus much more often. And the company he was in. Whenever he saw him with the mutt or the tomboy he hated them all with might.

Severus had hoped that at least he wouldn't have to talk to Remus. And at first Remus did not seek conversations with him, but after a while he started provoking them. Awfully forced, polite, meaningless conversations that Severus just couldn't stand. Remus was trying to be nice. Though Severus was convinced the werewolf must be angry deep inside if he tortured him like that all the time. But then he realised what the werewolf was after: friendship. Severus hated to think that Remus wanted to turn them into friends. He wouldn't be capable of that. It was already physically straining to just be in the same room with Remus, but being friends was absolutely out of the question.

Yet Severus couldn't tell Remus that he wanted no further contact. At least not without being forced to. That was another thing that would hurt him physically, not just because it was a downright lie. But he realised it would be necessary if he didn't want to collapse on the floor one day, desperate and exhausted. It was costing him much more strength to bear Remus's presence than the Dark Lord's.

More and more often he didn't respond to Remus at all, lacking the strength to snap at him, or rather to endure Black's anger for snapping at his friend. He wished he could kill Black right there, wand under the table. Nobody would see. But wishful thinking had never helped him. And still, after a day spent in the company of his fellow Death Eaters most of whom he loathed, it was cathartic, laying eyes on Remus whom he loved. As long as they didn't talk, reminding him of the fact that there was nothing cathartic about them. At night he could still tell how it had been, lying beside each other. Sometimes he saw Remus's face in his dreams and when he woke up in the morning he was holding onto his blanket rather ridiculously.

"Have you heard the news?" said Lucius one night after having pushed past a grumpy Severus into his sitting room. He turned to look at him and his face was more gleeful than Severus had seen it in weeks.

"I hope it's worth disturbing me, Lucius," growled Severus irritably. Lucius rolled his eyes and held out a hand to stop him from talking.

"You will be delighted," said Lucius and Severus already feared that he had found a way to acquire the prophecy. "Harry Potter will be expelled from Hogwarts."

Severus ogled him speechlessly for a few moments. Usually such news would have meant a great party but right now it was as if a boulder the size of Hagrid had dropped into his stomach. "What?"

"Yes, you heard me right! The boy cast a Patronus Charm while he was with a Muggle," sneered Lucius and seemed to be enjoying himself rather much. "Of course he was supposed to be expelled right away, but Dumbledore talked in on the Minister and Potter's expulsion has been postponed. But I'm sure after the disciplinary hearing he won't stand a chance of talking himself out of that one."

Severus listened but didn't understand a word. "What do you mean, a Patronus? Why would he do that? There were no Dementors in Little Whinging were there?"

But Lucius only shrugged. "I wouldn't know. And I can't imagine why there would have been any Dementors."

"Maybe the Dark Lord sent them?" suggested Severus and the boulder in his stomach seemed to grow. If that was the case he should have known. He should have prevented it. Albus wouldn't be too pleased.

"If he did, he didn't tell me," said Lucius thoughtfully. "But that's beside the point, Severus, you should be happy! That makes everything easier!"

"You think so?" asked Severus, sitting down when Lucius moved back towards the front door.

"Of course," cried Lucius enthusiastically, "and I'll be the one to tell the Dark Lord. That will make him forget that I haven't fulfilled my task yet. I'll see you then, Severus."

He had gone before Severus could tell him not to be so rash. Should Potter remain at Hogwarts after all, the Dark Lord would be very displeased.

Severus was already expecting Albus's Patronus when it finally appeared on his knee to tell him that there was an emergency meeting and that he should come to Grimmauld Place immediately. It was very early in the morning, but the Weasley brats had been woken by the noise the Order members were making and were now assembled on the first floor, looking down over the banister to see who was coming. Or slightly more than just that. Molly was currently telling them off for having tried to eavesdrop again. By means of something extendable apparently. She was holding some flesh-coloured strings in her hand and her sons were positively glaring at her.

"Extendable Ears," said Remus who had approached him from behind without making a noise. "Fred and George's invention. We discovered them after the last meeting. Quite clever actually, but I shouldn't approve," he added with a mischievous smile that suited him rather well. Severus made no answer but looked back at the Extendable Ears as they seemed to be called. Remus never seemed offended when Severus didn't answer. Perhaps he was just talking to him out of a habit and wasn't expecting a reply. Severus hoped Remus wouldn't sit next to him at the table. But Remus didn't sit down at all, he leaned against the wall beside the door as if to guard it. Maybe he didn't believe that Molly had confiscated all Extendable Ears.

Albus informed everyone of what had happened at Little Whinging, making Molly gasp and Moody curse Mundungus Fletcher whose turn it had been to watch Potter. Severus told everyone that he had no knowledge of where the Dementors had come from or who had sent them, that the Dark Lord had not told him or Lucius that he was planning such an attack but that that didn't necessarily mean that he wasn't behind it.

"Well, what use is a spy when he doesn't even know what his master is doing?" said Black malignantly. Severus didn't look at him when he replied.

"Oh, I'm sure spending one's time at home, comfortable and lazy, while doing nothing at all that would help the Order is much more useful than looking the Dark Lord in the eye, feeding him false information and gathering important facts," he said silkily and was satisfied when he finally turned his face to Black, who was almost exploding with fury. "How's the cleaning going, anyway, Black?"

Black sprang from his chair brandishing a finger at Severus. "If I were cleaning, you would be the first bit of filth I'd throw out!" he snarled, resisting Remus's attempts to silence him.

Severus was spared the effort to snap at him by Albus who told Black off before continuing with his report. Black walked away from the table towards Remus with an expression of deepest contempt and laid his arm on Remus's shoulder, making it very difficult for Severus not to hex him. Albus had obviously been able to convince the Ministry not to expel the Potter immediately. At least he still had that much influence after having been smeared in the papers for several weeks now. Potter was to know nothing about the plan to fetch him from his home and bring him to Grimmauld Place.

„I would like to pass the responsibility to fetch Harry to Remus, as he is the one Harry knows best. Remus, you will assemble volunteers to accompany you."

"Yes, Albus, thank you," said Remus with a little less enthusiasm than Severus would have expected. After the meeting Remus was bestowed with more attention than he seemed to fancy. He needed to choose how many of the twenty-five volunteers he wanted to take and ended up with Moody, whom he couldn't possibly have left behind, Shacklebolt, whom he would have been reckless to leave behind and Tonks, Severus noticed with a flare of irrational jealousy, who seemed thrilled to be allowed to accompany him. Dedalus Diggle, Hestia Jones, Emmeline Vance, Elphias Doge and Sturgis Podmore were first to approach Remus so they were taken along as well.

Severus was rather pleased when he saw Black sulking in a dark corner. After Remus had been left in peace again he walked over to him and entreated him best he could. Endearments, promises of presents or exemplary behaviour did nothing to talk Remus into letting him come along, though. In the end he called Remus boring, and traitor and said things like 'thought you were my friend' and 'you were more fun at school' and 'James would have let me', which made Remus point his finger at the door and give him a strict look, saying, "You'd do better to look after yourself so you don't share James's fate sooner than necessary. Don't give me this petulant look, Harry needs you and you would be a bad godfather behind bars or dead."

Black marched off, slamming doors and setting off Mrs Black's portrait. Severus smirked and gathered together his papers. Suddenly he felt warm and he noticed that Remus was standing behind him and no one else was left in the room. He turned slowly and found Remus's golden eyes, slightly narrowed and searching once more.

"Severus," he said and tried to smile. It didn't seem as easy as it usually was. "Wouldn't you like to come, too? I would feel much safer …"

Severus swallowed. That sentence was so filled with subtext that it almost overwhelmed him. But maybe Remus hadn't meant it like that at all. Of course not. Maybe he was looking forward to nightshift with Tonks. "You have Aurors with you. Three. Surely you don't want to ruin that by taking a Death Eater along."

Remus frowned. "To be honest, Mad-Eye makes me a little nervous, I'm sure he'll act as if we were on a secret mission to save the world. He will abandon half of us in flight from a plane and sacrifice himself in battle with geese. And as for Tonks, I'm not quite sure yet what she's really capable of." He paused and looked thoughtful for a second, then he shrugged. "You see, this is a great responsibility and I'd feel better if you were there. You are a better wizard than me."

Severus lowered his eyes and cleared his throat. "I will not go anywhere with Moody. And I'm sure he feels the same way. Now, if you'll excuse me –"

"No," said Remus and seized Severus's arm. A burning sensation. "I'm sorry because of the other day … I think it is my fault. I have annoyed you."

Severus yanked his arm away. "It was a legitimate question and you had every right to ask it," he muttered, sounding more reasonable and grown-up than he was feeling.

"Oh," said Remus looking at him with that searching look and that glint in his eyes that Severus didn't know. "But – but then we could –"

"You should be proud of yourself," Severus interrupted him. He couldn't resist the temptation of saying something nice. Now that he had something meaningless to say that would cheer Remus up, he couldn't help but say it.

Remus raised his eyebrows. "Excuse me?" said he slowly.

"You saved Potter's life, I thought that would make you feel good," replied Severus without looking at him.

"What do you mean? I wasn't even there. Harry cast that Patronus."

Severus sighed. "And who taught it to him?" he asked impatiently. Remus lowered his eyes. "You think you are the wrong person to fetch Potter, but in truth, you are the one who made it possible that there still is someone to fetch."

Remus looked up at him and smiled vaguely. Severus averted his eyes and turned to leave but Remus stopped him. "I thought we could be friends," he said quickly and fell silent.

Severus had feared that he would say that. He wasn't even angry now, only tired, disappointed.

"Or we could at least talk to each other in a civilised way," Remus added when Severus didn't answer.

Severus took a deep breath. "I am not interested in being your friend," he said. The truth. "Or in talking to you," he added. A lie.

A moment's silence. Then Remus spoke again. "But why? I don't understand. I'd regret it if we just didn't have anything to do with each other anymore."

You would? thought Severus. Me too, but ... "I think I have made myself clear enough, I won't discuss it," he snapped. "And I would appreciate it if you accepted that I want you to stay away from me."

Remus looked at him in incomprehension and every word hurt Severus more than the werewolf could imagine. After a few moments Remus sighed and though his face told Severus that he didn't agree he nodded. "If that's what you want …" he said, running a hand through his greying hair. He looked very tired at that moment. And much older than he should. And yet Severus was surprised that he had given in so easily. For he still looked troubled. There was no smile on his face now, not even the shadow of one. Severus wouldn't have thought that it would trouble him so much. He would have thought it might be a relief to Remus.

"You don't need me, do you? You have Black," he said and tried to sound indifferent not jealous. Failing of course. "And when you haven't got him, you have that girl. So spare me the pity."

Remus gave him a bewildered look and Severus turned away from the warmth that radiated from him. He missed that warmth.

"I do not pity you," said Remus softly. "I admire you."

Severus thought he had misheard but the Gryffindorish sincerity in Remus's tired face confirmed what he had said. A few seconds passed in silence as Severus thought about a witty reply or an appropriate remark but when none came to him he lowered his eyes and left without another word. 'Admire' was not what he had wanted to hear, but it had certainly had an effect.

On the following day Severus was summoned to the Dark Lord's domicile to report what Dumbledore was doing about Potter. Severus was forced to practice Occlumency all through the interview which wasn't just tiring but also highly dangerous. He was just glad that he could answer most questions truthfully.

"And you have no knowledge of when the boy will be moved?" asked the Dark Lord and his voice was colder even than the stone floor Severus was kneeling on.

"None, my Lord, the werewolf has been entrusted with the task and he keeps the date quite secret," said Severus which was a half truth, for he hadn't even asked Remus when it would take place. "Only the Advance Guard know when Potter will be moved and if I may say so, my Lord, it wouldn't be the best opportunity to get at the boy."

"You may, Severus, I have other plans anyway," said the Dark Lord and walked round Severus so he was standing behind his back. Severus didn't feel very well like that, he liked to be aware of the Dark Lord's actions and not seeing him was making him feel uncomfortable. His knees were starting to hurt, his back was aching from his bowing position and his eyes were tiring from the dim torchlight. It was getting difficult to concentrate. "Do you think, Severus, that Dumbledore will be able to convince the Ministry that the boy should not be expelled?"

"Yes, my Lord, I do," said Severus truthfully and almost felt sorry for Lucius.

"Even though the Ministry is against him? Even though Fudge is against him?"

"Dumbledore still has many friends and admirers in the Wizengamot, my Lord, I am almost sure that they will have no other choice but to clear the boy and send him back to school," said Severus as the Dark Lord appeared in front of him again.

"I fear you are right," he said quietly. "Very well, Severus, you may rise." Severus obeyed and got up, waiting for his dismissal. He hated bowing to the Dark Lord, kissing the hem of his robe and speaking to him in respectful tones that he would never apply for anyone in real life. Bowing to this man whom he hated more than anyone else. He took a deep breath and let go of those emotions, thinking of nothing at all. Not a moment too soon. The red eyes met his and the Dark Lord spoke again. "And Dumbledore still hasn't told you anything about the prophecy?"

"No, my Lord," said Severus, lying shamelessly. "He makes it quite a secret. No matter how often I ask, he won't say what he knows. I beg your forgiveness, my Lord." And he really hoped he wouldn't be punished for having achieved nothing. But the Dark Lord seemed satisfied with him.

"No, Severus, unlike Lucius and Avery, you are not at fault for your failure. Dumbledore is clever. He will keep his most important secrets to himself," he said with contempt. "You may go now, Severus."

"Thank you, my Lord," said Severus and retreated to the door in a half bow, turning his back on the Dark Lord only to open the door. When he arrived home his breathing was fast and his heart hammering. He was always surprised when he left that room without having been tortured or killed. It was relieving. And a sign that he was getting closer to his aim.

The next Order meeting started later than it had been announced. Two more days had passed and it was the night Potter was to be fetched in. The members of the Advance Guard had not yet returned with Potter when Severus and everyone else were already assembled in the kitchen of number twelve. Severus worried despite himself, even though he knew the Death Eaters couldn't have attacked, least of all without his knowledge. But shortly after Albus had arrived and started the meeting without those who were late, there was a knock on the front door and Molly got up to open it. Severus sighed, relieved when he saw Remus enter the kitchen unharmed. A moment later he glared at the other man who sat down beside Black who asked him immediately how things had gone.

"No problems," said Remus to the room at large and everyone nodded in satisfaction. Albus smiled approvingly at Remus who seemed relieved that everything had gone well.

Albus warned everyone in the room to tell Potter only as much as he needed to know about the Order and not more. Severus knew that he was worried about the Dark Lord's access to Potter's mind. The rest of the meeting was comprised of reports about the Dark Lord's followers and the protection of the prophecy. Severus affirmed again that the Dark Lord had not mentioned that the Dementors had been sent by him but no one could come up with another possibility why they had attacked Potter. Black was already getting impatient in his seat when the meeting finally ended and he sprang from his chair to see his godson but Albus held him back for a conversation.

Severus followed everyone else upstairs and got into a group who started investigating him against his will. He just wanted to go home.

"And you are sure it wasn't You-Know-Who, who sent the Dementors?" asked Diggle incredulously. Severus sighed.

"The Dark Lord did not mentioned it to me or Lucius before it happened and when he summoned me for a private meeting, he did not say anything, either. That can mean that it wasn't him, or that he doesn't want to tell."

"Well, then why don't you just ask him, Snape?" growled Moody behind him and Severus shot him a dirty look over his shoulder.

"You don't just _ask_ the Dark Lord such things. Either you are told, or you aren't. The Dark Lord despises questions. Especially those which he thinks unimportant. If the Dark Lord doesn't tell then he doesn't want to tell and all a question will earn you is a nice Cruciatus Curse," Severus said silkily and most of the group shuddered.

"Would surely do you some good," snarled Moody.

"Alastor," said Remus in a warning voice that made Moody shrug and stomp off.

"So he talks to you in private?" asked Tonks and Severus glared at her. "Pretty familiar, isn't it?

"The Dark Lord talks to all his Death Eaters in private, _Nymphadora_," replied Severus, intentionally using her first name to annoy her as he had used to do at school. "It is easier to see through us when we are on our own. I am surprised that you were accepted as an Auror when you can't even make that connection."

Tonks glared back at him, her hair turning a crimson red. Remus seemed to be restraining himself from telling Severus off like he would have in the past.

"But why didn't he attack us tonight, why doesn't he make a move?" asked Jones and Severus sighed again. He really was tired.

"He focuses on acquiring the prophecy and his followers are recruiting more followers. That seems to be all he is interested in at the moment. The prophecy is very important to him. Without it he fears he will not be certain of his success," he explained and when Podmore opened his mouth to ask the next question he was finally redeemed.

"I think Severus has answered enough questions for tonight, I'm sure you are all equally tired and should get home," said Remus spreading his arms to herd them all to the door. Despite himself Severus felt grateful. He glanced at Remus who met his eyes for a short moment before opening the door to let everyone out. "Good night," he said quietly when the others filed out.

Then he looked back at Severus and considered him for a while, seemingly leading an inner debate if he should say something or not. Severus avoided his eyes. He was last in the queue in front of the door and Remus had much time to think. His golden eyes were burning into Severus's neck. He wished it were a good feeling as it had used to be. But now it was only making him uncomfortable. And as Severus could have predicted, Remus couldn't hold back.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay to dinner?" asked Remus on their way to the door. Severus shot him a scowl that didn't need any words. "I only want to be polite," added Remus, holding up his hands in defence.

"I'm not interested in your politeness," snapped Severus impatiently. It was hard to snap at Remus when … no, actually it always was. Severus regretted it deeply.

"I hoped it wouldn't turn out like this," said Remus softly, so only Severus would hear it. He had obviously lost his ability to see through Severus. Or he hadn't.

"How could you have doubted it," hissed Severus when he slipped through the door.

"As I said," replied Remus before shutting it, "I hoped."

And before the door closed on Severus he was almost sure he saw true sadness on Remus's handsome face. And though he had hoped he could finally get over Remus, he knew then that it was impossible. He had known before of course. He had known all along. Being loved had felt too good. And being liked hurt even more now.


	9. Moments

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: This one is a little shorter, just a moment, really :) composed of moments throughout a normal day in Severus's double-spy life. The tea will have to wait a bit ... **  
**

Thank you all for your comments and compliments, they motivate me very much!

**Moments**

It was the first time Severus met the old house-elf that crept about number twelve all the time. It was very strange indeed. The elf didn't seem to notice Severus at all as it slipped out of the pantry, mumbling to itself. Severus wasn't used to house-elves that were so impolite. And this one seemed to have gone mad over the years. It shuffled through the kitchen and past Severus who had arrived early for a meeting with Albus. Severus didn't even need to strain his ears to hear what it was saying.

"… filthy Mudbloods, no respect for my poor mistress's belongings. And – oh – what would mistress say if she knew, if she had seen the werewolf touch her precious treasures with his filthy claws? Master has nasty friends, mistress always knew it. A half-breed besmirching the noble House of Black."

Severus balled his fists and glared at the elf as if he could set fire to it with his eyes. It finally seemed to notice him and looked up into his face. It narrowed its eyes at him.

"Kreacher knows him not, they say he's a Death Eater," it muttered and Severus could have strangled it for its impertinence. "Like Master Regulus, mistress loved him … This one … They say he's a murderer, like Master Sirius."

"Get out of my sight," snarled Severus and the elf started as if surprised that Severus was aware of its presence. Then it bowed and shuffled out of the kitchen, not without continuing to mumble about the shame Remus brought over the house. Severus looked after it in contempt, grasping his left forearm rather forcefully.

"Did he annoy you?" asked Albus, appearing in the doorway. "Kreacher has a habit of muttering to himself."

Severus made no answer. He let go of his arm, angry at the elf, and sat down on a kitchen chair. It was three days to Potter's hearing and since the last Order meeting Severus had not been called by the Dark Lord and had only entered Grimmauld Place to leave messages or give out warnings or to receive information from other Order members. Once he had met Minerva who treated him normally again, a fact that cheered him up a little. He hadn't seen Remus in a week. He heaved a sigh and scowled at Albus.

"Has Lucius mentioned anything to you?" asked Albus, his blue eyes piercing Severus.

"He said he wanted to try the Imperius Curse on one of our guards," said Severus lazily, resting his head on his hand. "I told him to be careful. Shall I alert the guards?"

Albus shook his head, looking thoughtful but unconcerned. "No, I think we should let Lucius try. First of all to maintain your cover. If he succeeds, he will know that you didn't warn anyone and that he can trust you with future plans … apart from that, it won't be a great danger."

Severus raised his eyebrows. "To our guards it will be," said he. "If they fight his Curse they will be in great danger should he duel them. He wouldn't want to leave witnesses. And if they are caught by Aurors or watchwizards they will lose their jobs or be arrested."

Albus nodded. "Of course you are right. If you could give him a recommendation as to the date I would appreciate it …"

Severus gave him a bewildered look. "What do you mean? Shall I tell him whom to Curse? I thought we were trying to protect that prophecy."

"I want you to tell him whom not to Curse," said Albus. "Believe me, there will be no danger. Not to the prophecy and not to us."

"You would sacrifice one of our –"

"Of course not, Severus. Just tell him not to try anything with Kingsley, Arthur or Nymphadora. You must feed him some information so he and Voldemort believe you are helping them." Albus paused and seemed to be considering something. Then he continued, "It would be good if you told them that Sturgis is the best choice."

There was a moment's silence before Severus accepted the fact that he was giving crucial information to the enemy. "You think he is?"

"Well, I think he will not be the easiest or the hardest to overpower. And I fear I cannot risk Arthur or our Aurors losing their jobs," replied Albus thoughtfully. "Tell them you think it would be easiest to Curse Sturgis. It wouldn't be, but they don't know that and they won't find out. And then we will see what they make of it."

Severus's scowl deepened. "I don't feel comfortable with this, Albus, I hope you know what you are doing."

Albus got up and smiled a shrewd smile. "Of course I do. Though I feel a little guilty because of Sturgis, there is no other way. Otherwise you might be suspected of holding back useful information. Tell them what you know about how Sturgis will stand guard. Under the Invisibility Cloak. And tell them to try it on the thirty-first of August. That will give me time."

"Time?" asked Severus, accompanying Albus upstairs.

"To prepare a way to alert the watchwizards that night. We cannot allow Sturgis to enter the Department of Mysteries. That would endanger him," explained Albus and beckoned him to follow him upstairs and into the hall. "Take care, Severus," he said pleasantly and left Severus, disappearing through the front door without any further explanation. The door closed and Severus stared at it, thinking about how to convey the information to Lucius without rousing suspicions. He did feel uncomfortable with the way Albus sacrificed his allies like pawns in a game of chess.

There were steps coming down from the first floor and the cheerful voice of a man, talking to those he had left behind. "Hold the clock down, I'll be back in a second, I just have to lock the door."

Severus froze when he heard that voice and didn't dare move an inch even though he could probably have hidden from Remus before he reached the ground floor, but too late. Remus was wiping his oily hands with a cloth, a smile on his face that Severus wanted to see directed at him. He was rather dirty and disheveled which told Severus that he must be helping the brats with their cleaning; Severus thought it did nothing to make him less desirable. His rolled up sleeve revealed a rosy scar that Severus hadn't yet known and that made his own arm hurt in empathy.

When Remus looked up and noticed that Severus was still there he stopped dead, his smile faltering. They looked at each other in deafening silence. Severus considered him with narrowed eyes, hoping that Remus would keep to their agreement and leave him alone. At the same time he couldn't move. He was transfixed. There was a black smear of dirt under Remus's left eye that made Severus ache madly because in times long past it would have been the perfect excuse to touch him, wiping it away. After a few moments during which Remus obviously fought the urge to say something, he lowered his eyes to his hands. He said nothing. It must be costing him an enormous effort. Severus didn't know whether to be relieved or devastated. He had to admit his secret craving for Remus's 'how are you' that was so caring. Then he realised that this was the moment to leave this bizarre situation of uncomfortable silence and tongue-biting. Severus snapped out of his stupor too and tore his eyes away from Remus's face that looked so grieved that the emotion seized Severus immediately. He walked to the door without looking back and heard the locks clicking when he was descending the front steps. He wondered how he had managed to mess everything up to this extent. He decided he would need some time to himself before visiting Lucius.

Lucius didn't sense the mood Severus was in when he stepped out of the fireplace at Malfoy Manor in the evening. Narcissa was standing beside him, a hand on his arm, looking anxious. Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy. Severus could barely look at the pair of them. Lucius dismissed Severus's scowl with a wave of his hand, asking what was wrong with him lately, but not waiting for an answer.

"So, you said you could help me?" he almost pleaded when he sat down on the sofa with Narcissa. Severus remained standing.

"I hope so," said Severus with unease. "The Dark Lord will not be in a good mood if Potter is cleared."

"Well?" pressed Lucius impatiently.

Severus leant back against the mantelpiece and folded his hands. "I talked to Dumbledore about the guards in the Ministry. He told me that he had no great confidence in Sturgis Podmore, for he seems to be the most unreliable in the group of people who take turns guarding the door," said Severus and paused, thinking about how best to continue.

"Podmore? Are you sure?" asked Lucius eagerly.

"Quite sure," said Severus nodding. "We had a lengthy conversation about the dangers of guarding the door and he was rather worried about the days when Podmore was to guard it. Unfortunately, he says, he hasn't got enough people for guard duty and must resort to volunteers of less quality than Aurors. If you really want to try the Imperius Curse on one of the guards, then I recommend you use Podmore."

It didn't make him feel very proud of himself when Lucius proved himself convinced of Severus's idea. His stomach churned at the thought of letting loose a Death Eater on an ally whom he couldn't even warn. Anything could happen. You have turned soft, he scolded himself. But that wasn't news.

"And when shall I try? When is it his turn to guard the door?" asked Lucius hanging on Severus's lips.

"The the day of Potter's hearing and the thirty-first of August, according to the table Dumbledore showed me. He will be hidden under an Invisibility Cloak, so you will have to detect him first. Should you choose the wrong night you might find yourself face to face with an Auror, so make sure you remember the date correctly," said Severus urgently and forgot for a moment which side he was on and whom he was supposed to protect.

"Don't worry, Severus," replied Lucius and got up. "I owe you for this. Thank you."

Narcissa stood and touched Severus's arm. "Thank you, Severus," she said and he stepped back from her. He was jealous indeed. He was a moron.

Severus nodded and left through the fireplace. Mission accomplished. No, this was no good feeling. It would be no good feeling to be complimented by the Dark Lord, should Lucius's plan succeed. But according to Albus it wouldn't. Severus hoped dearly that he wasn't making a mistake.

Severus couldn't miss the way Remus avoided looking at him whenever they were in the same room. He stared at his hands or at whoever was speaking but never at Severus. It seemed to have become an impossibility for Remus to look at him. It was annoying that it annoyed him. It was annoying that Severus was jealous of Tonks when she touched Remus's arm and seized his hand while talking to him. Severus thought he would crush the table top. And then he thought he wouldn't, after all.

Remus gave her an awkward smile and wound his arm out of her grip. Severus thought he looked uncomfortable with the attention she gave him, with the way she touched him. Or maybe that she touched him at all. Tonks's face fell when Remus excused himself and left the kitchen. Severus watched her and assumed that she felt a bit like he did. When she looked round and noticed his eyes on her she held his gaze, unwavering, and Severus wondered if she knew what they had in common. Or if she thought that two people as different as they were could have nothing in common. Severus knew better.

When he was on his way out he was looking at his sleeve, rolling it up to touch the Dark Mark which had been bruising his skin with impatient heat that had nothing to do with a call. He was so preoccupied that he bumped into someone coming out of one of the doors leading off the hall and they both crashed against the wall at the forceful contact. Severus was about to snap something when his eyes met two golden orbs, gazing up at him with that expression in them that Severus just didn't know. It unnerved him that he could never find out what it was.

Remus pressed against the wall to let Severus pass, seemingly unable to break eye contact now that it had been made. Severus walked slowly round him and was sure that his face was not as passive as he'd have liked it to be. He took great satisfaction in the way Remus finally looked at him, painfully sad. It mirrored what he was feeling. And yet it didn't.

Remus's eyes were bloodshot, but then again, Severus supposed every Order member had bloodshot eyes. Everyone was pale. But were they white as snow? Were their hands reaching out to Severus when he was passing them so close he could just lean in and kiss them? Did their fingers brush the rough fabric of his black cloak when he walked away from them? Had they been waiting for him even when he hadn't meant to come? But had Remus?

Severus regretted having to tear his eyes away and he couldn't resist glancing over his shoulder at the werewolf who was slumped against the wall, staring at the tracks Severus's long robes had left on the dusty floor. The way Remus's head was bent just didn't leave his thoughts until the Dark Lord sent a call and he had to empty his mind from all the confusing, distracting, painful things that occupied it day after day.

The Dark Lord and his Death Eaters took great pleasure in torturing those who had until only an hour before not had the slightest idea that wizards even existed. It seemed to be something of a special thrill for them to see the incomprehensive, incredulous fear in the eyes of their victim, the obvious wish to wake from an especially nasty dream. Laughing at the agonised cries of the Muggle that they valued as highly as they would a mere maggot. Egged on by the Dark Lord the Death Eaters feasted on their terror in the last seconds before their death. And Severus hated them. Hate wasn't the right word, he believed that there was no word strong enough to express the amount of loathing and disgust he felt in such moments. He couldn't find a word to describe how ashamed he felt to have called himself one of them, to be seen as one of them. He could barely force himself to watch and he couldn't bring himself to take part. Only, he had to admit with a shudder, when he had no other choice. Though he loathed to accept that there really was no other choice. It made him sick. It scared him more even than being killed himself.

"I do believe we can leave the dirty work to Severus today," said the icy voice as the circle was broken and everyone gathered behind the Dark Lord.

Severus's stomach turned and he felt immediately dizzy as though the world around him were turning. It was one of those meetings and he was being tested. Tested if he still belonged in the circle. He stood rooted to the ground, scared he might fall if he moved only an inch. The warm night seemed suddenly freezing cold and the wand in his hand like an icicle.

"Why don't you put an end to our lowly guest, Severus?" added the Dark Lord, making the hairs on Severus's neck stand on end. The other Death Eaters sniggered or smirked, Severus saw them like a massive black lump in the corner of his eye.

Cold sweat was forming on his forehead, a sign of the weight that had fallen on his lungs. His chest felt as if someone the size of Hagrid was trying to crush it. His heart had sped up and was almost deafening him. He looked down at the man cowering before him on the ground and took a dangerous step toward him that felt as if gravity had doubled even though his head was so light he could barely think straight. The man whimpered when he saw Severus approaching and he stammered some incoherent pleas. The other Death Eaters laughed and mocked. Severus wondered how anyone could enjoy this. He wondered why he hadn't left this sick group right after the first time he had seen them torture unarmed wizards and witches, kill helpless Muggles. And he wondered if this man's name even mattered to them, if Severus would ever know it. If there was someone waiting for him.

Severus swallowed hard hoping that his knees wouldn't give way as he pulled his wand out of his pocket with fingers that luckily didn't betray him. He will die anyway, does it make a difference if you cast the spell or just watch someone else do it? _It does_. He knew he had grown soft, but he couldn't find it in himself to regret it. The repentance felt good. It made him feel less like a monster. He couldn't describe what was going on inside him now. True, the family of four had been horrible too but he had endured it, he had not been face to face with them, the poison had been his, yes, but he had not been the one to look into the children's faces. At least not while they were still alive. Now he could barely move. His jaw was set and he pointedly avoided the man's eyes. He thought he'd suffocate soon. His wand was still directed at the ground, the muscles in his arm threatening to cramp. The man's pleas, the others' laughs would surely rip Severus's eardrums. For a moment he thought – wished – he couldn't do it. But he knew he could. And must.

"Do I see you hesitating, Severus?" asked the Dark Lord mockingly and yet the warning was clear in his voice. The other Death Eaters fell silent. Finally.

"No, my Lord," said Severus softly but more firmly than he had known he could still be. Albus had told him to make every sacrifice, that everything was to be endured to achieve the unachievable. That no sacrifice was too big. Severus looked into the terrified face before him, knowing that this man right there didn't know that it would be for the best if he died here at Severus's hands. He had no idea that his death meant life to many wizards and witches, maybe in the long run, the Dark Lord's downfall. And even if he did, Severus wouldn't blame him for begging for his life. He raised his wand and pointed it between the man's eyes, making him gasp and plead more forcefully. It was as if someone had poured ice water over Severus's head. He took a deep breath and prepared to smirk, disgusted with himself. This man would never know Severus's true colours. But there were those that did. "I'm just enjoying the moment."


	10. Return

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: So, welcome everyone, I found a few new readers in The Teacher and am glad some of them moved on to Journey :) ... Thanks for reading and thank you all for your comments! I cannot say it often enough. I hope this chapter is as much of a treat to you as it was to me, after such a long time ^^.**  
**

**Return**

Number twelve, Grimmauld Place was dark and cold. Grimmauld Place had felt like the place to go, after Severus had returned home and not even made it inside before being forced to give in to his turned stomach and empty its contents into the dark alleyway that led to the next street. He didn't want this power anymore. He wanted to be at the receiving end. He didn't want to break into tears at the sight of a white cravat in the drawer of his nightstand that he had picked up off his floor a year ago. Feelings were mere torture, invented by a god that loathed his creation.

The few people that wandered Grimmauld Place at night walked right past Severus who was slumped in a chair in the darkest corner of the kitchen. Severus was sure that he just blended in with the background, being dark and cold himself. Surely, he didn't even have a presence. Nobody could see him. Or maybe they all thought him a waking dream. A trick of their tired senses. Even Black shuffled through the kitchen to a cupboard and back, a fresh bottle of Firewhisky in his claw-like hand, without taking the slightest notice of Severus.

At Grimmauld Place he was invisible. He could just sit and watch as the twins stole alcohol and positioned pranks; when Molly came down for a glass of water, and Arthur came down for Molly and Severus felt jealous; Ginny and Granger crept into the room, giggling about amorous adventures while searching for a midnight snack; Tonks arrived, tumbling and falling and miraculously managing to make only little noise, lingering and sighing while constantly looking at the ceiling to where their beloved was sleeping; 'their', because he was neither his nor hers. Apparently only the youngest boys had a sound sleep when it wasn't disturbed by mischief-makers. Speaking of which …

There they were, Remus's golden eyes, shining out of the darkness beyond the door. He was the person Severus wanted to see least of all now, and the person he craved to see more than anyone else. He averted his eyes but Remus, still dressed in his shirt and trousers, stepped out of the darkness and approached Severus slowly, silently on bare feet, and sat down on a chair, leaving one between them. His hand reached out and Severus feared his touch but it was not him he seized, it was a handful of his black robes that were draped over the neighbouring chair. Remus's delicate fingers held onto the fabric as if it were a lifeline in a stormy sea, or a king's cloak to a worshipping servant. For a long time neither of them said anything. Severus just stared at those hands that he wanted to hold and listened to Remus's uneven breathing, the most calming sound he could imagine.

But Remus broke the silence with a voice that betrayed his emotions like Severus had only heard it once before. "I will no longer respect your wishes," he said softly, waveringly. "I do not want to and I will not. I cannot accept it."

Severus said nothing. He wanted to say several things. But his voice would break and he would not speak. He didn't have the words anyway. If he replied to Remus it would just sound shallow and meaningless like it always had.

"Severus, I," whispered Remus and paused to swallow hard, for he couldn't go on for a few seconds, "I cannot accept that after everything that happened I may not touch you anymore, may not treat you with affection or at least talk to you. I cannot bear it. I cannot just forget what I feel for you, and I cannot turn these feelings off. I know what you said, but I waited for you, I waited, telling myself every day that you would come tomorrow even though you never did. I cannot just scratch it from my life and act as if it had been meaningless. I cannot act as if you didn't mean anything to me."

Remus stopped to take a deep breath and Severus closed his eyes against what he had said, for it hurt even more to hear it than to just know. Severus wondered if Remus thought that he didn't feel the same way and worse. He wondered if Remus would ever understand that Severus couldn't bear his presence because he felt the same way. And because he was a monster whose filthy hands and lips were not to touch someone as clean as Remus.

Severus felt Remus's eyes on him and the concerned expression in them. "What happened tonight, Severus?" asked Remus quietly. "And don't say 'nothing' because I know something happened. I know you."

Severus got up, wrenching his robe out of the werewolf's yielding hands and made to leave but Remus followed him and touched his shoulder, making Severus turn violently to bring a distance between them. He didn't want Remus to touch him. He couldn't take it. He didn't want Remus to touch death. To touch murder. He didn't want to allow Remus to soothe him for he didn't deserve even the footprints Remus left in the dust.

"_Don't touch me_," he hissed and knew that the strength to hide his emotions had left him.

"I want to be there for you," replied Remus desperately. "It kills me not to be able to talk to you when you need someone. Please talk to me about it. I want to know. You must talk about it or it will destroy you! I see it in your eyes, I know that it is eating you up inside. You must –"

"Stop it!" Severus snapped and Remus fell silent for a moment, eyes shining brightly in the dim light. "Stop doing that."

"Then what would you like me to do, Severus?" asked Remus with mingled anger and exasperation. Severus hated that question. He didn't want to answer it. "Tell me what to do because I don't know what you want anymore."

Severus turned away from him. He didn't know it either. There was a dagger in his stomach and again his chest felt as if someone were trying to crush it. He couldn't breathe. He would choke. Remus's breathing had turned shallow too and he couldn't wait any longer for Severus's answer.

"Tell me, so I can do it!" he cried and it surprised Severus so much that he looked at him again forgetting to breathe altogether. "Tell me!" Remus repeated and it was half a sob. Severus forbade himself to interpret more into that than he had to.

"Stay away from me," he pressed and when Remus shook his head he felt weak.

"Why?" asked Remus in a whisper. "Why do you hate me?"

It was the only thing that could have made Severus's dam break. He could not hold back. "I don't hate you!" he said so loudly that it echoed off the walls and bounced through the kitchen, sounding like water being poured into a hot cauldron. "I tell you what I hate, I hate being told what to do, I hate being ordered around and insulted and looked at as if I were some dangerous Chimera. I hate seeing others get what should be mine, having what I wish for. I hate killing people just for the fun of the Dark Lord and just for Dumbledore's purpose and I bloody well hate being all alone while I'm forced to be close to someone that I cannot have!"

His voice had become gradually louder and when he was finished his words were still echoing through the kitchen. He was panting again. Remus's eyes were widened and his lips slightly parted in shock. Severus decided that he had said too much and that it was time to leave, his stomach churning again, his throat hurting from the lump that was forming in it, his eyes stinging dangerously and his legs weak as he turned and started ascending the stairs two steps at once. He didn't get far, though. He heard Remus's uncharacteristically wavering voice behind him, "Severus!" and next moment he felt Remus's hand in the crook of his arm, holding him back. That was the last straw. He couldn't bear Remus's touch for one second, it sent a searing pain through his whole body that was guilt, grief, loss and shame all at once and he felt like the monster he was in contrast to Remus who was so pure and good and who had taken all happiness from him.

Severus whirled round so fast Remus couldn't possibly react and gripped his arms with iron hands to shove him roughly against the stone wall, making him flinch in pain and shock. "I said don't touch me," he yelled and the echo of his voice in the dark staircase didn't sound like him at all.

Remus looked into his eyes, his face still sad in his surprise and Severus realised when his nose almost touched Remus's that they hadn't been so close in a year, that their bodies hadn't touched in an eternity and the sudden contact was a cruel treat. And then it wasn't. For when Severus's nerves calmed he noticed that look in Remus's eyes that he knew so well, and he realised what the unknown glint was that had puzzled him so – restraint – that he had been mistaken once again, had misread Remus's words and behaviour, and he remembered a situation quite like this in a dark hallway at Hogwarts, only that Remus had been in his position and it had been him who had leant in.

Severus loosened his grip as Remus's fingers dug into the black fabric of his robes and their eyes softened and closed when Severus gave in to the impulse he had had ever since that first night at Grimmauld Place, lowering his head slowly, carefully, so their lips touched in a wonderfully cathartic kiss.

He laid an arm round the werewolf's waist and a hand to his neck, running his thumb over that soft jaw line while breathing in the licorice scent he had smelled in his dreams and tasting the well known mixture of tea and chocolate. And he knew it was no dream for only the real Remus was this magnificent. Only the real Remus could transmit this wonderful warmth.

He feared the moment he would be forced to let go. The moment Remus realised that this was Severus and that Severus didn't deserve this. So he let their lips part only slightly and only for split seconds, while his body became lighter and his breathing easier and his mind unfocused and pleasant. This natural feeling was what he had craved. This holding someone – no – holding Remus in a way that was familiar and good. This soothing knowledge that Remus still loved him. For if he didn't he wouldn't feel the same anymore.

Remus was pulling on Severus's robes, Severus closed the remaining gap between their chests and felt the werewolf's quickened heartbeat as Remus laid his arms round his neck. Heat spread through Severus's body and a tingling followed in its wake, a memory of how it felt to be skin on skin, and a shiver rippled through him blissfully. Severus held his werewolf so tightly that he almost lifted him off the stone steps. Maybe that was the reason why Remus broke the kiss and turned his face slightly so that Severus's lips touched the corner of his mouth while the werewolf was taking a few deep breaths. Remus's fingers seized the fabric covering Severus's shoulders and he lifted his head off the stone wall, pressing the bridge of his nose into Severus's cheek. And Severus knew that the first passion had subsided and the talking was about to start. He swallowed and caressed the back of Remus's neck where his hair was a fair bit longer than it had been the last time they had touched like this.

Remus settled down against Severus's chest and made no sound whatsoever. Said not a word. Severus loved the feeling of their skin touching. Of his lips touching Remus's cheek. It felt unreal that just a few minutes ago he had yelled at him, had shoved him against the wall more roughly than he had ever touched him. At least with his hands. He screwed up his eyes to chase away unwanted memories and tightened his hold round Remus's waist again. The fact that at any time someone could descend the stairs to enter the kitchen could not make him let go. Now that he could hold Remus again he wouldn't let go. The silence between them was comfortable. A great change. Just their senses now, not their voices. Though it was strange that, although he could have said something without annoying Severus, Remus kept silent. And Severus was waiting for him to speak. He certainly wouldn't start. Probably that was his problem.

Severus didn't know how much time had passed, it might have been minutes or hours or years. Severus lowered his head and pressed his lips tentatively against Remus's neck, expecting him to change his mind at any moment. But on the contrary, Remus stretched his neck and tightened his arms round Severus's neck. He sighed, Severus froze. But again he said nothing. Only then Severus noticed that his face was wet where Remus's had touched it. Severus started to worry and straightened up, looking into Remus's gleaming eyes that were bright even in the darkness of the staircase, moist streaks underneath them, forming paths on his cheeks leading to his jaw. Remus looked up at him, his face barely discernible.

"Um …" said Severus stupidly and faltered, lowering his eyes but not loosening his hold on Remus. He should probably say something after all. He was taken aback when Remus's lips brushed against his very tenderly.

"Don't leave," Remus whispered and Severus saw his brow creasing.

"No," said Severus softly, shaking his head. "But … do you … want to talk … about it?" He ran his fingers over the soft skin just below Remus's ear, wanting to refresh his memory of how Remus's skin felt, in case this would be the last time he touched it. He was surprised how much his memory had faded.

Remus smiled slightly. "Not now," he replied. "I'd like to postpone that conversation." Severus nodded when Remus pulled him closer and leant back, hitting his head on the wall with a gasp of pain. He rubbed the back of his head, his eyes screwed up, his fingers digging into Severus's shoulder.

Severus ran his fingers through Remus's hair and Remus cracked his eyes open to squint up at him. "I …" he started and hesitated, apparently searching for words. He laid his hands on Severus's shoulders, and Severus couldn't resist the urge to lean in again. But Remus only allowed their lips to brush for a moment and bent his head so their foreheads touched. Severus felt a scared chill wash over his body when Remus pushed against his arms. "I wonder …" Remus whispered and his voice was mild. Then he gently pushed Severus away so he could free himself from the embrace and turn to ascend the stairs.

Severus looked at him with great disappointment and felt immediately alone and cold. He had got his hopes up. He had been foolish again. Suddenly he felt Remus's hand in his own and looked up to see Remus's eyes still directed at him. Then Remus tugged on his hand and started walking upstairs, Severus following incredulously. Not a word was spoken as they climbed the stairs to the ground floor and then continued up to the first floor and Remus's room. Before opening the door, Remus looked at Severus over his shoulder, then he stepped in and closed the door behind Severus, locking it with his wand.

Severus looked around the room, taking in Remus's scattered clothes and books, a few empty chocolate wrappers on the floor and finally the huge four-poster in the middle of the left hand wall. The curtains looked dusty but the sheets were silken and clean. Severus swallowed. He didn't dare turn round to look at Remus. He waited until the werewolf had walked round him and taken his hand again to tug him towards the bed. Remus sat down but Severus hesitated. He didn't know how far to go. How far Remus wanted to go. He would hate to make a mistake now. Remus noticed. Of course he did.

"Just stay with me," he said quietly and gave Severus's hands another tug. Severus followed this time and when Remus laid down on his back there was nothing more natural than laying down beside him and kissing him. Severus forgot why today had been a horrible day, he forgot that Remus and he had been separate for more than a year, his mind was focused on this feeling of content as he lay there with Remus, holding him like he had always done, face buried in his soft hair. Finally warm again.

* * *

He wanted to pretend he was still asleep. At first he thought it had been a dream and he was hugging his blanket again, but his blanket didn't have hair that smelled like licorice, did it? It didn't have hair at all. And it didn't move. So that must indeed be Remus in his arms. And he was stirring. Severus was sure he was awake. But he didn't move away or turn around or anything really, he just stretched and settled down again. But if Severus showed that he was awake, what would happen? He would have to get up and they would have a disastrous talk that would be hovering like a guillotine between them. One wrong word and the rope would be cut and the blade would crash down. No, thank you very much.

Remus was running his hand up and down Severus's arm in a slow rhythm his head resting against Severus's. Severus sighed against Remus's neck and opened his eyes. His long black robes that he hadn't bothered shedding, were draped over Remus's legs like a blanket. Severus liked the sight of it. He liked to wake up beside Remus. It calmed him.

"Good morning, Severus," said Remus hoarsely and Severus raised his head to look at him. Remus smiled slightly, though he seemed tired and worried. Severus said nothing. He didn't know what he could say. "I'm glad," said Remus after a few minutes had passed in silence. He turned his head to face Severus and his shirt slipped to reveal his chest. Severus lifted his hand to touch an unknown scar and frowned. Remus cupped his hand with his own. "I'm glad you are here."

Severus brushed his nose against Remus's cheek and felt glad too. Glad that he wasn't thrown out of bed and glad that he wasn't questioned immediately. He propped himself up on one elbow and looked down into Remus's delicate face, smoothing back his greying hair and he knew that here in this moment and in any moment he shared with Remus, he didn't need to act or pretend. He could be honest and sincere and … just himself. Remus had, after all, never minded who he was. Or rather he had loved him for who he was. Severus kissed him gently and Remus put his arms around his shoulders. It was still quite unreal. Just yesterday Severus had thought that he would never so much as speak to Remus again.

"It's still early," said Remus when Severus pulled back. "We could stay in bed a little longer … I mean, only if you want to." He seemed unsure of Severus's intentions, and Severus couldn't blame him. He had been highly contradictory in his actions. But to Severus, the fact that Remus wanted to spend more time with him was reason enough to nod, making the werewolf smile more widely. "All right, but I'm a bit uncomfortable like this. I've been lying on my back all night and now it feels as if it had been ripped out and put back very unprofessionally. Old bones, you see," he said with amusement and gave Severus a wink that made him so happy he couldn't believe the emotion was his. Happy, ah, yes, so this was what it felt like again. He remembered now. Remus shifted and curled up on his side, back to Severus, pulling his arm round him. Severus tightened his arm round Remus's waist and pulled him closer, putting his face into the nape of Remus's neck, closing his eyes. He wondered if Remus had forgotten that he wanted to talk to Severus about everything that had happened, or rather that hadn't happened. And then he thought that Remus wanted to enjoy the moment before entering into an argument that couldn't be pleasant. Just like Severus. Maybe he was just tired from his work for the Order. Surely the talk would come. Severus hoped he wouldn't mess it up.

Work for the Order. Tired. It was dark. The room was turning. It was dirty. Dirty work. Enjoying the moment. Severus screwed up his eyes and his muscles tensed painfully. I'm just enjoying the moment. No air. Can't breathe.

"I can't breathe."

Severus started and his eyes flew open.

"You're squashing me."

When he remembered where he was and who he was with, he loosened his hold on Remus and made to withdraw before changing his mind. No, he wouldn't let go. He couldn't. This was all that kept him sane right now. Remus had chuckled softly but as Severus kissed his neck and cheek and temple, pressing him to his chest, he turned his head slightly, surprise in his eyes.

"I don't know you like that at all …" he whispered and put a hand to the back of Severus's head. He didn't ask what was wrong but Severus heard the question in his voice nonetheless.

"I missed …" said Severus but his voice died away when he noticed that that was not what he wanted to say. Remus knew that he had been missed, and if not he could be told at any time, but what was on Severus's tongue now could only be uttered in this moment, otherwise he would lose the will to say it and it would sink into his every ounce, contaminating him just like Remus had predicted. So Severus laid his cheek to Remus's and started anew.

"The … feeling … when you … when someone is at … your mercy …" he stammered and only now he realised how difficult it was to find the right words, the right way to say it without feeling ashamed or making the impression of being evil. But Remus would understand, wouldn't he? He said no matter what … Remus had fallen completely silent. He made to turn around but Severus tightened his arms around him and he understood the message. "You have a kind of … sickening power … you know they must die and … they know it too. And you wonder … why it's not you … begging for your life … and what right you have to … how you justify it … if anything can justify the loss of an innocent life. The decision to cast the spell is the hardest part. And you think it cannot become worse than this feeling of cold sweat and nausea and dizziness … but when … you … you've killed …"

Severus stopped there and took a deep breath. Remus said nothing. Didn't move. Severus was glad he wasn't interrupted or urged on. But he wasn't sure if Remus didn't actually want to move away from him. Severus would move away from himself if he could. He tightened his arms around Remus's stomach tentatively before continuing, Remus didn't move.

"They say … murder … rips apart your soul … I … I think that describes the feeling rather well. They laughed. They liked to watch. It was hard to … act as if I … enjoyed it. To me it is … pure horror."

Severus could not go on. It had cost him all his energy to get that far and now he felt unable to say anything at all. And too afraid to ask Remus to say something. But he didn't need to, Remus touched his arm and seemed to be thinking about what to reply. Severus waited silently. Waited for Remus to wriggle out of his arms. But Remus didn't free himself from Severus's filthy presence. He showed no sign of disgust or anger.

"Severus," said Remus quietly, he paused and turned his head, turned around without breaking Severus's embrace. Severus couldn't avoid his eyes and when he met them he saw the same expression he had already seen several times before, a forgiving light. It seemed Remus knew that all words were obsolete. That none would help. That Severus didn't want to hear any soothing words. Except … "I love you."

Remus ran his gentle fingers over Severus's cheek, causing him to close his eyes. If he had ever before said he was grateful then it was nothing to what he was feeling now. Relief was washing pleasantly over him and he felt a weight fall away from him. It was like gravity returning to normal. He felt Remus's lips close to his and closed the gap to kiss him, deciding against telling Remus that he had better not love him at all.

It was as if a part of himself had returned to him after a long absence. And Severus knew it was so. He had made Remus a part of himself. Their reunion had been inevitable, really. Indulging in their kiss he even forgot that it could not stay this harmonic between them, that there still was a conversation to come. This was how it was supposed to be. It didn't matter what would become of it. Not now.

"You are the only one I can talk to about this."

Remus pulled Severus on top of him and put his arms round his shoulders. Severus thought they had been lying like this for hours when there was a knock on the door that Remus ignored, not even breaking their kiss. He didn't seem interested at all in who was knocking and for what reason. Severus didn't pay any attention to the knocking at first, but when it was repeated twice and the visitor tried to open the door, he raised his head.

"Remus?" called Black's voice from outside, enraging Severus immensely. "Come on, I know you are in there, I need to talk to you!"

Remus sighed in exasperation and let his head fall back onto his pillow. Severus glared at the door and wished he could make Black drop dead. "Maybe he'll go away if we are quiet enough," whispered Remus hopefully, putting a finger to his lips before letting Severus seal them with his own again. But of course, Black was determined to destroy Severus's good mood every time he had a chance to do so, even if he wasn't even aware of Severus's presence.

The knocking resumed and the door rattled from Black's attempts to open it. "Remus, come _on_! I want to talk! Please!" he called and rattled more forcefully still. Remus made to sit up with an annoyed look on his face that pleased Severus very much indeed.

"Before he breaks down the door and dies of a heart attack –" said Remus quietly before Severus interrupted him.

"Or at my wand …"

Remus chuckled. "I'm sorry," he said to Severus with an apologetic tone and then raised his voice, "Sirius, are you planning to break down my door?"

Silence. Then a petulant kick against the door. "I knew you were in there," snapped Black. "Are you coming or what? You're supposed to be my friend, aren't you? I want to talk to you about something."

Remus sighed again and rolled his eyes with a smile at Severus. "Alright, I'm on my way, just give me a second and wait for me downstairs …"

A grunt, then shuffling steps slowly dying away. Remus laid back down beside Severus, taking his hand and putting their foreheads together. "He has a few problems, you see? And I'm the only one he has."

"So that is why you moved in with him?" asked Severus too casually. The werewolf gave him an understanding smile and squeezed his hand.

"I wanted to be there for him … that's what you do for people you love," he explained with the air of someone telling a first-year that _Lumos_ made one's wand tip glow.

Severus wrinkled his nose and looked at the canopy. "So you love him?" he asked, giving up all pretence. Remus sighed with that same smile and sat up again, swinging his legs out of bed.

"There are many different kinds of love, Severus," he said quietly, unbuttoning his shirt. Severus sat up too and shuffled close to him to nuzzle his neck where he knew Remus liked it best. The werewolf stopped for a moment, closing his eyes and cocking his head to one side before he seemed to realise that he had somewhere to be. He let his shirt slide off his shoulders and got up to take a fresh one out of his wardrobe. He didn't seem to mind Severus's presence as he undressed which gave Severus another warm dose of familiarity. He watched Remus as he put on his clothes, hiding the rosy scars that had been added to those Severus had already known. When Remus was done changing and turned round to face him again, Severus lowered his eyes, feeling at fault for Remus's injuries.

"What is it, Severus?" asked Remus as he walked over to him. "Are you feeling fine?"

Severus looked up at him, into his concerned face, considering his greying hair that now fell into his amber eyes, hiding the lines of worry and sorrow that were carved into his soft skin. He could see the year that had passed between then and now, but he couldn't feel it anymore. Everything seemed like a bad dream now, irrelevant and far away. And just not real.

Severus pulled Remus closer and put his arms round his hips, resting his head against his stomach. Remus's hands touched his shoulders. "Great," he said softly. "I feel great."

Not even Black's scandalised "What's _he_ doing here? When did he arrive?" could really annoy him when he accompanied Remus downstairs only to spend as much time with him as possible. He accepted the piece of toast Remus offered him, just to anger Black some more, leaving it to the werewolf to make up some excuse for why he was even here. When he had drunk a cup of tea and Black was fuming, he announced his departure and Remus followed him upstairs to lock the door behind him. On the upper floors the other inhabitants of number twelve were stirring.

"So, look after yourself, Severus," said Remus quietly as they were standing in front of the door. Severus nodded and looked round to make sure they were alone.

"I will visit you again," he said, "maybe I'll stay longer after the next meeting. I … thank you for …" He stopped as Remus shook his head with a slight smile.

"No, it's fine," he replied and touched Severus's arm affectionately. "Let's talk next time. Have a good journey home."

Severus nodded and bent down to meet Remus's lips just before the children appeared at the top of the stairs, stopping in their tracks as they noticed them standing there. "Good-bye," said Severus quietly and slipped out of the house with a feeling of inappropriate exhilaration.


	11. More To Say

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: MadamFist: About Severus entering Grimmauld Place without help ... well, either someone who was leaving let him in, or he entered like he entered when he took Lily's photo in-between HBP and DH ^^. I suppose he could enter on his own in one way or the other ... And, oh yes, I am including Lily and Tonks, and I will try to make it seem realistic ^^". Can't possibly leave them out ...

Emily-pino: yeah, when I reread the scene and felt fuzzy I posted it, because I thought it was alright, good to know you felt the same way ;).**  
**

JokerLoves: Oh. My. God! Thank you for your awesome compliments :D I'm over the moon that you joined me/us here and that I could make you love this story :).

everyone: thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Supports me, makes me happy, what more do I need?

**More To Say**

As Severus had expected, Potter was cleared of all charges on the day of his hearing as Albus told him during his visit at Spinner's End. Severus just nodded his acknowledgement, not sure whether to feel relieved or annoyed. Potter was, as always, a special case. Even though Severus had to admit that this time the decision not to expel him had been the right one. Just this once.

Albus inquired after Lucius and Severus's talk and was satisfied to hear that Lucius had accepted Severus's advice gladly. Severus didn't mention anything about the night he had emptied the contents of his stomach into the neighbouring alleyway rather violently. It didn't seem necessary and he didn't feel as devastated about it as he had two days ago. Talking about it to Albus would have been unhelpful. Remus had endured a rather vague version of it already, and more, Severus couldn't offer. It was more than enough. He liked to remember the feeling of Remus's back against his chest. It always helped to distract himself from more unpleasant things.

"You seem …" said Albus slowly when Severus shrugged at his question about how the last Death Eater meeting had gone, "somehow less – ah – tense. May I ask what has happened?"

Severus raised an eyebrow at him and folded his hands. "No," said he softly. Albus looked surprised for a moment, then he chuckled and got up from the sofa.

"Well, as long as it is nothing to worry about," he said as he turned to leave. "I will see you at the next meeting then."

"Yes," said Severus feeling none too confident about it. He knew he had told Remus he would stay after the meeting. But now he thought he would rather miss the meeting. He wouldn't be able to say even one word to Remus. He heaved a sigh. He wanted to go back to the night in Remus's bedroom. That had been easier than expected.

It was Remus who opened the front door of number twelve, Grimmauld Place when Severus arrived a little late and rang the bell just to annoy Black. The shrieking of Mrs Black rang out into the street when the door swung open and Remus beckoned him inside, his hands on his ears. Severus helped him draw Mrs Black's curtains closed before they were even able to exchange a word of greeting.

"You did that on purpose, didn't you?" asked Remus in a would be scolding voice.

"I just wanted to make sure someone heard me," said Severus innocently, following him downstairs.

"As if you couldn't enter without help," replied Remus. "You didn't miss much, Albus has just arrived himself." He looked back over his shoulder and smiled. "I am sure you have already heard about Harry's hearing?"

Severus jerked his head and bumped into Remus who had stopped in his tracks and they both stumbled against the wall. Remus chuckled. "I'm sorry. I wanted to ask you if you want to stay after the meeting."

Severus hesitated. And decided that he couldn't risk being a coward. "I said I would," he replied and Remus nodded in satisfaction. He continued downstairs, tugging on Severus's hand before letting go of it again.

Severus didn't register much that was said during the meeting. His attention was focused on Remus who was sitting opposite him, Black and Tonks on either side of him. Severus drummed his fingers on the table, impatient and apprehensive as to what was to come. He jumped as he felt Remus's leg against his under the table and hurried to cover it up by leaning forward. Remus turned his chuckle into a cough rather skillfully as he rested his leg against Severus's. Severus had a sudden and inexplicable feeling of having missed his mischievousness.

After the meeting had ended, Severus stayed in his chair until most Order members had cleared out, watching Remus say good-bye to Tonks. Black was staring at Dumbledore with extremely obvious anger. Severus wondered what had happened until Remus nodded at him and left the kitchen, causing Severus to follow him. They crept upstairs to the first floor behind everyone who was leaving through the front door, trying not to attract any attention. Remus opened the door to his room and let Severus pass him before entering it.

Severus noticed that the room had been tidied up since his last visit. He smirked to himself. Remus sat down on the bed and looked up at Severus, suddenly very serious. Severus swallowed and looked at the floor.

"So," said Remus slowly, "please explain yourself. Just tell me why."

Severus opened his mouth and closed it again. He crossed his arms. He felt silly now that Remus had asked the question. Everything he could answer sounded trivial in his head, would be meaningless because Remus was not like him. He wouldn't have acted like him.

Remus sighed and stood up. "Listen, I think we have to talk about this. If we don't sort it out it will always be hovering between us, won't it?" he said, putting his hands into his pockets.

"I … well, yes, I think …" muttered Severus. He took a deep breath and rubbed his neck. "I felt … ashamed."

"Why?" asked Remus and Severus glared at him. "No, I really don't know. Why don't you tell me?"

Severus turned away from him and walked to the window. "I didn't dare face you. I … don't deserve … and when we met here, I thought you had moved on and forgotten me."

Remus raised his eyebrows. "Did I make that impression?" he asked.

"Yes," snapped Severus. "You – you treated me like a stranger. No, you treated me like you would treat anyone."

"Well, I thought you would appreciate that," replied Remus calmly. "I thought, after you hadn't tried to reestablish our relationship, that you would be uncomfortable with unwanted intimacy." Remus paused and considered Severus's sour face. "Obviously I was mistaken?"

Severus thought about it for a moment and found it a rather logical explanation. But their relationship was not logical. "Yes," he growled. Remus smiled. He always smiled beautifully. He was always understanding. "You didn't tell me what you were feeling, either," said Severus reproachfully. "You said we could be friends …"

Remus frowned and leant against the four-poster. For a moment Severus thought he had made him angry. But when he spoke his voice was level and his eyes placid. "It wasn't on me."

Of course Severus knew what he meant. It had been Severus who could have done something about the silence between them, after all it had been him who had ended their relationship. And yet he was still feeling slightly petulant about the fact that Remus had not given him the slightest sign of his true feelings. Had not … repeated his efforts to make Severus take him back. Suddenly he felt very arrogant.

"You see, Severus," continued Remus when Severus said nothing, "why repeat something that I'd already failed at? It was always me, in the past, who tried to fix everything. But it should be the both of us, otherwise it cannot work. And when I didn't hear from you I thought that you had decided against it. I wanted to avoid more pain and gave up on my hopes." He stopped and chuckled running a hand through his hair. "Sounds rational, doesn't it? But that doesn't mean that I just forgot about us or that I moved on … I just couldn't imagine that you would want me to … I thought if you still had feelings for me you would tell me. You didn't."

Severus felt more ashamed of himself than ever before. He looked at his shoes, scowling more at himself than at Remus. He felt like a moron.

"I don't want you to feel ashamed," added Remus after a moment, "of what happened in the Shrieking Shack, and not of not daring to come to me. I'd just like you to understand why I didn't want to take the first step. So you aren't angry with me."

"I'm not," mumbled Severus. _I'm grateful_.

Remus smiled again and came closer to take Severus's hand. "You are here now," he said. "That is all that matters …"

Severus couldn't help but laugh mirthlessly. That wasn't right. It just wasn't right. "Really?" he asked sarcastically. "Is that what you think? How come you forgive everything? How come you see only the positive things?"

Remus's smile didn't falter. "Someone once said about me that I like to be liked and therefore I cut my friends an awful lot of slack. I think that is not untrue," he said and chuckled. "And obviously I love to be loved, so … I don't want to waste my time punishing you … if you want to be punished you will have to find someone else to do it."

Severus stared at him and didn't argue. Instead he enjoyed the way Remus kissed him. "So that is all?" he asked when Remus pulled back. "Or is there anything else?"

Remus raised his eyebrows. "If you don't have anything more to say then that's that," he replied. "I believe there is nothing more that would help us."

He leant in again but Severus turned his head. "And we … we can just go back to how it was?"

"We can try," said Remus quietly. "Would you like to stay a little longer? You could get more comfortable." He smiled when he pulled on Severus's cloak. Severus slipped out of it and hung it over an armchair that stood in front of the fireplace. Then he sank down on the bed beside Remus who rested his head on his shoulder.

"I don't want to try," said Severus softly. "I want it to be the same as it was."

"It will take some time, I think, to achieve that," replied Remus. "But you know, maybe it will be better than before, when we've got accustomed to the new situation."

His arm was prickling again. He twisted his wrist, making rolling movements with his left hand to make it go away but it stayed. He feared being called in Remus's presence. He didn't like the idea of leaving behind a worrying Remus and he didn't want the werewolf to be aware of a Death Eater meeting taking place. It made him uncomfortable to think of actually confronting Remus with the fact that he was still a Death Eater. Another reason why he had not wanted to see Remus all year. A reason that he couldn't tell him because it would be the one Remus would least understand, but the one that Severus found gravest.

You don't stop being a Death Eater, was what many people said. As for the Dark Mark, it was permanent, there was no erasing it, no magic that would make it disappear. The Dark Lord's death was the only possibility. And until then it would remain an ugly reminder of Severus's mistakes and shortcomings. He hated it. You don't stop being a Death Eater. No matter if you have changed or not. The only way to get out of it is getting out of life itself. It was frustrating.

Suddenly Severus felt Remus's hand on his wrist. "Are you in pain?" he asked, concern in his voice.

"No," said Severus, tensing, "it is uncomfortable."

"A call?"

"I don't think he wants to see us, it feels as if he wants to let us know how displeased he is …"

Severus rubbed the Dark Mark but with no effect. He hoped it would not feel like this for days like last time. He could never have a clear thought when his arm was prickling. "It is nothing," he added when he noticed Remus's worried look, and tried to hold his arm still. He thought of Spinner's End and felt a chill run down his back. Being alone again seemed impossible now. He had forgotten how addictive Remus was.

"Would you like to stay tonight?" asked Remus, as if he had seen into his mind. "I'm tired and if you want to stay we could go to bed."

Severus glanced at him and closed his hand round his left forearm. It was tempting of course. "I could be called at any time," he said with difficulty. "I cannot promise you that I will stay."

Remus nodded understandingly. "I don't mind. You can come back, anyway."

Remus was still wearing his old Muggle shirt and patched pyjama bottoms to bed. Severus eyed them with contempt, making Remus laugh like Severus knew he didn't laugh very often. "I never liked your nightshirt, either, you know?"

He gave Severus a spare pyjama and went into his bathroom, leaving Severus to himself. The footsteps outside made Severus start more than once, causing him to lock the door lest Black came in without knocking. It was much different from Hogwarts of course. Severus would have preferred his own surroundings to Grimmauld Place but right now he had to be satisfied with what he got. And that was much easier when Remus reappeared and slipped into bed on the left side as if they slept in the same bed every night, without the slightest hesitation to lay his head on Severus's shoulder. The night in the Shrieking Shack might only have been a nightmare that Severus had just woken from, the ropes binding Remus might never have been conjured.

Severus noticed Remus's hand on the skin of his stomach, tentatively running down his waist to his hips, but he didn't react. The prickling in his arm didn't allow a deepening of physical affection. He couldn't relax, couldn't let go. He laid his arm round Remus's shoulders and closed his eyes. He didn't want the Dark Lord to intrude on this intimacy. He wouldn't allow it. The prickling in his arm increased.

* * *

"… am telling you no!"

"But –"

"I'm not discussing this!"

Severus woke without having dreamed at all and stretched his limbs, feeling refreshed and drowsy. Usually he would have got up immediately, but now it was warm and he wouldn't hurry. His arm was still feeling like a pincushion, his back was killing him and the darkness in the room pressed down on him. And yet he was rather relaxed. He reached out a hand to his left like he always did and found Remus's arm. He looked to his left rather taken aback by that discovery and was met by Remus's eyes, lids drooping tiredly. The werewolf smiled vaguely and rolled his eyes when the voices that had woken Severus grew louder.

"But Mum, we just want a few of them!"

"Are you deaf? I said no!"

Severus gave Remus a questioning look. The werewolf shrugged. "I don't know what they are fighting about now, there's always something or other."

Footsteps in front of the door. "And now be quiet, you'll wake Remus!"

Remus chuckled and waved his hand, making the curtains fly open to let in the sunlight. "Very considerate," said he and stretched his arms over his head. The Weasleys crept downstairs and left silence behind them. Severus closed his eyes again, touching Remus's arm. The werewolf came closer and Severus felt his weight on his torso before their lips touched. "Would you like some breakfast? I could take a tray upstairs …" he whispered, running his fingers over Severus's cheek.

Severus looked at him, brushing Remus's hair out of his eyes. "Tempting," he replied, "but, alas, I cannot stay. I have to visit Diagon Alley to refill my stores."

Remus nodded, hiding his disappointment well, but not well enough. "I won't be here for a few days," said he, "so, just stay a little longer. I will see almost nothing of you once you're back at Hogwarts."

Severus raised an eyebrow at him. "There are Order meetings," he said but Remus shook his head.

"Not nearly enough … and you cannot always stay afterwards. You are Head of House after all."

"You could visit," Severus suggested without thinking it through. Surely Albus wouldn't be against it. Remus could use the Floo Network. "If you want," Severus added when Remus gave him a sad smile.

Remus chuckled. "Of course I want to. I don't think it will be that easy, though. Since Albus hasn't found a new DADA teacher yet, I offered my services, just joking of course," he added with a slightly pained smile. "He said he'd like nothing better than appointing me, but … well … I would like to come to Hogwarts. I always liked your rooms."

"If I can leave for meetings, you may come to see me," said Severus, a little hopefully. "You must be eager to get out of here. I can open my fireplace for you."

"Yes," said Remus slowly, "maybe." He lowered his head to kiss Severus. And he gave him the feeling that he didn't want to let him go. "Your arm, is it feeling better?" he asked against Severus's cheek.

"No," said Severus truthfully, running his hand up Remus's back. "It is fine, I'm used to it … it is a reminder."

"I don't believe you need a reminder," said Remus knowingly, kissing the corner of Severus's mouth. Severus thought that Remus showed his affection rather deliberately. And he found that he quite liked it, even though he couldn't concentrate fully on Remus. His arm was rather distracting. Unnerving.

Remus looked at him with a strange expression, biting his lip, before he kissed Severus again, deepening the kiss further and further. Severus tightened his arms around him at first but when his mind was already turning foggy, Remus touched his left arm, and Severus became immediately aware of the agonising prickling again. He broke the kiss, turning his head away, lifting his arm off Remus's back. Remus rolled off him and sat up, looking down at him with that concerned face he wore very often lately.

"What's wrong?" he whispered and Severus knew he was afraid of the answer. Did I do something wrong? Did you get a call? Remus didn't ask but Severus knew that that was what he was thinking. Though Severus had originally wanted to use the latter as an excuse, he couldn't bring himself to do so. The truth was, perhaps, the better version.

"I … it is my arm. I can't stop thinking about it," he muttered, sitting up against the headboard. "The prickling is distracting, I'd rather not …" he trailed off, not really knowing what exactly he'd rather not do. Remus nodded, his face stern, and took Severus's hand into his own.

"That's alright," he said and smiled again. "I just wanted to feel you."

Severus averted his eyes. He wanted to feel Remus too. He didn't say so for he felt embarrassed that he imagined, in that very moment, what Remus's body had felt like under his own.

"You are so quiet again," said Remus and Severus snapped out of his daydream. "Please, say something. After all this time I want to hear your voice as much as possible."

Severus smiled at him. A real smile that warmed him inside. He rubbed his thumb over the back of Remus's hand. "And what shall I say?" he asked because he could only think of negative things to say.

"Well, you could, for instance, tell me the many different uses of poisonous toadstools in potions and I would still like it," smiled Remus and there was this familiarity between them that Severus had missed so much. He laid his arm round Remus's waist and the werewolf leant back to sit close to him.

"I could tell you the most exciting things about the uses of toadstools. You wouldn't believe it," said Severus seriously and truthfully and it made Remus laugh. A hearty laugh that made him look so much younger. Severus cleared his throat and looked at the fireplace. "But I think it would be more interesting for you if I told you that I want to brew the Wolfsbane for you again."

Remus stopped laughing rather abruptly and turned his head to look at Severus. "You don't have to do that," he said quietly, rubbing his neck. "I don't want to trouble you with such unimportant things."

"I said I want to. And it isn't unimportant. Maybe I won't manage every month but I will try." Severus swung his legs out of bed and tried hard to ignore Remus's hand on his wrist, wanting to hold him back. "I have to go now," he continued, changing back into his robes. Remus came up close behind him when he picked up his shirt from the floor, and ran his hands over Severus's bare back. Goosebumps spread over his skin and he couldn't resist leaning back against Remus's chest for a few moments as the werewolf embraced him. "I really have to go," he muttered, rubbing his left arm again.

He looked down at the Dark Mark, more vivid than usual against his white skin, and hid it with his hand when he noticed that Remus was looking over his shoulder. He put on his shirt and got up, looking at Remus who was watching him with a frown. "I will call again before I set off to Hogwarts. If not earlier," said Severus when he picked up his cloak. "Don't look at me like that!"

Remus smiled and walked over to him when he unlocked the door. "Well, I will miss you," he said and kissed him in a way that Severus was sure was supposed to make him stay. "Please, come back whenever you feel like it, don't hesitate, even in the dead of night."

Severus snorted and opened the door, peering outside. "I will," he assured, knowing that he would not be able to resist that offer, and left Remus behind in his room.

* * *

"This is absolutely unacceptable," said Severus when he considered the ingredients that lay before him on the counter. "I need the highest quality for the potion I want to brew. This is merely mediocre."

"But, Professor, this is the best I have," cried the owner of Diagon Alley's Apothecary exasperatedly. He knew Severus well, he always feared his visits. But Severus wouldn't have his petty excuses. The ingredients he didn't get from Sprout, he had to buy, and since the Wolfsbane Potion was his private amusement he couldn't ask Albus for the ingredients. As long as he paid horrendous sums for them he wouldn't take anything but the very best. And he knew for a fact that the shop owner always had something better in his stores.

"The Wolfsbane Potion is a highly sensitive brew, as I assume you know, and I will not risk any problems with it only because you want to keep the best to sell it for a higher price later," growled Severus. "If you cannot offer anything better than this, I will have to look elsewhere."

He turned to leave but had barely taken two steps when the shop owner held him back. "Professor, now please wait. You are a very good customer, if you just wait a second, I will bring you what will surely please you."

Severus left the shop in satisfaction, a bag full of ingredients, and a bonus for the long wait. He would give that one to Remus, he decided, for it was something sweet, a new product. It looked like a little turnip and tasted of whatever sweet the eater liked best. All without sugar.

There were no further calls or Order meetings during the next week, which gave Severus time to brew in his lab at Spinner's End to refill the potion stores that he had emptied over the last year. A short visit from Albus settled the obligatory question if Severus could finally become DADA teacher, though he had lost his hopes many years before. Albus expressed a strong desire to just put Remus back in place but, to Severus's great shame, that was of course out of the question. He wanted to keep looking, but Severus, he was afraid, would remain Potions master. Great surprise.

The last week of the summer holidays started rather uneventfully. He hadn't visited number twelve, Grimmauld Place for over a week now and though he wanted to see Remus, the circumstances were difficult. The house was always crowded, Black was always distracting the werewolf in one way or another, and Severus would have to creep about the place, hoping that Moody's magical didn't happen to find him through the ceiling. Without a reason to call at number twelve Severus could not visit.

Yet he was surprised when he opened his front door after a knock and found Remus standing before it, looking disheveled and exhausted. After a few moments of surprised staring, Severus asked him in, feeling slightly self-conscious of his house. Remus didn't look around, he just collapsed on the sofa, letting his head fall back onto the back rest.

"What are you doing here?" asked Severus, sitting down on the coffee table. "Shouldn't you be sleeping in your state?"

Remus chuckled huskily and looked at him. "I wanted to see you. I asked Albus for your address and here I am. I know I look as if I had been in a fight but actually I'm just not a very good Apparator. I prefer other ways of traveling," he paused and chuckled weakly before going on, "I crashed into a wall in that alleyway a bit further down the street. Didn't come out quite where I had planned. I always stumble a bit when I materialise, you see?"

He showed Severus a bruised hand with which he had probably softened his fall against the brick wall. Severus shook his head at him and was reminded of their Apparition test in sixth year, that Remus had only just passed. Back then he had laughed at the werewolf who had not missed his actual destination but had landed so violently that he had lost balance and stumbled, landing right in McGonagall's arms, sending them both falling to the ground. It was still vivid in Severus's mind, how Remus had helped her up, apologising in an embarrassed mumbling and blushing until his face had become Gryffindor scarlet.

Severus only noticed that he was smirking when he saw Remus's raised eyebrow and scolding smile. "Yes, I remember the Apparition test too. Not my favourite memory. It is disgraceful that I wasn't able to improve," he said. "But as a werewolf, there is always this feeling as if someone were holding you back when you want to Disapparate, and someone pushing you forward when you Apparate. The wolf has its own mind."

Severus averted his eyes, looking instead at the open door of his lab. Fumes were wafting out of it and he remembered that there was a potion waiting for him. "I'll be back in a minute," he said to Remus who nodded and waved at him when he got up. He added the last ingredients to the potion and stirred for half a minute before putting out the fire to let the cauldron cool down. When he reentered the sitting room he found Remus holding the book that had twice before attracted attention. But Remus was the only one who was allowed to hold and read it without making Severus angry, for it was him who had given it to him for his birthday a year and a half ago.

"I hope I didn't ruin your potion," said Remus without looking up. "I distracted you."

"No, it is perfect," replied Severus, leaning against the shelf and crossing his arms. Remus nodded with a smile and turned a page. Severus could make out the illustration of a werewolf and cleared his throat when Remus's eyes turned glassy.

Remus looked up at him and closed the book, putting it carefully back where it belonged. "If … if you don't want me here, I can leave," he said when he turned to face Severus.

"No," replied Severus. "I was just … surprised. I wasn't expecting you." He straightened up and crossed the small distance between them to let Remus embrace him and lay his head on his shoulder. Remus dug his fingers into the back of Severus's robes and clung to him as if he couldn't stand on his own feet anymore.

"I needed to see you," mumbled Remus into Severus's shoulder, his voice muffled by the fabric. "Sirius has locked himself in, upstairs, and I was alone with Kingsley in the kitchen. That was fine but when he had to leave a few Order members dropped in and … I just don't like being treated like a … well …"

Severus laid his hand into the nape of Remus's neck. Though somehow he didn't like the part about Shacklebolt, he was glad Remus had come because he didn't feel like a mere beast in Severus's presence. "I know what you mean," said he. "Though they seem to have more respect for a Death Eater than for a werewolf."

"_Former_ Death Eater," said Remus seriously. "But yes, apart from Sirius you are the only one who gives me the feeling that I am normal."

"Why, I thought Tonks was rather – ah – fond of you …" said Severus with a scowl. "A blind man would see that."

"Oh," said Remus as though he was thinking about a tricky question a student had asked, "well, Nymphadora is, of course, very nice to me but then again, she is very young and maybe a bit naïve. You and Sirius on the other hand, know how dangerous a werewolf is and –"

"You want to say that you hate being treated like a monster, but you understand why they treat you like that? That is very contradictory, Professor Lupin," interrupted Severus. "And don't mention Black and me in the same sentence, I don't want to be closer to him than absolutely necessary."

Remus laughed into his shoulder. "I'm very sorry. But what I meant to say was, I appreciate that you, even though I would almost have eaten you once, want to be with me and treat me like a man and not like a werewolf. Nymphadora doesn't care that I'm a werewolf, but she doesn't know the full range … nevertheless it is nice to be with her. She was the first person I met who shook my hand cordially and looked me in the eyes even though she knew what I was."

Severus huffed. He knew he hadn't been that tolerant but he didn't want to be reminded of it. "She likes you …" said he with contempt and Remus looked up at him with an amused grin.

"Excuse me?"

"She likes you a little more than just as a friend," growled Severus, considering the scar on Remus's jaw.

"I doubt it," chuckled Remus and laid his head back on Severus's shoulder. "I'm much too old for her, she must think I'm dusty and boring. I think she only laughs at my jokes out of politeness. Merlin, even Sirius says I'm old …" He chuckled again and Severus was satisfied with the fact that Remus had not noticed Tonks's affection. He would not make an effort to convince Remus that the girl actually thought him a potential partner.

"You are not old," he said. "And I liked our conversations much better when Black didn't appear in them."

"Right," said Remus, pressing his lips against Severus's neck, making him shiver. "I will try to avoid mentioning him …" He tightened his arms around Severus. "I'm sorry if I am a bit clingy … it's just, after such a long time, I cannot get enough."

Severus felt his cheeks grow warm and cleared his throat, laying his arms round Remus's shoulders. "It could be worse," said he, not admitting that he had no problem at all with it.

"How?" asked Remus, smiling against Severus's skin.

"You could not want to touch me at all," replied Severus quietly.

"That's not possible," said Remus. Severus smiled into his honey hair when he noticed something in his fireplace. The flames turned green and in an instant he stepped back from Remus who gave him a bewildered look. Lucius's face appeared in the fire, looking around, and Severus pushed Remus back against the door so that he wouldn't be visible from the fireplace.

"Not a word," whispered Severus, putting a finger to his lips when Remus opened his mouth to complain.

"Severus," called Lucius, "are you there?"

Severus gave Remus a warning look when the werewolf raised his eyebrows in surprise. "I am here, Lucius, what's the matter?" He sat down on his armchair and looked at Lucius's head in the fire. Lucius looked indignant and tired.

"The Dark Lord wants me to tell you that he will call you to a private meeting this week, before you return to Hogwarts," he said and his voice was not the usual drawling but tense and sharp.

"Is that all?" asked Severus, glancing at Remus and hoping that Lucius wouldn't want to talk about his plan to Curse Podmore. But of course he did.

"It's about the thirty-first. I have already got a plan, but you need to help me. If I fail, the Dark Lord will be very displeased," Lucius said making a face. "You are sure about what you've told me?"

"Of course I am … if you fail then, I fear, it will be your own fault and not mine," replied Severus, scowling. He resisted the urge to look at Remus again. "I cannot help you more than I already have. If I were to act myself, it would destroy my cover and you know it."

"But if you could just tell the Dark Lord, should I fail, that it wasn't my –"

"No," said Severus firmly, "I couldn't, he would just punish the both of us. But don't worry, I'm sure it will run smoothly."

"Whatever you say, it is just … I've been making him wait and Avery is no help, either. If this fails we will really have to try it with an Unspeakable."

"Well, why don't you just wait and see before worrying about things that might never occur?" said Severus and got up. "I'm afraid I am very busy at the moment, maybe you could call again tomorrow, Lucius?"

Lucius raised his eyebrows but didn't contradict him. "Very well, just one last thing: Dumbledore hasn't told you who the new teacher will be? Draco asked."

"No, he hasn't found anyone yet," said Severus lazily.

"Run out of half-breeds, has he?" sneered Lucius and Severus had to force himself to keep his face impassive and his eyes away from Remus.

"It seems like it," he replied calmly.

"Well, as long as he doesn't let another werewolf loose on my son … unbelievable that he had to endure such scum."

Severus took a deep breath. "I absolutely agree with you, no one was more relieved than I when he left," he said, feeling heat rising up his neck. "Good-bye, Lucius."

"Yes, tomorrow then."

Lucius's head vanished and Severus sighed, his eyes wandering to Remus who was leaning against the door, his face stern and his jaw set. "I'm sorry," said Severus without hesitation. "I had to say that."

Remus shook his head. "That's fine," he said and walked over to Severus. "I guess it would have been dangerous if he had seen me."

"The Dark Lord would not be pleased if he knew that I have close relations with a werewolf. My fellow Death Eaters would mock me, and my standing in the circle would suffer," affirmed Severus and showed Remus to a hidden door behind one of the bookshelves. "I suggest we go upstairs, there is no fireplace there."

"Does Albus know about that plan he was talking about?" asked Remus when he ascended the stairs behind Severus.

"Of course," said Severus and felt uneasy about not telling Remus the whole story. "Everything has been taken care of."

"Good," said Remus, his voice somewhat heavy. When they entered Severus's bedroom, Remus turned to him. "How can you stand him? And the rest of them?"

Severus raised his eyebrows at him. Usually Remus didn't speak ill of anyone. Even though he had enough reason. "I have no other choice … and Lucius is not always insufferable."

Remus crossed his arms and sat down on the bed. Severus sat down beside him and after a while Remus relaxed and leant against him. "You really don't have to brew the Potion for me," he mumbled, fiddling with Severus's sleeve.

"Would you stop that? I said I would do it. I will not exert myself, never fear," said Severus and let Remus pull him close when he let himself fall onto his back. He smoothed back Remus's greying hair and traced the wrinkles round his eyes that were so seldom deepened. Remus kissed him gently and Severus was glad he just overlooked because of what he had said to Lucius.

"This time I need to go," whispered Remus against his lips but Severus didn't let him get up.

"What for? To babysit Black?" muttered Severus who had secretly hoped that Remus would stay overnight. "I am much more pleasant company, don't you think?"

"Oh, Severus," said Remus but failed to sound scolding. "You know I want to be with you, but he's my friend."

"And I am …" Severus's voice trailed off as he bent his head to nuzzle Remus's temple.

"Just a few more minutes, then …" sighed Remus and stayed for another two hours of comfortable idling.


	12. Breaking Out

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: Hello, again :) I've just returned from Scotland and I felt like finishing this chapter after a long week of not writing at all. I am so grateful for all your reviews, and I do think you are spoiling me a bit ;) please continue :D.**  
**

**JokerLoves:** Ah, yes, of course I know what Remus feels, because I'm omniscient ;), but I did find it good that Severus is the only one the reader knows everything about, while Remus, who is the most important person for him, remains an entire mystery, and only knows what Remus says or does :) I'm glad that you agree with me.

**Atenea217:** I wouldn't say that he falls to Tonks, and we still have book 5 and 6 until that occurs :) but yes ... I'm nervous too ;)

**MadamFist:** And another note ;) yeah Sept. 1st I didn't notice at all ^^ you should always take some time to forget about school, I'm glad I could give it to you ;)

**Breaking Out**

The call came at the most inconvenient of moments. Of course the burning pain in his arm was always inconvenient, at any moment, but this time it was especially unnerving. He had come to Grimmauld Place on the night of the thirtieth of August for a last Order meeting before the start of term. Sturgis Podmore wasn't present. Lucius had announced that he wanted to intrude into the Department of Mysteries in the early hours of the thirty-first. Severus looked at the clock in the kitchen of number twelve. It was currently midnight. He knew Albus had taken precautions but he still felt uneasy.

He had been able to get a seat beside Remus tonight. There was no way to prevent Black sitting next to Remus but by arriving early Severus had allowed Remus to choose the chair to his left. A rather disappointed Tonks was casting Remus longing looks across the room. When Remus had given his report about the Dementors, which were already wavering in their loyalty to the Ministry, and the werewolves who hadn't been inclined to give him anything but a good thrashing but were overall on the Dark Lord's side should he request it, the word was passed to Shacklebolt and he gave his report about Scrimgeour and the Auror Office's search for Black.

Remus, who didn't enjoy having too many eyes on him – except those of students – fell back into his chair and rubbed the back of his neck. "You seem nervous," he whispered without looking at Severus, folding his hands on the table. "Is anything wrong?"

Severus shook his head very slightly and regretted that he could not tell Remus, at least not just yet, what he had done. Remus smiled at Tonks who blushed and waved at him. Severus thought he might grow longer arms and strangle her out of mere will power. But of course it was not her Remus ascended the stairs to his bedroom with, after Albus had dismissed them all.

"Be careful, Severus, yesterday I swear there was some mould following me around in the library … I am just waiting for my bed hangings to strangle me while I'm sleeping," said Remus and chuckled when Severus yanked the hangings down and dropped them to the ground. "My hero," he added with a grin when Severus shed his cloak.

Severus combed his fingers through Remus's honey hair, narrowing his eyes at the quantity of grey hairs which had increased unnaturally while they hadn't seen each other. Remus took his hand and pressed it to his cheek, closing his eyes. Severus remembered that he had always liked the idea of being Remus's hero. "I thought I'd tell you that … I agree with you now."

Remus looked at him and raised his eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"When you said … well, I just mean I was a fool. Not to forgive you," said Severus with considerable difficulty that he knew he shouldn't be feeling. "You were right … and I … I was wrong."

Remus's eyes were so wide that Severus thought they'd fall out. He felt immediately awkward. Even Remus was taken aback by this extent of honesty. Not even he had ever been treated like he deserved to be treated by Severus. "What has changed?" asked Remus after a while, a smile on his nicely curved lips that seemed to hover somewhere between worried and amused. "You have been like that ever since that night I found you in the kitchen … so … mild. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining but it makes me worry. Being mild is my job."

Severus rolled his eyes and Remus chuckled. "I just wanted to tell you that … that …" He trailed off for lack of words. He felt silly. Remus was still smiling, now entirely amused and Severus wanted to snap at him. But he couldn't come up with more than an irritable "What?"

"Now that is better," said Remus, taking Severus's hand with affection. "I appreciate your forgiveness. But you need not hold back your spite just because you think I might be offended and leave you. I'm used to it. It is part of you. Don't let anything change you, not Voldemort and certainly not me either."

Severus scowled at him. "Don't mention yourself in such close vicinity to the Dark Lord. I do not want to compare you to him." He pulled Remus against his chest, burying his face in Remus's hair. "I have forgiven you," he whispered then. "Though you would be a fool to care."

"I do care," said Remus and turned his head to kiss him. "I am glad you told me. But I'd feel even better if you didn't treat me like a raw egg. I don't want you to deny what's part of you." He tried to pull back but Severus seized his wrist and held him in place. Remus met his eyes with a questioning gaze. Severus cleared his throat.

"Though it disgusts me to admit it, Black was right, it was my fault that the whole world got to know what you are. Because of me, your perfectly kept secret was revealed and even published in the Daily Prophet. It was vile … that's why you are in such a state."

He tugged on Remus's frayed sleeve and the werewolf slid his arms round Severus's waist. "I've been fine," said he, obviously slightly flabbergasted at Severus's speech. Severus raised an eyebrow at him and Remus let his head fall onto Severus's shoulder. "Alright, I've been worse than before … but still I made it. It was that bloody Umbridge that passed the anti-werewolf legislation, not you. So don't blame yourself. I wouldn't want you to. And … I'm flattered …" he trailed off.

"No, you deserve more than this. More than insults and coldness," muttered Severus, his eyes wandering over Remus's kind face.

"It isn't about what we deserve," replied Remus softly, "it is about what we want, Severus. And I have always wanted you. Ever since I had the choice there was no other who could have compared."

"I wonder what I have done to achieve that," said Severus darkly.

"You've been yourself, in every quirk and flaw. You have shown me who Severus Snape really is. Not the snarky Potions master that scares students out of their minds. But a caring, loyal, responsible friend," said Remus and chuckled when Severus raised an eyebrow, causing him to add, "and lover."

"I have no right to be admired after all that I have done. I have no right to hear those words from you or even breathe the same air as you …"

"And yet, you hate the thought that Sirius could have been more to me than just a friend. You speak about Tonks with contempt because you have a vague idea that she has a crush on me … you say I deserve what? To be happy? Well, if either one could make me happy, could have made me happy if you hadn't claimed me back, then why wouldn't that have pleased you?"

"I don't want you to be happy!" snapped Severus, shocking them both with that confession, but it felt so right and relieving that he just let himself continue. "Tell me which man can honestly watch in satisfaction when the one who was his is happy with another? How indifferent must you be to be glad that the one you desire is happy with someone else, knowing that you couldn't achieve that happiness? No, if you aren't happy with me, then so be it, but never be happy with anyone else either, that is what I want. If not with me, then not with anyone else. I couldn't stand it, couldn't live with it. If I may not give you happiness then bloody well no one will!"

Severus hadn't even noticed that he had raised his voice. Only now, staring into Remus's face, his breathing quick with agitation, did he realise what he had said. He wished he could vanish into the ground. Become dust. His words still seemed to ring through the room as they were standing in deafening silence, staring at each other. Again, Remus's eyes were wide, his lips parted slightly in absolute stupor. This time, Severus was sure, he had dared too much. Had said what was on his mind once too often. Surely, Remus wouldn't tolerate this selfishness on his part. This utter impertinence of demanding the exclusive right of making Remus happy. But he was surprised once more.

"Then I suggest you make more of an effort this time," said Remus quietly after having recovered his speech. "I like to be happy, you know?"

Severus ogled him incredulously and didn't even care that he failed to keep a straight face. He opened his mouth to retort something but closed it again for he couldn't come up with anything at all this time.

"Flabbergasted, are we?" asked Remus pleasantly and when Severus's scowl slowly returned to his flushed face he added, "But of course, I remember, Severus Snape is never any such ridiculous thing as 'flabbergasted', is he?"

"You – I don't – what …" Severus stammered and had to take a deep breath before being able to tie a coherent sentence together. "I don't believe you sometimes."

Remus smiled and shrugged. "I just think that, for the both of us, it is the highest privilege to know that the person we love, loves us with just as much devotion."

Severus went over what he had said very carefully and was sure that he hadn't mentioned any such thing. But then again Remus had never needed those words to be uttered to interpret them into Severus's behaviour. And though Severus should probably have been relieved he only felt worse for not having the courage to say three meaningful words but the impertinence to be cruel and get away with it. Be rewarded for it. Remus's golden eyes watched him closely as he passed a hand over his face in exasperation and then waved it helplessly, casting around for something to say.

"I think I've told you before that I don't take these outbreaks of yours as an insult, on the contrary," said Remus then, very softly, running his hands up Severus's chest to his shoulders. "They feel familiar. I think I missed them. I missed you." He leant in and kissed Severus tenderly, pushing his outer robe off his shoulders. When it fell to the floor and Remus deepened the kiss Severus knew what he wanted. And he wanted it too.

"I love you," breathed Remus when Severus pushed him back against the wall, cupping his face with his hands before pressing their lips together again. Remus's hands undid the buckle of his belt and unbuttoned his shirt while Severus pulled Remus's cravat from his neck. The werewolf pulled his own shirt over his head when Severus let his slide off his arms to the floor to join his robe. Severus ran his hands over Remus's naked torso making the werewolf sigh into their kiss and just when Severus wanted to lower Remus onto the bed, his heartbeat quickened, his breathing shallow and his insides burning with anticipation, the stinging pain that shot into his arm made him whip it up and away from Remus's waist. The Mark on his forearm was a vivid black again, the call it signified was enraging Severus as much as it scared him. Remus who had stumbled backwards and onto the mattress was looking up at him with fearful eyes, his hands reaching out to Severus's arm. Severus flinched away from him and immediately the heat vanished from his body to be replaced by a freezing cold. The pain in his arm subsided slowly and his breathing evened while he started to feel self-conscious under Remus's eyes.

"A call," he muttered and bent down to pick up his shirt. Remus looked so very tempting as he was sitting there, half-naked, flushed and his eyes so full of worried concern that it seemed on the verge of pouring out of them. "I'm sorry," added Severus when he got dressed as quickly as he could. "I cannot ignore it."

Remus nodded slowly, wrapping his arms round himself and seemingly restraining himself from throwing them round Severus. "You … you will come back afterwards, yes?" he said softly and got up, taking a tentative step towards him. Severus looked at the floor when he threw his cloak over his shoulders, then he nodded and met Remus's eyes opening his arms, for he could do with an encouraging hug. Remus stumbled towards him and embraced him tightly, kissing his cheek before stepping back. "Take care," said Remus with a wavering smile and Severus gave another nod, taking a deep breath and clearing his mind and body from all thoughts and emotions, which seemed rather harder than usual, before turning on the spot to Disapparate. It was now two o'clock.

"It took you longer than usual to come here tonight, Severus," said the Dark Lord's voice in the shadows of the dark room.

"Forgive me, my Lord," said Severus, bowing deeply and still slightly out of breath. "I was not home when the call came."

"No matter, Severus, no matter," said the Dark Lord, stepping out of the shadows and gripping the back of a high chair with his white hands, his wand between his fingers.

Only now Severus noticed that kneeling beside him on the ground was another man, his blond hair disheveled, cowering rather than bowing, his pointed face distorted with pain. Severus swallowed and tried hard not to look too relieved. He turned his impassive face back to the Dark Lord and knew better than to speak before being spoken to. The silence stretched. Lucius whimpered.

"Yes, Lucius, indulge in the pain, I think you are aware of the fact that you deserve it," said the Dark Lord in a bored voice, twirling his wand between his fingers. "And do not look at Severus like that, it is not his failing that you were incapable once again to fulfil the task I've set you."

Severus's eyes flickered to Lucius who averted his own quickly. "Please, my Lord, forgive me. If the watchwizard hadn't come –"

"Lucius, don't bore me with your excuses," hissed the Dark Lord, his voice sharp and warning this time, making Lucius flinch and fall immediately silent. "You see, Severus, dear Lucius has been surprised in his task by a Ministry watchwizard who, as it seems, was too much of a challenge for him to get rid of. So, as valuable as your information was, Severus, I'm afraid Lucius wasted it."

Lucius squirmed but Severus made no sound. He knew why he had been called while Lucius was still there. Because even Lucius was being punished severely for failing. It was a warning. And at the same time an acknowledgement.

"Another lucky coincidence on Dumbledore's part," said the Dark Lord with contempt. Unlike Severus he didn't know that Albus would risk losing one of his movement, if it helped his plan. Though, admittedly, Severus was not aware of that particular plan. "All the scheming for nothing, Severus," added the Dark Lord after a pause and Severus knew he was now required to reply.

"I am sorry to hear it, my Lord," he said calmly. "I was of the opinion that the plan was foolproof."

"So was I," agreed the Dark Lord with a malicious glance at Lucius, who would, Severus was sure, not speak to him for a while. "But Lucius proved us wrong. You may leave now, Lucius."

Lucius scrambled to his feet and stayed in a bow, if out of pain or of fear Severus didn't know, until he had closed the door behind him. Severus directed his eyes at the Dark Lord who was looking silently back at him, obviously under the impression that it would make Severus nervous. But as long as he was still blinking, everything was alright.

"You see, Severus, even my most loyal servants start failing me. They have grown weak over time. Those who spent their lives in comfortable freedom have forgotten how to do what I tell them," said the Dark Lord finally, lowering himself on his chair and folding his spidery hands. "But it seems that I can still rely on you, Severus. And believe me, I blame you not for tonight's disaster. On the contrary. I am sure you would have done much better than Lucius. But your position is much too valuable to sacrifice it carelessly." He paused when his snake Nagini slithered out of the shadows to curl around his feet. "I will not call you to every meeting during the school year, Severus, but should I need you, I require your presence as soon as you can provide it. Possessing Dumbledore's trust will prove invaluable to my plans. And if you play your part well, Severus, you will be rewarded for it."

Severus held his gaze and knew that those words were hollow. Other than his fellow Death Eaters he was not too overcome by fear to turn against his master. And he wished he could. He wished he had the possibility to spit into his face and tell him. But he held his temper. Thanked him for his generosity. Albus used to say that the hidden betrayal would damage the Dark Lord much more than an open one would. And it would keep Severus alive for much longer. But it was so frustrating.

"Would you send Avery in before you leave, Severus, I think we will need new ideas to finally acquire my prophecy. It would be a dangerous giveaway if I needed to resort to those loyal servants who have not spent my absence in freedom," drawled the Dark Lord with a dismissing wave of his hand.

"Very well, my Lord," said Severus and backed out of the room, feeling a cold weight sinking down on him.

It was Albus Severus needed to see first. He Apparated to Spinner's End sent a message with his Patronus to meet at Grimmauld Place and waited for an answer, all the while pacing his small sitting room. Albus's Patronus appeared after a few minutes affirming Severus's request and he could not wait any longer but Apparated to the doorstep of number twelve. Albus arrived mere seconds later, a serious look on his face.

"Severus, let's go inside before we talk," he whispered and opened the door effortlessly, letting Severus step in before he entered himself. They made their way down the hall and Severus glanced at the stairs to the first floor, longingly gazing into the darkness the banisters disappeared in. When they had reached the kitchen, Albus shut the door behind them and looked everywhere if the house-elf was in earshot. When he had satisfied himself as to their being alone he turned to Severus.

"Well?" said he curtly.

"Lucius's attempt failed. A watchwizard seems to have surprised him."

"Yes," replied Albus with a wave of his hand, "I know, alas, Sturgis was arrested. But you wanted to see me because of something else, I am sure."

Severus nodded sinisterly. "The Dark Lord is considering to free his imprisoned Death Eaters from Azkaban," he said quietly. "At least that is what I gathered from what he mentioned. He said he would regret it if he had to resort to those who are not enjoying their freedom. I suspect he will need Rookwood eventually, even if he is trying to make it without him, he's the only one who knows enough about the Department of Mysteries."

"Yes," said Albus, his blue eyes alert, "I fear that, should Rookwood return to his master, we will have a much greater problem than now. We must prevent a break-out at Azkaban … but how, now that those fools at the Ministry won't even accept my advice on which biscuit to take to their tea? On top of everything, Remus said the Dementors are already sensing the rise of Dark power. It will be easy to rescue the imprisoned Death Eaters. Let us just hope, that Voldemort won't risk his exposure too soon. Every day we gain is important." Albus turned and opened the door. He looked back at Severus and considered him seriously. "He hasn't mentioned anything about his connection to Harry, has he?" he asked and Severus shook his head. "Good, then, at least for now, we have a head-start. Thank you, Severus, and … sleep a bit. You look exhausted."

With a last thoughtful glance over his shoulder, Albus left the kitchen and a few moments later Severus heard the front door click shut. Severus couldn't feel as if he had a head-start at all. He rubbed his eyes and glanced at the clock. Half past three. As if that sight had triggered it, a yawn forced its way out of his mouth and he thought that the table top did look rather comfortable. But it wouldn't do to be found by the Weasley twins in the morning and in the end wake up with a moustache painted on his face.

He got up and dragged himself upstairs, stopping at the foot of the stairs that led to the first floor. He pondered a while, whether it would be better to go home, where he could lie in his bed anxious and alone but without having to face a concerned Remus, or to keep to his word and join the werewolf in his warm bed. The choice was very easy. He climbed the stairs, every step tiring him more. When he entered Remus's room, it was dark and all that could be seen of its inhabitant was a heap of sheets on the bed, rolled into a ball and rising slightly with each breath the werewolf took. Severus crept closer and shed his robes, sitting down on the edge of the mattress to touch the ball of sheets.

"Remus," he said softly. The ball stirred. "I'm back."

The ball turned into a fully grown man as Remus stretched and turned to look at Severus. His eyes were misty with sleep but the smile on his face was welcoming. "'lo," he croaked and lifted the blanket for Severus to slip under it. They laid down side by side and Remus smiled still. "You called me by my name," he said after a while and Severus noticed that, yes, he had, quite unconsciously. The times when that had seemed too painful seemed long gone.

"What else should I call you? Dunderhead?" said Severus, too tired to force his voice into a snap. "Not that it wouldn't have been just as accurate but I thought you'd be offended and I'm trying to improve my manners."

Remus chuckled and kissed him, shuffling closer and entangling their legs. "Was it alright?" asked Remus when he pulled back. "The meeting, I mean …"

Severus nodded and closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth Remus was transferring to him. "Fine."

"You are going back to Hogwarts tomorrow, aren't you?" muttered Remus with audible disappointment. Severus smirked.

"I will brew the Wolfsbane tomorrow. Tomorrow night I will leave for Hogwarts."

"So," said Remus slowly, "shall I fetch it or will you bring it?"

"Fetch it tomorrow, I'll deliver the remaining doses. The first week of school is always the worst, I will be relieved to get out of there," said Severus and Remus grinned against his neck. "But now sleep, I fear I have no energy left for anything else."

Severus enjoyed the way Remus chuckled against his skin when he drifted off to sleep.


	13. Favours

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: Hello again, I liked to write this chapter. Back to Hogwarts! Thanks again for your reviews, everyone!**  
**

**Favours**

Severus opened the door to Remus earlier than he thought he would. The werewolf stepped inside with a hand on Severus's arm and a warm smile on his lips. Severus followed him into the sitting room and gave him a questioning look.

"I wasn't expecting you so early."

"I thought I could watch you," said Remus, looking around and smiling at the music that was coming from next door.

Severus raised an eyebrow and opened the hidden door to his lab. "Well," he said when he started descending the stairs, "alright, then. But don't disturb me and don't touch anything!"

Remus chuckled. "Good that we're back to normal," he said. "I know the rules."

Severus started cutting the wolfsbane as Remus sat down on top of the table. He made no sound while Severus was preparing the ingredients and he only moved when Severus lit a fire under the cauldron beside him on the table, shuffling away from the heat. Severus pushed him none-too-gently out of the way when he needed to take a ladle out of the drawer Remus's legs were blocking. The werewolf slipped off the table, laughing hoarsely and leaning against it. Severus added the first ingredients to the hot water in the cauldron and stirred twice clockwise, three and a half times counterclockwise and again once clockwise for he had found out that that improved the whole Potion. Then he gave Remus, who was watching him with an absent-minded smile, a sidelong glance.

Even though he looked a little lost in Severus's lab, he looked gracefully lost. Dignified in the way he didn't know where to put his hands or, indeed, himself. Severus smirked and when he had put the ladle down on the table he reached out an arm and pulled Remus against his chest, making the werewolf laugh once more.

"I thought you didn't want to be disturbed," he muttered into Severus's cheek.

"As long as you don't distract me … we don't want to risk any mistakes," replied Severus when he added the first dose of wolfsbane to the simmering potion. It turned a bright yellow colour and Remus watched interestedly as it changed from yellow to sky blue and from sky blue to crimson red while Severus stirred five times clockwise, once more than in the instructions.

"This is really beautiful, especially when you think about the dark green colour it has when I get to drink it," he said. "I'd forgotten that it could be so nice to watch a potion become complete."

"I think you never did watch a potion become complete as you ruined it before it could," said Severus seriously.

"You could be right," chuckled Remus. "May I try it?"

Severus scowled at him. "Don't you _dare_ touch anything. Your mere touch will spoil it!"

Remus raised his eyebrows at him with a smile that was between annoyed and amused. Severus smirked despite himself and tightened his arm round Remus's waist, but when the werewolf leant in to kiss him Severus turned his head away with a hiss of disapproval. "No!" he growled. "I said no distractions. I need full view of the Potion."

Remus grinned and apologised, but Severus was sure that they were both remembering the same day when Remus had come to Severus's private laboratory at Hogwarts and stayed for a rather longer lesson on potion-making. Time for learning by doing, thought Severus. Remus was absolutely taken aback when Severus handed him the second dose of wolfsbane, crumbling it into his palm. "Wait," said Severus, guiding Remus's hand to the cauldron, "not yet."

They both watched as the simmering liquid started to change colour again, paling slightly into a dark rose. Severus waited for the right moment to add the wolfsbane. He inserted the ladle and when the potion turned instantly black he said, "Now," causing Remus to open his fingers and drop the wolfsbane into the Potion where it dissolved, hissing faintly. "Right," whispered Severus quietly when he stirred seven times counterclockwise to change the colour to a light green. "Closer to the colour you know, isn't it?"

Remus made no answer so Severus glanced at him as soon as he could leave the Potion out of his eyes. The werewolf was looking at him with a mysterious smile. Severus was thrilled that there was another smile he didn't yet know.

"What now?" asked Remus and nodded at the cauldron.

"It needs to simmer for half an hour," replied Severus and the words had barely left his lips when they were sealed by Remus's. "I thought I had said no distractions," said Severus when Remus pulled back to breathe.

Remus ignored him and if Severus was honest with himself, he didn't mind. It was still far too thrilling that Remus was even there, in his arms, kissing his lips. Severus wanted to make sure that this time, he would use the time they had. Of course he knew himself better than to trust his own promises. Remus still tasted of his morning tea and cherry jam toast. No chocolate. No Dementors, Severus thought. _Or no money_, said a nagging voice in the back of his head. But surely, Black would give him some money for chocolate … then again, in his pride Remus would never ask for it, and never accept it when offered. Severus reached into his pocket where he carried the little turnip in its box.

Severus swore violently when he had to save the Potion in the last minute from being absolutely ruined. He had been distracted just a little too long and chased Remus out of his laboratory, annoyed by his careless laugh. He spent the rest of the brewing time alone, joining Remus in the sitting room only when he had filled a goblet with the finished Wolfsbane to hand it to Remus who wrinkled his nose in that familiar way that made Severus forget why he had chased him away.

"Thank you," croaked Remus though not very convincingly. He seemed to notice for he gave Severus an apologetic look when he handed him back the goblet. "Really, thanks a lot."

His crooked smile reminded Severus of the treat he still had to give. He pulled it out of his pocket and handed it to Remus who looked at it with interest. "This might help you with the taste," explained Severus, vanishing the goblet. "It is just some silly thing to eat so I thought you would like it."

Remus gave him a look that told Severus he had been seen through again. "Alright," said Remus and put the turnip in his mouth, chewed carefully and even before he seemed to realise it himself, Severus saw the boyish delight in his eyes and knew he liked it. "Hmmmmmmm …" went Remus and his eyes closed in enjoyment. Severus was rewarded with a kiss, that tasted of Honeydukes' honey-nougat, and a tight hug before Remus left hurriedly but regretfully for dinner at Grimmauld Place.

"Have a good journey to Hogwarts, Severus, I'll see you tomorrow," said Remus and waved when he disappeared.

Those were rewards Severus appreciated.

Severus tried not to feel jealous and grumpy when he was packing his things to set off to Hogwarts. He sent his books ahead and sealed the cauldron with Wolfsbane to transport it to his lab in the dungeons without spilling it. When all shelves were empty, his suitcases were packed and he was ready to leave, he slumped down on his sofa, rubbing his eyes and trying not to think of Remus who was for sure currently winking at Tonks and had Black's arm round his shoulders. And perhaps he was even talking to Shacklebolt. Though why that was bothering him Severus just couldn't figure out. Soon he was glowering at the fireplace, his mood at a low again.

Of course he had had no idea that his mood could drop even lower. Being back at Hogwarts was relieving at first. Severus stepped out of his fireplace and it seemed like mere minutes since he had left. He looked at the door to his bedroom and for the first time in over a year he could look at it with a smile.

But Hogwarts didn't stay that comfortable. When Severus entered the staff room at around midday next day, after sleeping longer than he'd meant to, he was caught in a staring match right before him. McGonagall and Sprout were positively glaring down at a very small woman who was looking grimly smug and standing beside Albus. Severus stopped in his tracks and raised an eyebrow at them all. He had almost decided to turn on his heel and avoid the scene when Albus caught sight of him and beckoned him closer.

"Ah, Severus, please meet our new staff member," said he cheerfully. Too cheerfully for the bizarre situation he was in. Severus glowered. "Dolores Umbridge."

It was like someone had announced to Severus that the Dark Lord himself was taking over his Potions post. He stared, controlling his expression with difficulty, down at the toad-like woman whose name was very present in his memory. Remus had mentioned it just the other day in combination with a curse which told Severus everything he had to know about her character. He forced himself to refrain from just ignoring her, giving her a curt nod, which was more a jerk of his head.

"She was dispatched by the Ministry, as I have been unable to find an appropriate candidate," explained Albus but Severus knew what everyone in the room was thinking, that she had been sent to survey them all, especially Dumbledore. Severus could see in McGonagall's face that she wanted to say something but held herself back by thinning her mouth extremely.

"I see," said Severus, looking down at the simpering newcomer and hating her powerfully. Mostly for Remus.

"I have heard many impressive things about your potion-making skills," said Umbridge in a falsely sweet voice.

"You will find that they are understatements," said Severus silkily, and he thought that for the first time McGonagall approved of his self-confident bragging, "most people don't like to give me the credit I deserve."

Umbridge's simpering smile widened, stretching her already broad face. Grotesque, somehow. Perhaps one could use her in a potion. The brew would probably not even notice the difference between her and a real toad. But then again, the corners of Severus's mouth twitched, he only used the _best_ ingredients.

"But I've also heard other things," Umbridge continued and Severus knew what she was implying. "Dear Cornelius told me about the scene in the hospital wing. Surely you will understand why I remain skeptical of you."

Now he was also hating her for himself. Severus would have hexed her if it wouldn't have cost him too much. She wasn't worth it. He just glared and was ready to retort something but Albus spared him the effort.

"I assure you that every member of my staff is respectable and competent. Doubts are unnecessary and out of place."

Severus glared at Umbridge who just simpered on, then he passed the little group and lowered himself in his armchair, folding his hands and considering his colleagues from a safety distance. After McGonagall had shown her disdain by looking Umbridge over from head to toe – which, admittedly, didn't take very long – with an expression of utter coldness on her strict face, she joined Severus at the other side of the room and sat down on a chair at the table.

"The Ministry has passed a Decree," she said quietly to Severus who looked at her out of the corner of his eye, "should the Headmaster be unable to find a new teacher –"

"The Ministry may find one for him," finished Severus and McGonagall nodded gravely. "Albus should have taken me, after all."

"Then they would have sent someone for Potions," replied McGonagall with a wave of her hand. "We will have to accept it. You should have heard what she said to us. That she was supposed to bring order to this school and its teachers."

Severus knew, had McGonagall been in her cat form, the hairs on her back would have bristled while she hissed. He rested his chin on his fist and something occurred to him. "I hope she won't interfere with my duties," he said, dropping his voice. "The Dark Lord will not be understanding if I miss his calls because of some Ministry nuisance, blocking my way." And of course, Remus's Wolfsbane cannot deliver itself, he added silently.

McGonagall seemed taken aback by his open mention of the Dark Lord but after a moment her expression turned stern and she assured him that Albus would do anything to prevent it. "If she thinks she can mess with us, she's barking up the wrong tree!" added she forcefully and Severus smirked in agreement. Pretentious little hag, thought Severus when he considered Umbridge's simpering face.

"She's bad news!" growled Remus, sipping his Potion in the late afternoon. "It is outrageous that someone like her, someone so foul and cruel and discriminating as her should be allowed to teach innocent children Defence Against the Dark Arts. You know what she says about, what people like her call, half-breeds?"

Remus paused to take another sip, as usual – or as had been usual in the past – lengthening Severus's stay by several minutes. Severus shook his head, a slight smirk on his lips as he listened to the werewolf's rants. It was new to him that the werewolf talked in such tongues about someone he didn't know, or about anyone, really. Not even about Lucius had he talked that badly although he had insulted him without knowing he was there. Severus had avoided reading articles about werewolves or people who discriminated werewolves over the last year, and before that he hadn't been interested. The only thing he vividly remembered was the discrediting and highly enraging article about Remus a day after he had left Hogwarts, which he had torn to shreds and burned as soon as he had finished it, trying to deny that it was his fault that it had been printed. Thus, Dolores Umbridge, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister, had never found a way into his mind.

Remus shuddered and raised a finger to show Severus that he was about to say something. "She said – uh, I'd forgotten how disgusting this is – she honestly said that half-breeds as creatures of 'near-human intelligence' – hah! – needed to submit to superior wizards and witches! And that is exactly why werewolves and centaurs and the lot don't want anything to do with wizards, because people like her feed the prejudice on both sides by calling themselves superior. I mean," he stopped to give Severus a look of absolute incredulity before he continued, "'near-human intelligence'? I've met trolls with more sense in them than her!"

Severus snorted and lifted the flask with Wolfsbane to Remus's lips by pushing against its bottom. After warming up the Potion and filling a big enough glass flask with it, he had flooed directly to Remus's room having to be let in before he could finally materialise in the fire and step out of the fireplace. The room was untidy again and neither Remus nor Severus cared much. "Drink it while it is still hot," said Severus firmly as Remus stopped drinking again.

"But I want to talk about this," said Remus a little more loudly than necessary. He scowled at himself and took another sip.

"You will have enough time for that _after you've finished the Potion_," replied Severus crossing his arms.

Remus shook his head. "You will leave when it is empty," he said reproachfully, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Severus sighed, rolling his eyes. "I will grant you a total of ten minutes to continue telling me how horrible she is, as it is very considerate of you to prepare me for what is coming."

Remus laughed and gulped down the Potion with a grimace that distorted his face more with every second. He handed the empty flask back to Severus with a hopeful look. Severus shook his head. "I only had one turnip," he said. "I'm not a wandering sweet-shop."

"Pity," smiled Remus. "You wouldn't make much money, anyway, the children wouldn't dare buy anything from you …"

"Funny," muttered Severus as he put the flask back into his robes. "I would give you five flasks for the rest of the week but it has to be warm and I don't trust you with warming the Potion to the right temperature."

"Charming," chuckled Remus, folding his arms. "But I don't complain. Like this I see you all week."

"I will manage somehow," said Severus nodding. "My timetable allows it. But I won't be able to stay long."

Remus gave him a nod and seemed to remember suddenly that he still had some anger left in his body. "Oh, that woman! If you can even call her that … werewolves have to identify themselves, otherwise they must fear a sentence at Azkaban, can you believe it? Who appoints a werewolf knowingly? It is impossible! And I thought the Werewolf Code of Conduct was discriminating. As if we needed teachers to tell children that those who are different must be inferior. That werewolves must not be trusted. That is a self-fulfilling prophecy! Not everyone can deal with the difficulties of a life the way I lead it. No wonder they hate wizardkind."

Severus leant against the four-poster and nodded silently. "There are many people who believe themselves superior, Remus. You will not change the world of wizards and what they think of werewolves very soon. Even those who know you stay careful, even those who like you are scared of your condition."

Remus gave him a sad smile and shrugged. "It is only natural to be scared of a contagious disease. But people forget that I'm not contagious when I'm in my human form, you know that best, you've been closer to me than very nearly everyone, and that being a werewolf doesn't make you a bad person. I think most werewolves think they have no other choice but to become criminals. Especially when you've lived a normal life and suddenly everyone turns away from you, you lose your job and family and nobody looks you in the eye anymore … But I'm more trustworthy than many normal wizards."

"I agree," said Severus. "You must admit that you are an exception. Most werewolves do not make such an effort to lead a life among wizards."

"Most werewolves do not have the support I had …" replied Remus seriously. "It … is complicated."

Severus took a step towards him and brushed the brown-grey hair out of his eyes. Remus closed his eyes. "Umbridge makes everything worse, it is true," said Severus, determined to undermine the Ministry nuisance as much as he could. "But if it doesn't give you some wickedly Snapish pleasure to rant about her you should stop wasting your breath and energy."

Remus smiled and his arms snaked round Severus's waist. "But it does make me feel better. I never let off any of the steam that builds up inside me. And finally I have something that I can be furious about, someone who really deserves it!" He kissed Severus gently, leaving some Wolfsbane taste on Severus's lips. "She's an evil old hag!" he whispered with a grimly hateful face that Severus had never seen before and that he found rather disturbing. He preferred the mild Remus, kind and gentle.

"That's enough," he said sharply. "I absolutely agree with you, but you _are_ wasting your energy." Remus looked at him with a slightly petulant expression that almost made Severus laugh. "And my time," added Severus after a short pause. "Your ten minutes are over."

"Oh," said Remus and hastily tightened his arms round Severus's waist. "But surely you will grant me another ten?"

"Only if you don't continue boring me with Umbridge," drawled Severus, laying his hand into the nape of Remus's neck. He rubbed his thumb over the soft skin beneath the werewolf's ear and kissed his jaw.

"Can't you stay a little longer than ten minutes?" asked Remus, his lips touching Severus's ear. Severus shivered. Remus chuckled. Another shiver.

"I will be late for the Start of Term Feast," growled Severus into Remus's neck. "Don't try to distract me again."

"But you will come tomorrow, won't you?" said Remus, his fingers seizing the fabric on Severus's back, his chin resting on Severus's shoulder.

"Of course, around lunchtime."

"Come through the kitchen fireplace then. I'm having lunch with Sirius and he's so grumpy lately that I don't want to leave him alone for more than five minutes without telling him some good reason."

Severus stepped back from him, glowering. "I do not believe that I will contribute to his good mood," he snapped, annoyed by Black's talent to ruin every moment they could spend together.

"I'm sorry," said Remus, reaching for his hand but Severus passed him and took some Floo powder out of a jar on top of the fireplace. "Severus."

Severus rolled his eyes and turned to face him. "Fine, the kitchen. But if it ends in homicide, you know whom to blame." Remus smiled, raising an eyebrow.

"Enjoy the feast, Severus," he said and kissed him before he let Severus leave. Bullying Potter during the first Potions lesson of the school year would make up for having to share Remus with Black.

Indeed on the following morning the first class he had were the Slytherin and Gryffindor fifth-years. The OWLs would finally rid him of Potter and Longbottom and he looked forward to it. Furthermore he would make sure that Potter wouldn't get an Outstanding so that he didn't have to accept him into his NEWT course in the improbable case that Potter should desire a continuation of their weekly hating matches.

Severus couldn't find many students who would be able to join him in their sixth year, anyway. He regretted that Granger was one of them. True, her potions were usually good and he had no severe criticism. But apart from the fact that he couldn't stand the girl, she also had no passion in her body for what she was doing. She kept to the instructions and did everything right, but she could not comprehend the beauty of potion-making, the creativity one needed to make it special and not just technically perfect. At least people like Weasley or, indeed, Remus admitted that they had no talent and didn't understand the art of potion-making. Granger believed she was an excellent potion-brewer, without realising that there was more to it than just ingredients and instructions.

At the very end of the lesson Severus humiliated Potter, even though he knew his potion was not the worst in the room, and vanished the contents of his cauldron just to be able to give him zero points. The way Potter glared at him was redeeming somehow, finally someone who hated him openly, without hidden suspicion or pretentious politeness, simply open hatred. It was requited after all. And it was so normal. The smirk on his lips felt nicely familiar too. He was relieved that he had his smirk and spite back. And Remus. Which was the only abnormal thing he could find comforting at the moment.

And he did like the fact that Lucius had seen Black on Platform 9 ¾, transformed into a dog but very definitely Black. Draco told Severus that his father had passed on the information to the Ministry who were now searching the dirty mutt in England again. Served Black right for spending so much time with Severus's werewolf. Somewhere deep inside him Severus wondered when Black would jump out from behind an armchair and laugh at him while he was seemingly alone with Remus, running his hands over his scarred skin. It couldn't really be that Remus had forgiven him, surely he must be scheming with his old friend, how he could hurt Severus best, humiliate him.

But Remus wouldn't do that. Remus was no liar. He wasn't cruel like Severus. Or Black, really.

Speaking of Black … when Severus arrived in the kitchen of number twelve, Black and Remus were sitting over a quiet lunch, Black munching listlessly, his head held up only by his fist, Remus jumping up immediately when Severus stepped out of the fireplace, brushing ash off his robes. Black glared at him but made no comment. Apparently Remus had talked to him.

"Hello, Severus," said Remus in some strange mixture of despair and relief, "thank you for coming. I'm sure you went to a lot of stress." That tone again. Severus didn't like Remus to talk to him in that distanced tone.

Severus produced the flask with Wolfsbane from his pocket and held it out to Remus who took it, brushing Severus's fingers. Remus took out the stopper and sipped. Severus smirked. Remus obviously didn't want to be alone with Black. He wrinkled his nose rather charmingly while Severus watched him, ignoring Black pointedly.

"How did term start?" asked Remus while Black stabbed at his potatoes.

"As usual," replied Severus. "No explosions yet." Severus knew better than to mention Potter. Remus would not be on his side and Black would definitely punch him. He had no desire for such unpleasant experiences.

"Good," said Remus and swallowed some more Potion. "Are you sure that the taste is still the same? Somehow it seems even more disgusting than before." He chuckled when Severus raised an eyebrow at him.

"I changed nothing. You know very well I cannot change the taste," said Severus irritably. He would if he could.

"You know, Moony, you cannot expect more from him. At least he's finally humbled himself to make the Potion for you," snarled Black, getting up from his chair to throw his plate into the sink.

"Why, Black, of course you wouldn't know, but changing the taste of a potion just so it goes down more easily is much too risky and complicated," hissed Severus, turning on Black with fury in his stomach. "Especially when it could mean that the quality suffers from it. I thought you were his friend, then why didn't you buy him the Potion from another Potioneer? You were able to give your good-for-nothing godson an exorbitant broom, so why didn't it occur to you that you could do your friend a favour?"

"Remus never asked –"

"Of course he didn't, you moron," interrupted Severus while Remus was closing his eyes. "How come I know him better than you?"

"You won't talk to me like that in my house!" barked Black, taking a step towards Severus.

"Stop," said Remus calmly and Black looked at him with an expression as if he was on the verge of exploding. Severus turned his eyes on Remus too, appreciating how nice he looked even now, annoyed and exhausted. "Please, if you need to fight then not about me. And not while I'm here, I have a headache."

Black sat back down and crossed his arms tightly, glaring at Severus as violently as he could. Severus took the flask from Remus and tried not to look too worried. "From the Potion?" asked he and Remus looked up at him.

"Oh, no, I've had a headache all day," said Remus and glanced at Black as if he wished they were alone. The mood in the room couldn't have been tenser. "I'm sure you still have a lot to do, Severus," continued Remus resentfully, "I don't want to hold you up."

Severus nodded and when Black huffed and looked away he brushed his hand over Remus's arm, on his way to the fireplace. The next days were similar. Severus had no chance of meeting Remus alone and it was unnerving and frustrating. Black and Severus ignored each other to the extent of pretending they were non-existent to each other. Severus disliked the way he had to stand a foot away from Remus while the werewolf was trying to hide his trembling hands. Two days before the full moon Remus seized the opportunity of Black's short absence in the kitchen to take Severus's hand.

"Tomorrow I will be at my own house," he said quietly, "I feel better, this close to the full moon, when I can breathe fresh air. And being in my own surroundings will calm me a little." He smiled waveringly and let his head fall onto Severus's shoulder. "So, if it is possible, you could come to my home. Though the address is vague, you can use the Floo, I'm connected."

"Yes, good," said Severus, truly relieved. "I will come to your house tomorrow." They heard Black descending the stairs and Severus moved towards the fireplace.

"I know that you know where it is," said Remus softly, startling Severus. "The hairs at the back of my neck stand up when you watch me like that."

Severus blushed violently and turned away to hide it from Remus, who was chuckling when Severus stepped into the green flames.


	14. Looking At You

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: Okay, I have been overwhelmed by many reviews, thanks a lot ...**  
**

MadamFist : I hope your test went well! And I do think Remus is needy (your review to The Teacher) in a certain way. Rowling says so too ;) I didn't know the song but you are so right, it is stunning :) I also think 'Goodbye my Lover' from James Blunt fits as soon as we enter DH ;).

JokerLoves : Yes, I do believe that it gives Remus a kick to feel that he knows Severus better than anyone. And making cold, distanced, controlled Severus blush is a special treat.

AshNox : Oh, you are here as well, great :D thanks for your reviews. I must confess that I am not a particular fan of Sirius, which makes it easy for me to write him from Severus's POV ^^ I'm glad you like him the way I wrote him. I like Tonks, though, and I am a fan of RL/NT, I have nothing against it but in the books there are so many things that you could use to prove that Remus was absolutely unhappy with her and was actually in love with someone else. And I think that if you have a certain pairing, like Remus/Sirius, you can find clues everywhere ... so can I ;) You only have to look for them. I think Severus would staunchly ignore that Remus was staring at Sirius :) Some things are a little tricky to write for me, for example Order meetings ^^. I am still finding my way into OotP ... Thanks for saying that you are impressed with my writing, if I wrote in German you wouldn't be, I'm not as comfortable with my own language ^^ probably because I always write in English. **  
**Remus feels that he has to stay with Sirius when his friend is in a bad mood, he feels responsible and doesn't want to annoy Sirius by being home but not spending time with him, I think it is mentioned in later chapters ... and maybe he just thought that Severus might keep him for more than just the Potion ... I quite like the fact that Remus is not as open a book as Severus and we might not always know what he's thinking. You don't annoy me at all, by the way, it is nice that you don't just take it as it is, it shows me you dive into the story ;). Sorry for answering so chaotically, I hope you still know what I am answering to ^^".

**Looking At You**

Severus didn't dare Apparate, lest the Potion might suffer and because he didn't want 'the evil old hag' to ask impertinent questions about where he was going. So he had to think about what he wanted to tell the Floo for an address. He was standing before his fireplace, the Wolfsbane securely stowed away in his inside pocket, a hand full of Floo powder, wondering whether the fire would understand what he meant if he just said 'Remus Lupin's house in the woods' …

He sighed and tossed the powder into the flames that turned immediately green, then he put a hand over the flask in his pocket and said simply, "Remus Lupin." How many Remus Lupins were there in Great Britain, really? Surely just one. At least among those people connected to the Floo Network. He stepped into the fire and started revolving, catching glimpses of living rooms, trying not to breathe. But it was a rather longer journey and when Severus was already losing hope that the fire knew where to transport him, there was a violent turn to the right and he was literally thrown out of the fire onto dusty floorboards.

He scrambled to his legs, cursing under his breath for falling in such an undignified way like a little boy who had just traveled by Floo for the first time. But it had taken him by surprise, this sudden change of direction. Hopefully this was the right house. Severus brushed ash off his robes and looked around. The spacious living room he had stumbled into was quite as untidy as Severus had expected it to be; it was flooded with light, the curtains were drawn back and the peeling wallpaper cast long shadows on the walls. There were books stacked on the floor or lying open on all furniture that existed in the room and papers scattered over every surface. Severus thought that if he had a house such as this he would furnish it similarly; there were as many bookshelves as there were walls, several cages and glass tanks that had once contained creatures, and the threadbare armchair Severus knew so well, with a matching sofa.

There was barely room on the sofa to sit on, only a small space in-between newspapers, books and wrappers of various sweets where someone the exact size of Remus would fit in. On the floor where the werewolf's feet would rest, there were several cups which had probably contained tea or hot chocolate before they had been discarded and forgotten.

Severus strained his ears. The house was silent. He stepped further in and his feet whirled tiny dust clouds into the air, while the wooden floorboards creaked with old age. The sun illuminated the thick layer of dust that had formed on the floor during the weeks of Remus's absence. Severus noticed a beeline, that Remus had formed in the dust and that split in two at an open door and a closed one. Pinned to the door that led into the hall there was a moon chart.

Suddenly Severus heard a clanking, then a scraping and the sound of running water. As he made his way through the living room he picked up a few books and magazines and stacked them on the coffee table. Mostly Charms magazines ('World of Charms – New Achievements in Contemporary Charms' and 'Prince Charming – Magnificent Magic for the Modern Gentleman') and novels ('Spellbound – A new Case for Argentius Silver', 'The Redcaps of Stirling' and 'The Alchemist') and books about Magical Creatures ('Creatures of the Scottish Highlands' and 'The Common Garden and its Magical Inhabitants'). When Severus passed the shelves he noticed a very old edition of 'Dueling for Dummies' and smirked to himself.

"Severus," came Remus's voice from the open door to Severus's left. He had passed it without looking in. He turned round and found Remus leaning against the sink. "Good afternoon."

Severus entered the kitchen, glancing around at the dusty counters, the blackened stove and stained windows. Remus was smiling, his delicate fingers holding the thread of a tea bag that was swimming in the cup he was holding in a slightly trembling hand. The tea kettle was standing on the stove, one of the cupboards was ajar and behind Remus the trees were visible outside the window, swaying in a slight breeze; the way the sunlight, that was falling in through the window, made Remus's hair gleam was quite fetching. Severus lingered a few feet away from Remus, considering him with invisible delight.

Remus's smile broadened and Severus became aware that it touched his eyes for the first time, deepening the wrinkles around them rather nicely. "So quiet?" asked Remus hoarsely, removing the tea bag to put it into the sink.

"Tea bags?" asked Severus softly, nodding towards the sink.

Remus shrugged. "The white tea is empty, we used it all up the last time we had tea together at Hogwarts," he explained and opened the cupboard whose door was ajar. Severus made out the tin in which the white tea he had given to Remus had been kept. "I keep my tea bags in it now," added Remus, smiling fondly at the tin. His eyes looked reminiscent, reflecting the sunlight beautifully.

When he looked back at Severus he blinked and the corners of his mouth twitched slightly. His greying hair fell into his eyes, the sun highlighted the scars on his jaw and neck, Severus took two long strides towards him, encircling Remus's waist with his arms, and kissed him deeply, pressing him against the counter and their bodies together. Remus opened his lips and his mouth tasted sweet from the sugar in his tea. Severus faintly registered a clinking but paid no attention as he felt Remus's soft hair against his nose and the werewolf's legs pressing against his own, and a warm liquid soaking the front of his robes. He opened his eyes as Remus smiled into the kiss, and pulled back when he realised what was wrong. He loosened his embrace and looked down at Remus's hands which were still holding the teacup that was now empty, its contents spilled on their robes.

"Oh," said Severus stupidly but Remus shook his head and set the cup aside.

"That's alright," said he, reaching into his pocket to take out his wand and dry the stains on their chests. "Not to worry."

Remus smiled again and Severus leant back in to capture that smile and feel it on his own lips. Remus ran his hands up Severus's arms and cupped his face, gently responding to the kiss that Severus was determined never to break. He heard the birds singing outside and the wind in the trees. He found himself horribly sappy right then, but didn't care. He turned his head a little when Remus made to pull back and deepened the kiss even further, earning a moan that made him shiver and goose bumps erupt on his skin. But Remus broke the kiss anyway, mere seconds later, slightly out of breath and rather disheveled.

"Wait," said he chuckling, "I may not forget to take the Potion."

Severus stared at him for a few moments, until he remembered why he was even there. He pulled the glass flask out of his pocket and handed it to Remus who opened it and downed it more quickly than Severus had ever witnessed. He put the flask down on the counter, wiping his mouth with his eyes tightly shut.

"Ewww …" went he, shuddering in Severus's arms. "I know I should finally get used to it but it's just so disgusting." He reached for a glass in one of the cupboards and took his wand to fill it with water, for Severus wouldn't let him go to turn on the water in the sink. Then he rinsed his mouth thoroughly, emptying the glass with relief. "That's better," said he, his smile back in place. "I wouldn't want you to be forced to taste it."

Severus took that as an invitation. He breathed in Remus's scent when their lips met once more and he was immediately back in the dark corridor, stuck in the vanishing step. _Finally alone_, thought Severus, trying to forget that Black even existed. But he had been in this house before Severus had even laid eyes on it. Severus broke the kiss and looked at Remus rather more glaringly than he had intended.

"What is it?" asked Remus raising his eyebrows and resting his hands on Severus's shoulders. "I didn't annoy you, did I?"

Severus shook his head, reminded of the fact that Remus felt immediately at fault for every one of Severus's bad moods. He rubbed his thumb over Remus's jaw line but said nothing. He had to admit that he was still timid, lest he would say something offensive once again.

"I wish you'd talk a little more," said Remus, his face stern.

Of course, no matter what Severus did it was the wrong thing to do. "Why is that?" asked Severus softly when Remus freed himself from his embrace and rubbed the small of his back where he had been pressed against the counter.

Remus sighed. "Well, I like to hear your voice," he said, holding up a cup to offer Severus tea but Severus declined. "And I want to know what you are thinking." Remus took him by the hand and pulled him along to the living room. "As much as I enjoy," he paused and smiled sweetly at Severus, "being kissed by you … I would regret it if you left without having said more than 'tea bags'."

Severus watched him as he started tidying up the sofa, filling his arms with books and carrying them over to the shelves. Severus snorted when Remus struggled to balance all the books instead of using his wand. He took out his own and swished it, relieving Remus of the weight. "You are a wizard, you dunderhead, there is no need for such tedious work."

The books shelved themselves and the empty sweets wrappers vanished into thin air as he swished his wand once more. Remus watched it, his arms still slightly raised. "As Molly so nicely put it, you don't have to whip your wand out for every tiny little thing," replied he, his voice slightly scolding. "I do small things the Muggle way. That takes more time and the days seem a bit shorter. When you are alone and unemployed you have too much time at your leave."

Severus raised an eyebrow at him. "But you are not alone now," said he stepping towards him to sit beside him on the sofa. "And I don't want you to waste time you could be spending with me." Outside the sun was slowly setting, dipping the room in red light.

"Sorry," said Remus, laying his hand on Severus's thigh in that natural way that still thrilled him. "I thought you would leave again soon."

"It is the weekend and I can take my time," replied Severus, glancing at Remus who was staring out of the window. "But if you wish it I can leave."

"No!" Remus turned to him and his hand seized Severus's, intertwining their fingers. Remus lowered his eyes sheepishly, dropping his voice when he spoke again. "No, I had to be without you for so long, I don't want you to leave. I feel much more comfortable now. Don't take that away from me."

Severus looked at their hands, ashamed again. A feeling that just wouldn't leave him anymore. Like this other feeling that surged through him when he considered their laced fingers. "I was just teasing you, silly werewolf," he muttered, allowing Remus to lean against him. "I'll stay as long as you want."

"You'll have to stay very long then," whispered Remus. "I hope that doesn't interfere with your duties at Hogwarts."

"There are more important things."

They sat in silence for a while in which Remus started squirming and changing position continuously as Severus had experienced before. Suddenly something seemed to be on Remus's mind for he sat up straight and looked at Severus. "Yes?" said Severus when Remus seemed to be hesitating.

"Well," started Remus slowly, "Sturgis was arrested the other night … I wondered … if that has anything to do with what Lucius Malfoy and you were discussing the other day."

Severus looked into his eyes and wondered if Remus would be irritated by the truth. But the truth had been his friend lately. At least with Remus. "Yes," confirmed Severus quietly. Remus nodded but wasn't satisfied yet.

"Did you know he would use Sturgis to get through the door?"

"Yes," Severus repeated, though this time he felt the need to elaborate. "I told Albus about it."

Remus frowned. "So that was why that watchwizard came down, it wasn't a coincidence," he muttered more to himself than to Severus. "You didn't tell me about it," he added but his voice didn't sound reproachful.

"I forgot," said Severus truthfully. Remus's searching eyes bored into his and though Severus knew that Remus was no Legilimens he was sure he didn't need to be one. He nodded again and cocked his head to one side.

"Have you ever used Legilimency on me?" he asked quite unexpectedly. Severus smirked.

"Why, do you have anything to hide from me?" he said silkily.

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Have you?" he repeated, not allowing Severus to tease him.

"I admit, the temptation was strong," replied Severus. "But using Legilimency means breaking violently into someone's mind, being able to see every thought, every memory … without permission I would never have done that to you. And I daresay, you would have noticed."

Remus smiled a knowing smile. "You know, if you want to, I'll let you," he offered and Severus knew that he meant it. Perhaps he thought that looking into his mind would please Severus.

"No," said Severus, holding up his hand. "Flattering as that offer is, and tempting the prospect of finally understanding you, such an intrusion is not meant for people one cares about."

"One cares about?" echoed Remus in an amused voice. "Well, alright. But should you change your mind, feel free."

"You do not understand the art of Legilimency," said Severus impatiently. "Occlumency doesn't exist out of pure synchronism. I could see things you don't want to share, things I do not want to see. It isn't a nice feeling to have someone else sneaking around in your mind. No matter who it is. Since you are no Occlumens, you cannot choose which memories to show me and I cannot choose precisely which ones I want to see. Everyone has some memory or other they don't want to share, I'm sure even you."

Remus considered him closely, then leant back against his shoulder and pulled Severus's arm round his waist. "You are much more romantic than you are letting on, Severus," sighed he after a few minutes of watching the sun disappear behind the tree tops.

"What have I done to deserve such insults?" replied Severus in mock irritation.

Remus looked up at him, frowning again, and laid his arm round Severus's stomach. Severus stiffened slightly when Remus ran his hand up his chest. "I missed this," muttered Remus. "Coming back here to my old life after everything that happened at Hogwarts was pure torture. Sirius didn't visit much, either, he was abroad or at Hogsmeade, so I was alone again. I missed you. It didn't get easier with time. People say pain ceases but it doesn't. Not really. It disappears from time to time but it returns with the same intensity. And all I had was telling myself that you were feeling the same way."

Severus threaded his fingers through Remus's hair, unable to say anything immediately. He took some deep breaths, collecting his thoughts. After a few moments of silence Remus made to say something but Severus held up a hand. "Don't always take away my chance to reply something!" he snapped, startling Remus who closed his mouth at once. "You've done it before. You expect me to say something and then you decide you are afraid of my answer. There's no reason for that. I did feel the same way. And it didn't help that it was my fault."

"Let's share the blame," said Remus and Severus felt grateful. "I'm just glad that you are here."

Severus nodded, resting his head on top of Remus's and closing his eyes, remembering the many evenings they had spent like this on his sofa in the dungeons of Hogwarts. And wishing them back. He balled his left fist. He couldn't believe he had wasted precious time avoiding the werewolf because of meaningless fights. Outrageous that he had been unable to forgive him something, half of which he had never done, while Remus forgave Severus murder without thinking twice. He could have been soothed like this much earlier, had he confided in Remus that the Dark Mark was becoming clearer. He would have laid his hand on Severus's forearm like he did right now and said some meaningful words.

"I said I'd be there for you," whispered Remus. Then he fidgeted, causing Severus to open his eyes and look at him, seeing again that glint of the wolf in the golden eyes that met his own. His brows knitted. Remus forced himself to sit still and his voice betrayed nothing of his unease as he continued, "If there is anything troubling you, you can always tell me about it. Talking helps."

Severus knew. Ever since he had confessed his crimes to Remus for the first time, he knew. But he realised that this offer had always been one-sided. Remus, of course, talked to Severus without being asked. But he should be asked, thought Severus. Because Remus couldn't defeat that glint in his eyes on his own. And yet he would never ask for help. He was an even prouder man than Severus. And more dignified than Severus could ever wish to be.

"Are we as close as we used to be?" asked Severus despite himself, for he needed to know now. Remus raised his eyebrows, squirming slightly, and left no doubt about it.

"Closer," he said hoarsely and leant in to kiss Severus's lips rather chastely, before adding, "Or do you disagree?"

Severus pulled him closer and shook his head as he pressed his lips firmly against Remus's, embracing him tightly. It had been a long time since, and now was the perfect moment. It wouldn't be destroyed by unwelcome visitors or calls. Severus knew he had read Remus's behaviour correctly. The other night he hadn't felt as confident but now he knew everything was as it should be. He let his fingers sneak underneath Remus's shirt to caress the soft skin in the small of his back and felt Remus gasp into the kiss followed by two hands pushing gently against Severus's chest. Severus released Remus and waited as the werewolf caught his breath. He wouldn't admit to himself that he was afraid of rejection.

"You," started Remus then hesitated and continued, "can you stay? Overnight?" His face was flushed and he didn't meet Severus's eyes as he said it. Severus remembered the morning he had last seen that sheepish smile.

"Yes," he assured him, "if I may."

Remus chuckled and stood, pulling Severus with him. "You must. I cannot let you go …"

As he took his hand to lead him to the closed door at the far end of the room, Severus recalled that Remus had for a long time avoided around the full moon what he now offered. It made Severus feel a rush of overwhelming joy that made him squeeze Remus's hand. The werewolf smiled up at him in that same way and opened the door into the hall, guiding Severus left and upstairs. The way seemed very long and Severus felt tempted to press Remus against a wall now and then just to relieve the tension. But the werewolf's step didn't quicken, nor did he stop or hesitate when they had finally reached the door to the room Severus had seen Remus sit in, from his hiding place in the trees.

Severus followed Remus into the bedroom that still glowed with the last red light of the sunset. There was an ancient wardrobe that looked older than Remus, bookshelves even here and a white bed, the paint coming off and revealing grey wood. Remus turned round to face him, walking a few steps backwards until they were standing beside the bed. He took a deep breath, the sheepish smile never leaving his face, and Severus wondered why Remus thought he had reason to feel nervous when Severus didn't. All Severus felt was anticipation.

"I feel more comfortable here," muttered Remus, waving a hand to indicate his bedroom. "Grimmauld Place is so sinister."

Severus agreed. He liked being in a house that was so like Remus, radiating Remus's aura, cosy and bright. He felt at home, more than he did at Spinner's End or Hogwarts. Probably because it was always Remus who gave him that feeling.

"It is like you, this house," replied Severus.

"What, old and dusty?" chuckled Remus making Severus roll his eyes.

"Yes," drawled Severus sarcastically and Remus chuckled even more, "that, and warm and welcoming."

His head started to feel light and he thought it must be an overdose of Remus Lupin when the werewolf smiled and closed the gap between them to kiss him with all the tenderness that he had in his body. His trembling fingers fumbled with Severus's clasps and buttons, opening them more deftly than Severus had expected.

"I love you," said Remus huskily, the glint in his eyes slowly dying and Severus traced the outlines of his face with careful fingers, realising why that sentence meant so much to him. He was sure Remus had often heard those three words but …

"You are the only person who has ever told me that," whispered Severus as he leant in to kiss Remus's neck, letting his robes slide off his shoulders. Remus's fingers came to rest in the back of Severus's neck and his soft lips pressed against his temple, speechless for once.

The rough fabric of Remus's shirt was shed disdainfully as Severus pushed Remus gently against the edge of the bed. When the werewolf laid down on the sheets Severus took in his new scars, determined to memorise them carefully. Remus watched him patiently and Severus was pleased to see that there still was that same intimacy between them, that Remus didn't want to hide and that neither felt self-conscious. For the very first time it was like starting where they had left off as if not a week had passed between the last full moon at Hogwarts and now. Everything was the same. Except this intense impatient tension in Severus's body that he could barely control. A tension that told of the many months he had been deprived of Remus.

He thought that his memory must have been deceiving him. He could not remember that it had ever felt this blissful, that Remus's voice had ever been quite as becoming, or his eyes as beautiful. And his memory had been magnificent. Yet as Remus uttered his name in that drawn-out, hoarse moan, it heightened Severus's pleasure to a level that he could have sworn he had never felt before.

Remus's fingers were drawing circles on Severus's damp skin as they had always done and again he shivered with pleasant familiarity that, he thought, nothing could exceed in quality. "Will you really sleep here?" asked Remus very hoarsely and Severus raised his head to look at him, propping himself up on his elbow.

"Of course," said Severus softly, his voice milder than he could have made it sound had he tried on purpose.

Remus smiled at him rather sheepishly again and pulled him down for a kiss. "I missed you," whispered Remus against his lips and it felt wonderfully natural to lie with him like this, not sure where his body ended and Remus's began. But he was, as always, unsure what to say, whether to say anything at all or rather be silent. Remus considered him with his darkened eyes that still told of desire and Severus couldn't tear his own away, threading his fingers through that greying hair that was splayed over the white pillow like gold and silver.

"You never say anything," muttered Remus, obviously in the hope that Severus wouldn't hear it. He shifted his legs and stretched a little, telling Severus that his weight was becoming uncomfortable and thus causing him to slide off him, though without losing body contact, keeping their legs entangled and his torso pressed to Remus's side, one arm round his waist.

"Would you like me to say anything in particular?" asked Severus, sliding his knuckles over the very first of Remus's many scars, making him close his eyes in enjoyment before he could answer.

"Well," mumbled he then, his eyes never meeting Severus's, "I'd just like to know if you … enjoyed …" he trailed off and Severus couldn't suppress a smirk. Self-assured Remus Lupin asking Severus if he had enjoyed it. Remus caught sight of his mocking expression and raised his eyebrows in obvious dismay.

"Look at me," said Severus and Remus obeyed, looking into his face.

"Yes?" said he after a few moments of silence, impatient for the first time.

"This," replied Severus silkily, "is what I look like when I've enjoyed myself."

Remus looked startled for a moment, then chuckled and settled down against Severus's shoulder, closing his eyes with a satisfied smile. "Good," he murmured before falling silent and Severus enjoyed for a while longer the werewolf's even breathing against his skin before sleep overtook him.


	15. Sounds

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: Sorry for the delay it was a busy week and I couldn't seem to get a hold of my inspiration. Thanks for your reviews and here you are rewarded with some fluff and drama ... Remus is a nervous heap sometimes ;). He can only show it to Severus. And everyone, don't be anxious for DH just now XD we are still in OotP ;). I'm glad you liked the previous chapter, I changed it a few times. I enjoyed describing Remus's home, by the way, because I have a very clear picture of it. **  
**

Lizard Demon From Pluto: I'm glad that you found this after such a long time :) I had to find out what I wanted to do with this story before posting it ;).

**Sounds**

The sun was blinding even through his closed eyelids. He groaned irritably. There was a chuckle in his ear. A hand on his chest. Lips on his own. Skin against his body. He wasn't used to being the second to wake up. He forced his eyes open and everything was white until he got used to the light. Then there were golden eyes shining down at him, a smile in them. And greying hair gleaming in the sun. Softly curved lips forming words.

"Good morning, Severus."

His name sounded nice when uttered by those lips. Severus sighed and stretched. Feeling Remus's skin on his own. A very good morning indeed. He felt refreshed. He rubbed his leg against Remus's and laid his arm round him. Remus rested his head on Severus's chest. His lips moved against Severus's skin. Severus sighed again. Such pleasure was unreal in the situation everyone was in. It was indecent. It was …

"… wonderful, don't you think, Sev'rus?"

"Huh?" said Severus, snapping out of his thoughts and realising that Remus had been talking to him. "What did you say?" added Severus, feeling slightly embarrassed.

Remus laughed and hugged Severus, rubbing his cheek against Severus's skin. "The sound of the morning," said he and shivered when Severus ran his fingers up his spine. The sound of the morning? Severus strained his ears. Birds. Robins and starlings. A black bird. At least one sparrow. There was the rustling of the wind in the trees and running water in a nearby brook. Remus's slow breathing. The sliding of Remus's fingers on Severus's skin. The rustling of sheets.

"Yes," said Severus, breathing in the licorice scent that surely clung to him too now. "What time … ?"

"Nine," answered Remus. "Plenty of time, I daresay, for you to return to Hogwarts."

Severus shifted and sat up against the head board, Remus's head sliding off his chest. "The only annoying thing is that I have to leave for the last dose of Wolfsbane. If I had known, I would have taken it along."

Remus put his head back on Severus's chest. "Stay until I have to take the Potion, then," he muttered sleepily.

"I need to get back and see if anything has happened during my absence. I didn't tell anyone where I was going," replied Severus but didn't move an inch. "Does one have the possibility to wash in this building? Or do you bathe in the brook behind your house?"

Remus chuckled weakly. "My bathroom is down the hall, last door. But you won't be seeing it very soon." And he made his point by bringing down his full weight on Severus, holding onto him rather tightly. Not that Severus would have minded. He laid his arm round Remus's shoulders, watching the hairs on it stand up as a breeze came through the open window, ruffling Remus's already disheveled hair.

"You are taking care, aren't you?" asked Remus after a while.

"There's no need to worry about me. I'm skilled at deceiving people," drawled Severus, knowing better than to admit that he was in mortal peril whenever he faced the Dark Lord. Remus had enough to worry about already.

"And you never make a mistake? You never let slip anything you shouldn't?"

"I only speak when spoken to. Thus I can prepare my answers and hold my tongue," said Severus, turning his arm slightly to look at the red mark on his arm. Vividly red. He balled his fist and wondered if he'd ever be rid of the Mark, if he could ever hold Remus without besmirching him.

"And you never lose your temper when you talk to those people?"

"If you believe it or not," said Severus slowly, sliding his hand down Remus's spine to the small of his back just above the blanket, "I can hold my temper very well. You must let go of all emotion to practise Occlumency."

"I remember a night and several days when you couldn't let go of all emotion," said Remus casually and Severus scowled at the top of his head.

"Well," growled he irritably, "my life wasn't depending on it. And you cannot expect me to take Potter's insolence without comment."

Remus shifted his head, his stubble scraping pleasantly over Severus's skin. "I didn't mean Harry," he said simply, and Severus flushed immediately, grateful that the werewolf wasn't looking at him.

"I admit that my experience with such strong emotions is marginal," he pressed between gritted teeth, "and that, even with quiet preparation, it takes some time to let it drain out of my body."

Remus made no reply, but Severus had the impression that he was smiling against his chest. There was silence for a very long time during which, Severus was sure, Remus went back to sleep until he was woken by Severus's stomach. He laughed and lifted himself off Severus to sit beside him.

"Are you hungry, Severus?" he asked when his laughter had subsided and he had noticed Severus's glare.

"I must complain," sneered Severus, though he would have been much surer of the effect had he been wearing something. "You, Professor Lupin, are a dreadful host. Your guests must starve before you offer them anything."

Remus's renewed laugh pleased Severus. It was a sound he liked to hear all the time. "I beg your pardon, but you must not expect too much of an unemployed bachelor werewolf whose only visitors are an escaped convict and a grumpy Potions master," retorted Remus, chuckling still.

"I certainly hope, for your sake, that your other visitors don't receive the same treatment," said Severus, trying to hide his jealousy. "I demand to be set apart from the mutt!"

Remus shook his head in scolding. "In that point you are very similar, and in many others …"

The wistful tone alarmed Severus even though reason told him there was no need. "I ask you not to compare me to _him _while I am in your bed … or at any other time," snapped Severus and made Remus laugh once more. "So do you have something to eat or not? I missed the Hogwarts breakfast because you held me captive, so I expect reparation."

Remus kissed his cheek with a grin and swung his legs out of bed. "Alright, I have something here, Molly gave it to me before she and Arthur left Grimmauld Place. So don't worry, I will not neglect my duties as your host any longer. And be sure that you are the only visitor whom I treat so well," he added with a wink that made Severus avert his eyes. "Bacon and eggs and toast will be fine? I'm afraid that's all I have to offer."

"Then I suppose that is what must be fine," said Severus as he watched Remus get up and snatch his shirt from the floor where Severus had dropped it. He tried hard not to stare, but it was in vain, he thought that there was nothing to be ashamed of in looking at Remus's body, gleaming in the sunlight. Sadly, when Remus had put on his shirt and trousers, he left for the kitchen.

Severus seized the opportunity to take a quick shower, slipping out of bed and gathering his clothes in his arms. The bathroom was bright but quite as shabby as the rest of the house. Some tiles were missing and the glass of the shower door was stained like the window. Severus took a towel from the cupboard and turned on the water, putting his hands against the wall as it ran over his head and back. He closed his eyes.

The water felt like Remus's fingers running over his skin. And before long he realised that those were Remus's fingers, and his arms encircling his waist, and his head on his shoulder blades. Severus couldn't help but smile. He thought this must be a dream, since there was no way he could actually enjoy himself so much in just twenty-four hours.

"You just leave, I thought you had gone back to Hogwarts without telling me," said Remus, his voice interrupted by the splashing of the water. Severus was rather distracted indeed. He stepped aside to let Remus stand under the water.

"I wouldn't," said he simply, smoothing his wet hair back as he watched Remus's being drenched. "And obviously I don't have a right to privacy in your house."

"My house, my rules, Professor Snape," said Remus with a sweet smile. "And you're lucky that I don't take points off you."

The fried – or rather burned – eggs Remus had made were less agreeable than Severus would have liked. Severus knew that the day before the full moon made everything harder for Remus, surely even paying attention to frying eggs. He didn't make a remark other than wrinkling his nose and Remus redeemed him with a laugh and a word of thanks for his unusual endurance. Severus put away his plate, noticing Remus's trembling hands as he cleared the table. He didn't like it. He had thought Remus would stay calm for longer.

"I will leave now," said Severus, getting up. "I'll return as soon as I can."

Remus nodded and faced him, leaning against the sink. "Could you bring something for lunch maybe? Or supper? I miss Hogwarts meals."

Severus raised an eyebrow, throwing his robe over his shoulders. "Yes, maybe. Any other orders? A nice single-malt, perhaps?"

Remus chuckled, and accompanied Severus to the fireplace. "I don't drink whiskey if I don't have to be polite," said he when Severus tossed some Floo powder into the grate, "but I wouldn't say no to some cherry syrup."

Severus wished he hadn't returned to Hogwarts at all. Why not resign and stay with Remus? McGonagall was already waiting for him when he clambered out of the fireplace in his office, scolding him for his long absence and boring him with the fist fight one of his students had had with one of hers.

After a while she seemed to be tired of it too and instead sat down unasked and started complaining about Umbridge once more. Severus found that much more enjoyable. He nodded constantly and assisted sometimes by supplying insults.

"Severus, I have no idea how you manage to hide your dislike for people like her," she said agitatedly, after having told him that Potter had received a week's detention, "I mean, you have to do with people like her all the time and none may know what you really think of them. Sometimes you make the impression that you cannot hide your loathing for people at all but when you need to you are so," she paused searching for words, "_controlled_."

Severus folded his hands on his desk and wondered if she knew that hiding love was much more difficult than hiding hatred. "I feel flattered. What do you think, maybe I should give classes," sneered Severus. She gave him the hint of a smile.

Just when she was leaving and opening the door she bumped into Umbridge who had her hand raised to knock. McGonagall glared down at her while Umbridge smiled widely. The two of them passed each other without breaking eye contact until McGonagall had crossed the threshold, giving Severus a dark look before disappearing.

"Can I help you, Professor Umbridge?" said Severus smoothly, as Umbridge turned her smile on him.

"Yes, I hope so, Professor Snape," she said sweetly, but her sweet tone was very different from Remus's. "I hope when the time comes, that you will help me with a few of your potions."

Severus would have liked to snap at her for her impertinence, but he stayed calm. "I'm afraid that many of my potions are very valuable, and difficult to make. I cannot guarantee that I will be able to provide every potion you require."

Umbridge's simpering smile never faltered. "Oh, I'm sure you will not want to disappoint me, Professor Snape, it wouldn't be profitable for your career or your reputation. Furthermore I know that you can brew every potion, and that, should I need one you miraculously don't have in your stores, you can –"

"Whip it up in no time?" Severus finished for her, his voice not giving away his immense anger. "Maybe you are not aware of the fact that potion-making is not like cooking. It costs much time and money."

"The Ministry will be very grateful, I assure you," replied Umbridge, her smile never wavering. "The Headmaster has given his consent. If that is what makes you invent excuses."

Severus's blood was now boiling. But Dumbledore hadn't consented for no reason. "Believe me, I can decide for myself what I do with my potions," he said very quietly. "And if the Ministry demands, I will naturally do my best to supply."

"A very good decision," said Umbridge, unaware of the mortal danger she was currently in. "You will find that the Ministry is a much better choice than Dumbledore."

Severus inclined his head as she made to leave and as soon as the door had closed behind her he kicked the table forcefully. When he finally left his office, lunch time had already arrived and the students were assembling in the Great Hall. Severus looked at the food and picked a constellation Remus would like, before descending to the kitchens and ordering the elves to prepare it, including some cherry syrup. Severus thought that he was indeed more romantic than he was letting on.

He didn't wait for any more unwelcome visitors but warmed the Wolfsbane and put it on the tray with the food to seal it and take it all safely to Remus. The werewolf was already waiting. Or rather pacing, and Severus wasn't sure if he'd left the living room at all since his departure.

"Severus!" he exclaimed rather joyfully and when he saw the tray he added, "I love you!"

"Oh, such a warm welcome for a tray of food," sneered Severus as Remus took it from him gratefully to put it down on the coffee table that was still scattered with papers. "First the Potion, then the rest."

"Yes, yes," said Remus, waving a hand at him. He didn't obey. Severus scowled but didn't tell him off. Remus wanted him to stay. Severus walked round the sofa to the bookshelves he hadn't yet inspected. "Don't forget the Potion!" he snapped when he listened to the clanking of cutlery. He got a groan in return and smirked. His eyes wandered over 'Flick and Swish – a guide to proper hand-movements in Charms work' over 'Seeking Shelter – The Patronus and other Protective Magic' to 'The Great Book of Werewolves – History, Condition and Regulation' before he was disturbed.

He heard an annoyed huff, a pop, a crash and a cry. When he turned to find out what the noises had been about, Remus was stooping out of sight behind the sofa, whimpering rather desperately. Severus strode over to him and looked round the sofa to find Remus trying in vain to scoop the spilled Wolfsbane up into the remainder of the glass flask, which had obviously slipped out of his hands and smashed on the floor. Severus passed a hand over his face and sighed. Remus's hands were trembling worse than ever, and the agitation he was in didn't help.

"I'm s-sorry," he stammered, glancing at Severus, panic-stricken. "It just s-slipped … I … now all the work was in v-vain."

Severus hushed him with a harsh movement of his arm. "Stop it. That doesn't matter. I still have some left, or do you think me so ill prepared?" he snapped. Remus lowered his eyes and let his hands fall to his sides. "You clean up that mess and I fetch another dose of Wolfsbane."

Severus hurried into his lab at Hogwarts and warmed the rest of the Wolfsbane once more, determined to watch this time as Remus drank it for it was just enough for one day. When he returned to Remus's living room the werewolf was still kneeling on the floor, scrubbing away at the stained wood with a towel. For a moment Severus remained standing just before the fireplace, staring at him and the mess on the floor, glass shards and all, until he snapped out of his disbelieving stupor.

"What the _heck_ are you doing?" he snapped, walking over and pulling out his wand. "You cannot clean up a potion without magic, you dunderhead, here, _Reparo_, _Evanesco_," he continued, pointing his wand at the broken glass and spilled Potion in turn. Then he seized Remus's arm rather roughly, pulling him back onto the sofa. Remus looked at his hands, seeming rather beside himself. Severus felt his stomach churning with worry and his neck burning with guilt.

"Wait," he said, softening his voice as he pulled the stopper out of the new phial. "This time," he said with a smile he hoped Remus recognised as apologetic, though Severus didn't know how to make it look like that and Remus was in no state to see deeper than to the surface, "I will hold it for you. We cannot risk another clumsy outbreak." Remus squirmed and nodded and Severus was sure he had missed the apology.

Severus sat down beside him and lifted the Potion to his lips, touching them deliberately with his fingers. Remus leant against him when he drained the Potion in one and he coughed a little when Severus put the phial down, leaning even more heavily against Severus. "Thanks," he croaked, while the trembling in his hands subsided. "I'm silly."

"Slightly," agreed Severus, putting an arm round him. "You had better eat up, it's getting cold. And then you might as well go to bed."

Severus stayed where he was for another hour, watching Remus eat and being held firmly by the arm, held back from leaving. Then he accepted a very welcome kiss from Remus that he indulged in for rather longer than he should have for he had thought the werewolf wouldn't grant him one at all. Then he made to leave, hiding his heavy heart at Remus's miserable expression.

"Have a good night, and don't get up too early," said he when he stepped into the fireplace, looking pointedly away from Remus's sad eyes.

He didn't sleep well that night. He was used to that. The full moon usually kept him awake and he was grumpier than he had been all week when Monday morning broke and he had nothing to look forward to except bringing Remus some strengthening potions right after breakfast. He wouldn't let that be taken from him by anyone. Not Albus, not McGonagall and certainly not Umbridge. And yet his mood was yet to reach its lowest low.

When he entered the staff room his colleagues had already formed a knot around McGonagall who was reading an article in the _Daily_ _Prophet_ to them. She finished with a hysterical huff when he came closer and as soon as she had caught sight of him she brandished the paper at him with an expression that would have alarmed him if he had been the one it was destined for.

"That woman!" she growled, shoving the paper into his hands. "She is … she is … read it for yourself, I want to hear what you say to that."

Severus glanced skeptically at everyone before looking down at the article they were all so upset about. He narrowed his eyes at the big photograph of Umbridge under a headline that would have made him laugh had it not been so serious.

"Hogwarts High Inquisitor?" he asked slowly, looking at McGonagall who urged him to go on reading. It was a rather ridiculously self-praising article that mainly left him untouched. But of course, Lucius couldn't hold his arrogant tongue and what was more, Remus was mentioned, name and condition, defamed as a mere eccentric appointment. Severus's fingers crumpled the paper.

"It's outrageous, isn't it?" asked McGonagall, misinterpreting that reaction. Severus looked up with a glare.

"Yes," he hissed, "outrageous, indeed."

McGonagall nodded viciously and took the paper back from him. "That we should have to endure her judging our teaching!"

"I'm afraid you will have no other choice, Minerva," said a falsely sweet voice behind Severus's back. He turned, softening his glare to a mere scowl. "The Minister himself has made it so. And about time, I daresay."

"Do you want to imply that our teaching is below your Ministry standards?" snapped McGonagall while the other teachers gathered behind her as moral support. She was the only one daring to speak up against Umbridge of course.

"I am merely saying that it is worth an inspection," replied Umbridge, smiling as always. "If you think your skill is satisfactory, you have nothing to fear. Cooperation is your best chance."

"I am sure the Headmaster will want us to cooperate, Minerva," said Severus quietly, to stop the argument. "We have no other choice but to accept the circumstances."

McGonagall who had obviously hoped for his allegiance now turned on him. "Of course you would say that," she snapped at him and then at Umbridge, "Be assured that Severus's opinion is not representative of the rest of us, not that he ever shows any loyalty to anyone."

Umbridge simpered at him. "You will soon realise that Professor Snape is quite right," she said before she left for breakfast. Severus glared at McGonagall.

"Wasn't that a little too convincing?" he snarled. She just shrugged, still rather angry.

"We have to make her believe you are cooperating, right? I don't know you to be so sensitive. You offend people all the time, but as soon as someone does the same to you, you get cross," she replied. "Have some breakfast, maybe it is the hunger that makes you so unpleasant."

Severus balled his fists. He hated it when she was like that, treating him like a child. "You lost the authority to give me orders when I graduated," he growled and held out his hand. "Can I have the paper?"

She gave it to him without another word and they left the staff room. He returned to his rooms without having had breakfast and fetched two potions for Remus from his store cupboard, putting it into his pocket with the paper. Remus's house was quiet, there was just the blackbird's song drifting in through the window as Severus crossed the living room to the hall. When he had ascended the stairs he stepped onto a light-flooded landing, all doors opened, and turned left into Remus's bedroom. The werewolf was a rolled up heap of blankets as usual and though Severus knew it was unfair to wake him so early for purely egoistic reasons, for he could as well leave the potions on the nightstand, he couldn't help waking Remus nonetheless. Being selfish felt alright when he tucked a silver brown lock of hair behind Remus's ear.

He gripped his shoulder and shook him slightly. "Wake up," he said, bending down until his lips touched Remus's ear. Remus groaned irritably. "Come on, I have something for you. I don't have all day," added Severus rolling Remus onto his back. The werewolf opened his eyes groggily and moaned.

"Get a kiss?" he croaked not moving an inch. Severus rolled his eyes mockingly and touched his lips to Remus's before straightening up and pulling the potions out of his pocket. Remus propped himself up on his elbows eagerly and let Severus do all the work of opening one phial after the other and lifting them to his lips. He looked immediately healthier. "Thank you," Remus rasped and Severus was quite sure he hadn't been expecting him to come at all.

Severus produced the paper and held it out to Remus when he sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Read the article with the ugly photo," ordered Severus when Remus took the paper with a questioning look. "You will find it interesting."

Remus glanced at him before he started reading, his brows knitting. "Inquisition? Have we returned to the Middle Ages?" said Remus in a tone between amusement and irritation. "I hope she won't burn those who fail her inspection."

Severus waved an annoyed hand to make him read on. Remus nodded and his eyes moved from left to right rapidly, skimming the article until they stopped exactly, Severus was sure, where he had expected them to stop. "Slandering gits," he muttered finishing the article. "Of course, I understand, people were already forgetting my name, they had to remind them. And poor Hagrid too."

"Yes," said Severus, sitting down next to Remus and stretching out his legs on the blanket. "I wonder what qualification she thinks she possesses to inspect us, who have been teachers for years, decades sometimes."

"Minerva must be thrilled," grinned Remus, giving the paper back to Severus who tore it in half.

"Naturally," drawled Severus, "she has offered full cooperation. If cooperation means murder. I would bet anything that Umbridge doesn't even know how to cast a Shield Charm, 'revolutionising' – hah – I tell you what she's doing, she's forbidding her students to use magic and has them reading chapters of some joke of a book that would be too trivial even for a three-year-old!" He paused while Remus scowled obediently, grumbling something like, "Outrageous," and "Ridiculous". "Albus will regret that he chose to accept her instead of resorting to me."

"Definitely," said Remus before he realised what he was agreeing to. "No, he would lose you after a year. He doesn't want to risk that."

"He doubts me," snarled Severus. "I could just go back to Potions."

"One has died, one lost his memory, one received the Dementor's Kiss only in the past four years. I do not believe that everyone is granted the life he led before the DADA post …"

Severus smirked at him. "You don't want to risk my death?"

"Of course … or the loss of your memory," replied Remus with a smile. "Don't be angry anymore. I am sure there is nothing you can do to change the circumstances. Enduring them will be easiest."

"Remus Lupin the endurer," sneered Severus and received a slap to his arm for it.

"Stop that," Remus mumbled and held onto Severus's arm. "Can you stay a little longer?"

"Just a little yes," replied Severus softly, resting his head on top of Remus's. "Very little."

"Such a pity," sighed Remus. "I wish you could stay forever."

"I thought about resigning and moving in with you," said Severus seriously. "But I didn't want to make the decision alone, you see … Remus?" He stopped and prodded him but the werewolf didn't stir. His breathing had evened. He was asleep. At first Severus thought about leaving but then he changed his mind and stayed until he had only five minutes left to the fifth-years Potions class. He managed not to wake Remus when he got up and crept across the room. He would lift his now dropping mood by bullying Potter. Oh, the boy didn't have an easy year ahead of him.


	16. Disapproval

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world (including the dialogue taken from OotP) belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: Late again, had a busy week. This chapter has a dreadful start, I was uninspired. But it gets better as you read on. And we have passed the 50 reviews, thanks a lot. Next update in a week's time. **  
**

Madam Fist: Yes, there'll be some more of Minerva in the future. She's a favourite of mine and I always had the impression that the two of them liked each other rather more than they were letting on :).

**Disapproval**

It was frustrating. The only exciting thing that happened in the following weeks was Minerva's inspection which became a laughing matter in the staff room when Umbridge wasn't present. At least Severus hadn't been inspected yet. He didn't like people sneaking around in his business. But his arm had started prickling again and he knew that Avery and Lucius must be making little progress in their attempts to get hold of the prophecy. It should be relieving but instead it annoyed him. He rubbed his arm unconsciously whenever he was sitting still and when McGonagall stopped him, jerking her head towards Umbridge, he was even more annoyed with himself and the world.

He started longing for Remus's presence, but after a serious talk with Albus he had been made to understand that hour-long absences were not acceptable without longer notice and a stronger reason than feeling miserable. Obviously Umbridge had asked where Severus had been and Albus had had no answer. Why that was such a disaster, Severus didn't need to inquire, he knew that Umbridge snooped around everywhere and that no one should give her anything to complain about. Albus was indignant, naturally, even though he softened when Severus told him about the Wolfsbane. He didn't go into the matter of staying overnight. None of anyone's business.

That confined Severus to the castle and to his bad mood. He had much dismal homework to correct as usual and all in all it was a normal start of term, much like last year, only that this time, it wasn't Moody whose presence annoyed him, but Umbridge. After Remus's stay at Hogwarts, living at the castle seemed to have only few advantages. Severus and McGonagall both missed the next four weeks' worth of Order meetings and were brought up to date in private talks with Albus. Severus resisted to ask about Remus only with great effort. He thought about writing to him but feared Umbridge would open the letters. It was frustrating indeed.

Especially when he was called to the Dark Lord's side and it took him half an hour to Apparate because he had to inform Albus and then give the patrolling Umbridge a wide berth, creeping over the dark grounds and through the iron-wrought gates to reach a place he could Apparate from. The Dark Lord wasn't pleased, of course, but refrained from punishing Severus after having heard his explanation. And Severus thought himself lucky, for the Dark Lord twisted his wand between his finger tips rather aggressively.

It was a short stay. Apparently Avery had found an Unspeakable to get into the Department of Mysteries and Lucius was supposed to Imperius him. As Severus had predicted, Lucius hadn't talked to him in weeks. He was still offended. What of it. Did Dumbledore make any moves to stop the Dark Lord? No, answered Severus, other than the usual guards. He had too much on his hands with the Ministry in his school. A nasty chuckle from the lipless mouth, a request for Veritaserum and something to induce a foggy mind, and then the dismissal.

Severus immediately sent the potions to Lucius's manor by owl, disguising everything best he could with only two words on a slip of parchment: your delivery. Then he fell onto his sofa and closed his eyes. He drifted in and out of sleep until he felt something light and soft caress his skin like so many feathers. He sighed, squinted and found himself face to face with Remus. His eyes widened and he shot up, almost knocking their heads together.

"What are you doing here?" he snapped, his heart racing foolishly. Remus smiled his mild smile and shrugged.

"I thought it would be nice seeing you before the full moon takes hold of me again. And your fireplace let me through," he replied, sitting down next to him. "You look troubled again."

"That is what I look like now, get used to it," snarled Severus, crossing his arms. Then he realised who was sitting next to him and let his arms fall again, sighing a much too whining sigh. "If you want to leave I understand," he muttered which was as close to an apology as he would get.

Remus just shook his head. "I'm used to grumpy answers, ever since Malfoy saw Sirius at King's Cross and Albus forbade him to leave his house with even one toe, he's been insufferable to me and everyone really. I wanted to stop him drinking his misery away but he doesn't listen to me. Your reaction just now was rather agreeable in comparison."

Severus huffed irritably. "So you are still living with him? Even though he's treating you badly?"

"Well, he's my friend, I feel an obligation," said Remus matter-of-factly.

"You are not responsible for him!" snapped Severus, feeling more jealous than angry, because Black spent more time with Remus than he and he didn't like the idea of Remus sleeping in the same house, which was, he knew, unfounded.

"Yes," contradicted Remus wearily, "I am. Have you been inspected yet?"

Severus didn't miss the change of subject but failed to feel angry about it. He shook his head and told Remus about the two inspections that were of interest, Trelawney and McGonagall. Remus managed to feel sorry for Trelawney who could now only wait for her dismissal, and felt devilish glee when he imagined McGonagall fighting down Umbridge. But he turned indignant when Severus mentioned Potter's continuous detentions.

"I can imagine Harry losing his temper with her," said Remus grimly, though Severus knew that Remus would never lose his temper, just to annoy her. "I mean, he's seen a friend die and been tortured by Voldemort and there she comes and calls him a liar. It must be horrible for him."

Severus didn't comment, he just rubbed his shoulder against Remus's, causing him to take his hand. "I couldn't write," said Severus curtly and Remus nodded. "Albus made me stay here."

"It's all right. I didn't expect to see you every week," replied Remus regretfully. "That's why I came here. I hope it won't cause you trouble."

"As long as you don't try to wander through the castle …" shrugged Severus, rubbing his left forearm against his stomach. "But that is not what you came here for, is it?"

"No," agreed Remus, smiling again, "I came for you."

He stopped Severus's arm and pulled it forward to roll up the sleeve. Severus didn't resist. The Mark was still black, though already fading back into its usual red colour. A crease formed between Remus's eyes.

"You got a call?" he asked quietly and Severus nodded.

"Nothing special," he said casually. "Just an order for potions and an inquiry as to the movements of the Order."

Remus cocked his head to one side. "Does he torture you sometimes?" he asked a little more straight-forward than was usual for him. Severus raised an eyebrow.

"He did," he confirmed but when Remus's face grew even more worried he added, "But at the moment he has no reason. I fulfil my purpose satisfactorily."

Remus didn't find that reassuring obviously. "Did it hurt?" he asked suddenly and Severus didn't know what that question might be referring to. He gave him a confused look and Remus ran his fingers over the Dark Mark. "When you received it, did it hurt?"

Severus thought back to that day. He had been eighteen years of age and his arm had felt like a red-hot poker had been rammed into it. But he had been satisfied and full of great plans and hopes. They had been disappointed. "Yes," he said slowly, "yes, it hurt quite a lot."

"And you weren't worried about a connection that started with pain?" asked Remus seriously, knowing pain better than anyone and having never, obviously, missed a chance to avoid it.

"My allegiance with Dumbledore started with pain," Severus said, trying not to think too much about that, and remembering something else instead. "And if I may remind you, our relationship started with pain too. My leg, your ankle."

Remus laughed. "But not intentionally!" he exclaimed, his eyes gleaming reminiscently. Severus smirked when Remus straddled his legs, leaning in for a kiss. He stopped him.

"I remember it like yesterday! You refused to help me out of my undignified situation because you thought it practical that I could not run away," he scolded and Remus chuckled.

"And you should thank me," he whispered and kissed Severus deeply. Yes, he was grateful. Kissing Remus made up for the past three weeks of frustration. Indeed it made him forget why he had been upset at all, and in seconds his body felt light. For a moment he thought it was inappropriate but then Remus turned his head slightly and his mind was empty.

That night Remus fell asleep with his head on Severus's lap and Severus started into the next day in a much better mood than usual. When the time for the Wolfsbane arrived Severus found he had scarcely time to prepare it. The first Hogsmeade weekend coincided with the week before the full moon and the mountain of dreadful homework that he had of course caused himself, made it difficult to find time for Remus's Potion. He felt uneasy about writing to Remus about it. He wanted to try finishing it first before he gave up.

On the Monday following the Hogsmeade weekend there was a notice in the staff room. Educational Decree Number Twenty-Four it was called and it disbanded all student organisations. Severus thought there must have been something going on with Potter again, it was always the boy whenever anything suspicious happened. The Slytherin Quidditch team was disbanded as well and it annoyed Severus immensely that the insufferable woman interfered with his authority to form his house team.

On top of everything Severus found a message from her on his desk that his inspection was due that morning. He scowled. Wonderful. She was already waiting when he entered the classroom, her simpering smile in place and a clipboard in her short arms. Severus nodded at her and hoped she'd just be quiet and leave him alone. Of course she didn't, and Severus wondered if she didn't value her life at all.

"I don't intend to bother you, Professor Snape. Just act as if I wasn't there."

"Very well," said Severus as he prepared the store cupboard. Umbridge wasn't finished bothering him yet.

"People say you are very strict," she said. Severus made no answer, he continued preparing what the students would need this lesson. Umbridge cleared her throat in that annoying tone of hers and Severus found it extremely hard to ignore her instead of jinxing her. She cleared her throat again. "Professor Snape?" she said sweetly but Severus could hear the warning in her voice very clearly. He stopped in his tracks.

"I thought you had asked me to act as though you weren't here," said smoothly, keeping his back turned on her. She laughed as if he had told an amusing joke.

"If you would be so kind to start with that when the lesson begins," she replied and he heard her scribbling something on her clipboard. "The children respect you."

"They are scared of me," said Severus truthfully, facing her. "Why don't you get to the point?"

She smiled even more widely. "I approve of strict teachers. And being scared can be helpful."

Severus stared at her. If she said the exact opposite of what Remus said then she must be a horrible teacher. And dislike children. "One of your predecessors disagreed with my methods, he told me that children who are scared do not learn as easily and thoroughly as those who are motivated by fun and mutual respect. And he was a favourite among the students."

"Really? And who would that have been?"

"Professor Lupin," said Severus, walking towards the door. He heard her laugh softly once more. He wanted to poison her. No one would know it was him. Where did he have his untraceable poisons again?

"I believe that there are many different ways that can lead to success. But you had better keep to your own way instead of taking advice from a senseless half-breed whom I would never refer to as 'Professor'," she said cruelly and he thought about throwing a knife at her instead of using poison. He wanted to be known as her murderer.

Severus was hating her. He wanted to tell her that Remus was clever and calm and kind and that he deserved the title of professor more than any of the worthless witches and wizards whom he had watched passing through the Defence Against the Dark Arts position. Instead he just turned to her, gave her a dirty look and, even though he shouldn't, he said, "At least his students learned something after having been exposed to Lockhart."

When he opened the dungeon door to let the fifth-years in he found Potter, Weasley and Longbottom fighting at the back of the queue and took points off them to stop them strangling each other as he watched everyone filing in. The conversations in the dungeon died impressively as he banged the door shut and he hoped Umbridge noticed it. And then he felt silly.

"You will notice that we have a guest with us today," said Severus in a low voice, gesturing towards Umbridge and all eyes turned to the corner Umbridge had settled down in. "We are continuing with our Strengthening Solution today. You will find your mixtures as you left them last lesson; if correctly made they should have matured well over the weekend – instructions on the board. Carry on," he said waving his wand.

For half an hour he was left in peace. Then, as he was just inspecting a cauldron, Umbridge addressed him from behind his back. "Well, the class seem pretty advanced for their level. Though I would question whether it is advisable to teach them a potion like the Strengthening Solution. I think the Ministry would prefer it if that was removed from the syllabus."

Severus straightened up and turned to face her. He wondered if she found it advisable to talk about things she didn't understand. He wondered if the Ministry would approve if he showed her which potions really didn't belong on the syllabus.

"Now … how long have you been teaching at Hogwarts?"

"Fourteen years," said Severus, keeping his face completely impassive. He remembered the day he had come back to Hogwarts. He didn't like to think about it.

"You applied first for the Defence Against the Dark Arts post, I believe?"

I believe – hah – she knew it perfectly well! She was close to being poisoned over her breakfast next morning. "Yes," replied Severus quietly.

"But you were unsuccessful?"

Severus couldn't help his face from betraying a little of his annoyance. "Obviously." She scribbled on her clipboard and he balled his fists. What was there to scribble, really? He had not been fit for the job that was all she needed to know. Even if it wasn't true. So he had been refused, what of it? He was teaching Potions, didn't that show Dumbledore's confidence in him? But maybe that was the point.

"And you have applied regularly for the Defence Against the Dark Arts post since you first joined the school, I believe?"

I believe, yet again. It made Severus furious. He knew his face was telling it. He didn't care. The impertinence of that person. She had better watch her step. "Yes," he said barely moving his lips. Again he was imagining how he could kill her best. For Remus's sake of course.

"Do you have any idea why Dumbledore has consistently refused to appoint you?"

Yes, but it is absolutely none of your bloody business you evil old hag! "I suggest you ask him," said Severus jerkily and swore that if Albus told her the truth he would kill the both of them. He hated her even more for humiliating him in front of students who were supposed to be scared of him.

"Oh, I shall," said Umbridge smiling sweetly and Severus was surprised how ugly a sweet smile could be.

"I suppose this is relevant?" said Severus narrowing his eyes. It was absolutely irrelevant! It said nothing about his skill or his character! It was absolutely impertinent to imply it!

"Oh, yes," said Umbridge, "yes, the Ministry wants a thorough understanding of teachers' – er – backgrounds." Severus felt as if cold water had been poured over his head. His background? Wonderful. His background. If she didn't know that from Fudge she would soon be giving Severus a very wide berth. She turned away and Severus looked at Potter in the hope of finding something he could bully him for. Potter had been watching him and hastily turned his eyes back to his messed up potion. Severus swept over to him and made him utterly angry, relieving his own steam with great pleasure.

Severus laid out the Wolfsbane ingredients in the evening and hoped he would find time to brew it at all. But it was not his time that caused Severus to think about telling Remus he couldn't come. It was Albus.

"What do you mean she's watching the Floo Network?" asked Severus incredulously, pacing Albus's office on Tuesday morning. "How can she be authorised to spy on our fires? Isn't it my business where I'm going? Or has Hogwarts turned into a prison now?"

"I understand your indignation. But we cannot change it, Severus," said Albus, putting the tips of his long fingers together in that annoyingly superior way. "I only learned of it when dear Dolores asked me who had visited you in your quarters the other night …"

Severus stopped dead and turned slowly to face him. "My private living room fire? She observes my living room fire?" he growled, trying to control himself.

"May I ask who it was, Severus? I don't know you to open your fire to visitors," smiled Albus with a shrewd look in his eyes. Severus glared.

"Remus," he snarled irritably.

"Lupin?" asked Albus his smile broadening. Severus wanted to strangle him.

"You know that very well," replied Severus trying hard not to jump at his throat. "Though I don't know what business of yours it is, or of hers for that matter."

"None at all," said Albus pleasantly. "And I told dear Dolores that you are authorised to have visitors. I was merely curious."

"Great," snapped Severus, "I hope that you are satisfied now. And maybe you could tell Remus that his Potion will not find its way to him this month. After all she is also watching the owls and knowing his luck, the Potion wouldn't survive the transportation anyway."

"Calm down Severus, if you want I can have Fawkes take it to Grimmauld Place," said Albus looking at the ceiling. "And since I will be there sometimes anyway I can take it along."

Severus huffed. He accepted the offer but stayed angry. The Wolfsbane was already simmering below and he had to admit he had been looking forward to seeing Remus. Now he felt like a naughty child, confined to his room and not allowed any fun at all. He snorted at himself. Fun. He was talking about fun.

"She almost caught Sirius in the Gryffindor common room fire. It was very close. I believe he wanted to congratulate Harry on founding an anti-Umbridge association," said Albus calmly, though Severus knew that it was more serious than he was letting on.

"His very own Order?" sneered Severus, utterly pleased to have a reason to talk badly of Potter. "You see how arrogant he is? He cannot leave it to people who are able and know what they're doing. He needs to command a group of naïve students to their downfall. And endangers everything we work for!"

Albus smiled at him as he usually did when Potter was the subject of Severus's ranting. "He is Harry Potter. He just wants to make sure his friends are prepared. It is similar to your brewing the Wolfsbane and smuggling it and yourself out of the castle without telling anyone."

Severus grumbled a little but made no answer. He slouched downstairs to tend to the Potion and shot everyone who crossed his path a venomous look. He met McGonagall in the Entrance Hall and she looked quite as angry as he felt.

"Severus!" she barked and he couldn't help feeling like he had done something wrong.

"What?" he growled. He was sure they looked like two bull dogs circling each other.

"Did Umbridge give your team permission to play again?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Yes," he said slowly, and McGonagall's face turned, if possible, even darker.

"Well, she hasn't given her consent to the reforming of mine," she snarled through clenched teeth. Severus smirked. He couldn't help it.

"So, Gryffindor is unlucky this year? Such a pity," he said silkily and inclined his head before descending into the dungeons, knowing that McGonagall was cursing him under her breath. Of course she went to Albus with the matter and in no time her team had reformed and Severus had to admit he was on McGonagall's side when he saw Umbridge's indignation.

Albus conveyed Remus's 'warmest thanks' to Severus every day of the following week but it was no comfort to Severus at all. He just grumbled in reply and shot Albus and Umbridge poisonous looks over the breakfast table on the day after the full moon. His arm was killing him. He caught himself wanting Lucius and Avery to finally get it over with and send the Unspeakable they had chosen into the Department of Mysteries. According to Albus it wouldn't endanger the prophecy anyway.

Severus was so irritated that he felt a malicious glee when his Slytherins started the preparations for the first Quidditch match of the season, meaning they started hexing Gryffindor students rather shamelessly. Of course McGonagall reminded him that ever since Potter had joined her team Gryffindor hadn't lost to Slytherin anymore. Severus reminded her in turn that they only won the Quidditch cup for her once, making his team the much more successful one. They usually ended their arguments with a 'may the better team win' that Severus commented with 'and that will be Slytherin'. But, really, his hopes were not very high. So he thought booking the Quidditch pitch so often that there was barely an opportunity left for the Gryffindors to use it, was rather a clever move.

Of course McGonagall always scolded him when one of her team members had been hexed once again by one of his, but he knew better than to admit the truth in front of her. He staunchly denied that his students did anything of the sort. Admittedly, the incident with Spinnet's eyebrows growing like Hagrid's beard had been hard to deny, what with the fourteen Gryffindors shrieking at him that they had seen Bletchley, the Slytherin Keeper, jinx her from behind in the library. He stood his ground, however, and ignored them as he told Madam Pomfrey that Spinnet had most likely attempted a Hair-thickening Charm on herself. He didn't even smirk and found himself rather convincing. Yes, he did smirk later, on his way out.

There was one thing, though, that cheered him up more than hexes disfiguring Gryffindors. Albus gave him a folded slip of parchment at the end of October, swearing that he hadn't read it but that he authorised any trip outside of Hogwarts that Severus wanted to take after he'd read it. Severus glowered at him for violating the privacy of letters and turned on his heel to retreat to his office. When he opened the parchment he immediately recognised the untidy scrawl as Remus's.

_Severus,_

_Friday night, eight o'clock, the Hog's Head?  
A personal thank you is in order._

_R._

He threw the parchment into the fire and started looking forward to that personal thank you. When Severus entered the Hog's Head on Friday, there was no one there but a man at the bar and the landlord, talking rather briskly together. Severus stepped closer as the landlord retreated into the backroom. He cleared his throat and Remus turned round with a wide smile, looking healthy and happy and simply radiant as he jumped up to throw himself at Severus which he only dared do because there were no onlookers. Severus's breath was knocked out of his lungs and he couldn't defend himself for a few seconds in which Remus pulled him to the bar.

"Punctual as usual, Severus," said Remus and Severus hoped that it was his arrival that made Remus so happy. "I was just catching up with Aberforth. He hasn't changed at all."

Severus looked at the door Albus's brother had disappeared through and felt slightly uncomfortable. Aberforth didn't think much of him. Of course not. He had caught Severus eavesdropping on Albus and Trelawney all those years ago and thrown him out rather unceremoniously. Severus had always avoided the Hog's Head in the past fourteen years. He didn't like to meet Aberforth and Aberforth didn't like to meet him. He was very different from his elder brother. But Severus thought he had good reason to mistrust the Death Eater he had caught eavesdropping like a petty spy – which Severus had been. Severus would have to endure his scathing looks tonight, though. This was the only place where he could meet Remus without causing them both trouble.

"Well, I'm glad you've been enjoying yourself," said Severus quietly, one eye on the door, one on Remus. "I doubt that he is very pleased about my presence here."

Remus shrugged and sipped his Butterbeer. "He said he doesn't approve of you … but then again, not many people do, do they?" Remus gave him an apologetic smile. "I do, though."

"Then I can rest my mind," smirked Severus and started slightly when Remus laid his hand on his thigh.

"We are alone," smiled Remus and indeed his sweet smile was much nicer to behold than Umbridge's. It was relieving to see Remus again after such a long time. Severus ran his fingers over Remus's cheek and the werewolf chuckled. "You look at me as if you were seeing me for the first time."

"Oh," said Severus jerkily, "if you don't want me to look at you, you should perhaps not invite me to –"

"A date?" interrupted Remus and couldn't hold back a laugh when Severus gave him a scandalised look. "I didn't mean it like that. You are always so sensitive."

"You are the second person to tell me that," muttered Severus, drumming his fingers on the counter. "So I don't get anything to drink?"

"What would you like?" asked Remus, slipping off his chair and walking behind the counter. "Butterbeer? Or Firewhiskey … or … well, I don't know what's in the other bottles so I think it'll be Butterbeer."

Severus didn't complain and took the dusty bottle from Remus after he had opened it. Remus returned to his seat. "I'm sorry because of my visit. I didn't know your fire was being watched," said Remus, frowning slightly.

"Nor did I," said Severus. "She is the incorporate impertinence. She called you a senseless half-breed, the other day before my inspection." And I wish I could have skinned her alive for it, thought Severus but didn't say. Maybe he should have said it.

"Well," said Remus looking at his hands, "I'm not the only one she labels like that. She is …" he sighed, waving his hand as if to chase away an annoying fly. "So you've been inspected? How was it?"

Severus shrugged and took a draught of the much too sweet Butterbeer. "Unspectacular," said he, fully aware of the fact that Remus would not be satisfied by that. "She questioned my students, she questioned me, asked some inappropriate questions about why Dumbledore didn't appoint me for DADA, and she approved of my bullying Potter, I'm sure." Remus gave him a scolding look that he answered with a sneer. "Well, she told me she found my method of winning the students' – ah – respect by scaring them to death rather agreeable. I think I passed, but I'm still waiting for her results. She gives out a paper with her signature and the marks you receive. Ridiculous. Minerva passed but she got a bad report."

Remus laughed. "Oh, you must read your report out to me when you get it."

"Surely not … but it could still be that she throws me out for my Death Eater background," replied Severus, taking great interest in his fingernails.

"Lucius Malfoy is a Death Eater and the Ministry approves of him," said Remus encouragingly. "So I wouldn't worry."

"But Albus is close to me and I am no rich benefactor of the Ministry so there is a huge difference between him and me."

"Luckily," said Remus, making Severus smirk as he took his hand. "And should you be thrown out of Hogwarts there's always my place to come to."

"Tempting," said Severus softly and regretted they were in a pub and not at home. Remus didn't seem to see that as a difficulty. He kissed Severus rather unexpectedly and it felt like finding water in a desert. "What if he comes in?" hissed Severus jerking his head towards the door when Remus released him.

"He promised me two hours," said Remus and broke out laughing immediately afterwards. "Oh, that sounded as if I had asked my brother to keep my parents away from my room long enough for a romantic meeting."

Severus rubbed his neck and cleared his throat. "You didn't tell him about … um …" Severus trailed off helplessly and scowled.

"Of course not," assured Remus. There was a short silence between them before Remus spoke again. "Thank you for the Wolfsbane. Though I was disappointed that I couldn't see you. I miss you."

Severus looked at him and ached to touch him, wished he could wake up beside him every day like he had used to. "I wanted to come, but I was treated like a naughty teenager."

Remus smiled slightly at that. "Like Sirius."

"Him again!" snapped Severus. "Can't we have a conversation without talking about him?"

"I'm sorry, Severus," said Remus, trying to placate him by running his hand up and down Severus's arm. "I just see him all the time and he keeps wandering through my mind." That only made Severus angrier. He hated the idea that Remus spent all this time that they couldn't see each other with Black. No matter if he was competition or not.

Remus seemed to notice Severus's anger and tried to make him embrace him. Severus was reluctant. Just because he wanted to punish Remus for thinking about Black while he was with him. How silly he was. How squandering with the time he had with Remus. He gave in to Remus's tugging and laid his chin on the werewolf's shoulder, holding him round the waist with his left arm whose prickling he barely felt now.

"I don't like this stupid situation, either, Severus, but at least we can meet sometimes. And in the holidays you might get away from here for a few days," said Remus in his undying optimism. Severus huffed and straightened up, emptying his Butterbeer bottle. Remus looked sad and it felt as if his face were mirroring what Severus was feeling.

"My arm is bothering me," said Severus, holding it up. He felt like talking about something important. He felt like making Remus think about him instead of Black. "It's been prickling for days on end. Lucius is still not talking to me, so I cannot tell if it's his fault."

Remus pressed Severus's arm against his chest. "Are you worried?" he asked and Severus heard in his voice that _he_ was worried.

"I wouldn't say that," said Severus. "Anxious, maybe."

"Are you scared when you receive a call?" Remus looked at him rather intently. Severus felt himself reminded of the way Remus had always looked through him during his year at Hogwarts. But there were things even he couldn't fathom and maybe he had doubts about his own ability to read Severus.

"Yes," said Severus truthfully, "but when I face him these days I can forget the fear. He doesn't kill me for no reason and he is so arrogant that he actually believes I would never be able to deceive him. The only thing that can still happen is that his wand sits loosely in his hand and a Cruciatus is at the tip of it. But as long as he is not displeased with me there is no reason to fear that."

Remus had a strange look of admiration on his face that made Severus uncomfortable. Remus had said that he admired him, but Severus hadn't actually seen it in his eyes, now he did. "No other man would ever intentionally face Voldemort, and if forced to, most would run," he said and Severus ignored, as many times before, that he still used the name so casually. "You are so brave you must be a secret Gryffindor." He smiled when he said it and Severus thought they had finally left the worry behind.

"Don't insult me like that," sneered he. "You have taken to insulting me every time we meet."

"Forgive me," chuckled Remus, running his hand over Severus's forearm. He went quiet for a while and Severus watched with regret that his brow creased again. "You aren't scared to die then?"

Severus sighed heavily, not having expected anything quite so grave. "I don't know," he replied. "I don't know what there is to be scared of …"

"Losing what you have in life," said Remus quietly. "Isn't that what people fear when they think of death? 'I still have so much I want to do' or 'I still want to live with my loved ones' … surely you don't have to be scared of what comes afterwards?"

Severus smiled at him and Remus gave him a rather startled look. "Maybe you don't have to be scared. When you die you will go somewhere nice, somewhere kind people go to. If there is an afterwards."

"Well, there are ghosts, so there is an afterlife," explained Remus with the air of someone who was an expert on the field of ghosts and the beyond.

"If that's so," said Severus. "But I'm not going where you are going. I will go where cruel people go."

"No, you have changed, and who you are when you die is what determines where you go, not who you were sometime in your life," Remus insisted and Severus liked to imagine it was because he found the afterlife unattractive if Severus wasn't there as well.

"Maybe I won't find the way …" he said. "Maybe all the Gryffindors will block my way."

"According to you, I will be there," shrugged Remus and their conversation seemed to be going into the direction of talking about a day trip to France.

"So you will show me the way?" asked Severus mockingly. "You will guide me into the light?"

"Yes," said Remus firmly and smiled radiantly. "I'm scandalised that you doubt it. If you arrive first, just wait for me. If I arrive first, I will come for you."

Severus snorted. "You talk about it as if it were some kind of train station."

"Could be," said Remus thoughtfully. "Why not? You leave one station and take the train to the next one."

"By train you mean death?"

"I mean whatever causes it. Oh, this is a strange topic," chuckled Remus, shaking his head. "I think what would hold me in life would be that I still want to spent many more hours with you."

Severus looked at the dusty counter, slightly embarrassed. An hour had already passed. One of the two they had been promised. Severus didn't like it when time flew like this. He wanted to stop time, slow it down. Spend hundreds of years in this pub with Remus because wherever Remus was Severus wanted to be. But he had realised painfully that the time with Remus seemed like mere seconds even though it felt as if they had known each other for centuries, and the time without him seemed like eons. If that was the price for pleasure Severus thought pleasure was very expensive, and time was a git.

Suddenly, Remus's lips touched his ear and Severus felt goose bumps erupting on his skin. Warm breath on his skin, gentle fingers on his arm, husky voice in his ear. "I'd like more than two hours. We could … take a room." He sounded less embarrassed than Severus knew he must be feeling. Severus was sure there was that sheepish smile on his lips right now, on those lips that spread heat through Severus's body from where they touched him.

"Here?" asked he and his treacherous voice almost failed him. Remus nodded against his cheek. "That's … that's out of the question," said Severus for the thought of taking a room in the Hog's Head seemed wrong in so many ways. Remus put his forehead against Severus's temple. Severus's heartbeat had quickened considerably and he hated his body for making it so hard on him. He tried to keep his breathing regular and deep.

"I suppose you are right," sighed Remus and seemed to be giving up on spending the night with Severus. But that was the last thing Severus wanted. "Another time, then …"

"No," said Severus softly, not daring to touch Remus more than necessary. "I meant … just not _here_ …"

"Oh," said Remus, sounding hopeful, "but where?"

Severus looked round at him and liked the way Remus's eyes reflected the dim light of the torches. He felt reckless. He felt like renewing Remus's scent on the sheets of his bed that had been cold for too long. And like waking up together where they had woken up so many times in the past. He reached into his pocket and slammed a few sickles down on the counter as he rose from his chair. It was time to do what Albus had accused him of.

"I'll smuggle you in."


	17. Never Change

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: As promised I updated early ;). Thanks again for your reviews. Something else: I read Virginia Woolf, loved her and found that her favourite word is perpetual ;). I recommend "The Mark On The Wall" and "Monday or Tuesday". Brilliant!**  
**

Emily: So glad you left a review again I thought I had lost you ;). I will update at Christmas too so there will be a real Christmas present for you :D.

Madam: I was thinking of the same moment when I thought up the scene in the staircase :) I believe the whole of GoF was hard for Severus ...

**Never Change**

It was an inappropriate pleasure but Severus had paid the price of horribly long lonely days for it and therefore he failed to feel guilty. Remus had been unable to suppress his hoarse chuckles on their stealthy way into the castle, through the darkness, right under Umbridge's nose, without the slightest plan of getting him out of the castle again in the morning. As he had bumped into Severus's back behind a corner, stopping dead to let Flitwick pass them, he had whispered into Severus's ear that he found it all rather exciting. Though the amusement had been audible in his voice Severus knew he had meant it. He had felt it in his body, later, when the bedroom lights had been dimmed and there were no more chuckles and no more words.

He didn't open his eyes at first when he woke rather slowly on Saturday morning to the voices of his Quidditch team on the pitch, carried to his window by the wind. His face was buried in Remus's hair and his torso pressed against Remus's back, making it hard to find a reason to get up. Remus's slow breathing and slackened grip on Severus's arm round his waist told Severus that he was still sleeping. Severus opened his eyes and shifted a little to look round. He pressed his lips to Remus's bare shoulder, making him stir.

"I'll go and have breakfast, and I'll order a house-elf to bring you something," he said quietly as he forced himself to get out of bed and pull his arm from Remus's suddenly iron grip. "Let go, I need to show myself up there. Or do you want Umbridge to force her way in here and arrest you for evilly seducing an honest citizen?"

Remus snorted and released Severus reluctantly. "I'll stay in bed then," mumbled he with a tired smile and buried himself in the sheets. Severus noticed Umbridge's eyes on him during breakfast but ignored her stoically. Albus didn't say anything to him either but gave him a pleasant smile when he walked past. Severus had some uncomfortable notion that Albus knew, once again, far more than he should. When Severus returned to his bedroom, Remus was sitting up in bed over a tray of breakfast and a sheet of paper in his hand that seemed to amuse him. He looked at Severus when he sat down beside him and held out the paper.

"Your report has arrived," said he trying to keep a straight face. "You will get some nice gift for your good performance."

Severus snatched it away from him with a deathly glare and looked down at the disgustingly pink sheet. For a moment he thought Umbridge had sent him the wrong results. Exemplary teaching, high standard, competent advice for students, appropriate punishment … the only thing that seemed to be referring to him was: good control over the students. Remus was close to giggling now.

Severus shot him another glare that made him choke on his toast with laughter. There was a comment above the big red PASSED that had been written on the bottom. It said that the questionable background of Professor Severus Snape had been overlooked on personal recommendation of Lucius Malfoy. Furthermore Hogwarts could count itself fortunate to have its hands on a Potions master like him. Severus crumpled up the paper and tossed it across the room against the wall. Now he needed Lucius's recommendation to maintain his position? Surely the arrogant git would expect a payback for that small self-sufficient service.

"Valuable friend, Lucius," said Remus while he was poking his fried egg.

"Oh, shut up," snapped Severus and rolled his eyes at himself. "I didn't ask him to do that."

"I know, I know," replied Remus, smiling at his egg. He laid his hand on Severus's arm and finished his breakfast in silence.

"I thought you could wait until tonight before you leave," said Severus later as Remus was getting dressed. "I can accompany you to the gates and you can Apparate home."

Remus gave him a knowing smile, raising his eyebrows. "I shouldn't have come here at all," he said, his voice slightly guilty. "We are causing Albus trouble. That is one ungrateful action to add to the long list I already have."

"Oh, please," sneered Severus, letting Remus pass him into the living-room. "Don't tell me you would have preferred Aberforth's pub. Might have some Marauder flair but I believe you quite enjoyed our trip into the castle."

"And everything that followed," grinned Remus, slumping down on the sofa. "No, it's just me feeling responsible for causing other people trouble."

"Regretful that even though you spend so much time with Severus he still doesn't share that feeling," said Albus's voice from behind them and Severus felt immediately caught in the act. He turned slowly round to find Albus in the doorway to his lab. He was smiling, fortunately, but his blue eyes were fixed so intently on Severus that it made him uneasy.

"No privacy at all," growled Severus. "My fire's being watched, my background is inspected and my employer intrudes into my private rooms without knocking."

Remus had got up rather hastily and looked so guilty and embarrassed that Severus almost wanted to place himself in front of him as a shield. But his being there was already enough of a give-away of things Albus had no business knowing. Though Severus was sure that he already had a shrewd idea.

"Remus can stay as long as he want, now that he is here," said Albus, ignoring Severus's comment. "But I will enable Apparation in this room so we do not run the risk that Remus is sighted."

Remus looked at the floor and said nothing. Severus crossed his arms with an indignant huff. "Is that all?" he asked irritably.

"I assume that you will brew the Wolfsbane for Remus in November?" said Albus. "Then you will want to deliver it yourself. I will make it possible."

He gave Remus a warm smile and left Severus fuming with he didn't know what. "Great!" he exclaimed, turning to Remus. "He's always so –"

"Understanding?" supplied Remus, running a hand through his hair. "That was rather awkward."

Severus shrugged, ramming his hands into his pockets and staring out of the window. He felt like a teenager, caught in the act of a romantic adventure by his parents. But it had been worth it. He still felt his werewolf on his skin. He still heard his werewolf's hoarse voice in his ears. Could still smell his werewolf's scent on himself. Life could be so pleasant. Who cared if Albus was aware of it? While Severus was wondering whether people might think better of him if they knew that Remus loved him, Remus joined him at the window, laying a hand into the crook of his arm. "You know you are the only one I can touch like this?"

"I would advise you to maintain it that way," said Severus smirking slightly. "I have the tendency to get very jealous."

"I know," Remus chuckled huskily and Severus shivered. For a moment it felt as if everything was well. Just for a moment.

The Quidditch match everyone had been anticipating went disastrous. Not only did McGonagall shoot Severus angry looks for the song his students had composed to demoralise Weasley, but of course Potter snatched the Snitch away from Draco just before his nose. On the ground a fist fight followed that had Hooch sending George Weasley and Potter up to the castle. Before McGonagall followed them she told Severus off for the song to which he just waved his hand to indicate he couldn't help it. But he knew he had to do something about Malfoy who had been involved in the fight. He walked towards him and pulled him unceremoniously to his feet by his arm, taking out his wand to mend his bleeding nose.

"There Malfoy," he snapped as Malfoy touched his nose tentatively, still holding his stomach where Potter had punched him. "You remind me of your father. Stop whimpering, if you cannot reap what you sow you had better think twice before sowing." Malfoy looked up at him petulantly but said nothing. "Now, up to the Hospital Wing, let Madam Pomfrey give you something for your stomach. Crabbe, accompany him."

He watched them slouching towards the castle and walked into the opposite direction, the Wolfsbane in his pocket. Luckily he had seen Umbridge follow McGonagall and was certain she would not miss him for a while. He passed through the gates and Apparated, his hand pressed to his pocket, to Grimmauld Place. He was met by quite an unusual sight when he entered the kitchen. Remus, Black, Moody and Shacklebolt were all gathered round the kitchen table behind which sat, occupying three chairs, a rather bloodied Hagrid, having finally returned from his trip to the giants. They were talking excitedly together and when he cleared his throat they all looked up at him with surprised expressions.

"Ah, Severus, how was the match?" asked Remus pleasantly, getting up and walking towards him. Severus glared at him.

"We lost," he snarled and shot Black a poisonous look when he dared laugh at him.

"Oh, I'm sorry," said Remus and took the Potion from Severus with a smile.

"Well, at least I have one satisfaction from it," said Severus silkily, looking at Black who was smirking at him. "Potter punched Malfoy after the game and will most likely be severely punished for it."

"He did what?" said Remus, almost choking on his Potion.

"Hah! That's my boy!" exclaimed Black and Remus shot him a scolding glance.

"That's nothing to be proud of, Sirius," he said coolly, giving Severus back the phial. Black merely shrugged but said nothing. A well-trained dog, wasn't he?

"I see you have returned from your task, Hagrid," said Severus, taking in Hagrid's mutilated appearance. "Successful?"

Hagrid gave him a grave look. "'fraid not, Professor Snape," he replied quietly. "Would almost have done it, but then there came Death Eaters."

"I'm sure I will hear of their results," said Severus nodding.

"I'm sure you will," growled Moody. "If you haven't already."

"What do you want to imply?"snarled Severus, not looking at him. He hated him. _Hated_ him!

"Implying that you are a lying turncoat!"

"Stop that!" said Remus firmly, an unusually stern look on his face. "I think it is time to suppress our urge to insult each other and finally accept that we are on the same side." He shot Moody a warning look and not even Black dared say anything. Remus turned to Severus and sighed. "Thank you for the Potion, Severus, I owe you as usual. I'll accompany you to the door, for I can comprehend that you have no wish to stay in this company."

He led the way upstairs and Severus inclined his head to Hagrid, who waved a bandaged hand at him, and let his eyes pass over the other three lingering on Shacklebolt who hadn't spoken a word and was now looking at Remus. Severus narrowed his eyes and turned in a swirl of robes to follow Remus.

The werewolf leant against the wall beside the front door with a heavy sigh and waited for Severus to catch up with him. Severus glanced over his shoulder before putting his hands against the wall on either side of Remus's waist. "Charming of you to defend me like that," he said and Remus raised his head to kiss him.

"I have to placate people all the time and I'm tired of it. I would ask you to stay but I know you can't," he muttered wearily. Then after a pause he added, "You've changed."

Severus pushed himself off the wall and scowled at Remus. "I suppose there will be an Order meeting for Hagrid's return, I will have Fawkes bring you the Potion for the rest of the week." Remus nodded and shrugged, then seemed to be disliking himself and stepped forward to put his arms round Severus's waist and his face into his shoulder. Severus stiffened and cleared his throat. "I think I can look in after the full moon," he offered and Remus chuckled.

"You are too kind, Sev'rus," he mumbled into the fabric of Severus's robes. "I guess I will see you at the meeting, then … and keep in touch."

He kissed him again and opened the front door to let him out. Severus managed to enter the grounds without being detected but he was unhappier than ever. A lost game, an encounter with Moody and Black, a disgruntled Remus and a kiss that had felt wrong. He noticed it, now, that he had time to think about it. It bothered him. It had been different from the way Remus usually kissed him. Severus couldn't stop thinking about it. Had he changed so much, after all? Had he changed too much for Remus? Or maybe too little? He kept racking his brain about it, not keeping in touch after all, until Monday evening when Albus, McGonagall and he traveled to Grimmauld Place with Hagrid. Severus passed Remus the Wolfsbane as he met him at the foot of the stairs to the kitchen.

"You look horrible," said Severus when the light of the kitchen fire fell onto Remus's face. There were dark rings under his eyes and his face was paler even than Severus's. He smiled weakly and sipped the Potion so slowly that Severus thought he might not be finished by Christmas. Remus managed to fall into a chair rather gracefully and continued sipping, wrinkling his nose. Severus sat down beside him, earning a smile from Remus and a glare from Tonks and Black, quite sure about which he valued more.

"I'm having a bad week," croaked Remus. "Haven't slept since Saturday."

Severus looked at him closely. "Why?" he asked simply and Remus chuckled hoarsely, cupping Severus's folded hands on the table with his own in an impulsive moment that he overcame quickly as he remembered they were not alone. He withdrew his hand and put it on Severus's thigh instead, smiling sheepishly.

"I have such full moons sometimes," he shrugged. "It doesn't have anything to do with the Potion," he added reassuringly, toasting to Severus before he gulped down the rest of the Wolfsbane.

"Of course it doesn't," said Severus haughtily, raising his head to look down at Remus. "It is as good as it will get."

Remus smiled radiantly at him, startling him out of his defensive defiance. "I'm sure it is perfect," he agreed, pushing the glass phial back to Severus. "I thank you."

Severus stowed the phial away in his robes and drummed his fingers on the table. "If I don't invent anything worthwhile then I can at least perfect those that were invented by others."

"Just as important," said Remus, his voice still not quite obeying him.

"Not quite," replied Severus softly, entirely dissatisfied with himself. "But at least I can be sure that it is not my Potion that causes you insomnia. It must be one of your strange quirks."

Remus smiled that same smile once more and Severus felt slightly confused. He didn't know what to make of it and lowered his eyes, embarrassed with the way Remus's eyes gleamed at him and aware of the looks of the Order members in their vicinity, even though he might just be imagining things. "I have many of those," said Remus, looking slightly better than he had when Severus had arrived. Remus's hand moved to Severus's knee, making him shiver uncontrollably, before the werewolf withdrew it to fold his hands on the table beside Severus's.

Albus got up and everyone fell silent. Hagrid's account of what had happened was like an adventurous novel. Severus, who had since talked to Macnair, had worse news still. The giants had agreed to help the Dark Lord should he call, to fight down wizardkind and in exchange for certain presents and privileges. Everyone sitting at the long table looked grave after such news. After months of futile attempts to win over the giants the Dark Lord had triumphed again.

And another thing was urgent. The next attempt to retrieve the prophecy was about to be launched, the Unspeakable had already been chosen and it could occur every day now. Severus had to admit that he didn't know when, since Lucius kept everything secret not just from Severus but from everyone but the Dark Lord, who quite approved of that. Severus recommended to be wary of every Unspeakable passing, night and day. Albus didn't seem overly concerned. Severus thought he made the impression of having all the time in the world.

"As long as Albus isn't too worried …" muttered Remus, giving Severus a sidelong glance. Severus didn't answer. He wondered if Albus was perhaps feeling a little too safe. When Albus closed the meeting, Severus felt reluctant to leave. He glanced up the stairs to the first floor wistfully as Remus ascended them and looked round for a few moments before he gave in to his less disciplined half once again, stealing upstairs where Remus, knowing as he had always been, was leaning against the banister, waiting for him. Severus felt petulant for a moment, scowling at the werewolf for expecting him to follow him like a love-sick teenager would follow his crush. But then again, Severus thought, looking Remus over as he stood there gazing up at him with those tranquil eyes and that silent smile, he did love him. Remus must know. The way he considered him told of it. The way he was waiting, anticipating Severus, his hands on the banister, unmoving.

"Have you lost your voice?" sneered Severus, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall opposite of Remus. "Or do I have to tell you the password?"

Remus's smile widened. "Now that's better," he rasped, sounding almost as if his voice would soon leave him to go on vacation. "I don't like it when you hold back. You've been so reserved lately, as if you were afraid to say something wrong," he paused and chuckled, "Even though you always said all the wrong things, and it never bothered me."

Severus glared at him. He knew that he had never chosen the right words, he didn't need to be reminded of it. Remus had once said that words didn't matter. But that wasn't entirely true, there were some words Remus would like to hear and Severus was unwilling to say. Or unable. Remus's smile changed into a slightly sad one.

"Severus, I don't want you to believe that you have to change into a better person for me. I always appreciated you the way you were and despite everything that happened between us, despite the pain and the differences, I won't leave you just because you call me a stupid, puppy-eyed flee-magnet."

Severus stared at him, speechless, helpless, aware of the fact that Remus had detected his fear merely by looking at his reserved behaviour, that differed so much from his usual self. Severus knitted his brows and continued staring. He had tried to improve. He had held back. He had obviously displeased Remus by doing so. He was at his wit's end. He had believed that Remus would expect him to make an effort and become someone less vicious – for he had not the slightest right to snap at Remus, insult him, or maltreat him in any other way after everything he had already been forgiven – someone who showed his affection more openly – though that was highly difficult as Severus just couldn't get out of his own way. Now Remus told him he wanted the Severus who had bound him, hurt him, offended him, threatened him with the Dementors and spilled his best-kept secret before accusing him of betrayal and deception and throwing him out of his life and his vicinity. Severus was at a loss indeed. Then he became angry.

"That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" said Severus and noticed that, indeed, this was the first time he actually spoke his mind instead of behaving like he feared the consequences of his words. Speaking freely felt liberating and though he knew that Remus must have felt that restraint in him he went on, "The man I was when you were at Hogwarts was the reason you had to leave it. You and I broke apart because I was myself and now you want me to be like that all over again? How do you know it won't end like it did before? Or do you not care?"

"Of course I care," said Remus calmly, flicking his hair out of his eyes. "Of course I know that you think it was all your fault and that your character is the reason why we didn't work out the first time around. But that isn't the whole truth. I had an equally big part in it and gave you enough reason to react like you did. In truth I feel just as ashamed as you." He stopped and looked at the ceiling, apparently thinking about how to go on. Severus waited until he was ready, struck speechless once again by the confession that the werewolf felt ashamed for something Severus had overreacted to. "The point is, I do not want a Severus Snape who's restrained by doubts and fear. I don't want you to be different, I want you to be the man you were when we met, vicious and fierce and rude and passionate. I am flattered and thankful that you were considerate enough to think twice about what you say or do but it is not necessary and it doesn't make me happy. So please, just don't hold anything back. On the risk that we end up separate once again, let the time we have together be real and true instead of falsely careful." He smiled when Severus still didn't speak, his mouth too dry, his mind too chaotic to form a coherent sentence. "One change you may keep though … I quite like your new-found initiative when words aren't needed."

Severus knew what he meant even though he was too decent to say it out loud. And Severus was too bashful. He swallowed and his fingers twitched. "I don't want to miss anything," he said almost as hoarsely as Remus whose voice was more loyal than Severus's. _I've missed enough already, not only with you. This is not the first time. I'm sick of missing what I want to have and watch others have it. Not this time._ "So much has already been lost. So much time wasted for nothing."

"That's what I meant," smiled Remus, nodding. "I don't want to lose the rest to your scruples. I cannot change and you can't, either, and if you are honest with yourself you don't want us to."

Severus closed the distance between them, putting his hands on the banister beside Remus's, and let their bodies touch very slightly, their faces only an inch apart. He breathed in Remus's sweet scent and felt his warmth and Remus's lips brushing against his as the werewolf proved less patient than Severus after all. "You wouldn't be the man I want if you weren't the silly, puppy-eyed flee-magnet you are," whispered Severus against Remus's lips and his ears rejoiced at the husky laugh he produced.

"Well, then I suggest I stay that and you return to your snarky, sarcastic self. I would appreciate it," said Remus and they were both unaware of their exposed position on the landing when their lips met again. It was only when they heard footsteps ascending the stairs that they broke apart and Severus stepped away from Remus just in time. Black's face came into view out of the thick darkness, stopping immediately when he noticed Severus. Remus touched Severus's shoulder, causing him to start down the stairs.

"I will send the last doses by Fawkes," he said over his shoulder and Remus nodded, thanking him again. As he passed Black on the stairs they glared, trying to set fire to each other by mere will power.

"Gives you a kick to remind him that he depends on you, doesn't it?" snarled Black, seeking trouble once again. Severus stopped dead but didn't turn. He knew he could anger Black most by reacting calmly.

"How little you know me, Black," he replied softly. "How little you know your so-called best friend."

As he continued downstairs he heard a scuttle and a scraping and a little quarrel and he knew Remus had held Black back from throwing himself at Severus's throat. Severus met McGonagall, Albus and Hagrid at the front door and they left together to sneak into their home past Umbridge's alert eyes.


	18. Plans

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: I had a busy week and forgot to update yesterday, sorry :). Thanks for all the great reviews. The storline is moving on in this chapter, some Voldemort some Albus and Minerva ... and very much Remus.**  
**

**Plans**

Severus had to admit that he hadn't been expecting it. His arm seared quite suddenly while he was dozing on the sofa and it yanked him so abruptly out of his dream state that he didn't know at first what was going on. He composed himself when he was fully awake and made sure he had his wand before he left his rooms, the castle and the grounds to Apparate to the Dark Lord's side. When he swirled into place in the circle he was the last as usual and greeted by faces that looked as tired as he was and as anxious as he felt.

Severus started slightly when the Dark Lord emerged at his shoulder, stepping into the circle noiselessly. All eyes turned first on him, then quickly to the ground. Severus didn't need to look up at him to know that he was in a very dangerous mood. His voice was icier than usual when he spoke and his wand twirled between his fingers.

"Once again, Avery and Lucius have failed to acquire the prophecy for me," he whispered, but it seemed so loud in the silent circle that Severus felt his eardrums drone. "It seems none of you realise how crucial this prophecy is to my plan. How crucial it is to Harry Potter's demise. And to your well-being."

A shudder went through the circle, Severus could make out Lucius's pointed face under his hood opposite him. He was biting his lip, his fists were shaking. Severus wondered what had happened. The Dark Lord stepped forward into the middle of the circle, his robes whispering on the ground.

"Apparently Avery has made a mistake. Though I cannot yet be sure … our tool, Bode, was taken to St. Mungo's after Lucius forced him to touch the prophecy. Nobody knows why. At least nobody we have access to." He paused and let his wand wander cruelly into Lucius and Avery's direction. The both of them fidgeted and the Dark Lord's lipless mouth curled into a cold smile. "I didn't want to resort to such measures just yet but, alas, the friends I have gathered round me have disappointed me. I will make an attempt of my own. Should I fail you will soon be joined by your fellows who weren't so lucky to escape the law. May they prove themselves worthy of the efforts we have to make to free them."

Severus felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. An attempt of his own? Hadn't Albus said that that was exactly what was necessary to acquire the prophecy? And in the improbable case that that didn't work, the remaining Death Eaters in Azkaban would be freed, nobody could do anything about that. The Ministry would ignore every warning, according to Remus the Dementors were only waiting for the Dark Lord's call and if the Dark Lord wanted something, thwarting him was extremely difficult.

"Even though Dumbledore is unable to act or protect the prophecy with more than a mediocre guard in front of a little defended door, we have not yet been able to get past him. But that will change, if you are incapable of serving your master, your master will show you how to succeed."

He directed his wand once more at Lucius and Avery, let it wander between them and decided to let it sink. Severus could see them both sagging with relief. But he knew that at least one of them still had to fear punishment. "Avery has been of little use," the Dark Lord hissed and did direct his wand at Avery, after all, sending him to the ground with a lazy "_Crucio_", where he writhed at Lucius's feet, yelling in pain. Severus averted his eyes like many others while the rest stared at Avery in transfixed horror, fear or simple glee. Finally, the Dark Lord redeemed Avery and continued as if nothing had happened, ignoring Avery's anguished panting. "After all, we will need Rookwood to clear the matter up. And I think we all remember who took him from our midst. Macnair, have you any news on Igor?"

"No, my Lord, he seems to have escaped once again."

"Pity," said the Dark Lord, his red eyes wandering from face to face. "But at least we have the giants to thank you for, Macnair, we have the giants, the Dementors and as soon as I call we will have the werewolves … that is, except for the one Dumbledore tamed. Keep this in mind, it should be a motivation for better work, should you fail, Dumbledore will have your sons and daughters mate with werewolves and Mudbloods and the rest of the lot no doubt."

Severus almost ripped his robes when he tore at the buttons and clasps furiously. He wanted to get out of those robes that had been touched by that swine. He didn't even notice that Albus was approaching him from behind, having entered Severus's rooms without permission once again. Severus tossed his robes to the ground, pulling his cravat from his neck, panting and angry.

"What happened, Severus?" asked Albus and Severus whirled round, turning immediately furious at Albus for sneaking up on him once again.

"If you don't stop entering my rooms unasked I will one day curse you into oblivion," exploded Severus, quite unable to suppress the emotions he had been pushing into the darkest corner of his body during the last hour.

"Forgive me, Severus," said Albus quietly. "Tell me what happened."

Severus took several deep breaths, opening the upper buttons of his shirt. "The Dark Lord failed to acquire it once again. He starts considering to free Rookwood and the others from Azkaban. He believes Rookwood can help him. They used an Unspeakable named Bode, who seems to have been injured and brought to St. Mungo's. He thinks Rookwood will know why and, Albus, I'm sure there will be a break-out soon and nothing we can do about it."

"That was to be expected," muttered Albus and Severus stared at him, hoping for more information. This time he wasn't disappointed. "You see Severus, now that Voldemort has come this far I can tell you, the prophecy can only be retrieved by those who are concerned in it. Meaning either by Voldemort himself or …"

Severus's eyes widened. "Potter," he said and his mind was racing. "You think if he finds out, he will try and use Potter?"

"When he finds out I fear he will. I need you to be ready," replied Albus, his blue eyes fixing Severus intently. "Should he become aware of his connection to Harry he will try and send him to the Department of Mysteries by manipulating his mind. You will need to help Harry defend himself."

Severus glared at him. "I couldn't even teach the boy how to slice turnips and you think he will study Occlumency with me? He will refuse to accept my help and I will loathe offering it. You cannot expect me to succeed in such a hopeless endeavour. You should do it yourself."

Albus shook his head gravely. "No, Severus, I can't. If I teach Harry Occlumency, Voldemort will be even more tempted to use him to get to me. We cannot risk that. I know that if I ask you to teach Harry you will do your best, even against your will. You know it must be done. I'm sure you will master the task well, after all Harry has already succeeded in throwing off Crouch's Imperius Curse. He should be able to learn how to defend himself against intrusions into his mind."

Severus's glare darkened even more. No, he wasn't as confident as Albus. He was sure that Potter would be just as unwilling to learn what Severus had to teach him, as Severus was unwilling to teach it to him. He gritted his teeth, his jaw set. "Only if it becomes absolutely necessary!" he spat reluctantly and turned away to walk to his bedroom. Then he remembered something. "The Dark Lord said he wanted to try acquiring the prophecy himself."

"I cannot imagine that he would risk walking into the Ministry of Magic, Severus. But if he has a plan, I doubt it will succeed. He needs to take the prophecy with his own hands," said Albus thoughtfully. He seemed to be having one of his shrewd ideas again but didn't share it. "Go to bed, Severus, I will warn the guards. Good night."

Severus heard him leave and shut the door behind him. Then he looked out of the window, watching the first snow of the year falling softly through the darkness and remembered a certain day spent outside in the cold, at the far side of the lake, rolling on the ground and skidding over the frozen water and standing under a beech tree, capturing a laugh that made foggy clouds in the icy air.

He missed the days after the full moon. Missed being the one to help and cheer up and be held back to stay longer. He missed that warm feeling of being welcome, wanted, needed. Not by an anonymous group but by one person who knew him and what he had done and yet wished him to stay by his side while he was most vulnerable. It made him happy. And he wanted to be happy. Instead he was angry and scared and worried and lonely. His rooms were cold. As was his bed when he finally crawled into it to sleep.

Severus stayed more anxious than he liked to be. The beginning of December which was accompanied by snow seemed to slow time, making every day wretchedly long and bothersome. Albus was in highly good spirits about Potter's Defence society, McGonagall was already giving out shortbread to everyone but Umbridge, children were throwing snowballs (being punished severely by Severus), the disgusting decorations were put up and Umbridge was so displeased with the merriness of those she hadn't been able to dismiss or dispirit that she sneaked around more actively than ever. What was worse, Remus had given Albus a message that he didn't require the Wolfsbane this month. Severus should have been relieved, for the mass of homework and horribly bad brews he had to grade already occupied enough of his time. But he felt miserable and useless instead, and worried about the werewolf who would be tearing at his own body and howling in agony without Severus's Potion.

Albus told him Remus was not going to be at home, or really anywhere he could receive the Potion for he had Order business to attend to, and he would only be at home for the full moon. Severus scowled and wondered why Remus would volunteer to do anything for the Order if it meant a full moon without the Wolfsbane. Maybe he didn't value the Wolfsbane as much as Severus thought, maybe he just drank it to give Severus the feeling he had done something to help him. That was just the thing Remus would do. Severus couldn't stop glaring for days.

In the end, he couldn't resist finding out for sure. Albus didn't object when Severus asked him for permission to leave on the day after the full moon, in fact he seemed to approve of the idea and allowed Severus to Apparate from his office. Severus felt himself envying Albus for his abnormal magical skill and thanked him more reluctantly than would have been appropriate. Severus was grateful for the distraction. He had been thinking about nothing but the Dark Lord's plans and Remus's transformation and was glad he could at least rest his mind about one of the two. He didn't quite want to admit that he just wanted to see his werewolf.

Remus's forest looked quite like a picture post card, snow everywhere, weighing down the branches of the trees and making the house look like decorated with icing. Severus saw deer between the nearby trees, watching him serenely with eyes very much like Remus's. When Severus entered the house, the floor was thick with dust and Severus left positive footprints when he made his way through the hall, looking into the living-room. When he found no one in it he looked at the floor and noticed that Remus's footprints were leading into the cellar but not out of it. He took a step towards the stairs when Remus's head emerged and the rest of him followed, half crawling upstairs on weak legs, supported now and then by an arm or two. When he had made it to the hall he collapsed on his hands and knees right to Severus's feet. At first he stared at Severus's shoes before he looked slowly up at his face with a crooked smile.

"No need to fall at my feet," mocked Severus, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Hello," rasped Remus, making no effort to get up.

"Surprised?" asked Severus looking him over. It worried him to see a trickle of blood running down Remus's arm from under his tee-shirt, and a bruise on his cheek bone. Remus's arms were trembling and he seemed to have difficulties holding up his head. But he was pleased to see Severus, that was evident.

"Yes, I am," he said in his breaking voice and finally made an attempt to get up which would have failed and resulted in his tumbling over – very gracefully, Severus was sure – had he not been assisted by Severus who stooped and seized him by the arms to pull him to his feet. "Thanks," panted Remus, leaning against Severus and putting his whole weight into Severus's arms quite shamelessly. Severus looked over Remus's shoulder at his hand which was now smeared with blood. He scowled and made Remus come upstairs with him and into his bedroom, all the while supporting him, entirely unsatisfied with the state he was in.

"Lay down and stay still," said Severus as he guided Remus to the bed and forced him to let go of his neck. "I have something here for you. _Stay down_!" He said the last words forcefully for Remus had made to get up again, his eyes wide.

"You have my blood on your hand!" croaked Remus, pointing at it. "Wash it off, you could be infected!"

"I do not have an open wound, so I will be just fine, thank you for your exaggerated concern, and now lay back down!" snapped Severus, taking out a handkerchief to clean his hand before touching the phials in his pocket. "Here," said he, handing Remus the first potion to stop the horrible trembling of his hands. "If you like, I could tend to your wounds with that …" He waved his hand towards the nightstand where Remus's ointment was kept.

Remus shook his head vehemently, screwed up his eyes and held his head in pain. "No, I will do it myself later. I don't want you to –"

"Quite frankly, I don't care what you want," said Severus and opened the drawer to take out the ointment. Remus stilled his hand and looked at him more severely than Severus had ever seen him.

"Then don't ask me what I would like," he said slowly, taking the ointment out of his hand. "That is no joke, Severus."

"Nothing will happen to me!" Severus insisted, knowing that if he wanted to he could easily wrench the ointment away from Remus but refraining from it with great difficulty. Instead he rolled up Remus's sleeve to find the bleeding wound on his shoulder. "You can barely bend your arm, I doubt you can reach that place on the back of your shoulder. I can."

Remus, it seemed, had wasted all the energy he had been able to muster on that severe look that wasn't usually in his repertoire. He looked as if he were struggling to find some strength to contradict Severus but in the end he just let Severus take the ointment and help him pull the tee-shirt over his head. Severus was pleased to find that Remus wasn't badly injured. He cleaned the wounds and rubbed the ointment carefully into Remus's torn skin on his shoulder and spine, before he tended to the last wound on his stomach, making Remus squirm. The werewolf couldn't suppress a grin.

"You should sleep a bit. I cannot stay much longer, my break is almost over," said Severus quietly when Remus took his hand in both of his to keep it on his stomach. The second potion Severus had brought restored some of Remus's strength and the werewolf pulled Severus down for a kiss that was clearly supposed to make him skive off his remaining lessons of the day. Severus smirked at him and raised an eyebrow, shaking his head. He bent down and kissed Remus's throat just above the hollow between his collarbones. Remus stretched his limbs and spine, causing his joints to crack, and sighing so contently that Severus snorted in amusement. He ran his fingers over Remus's bruised cheek and knitted his eyebrows, taking out his wand to heal the only wound that wasn't cursed, relieving Remus of the pain he would feel when laying his head on the pillow.

"I cannot visit again. I think I will have time in the Christmas holidays, though," he muttered, getting up reluctantly, making a huge effort to resist Remus's pleading eyes. "Send a message if you need anything, and spare me the puppy-eyes."

Remus gave a throaty laugh and waved his hand to show that Severus could leave without offending him. "Thanks, I feel much better for your considerate visit," he croaked, then he laughed again as Severus scowled at him and he added, "I'm happy you came and cared for me, Severus."

Severus gave a satisfied nod and left quickly to stop his mind considering the idea of skiving in earnest.

His mind was preoccupied all through December and he thought he had even neglected Potter in his classes, by bullying him less than he ought have. Every minute of the day he caught himself imagining a prickling in his arm or a stinging that turned out to be a product of his overactive mind. It seemed that only at night his mind was freed of these worries, though still overactive, but in a much different field, concerning the soft skin of a certain werewolf, marred with scars, under his very fingertips until daylight and noise wrenched him violently out of his blissful dreams into grey reality.

When the holidays approached, relief washed over Severus and he let his guard down, almost believing that the Dark Lord was not going to move before Christmas at all. He was already looking forward to leaving Hogwarts for a few days (none of his Slytherins were staying at the castle this year) and maybe spending them all at Remus's to give himself a treat before the start of next term. He even found pleasure in indulging in the search for extraordinary sweets he could put at the foot of Remus's bed at Christmas because it reminded him of past times. The only thing that could now darken his mood slightly was the mountain of homework that was handed in to him during the last week of term. He would leave it for later, though, he had made up his mind to escape these imprisoning walls as soon as possible.

He was dozing in his armchair, his fire crackling quietly, casting a warmth over his body that was reminding him of a nicer place than this. It was late at night or rather very early in the morning, in any case he had missed the right moment to go to bed and stayed in his armchair instead, summoning one of his precious Potions books to leaf through it and get through the night. Now the book was lying in his lap, held loosely by sleepy fingers while Severus's eyelids were drooping and his mind was drifting off.

Suddenly the fire flared green and someone stumbled into the room with a loud exclamation of Severus's name that made him start so violently that he sprang up from his armchair and dropped the book to the floor. He looked wildly round, and found McGonagall standing on his hearth rug breathing heavily and looking like a furious bull. Realising that no danger was threatening him, Severus sighed and bent down to pick up his book, which had landed on its pages, crumbling them at the edges. He groaned irritably and sat back down, smoothing out the pages with careful fingers before he took out his wand to restore them to their previous state.

"Sorry to disturb you, Severus, but this is urgent!" said McGonagall loudly. "Something has happened to Arthur Weasley while he was on night duty!"

Severus scowled up at her and wondered why that justified her storming into his living room without permission. He closed the book, giving it a loving caress and putting it on the coffee table before answering. "And how does that concern me?"

McGonagall's face turned grave. "Potter witnessed it," she said in a voice that could have been applied at a funeral. "He saw how it happened while he was sleeping."

"Impossible," drawled Severus, folding his hands. McGonagall sat down opposite him, glaring at him almost as nicely as he could glare.

"He told Albus that he was inside a snake when he saw it attack Arthur. He was looking through the snake's eyes, Severus," she said urgently and Severus felt the anxiety return to his body within seconds. "What does that mean?"

Severus was silent for a few moments. Then he got up and put his book back into the shelf. "Where is he now?" he asked, determined to find out what it meant, for he had never heard of anyone who could practise Legilimency without eye contact. Either it was a coincidence that Potter dreamed of a snake attacking Arthur Weasley while it was actually happening, or the connection between the Dark Lord and him had just proven much more complex than Albus was letting on. How his mind could get into a snake was evident. His mind was connected to the Dark Lord's. But how did the Dark Lord's mind get into the snake in the first place? Severus was angered that he was at his wit's end.

"Albus sent them to Grimmauld Place, Potter and the Weasleys, before Umbridge could reach his office and ask questions. She is with him at the moment and he is trying to placate her. He said he would call you when she's gone."

"And I know what he wants from me," growled Severus, suddenly aware of the fact that the time had come to teach the brat Occlumency. "Did the Dark Lord lay his hands on the prophecy?"

"No, apparently not," said McGonagall and Severus nodded in relief. "Severus, what does it all mean?"

Severus turned to her, knitting his brows. "It means that the Dark Lord has a connection with Potter that is very dangerous, and it is likely that after tonight's incident he has become aware of that connection and might use it to his advantage," he explained and McGonagall looked more worried than Severus had ever seen her. "I believe you remember that Albus expressed his concerns about Potter knowing too much about the Order. It could be that the Dark Lord looks into his mind – however he is capable of that I don't know but he is – and find out about the Order and Dumbledore and everything else that we are trying to keep from him. And what's more, he could try and control Potter by meddling with his mind."

"That's terrible, Severus," replied McGonagall, white as a sheet. "We must take measures to prevent that."

"Those measures will be taken as soon as possible, Minerva," said Albus as he stepped out of the flaring flames of Severus's fireplace. They both turned to him as he put his hands on the back of the armchair. "Severus and I have already discussed it. And I have now made arrangements. On Mondays Harry will receive Occlumency lessons from you, Severus."

"Oh," said Severus softly, "that's what you have arranged, is it?"

"Yes," said Albus in a voice so harsh it stunned Severus into silence. "And I do not accept any objections. You have agreed and that is that." Severus didn't reply. McGonagall looked from one to the other of them. Albus cleared his throat. "You will tell him about this arrangement after Christmas, I want him to spend his holidays in peace."

"Shouldn't you tell Potter, Albus? Surely he will accept it more readily, if you tell him, than if Severus does," said McGonagall and though Severus quite agreed with her he knew Albus would decline.

"No, I must not meet Harry face to face again, that would be dangerous. Severus must tell him. There is no helping it. And it is about time." Albus fell silent and looked as if his age was suddenly catching up with him as he stood there, leaning heavily on the armchair. "I think we should leave Severus now. We are keeping him awake."

McGonagall got up and glanced at Severus before she left through the fire, followed after a moment by Albus who didn't look at Severus at all. They left him feeling cold and anxious, and sleep was the last thing he thought about.

The only things that were comforting were that the Dark Lord had failed to acquire the prophecy and that Arthur Weasley was out of mortal danger by the official end of term. Severus left without saying another word to either Umbridge, who had been fuming with rage ever since Potter and his friends had disappeared right under her nose, or Albus who seemed rather absent-minded. Only McGonagall stopped him as he was leaving the grounds, and pushed a tin of her best shortbread into his arms with her usual stern expression and an inclination of her head, patting his hand like the hand of a person on his sick bed. Severus was puzzled for a while by her behaviour but decided to just accept it as it was.

When he arrived at Spinner's End he happened to walk into the snowball fight of the neighbours' children who were, luckily, terrified of him as every reasonable child would be. They pointed at him and turned on their heels, running away in all directions, shrieking deafeningly. Severus couldn't help but smirk and shake his head at them, his mood lifting slightly as he found a last trembling child cowering to his left against the wall, looking up at him with wide eyes. Severus found it quite amusing since he had never even done anything to them but glare when they were shouting outside the door or bumping into him in the street. He walked towards his front door, his robes billowing in his wake, his robes for which they called him the "magician" which was very entertaining. He turned to the boy who obviously didn't dare run and as he unlocked the door he said, "Boo."

The boy jumped up as if freed from a Full-Body-Bind and sprinted down the street. Severus opened the door still smirking silently to himself and put his cloak on a hook in the hall, entering the sitting room, determined to leave it again very soon. He changed his mind rather quickly when he raised his eyes to find an intruder on his sofa. And suddenly he was much more impressed by that person's magical skill than before, for he had broken through the protective enchantments that guarded Spinner's End when Severus was at Hogwarts. The smile on the impertinent intruder's face was smug.

"I let myself in," said Remus, spreading his arms.

"Yes," drawled Severus, "I was already wondering … apparently it is a Gryffindor trait to be disrespectful of personal space." He put down the shortbread on the coffee table and sat down beside Remus.

"I've been waiting for you," said Remus, unnecessarily stating the obvious as he opened the tin of shortbread. "I thought you might be pleased to see me, and, well I wanted to see you." He grinned as he put a piece of shortbread into his mouth.

"Had I known that you'd steal my shortbread I would have preferred not to have seen you," lied Severus, pushing the tin out of Remus's reach. Remus gave him a pretty glare that soon dissolved into a chuckle. His face was smiling, Severus's scowling, nothing could change that. And as much as Severus couldn't hold a smile on his face for long, Remus had difficulties keeping a glare in place.

"So that's not a gift for me?" he asked. Severus shook his head and Remus sighed heavily. "Then I must apologise."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Minerva gave me that out of pity," he said, cupping Remus's cheek and turning his face towards him. "But what's mine, is yours. I thought you were of the same conviction."

Remus smiled into their kiss and as soon as he could he reached for the shortbread again. "Why would she pity you?" he asked and Severus knew that he wanted to talk about Potter very much, he heard it in his voice. It was that restraint in it that he always showed when Potter was on his mind. Severus was not exactly pleased to do him the favour of talking about Potter now.

"I have to give Potter Occlumency lessons," said Severus and waited for Remus's sympathy. It must have shown on his face for Remus smiled and patted Severus's leg.

"Yes, Sirius told me about what happened. Harry seems rather distressed, I think he senses that he is in danger," said Remus thoughtfully. "I hope he doesn't decide to do something stupid. I'm sure he's scared to endanger the others. It must have been horrible, being inside that snake when it attacked Arthur."

Severus looked at Remus's hand on his leg and was grateful the werewolf had come and waited for him. He touched his skin and intertwined their fingers, enjoying the warmth that immediately spread up his arm. Remus looked at him and squeezed his hand. "Potter is quite right if he feels distressed. The Dark Lord will most probably use their connection. That's why Albus forces me to teach him Occlumency."

"Why doesn't he? I mean, Harry would surely like being taught by him," said Remus but answered his own question. "Or do you think he fears Voldemort might be tempted to use Harry when he has Albus right before his nose?"

"That is the Headmaster's concern, yes," replied Severus and knitted his brows. "Alas, that is not our only worry. Now that the Dark Lord has failed with his snake, after the disaster with Bode, it is only a matter of time until Azkaban loses many of its inmates. The Dark Lord is planning it as we're speaking."

"Yes, and nothing we can do. The Dementors are already stirring. At least promise me that you will do your best with Harry," said Remus, giving him a worried look.

"If he can be convinced to let me teach him, nothing will stop him from learning Occlumency. It is not as difficult as you might believe. The difficulty I see is his infinite arrogance. He will not accept anything I tell him," retorted Severus defiantly, getting up and pacing with folded arms. "I don't know how Albus can believe it will work … I hate the boy, the boy hates me, and putting us in the same room for private lessons during which we actually have to talk to each other and deal with each other is simply fatal."

Remus gave him a concerned smile but made no answer. Severus stopped. Sometimes he wondered why he didn't just stop serving his masters and seize Remus to kidnap him and take him somewhere far away where nobody knew him and nobody would find him. He had a vivid memory of having discussed something like that with the werewolf. He found the idea tempting. But his sense of duty and responsibility was stronger than his human weaknesses. Though Remus seemed to be a strength as long as no one knew that he was. As soon as Lucius found out, or anyone, really, the Dark Lord would hear of it and not forgive him his love for another inferior creature. Not another one. Because he didn't understand that Remus was superior to the both of them.

"Come here," said Severus when Remus cocked his head to one side, considering him curiously. The werewolf obeyed without questions and put his head down on Severus's shoulder and his arms around his waist, sighing as Severus put his around his shoulders. "Give me two weeks away from all that. Before I have to return to Hogwarts and suffer from Umbridge and Potter, give me some energy to feed on."

Remus pressed up against him and tightened his arms round him. "I will if you let me," said Remus quietly. "If you let me I will see you every day."

"Good," replied Severus, nuzzling Remus's neck. "I accept that offer. And I remind you that there is no backing out of it, if you decide you cannot bear my presence any longer you will have to endure it nonetheless. Because, you might not be aware of it, you are the only one I can touch like this."

Remus chuckled and turned his head to give Severus better access to his neck. "And I would recommend to you to maintain it that way," he said, mimicking Severus. "I can be very jealous. Because I love you."

Severus stayed silent, kissing Remus's neck and knowing perfectly well that Remus meant to tell him he knew what he felt. But Severus also knew that Remus had doubted those feelings before and would doubt them again. And it was until then that Severus had time to get the words laid out on his tongue. Only one more word than Remus. Much like an echo. Only the truth, the vulnerable truth that had almost driven him mad with regret and grief for not being uttered in time to hold Remus back, to make him stay with him. Yet Severus knew, for now, Remus felt it in their kiss and in the way Severus talked to him. Probably that gave him the patience he still showed, even though Severus didn't have the right to expect it, in waiting for those words. The words that would one day have to be uttered. That made Severus feel ashamed of himself because he feared them and feared the moment he would have to say them, when he should be eager to tell them to Remus. Such simple words, merely an echo, really, of what Remus so kindly said to him. Just one more word added to it, and none would be more vulnerable than the other. The words he could say in his mind but never bring over his lips, not even in private, least of all to him, who deserved to hear them, who should have demanded to hear them after being gracious enough to say them to Severus again. And Severus knew, he would say them one day, just like that, as if he had always said them and Remus would smile radiantly, and say 'I know' so gratefully that Severus would blush and stammer. But he would say the words firmly and repeat them as often as Remus. One day. He already had them laid out in his mind and they would reach his lips too. Those words Remus claimed to have seen in his eyes and his actions. Claimed he needn't hear to know they were true. And yet he needed to hear them as much as Severus wanted to say them. As kindly as Remus said them to him. I love you too.


	19. Anxiety

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT, implied Blotts/Flourish

Author Notes: This chapter is a favourite of mine because I included some Flourish and Blotts dynamic, rather spontaneously really, I just felt like it. They will turn up again later on ... okay, a lot later on ;). Don't ask how I got the idea, it just popped into my head and I loved it. Though I have no idea if Messrs Flourish and Blotts still own the bookshop or if they are men at all ... but there you go, some artistic freedom. They always make me smile. Tall thin Mr Flourish, rather shorter, broad-shouldered Mr Blotts.

Resevius: Alright, good one :).

Lizard Demon From Pluto: That was what made me write the story and I'm glad you enjoy it.

Next update on Christmas Day!

**Anxiety**

When Severus opened his eyes he thought at first that he was still dreaming. There was the shimmering white skin which he had seen in his sleep, and his own was sliding against it as he shifted, squinting in the sunlight that was flooding his desolate bedroom at Spinner's End. His arm stung. Remus was lying on it, his weight blocking the blood-flow, and Severus knew it was no dream. It was too blissful to be a dream. Severus was just brushing his nose against Remus's cheek as he heard noises from below. He started and strained his ears, feeling Remus stirring underneath him, turning round.

"What is it?" he croaked but Severus put his finger to his lips.

"There's someone downstairs," he whispered as steps could be heard.

"Severus?" called the muffled voice of Lucius Malfoy and Severus groaned. Not now, not while Remus was in the house and Severus was still in bed and unwilling to get up. "Are you home?"

"I have to meet him before he comes up," said Severus, while Remus was looking at the door with anxious eyes. "Make no sound."

Severus slipped out of bed, Remus's fingers sliding over his arm until he was out of reach. He donned his dressing gown and made his way downstairs with as much noise as he could. Lucius was already trying to open the secret door to the first floor when Severus opened it from within. "Lucius," said Severus, shutting the door behind him.

"Yes, as you can see," said Lucius, considering him with a sneer. Severus glared at him. "Alright, I know, I didn't talk to you in the last months … that wasn't right. But after all I saved you from Umbridge. I gave testimony for you, they had already been considering to dismiss you. Because of …" He trailed off and tapped his left forearm.

"Yes," drawled Severus, "it doesn't seem very reasonable to take the testimony for a Death Eater from another Death Eater, does it?" said Severus, pulling his nightgown more tightly around his body.

"They aren't reasonable, Severus, that is our big advantage," said Lucius, running his fingers over the spines of Severus's books on untraceable poisons. All illegal of course. "I heard that Arthur Weasley was saved the other night … pity. You don't happen to know how that was possible?"

Severus looked sharply up at him and knew that there were two possibilities why Lucius was asking such a thing. Either he wanted to get information from Severus to tell it to the Dark Lord first and rise in his esteem, or he wanted to find out if Severus had known about the attack and told Dumbledore about it, which would help him just as much if he told it to the Dark Lord. Severus crossed his arms and raised a suspicious eyebrow at Lucius.

"If I knew anything about it, I would first tell the Dark Lord. I'm sure you will understand," said he softly and the expression on Lucius's face showed him that he didn't understand at all.

"Do you think I'm not trustworthy?" snapped he, suddenly not so calm anymore. "Do you think I –"

"I do not think anything, Lucius. I'm surprised that you become so angry even though you know that the Dark Lord doesn't like to be the last one to be informed. I do not speculate and I do not spread gossip, and if you want to know what I know then you will have to wait for the Dark Lord to tell you."

Lucius gave him a sour look. In fact for a moment Severus thought he would yell at him. But after a few moments he took a deep breath and lowered his eyes to the floor, his stiff posture deflating a little. "Well, if you think you must keep it to yourself …" he muttered. And folded his arms.

"Lucius," said Severus quietly, "you know I cannot tell you anything. And you know it isn't my fault that the Dark Lord is currently displeased with you. But you are his favourite and as soon as you get another chance you will gain his confidence again."

Lucius huffed and shrugged before his dignity returned to him and he straightened his back, sticking his pointed nose up in the air towards the ceiling. "Yes, you are right. Well, at least I've finally got that task off my hands. Rookwood will be the one to carry it out. It is a bit of a relief, to tell you the truth."

Severus nodded. He wondered when Lucius would finally leave. He wondered if Remus was already getting cold all alone in Severus's desolate bed. Not so desolate last night. Severus felt the corners of his mouth twitching treacherously. Suddenly he thought he was feeling a mysterious warmth behind his back. "So, do you know anything about the Dark Lord's plans to free our fellows?" asked Severus, trying to sound only mildly interested. He thought he was doing quite a nice job. Lucius shook his head.

"He wants to take it into his own hands. And to be quite frank, I think it is better this way," he said, waving his hand. "He seems to be losing his patience and I don't want to be in his way when he's disappointed once again. And now don't tell me that it's my fault, because Macnair has been telling me so ever since the last meeting. He's annoyed that his achievement with the giants isn't valued. As if that had been a demanding task, anyone could have won those dumb creatures over."

Severus nodded again. He didn't care about Macnair or what he said, he was vile and primitive and even Lucius shouldn't lower himself to a level on which he felt injured by his words. But that just showed that Lucius was in a state of distress about his failure. He turned very touchy when he was under stress. He was a coward with a big mouth.

"Is there anything else, Lucius?" asked Severus as he heard a rumbling behind him from the other side of the door. He knew Remus was behind it, listening in on their conversation. "I had an exhausting term and would like to sleep some more."

Lucius shook his head but didn't turn to leave. "How do you like Umbridge by the way?" he asked with a smirk.

"Charming woman," said Severus, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Especially when she is spying on my fireplace and snooping about my 'background'. But as she hates Potter I'm on her side."

Lucius's smirk broadened. "She's one of our advantages. I know she's unpleasant and a joke of a teacher but she helps our purpose by undermining Dumbledore and denying the Dark Lord's return."

"Yes," said Severus slowly, "Draco seems to be her favourite already."

"Oh, you know, the Malfoys have a talent of making themselves popular," replied Lucius, making Severus snort. "How do you think did I get so close to the Minister even though I have the same background as you?"

"With money," said Severus and it was Lucius's turn to snort.

"No jealousy, Severus," he mocked and Severus narrowed his eyes at him. If Lucius knew that the only thing that had ever made Severus jealous of him was not his money but his family he would probably never let him hear the end of it.

"And by saying that you had been Imperiused all along," drawled Severus, "which was not very creative but, admittedly, quite effective."

Lucius finally stepped closer to the fireplace, never comfortable with such topics, that confronted him with his opportunist character. "Well, I admit that your defence was much more spectacular but I did not have an influential friend, backing my story. You do what you must, I'm sure you agree, otherwise you would never have endured so many years in Dumbledore's insufferable company. I'll see you at the next meeting, then."

Severus took a deep breath of relief when Lucius took some Floo powder and tossed it into the grate. But Lucius turned round again and gave Severus a curious look that made him feel very uncomfortable. "How did you manage it, Severus?" he asked quietly and Severus gave him a questioning look. "How did you rise in the Dark Lord's esteem so quickly after having disappointed him so often before he fell?"

"If you have a problem with me then why don't you just say it instead of making the effort to imply it," said Severus silkily, trying to keep his anger at bay.

"I'd just like to know why I, who always kept to the right way, am falling in the Dark Lord's esteem while you are rising," said Lucius irritably. "You know I do not begrudge you your high standing, but I feel at a loss. There must be something you have to offer that the Dark Lord is very grateful for."

"Maybe it is just the fact that I don't fail at every task he sets me," said Severus jerkily and when he noticed that they were behaving like school boys, fighting over the liking of their favourite teacher he added, "Probably it is my position, close to Dumbledore and Potter. If I were you I wouldn't worry so much and just hope for another chance to prove yourself."

Lucius nodded slowly and gave Severus another one of those curious looks. "I don't envy you for it. You will have to kill Dumbledore one day, Severus, you know he will set you that task. Sooner or later. I believe that no one will envy you for it."

Severus scowled at him and hoped dearly that Remus had already gone back to bed. "Leave my concerns to me, Lucius. As I leave yours to you."

Lucius nodded again and finally, finally left. Severus heaved a sigh and opened the door being surprised by a nosy werewolf, who had obviously been leaning against it, falling into his arms. Remus looked up at him rather bashfully and cleared his throat, straightening up. "Sorry," he said, shrugging. "I was curious."

Severus pushed him back into the staircase and closed the door behind them. "Nothing I could blame you for, you nosy Gryffindor," he muttered and liked Remus's chuckle. "There was nothing compromising, was there?"

Remus shook his head and turned round to Severus when he reached the landing. "But what he said about Albus, do you think he's right?" He looked concerned when he said it and Severus laid his hand into the back of his neck to steer him to the bedroom.

"Who knows. Let us not speculate about the future," replied Severus quietly, unwilling to talk about such an unpleasant topic after already having had his share of unpleasant talk for the day. "I believe Lucius thought he could get me to talk about Potter and sell the Dark Lord my information as his. Impertinent."

Remus smiled at him though he looked as if he was unsure what to feel or to respond. Severus could tell he was uneasy with the whole Death Eater business and he wished Remus knew that he shared that feeling. "What _do_ you know about Harry's connection with Voldemort?" asked Remus when he was sitting down on the edge of the bed, running his hand over his naked chest. Severus shivered slightly and it took him a while to force his mind to the topic. His face darkened. He had listened to Remus's hoarse voice saying that despicable name for long enough, now it had been one time too many. Especially when Remus was sitting on Severus's bed, half naked and vulnerable.

"Would it be too much to ask you to refrain from using the Dark Lord's name?" he hissed a little too harshly. "I am quite sure that I requested it before, so I don't understand why you decide to ignore it."

When the words had left his mouth he regretted his tone and defiance. For good reason. Remus's face had all of a sudden become so uncharacteristically severe that Severus thought for a moment that he had been hoodwinked by an imposter. Which was of course impossible because he knew Remus so well and they had been so close all the time that not even the best actor could fool him. Which meant that he had actually made Remus angry with something that in the past would only have made him roll his eyes. He was taken aback for quite some time in which Remus confirmed his suspicion.

"Well, Severus, I'm sure you will agree that a considerable amount of time has passed since you made your requests," he said so coolly that Severus felt the chill of those words wash over his body. "So, you will excuse me, if you have to remind me remind me of one or the other of them."

Silence followed that reply and it was the most unpleasant silence Severus had experienced in months, stretching and stretching as Severus tried to recover from the dumbfounded stupor he was in. He didn't quite know how to react to this side of Remus that he had only seen seldom in the past and in situations much more significant than this one. He thought he might just try and ignore it instead of going into it but it was only when Remus's face softened slightly and his stiffened frame relaxed again that Severus dared speak. And when Remus looked into his eyes with a slight frown and an expression that looked hopeful, Severus felt reassured that Remus, too, would like to just forget that short exchange of meaningless words. Only that Severus felt uneasy with the thought that they had been meaningless. He was rather certain that neither Remus's tone nor his words were to be dismissed as a mere irrational outbreak but rather as some kind of involuntary give-away. Of what, Severus could only speculate. And his speculations he tried to push away as soon as they came to his mind, for they were too unpleasant to be indulged in. They were so unpleasant that he merely shoved them defiantly into the corner of the tricks his mind frequently played on him.

He cleared his throat to loosen the grip silence had fastened on them and just continued where they had been interrupted by these mysteriously harsh voices that had come out of nowhere and had not belonged to them at all, Severus was sure. "I only know that the Avada Kedavra Curse that caused the Dark Lord's fall created some kind of mental connection between him and Potter. But if Albus knows more, he doesn't tell me. We think that if Potter can look into the Dark Lord's mind, it might be possible that the Dark Lord can do the same, though he seemed unaware of it."

Remus caught on, acting as if they had never stopped talking. "Could he possess Harry?" asked he, his eyes more fearful than his voice would ever have been. Severus felt confident enough now to step towards him and kneel down in front of him. He wished he knew what he could say to soothe him, reassure him. But there was only the truth he could tell.

"Anything is possible," he said softly, running his hands up Remus's thighs as the werewolf frowned. Severus didn't like the worry in his face. "I'm doing all I can."

"I know," said Remus softly, "thank you."

Remus left around noon for Diagon Alley, with a Gringotts key in his pocket that belonged to Black's vault. A present for Potter was the purpose of the visit to Flourish and Blotts because, as he told Severus, he and Black wanted to give Potter something that would help him with his teaching. Severus didn't bother acting as if he were interested, nor did he try to hide his jealousy. But there was no stopping Remus. Which made Severus even more jealous. He imagined Remus chatting with Mr Flourish, whose ways were as his name suggested, and how Flourish, with his unending expertise and serious but friendly manner when talking about the written word, would kindly recommend some excellent new book to him that Remus would buy with the money he had taken from Black's vault while they were discussing critically the last excellent book he had bought on recommendation (for Severus knew that Remus saved his money rather for a good book than for a proper meal).

Mr Blotts on the other hand, who was an ever smiling and eager man, extremely clever but also uncomplicated and very different from Flourish, complementary in fact, and yet equally serious about his profession, would always come out of the backroom as well when he saw Remus speaking to Flourish at the counter, and clap them both on the back, causing Flourish to roll his eyes affectionately and Remus to beam, as he guided the werewolf through the store to show him several books they could laugh about, in their shared intellect and cordiality.

Remus had told Severus about their yearly sessions of making fun of Lockhart's new books, but as there was nothing new from him, naturally, Blotts had presented him with a book on werewolves and their habits, asking him if he could clear up what was true and what wasn't. They had soon found out that ninety percent of the book's content was utter rubbish and lost their breaths laughing about the description of werewolves' mating habits. All in all there was one thing that could be said of the two shop owners after Remus had sketched them out to Severus like that: they left the actual work to their manager except when someone of their own kind entered the shop. Someone to whom they didn't have to lie about the quality of Lockhart's books, someone who would appreciate a good book when they presented it to him.

Remus spoke fondly of Flourish and Blotts, both of whom had reacted with interest instead of hatred when Remus had entered their shop after the article about his lycanthropy had been published. They hadn't stopped speaking to him personally, after some short acknowledgement of his condition they had both gone back to normal, each one showing Remus to some shelf of their preference. In fact, Remus had told Severus delightedly, they had said they'd rather lose a few other customers if it assured them Remus's regular visits, for there were only few people who actually appreciated the world of books and brought such inspiring conversations to the shop. Severus approved of them much more than he had before, though he had to admit that he had never seen much of them, since the bookstores of his preference were rather more obscure and illegal.

In the evening, everyone assembled for a 'Problem Potter' meeting at Grimmauld Place which was mostly boring and much too early for Severus because he could not yet give any information on the Dark Lord's actions after the incident. It was annoying as well, after a day that Severus knew Remus had spent pleasantly, that the werewolf was not sitting with him but with Tonks. And though Severus knew he should also approve of the others who gave Remus the feeling he was normal and liked, he couldn't help feeling jealous of Tonks when Remus told her some story of his youth that was making her laugh and bat her eyelashes at him.

Severus knew he must be looking as if he was trying to set fire to Tonks as he was staring at her rather unblinkingly. He envied her for the ability to talk to Remus so naturally while the other Order members were also assembled in the kitchen of number twelve, whereas Severus could only ever talk openly to him while they were alone. Even though Remus talked to him in that polite fashion he used when they weren't alone, Severus couldn't seem to lead a real conversation with him. He was too private to let anyone see that, actually, he didn't despise Remus at all. He didn't want anyone but Remus to know that he was his weakness. In fact, if he could have prevented it, he would have preferred Remus not to know it, either.

And another thing was annoying him. Black's merriness was making Severus more melancholy. Somehow when Black was happy Severus felt that the world was unfair, especially when his happiness made Remus happy too. Remus had no business being happy for Black. He had no business putting his hands on his shoulders while he could be sitting with Severus. And he certainly didn't have any business sleeping at Grimmauld Place when he could be sleeping at Spinner's End. Nor had Severus, of course, but that couldn't keep him from stopping Remus on the stairs to the first floor after the meeting, holding his arm a little more firmly than necessary. Hadn't Remus promised to spend every day with him?

"Going to bed?" asked Severus with an edge to his voice that he blamed on the prickling in his arm. Remus turned to him and his beautiful amber eyes shone down at him through the semi-darkness. The Christmas decorations that had been put up by the children and Black were framing him glitteringly. Somehow it made Severus take a step backwards.

"I'm sorry, I will sleep here tonight," said Remus quietly and Severus let his hand slide down from his upper arm to his soft hand. Remus gave him a weak smile. "Do you have anything to say?" asked Remus, cocking his head to one side and considering him closely, expectantly. Severus opened his mouth, then closed it again and narrowed his eyes.

"What do you want to hear?" he muttered while Remus's fingers tightened around his. Remus sighed and shook his head very slightly, giving Severus an uneasy feeling of being an utter disappointment.

"That's the wrong question," said Remus, raising his eyebrows. "The right question is: what do _you_ want to say?" He pulled his hand out of Severus's and turned to walk upstairs, leaving Severus in confusion until he realised that he was letting a moment slip through his fingers once again. He followed Remus up the stairs taking two steps at a time and reached out a hand as soon as the werewolf was in sight, opening the door. If Remus needed it spelled out to him then Severus would have to find the words. And he knew that Remus had all right to demand more than mere suggestions. Severus closed his left hand round Remus's arm once more but as his fingers touched the werewolf he felt a searing pain shooting up his arm and he couldn't stifle a cry as he flinched away from him. Remus turned quickly and looked at him with wide amber eyes. For a moment Severus was utterly confused, then he realised that his forearm was still pulsing hotly and he looked down, yanking his sleeve up to see the Dark Mark burning, black and clear against his white skin. He let out the breath he'd been holding and jumped slightly when Remus's hand pulled his arm down.

"Do you have to leave?" asked Remus and his voice was so full of fear that Severus could hardly bear it. "Are you being called?"

"Yes," said Severus and watched as Remus's fingers ghosted over his burned skin. Remus bit his lip and shook his head, holding Severus's hand as if he wanted to hold him back and never let go. "There's nothing to fear, you dunderhead," grumbled Severus, who didn't want to admit to Remus that he was feeling worried too. Who didn't want to say that he wished Remus could just chain him to his wrist and prevent him from going. But there was one thing that he would tell him, right now, while he had the courage mustered and the possibility to just walk away. The Dark Lord – as dangerous as it was – would have to wait. Severus let go of Remus's hand and the werewolf made to turn away, obviously unable to bear seeing Severus walk away. But Severus seized his shoulder and made him face him again. "If it was still relevant," he whispered, aware of the sleeping children in the house, "I would want to say that I wish you to come with me to Spinner's End … But as it is, such requests are currently futile."

Remus looked up at him, the concern deepening the lines on his face. "And you wouldn't want to say that I am welcome to wait at Spinner's End until you return from … _him_?" he asked very quietly, almost inaudibly and Severus twisted his arm as the burning in it increased. He shook his head, though he wished he didn't have to. Remus lowered his eyes.

"It isn't safe, as long as I'm not there," he said, stepped back from Remus and gave him the best smirk he could manage. "Werewolves do not belong to the most popular inventory in Death Eater households as you might be aware." Remus gave him an extraordinarily weak smile.

"Take care," he said in his hoarse voice and even if Severus had wanted to, even if he had tried to, he couldn't have found words to express how much he would have liked to throw the Dark Lord's call to the wind and follow him to his bed. But reliable as he was, he left and his feet made soft connection with the snowy ground of the graveyard where the Death Eater meetings were still held. The full circle was assembled. The Dark Lord was pacing and spreading a dangerous atmosphere.

"Severus," he said in his cold voice, acknowledging his presence, "finally, then we can start." Severus felt the others' eyes on him and stared staunchly at the ground. The Dark Lord passed him and his cold voice drifted through the circle. "Some of you have heard of it already, my own attempt to acquire my prophecy failed, regrettably, because a worthless blood-traitor got in my way. I was very close to exposure, which would have been unnecessary, had Avery and Lucius done what I told them to do."

He paused and Avery who was standing beside Lucius on whose other side Severus was standing, stepped forward very carefully and raised his hand like a student in class. "Master, if I might say so, if Snape had got the whole prophecy at the beginning, none of this would have been necessary," he said, his voice a strange mixture of malice and fear. Severus didn't look round at him, didn't react at all, he couldn't because he had to concentrate on clearing his mind, but he registered that Avery was tired of being the scapegoat and wanted to push the responsibility away from him onto the one member in the circle whom everyone doubted. A hum of agreement went through the circle at Avery's words and Severus wondered in which organisation he was less welcome, here or in the Order.

The Dark Lord turned to Avery and let his red eyes wander into Severus's direction. "I know that many of you don't share my trust in Severus," he hissed coolly and glanced around the circle. "Admittedly, Severus was young, inexperienced … clumsy," he paused and let the circle snigger. Severus could have strangled each and every one of those dim-wits for laughing at him. "He let himself be caught by a goat-lover. But none of you has ever brought me any information of the quality Severus has. He has been invaluable to me in the past and he is invaluable now. He has been punished in the past for failing to hear the complete prophecy. Pushing your responsibility onto him, Avery, just shows again that you are not only incompetent but also too cowardly to admit it. At least Severus has backbone."

Avery shrank back into his place beside Lucius who gave Severus a sidelong glance. The Dark Lord walked slowly round the circle, his eyes now fixed on Severus. Severus felt his memories slip to the surface, crying in his room as a boy, scared of his father; in Dumbledore's office agreeing to become Potions master; seeing Remus for the first time after the end of the war, and he realised that his mind was not quite as clear as it should have been. He took a deep breath when he saw Albus in his quarters, telling him about the snake and Arthur Weasley. The Dark Lord withdrew from Severus's mind, leaving behind an uncomfortable feeling of standing naked on a pedestal.

"I will take the liberation of our imprisoned friends into my own hands," said the Dark Lord and everyone but Severus seemed to be relieved. "As it seems, transferring tasks to you will only endanger the secrecy of my return. It is very regrettable. I must admit, I was foolish enough to expect better of you."

Lucius balled his fists beside Severus. The whole circle tensed. Severus had watched the Dark Lord punish without warning before and never had he been so sure that it wouldn't be him this time. He didn't like to see anyone squirming in pain. But the Dark Lord refrained from wasting his energy on one of his filthy followers, at least tonight. He resumed his pacing and talked about Azkaban, asking Macnair questions about the current security there and he seemed very pleased to hear that there were mostly Dementors and only few wizards guarding the cells, especially the high security cells which he wanted to penetrate. Severus felt more and more worried about the Dark Lord's plans. Now nothing seemed to be blocking his way to free the rest of his remaining followers and, in fact, to finally get the prophecy. With Rookwood's help.

"Stay behind, Severus," said the Dark Lord when he dismissed the rest of the circle. Severus stopped dead and straightened his back, lowering his hood as Lucius clapped his shoulder. "I assume you already know that I had a visitor in my mind that night I tried to get into the Department of Mysteries."

Severus thought about his answer for a moment and decided that it was in vain to deny it, now that the Dark Lord already knew. "Yes, indeed, my Lord."

The Dark Lord nodded slowly and considered him closely. "I must admit I have not been aware of that particular part of Potter's connection with me. At first I found it rather enraging, as I would have been glad to be rid of another blood-traitor, I'm sure you as well," he said and paused to let Severus agree with him. "But now that I have had time to think about it, I believe that it could become very helpful, after all. Imagine what I could do with Potter's mind, now that I have it in my power."

Severus swallowed when the Dark Lord paused again. This was not good. In fact he doubted there was anything worse than this. He decided to speak when the Dark Lord didn't continue. "But, my Lord, if I may, do you not think that this connection could be potentially dangerous, not only for Potter but for yourself as well, since we do not know how it was formed or how it works?"

The Dark Lord stopped pacing and looked at him with an unfathomable expression, his red eyes glowing in the darkness and burning Severus's own. It was most unpleasant. "Maybe," said the Dark Lord slowly and came closer. Severus hated the coldness he was spreading, hated the colour of his eyes. He knew why and he tried to clear his mind of this knowledge. "But I would be a fool not to try and use it to my advantage. And until I have found out how to control this connection I expect you to keep your fellows in the dark and Potter conceivable."

"Dumbledore set me the task to teach Potter Occlumency, my Lord," said Severus for he thought it might be the perfect thing to say now. And it was. The Dark Lord smirked with his lipless mouth and chuckled icily, making Severus shudder.

"Excellent," he said with an unpleasant sneer that made Severus wonder if his own sneers made him look just as unpleasant. "Obviously Dumbledore already fears my influence on Potter, that is excellent indeed. And how would he be able to know that you are not actually making an effort to teach the boy, Severus? I'm sure it will be no problem for you to weaken Potter some more."

Severus nodded and feared that that would be the result of the Occlumency lessons, if he wanted it or not. Potter and he just weren't compatible. Looking at Potter was too painful and after five years of hating each other he didn't know how to teach Potter anything at all without killing him in the process or making him even easier prey for the Dark Lord, which, in consequence, was the same thing. "I will do as you wish, my Lord."

"I know, Severus," said the Dark Lord in such a self-sufficient voice that Severus wanted to tell him the truth about what he thought he knew. "I do not doubt you, Severus, as long as you don't give me a reason for it. And you are the only one who has not disappointed me yet … well, we do not count earlier failings, do we?" He gave Severus a meaningful look and Severus knew what he was referring to. He caught himself making the decision to keep Remus away from his house and even further away from Lucius. "Everyone makes wrong choices sometimes, Severus, but Lord Voldemort grants second chances."

Severus shuddered again because he felt some of his most precious memories being contaminated by this remark. Remus telling him that one is not defined by his mistakes, and that Severus deserved second chances. It was making Severus angry. He would have to leave now. He would have to leave before the Dark Lord decided to take another glimpse at his mind and find some compromising memories of the second "wrong choice" Severus had made. Fortunately he was dismissed with a wave of the Dark Lord's skeletal hand and Disapparated as quickly as he could without making the impression of running away.

Severus shuffled into the hall, shouldering open the doors that were in his way to his bed. He climbed the stairs to his bedroom in complete darkness and didn't light the candles there, either, for he wasn't feeling up to seeing himself right now. He undressed, sitting down on the edge of the bed and lifted the blanket to slip underneath it, feeling the warmth engulf him immediately. Then he started. Warmth? He shifted his leg and it touched the warm, silky skin of a very impertinent and disobedient werewolf.

Remus lifted his head and sat up when Severus lit his wand tip to be able to look at Remus's becoming face, washing away the Dark Lord's image with the gleaming Felix Felicis streaming out of Remus's very eyes. It was soothing. "You're back," croaked Remus whose eyes were blood-shot.

"And it seems I'm not the only one …" muttered Severus, making Remus smile slightly. "I thought I had told you not to come here."

"I know, I know, it's dangerous and I'm not the common inventory, yes, yes, but I always liked to break rules, it is my nature," said Remus and laid back down, pulling on Severus's night shirt to make him lay down too. Severus put his wand on the pillow and Remus's smile was illuminated as they lay facing each other in Severus's too narrow bed. "I thought you would like to see that someone's waiting for you."

Severus roamed Remus's face, taking in all the nice features he loved to look at and let Remus touch him, take his hand into his and all determination he had felt to keep Remus away from this house, where it was most dangerous for them to be discovered, melted away. He was feeling weak. "No," he said slowly, "I don't care that someone is waiting. I just care that you are." Remus smiled even more broadly and his brow creased in a mixture of sadness and joy. He propped himself up on his elbow and kissed Severus over his wand.

"Was it a bad meeting? Was it hard?" asked Remus and the light of Severus's wand was deepening his frown. Severus looked up at him and thought about the sniggering of the other Death Eaters, about their disapproval of him and he remembered that Remus had never laughed at him, had never mistrusted him, had always drunk his potions without question, had always slept beside him without fear and he thought that that placed him in rather a good light.

"No," said Severus and ran his hand up Remus's back underneath his shabby tee-shirt, feeling the goosebumps he was causing. "Just a usual meeting. Nothing even an anxious werewolf as yourself would have difficulties with."

Remus rolled his eyes with a chuckle and rested his forehead against Severus's. "I am anxious for you," he whispered and kissed Severus again, quite tenderly, quite sweetly, quite perfectly. Severus shivered and loved him. Loved him powerfully. And he was glad his bed was so small. He would make some new memories with Remus for those the Dark Lord had besmirched.


	20. Conclusions

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT, implied Blotts/Flourish

Author Notes: Ho ho ho, wishing you a very Merry Christmas,

Kiraling: I have been overwhelmed by your flood of revies, thank you so much! Especially because you actually wanted to review at the very end of The Teacher ;). I'm glad that you like The Teacher and Journey, and I hope you'l stay with me :).

Resevius: Oh, thank you for saying that :) I'm never quite sure about my depiction of Lucius. Even though he turns up again and again ;).

Emily-pino: Oh, I hope you won't fail your exam because of me D:! But of course I'm glad that you liked this chapter so much. I love to make the summons come when Remus is there ;)

jazzy2may: Sorry to have forgotten to reply last time, I am glad that you are with me again ;) please keep reading.

**Conclusions**

Severus had not expected Remus to spend Christmas with him. He had known that the werewolf would be busy, accompanying Potter and the Weasleys to St. Mungo's and on Christmas Eve he had dinner with them, of course, Severus didn't begrudge him that. But he couldn't stop feeling lonely and gloomy and utterly neglected. He knew it was silly but he hated to think that Remus was with Black at Christmas. A feast which he wanted to spend with his loved ones. Severus was one of his loved ones, wasn't he? Wasn't he? Remus had not told him so in a long time. Severus scowled at himself for he knew he was being ridiculous and out of order. He had never brought it over his lips so why would Remus feel obliged to say it every time they met? But that was much too rational. Severus was angry and disappointed that Remus wasn't spending all his free time with him, was not spending Christmas – which meant nothing to Severus but to Remus and that was enough – with Severus but with Black, Potter and the lot. And he knew that if he had asked for it, Remus would have granted him his wish and been with him. But some things never changed, and Severus never talked. It was his own fault and that made him even angrier. He wished Remus would feel as unhappy without Severus as he was without Remus.

What did Severus care about Albus's visit during which he got permission to use the Pensieve to stow away his most secret memories, lest Potter did something stupid and broke through Severus's defences into his mind. Severus thought he might also put some of his memories with Remus into it when he left for Death Eater meetings but he changed his mind rather quickly when he tried to remove one of his most precious memories, the one that played in a dark staircase with a vanishing step, for even as he was pulling it from his mind it was already painful and empty in his head, so he gave up and let go of it to let it slide back into comfortable place. He would have to live with the danger of being discovered. After all he had many memories and thoughts concerning Remus that were better left unseen by anyone but him. Memories that made his skin tingle and thoughts that made his scowl disappear from his face. The only things that gave him some solace lately. Apart from Remus himself, of course. Another thing that he would never tell. Even though it would make Remus very happy.

A happiness the werewolf gave back to him in pleasant doses whenever he smiled, whenever he granted him a kiss, whenever they touched so naturally, intimately. Whenever they talked as if there had been no breach between them. A happiness that made Severus feel ashamed when he opened his eyes after an uncomfortable dream which he forgot immediately, finding Remus in his bed in the night of the twenty-fifth, holding in his arms the present Severus had sent to him, his eyes closed and his features relaxed in content sleep on Severus's blanket.

Though Remus stayed the whole night and the whole day, he rarely spoke without being spoken to first. Severus found it highly worrying for usually the werewolf couldn't hold back from talking about all kinds of things and ultimately about something important, something that was on his or Severus's mind. There seemed to be something on his mind but he didn't mention it, he just sat there on Severus's sofa, clutching the present to his chest and biting his bottom lip while Severus leaved through the mountain of homework on the coffee table. The silence issuing from Remus made Severus feel violently forced to say something. But whatever he tried, Remus's mind didn't stay with him for long before it drifted back to whatever he was thinking about. Severus didn't like that. He feared that the time when Remus had told him everything that concerned him was long past. He didn't want to accept that there was something he could not get back.

"Something on your mind?" asked Severus sharply when Remus had again fallen back into staring at his feet after their short exchange of words about Arthur Weasley and his idiotic idea to let his Healer try stitches had subsided into silence. Remus looked up a little later than he would have, if there hadn't been anything on his mind and Severus felt stupid for asking a question he already knew the answer to. "Why don't you feel the insuppressible urge to tell me about it?" he added, glancing at George Weasley's excellent essay on the uses of Doxy poison in various brews. He knew it deserved an O but graded it A due to irrelevance as Remus shook his head annoyingly.

"It's nothing," said Remus quietly and pressed Severus's present more tightly against his chest. He was lying, Severus knew, he always saw it in Remus's slightly creased brow, the guilt for having told a lie. He seemed beside himself somehow. In a very calm way. He had unwrapped Severus's present and then, apparently, put the wrappings back in place to carry it around. Severus was sure that whatever was on Remus's mind, it had to do with him, and that knowledge did nothing to reassure Severus.

"Why, that's wonderful," snapped Severus despite himself and turned his attention to Potter's latest essay that would receive a T just because Remus was acting so strangely. The werewolf glanced at Severus and seemed to finally realise that his behaviour was highly disagreeable. He cleared his throat and pulled the wrappings off his present, his mild voice the usual calm hum as he spoke.

"By the way," he said and Severus looked up, "I met another werewolf at St. Mungo's while visiting Arthur. He'd just been bitten and was in the same ward as Arthur, you see, and he was all alone on Christmas day, so I kept him company."

Severus noticed that Remus was displeased with himself, for his brows knitted and he fiddled with the ribbon Severus now felt silly for having put on the present at all. "And was it pleasant company?" drawled Severus, trying not to show his embarrassment or his interest. He thought that for someone who was never punished by Remus he felt quite eager to punish Remus for almost everything he did wrong. He scowled at himself and scratched a whole sentence in Potter's essay with red ink.

"Well," said Remus slowly, "I felt a bit at a loss … he asked me how I coped with suddenly being on my own and I told him that I've been a werewolf all my life and didn't know it differently." He looked at Severus and his amber eyes were sad and weary. Severus didn't want him to feel like that. But he knew that he was unable to make Remus feel better.

"That isn't quite true, is it?" asked Severus quietly. "You experienced the loneliness too."

"Yes, but I was not left alone by my family only because a werewolf had bitten me," said Remus an angry spark in his eyes. "My family was there for me. My friends at school were there for me, you –" He stopped and averted his eyes and Severus felt as if he had just swallowed acid. Severus knew that what he had done was leave Remus alone. Right after having treated him like a mere animal. And he knew that Remus was remembering the same thing while he was again pressing the present to his chest. It was far too dangerous to let this heavy silence linger so Severus acted as if Remus had not mentioned him at all.

"And when everyone had left you, voluntarily or not, you were alone, because of your condition. If anyone knows the difficulties of being a werewolf it must be you," he replied quietly but Remus shook his head and Severus thought that he had somehow missed a conclusion Remus had drawn in the last hours.

"I don't know life any differently, Severus, I never expected people to behave as if I was a normal person. But this man, he _was_ a normal person until only two weeks ago, Severus, he knows life to be easy and normal. And now his family tell him they need some distance and his friends don't talk to him at all anymore. _He_ hasn't changed but his life has, and I don't know how that feels, I don't know how it is not to be a werewolf. I never had to cope with losing everything. I lost everything as other people did, the war robbed me of my friends and family. The first time I really realised that being a werewolf made you an outcast was at Hogwarts, both times," he added with another glance at Severus who just listened silently, trying to form a reply in his head and failing again and again for he, Severus, couldn't really comprehend what Remus was feeling. He felt a pang though when Remus's eyes narrowed for a moment and he noticed that he had been referring to him, too, with that last comment. "All I could tell him was that you get used to meeting people who don't want anything to do with you, don't trust you, and that sometimes, if you're lucky, you meet someone who doesn't care, or someone who will stop caring. And that it has happened to me several times. I told him that his family might come round and to terms with the fact that their loved one would now transform into a werewolf once a month, but that else nothing has changed. He asked me what I'm doing for a living and I told him that unemployment is normal for werewolves and that he would most probably lose his job … he said he already had."

Remus frowned heartbreakingly and bit his bottom lip again. Severus cleared his throat. "But he saw you are managing. I'm sure that made him feel more confident."

Remus gave him a very weak smile. "I know you want to make me feel better, but he also saw the toll it took on me to live this life. I mean I don't look very healthy or even alright. I told him that living in a pack and leading an easier but criminal life is out of the question for me. I hope I had a good influence on him, after all he saw that I was not spending Christmas alone."

Severus huffed and caused Remus to give him an apologetic look that he waved away with his quill. He scratched a whole column of Potter's essay. "You don't want him to join Greyback, do you?" he asked and found Remus's concern well founded. "You think that the anger that werewolf feels for having been left alone will make him easy prey for the savage packs."

Remus sighed heavily and seemed all the more miserable. "Yes," he muttered, "I fear that many have fallen into his hands like that. I mean, it is a difficult fate, but I have lived my whole life like that and I still don't want to live as a wolf rather than a wizard. Greyback's werewolves despise me because of that resolution."

"It is ironic that normal wizards don't commend you because of it," said Severus, scratching a D on Potter's essay to show his good-will. Remus sighed again, and then again, pressing Severus's present even more tightly against his chest. Then he chuckled slightly and pulled his knees up to his chin.

"The funniest thing was that he said he was surprised that Arthur had been referring to me when he told him that he knew a nice werewolf. He said that I didn't look like a werewolf at all," said Remus with a pained smile that stung Severus. "When he said that I looked too friendly and delicate to be a werewolf, he noticed that he was a werewolf himself now and it was rather terrible to see him being prejudiced against himself. He seemed shaken. As if wrenched out of his body and placed into another. He admitted that he had always thought badly of werewolves too."

"It would serve some people right to be bitten, so they realise that you cannot help being a werewolf and that it does not make you a monster," growled Severus, maybe feeling a little too pleased that that guy who would have shunned Remus had he not been bitten himself, had now been shown how wrong he had been about werewolves like Remus. But Remus didn't seem to agree with him, of course Remus, who was never vengeful, would not share his opinion. He managed a very stern look.

"Don't say such things, Severus, I don't want you to say such things, even if you say them for my benefit. Or especially then," he said coolly and Severus felt a chill run down his spine that made him scowl petulantly.

"You cannot deny that Umbridge deserves to be bitten for all the discrimination she makes your life harder with," he snapped and tossed the essays on the table. "Wouldn't you want her to feel that pain personally?"

Remus seemed unimpressed and yet his eyes were sparkling angrily again. "That is not how I am, Severus," he said in a deadly calm that made Severus freeze in shame and shock as he sank back into his armchair, his face no doubt betraying his feelings as he heard the unsaid words 'that is how you are' that reminded him of what he had done to make Remus feel his pain, the pictures of it still clear in his mind, the pictures of the bruises he had caused on Remus's face and the tears he had made flow from his eyes. Remus's eyes softened and his features became mild as he leant forward. "Let us just say that I know the full range and you do not, alright? Let us just say I am a werewolf and you are not."

Severus jerked his head and averted his eyes, hating the fact that there was something they would never share, something he could never comprehend. "Surely that werewolf you met will prefer you over the savage beasts that belong to Greyback's pack," mumbled Severus to diffuse the tension. "If he gets the idea to join, he will soon realise what it means to live like a wild werewolf."

Remus frowned again and ran his hand over Severus's present. "You make it sound as if they were –"

"They are," interrupted Severus. "They are savage not by nature, but by choice. There is no need to defend them, for they have decided to fulfil the cliché. I know them, Remus, I have seen them. And you are nothing like them."

Remus's eyes were sad again and though Severus knew that he wanted to say that those werewolves were forced into that life, Severus knew better. He knew Remus and thus he claimed himself an expert. There were other ways than the easy ones, Albus had said it. There were right ways and then there were those who were too weak to take them. Severus had been weak too. But he had turned and chosen to start anew on the right way. Remus had not needed a second try. No, he was nothing like those werewolves. He was nothing like Severus. Suddenly Remus smiled rather sweetly and nodded as he leant back again to lift up the tee-shirt Severus had given him for Christmas, the lemon, cherry and apple drops Severus had added to the package falling into his lap. Remus chuckled a pleasant chuckle that made Severus feel warmer than he had all day.

"I thought you didn't like the Muggle attire I wear to bed," he said, turning the tee-shirt to show Severus the picture that was printed on the front – an explosion of sweets, a Honeydukes advertisement tee-shirt. Severus shrugged.

"I thought you would," he said simply and picked up the essays he had thrown from him. "I admit I am no expert but isn't a Christmas present supposed to please the one who receives it not the one who gives it? Now you can finally get rid of that old one."

Remus got up from the sofa and knelt down in front of Severus, laying his arms on Severus's legs. "Thank you," he said softly, putting his head against Severus's stomach. "I thought you might not like to celebrate Christmas anymore."

"I don't," muttered Severus and let the essays fall to the floor to touch Remus's soft hair. "But you do."

Remus chuckled into Severus's stomach and the humming of it made Severus shiver. He thought that whatever had been occupying the werewolf's busy mind was now forgotten and hadn't been so important after all. But he was mistaken. With Christmas gone and the new term approaching, Black seemed more and more unpleasant to everyone and though Severus felt that fairness had returned to the world, it bothered Remus very much to see his old friend sulking and moping and being so utterly self-pitying that Severus wanted to beat some sense into him and make him realise that everyone else in the Order had more reason to feel miserable than he had.

But Black wouldn't listen to anyone, least of all to Severus. He was as unpleasant to him as ever at the meeting that took place after Christmas. It was a meeting to inform everyone of the Dark Lord's plans to free the Death Eaters who were still held captive and of his knowledge of Potter's connection to him. No very pleasant topics, but that was no reason for Black to attack him for them was it?

"And you had nothing better to do than telling Voldemort that he can control Harry's mind?" he barked at Severus as he finished his report on the Dark Lord's private conversation with him. "Couldn't have told him some story about it, could you?"

Severus was always close to exploding when Black was in the room and he could never just ignore him. He liked to blame him for what had happened between Remus and him, for what was still hovering between them and he thought he was quite right. "How do you imagine that, Black? The Dark Lord already knew about that circumstance and I would only have endangered my position in his circle had I tried to convince him that Potter had just incidentally dreamt of a huge snake attacking Arthur Weasley while it was actually happening!" he snapped and thought that that settled it but Black didn't seem to be willing to give up. On the contrary, apparently he was thankful for a fight with Severus whom no one in the room liked. At least to his knowledge.

"You could have worked a little harder then," he said malignantly, "you are supposed to be trusted by him, you could have told him that it is dangerous to control Harry, or that it would be no use. Instead you encourage him to possess my godson!"

"I have done no such thing, Black, I have merely fulfilled my task. The Dark Lord makes his own decisions and no one can change his mind," replied Severus softly and paused before adding, "To me Potter is neither your godson nor anyone to worry about. He is merely a nasty boy who makes it hard on everyone to protect him. Maybe you should take that view as well, so your feelings don't mess with your common sense, Black, maybe you would finally realise that your beloved Potter is a potential danger to our purpose."

Black rose from his chair, knocking it over in the process and making Remus, who was sitting beside him, flinch. "As if you even had a purpose," growled Black, slamming his hands on the table. "I'm warning you now, _Snivellus_, Harry is not Voldemort's tool and you will not speak of him like that in my house!"

"Then maybe of you?" offered Severus as maliciously, so enraged by Black's use of the loathed nickname that he could barely keep his voice level. Black opened his mouth but his retort was stopped in its tracks by Remus who seized his arm and pulled.

"That's enough," said he sharply and Black shot him a petulant look before he picked up his chair and sat down in it obediently. Yes, he was a very well-trained dog. But Severus thought he was very well conditioned himself, when he saw Remus's stern face turn to him, lips bitten and bruised from too long thinking and eyes dull and mysterious.

Severus lingered as usual after the meeting had ended and watched as everyone filed out. Everyone except Black and Remus. Severus dug his fingers deeply into his arm in anger as his eyes fixed on the pair of them, Black whining about the unfairness of his situation and Remus, the fool, comforting him best he could, and being treated unfairly in return.

"I'll be alone again when the holidays are over, and you know I would have been alone, had Arthur not been attacked," said Black, giving Remus a reproachful glance that made Remus put his arm round Black's shoulders in an annoyingly intimate fashion that almost made Severus lose his temper as the werewolf rested his forehead against Black's temple. "I'm imprisoned in this house and you are out there doing something useful."

"Sirius, you know I'm trying my best to be here as often as I can," said Remus quietly and squeezed Black's shoulders.

"No, you're not," snapped Black and shrugged off Remus's arm. "You are leaving for days on end without even telling me where you are going. You don't want to be here, either, even though you claim to be my friend. And you protect Snivellus instead of backing me. Sometimes I feel like you've forgotten that we are friends."

Remus looked at him with wide, shocked eyes and Severus itched to curse Black for upsetting the werewolf like that, for pretending that he cared about him even though it was only himself he cared about, even though he only wanted to force Remus to be someone he had long ceased to be, because Black had not changed in prison, had not grown up, had probably hoped that he would find his old pal just waiting for him to break out of prison so they could go back to playing pranks and telling jokes and having a good time. And Remus, foolhardy Remus, felt responsible.

"Don't say something like that, Sirius, you know I'm your friend, you know I care about you. But I cannot stop living my life just because you need company. You need to stop being so depressed and make the best of it. I promise you I will be here more often so you don't have to be alone."

Black shrugged and hugged Remus much too tightly for Severus's taste before he got up to slouch upstairs. Remus looked after him for a few moments before he heaved an enormous sigh and got up too, apparently completely forgetting that Severus was there, to ascend the stairs. Now it was Severus's turn to look after someone and he tried to keep his anger at bay, hold his tongue when he decided to climb the stairs to the first floor and enter Remus's bedroom without knocking only to be greeted with another sigh.

"Sirius, I'm tired so if you want to talk let us postpone it –"

"If you call me by that name again, I will have no other choice but to hex you," growled Severus and Remus turned in surprise, his features turning from worried to apologetic.

"Oh, Severus, I'm so sorry, I was absent-minded," he said, shedding his robe and pulling his cravat from his neck. Severus crossed his arms and scowled at him.

"I take it you are staying here tonight?" he said quietly and with an edge to his voice that he could not hide. "I'm just asking because I have to leave now, I'm still expecting some calls and I have work to do at Spinner's End."

Remus nodded and his eyes became more mysterious still, somehow closed. "If I leave now and Sirius notices it, he will only feel affirmed in his suspicions that I don't wish to be with him in this house which will again trigger his downward spiral of self-destruction," he explained calmly and though Severus knew Remus was just as annoyed by it as he was, he felt neglected once again for the benefit of Black who had no right whatsoever to steal Remus from him.

"And you feel responsible?" asked Severus, the edge in his voice becoming so sharp it stung on his tongue.

"I do," said Remus curtly and opened the upper buttons of his shirt. Severus was fuming now and he wished that shouting at Remus didn't hurt so much. He would have shouted then. He would have told Remus what a fool he was if it hadn't been for that expression in Remus's eyes. He was ready to turn away and leave it at that for he feared a breach that could destroy the fine thread that still tied Remus and him together. Just how fine that thread was he realised then, when he chose to be silent instead of telling Remus what was lying ready on his tongue. And he felt the year that had passed in silence weighing down on them both and making the air freezing cold, making it clear that they had not sorted everything out after all.

Severus made to turn to the door but Remus's voice, so unusually tense, stopped him. "Do you have anything to say, Severus?"

Severus's jaw set and he clenched his teeth, raising his eyes to Remus's when he pressed, "Yes, I have quite a lot to say."

"Then say it," said Remus more harshly than Severus had heard him in ages. "I cannot look into your mind and see what it is that's angering you, I only know that something is, so would you please enlighten me?"

Severus's eyes drifted over the nicely curved collarbone he liked to trace at night when Remus was asleep beside him, and lingered on the soft fingers that held him even in his dreams and he felt that he wasn't softened by the sight but infuriated even more. "Fine," he snapped, "fine, I'll tell you what is angering me, Black is angering me, and you are angering me because he thinks he can manipulate you into feeling guilty and you don't even blame him for it but reward him with your care! He is not entitled to your care! He doesn't deserve your presence, what has he ever done to deserve your love?"

Remus's brow creased and he gave Severus the most desperate of looks. "He's my friend," he said in almost a whimper. "He loves me."

"No, he doesn't," retorted Severus even though he knew that it would hurt Remus to hear it, Severus knew it was the truth and he didn't want to share Remus with someone who treated him like a puppet. "He loves the man you were, not the one you are! He tries to press you into a mould that you no longer fit in, and when he doesn't succeed because you and I know that the man you are now is much better than the boy you were then, he treats you like you were at fault for his miserable existence, he blames you for his own shortcomings and talks to you without caring about your feelings just to make you stay with him out of guilt. He does not deserve to demand your care and now don't tell me he doesn't demand it because I have just heard him demand it! It is a mystery to me why you would ever want to be his friend when he treats you like a ragdoll!"

"And how did you treat me, Severus?"

The words rung in Severus's head like an echo that was insinuating instead of subsiding. Though they had been spoken quietly they sounded like a yell and felt like a slap and they made Severus fall silent in cold shock, while his eyes widened. Severus felt as if he had been thrown into a frozen lake to drown, every shallow breath he took seemed to be filling his lungs with ice and the longer the ringing silence stretched the number felt his limbs. He would die, he knew he would, if not from lack of air, then from the sheer piercing pain Remus's words had shot through him.

Remus looked calmly at him and Severus knew that the mysterious expression in his eyes had been suppressed anger. Nothing had been sorted out. They were swimming in a sea of icy blame and disappointment. There it was, the emotion Severus had feared all this time, because of which he had not wanted to find Remus when he had been ready to do so. This was what he had been scared of. This was what he had in the last weeks thought Remus to be void of. But Remus was human and even he felt anger and pain and even he would at one point not be able to hold them down anymore and hide them from Severus's unworthy eyes, so misty with illusions.

It was a horrible feeling to be confronted with those words which should not have surprised him. He knew he deserved to hear them, knew he had no right to feel hurt by the question, the question that had been uttered to hurt, so unlike Remus and yet so justified. For he saw the flashes of what he had done before his eyes as they flitted past, flying ropes, a body crashing to the floor, a mouth uttering horrid accusations, horrid threats, a carriage driving off and then nothing, nothing at all for such a long time that anyone only slightly less kind than Remus would have cursed Severus and moved on without thinking twice. Those words were supposed to remind him of how unworthy he was while he was talking about the unworthiness of someone else, for no one deserved Remus Lupin. They were supposed to break his arrogant attitude, to show him that it was Remus who chose to be kind, Remus who endowed his love on those who didn't deserve it, to show him that he was in no position to complain, he who had treated Remus dreadfully and cowardly and had not even apologised for it. Supposed to make Severus feel the pain that Remus must have been suppressing all this time because he was scared to lose the one he loved. But that was not how Remus was. His face softened and then became worried and sad and the golden eyes swam and the delicate hands lifted.

"I'm sorry," said he in a voice that was full of despair and regret, "I didn't mean to say that."

"No," replied Severus, his own voice breaking as his knees got too weak to carry his weight and he stumbled backwards, hitting the door with his back, "you are quite right."

He reached behind him, his numb fingers fumbling clumsily with the doorknob, and wrenched the door open, slipping out of the room as fast as he could and stumbling down the stairs without falling while Remus was calling his name in a voice that was thick with tears that Severus felt as a stinging lump in his throat. For Remus had just realised what Severus had known all along, that he didn't deserve the love Remus had decided to give to him, that some differences could not be overcome, that some mistakes could not be erased. And that Remus who was good and kind and loving had no business to spare Severus the pain of rejection and anger. That Severus was unworthy in every respect. One doesn't stop being a Death Eater. Coward. Murderer. Monster.


	21. Yours and Mine

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling including the dialogues taken from OotP.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: Okay, first off: I wish you a Happy New Year! My Christmas was pretty boring, hope yours was better. I reached the 100.000 words and was pleasantly surprised to find so many new reviews. Thanks, that was your present to me :). I must have done something right with that last chapter, could it be that you like to see Severus suffering? ;) So, here you are, a new chapter, and quite a long one too. Remus is Remus, and Severus is slightly emotional here :).**  
**

Resevius: Wow, I'm having problems finding words, right now. I thank you for sharing, this, really. I don't know what to say, it was special and I feel honoured that you told me this. YOU gave ME something to think about. And it is such a great compliment that I was able to touch you, who knows what Remus must be feeling. It makes me happy to know that what I wrote actually makes sense and that I could transmit Remus's feelings and thoughts in a believable way, that being very important to me, just as important as having given you a good reading experience :). Oh, and thanks for saying that I do Lucius's characterisation well, I was aiming for picturing his weaker side, that he obviously has, which is why I find him so interesting. About Sirius being despicable: well, writing from Severus's PoV I sometimes start disliking Sirius or Tonks very strongly even though I like Tonks and I don't really hate Sirius, either, it is really Severus I make Sirius so dispicable for, because I think that's how he sees him. Glad you liked the chapter so much, thanks again for your wonderful review. I wish you only the best for the future and I hope that there will be very few brick walls in your way, or even better: none at all!

m101: Thank you so much, good to know that the line did what I wanted it to do :).

Kiraling: Yes, I absolutely agree and Severus does too ;). The thing with Remus is that he is still scared of losing Severus if he does put his foot down :). Though I don't know if I agree that Sirius is better for Remus. I think that he is good for him in a different way from Severus. Still, maybe Severus isn't exactly a very pleasant person, he has so much in common with Remus and they understand each other so well that Sirius can't compete, especially because he doesn't know Remus as he is now. Yet I agree that Remus should be there for him (they ARE friends after all), and that Severus is out of order. Which is why I punished him ;).

BlackDawnRose: Hello again :), I'm so sorry xD but there were quite a few happy moments, weren't there? Aaaaand: there's one here too. Enjoy it as long as it lasts ;). I wanted to thump Sirius all through book 5 btw ... no, it's not his fault, he's in a difficult situation :).

KnockerOnADoor: No matter, glad you reviewed now :D. You know, I think I'm going to get myself a cup of cocoa too now ... Maybe I will send Sev to McGonagall on a drink ;).

SAbine: Don't worry, there will be MANY more chapters ;), so many that you'll soon be sick of me. I won't make you wait longer than necessary, never fear :).

Emily-pino: Thanks so much :D! Yes, they do make it once again. I also think that those fights actually make them draw closer together. And I think I might fail my tests because of writing so much xD. I loved that chapter, which makes me even happier that you liked it.

TheName'sJes: You know, when I was planning that chapter, that was exactly why I made it so angsty: because the previous chapters had been so sweet :). I thought that a little angst would do the story some good. Remus and Severus are connected by their self-loathing ^^. I'm glad you liked the present :).

**Yours and Mine**

Severus had closed his fireplace and strengthened the defences on his house. He didn't want anyone to intrude on his misery. And in misery he was. Indulging in it. He hadn't left his bed in three days. Hadn't let anyone call or reacted to any letters. He didn't care that he was endangering his relationship with Lucius or that the mountain of homework that was still lying on his coffee table didn't shrink of its own accord. The Dark Lord didn't call him and there was nothing else that would make him get out of bed or the house. He still felt numb and he doubted that even a call from the Dark Lord could have given him enough determination to drag himself out of the pit he had fallen into.

He was lying on his side and hugging the blanket to his chest, too weak even to curl up into a ball. He didn't bother drying his face for it would be streaked by tears again anyway. He didn't move an inch, didn't tense a muscle, just lay there, his eyes burning and unfocused. He felt so lethargic that he couldn't find it in him to care about anything but the misery of his existence. His face felt hot again where the witnesses of his grief ran over his skin after his eyes had flowed over once more in a surge of silent agony. He couldn't even find it in himself to care that he was being pathetic. He had all right to be pathetic. He was choking on that wicked feeling that Albus valued so much.

He was still in that frozen lake but above his head the hole he had fallen in through had closed and he was left breathing in the icy cold water that was slowly suffocating him. At first he thought it was his mind playing tricks on him but after a while he realised that he was indeed hearing a voice calling him. For a blissful moment Severus thought it was Remus but when he lifted his head to look round he found Albus's Patronus-Fawkes sitting on his bed and let his head drop back onto his moist pillow.

"Go away," he mumbled and failed to sound as angry as he would have liked to be. Anger would be better than this. Albus, of course, didn't respect his wish to be alone with his agony. He called his name again and again until Severus pulled his pillow out from under his head and tossed it right through the Patronus that dissolved and rematerialised in front of Severus's face. Though it didn't have an expression, Severus heard in his voice what Albus must be looking like right now.

"Severus, this is inacceptable, nobody reaches you, while you hide in your house to sulk because of who knows what has happened," said Fawkes in a loud, strict voice that reverberated in the tiny bedroom. "I don't know you to be so unreliable and to be quite frank with you, I am disappointed. You will get up, get your act together and inform Harry of his need to study Occlumency. If you don't I will break your defensive spells and drag you out of there personally."

The Patronus vanished and Severus felt the anger flare up inside him, finally pushing the grief aside to fill him up completely. What did Albus know about his feelings? What right did he have to talk to him like that while he was dying of grief? He wiped his face with his sleeve and tossed the blanket away from him, slamming his feet to the floor so hard that he swayed a little when he heaved his weight onto his weak legs. Somehow his body had turned from lethargic to too powerful. He tore his shirt when he pulled it over his shoulders and had to mend it with his wand before he continued dressing more carefully.

Pathetic, he scolded himself. Pathetic. He stomped down the stairs and slammed the doors, causing a draught in the sitting room that blew the essays off the table. Severus glared at them but made no move to gather them up again. He would go to Grimmauld Place, tell Potter that he was doomed, hopefully avoid Remus – he flinched ridiculously as a pang shot through his body – and return here as soon as he could to crawl back into bed where he didn't have to hide his emotions and could behave in as undignified a manner as he wished. All alone.

He Apparated to the doorstep of number twelve and knocked, hoping dearly that Remus wouldn't open the door. He was lucky for once and yet disappointed when he saw Molly Weasley's face as the door was opened. She stepped aside to let him in and he asked her as levelly as he could to call Potter into the kitchen before he descended into the cellar. The only thing that could have been just as bad as meeting Remus there was meeting Black. And of course there he was, tilting his chair back like he had used to at school, and scowling up at Severus rather more skillfully than anyone would have managed.

Severus walked round the table wordlessly and sat down opposite Black, hoping that Potter would hurry the hell up. After a few minutes of deadly silence Severus cleared his throat. "Dumbledore wanted me to see Potter alone," he said quietly, trying to avoid a provocation.

"Dumbledore told me you'd come and as I am Harry's guardian you have no right to send me out," growled Black who felt, of course, provoked and pointed at the letter that was lying open on the table before him. "All you have to say to him, you also have to say to me. And I won't leave you alone with my godson so you can bully him better."

Severus glared at him and was sure that Remus had told Black that he liked to bully Potter. "If you think that you will be able to help Potter, I will of course grant you the pleasure of feeling important for a change," sneered Severus, crossing his arms and looking pointedly away from that loathed face. Black made no answer – miraculously – but just glared into the opposite direction and they waited in hateful silence until finally Potter relieved them by entering the kitchen with a stupid 'er', his face confused and anxious as he looked from Severus to Black.

"Sit down, Potter," said Severus simply and found nothing in that sentence that could have angered Black. But Black seemed angry at the world.

"You know," he said too loudly, tilting his chair back once more, "I think I'd prefer it if you didn't give orders here, Snape. It's my house, you see."

Severus felt hot fury shoot through his body into his face and he knew that he had no strength left after days of miserable self-pity, to control himself much longer. But really, who would cry over Black's body? Potter sat down beside Black and Severus decided not to retort anything. He would get this over with quickly.

"I was supposed to see you alone, Potter," sneered Severus, "but Black –"

"I'm his godfather," said Black even more loudly and his ugly voice made Severus's ears hurt.

"I'm here on Dumbledore's orders," replied Severus, lowering his voice to keep his anger at bay, "but by all means stay, Black, I know you like to feel … involved." Severus couldn't help being provocative, after all. He hated Black, hated him so much, his ways, his voice, his face, and he indulged in that hatred rather than in the love for Remus that was suffocating him cruelly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Black and his chair banged back down. Severus felt his chance to finally silence him approaching and seized it with cold pleasure.

"Merely that I am sure you must feel – ah – frustrated by the fact that you can do nothing _useful_ for the Order." Other than me, Severus added in his mind and he would have added it aloud had he not known that Black would have started talking about the Dark Lord. Severus was in no state for such an argument. But as Black flushed and didn't retort, Severus managed a triumphant sneer before turning to Potter. And he remembered that he was not here to humiliate Black but to talk to the boy. "The Headmaster has sent me to tell you, Potter, that it is his wish for you to study Occlumency this term."

"Study what?" asked Potter stupidly and his face looked very blank indeed. Severus couldn't help feeling a malicious glee. He knew the boy couldn't help his poor education, but he was sure Granger would have known what Occlumency was.

"Occlumency, Potter. The magical defence of the mind against external penetration," explained Severus wishing he had the energy to brag a bit and humiliate godfather and son even more but not finding it in himself. "An obscure branch of magic, but a highly useful one."

Severus watched Potter as his face became worried and he could see Potter's mind racing, could almost hear it as he realised what Severus was saying and what that meant. After a moment Potter seemed to be ready to ask what Severus was sure he was afraid to hear the answer to. "Why do I have to study Occlu– thing?" he blurted out and Severus knew that no one would want the boy to know the truth. Though it might have helped motivating him to learn Occlumency.

"Because the Headmaster thinks it a good idea," said Severus and felt Black's eyes on him. "You will receive private lessons once a week, but you will not tell anybody what you are doing, least of all Dolores Umbridge. You understand?"

"Yes," said Potter and Severus felt the question coming before Potter had asked it. "Who's going to be teaching me?"

Severus raised an eyebrow and hated to say what he had to say, knew that Potter would be just as delighted by the news as he had been. "I am," he said simply and watched Potter's face fall shamelessly. Severus couldn't even blame him. He was still wondering how to get out of the matter, especially since he was averse to doing Albus a favour after his harsh words when he was bathing in misery. Potter turned to Black, obviously hoping that his godfather could help him out of that horrible situation. Severus wondered if Potter actually believed that there still was a way out. Didn't he know that Severus would have found one if there was one?

"Why can't Dumbledore teach Harry?" snapped Black violently and Severus dug his fingernails into his palms. "Why you?" Such a disrespectful mutt he was. So ungrateful. So horrid. Severus hated him. He tried to hate him even more forcefully when he felt the pain return to his chest and decided that he had to leave now for if he hated him even more to push away the pain, he would have to kill him.

Of course he knew the proper answer to Black's question but as Potter was there, and as he didn't feel obliged to tell Black anything, he avoided answering properly. "Maybe because it is a headmaster's privilege to delegate less enjoyable tasks. I assure you I didn't beg for the job," he said silkily and got to his feet, he was in rather a hurry to leave for he felt his already blood-shot eyes prickling again. "I will expect you at six o'clock on Monday evening, Potter. My office. If anybody asks, you are taking remedial Potions," he said and it had come to him quite spontaneously. He thought it was perfect to humiliate Potter. "Nobody who has seen you in my classes could deny you need them."

Severus turned to finally leave this depressing kitchen and the two people he hated so much behind and thought that he might just collapse on the doorstep for his legs felt weak as he looked up the staircase he would now have to climb, all the while in danger of running into Remus, whose sight would hurt him more than anything.

"Wait a moment," said Black behind him and Severus turned reluctantly.

"I am in rather a hurry, Black. Unlike you I do not have unlimited leisure time," he said with a sneer.

"I'll get to the point then," said Black and got up, once more primitively using his height to feel superior. Severus hated him so powerfully that he imagined killing him, slicing him up and selling him as rat guts in tiny phials. He balled his fist around his wand and was ready to draw it at any time. He hoped he would get the chance. "If I hear you're using these Occlumency lessons to give Harry a hard time, you'll have me to answer to."

Oh, now that scared Severus horribly, didn't it? He could give Potter a hard time whenever he wanted and Black was the last person to whom he would have to answer for anything. The times when Severus had been the inferior one had long passed. And right now he wished to show Black who was to be scared of whom. He wanted to hex him just because Remus had decided to stay with him. "How touching," sneered Severus and cast around for something nasty to say to make Black draw his wand. "But surely you have noticed that Potter is very like his father."

"Yes, I have," said Black in a ridiculously proud voice, apparently still deluded about his late friend.

"Well then, you'll know he's so arrogant that criticism simply bounces off him," said Severus, prepared for the echo. And he achieved what he had wanted. Black pushed his chair aside and as he strode towards Severus he pulled out his wand, causing Severus to whip out his own, always ready to defend himself and much too clever to attack. Black was coming very close and holding his wand up into Severus's face. He bent his head to come even closer and was only a foot away now.

"Sirius," said Potter loudly but Black and Severus ignored him. Children were to keep out of the grown-ups' conversations.

"I've warned you, _Snivellus_," said Black threateningly and Severus wanted to curse him for using that name that reminded him so much of the pathetic boy he had been, bullied by this despicable man before him, "I don't care if Dumbledore thinks you've reformed, I know better –"

"Oh, but why don't you tell him so?" whispered Severus even angrier than before. Nothing did Black know about him, nothing at all. He had no right to talk to him like that, not when Severus was protecting Potter and risking his life for Dumbledore, not when Remus who knew him said the exact opposite. Remus whom Severus had hurt horribly, and Severus felt cold and his hatred turned against himself. "Or are you afraid he might not take very seriously the advice of a man who has been hiding inside his mother's house for six months?"

Black didn't miss the turn from argument to insulting match and caught on immediately. "Tell me, how is Lucius Malfoy these days? I expect he's delighted his lapdog's working at Hogwarts, isn't he?"

At first Severus felt furious for being called a lapdog, especially since he knew Lucius so much better than Black and had never in the last decade been less than on eye level with him. But then he realised that Black had given him a perfect nudge into the right direction. "Speaking of dogs," said Severus softly, "did you know that Lucius Malfoy recognised you last time you risked a little jaunt outside? Clever idea, Black, getting yourself seen on a safe station platform … gave you a cast-iron excuse not to leave your hidey-hole in future, didn't it?"

Black raised his wand and Severus raised his. Potter yelled and was trying to force them apart in the blink of an eye. "Are you calling me a coward?" roared Black and tried to push Potter away but the boy was stupid enough to stay where he was.

"Why, yes, I suppose I am," said Severus and it felt as if he were talking to himself. He didn't like it. He had no time to ponder, though, as Black tried to push Potter out of the way more forcefully and was now anytime going to curse Severus who gripped his wand more tightly. But the relieving fight never broke loose since the door opened and the Weasleys entered, including Granger, all beaming disgustingly.

"Cured!" said Arthur Weasley brightly. "Completely cured!" Severus begrudged everyone for their happiness. He had lost his, it had drained through the floor of Remus's bedroom and apparently seeped into the intruders who stopped dead when they noticed Black, Potter and Severus, frozen in the process of preparing for a duel. A duel that Severus would have won. "Merlin's beard," said Arthur and his face fell, "what's going on here?"

Severus let his wand sink and stepped away from Potter, whose hand was still pushing slightly against his shoulder. He hated to be touched by other people. He glanced loathingly at Potter and Black and decided that they would have to be struck down some other time when there was no one there who would hold him back or be able to testify against him in a trial. So, he put his wand away, turned on his heel and passed the Weasleys without even so much as a word of greeting. He turned back to Potter when he reached the door.

"Six o'clock, Monday evening, Potter," he said and left them all behind as he ascended the stairs, taking two steps at a time, then three. He couldn't wait to leave the house. And then when he passed the foot of the stairs to the first floor his grief hit him squarely in the chest and he tumbled against the wall, hugging himself and bending his head, his eyes screwed up. He could barely breathe. And when he heard steps coming down the stairs he couldn't move.

"Severus?" said that wonderful voice that was like honey on Severus's mutilated soul. Severus couldn't bear the sweetness of it when he knew he didn't deserve it. "Severus, are you alright?"

Severus straightened up with difficulty and looked up at him and thought his eyes should burn as punishment because he had no right to look at Remus, to appreciate his becoming features, his delicate frame, his graceful movements, his sad golden eyes. No right to want to touch him. Now. He continued down the hall without answering, because he could not speak to Remus. But the werewolf came all the way down the stairs and called his name.

"Severus, stop!" he said firmly but Severus put his hand on the doorknob. "Stop right now, Severus Snape, and don't make me run after you! I'm sick and tired of running after you!" cried Remus and startled Severus into turning around to him and staring into his beautiful eyes before averting his own in shame. "I want to talk to you," added Remus stepping closer. "But you didn't come back and your fireplace was sealed. And now we've wasted another three days that we could have spent together."

Severus was surprised that Remus talked about spending time together and feared that he had been acting like a moron. Once again. "You mean I wasted them," he muttered, staring at his feet.

Remus seemed to be struggling for a moment before he gave in to the urge to say, "Yes, that's what I mean." Severus leant against the door and felt devastated. "Severus …"

"If you want to be rid of me, I will not protest," whispered Severus and it cost him all the strength he had left. He hated the pain he caused Remus, and if he had to, he would never look at the werewolf again, just so he would stop hurting him. No, just so Severus's own pain stopped. Remus gave him a bewildered look and grabbed his hand, holding it in both of his.

"What _are_ you talking about?" he said quietly. Severus met his eyes and his brow creased, his eyes threatening to fill with embarrassing tears. He took a deep breath and squeezed Remus's hand despite himself, much too weak to keep to his selfless plan of letting Remus go. He couldn't, wouldn't allow it. He would bear every punishment, every bit of anger Remus could muster and throw at him, though Severus couldn't imagine that there was any anger left in Remus's body. In his eyes there was only that depressing sadness. And Severus thought that he would bear that sadness as well. "Come."

Remus tugged on his hand and pulled him to the stairs. Severus followed him obediently into his bedroom and waited as Remus locked the door. Severus shivered when a gentle hand came to rest in the small of his back. Remus's touch was redeeming after three lonely days full of misery. But the misery was still present in his body. He did not know how to touch Remus, now that he knew that Remus had not just forgotten Severus's mistakes.

"I don't remember saying anything about wanting to be rid of you," said Remus from behind him and it was the best and most annoying thing he could have said. Severus didn't turn round to him as he balled his fists and replied.

"But you said –"

"I know what I said," interrupted Remus in a slightly impatient voice. "I was angry. I couldn't stop myself, I wanted you to realise what you were saying. It seems I was right in suppressing my anger, as such a small remark as this made you turn on your heel and run away to shut yourself up."

Severus felt humiliated. He felt unfairly treated. He felt like a prick. Of course, he always told Remus of his anger and Remus never withdrew from a painful conversation, and the first time Remus dared voice some of his frustration, Severus fled and kept him at a distance so he wouldn't be forced into a confrontation with everything he hated about himself, felt ashamed about, and in the worst case even the rejection that Remus had been too foolish to give in the very beginning. And yet, Severus could not agree that this was small.

"It was not just some small remark," he snarled and was angry at Remus for not understanding what that question had done to him. Remus Lupin who always understood everything. "There could have been no other phrase that would have been filled with so much subtext. And I am surprised at you for I never knew you to use your excellent feeling to hurt others."

Remus walked round Severus and his face was very stern. Severus regretted having said anything at all. "I didn't want to hurt you," he said in a surprisingly apologetic voice. "But I find it a bit unfair of you to say something like that, when you have always told me exactly what I am doing wrong and how I am annoying you in harsh tones and without care and as soon as I dare let slip a rhetorical question that implies something you did, the memory of which hurts you – and do not forget that it hurts me just as much – you accuse me of having treated you cruelly."

Severus just stared at Remus's lips, nicely curved even in anger, and wished he could just seal them and end this awful situation. He knew Remus was right. And that made it even worse. He made no answer but felt that Remus's eyes roamed his face for it and eventually found it in the creases on his forehead.

"And about the walking out on me," said Remus more mildly, "I thought we had got over that. There is no need to run from me and as you might realise, talking solves problems, running away creates them. If you demand from me to keep to our old agreements, then I am entitled to ask the same of you."

He paused again to give Severus the possibility to finally say something, but Severus had never been good at these conversations. He felt helpless and lost. What was he to say, really, when everything Remus said was right and didn't need any comment? Then there was something on Severus's mind. "You said you had forgiven … you said there was no need for further talk," he said softly, still not meeting Remus's eyes. The werewolf sighed.

"I thought I could just ignore it," he said wearily. "I thought the knowledge that you did want me back, after all, would be enough to make up for the long wait. But I was wrong. You didn't come to me, we met by force and I was the one who provoked you into restarting this relationship. And the more I thought about it, about the fact that all this time you kept me waiting even though you felt the same, the more I wondered why on earth you didn't want me back."

"I did," spat Severus, "what do you know about what I wanted?"

"Well, then tell me, Severus," cried Remus in exasperation. "You couldn't even give me an explanation why you didn't come, you couldn't even find it in you to apologise for the silence you kept all this time. I do not hold a grudge on you for what happened in the Shrieking Shack, or afterwards, for I know that I deserved it, that it was merely the punishment for my stupidity, my mistakes, but I bloody well deserve to know why you couldn't even write me a letter to tell me what you were feeling, or that I should not wait, as you obviously didn't want me to wait for you. If it was just pity that made you kiss me that night down there in the staircase then please tell me, so I can relieve you of me!"

Severus couldn't bear what he was hearing. Couldn't bear that the werewolf was actually feeling like he had felt many times in the past. And while he was considering Remus's face he knew that this was what he had been afraid of all this year, this disappointment in Remus's eyes, this sadness in his voice. And still he didn't throw Severus out like he should, still he was being the fool he was, and hurt merely with the potential loss of Severus's presence. It pained Severus more than he could possibly say. And he knew that he could escape from this situation by only uttering three words that would make Remus forget his anger, forget what Severus had done to him, just three words of truth. But what ill usage would it be, what cowardly thoughts. Even now there was no way he could utter those three words and he would not utter them for such petty reasons. There was an explanation and Remus deserved to hear it, deserved to know that it had not been pity but passion, longing, weakness that had caused the kiss. The realisation of Severus's stupidity.

"I did want you to wait," he replied more calmly than he had thought possible. "But I had no right to want that. After my irrational anger at you had ceased, it was the shame of my own actions that kept me from talking to you. I feared looking at you and seeing that forgiveness in your face and the profound sadness I have etched into it. I would rather have been slapped and yelled at, to receive some retaliation for my deeds." Severus paused and it was Remus this time who didn't reply. It was him who stared. "When the need to see you had grown stronger than the fear, it was not because I had become a better person, it was the Dark Mark growing clearer that made me long for your company, to support me, soothe me while I was scared or exhausted. And the wish to see you to relieve me of my woes disgusted me. I had no right to hope that you were still waiting, no right whatsoever to heave my burden onto your already plagued shoulders after what I had done to you, after months of cowardly silence. And I knew I could only stay so selfless while not being face to face with you. I was right, obviously, as I could not resist you when you were finally there and I was sure that your feelings hadn't changed, after all. That is the reason why I would never have tried to find you. Even now, I don't deserve you and I am positively surprised that you just don't want to understand that fact."

Remus looked at him for a long moment before speaking again. "I am surprised that I have not been able to make you understand that I decide if you deserve me or not," he said quietly. "If you give me the chance to do so, instead of being scared of the answer. I would have liked to share that burden with you. I would have been glad to support you."

"It wasn't about what you would have agreed to do," said Severus and passed a hand over his face. "A wretched man like me should never be ruthless enough to accept the comfort of a saint like you. You know it is true, one doesn't stop being a Death Eater."

Remus frowned and the gap between them was becoming absolutely unbearable. "Don't let anyone tell you that, Severus, the shame you feel is proof enough that it isn't true," he whispered and let his hand run over Severus's arm and his fingers creep into the hollow of Severus's hand. "I don't want to be angry at you," said Remus in a thick voice. "I just wish I could have had a say in this."

Severus felt the familiar incredulity that usually accompanied Remus's apologies for something he had not done, not caused, or rightfully done and caused. He closed his hand round Remus's fingers and shook his head. "You have been angry for a while now, haven't you?" he asked softly, remembering Remus's strange behaviour, and that he had ceased voicing his affection. He wondered if Remus had only spent the nights with Severus so he wouldn't disappoint him. Severus knew that he would never be able to sleep beside Remus when being angry with him.

Remus shrugged, then nodded, and frowned. "I don't want to be angry at you," he repeated. "I see you so seldom and it reminds me of waiting for you, waiting in vain. You left me alone like everyone else, and some things you said made the anger inside me grow stronger and stronger. It was not I who had a decision to make, not I who gave up on us. I cannot pretend that nothing has happened. But I don't want to waste my time with anger."

Severus looked at Remus's agonised face. He had been too ashamed to tell Remus. He had wanted to seem stronger than he was. Prouder than he was, while pride had been the last thing he could have found in his body. But he and Remus had both turned even bitterer because he had been a coward. No, there was no pretending that the year of silence had not happened, it had changed everything, it had changed what was so precious to Severus. But as it had been lying in shards on the floor anyway, it didn't have to be for worse, cracks would remain, but now Severus was sure, there were even more terrible things than cracks in your favourite cup. There was the utter absence of the cup. He felt like a fool for the time he had wasted. Felt that his selfish nobility had been too Gryffindor even for Remus.

Remus shook his head, his eyes gleaming. "It was horrible to think that you hated me, Severus. If only I had known that you missed me like I missed you, that it wasn't my fault that you left my life with such excruciating finality. If I had only known that you didn't hate me, after all."

"I assure you," whispered Severus, "the pain you felt was mine as well."

Remus nodded but made no reply. He looked beyond words, beyond anything but emotion. Severus felt the werewolf's fingers trembling in his hand and knew that Remus was fighting the urge to embrace him, Severus, the only person he could really embrace, the person without whom, Severus realised, he must have felt lost and lonely, as Black had not had sense enough to care for his so-called friend. Severus knew that loneliness, that swimming in an ocean without land in sight, and he knew that to Remus it must have been pure suffering to be left alone after a year full of love, friendship and everything else he had ever wanted. Severus had been thinking only of his own feelings, as usual. Had even hoped for Remus to be alone, hoped that he wouldn't find anyone else.

"I do not pretend that my behaviour is forgivable," said Severus in a controlled voice, wondering where he took the strength from, "but if it means anything to you, I ask your forgiveness. And I can only hope for my sake, not yours, that you can grant it."

Remus smiled very slightly and Severus loved him all the more for it. Knew exactly why he loved him. "That is all I wanted, Severus," said Remus so kindly, so warmly that Severus felt immediately disgusted with himself. He knew that revenge was in his nature not in Remus's. "I didn't want to make you feel guilty."

Severus averted his eyes and knew that the guilt could not just fall away from him. Even now he just wanted Remus to slap him, to do something that would hurt Severus physically not emotionally like the forgiving look he wore. Maybe Remus knew that it pained Severus more to be forgiven, than to be slapped. But then again, Remus just wouldn't slap anyone. He had too mild a nature. It was just that Severus thought he couldn't take much more guilt and regret or it would overflow and leave him helpless on the ground. The weight was getting heavier and heavier, and he was glad nonetheless that he had Remus back to lean on him.

"You do not send me away, then?" asked Severus, just to be sure. "I may have you, may I?"

Remus gave him a tender look and stepped closer to finally give him the embrace he wanted. It must have been written on his face, visible like all the other things Remus always read in him. What use was Occlumency if a werewolf could just look through you like that? Could hear every unuttered word and every unapplied voice.

"Love is not logical, Severus, it is there or it isn't," said Remus, shifting his head to rest his temple on Severus's shoulder. "And mine is there, no matter if you feel worthy of it. No matter what you've done or haven't done. I don't want to feel angry."

Severus pressed Remus against him more tightly than he had intended, making him gasp. Had he not got up to talk to Potter he would probably have lost another few weeks to silence. Or Remus would have found him and dragged him out of his hole to safe them once more. Shame was Severus's new best friend. "It is normal to feel angry," said Severus quietly. "I feel it all the time. Relieve it before it eats you up."

"I'll always accept advice from experts," said Remus with a little chuckle that relieved Severus immensely. "I cannot lose you, Severus. Don't force me to." He sighed and Severus felt more relieved than he ever had. Just a few hours ago he had been lying in his bed, suffering from the fear that Remus had finally put an end to their relationship. He tightened his arms some more and Remus gasped again but didn't complain. In fact he repeated his sigh rather nicely. "I feel relieved now that I've got that off my mind."

"So do I," agreed Severus and rested his head against Remus's, breathing in his soothing scent. "Usually it is me who doesn't talk about what is troubling me." Remus looked at him with clear eyes and an apologetic smile.

"It is an old habit to conceal my anger at those who mean something to me, for fear I could lose them again, especially as I felt our bond to be rather brittle" he said and kissed Severus with tender deliberation.

"Brittle," huffed Severus who had himself had the feeling that a guillotine had been hovering over their bond. It had proved to be rather dull, though. "Exchange it for chains then."

"Good idea," smiled Remus and Severus let go of him when he pulled back and tugged on Severus's hand once again to lead him to the bed where he turned round to him again with a stern face. "Just promise me that you will stop wasting time. It could be over any day now. I don't want the last thing I feel to be regret."

Severus nodded and let Remus push his traveling cloak off his shoulders and him onto the bed where he joined him and laid his head on Severus's chest. Severus cleared his throat and took Remus to his word, pushing aside his annoying self-loathing. "I want to hear it," he muttered. "I want you to say it." And as soon as he had uttered those words he realised that the same could be demanded of him. And that Remus had once even tried to make him say it. And that he would most probably never do it again even though he should. Remus chuckled becomingly, understandingly.

"I've never seen you in such a state, it must be meaningful," he said quietly and Severus knew that Remus had interpreted his blood-shot eyes correctly. It made him feel self-conscious and embarrassed. Pathetic, he scolded himself once again. "I love you."

"Good," whispered Severus, threading his fingers through Remus's soft hair, feeling some strength returning to his exhausted body. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

"I don't want to be separated from you for weeks on end again," said Remus, his hand moving in circles over Severus's chest. "I hate to think that Umbridge keeps me away from you. It makes me wish that tomorrow never comes."

Severus made no answer. To him, too, the long time without Remus was pure torture. He knew that he would probably die of loneliness like a parrot without a partner. But then again he had survived it before. He let his fingers caress the back of Remus's neck and closed his eyes. He would risk exposure in the Dark Lord's circle as the traitor he was, would neglect all his duties all his responsibilities if it meant he could ensure that Remus would lie with him like this every day. Because this once he had what he wanted, whom he wanted, and he was wanted in return. He had two obsessions, two people, but just one who returned his feelings, and that one he would hold on to, come what may, once in his life he had to be lucky too. There could not only be misery in his existence, only regret and loss. He felt the front of his robes moistening as Remus's tears drenched them slowly.

"Stop crying," said Severus softly. "I hate to think that I make you cry. It hurts my pride."

"I cannot help it," said Remus and propped himself up on his elbows and kissed Severus, hot drops falling from his eyes onto Severus's cold skin and feeling so pleasant that Severus couldn't believe they were tears, for his own had always hurt and left his skin sore. Severus cupped his wet face and brought their lips together again. Remus pulled on the front of Severus's robes and rolled onto his back, causing Severus to follow the movement and bring his weight down on Remus who sighed again, apparently relieved to feel him so close. And Severus didn't find it in him to feel shabby anymore when he saw the joy he had brought to Remus's eyes. When he was with Remus like this, he liked himself. Right now, because Remus loved him, he liked himself. While the inhabitants of the Black house were unaware of his very presence, Severus indulged in his werewolf's touches, his tender hands freeing him from his annoying robes, his nose brushing Severus's affectionately while his eyes shimmered in the light of the afternoon sun. And he loved Remus dearly, as their skin touched and their hearts beat against each other and their lips met in breathless kisses.


	22. Lessons To Learn

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling (including the dialogue taken from OotP).

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: Twenty-two is a nice number :D not only am I twenty-two, no, I am also remembering chapter 22 of The Teacher. Severus seems to be remembering the same important day in his life. There is very little Remus in this chapter, but all the more Lucius (I find him interesting, though I wouldn't say I really like him). About the painting Severus will be referring to: yes, I have one very particular painting in my head, but I'm not telling you which. Maybe you have your own ideas :). Also, I am starting with Occlumency here, and there is a moment in the book when Severus traces his mouth with his fingers - see how I interpret that.**  
**

Sorry for Severus's tears by the way, though I have shown them before, I guess it was alright. He's a little ashamed of it himself in this chapter :). No, not every argument will be resolved as easily as this one, you will just have to wait a bit for Remus to come to his senses. Should you have questions, look at the following, maybe I've answered them. I wish JKR had answered questions while writing, that would have helped me :).

Kiraling: I am afraid that Tonks will fit in, and that Severus will regret many of the things that you dislike in him now ... but he will develop. Remus on the other hand ... I don't want to say too much but Remus is weak in certain respects (and that is very important to me), I've seen people like him in real life and wanted to hit them over the head ... still he will not stay as tolerant and mild as he is now, but he will also be rewarded for his patience ... after having been hurt again and again, I'm afraid. Severus is ... maybe he feels too comfortable in the current situation with Remus doing everything to make them work, because he is afraid to lose Severus if he doesn't. Our Potions master will be unpleasantly surprised at a certain point.

Resevius: First and foremost I want to say that should I ever publish (though I doubt it strongly) I will let you know and send you a free copy ... and all my other cool reviwers ;). As mentioned above, though I regret it, I will try to make Tonks's coming between them believable. Though we will not be there to witness it - God forbid, poor Severus - we will hear about it as soon as we reach DH. And I just can't help making every single one of Albus's appearances hilarious, at least for now. Poor Severus once again, but oh well.

BlackDawnRose: Glad that I could drag you out of your misery spiral along with Severus :), and yes, they will see each other more often.

Emily-pino: Wow, thank you for effectively scaring me with that review, I certainly hope that I won't fail though I am always a little worried ^^"... and Severus is under immense pressure too, so please don't laugh ;), just joking of course. In fact, Severus, too, forgot that they never actually sorted that one out. No, actually that conversation was lying in wait on the author's computer, ready to be send out into the www to fulfil its duty. It was part of the original talk at the very beginning, but I didn't like it there, so I changed the storyline a bit. I am glad that you liked it :).

**Lessons To Learn**

Severus woke much too early, the room was still dark and the werewolf still sleeping. He had fallen asleep in the early hours of the evening and now he was wide awake and aware that today was the day to return to Hogwarts and he had neither packed, nor corrected even half of the students' essays, nor opened the letters that had arrived during his three-day marathon of misery. Remus's slow breathing against his neck made him wonder why he even cared. The werewolf's body was pressed up against his, one loose arm draped across his stomach and there was no telling apart their legs. Severus sighed. He wondered why it had to be that three days of lonely suffering felt like years and a night of utter bliss felt like seconds. Life wasn't fair. But it wasn't life that had made him waste time, it was his helplessness. And that helplessness had been endowed on him by life. So in the end it was always life that was to blame. He sighed again much more pleasantly and tried to sit up without waking Remus, which proved to be absolutely impossible.

"Where're you going?" mumbled Remus, suddenly tightening his arm round Severus's waist and holding onto him for dear life. "Surely the sun isn't even up yet …"

"I haven't prepared for going back to Hogwarts," said Severus quietly, running his fingers over Remus's cheek. "I have neglected my duties."

Remus cracked open an eye and looked at him drearily. "Didn't you get anything done in the last three days?" he asked, amusement audible in his tired voice.

Severus scowled at him and shook his head when Remus turned onto his back and stretched. "No," he admitted and felt sillier than ever when Remus gave him one of those knowing looks and understanding smiles.

"Oh, Severus," he said, and ran his hand up Severus's arm. "You are much more sensitive than you care to admit," he added after a pause and seemed satisfied rather than sarcastic and Severus thought he was forgetting his manners and choosing on purpose the tone that Severus would feel most embarrassed with.

"Yes, right," sneered Severus as Remus's hand snaked under his long hair into the back of his neck, "deep inside I have the heart of a puppy-lover and the wish to pick flowers and cry over sick bunnies."

Remus burst out laughing and Severus was sure he had been picturing Severus picking flowers in who knows what inappropriate attire his insolent werewolf mind had come up with. After several minutes of Remus's breathless sniggering, Severus started shaking his head in annoyed scolding and decided that it was time to silence Remus before he choked. He took hold of Remus's chin and turned his face so that he could press his lips to his, which calmed him down effectively and suffocated the uncontrollable laughter. Severus remembered dimly how he had once hesitated before every touch, every kiss and that it had cost him an enormous effort to return Remus's affections. That seemed so far away now that he thought it must have been someone else, after all, in an alternate dimension. Kissing Remus, touching him in one way or the other were the most natural things he could imagine, now that they were here, skin to skin. He had grown into their relationship like a child into his too big clothes. He couldn't even comprehend how that had worked. Couldn't comprehend that holding Remus had once been unusual and intimidating. He only knew how incomplete he had been without it, and that he had feared losing it once again, thus marinating himself in pitiable misery.

"That's enough," said Severus when he pulled back from Remus and sat up, getting the process of detaching himself from the werewolf over with quickly. The quicker, the less unpleasant. At least in the long run. He felt around on the floor for his clothes and gathered them all in a heap before swinging his legs out of bed. Remus came up behind him and laid his head on Severus's shoulder as his arms encircled his waist. Severus sighed, though he wasn't quite sure if it had really sounded exasperated or rather pleased. "It is not my personal wish to leave," he said and he was sure his voice sounded a little too mild. "I am sure that Lucius will want something or other from me before I return to Hogwarts. And I'm so utterly behind my work that I cannot stay."

Remus nodded reluctantly and ran his warm hands up Severus's back. "I have to escort Harry and the others back to Hogwarts anyway," he said in a slightly disappointed voice. "Tonks and I decided to take the Knight Bus."

Severus stiffened when Remus mentioned Tonks's name and he cleared his throat when he pulled on his trousers. "So she is still volunteering to accompany you everywhere, is she?" he said sharply, loathing the impertinent girl for her shameless attempts to be with Remus whenever she could.

Remus smiled and, in the semi-darkness, he looked like a renaissance painting, a very particular one that Severus had once seen a copy of in his father's house … only … even nicer. "Yes," he affirmed softly, "she is a friend."

Severus huffed, buttoning his shirt. "I do not think that she would be satisfied with that term," he growled but as usual Remus didn't take him seriously. He just waved a hand at him with a chuckle.

"Forgive me if I don't take your word for it, Severus, but you might be seeing things."

"Better than seeing nothing at all," spat Severus defiantly, because he knew he was right. Remus just smiled knowingly and seemed flattered by Severus's jealousy.

"Do you like Lucius Malfoy at all, Severus?" asked Remus then, giving him and interested look. "Or is it just that you need to associate with him?"

Severus considered him closely when he buckled his belt. He took his time thinking about the question and came to the conclusion that he didn't know an answer to it. "Lucius is … he is very good at boasting but there is nothing in him but hot air, though he is certainly no boring company and an able wizard, he is far too full of himself … he thinks himself gracious for granting me the privilege of his friendship," he said, his voice slightly sarcastic at the last words. Remus frowned at his evaluation of Lucius's character.

"Is he your friend, then?" he asked curiously, maybe even a little surprised.

"He considers me a friend, if an inferior friend. But then again, Lucius thinks that everybody is inferior to him," said Severus with a sneer. "I do not have any friends, and I do not consider Lucius my friend."

"You have me," protested Remus and the slowly rising sun caressed his slim form, tinting his pale skin a dark shade of red where the light touched his body. The corners of Severus's mouth twitched as he sat back down beside Remus.

"Oh, but I hope that I am a bit more than just your friend," he said smoothly, his fingers tracing Remus's jaw line. Remus smiled and his too long fringe fell into his eyes.

"So, do you like Lucius?" asked Remus, apparently determined to get an answer out of Severus.

"Sometimes," Severus admitted regretfully but Remus didn't seem to reproach him for it. In fact, he seemed to have been expecting much more than just 'sometimes'.

"But why are you not friends?" he asked and cocked his head to one side, his brow creasing slightly.

"Because," Severus began, then paused and thought about it some more before continuing slowly, "I am a traitor. I cannot trust him, confide in him, even talk to him openly about the things that are important to me. I am playing an act when I'm with him, I tell him what he wants to hear. He doesn't even know me properly. Maybe we would be friends if things had gone differently. But as it is, even if the Dark Lord didn't exist, our opinions and attitudes are so different that we would most likely avoid each other. The best example is you." Severus stopped there because he didn't want to say what exactly Remus was setting an example for, but he knew that Remus understood very well without having everything spelled out to him.

Remus nodded slowly and pursed his lips while obviously thinking about what Severus had said. "You think he likes you?" he asked tentatively and Severus thought he knew what was on Remus's mind.

"I think he approves of me," replied Severus with a shrug. "I cannot account for his feelings. I believe that he sees how he can use people before he gets emotionally attached, though."

"But he loves his wife and son, doesn't he?" asked Remus as Severus picked up his travelling cloak from the floor. "And they love him."

"I did not say that he is incapable of love, Remus, I am merely saying that he is more calculating than you," said Severus with some impatience seeping into his voice. "And I know that you worry about my hurting his feelings by pretending to be his friend and really betraying him along with all the other Death Eaters who deserve no better. But believe me, he won't die from the shock, in fact it will only hurt him in his pride. Sometimes one has to do unpleasant things to achieve the required result." Severus sighed and pulled on his travelling cloak as he got up again. "I wouldn't like you to feel sorry for Lucius. All he does is manipulate and use people for his own intentions, and he has never been a man to hesitate with violence and cruelties. What I am doing to him is nothing compared to what we are used to." Remus waved his hand and shook his head.

"I know," he said, his face stern, "I don't blame you for it. You know I don't. Wait," he added when Severus made to leave, and caught him round his arm to pull him back to the bed. Severus sat down with a pronounced look at the alarm clock on Remus's nightstand and the werewolf smiled. "Just one more thing: please, please, try your best with Harry. I know you loathe the task but you are the only one who can help him."

Severus glared at him, having hoped for something much different from a plead for Potter. "If he lets me, I will teach him all I know about Occlumency. But there are always two to the task and if he doesn't obey and work hard, then that is not my failing and not my fault," he growled defiantly and was annoyed when Remus smiled understandingly once more.

"Believe me, I will appeal to him as well, but now I am appealing to you, and I'm asking you to try and make things work," he said mildly and Severus couldn't say no to those eyes, this face, these hands. "Promise me," added Remus as he leant in to capture Severus's disobedient lips with his own in a kiss that brought back the memories of the day before, of Remus's skin under his and his voice pleading much differently from now. Severus parted only reluctantly and tried to put his scowl back in place when he jerked his head irritably and let his hand slide over Remus's bare hip before he got up again to get out of the house, while its halls were still deserted.

"I promise I will try," he said and quite liked Remus's satisfied smile. "But I will not promise success."

Severus picked the stack of letters up from his coffee table and opened one after the other, wrinkling his nose at the pink envelope that lay on the very top. Umbridge was requesting Veritaserum in her false politeness. He tossed the letter from him in contempt and was looking forward to giving the old hag pure water in a fancy bottle. The next letter was from Albus but Severus knew what it was about and put it aside to reveal Lucius's letter that Severus had been expecting. He unfolded it, skimmed Lucius's flourishing writing and heaved a sigh. An invitation for today and a request to take Draco to school with him by Side-Along Apparition. Oh, well, he had feared something like this would come. But something in Lucius's words was different from usual.

Severus opened his fireplace and sent his luggage ahead to Hogwarts before he traveled to Malfoy Manor, stepping out of Lucius's huge fireplace into the enormous living room. He looked around and found three men sitting on the sofa, or rather two men and one boy. Lucius and Draco on one side, and Severus was unpleasantly surprised, Fenrir Greyback on the other side. Severus couldn't help grimacing at the filthy beast. As he stepped closer, the three of them looked at him and Lucius got up.

"Well, Fenrir, I think we will continue this some other time," he said and right now, Severus did like him for recognising Severus's repulsion. The werewolf nodded and approached the fireplace and thus Severus, giving him an unpleasant smirk.

"Ah, Snape, pleasure," he rasped, his pointed teeth visible. "Having a good day?"

Severus's lip curled and he had great difficulty hiding his hatred and disgust as he looked upon the vile creature addressing him so insolently. "Until now it was quite pleasant," he said coolly and looked away from that man who had made Remus a werewolf, who had sunk those disgusting teeth into the side of a mere child. Lucius stepped forward.

"Fenrir was asking me about Lupin, but you know much more about him, I'm sure," he said with a wave of his hand. Severus balled his fists in his pockets and glanced at Greyback who looked like a wolf even in human form, if one could call him human at all.

"I do not see what concern of yours Lupin would be," hissed Severus. Greyback smirked and shrugged as he took some Floo powder into his claw-like hand.

"Was just wondering if he's still struggling to live like a normal wizard," he replied in his horrible voice. "Didn't please me when he slipped through my fangs all those years back. If you meet him, you can tell him that there's always a place for him in my pack for wolves who change their minds about wizards. As long as he's serious about it. Would improve my balance."

Severus shot him a disdainful look. "I'm afraid that Remus Lupin would never even consider living in the forest with a bunch of criminal savages," he replied and realised in whose company he was and that he was defending someone he shouldn't be defending in front of them; he hastened to add something. "He is not like you. He likes to pretend that he is human and not inferior to us."

Greyback's face turned an ugly shade of purple. "You'd be surprised, Snape, how many of my fellows were wizards like you and Mr Malfoy here before your society turned them into those criminal savages. And had I succeeded in dragging Lupin away from his big-mouthed father, he would be just like me today."

"Then I am glad that I never miss to mark the full moon on my calendar," said Severus and walked away from Greyback as he smirked again and finally left. "I do not have the slightest idea why you would invite such scum into your house, Lucius," said Severus when he nodded at Draco who sat up straight out of respect.

"I am just refreshing our acquaintance," drawled Lucius. "You know I find him just as disgusting and unworthy as you do, but he is useful and you do not throw away useful tools, do you?"

Severus narrowed his eyes at him and was reminded of the conversation he had led with Remus in the morning. "I am impressed that you manage to hide your true feelings when he's here, he is vile."

"He's a half-breed, Severus, you don't have to tell me that I am lowering myself to a level that is even below Mudbloods but what can I do? The Dark Lord wishes the support of the werewolves and Greyback was always a good threat to make people do what you want," said Lucius and sat down beside his son. Severus hated him doubly for the two foul words he had used. What did he know about those who were different from him? He never even so much as looked at them twice. And Greyback was no standard by which Remus should have to be judged. "As soon as the Dark Lord has taken over the Ministry, the wizarding world will be purged from those inferior beings."

Severus agreed automatically and felt even more motivated to stop the Dark Lord. He sat down, too, on the armchair on the other side of Lucius's mahogany coffee table. Draco, he noticed, didn't seem pleased at all. At first he thought it must be because of Greyback whom the boy had eyed uncomfortably all the time, but now Draco was glaring at his father rather fiercely. Severus looked questioningly at father and son and Lucius's face turned from his normal sneer into a parental frown. And Severus knew why he had been asked to come. This wasn't about Death Eater business.

"Severus, I was wondering if you could help me in a small matter," said Lucius and Draco huffed petulantly. Lucius shot him a severe look. "Draco just doesn't want to understand that he cannot follow in my footsteps before he fits into them."

Severus raised an eyebrow and wondered if he looked like a family therapist. "Your … footsteps?" he asked slowly, feeling uneasy in his role as consulting expert for children. He wasn't sure if Lucius was aware that he wasn't a teacher because it was his secret passion to take over the education of other people's offspring but because he had no other choice.

Lucius wanted to explain but Draco cut across him. "I want to join the Dark Lord!" he said forcefully and Severus turned his eyes on him with a skeptical expression. "And Father doesn't want to let me ask the Dark Lord to give me the Mark!"

Severus looked from Draco to Lucius who gave him an appealing look. Clearing his throat, Severus folded his hands and crossed his legs before he laid out some appropriate words in his mouth. "Surely your father has explained to you that you are still too young," he tried and knew that he wouldn't be very successful with the usual 'you are too young' speech, but he needed to start with something. And he thought that Lucius was quite right not to let Draco become a Death Eater. It showed that he actually cared about his son. And that he had doubts.

"Father wasn't much older than me," contradicted Draco and of course he was right. "And as far as I know, neither were you."

"Don't be so impolite, Draco," hissed Lucius.

"We had left school and were of age, thus independent, Draco," said Severus quietly, still uneasy with this father-son-advisor situation. "You will realise that the Dark Lord does not want to recruit children who have not absolved a full magical education. His inner circle is reserved for those of us whose skill is useful."

Draco pouted at him in a rather undignified way that his father didn't seem to like at all. "Why don't you let him decide if he wants to recruit me, then? Why can't I even ask? Why aren't you supporting me when I want to become like you?"

Severus and Lucius exchanged an uncomfortable look. Like them? A wonderful aim, wasn't it, for a boy who had all possibilities in life? But they couldn't tell him that the Dark Mark might diminish his possibilities. When they took their time to reply, Draco looked from one to the other of them and his face darkened. "Potter has the stupid Order and he's doing something secret at school, and I just sit around uselessly even though I could have the honour to receive the Dark Mark."

Severus cleared his throat and looked at the chandelier above their heads before meeting Draco's grey eyes. "A teenager's silly jealousy is too weak an argument to let the Dark Lord's Mark be burned into your skin," he said silkily and Draco glared at him like the boy he was, not the man he should be to make such an important decision. The man Severus should have been when he had made the decision. "You must understand, Draco, that the Dark Mark is not merely an honourable sign of the Dark Lord's respect, but first and foremost a responsibility to obey and serve. It is too heavy a burden for a boy who does not yet comprehend what it means to carry it. You should thank your father for his concerns. The Dark Lord is not as forgiving of mistakes as your teachers are. The range of punishments one can receive for failure starts with torture and ends with death." Severus stopped and found that he had silenced Draco effectively. Lucius nodded gravely and put his hand on his son's shoulder.

"You see, Draco," he said quietly, "as soon as you are of age and can decide for yourself, you can do whatever you like, prove yourself however you wish. But as long as it is my decision I will not let you ask the Dark Lord to Mark you, is that clear?"

Draco crossed his arms tightly over his chest and glared even more darkly at Severus for having helped his father win the argument. "I have no choice, have I?" he snapped and got to his feet angrily.

"Your father does not want to annoy you, Draco," said Severus lazily. "He cares too much about you to let you risk your young life hot-bloodedly, without being aware of the consequences."

Draco shrugged and glanced at his father who was rather displeased with his incomprehensive behaviour. The high doors of the dining room opened and Narcissa entered the room with a questioning glance at each of them and Lucius beckoned her to come closer. "Well, thank you, Severus, I didn't mean to bother you but we needed a neutral voice," said Lucius as he got to his feet as well and Severus followed suit. "In the end, sons are always unappreciative of their parents, aren't they, Severus?"

Severus raised an eyebrow and thought he was the wrong person to be asked that question. "I don't have children, Lucius," he said, stating the most obvious fact there was. Lucius rolled his eyes at him.

"But I remember very well that you were a child when I met you," he sneered. "Surely you remember your relationship with your own parents?" He put his hand on Severus's shoulder in that confidential manner that told Severus that he was considered a friend, but Severus only scowled as he noticed Draco's impertinent smirk.

"I cannot say I do," lied Severus, shrugging off Lucius's hand and walking to Draco's side to Disapparate with him.

"Father, how was Professor Snape as a child?" asked Draco with a sneer that was so much like his father's that Severus thought the boy was making fast progress in filling his footsteps. Lucius smiled and his grey eyes roamed Severus's scowling face.

"Not much different from now, actually," he replied smoothly, and it annoyed Severus to hear it, for he had heard a much different judgment from Remus. "Have a good term, both of you," added Lucius as Severus gripped Draco's arm rather tightly.

"Write to us, will you, Draco, dear," said Narcissa when Lucius laid his arm round her. Severus envied them for having the privilege to be together every day without a worry on their minds, rings on their fingers, smiles on their faces.

The boy waved at his parents and Severus gave a curt nod before turning on the spot and dragging Draco along with him. Their feet made soft contact with the snowy ground in front of the gates of Hogwarts Castle and Draco staggered, screwing up his eyes. Severus opened the gates with his wand and pushed Draco through them to lock them again. In the distance he heard a familiar bang that belonged to the Knight Bus and for a moment he felt tempted to run to the village and pull Remus out of that bus and out of the claws of Nymphadora Tonks who was surely flirting viciously with him. He was able to control himself and steered Draco, who was still slightly dizzy, over the grounds towards the castle.

"Does it get less sickening with time?" asked Draco hopefully.

"Yes," replied Severus reassuringly. "But some things don't," he added, twisting his left arm and leaving a confused Draco in the Entrance Hall as he headed to Albus's office. The Pensieve for Potter's Occlumency lessons was already standing ready for him in his own office but Severus still had to apologise for his undignified behaviour and was welcomed with a hot cup of tea and some biscuits. Albus waved his apology away and had that knowing look on his face that made Severus believe he had since spoken to Remus. Once again Severus had to promise that he would do his best with Potter, but really, didn't anyone know that his best wasn't much at all? Well, he supposed his best could be quite a lot if he pulled himself together.

Severus prepared the Wolfsbane with care and found the brewing pleasantly relaxing after all the chaos of the last days. He even managed to dread the first Occlumency lesson a little less than he had all this time when he slowly stirred Remus's elixir of sanity. But when he sent Fawkes to Grimmauld Place with the first dose on Monday, reality pressed down on him again rather heavily.

At half past five he started preparing for Potter's visit by extracting memories that he didn't want Potter to see. Memories that he didn't keep in the strong room in the back of his mind together with those concerning Remus and the private conversations with Albus. He took his wand and held it to his temple, letting the day he had been tormented under the beech tree swim to the surface of the sea of memories to pull it out, the day when he had last said the word 'Mudblood' out loud. The day that had ended a friendship. When he had pushed _her_ out of his reach. For good measure he also extracted many others like it and as he saw them all swirling in the basin he decided to add another one, a more recent one, of a horrible day when he had been unable to control his emotions. Followed by another one like it, but almost as old as Potter himself. He turned the Pensieve and his worst memories swirled more dynamically, each rising to the surface in turn. The ruins of a cottage, the tear-streaked face of a werewolf, a swirl of red hair over a retreating back, a cold and empty bedroom in the dungeons. Severus watched as his memories became tranquil and clear and the pictures disappeared. He sighed. His mind was pleasantly empty. Somehow his usual bitterness had become a little milder.

Outside, he heard footsteps approaching, slowly, hesitantly, and he retreated into a dark corner where he lingered as Potter's knock filled his ears. The boy seemed to be hesitating, then he entered. Severus put a finger to his lips and traced his mouth with it, remembering the promise he had made to Remus, sealed with a sweet kiss from those soft lips. Potter looked around in confusion and Severus knew that lengthening the wait would not help.

"Shut the door behind you, Potter," he said coldly and stepped out of the shadows as the boy obeyed. He decided that it was best to just think of Remus's lips on his whenever the boy annoyed him into madness. That would keep him calm. And soon he was tracing his lips again, when Potter's ignorance grew incredibly obvious and he actually asked why he had to learn Occlumency. A question that McGonagall and Remus had been able to answer after an instant's consideration. Severus tried to be patient and clear in his explanations, he tried to make everything quite plain to Potter, though he couldn't pretend that he was in the slightest concerned about the boy's sanity or well-being. He tried his best. But even the shadow of Remus's touch could not keep him from getting angry at some point. Explanations were followed by questions and an order to be both polite and not say the Dark Lord's name – for Merlin's sake! – was followed by disobedience in a vicious circle until they could finally start practising. To be absolutely safe, having an intention to allow Potter the use of his wand, Severus extracted three more memories of crawling on the floor to Dumbledore's and the Dark Lord's feet, of behaving shamefully. Then he put the Pensieve out of the way and explained to Potter what he had to do. Quite plainly, he thought.

Severus soon regretted having allowed Potter to use his wand during practise for he ended up with a Stinging Hex to his wrist as he watched a very private memory of Potter's boring love life. He took revenge by taunting the boy a little and they were both on the height of their hatred for each other once more. It was counterproductive, though. Potter couldn't let go of his anger, just like Severus had predicted. There was too much animosity there. Still Severus felt annoyed by the lack of self-control Potter had. He was such easy prey to the Dark Lord that there was no need at all to open his mind further. Severus knew that Potter felt uncomfortable with him, didn't want to accept his advice, and Severus didn't know how to give it to him without snapping or insulting. Everything he said made it worse. It was maddening.

When Potter landed on his knees for a second time, Severus lost his patience. "Get up!" he said sharply after he had seen dead Cedric Diggory in the graveyard he knew so well and endured Potter's desperate screaming. "Get up! You are not trying, you are making no effort. You are allowing me access to memories you fear, handing me weapons!"

Potter got up and the anger was plain on his face. Their fury seemed to grow stronger by the minute. Severus didn't know how to bear that for weeks, maybe months. "I – am – making – an – effort," said Potter through clenched teeth and Severus was sure he thought he was, but he was too petulant, too arrogant to really make an effort to please Severus.

"I told you to empty yourself of all emotion," replied Severus impatiently and wasn't quite sure if he could do it himself at the moment. But it wasn't him whose mind was being penetrated from afar by the Dark Lord. If it had been him, he would have hurried to learn Occlumency.

"Yeah? Well, I'm finding that hard at the moment," snarled the insolent boy and Severus felt hatred radiating from him. He requited it passionately.

"Then you will find yourself easy prey for the Dark Lord!" said Severus in angry annoyance. Potter didn't want to understand, did he? "Fools who wear their hearts proudly on their sleeves, who cannot control their emotions, who wallow in sad memories and allow themselves to be provoked so easily – weak people in other words – they stand no chance against his powers! He will penetrate your mind with absurd ease, Potter!"

As he was talking he realised that he had shown weaknesses rather often in the last two years, and he was wonderfully talented at wallowing in sad memories, but at least he knew how to control himself, how to let all emotion drain from him if it was necessary. It was not Remus, after all, who wanted to penetrate his mind, it was the Dark Lord, and if Severus lost his temper every time the Dark Lord talked about Mudbloods and half-breeds and that Severus deserved better, not understanding what love meant, what emotion meant, he would be a dismal spy. For a moment he wondered if he should teach Remus Occlumency so he could teach Potter. That would probably work more smoothly than this.

"I am not weak," said Potter in a low voice that Severus recognised as an attempt to keep his anger at bay. It almost made him laugh. Not weak? He had seldom seen as weak a person as him. And it unnerved him to be forced to look into his emerald eyes all this time. There was no doubt about why they were angry at each other.

"Then prove it!" spat Severus. "Master yourself! Control your anger, discipline your mind. We shall try again! Get ready, now! _Legilimens_!"

But Potter didn't improve, and as a matter of fact, Severus had not expected him to. And then there was the corridor to the Department of Mysteries in Potter's mind as it was in Severus's and the boy cried out as he fell to his knees once again and Severus lifted his wand slightly to break the spell. "I KNOW! I KNOW!"

Severus stared at him and didn't like that exclamation at all. Potter had no business knowing anything in connection with the Department of Mysteries. "What happened then, Potter?" he asked and considered the boy closely.

"I saw – I remembered," panted Potter. "I've just realised …"

His babbling was getting on Severus's nerves. It must be the Potter genes that didn't allow him to tie a sentence together. "Realised what?" he asked suspiciously and his voice was sharp. That couldn't be a good sign.

Potter made no answer but rubbed his forehead, his scar that must be prickling like Severus's arm. No, that wasn't a good sign at all. Severus knew it was time to stop the lesson. He had weakened Potter's mind so much that the Dark Lord must already have access to it. Might just be in the room right now. Severus was feeling uncomfortable with that thought and when Potter looked up he tried not to look for his master's red light in the green eyes.

"What's in the Department of Mysteries?" asked Potter.

"What did you say?" asked Severus, unnerved by the confirmation of his suspicions. He could not let the boy ponder on the question but he could not tell him the truth, either. As he knew Potter, the truth would probably be the only way to prevent him investigating, but that was not his decision to make.

"What's in the Department of Mysteries, _sir_?" said Potter, obviously of the impression that it had been his impoliteness that had caused Severus to ask him to repeat the question. Little did he know that Severus was searching for an answer.

"And why would you ask such a thing?" asked Severus slowly.

"Because," said Potter and Severus noticed his intent eyes searching his face, "that corridor I've just seen – I've been dreaming about it for months – I've just recognised it – it leads to the Department of Mysteries … and I think Voldemort wants something from –"

"_I have told you not to say the Dark Lord's name_!" snarled Severus, angry at Potter for having dreamed with the Dark Lord and not even realising how serious that was. Telling Severus about it as if it was some great revelation, as if he didn't know that the Dark Lord wanted something in the Department of Mysteries. And Severus didn't want to hear the name, not now, not later, not when the Dark Lord was present and not when he wasn't. A silly child like Potter should never dare say it, if Severus didn't. They glared at each other and the tension was thick in the room.

So Potter had been dreaming the Dark Lord's dreams for months now, had he? About time that something was done about it before Potter started feeling special and thinking that he could help the Order with his insider information. There was just one insider needed, and that was Severus. He wondered if the boy was simply too stupid to care about the Dark Lord taking hold of his mind or if he was too arrogant to find it alarming. Severus found it alarming. And all he could do now to make Potter stop thinking about the Department of Mysteries was this: he tried to appear cool and unconcerned as he said, "There are many things in the Department of Mysteries, Potter, few of which you would understand and none of which concern you. Do I make myself plain?"

"Yes," said Potter and continued rubbing his forehead. Severus didn't want him in his office any longer. He didn't want him here while he wasn't sure if the Dark Lord was lingering behind those haunting eyes.

"I want you back here on Wednesday. We will continue work then."

"Fine," said Potter and seemed just as eager to leave as Severus was to have him gone.

"You are to rid your mind of all emotion every night before sleep; empty it, make it blank and calm. You understand?" ordered Severus, remembering how Albus had taught him how to do it from, fourteen years ago. And how his life had depended on it. He was annoyed when he noticed that Potter's attention was already wandering.

"Yes," said the boy, and Severus thought he should remind him what was important. He was sure that if Albus had taught him, he would have paid attention and drunk in every word until being dismissed. It was infuriating.

"And be warned, Potter … I shall know if you have not practiced …" added Severus but to no effect.

"Right," said Potter simply and picked up his bag to leave. Severus rolled his eyes and didn't find it in him to care anymore. It was Potter's mind, not his, _let him do with it what he wants_. Hatred was obviously stronger than reason. He turned his back on the door as it opened and scooped his memories up with his wand, taking them out of the Pensieve to put them back where they belonged one after the other. He saved the most recent ones for when Potter had closed the door behind him, because he knew by the feeling of humiliation and shame he got from the others that it would hurt putting them back. He hesitated slightly when he scooped up the last three and then he returned them to his mind in quick succession, regretting it almost immediately afterwards. He staggered slightly with the weight of them and his heart stopped beating for a moment as his chest was almost crushed by overwhelming grief and excruciating pain. He steadied himself on his desk and screwed up his eyes as his breath quickened and his knees weakened. He wouldn't have thought that the impact of the real memories returning to the voids they had left would be that agonising. He needed a few moments to calm the flood of emotions that had been caused and decided to keep some of those memories in his head next time, relying on his Occlumency and luck to prevent that Potter saw them.

He heaved a sigh and took some deep breaths before opening his eyes and carrying the Pensieve to the free spot in one of his cabinets where the Quidditch Cup had been kept for years. He scowled. What had he done? He had ordered Potter to come to his office on Wednesday. That was far too soon. And he had planned only one lesson per week. But today's lesson had been taken up almost completely by filling the gaps in Potter's general knowledge.

Severus slouched into his quarters and before falling onto the sofa to calm his nerves, he created a pretty little bottle that could easily have contained a precious potion, and filled it with the Aguamenti Spell to imitate Veritaserum. Umbridge would never realise that it was water and not Veritaserum. And Severus had a vague idea that Potter would soon have something to thank him for after having been slipped some of that clear water in some drink or other. As would, perhaps, some other people as well. He would tell her that he needed some more time to brew the truth serum, his stores were, after all, not open to her and even if she looked into them, he doubted she could tell Veritaserum from pumpkin juice. Yes, he would tell her that it would take months to brew it. What with all the ingredients he needed to collect for it? He would only take the best, of his own picking, Hogwarts production and his own secret sources. He smirked when he summoned one of his books to fly into his hands and put the little bottle into a drawer of a cupboard. Albus had been right about secret rebellion. It was quite enjoyable to fool those who were beneath you and had no idea of your betrayal. All for the sake of the Boy-Who-Was-Ungrateful of course.

Severus distracted himself with the sensitive pages of his favourite book, wondering how big-mouthed Remus's father had really been, while reading the scribbled notes he had left in the book. Severus passed a hand over his forehead to wipe away the memories that were still at the very front of his mind and they paled and left him in peace, finally giving way to more pleasant thoughts. And Severus was tracing his lips again.


	23. Appreciating Differences

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: Hey guys :D Thanks for your great reviews! I should actually be studying for my exams but I had to post this today because I didn't want to run any later. I am so glad you liked the last chapter because it is one of my favourites (I so love writing Lucius and I find writing Occlumency so very interesting). Enjoy this one too, it is one that I barely changed when reading it a second time because it was just as I wanted it to be :). So, this chapter covers quite a few topics and situations which is the reason for its indecent lenght. Hope you won't get tired of it half-way through. A lot of Remus here, which I enjoyed writing. Here I am, lovey-dovey once again. Mostly.**  
**

Now in order of appearance:

KnockerOnADoor: I was actually looking forward to the 'lip-tracing' moment, it fits so perfectly into my story XD. Glad you liked it. Who knows what JKR thought when she included it. Oh, and look: as though I had read your mind I included a Death Eater meeting :D. But really it was time for another one.

Smurny: I agree with you, I think this is one of Albus's biggest mistakes. Also, Severus is just a lousy teacher, I, too, think that most of the the blame is to be put on him not Harry. At least Severus realises he can only fail.

Resevius: Oh, thank you :)! Yes, I know what you mean, in fact I first considered him Severus in book five when we learned he was a person with a background that had made him the way he is, and not just some villain who's cruel just for the sake of it. And, god you are right it was chapter 21! But I named the file chapter 22, because I didn't mean to make chapter 1 a prologue at all. It just seemed right later on ;).

Kiraling: You are very welcome :). Since I didn't include any Lucius in The Teacher (because I simply forgot him ^^°) I wanted to show their relationship, which is always described but never actually shown in the books. At least not that I can recall. I found that strange but it gives me more freedom. You know, I enjoy writing other characters too, just as much as writing Remus/Severus, for the same reasons as you like to read them :) and it is a nice change.

kiki: You can look forward to many more chapters :) thanks for the compliment!

**Appreciating Differences**

Severus received a summons on the same day, in the dead of night, and the shock of it made him fall off the sofa where he had been sleeping, legs stretched out, book on his stomach. When he scrambled to his legs and laid the book on the table, he twisted his arm to make the vicious burning disappear and rubbed his eyes. In his tired mind he could not quite figure out what the Dark Lord might want but as it didn't really matter he left his quarters and as he went he tried to clear his mind from the blurred dreams he had had.

It was an unpleasant surprise that awaited him as his feet touched the ground in his place in the circle, late as usual. Where there had been gaps between the remaining Death Eaters, there were standing ragged figures, filling the voids they had left fifteen years ago. To Severus's immediate left and right the gaps of Karkaroff and Barty Crouch Jr. remained but they were closed as he arrived by Lucius and Nott who drew nearer to him. The sight of the complete circle made his stomach churn. It must have happened mere hours, maybe minutes before, judging by the ragged prison clothes the convicts were wearing, freezing in the snowy graveyard. He managed to keep his face impassive as his arrival was acknowledged by the Dark Lord who was prancing through the circle, a smug smirk on his snake-like face.

"Behold, my friends," said the Dark Lord and Severus recognised Bellatrix Lestrange's mad cackle accompanying his words, "in what little time your master has proven himself worthy of his title."

Little time, indeed, barely announced, already accomplished. Severus could see the shock visible on his fellows' faces and was glad that he had more control over himself as he kept his own features impassive. The Dark Lord stopped in front of him and gave him a curious look. Nobody even tried to hide how their eyes wandered to Severus's face.

"Why, Severus seems entirely unimpressed," said the Dark Lord and Bellatrix huffed irritably. "How come you don't wonder like your fellows, Severus?"

Severus was no fool, no, he was ready for everything. "Forgive me, my Lord, but I knew you would succeed," replied Severus and inclined his head in the suggestion of a bow. The Dark Lord smirked again.

"I remember you as a mere gaping boy, Severus, and now look at you," sneered the Dark Lord and waved his hand at him, "my most trusting servant. When you were younger I always thought you might take Lucius here as an example to … _improve_ yourself. But as I see with satisfaction, there was no need, after all. Now I wish it were the other way around. Did you not believe in my success, Lucius?"

He turned to the right and Lucius flinched, glancing at Severus. "Naturally, my Lord, I … I would just never have believed that it was possible in such a short time."

The Dark Lord's smirk became more unpleasant. "Well," he said coldly and the circle shuddered, "that is the great difference between you and me, is it not?" Lucius bowed his head, the circle was silent. The Dark Lord resumed his prancing and looked at each and every one of them in turn. "Ah, Macnair, I believe you have taken care of Lucius's little blunder?"

"Bode is out of the way, master," growled Macnair proudly and the Dark Lord nodded.

"Very good, Macnair, very good. Then there remains nothing to threaten any of us, you can rest your minds, my friends. Welcome back your more unlucky fellows. They will be rewarded for the sacrifice they made to remain loyal to me. Let it be a motivation for you. Leave now. And bring the good tidings to your families; support has come at last to help you. You may leave if you don't forget again what Lord Voldemort is capable of. And Severus, do give Dumbledore my best, will you?"

The icy laugh echoed in Severus's head as he hurried through the castle, his footsteps resounding loudly from the walls. He spat the password to Albus's office at the gargoyle that guarded it and ran up the winding staircase to hammer against the door until it opened and he stumbled in. Albus gave him a tiredly inquiring look. "Severus, if you are here to tell me about your first Occlumency lesson with Harry then I must ask you to come back tomorrow, if it isn't absolutely necessary that you –"

"Headmaster," Severus burst out, unable to wait until Albus had finally finished his speech, "I must talk to you now! I have just returned from a Death Eater meeting; the Dark Lord has freed his Death Eaters from Azkaban, it happened tonight. I have seen them, the ten of the inner circle who were locked up."

Albus's eyes widened. He walked towards Severus and started pacing. "Not even I would have thought that he would strike so soon, I thought that the Ministry would at least be on the lookout. This is grave, Severus, very grave …" he stopped and looked at him, frowning. "He will soon know how to acquire the prophecy. Now more than ever, Severus, it is important that Harry learns how to protect himself."

Severus scowled. "Potter is a hopeless case, Headmaster, there is nothing I could possibly teach him," he growled, rubbing the weal on his wrist where Potter's Stinging Hex had hit him. "And I believe it is already too late. Potter has been dreaming the Dark Lord's dreams for months and now his mind is set on the Department of Mysteries. He won't take advice from me and his anger on me prevents him from clearing his mind. I fear if anything, I will only open his mind further."

"After one lesson, Severus, you must not yet lose all hope," said Albus with a little smile. "I am sure that, somehow, Harry and you will manage. Just try being a little less severe with him and don't give up already."

Severus glowered and crossed his arms petulantly. Then he realised there was another information he had gathered from the meeting. "Macnair killed Bode, the Unspeakable Lucius used to get at the prophecy."

Albus's face turned even graver. "Of course, they had to get rid of him," he said quietly, then he looked up at Severus. "You look very tired, Severus, why don't you go to bed and rest? I will take care of everything else."

Severus nodded and turned slowly. "The Dark Lord wanted me to give you his best," he muttered and looked over his shoulder at the Headmaster who smiled mirthlessly.

"Grant him the fun as long as he can still have it," said Albus coolly. "He will see where his arrogance leads him."

Severus overslept and had missed breakfast when he finally woke, much too late. On his nightstand he found the _Daily Prophet_, the faces of the ten escapees on the front page. Among them Dolohov, the sick psychopath, the Lestranges, who had cost Longbottom his parents, and of course Rookwood who seemed to be the biggest threat. Severus leafed through the paper and found the article that accompanied the ten photos hardly believable even for absolute dunderheads. At least they had got one thing right: there had indeed been outside help, not from Sirius Black though, oh no, they would soon wish it had been Black. Macnair had used a Devil's Snare to kill Bode, as another article told Severus. He wondered what more the silly wizarding world needed to finally realise that these occurrences were not normal. That Sirius bloody Black could never have freed anyone but himself from Azkaban and that no Death Eater would rally around him. He tossed the paper to the floor.

Severus was absolutely thunderstruck when he entered the staff room on Wednesday morning – Wednesday already being a bad day for the Occlumency lesson with Potter – as he noticed that a knot had formed round a notice on the wall. He came closer and peered over the other teachers' heads, luckily being taller than them and thus able to read another Decree of the evil old hag. Decree Number Twenty-six forbade all teachers to talk to the students about anything that didn't relate to their subjects. Severus wondered how that was supposed to work, as a Head of House he had, after all, the duty to talk to his Slytherins about everything that was necessary to be talked about. Of course, Fudge thought the allegiance of Dumbledore's teachers might tell the children the truth about the mass break-out from Azkaban. McGonagall gave Severus a dark look and in the following days he was more than once involved in hushed conversations between classes with other teachers, all of them casting furtive looks over their shoulders. The school was slowly but gradually turning into a second Ministry where no one dared speak their mind while Umbridge was present. And Severus had much to speak about with McGonagall at least. Life was becoming more unpleasant by the day.

On Sunday at least he could leave the castle under the excuse of searching ingredients he needed for some important potions, including the Veritaserum that he was pretending to be brewing for Umbridge. But little did she know. She didn't even think twice when he informed her of it, instead of Albus who had enough on his mind, she just let him go, eager to finally get her hands on the truth serum. The fact that the use of it was illegal didn't seem to concern her. She was the law at Hogwarts.

Severus was glad to leave behind the castle with its many drawbacks and walk over the soft mossy ground to Remus's house which was still covered in snow. The door creaked as he opened it and for a moment he was actually thinking about giving Remus a house-elf to clean his dusty house. Surely Remus, the long term bachelor, was bound to know some household spells? Severus closed the front door behind him and shed his cloak, hanging it on a hook beside Remus's as he passed through the hall and up the stairs.

On the landing his attention was attracted by an open door to his right, some sort of library or office with a heavy wooden desk beneath a window and shelves that reached the ceiling and looked crammed into the room by force. There was a small fireplace opposite the desk and when Severus approached it, he found family photos on the mantelpiece that showed father, mother and son, beaming and blinking and waving and hugging one another. Severus picked one of them up, one that he at first thought, showed a Remus as he knew him now. But it wasn't Remus, it was his father, even with his slightly harsher features and still entirely honey hair, resembling Remus greatly: same hair, same face, same eyes. But different. So very different that, seeing him up close, Severus didn't know how he could have mistaken him for his son.

He was blinking slowly up at Severus and his amber eyes were piercing and shrewd; though his face was stern, now and then the corners of his mouth twitched slightly into a smirk rather like Severus's own. Severus found it odd to look at a man whose features resembled Remus's so strongly and see him smirk quite arrogantly, the look on his face cool and somewhat challenging, as if he dared Severus to say one wrong word to him. He must have been a demanding, strict father. The most striking difference remained the eyes. Swirling gold like Remus's but darker and fierce, harsh and determined, the eagerness in them was striking, though his face betrayed nothing of it, his eyes told of the man who had once defied Greyback and paid the price for it. Severus found him immediately less handsome. Nowhere did he find Remus's kindness and patience, his modesty and mild smile. He only recognised those traits that Remus kept hidden; curiosity, mischievousness, stubbornness, determination.

Remus would never hold his head in such a vain angle, would never smirk condescendingly, and his eyes were soft and deep. But there was that grace about his father, that grace that Remus had surely inherited from him, and Severus could see Mr John Lupin walking gracefully along the brook, his wife clinging to his arm, his son to his hand.

"I thought I had heard you arrive," rasped a voice behind him and he turned, picture in his hand, with a startled look to find Remus before him, barefoot in tee-shirt and pyjama bottoms. His hair was nicely disheveled and for the day after the full moon he looked extraordinarily healthy. Molly's good cooking most probably.

"How come you are up? I feel useless, now," said Severus turning back to the mantelpiece and looking at all the other photos, finding a portrait of Remus's mother just like the one he was still holding in his hands. He liked to look at her much more than looking at Mr Lupin, for it was in her blue eyes that he found the soft kindness he had been looking for. She gave Severus a becoming smile that was much like Remus's and her face was mild and welcoming.

He jumped a little as his sagging hands were raised by one of Remus's and the werewolf laid his arm round his waist, looking down at his father's picture with a reminiscent smile. "Hello, Dad," he said softly and when Severus turned his eyes back to the picture he was astonished to find Mr Lupin smiling warmly at his son, his face quite changed, giving up the cool, arrogant expression he had given Severus, and his features lit up, much to his advantage as Severus thought. His eyes remained fierce and eager, though, as if his very soul were seeping out of them. Remus took the picture gently out of Severus's hands. "Severus has shaken you up, hasn't he?" he asked as his father cast Severus a scathing look. "Here you are, back in your usual place," added Remus as he put the frame down on the mantel exactly in the outline it had left in the dust, facing the picture of his mother at a slight angle. "Don't be angry with Severus, he's here to look after me, he didn't mean to annoy you."

Severus gave Remus a curious look, finding it a bit strange to talk to photographs which, after all, didn't have a fragment of the depicted person's soul in them. But Remus's father seemed to be communicating with him too, gave a nod and looked at his wife with such intense love in his gaze that Severus thought he had found at least one other thing that Remus had inherited from his father. "I was just looking at him," said Severus, giving Mr Lupin, who was watching him rather coldly again, an annoyed sidelong glance. Now he even had to apologise for displeasing a photograph.

Remus looked up at him with an amused smile tugging on his soft lips. "He doesn't like to be moved," he explained matter-of-factly, causing Severus to raise an eyebrow. "He likes to be right there, where he can look at my mother. Where he can see me when I leave my bedroom."

"He is a photograph," sneered Severus and Mr Lupin's expression darkened. "Surely he has no mind of his own."

Remus chuckled and gave his father's frame a gentle caress that Severus would like to have touched his own face. "You might think so, but I know better. When I moved him for the first time he was sulky and glowered at me until I put him back here. Maybe he's just used to it, but I like to imagine he has feelings. My mother too." He indicated his mother's portrait and she blew him a kiss. "Makes the time here less lonely."

"He is so different from you," said Severus, considering Remus's face and comparing it to his father's. still finding nothing in common but the grace in every one of their movements. Remus raised his eyebrows in surprise and cocked his head to one side.

"Are you joking? I am his spitting image," he said and Severus thought that he didn't want anyone to contradict him. Of course he was right, he had been endowed with a handsome face, the slight variations that were caused by his mother's softer features were only adding up to that.

"That is not what I meant," said Severus impatiently. "You are nothing like him, are you? In character?"

Remus frowned, pondered the question and smiled again. "Well, to be honest, he was a bit like you," he said thoughtfully. "Not exactly like you, but you share certain traits … you have the same look in your eyes sometimes. And he used to put on that cool mask in public, just like you. Impulsive he was, passionate, proud. He told everyone what he thought of them. I think he was quite pleased that I was more like my mother. He always liked to remind me how much I was like her."

Severus quite agreed, and was grateful that Remus had grown up to be like his mother in nature, otherwise he would never have found so many lovable things about him and they would have ended up dueling in that dark staircase at Hogwarts instead of kissing. There was one thing, though, that neither parent had passed on to Remus. There was a deep sadness in his eyes and the lines of his face. A sadness the source of which Remus's father had caused recklessly. And yet there was that loving caress in Remus's gaze as he looked at his father's picture. The werewolf looked up at Severus and just one moment's careful consideration told him what Severus was thinking.

"I never made up with him," he said quietly. "Before he died, I mean. After he had told me that Greyback had bitten me on purpose to take revenge on him, and that my father had provoked him knowingly, I moved out of his house … this house … and never spoke to him again. I have always felt great remorse because of that. I hope he knows it."

Severus couldn't quite comprehend that, but he knew better than telling Remus, who would lecture him about a healthy father-son relationship and after half an hour of discussing from opposite sides they would be no closer to understanding each other. Severus found much more interesting that Mr Lupin didn't seem to be holding a grudge on Remus. Of course he was just a picture, but still, he gave Remus proud looks and against all odds he seemed to have been a reasonable man since he was apparently disapproving of Severus.

"He was a loving father, he never gave up on me, never felt ashamed of me. He was strict, yes, but he did everything for me, he didn't deserve the treatment I gave him." Remus looked even sadder than usual and Severus folded his arms, disagreeing utterly, he walked away from him and heard him padding after him, and soon Remus seized his arm and pulled weakly to slow Severus down. "Not so fast, I'm aching."

Severus looked round at him and walked so slowly that they both staggered slightly. "He was feeling guilty," said Severus knowingly. "That is the reason why he did everything for you."

Remus laid his head on Severus's shoulder and sighed. "That might be true, but that doesn't mean that he didn't love me. And it doesn't mean that I didn't love him." Severus raised a skeptical eyebrow and decided that he was not competent enough to argue. "And you are not useless, I merely had a very good full moon. I'm still looking forward to your potions."

Severus smirked, suddenly very aware of how it must look, since he had seen Mr Lupin smirk just like that. He produced the two phials he had brought and held them out to Remus who first took his hand into both of his, squeezing affectionately, before he took the potions from him. "So, tell me about Occlumency with Harry," added Remus as he sat down on the bed, opening the phials carefully.

Severus glowered at him and made him chuckle into the potion he lifted to his lips. "Don't. Ask," growled Severus, twisting his left arm unconsciously. He felt warm when Remus took his left hand and ran his thumb over his wrist. "You can tell me that it is my fault, but I insist that Potter is just as guilty as I am. He doesn't practise, he doesn't even try to close his mind to the Dark Lord and when he is in my office I can never be sure if the Dark Lord isn't looking at me through him. Sometimes I think Potter just doesn't practise because I tell him to practise."

"Maybe," said Remus quietly. "I wish I could tell you something useful. But I know that what I would do, you would never do. Could not do … there is too much bitterness in you and too much hatred in him." Severus raised his eyebrows at him for being so comprehending of Severus's exasperation and not scolding like Albus.

"It is rare that I hear you speaking sense," said Severus flatly and Remus chuckled huskily. Severus smoothed his soft hair out of his eyes and tilted his head back to kiss him. "I thought you would tell me that I should pull myself together."

"Albus can tell you that, I know that he won't let you stop, I thought I might be able to cheer you up …" said Remus with a shrug and put the empty phials back into Severus's pocket. Then his face darkened. "There are so many things to worry about, what with the Death Eater break-out … I thought you would like to think about something else for a change."

Severus sat down beside him and Remus pulled his black robe round his own shoulders, creating a deliberate closeness. "Very considerate of you," muttered Severus into Remus's soft hair. "Tell me, do you know what happened to that werewolf you met at St. Mungo's?"

Remus shifted his head in surprise. "Well, no, though I saw him when he was leaving and he asked me if I would meet him again," he said and Severus knew he should not dislike the idea of that newly bitten werewolf wanting to meet his werewolf but he did. "I would like to help him. I hope he tries to contact me."

"Really?" asked Severus with a slight edge to his voice.

"I'd try all I can so he doesn't join Greyback," said Remus. "He was nice. And so unlucky, really."

"Everything?" growled Severus and Remus chuckled, seeing right through him. Severus scowled and decided to deflect. "Greyback asked about you. He wants to offer you a place in his filthy pack."

"He is still angry that he didn't get me, that would have devastated my father," said Remus flatly and leant heavily against Severus. "I would never even consider joining his band of savages, turning people into werewolves on purpose."

"Was your father a big-mouth?" asked Severus, no longer finding it impossible. "Greyback called him that."

"He was a bit too full of himself and didn't hesitate to tell people what he thought of them," replied Remus quietly. "That was one too many obviously. He learned his lesson." Remus sighed and straightened up, kissing Severus's cheek, his stubble scraping pleasantly over Severus's skin. "Can you stay overnight?" asked Remus quietly, shuffling so close that his thigh was touching Severus's.

"No," said Severus shortly and Remus bent his head, not even trying to keep his face from falling. "But I am here now," added Severus, laying his hand into the back of Remus's neck. "I know it is too little time to enjoy my marvelous presence in all its wonderful facets, but more I cannot provide for obvious reasons."

"I'll take whatever you can give me." Remus kissed his cheek once more and chuckled against it, the warm hum of his breath washing over Severus's skin. "Don't leave too soon," he muttered, his lips still against Severus's skin. Severus wondered if Remus knew that he didn't want to be anywhere but by his side, that he would give anything just so he didn't need to return to Hogwarts where he was alone and cold and missing him. As Remus pressed his face into the crook of Severus's neck, he caused him to put his arm around his thin frame. Severus closed his eyes and felt like he had always felt when holding Remus, two years ago now. Two years. He sighed. Well, it could have been two years. All in all they had managed a bit more than one year now. Severus wondered how many more he would be granted. Without saying anything meaningful at all.

"I will be lucky, if I can bring myself to leave you at all today," said he softly into Remus's hair. "Or rather unlucky."

Apparently, this day after the full moon coincided with Severus's birthday, even though Severus only noticed when Remus suddenly gave him an apologetic look and said, "Speaking of being unlucky … I'm sorry I have no present for you."

"What do you mean?" asked Severus, slightly perplexed. Remus smiled at him, obviously having a shrewd idea that Severus had forgotten his own birthday.

"It's your birthday, Severus," replied Remus quietly and patted Severus's leg half affectionately, half pityingly.

Severus straightened his back and scowled down at Remus, averse to admitting that that was news to him. "I know that," he snapped defiantly. "Why would you bother?"

"I have no present," repeated Remus sadly. "Just like I had no Christmas present for you. And I wish I had something to give you."

Severus raised an eyebrow and cocked his head to one side like Remus always did. "You have yourself, or do you not?" said he quietly and it made Remus smile.

"Much more romantic than you are letting on," said Remus, like he had said it before, his smile audible in his voice.

"I believe I'm letting on quite a lot at the moment," said Severus smoothly as he let Remus lean in with a chuckle on his smiling lips.

They ended up lying side by side on Remus's bed, gazing out of the window, Remus pointing at clouds and Severus rolling his eyes at him. Severus inhaled Remus's sweet scent, his arm already prickling from lack of blood where Remus's head lay on it but he didn't withdraw it, instead he closed his eyes and listened to Remus's husky voice as he talked quietly about the shapes of clouds and when he opened his eyes again, the room was dark and Remus's voice had fallen silent. But the weight was still there on Severus's arm, a hand on his chest, a leg across both of his. He groaned.

"Remus?" he snapped angrily and the werewolf stirred, raising his head off Severus's arm and the blood flowing into it stung unpleasantly. "Why didn't you wake me? Didn't you listen when I told you I couldn't stay?" Remus put his head back down on Severus's arm before he could move away.

"It is not late yet, and I was sleeping as well," he mumbled tiredly and wouldn't budge even one inch when Severus tried to get up. "You can stay a bit longer, please."

Severus gave up and huffed irritably, running his hand over Remus's spine. "You don't understand, I was supposed to fetch ingredients and now I'm returning empty-handed."

"If you tell me what you need I can tell you if I have it," said Remus matter-of-factly. "I have many herbs and things that I grow in my garden. I have some stores of my own."

Severus looked round at him in wonder and Remus met his eyes, grinning slightly. He sat up and got out of bed, causing Severus to follow him out of the bedroom and down the landing to the last door on the left which Remus unlocked with his wand. When they stepped in together, Severus smelled immediately the many ingredients that were stored in shelves and cupboards round the walls. Plants were growing in pots near the window, some mere seedlings, others apparently only inside for the winter.

"I carried on what my mother began and … to be quite frank, it reminds me of you. They are useful for all kinds of things, not only potions. I cannot sell them, I have no license … just help yourself," said Remus, softly caressing a leaf of his Tentacula. Severus pulled out a few drawers and told Remus to produce some phials. Remus waved his wand and they appeared out of thin air, hovering in the right height for Severus to fill them.

"You do realise there are black markets for people without a license?" he asked and knew what the answer would be.

"You do realise black markets are illegal?" replied Remus with a small smile. Severus raised a mocking eyebrow at him, thinking about the many rare or forbidden ingredients he had already purchased illegally, but didn't press the point. That was Remus. And Remus had everything there that Severus had wanted to buy. When he had filled the phials with everything he needed, he turned to Remus with narrowed eyes and considered him closely.

"Were you made especially for my content, I wonder?" he said quietly, his voice sarcastic but not his eyes and he enjoyed how Remus beamed at him, his Tentacula wrapping an affectionate tendril round his thin wrist.

The weeks fled by and became duller and harder with every day. Severus spent many more frustrating evenings with Potter, trying to teach him Occlumency but every time the boy left his office he was clutching his forehead and more vulnerable than before. Albus wouldn't hear any of it, wouldn't look at Potter or listen to Severus, insisting that he must be exaggerating when saying that Potter was a dismal student and more likely to learn how to brew Felix Felicis than mastering Occlumency. Severus was condemned to continue those futile lessons until he got proof that the boy could never repel the Dark Lord. Severus wanted Potter to learn, he really wanted him to be able to protect himself, that was all that mattered now, but he just couldn't teach him anything but how it felt to fall to one's knees on the hard stone floor in Severus's office.

When January leaked into February, Severus found himself being guiltily grateful that the full moon was approaching. It seemed that Remus's suffering meant his joy right now. He wasn't aware however that his own suffering was Remus's suffering too. And he didn't know that Remus missed him equally painfully. It became clear to him when he was walking along the high street in Hogsmeade, distracting himself from the tedious work at Hogwarts as someone bumped into his side and sent him stumbling. He whirled round and was ready to snap at whoever had been too clumsy to look where he was going when he heard that caress of a voice in his strained ears.

"Oh, forgive me, Severus, I was having a daydream."

Severus looked at him and thought that it was him having a daydream. Good grief! He was becoming more and more like a Gryffindor. He felt the strong impulse to pull Remus close in the middle of this highly frequented street and kiss him senseless, just for the fact that his werewolf had somehow felt his longing and come to his rescue. Just for his pleasure. Surely! Severus tried to muster all that was left of his Slytherin spirit.

"I didn't know that the full moon affected your eyes as well," he said but it didn't come out quite as sharply as he had intended. He couldn't bring himself to snap anymore when the sun broke through the clouds and made Remus glow warmly. He scowled. Honestly, when he had been together with Remus everyday he had been much more balanced. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

Remus smiled and started walking up the street, causing Severus to follow him. "I thought I'd make it easier for you to deliver the Potion," he said quietly, considering the shop windows on either side of the street. "I had to get away from Grimmauld Place, Sirius has been insufferable lately. I know that doesn't make me a good friend, does it?"

"As if I cared," growled Severus, pushing Remus to the left and off the high street. "Are you staying here?"

Remus nodded and took Severus by the arm, making him stiffen and look around. They were alone on the narrow street leading to the Hog's Head and Remus pulled him further uphill. Severus had an unpleasant notion of where Remus was staying.

"Aberforth gave me a vacant room for free until he needs it," said Remus and Severus groaned. "To be honest, I think that he doesn't usually need all his rooms. I will leave for the full moon of course and return to Grimmauld Place afterwards."

"What is there between you and _Aberforth_?" asked Severus, glowering at the werewolf as they drew closer to the pub. Remus chuckled and his breath formed clouds in the cold air.

"I assure you there is nothing out of the ordinary between us," he said as he shouldered the door open and pulled Severus, who was glancing around him worriedly, into the dingy but warm Hog's Head. "I'm just a little more charming than you when I ask a favour."

Severus glared at him but let himself be ushered to a table in the darkest corner of the pub and sat down on the bench, Remus lowering himself slowly beside him. The pub was just as empty as last time, only that this time, Aberforth did not leave the bar, but scrubbed away at the counter with a grimy cloth, staring at Severus and Remus rather suspiciously. No, not at Remus, only at Severus. That caused Severus to avert his eyes and scowl at Remus some more.

"Are you serious?" he grumbled and Remus looked past him at Aberforth, a grin spreading over his face. "How am I supposed to relax while he is _staring_ at me?" The werewolf gave him an apologetic look and squeezed his hand under the table. As much as Severus had longed for Remus's closeness, this situation was highly frustrating and disappointing. He was just leaning closer to Remus to whisper into his ear when two glasses were slammed down on the table before him and he started, sitting up straight and stiff to look up into Aberforth's glowering face, his blue eyes, so much like his brother's, piercing him malevolently.

"Well, well, Snape," he growled, filling the glasses with some amber liquid – the bottle was so dirty Severus couldn't make out what it was, "sticking your overlarge nose into things it doesn't belong again?"

Severus glared with all his might, fully aware that looks couldn't kill, and furious about it. He didn't retort anything, just clenched his teeth. He couldn't possibly retort anything. Aberforth's words had rendered him speechless with shame. And he wished he could admit it. Remus looked from one to the other of them and seemed disappointed that he had to witness such a scene once again. Severus wondered if Remus would ever realise that there was indeed a reason why nobody liked the man he had chosen for his own.

"Aberforth, whatever it is that you dislike in Severus, I assure you, you are mistaken in him," said the werewolf and both Severus and Aberforth gave up their glaring match to ogle him. "I would be much obliged if you could give us some time alone."

Aberforth raised an eyebrow at him, glanced scathingly at Severus and shrugged before turning and leaving them to themselves looking quite like Albus from behind. Severus leant back and looked at Remus who took his glass and held it to his nose, apparently trying to find out what was in it. Severus shifted uneasily. "There was no need to say that," he muttered irritably and knew he was being ungrateful. But it was good to be glared at by Aberforth, for the things he had done.

Remus glanced at him, took a sip of his drink and made a face. "Whisky," said he hoarsely and put the glass back on the table. "I don't like it when people look at you like that and talk to you like that, when they have no idea how honourable you are, what you do for all of us!" he continued in a rather more forceful voice than was normal for him.

Severus averted his eyes and looked at the door that led to the bedrooms. "Not everybody … nobody is as forgiving as you. And I do not consider it cruel that they don't forgive me."

Remus looked at him for a few long moments, then he took his hand and leant against him. "I hoped we could spend a nice day together, without thinking about bad things," he sighed and drummed his fingers on the table. The nervousness seemed to be starting already.

"That is impossible," said Severus and eyed his glass suspiciously, not daring to drink from it. "Maybe it would be best if I fetched your Wolfsbane and brought it here."

"But you will come back as soon as possible, will you not?" asked Remus, looking anxious. "I don't want to be alone anymore …"

Severus got up and waved a hand at him. "I will sneak in, get the Potion and sneak out again," he said, approaching the door, "and I will be with you again in no time." He stopped and looked at Remus, sitting there in his too shabby robes with his too long hair falling into his too sad eyes. Too beautiful. Too out of place in this dark pub. And Severus wished he could take him somewhere nicer, even the Three Broomsticks would have been nicer than this. He cursed Umbridge for interfering.

He wondered if his thoughts had been carried by the wind to Umbridge's office, for she cornered him as soon as he entered the castle and inquired after the Veritaserum. He had to make up some lie and it was highly tiring. Almost as tiring as being with Remus in the Hog's Head, chastely holding hands under the table while there was a tension hanging between them and Remus tried to make him talk. But Severus didn't feel like talking. He was looking at the door to the bedrooms again and he remembered like yesterday how he had opened it, with petty intentions.

"Severus, you aren't with me at all," said Remus softly and his nose brushed against Severus's cheekbone. His knee rested against Severus's quite gently and it drove Severus absolutely mad. This intimate touch reminded him of a day when they had not even kissed yet but been closer than ever before. Severus needed those touches, needed those memories and he needed Remus. "You are not in the mood to be with me, are you?"

Severus snapped out of his thoughts and turned his head, startled when he found himself nose to nose with Remus. He withdrew slightly before replying. "Rubbish," he muttered, "I'm not in the mood to be here. It depresses me."

Remus drummed his fingers on the table again. "Well, we … we could go upstairs."

Severus crossed his arms and scowled. "No," he said curtly and when Remus gave him a disappointed look he added, "I've told you before that I do not want to stay here, in a room of his, up there."

Remus gave him a curious look. "I don't understand you. We cannot go anywhere else, if we could I would be the first to suggest it, but it isn't possible. And I just don't understand why you would be so averse to Aberforth's rooms," he said and his voice grew a little annoyed near the end. "If it is that you don't want to be with me, you can just say, I won't be upset."

Severus snorted irritably. "You sound very upset already," he remarked. Remus gave him a look that was very unlike him, very fierce. "Alright," added Severus in an angry voice, "alright if you need to know I will tell you why I am so averse to staying here!" He stretched out his arm and pointed at the door he'd been staring at. "Do you see that door, Remus? Yes? Well, fifteen years ago I followed Dumbledore in here, he was going to meet someone and I wanted to spy on him for the Dark Lord, so I snuck in here and through that door. Up the stairs and down the landing until I had reached the door that Dumbledore had disappeared through. And I bent down and pressed my petty, spying ear to the keyhole to listen in. Now I am sure you can guess what I heard? We were just lucky that Aberforth here saw me following his brother and seized me by the scruff of my neck, dragging me away from the door and shaking me so hard that my brain hit my skull. Then he shoved me into the room where Dumbledore and Trelawney were sitting together and he told them I had been eavesdropping. Do you know what Dumbledore did?" Remus shook his head, quite speechless, obviously, and his amber eyes were sadder than ever. "Nothing," continued Severus with force, "he did nothing but look at me in that disappointed way and say 'let him go'. Just like that, no punishment, no calling the Aurors even though he knew I was a devoted Death Eater, trying to prove myself. No, he told Aberforth to let me go and Aberforth positively threw me out of his pub onto the street where I scrambled to my feet as fast as I could to crawl to my Lord's feet instead, to be honoured by him. To send him after the Potters. Did you know that some prophecies are only fulfilled when those who are concerned know of them? Well, this was one of them. Now I believe you will understand why I have no desire to be here, why I do not begrudge Aberforth his hostility towards me. He is quite right. And I hate to be reminded of it. Being in one of those rooms would be …" he stopped and looked away from Remus defiantly.

Remus was silent for a while, looking at the door and most probably imagining Severus as a twenty-year-old good-for-nothing spy, chased away by a furious Aberforth. That wasn't the picture he wanted Remus to have of him. That picture had cost him love before. But Remus had no sign of disappointment or disgust in his eyes when he looked at him again. He looked loving, good Merlin. And Severus knew why he was the only one who would ever have been told that secret of his.

"Do you know what I think?" asked Remus quietly and got up from his chair. Severus shook his head and wondered if Remus would send him away after all. "I think that it is about time that you left the past," he stretched out his hand to Severus and he took it automatically, "in the past," finished Remus and tugged on Severus's hand to make him get up.

Severus followed reluctantly and let Remus pull him through the fateful door, casting a look over his shoulder. The pub was quite empty. As was Severus's head. Up the stairs, down the landing, last door to the right; but no, Remus stopped before the second but last door to the right. Relief washed over Severus. He could still feel the cold metal of the keyhole against his ear, even now. The hand shaking him violently by the scruff of his robe. Albus's disappointed eyes on him. The dread when realising what he had done. The fear when Albus had Apparated to meet him. Remus's hand in his when he led him to the bed. And indeed the panted desire of their first night.

He looked at Remus, having trouble to focus his eyes on a point in his face, and tucked a lock of silver-brown hair behind his ear. Actually, he never wanted to stop touching him. He never wanted to risk waking up and finding that he had lost him. He didn't know if he could bear it. Especially because he _could_ touch him. The first time he actually touched someone he cared about, someone who meant so much to him. The only time he had been granted that privilege. He drank in Remus's tired features and found the golden pools wide awake and worried.

"This is not the same room, is it?" asked the werewolf hoarsely, concerned with Severus's state of mind rather than his own demands. "This will be alright for you, won't it?"

Severus nodded slowly and thought that Remus had been right, after all, as usual, really, and that in the future he would like to remember himself not as the cowering boy, creeping in here to prove himself a dismal spy, but as the straight backed man, following the one he loved to please him and indeed, hear him sigh like he sighed only in his presence. One learns from one's mistakes. And Severus had become someone who was granted the respect of one Remus Lupin, the most righteous of Gryffindors. Maybe some things did belong into the past, if not all the consequences. But a bit of the bitter regret drained from him when Remus's soft lips brushed carefully against his and he was allowed to lay his arms round that thin frame just like he had used to so many nights before, nights that he wished into the future, not the past. Some things were better kept vivid in one's memory. Though no memory could live up to reality. To the reality of Remus's arms and lips and voice and skin. And Severus's last thought was that he would defy no place, no room, anywhere, if it meant holding his werewolf and waking up beside him, pretending to be angry about not having been woken, acting as if he had never even considered telling him how much he loved him.


	24. Unwilling

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling (including the dialogue taken from OotP).

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: All right, I always wondered what Severus experienced during the Occlumency lesson featured in this chapter. Harry always thought his mind was wide open when leaving Severus's office and his scar always burned - I wanted to give those two facts a meaning. I missed Valentine's Day, but Severus doesn't think much of it, anyway ;).

Emily-pino: Glad you like the Lucius scenes, I rather enjoy writing them :). And I enjoyed writing about Remus's parents, the way I imagine them to be - artistic freedom here :D - I imagine Remus's father to have been an impressive man. And it was important to me to help Severus sort out this particular problem.

Smurny: Thanks :) Oh, it will take Severus some more time to tell Remus about his feelings, I'm afraid ... and no, Severus doesn't really resemble Severus that much, in fact they're very different. They just share some character traits. They're both condescending, have sharp tongues and are proud of their own capabilities. But where Remus's father is good-looking and much too full of himself, Severus is ... well. And now I'm writing about John Lupin as though he really existed ;). Maybe Remus just WANTED to see their similarities rather than their differences.

soniakay: Thank you so much, that means a lot to me!

Kiraling: Great that Mr Lupin wandered from my mind to yours :D I have such a vivid picture of him ... I just wonder why everybody's parents are already dead even though wizards have such long life-spans, I mean, can they all have died in the war? And yes, I like writing Remus and Sev's dates ^^ the two of them are so different, it is fun to write Remus in contrast to Severus.

Resevius: It's interesting to write from Sev's PoV because you actually start thinking like him - that's why Sirius is such a git when I write him and Voldemort is prancing :D. I like prologues too :) Not epilogues so much, though. And can you read my mind? Read the last sentence of this chapter ;). Thank you for the compliment, by the way, you had me blushing :). I'll answer your message as soon as I have found the right words :).

**Unwilling**

Severus spent the following days rather light-footedly, having the extremely pleasant possibility to see Remus every day after a mere ten-minute walk, without rousing the slightest suspicion (except perhaps, that his colleagues feared he had taken to drink). Not even Potter's abysmal Occlumency could darken his spirits. He even refrained from mocking the boy during the week that Remus spent at Hogsmeade. And he turned funny when Umbridge asked him about the Veritaserum again: he dared tell her that in winter the Potion would need much longer to mature and she would be the first to be informed when it was ready. He smirked rather self-sufficiently when she believed the blunt lie.

On the day of the full moon, though, Remus declined a visit from Severus on the following day, stating that he was feeling energetic and healthy enough to make it on his own. It made Severus rather sulky but he accepted Remus's embrace as an apology, simply to be able to melt into him once more and forget that they weren't, in truth, the same person, before Remus disappeared again to leave them both lonely for another few weeks.

Severus stubbornly ignored Valentine's Day and was glad that Remus knew him well enough to do so too. The Apparition lessons for the sixth-years were approaching and he dreaded another few boring hours in which he would have to put back together Splinched students. His thoughts were wandering around Remus again and he cursed Valentine's Day and the fact that as common place a thing as Apparition made him think about Remus and how he had stumbled into McGonagall as a mere boy, only of interest to Severus when he was thinking loathingly about his lycanthropy. Indeed, Severus remembered like yesterday the apology Remus had given him after Dumbledore had already made Severus swear not to tell anyone about what he was. Only nowadays Severus knew that Remus had meant every stammered word, every desperate tear.

It was a nice change to make fun of McGonagall without actually laughing at her when the next Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff went so disastrous for McGonagall's team, deprived of Potter and the Weasley twins since the fight they had had with Draco and his friends, that Severus actually had to make a huge effort to keep a straight face. Second-class Beaters and Ron Weasley missing every single one of the Quaffles thrown in his direction as though he were afraid of the red ball, condemned Gryffindor to a ridiculous defeat that was only lessened by Ginny Weasley catching the Snitch. Severus found it a rather nice distraction to mock McGonagall a little and hope for his team's victory in the House Championship. He had so many miserable things to worry about, and that Quidditch would actually cheer him up was so wonderfully ironic that he thought he'd enjoy it thoroughly as long as it lasted.

On Monday after the match there was a surprise brought by owls to the Great Hall, and by Albus who had had the idea of giving an edition of the obnoxious _Quibbler_ to every member of staff, except Umbridge. Severus's own was sitting on his nightstand when he woke up early and he only touched it because Potter was looking back at him from the cover, quite intimidated at being in Severus's bedroom, obviously. He snatched the magazine up and turned the pages until he reached the article concerning Potter. An interview. 'Harry Potter speaks out at last' it read and then a full account of the night when the Dark Lord had returned. Severus couldn't find it amusing. He wondered if crazy Xenophilius Lovegood even realised that this might just as well be the first act of a very long tragedy, concerning his enmity with the Dark Lord.

Everyone else was quite delighted with Potter's bravery and Severus couldn't help finding it respectable that the boy went to such lengths, the ban from Hogsmeade weekends, detention and what not to tell everyone the truth. Still, there was no reason to admire him or push presents into his already arrogant hands like Flitwick did. Especially because even in Severus's Potions classes people were constantly losing points for whispered conversations about the interview and exploding cauldrons due to lack of concentration while listening to each other quoting what Potter had said about that fateful night. Severus wondered if they'd finally stop if they knew that he was a Death Eater as well. Some additional fear couldn't do any harm. But the number of parents who would accept a Death Eater as their children's teacher was just as small as the number who would have tolerated Remus.

Draco Malfoy and his friends were the only ones who were not in the slightest excited about the interview. Ever since it had been published they were the subject of much pointing and whispering themselves, since Potter had mentioned their fathers' names as Death Eaters. Severus was glad that he had not appeared in any of it himself, but the fact that Lucius and the others had was not much better, either. Draco even came up to him after Potions that week to talk to him about it and all Severus could say to him was that nobody would possibly take the _Quibbler_ seriously and that his father was a highly-respected man whose reputation could not be damaged by such an abysmal attempt to smear him.

"You would testify for him, sir, wouldn't you?" asked Draco rather more worriedly than Severus knew he cared to admit. Severus looked into his grey eyes and wondered what it felt like to love one's father, to fear for his safety and to care about what other people said about him. Maybe he would ask Remus one day what it was like to have a good father.

"Of course, Draco," he replied quietly, "just like he would for me." And Severus knew he would for he had done so already. Draco nodded, reassured by Severus's support, and left him to his thoughts. His thoughts were disrupted, though, by a burning in his arm that same night and for the first time in months he was scared to answer it. He had a distinct feeling that he would be punished, and if not him then someone else.

The circle was quite nervous when Severus joined them. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Avery squirming where he stood, with pain most probably. Severus had known that he would be punished for the faulty information he had given the Dark Lord. He was lucky to be alive. Rookwood on the other hand looked rather relaxed and sure of himself. Severus dreaded the reason. The Dark Lord stepped between Lucius and Severus and his voice was between glee and anger.

"My dear friends," he said and he touched Severus's shoulder quite deliberately as he walked by, "I have gained precious information."

A long silence followed those words as the Dark Lord walked slowly around the circle. Severus rolled his eyes when Bellatrix leant towards him in worship when he passed her. Impatience was seizing Severus's body and he clenched and unclenched his fists nervously, willing the Dark Lord to go on.

"Rookwood here has proven himself more useful within the last hour than most of you during the last six months. And Avery has experienced what it means to waste my time with futile plans and false assumptions, merely to gain my favour," continued the Dark Lord and Avery whimpered like the worthless git he was. "It seems we have been pursuing the wrong plans for months and all sacrifices, all risks were for nothing. But now, thanks to Rookwood, I have finally found out how to acquire the prophecy that is the key to my success."

He walked on into the middle of the circle and pointed his wand at Severus. Severus swallowed and tried not to seem worried or look guilty. The Dark Lord didn't strike, he just let his wand hover in midair, aiming at Severus for a few moments before he addressed him. "Severus, you will be a great help to me," he hissed and the circle looked round at Severus. "Yes, indeed, you will be very valuable once again. You, who has such a perfect position, right next to Dumbledore, in striking distance to Potter. You who can mess with Potter's mind like no other and even on Dumbledore's orders. Hear what I have to say to you, my friend."

Severus bowed and waited for what the Dark Lord had to say, grateful that Albus had not been so abysmal an Occlumency teacher as he was. "I will be honoured to receive your orders, my Lord," said Severus in a solemn voice.

"You must find out if what Rookwood has told me is true," said the Dark Lord, casting a threatening look in Rookwood's direction. "I do not wish another delay, another waste of my precious time. You must go to Dumbledore and find out if he knows – or rather if he is willing to tell you – that the prophecy can only be taken by those whose names are mentioned on the sign. Meaning myself and our dear Harry. If that is indeed the case, you know what you have to do. I will not enter the Ministry again. Potter must do it for me. And to make him do it I will use this handy connection that let him see my attack on the blood-traitor."

Severus swallowed. So Rookwood had actually been able to give the Dark Lord the last bit of vital information needed to fulfil his plans. "I will do as you desire, master. I will keep Potter's mind accessible for your penetration," said Severus and earned a horrible smile. He wished it had been a lie but at the moment there was no doubt about the fact that he was only worsening the problem of Potter's weak mind, instead of erasing it. And Albus wouldn't even consider relieving him of that impossible task. He didn't realise how dangerous it was.

"I know you will, Severus," whispered the Dark Lord and Bellatrix huffed irritably. "I know I can rely on you."

That wasn't a compliment that Severus liked to hear. When the circle was dismissed, Severus went to see Albus immediately. The castle was dark and he blended in with his surroundings, only stepping out of the darkness when he caught two students being a little too intimate with each other behind a suit of armour. They were absolutely shocked to have been surprised by him and they stared at the floor in embarrassed silence, the boy stepping in front of the girl in a protective gesture as they were told off. Severus took twenty points from each Gryffindor and Ravenclaw simply because he felt irritated and stupidly jealous, then he sent them back to their common rooms into opposite directions.

Severus continued on to Albus's office and the gargoyle sprang aside to let him in. Albus was still awake, sitting behind his desk, his hands folded and his chin resting on them. "Ah, Severus, has he finally made progress?" he asked, sounding utterly unconcerned and more bored than anything else. Severus approached him and sat down opposite him. "What news do you have for me?"

"Rookwood has told the Dark Lord that he or Potter have to take the prophecy," said Severus quietly. "He ordered me to ask you if that was true. And if yes, he wanted me to open Potter's mind even further."

"Of course, of course …" muttered Albus and closed his eyes. "I fear that you will have to tell him that this time he is indeed on the right track – you should add how you cleverly tickled it out of me though I was reluctant to admit it, else he will become suspicious as to why I didn't tell you earlier. Let us just hope that Harry masters Occlumency soon enough to repel Voldemort's attempts to manipulate his mind."

Severus shifted uneasily in his chair. "Headmaster, I entreat you to believe me that I have no reason and no hope to assume that he does," he said, even though he had no desire to admit his failure. "I wish you found someone else to teach him, or talked to him yourself. And if not then would you please take other precautions? I cannot guarantee for his safety this time, I do not want to be held responsible for the consequences merely because you found it unnecessary to listen to me."

Albus looked at him and considered him closely. "I have faith in you, Severus," he said and Severus squirmed under his eyes. "Go to bed now, Severus, and do not worry too much."

Severus found that ridiculous advice. He positively stomped back to his rooms and wrenched his robes off himself. In the following night he traveled to the Dark Lord again and informed him of what Dumbledore had told him and he was dismissed with a very approving smirk and a wave of the Dark Lord's skeletal hand. Severus was glad that he could get away so quickly and hoped that for the next weeks he would be left in peace. But it didn't take long until the next incident shook him, and indeed, made him furious.

Once again Potter was on the ground in his office and Severus lifted the Legilimency Spell that had shown him something that didn't belong in Potter's head at all. Rookwood kneeling in the Dark Lord's room, no doubt having the conversation that had caused the last Death Eater meeting. That revelation didn't only worry Severus, it made him so angry at Potter that he wished he could slap him. Up to now the only thing Potter had been dreaming about was the door to the Department of Mysteries, but obviously Severus had been right and the boy never even tried to close his mind.

"Get up, Potter," said Severus sharply. "That last memory. What was it?"

"I don't know," said Potter and got to his feet. "You mean the one where my cousin tried to make me stand in the toilet?"

On every other occasion Severus would have sneered and made some mocking remark but right now he wasn't in the mood at all. "No," he said softly, "I mean the one with a man kneeling in a darkened room …"

"It's … nothing," lied Potter brazenly and Severus's anger rose. When Severus tried to make eye contact Potter looked quickly away, obviously realising that Severus couldn't look into his petty mind without looking into his eyes as well.

"How do that man and that room come to be inside your head, Potter?" he hissed daring Potter to make something up.

"It – it was just a dream I had," said Potter evasively. Severus balled his fist so he wouldn't really slap him. What did he think they were doing here? Having a good time together? Bringing Severus up to date with the miserable life he had caused the boy by losing him his parents? Certainly not.

"A dream?" asked Severus and let a deadly silence follow his words during which Potter stared at something or other, just not at Severus. "You do know why we are here, don't you, Potter? You do know why I am giving up my evenings for this tedious job?" he continued and his anger seeped into his voice.

"Yes," said Potter stiffly and Severus felt his fist twist dangerously.

"Remind me why we are here, Potter," said Severus determined to torment Potter until he finally got it into his stubborn head.

"So I can learn Occlumency," replied Potter, his face darkening.

"Correct, Potter. And dim though you may be –" at this Potter finally looked at him again and the hatred was plainly visible on his face, "– I would have thought that after two months of lessons you might have made some progress. How many other dreams about the Dark Lord have you had?"

"Just that one," said Potter. A lie, clearly.

"Perhaps," said Severus, narrowing his eyes at the impertinent boy, "perhaps you actually enjoy having these visions and dreams, Potter. Maybe they make you feel special – important?"

"No, they don't," said Potter, gripping his wand very tightly. But of course they did, Potter was just like Black, liking to feel involved, liking to do something heroic. One day they would both perish and everyone else with them. Potter just didn't want to accept that others were doing the work and that all he had to do to help was lean back and keep safe.

"That is just as well," said Severus coldly, "because you are neither special nor important, and it is not up to you to find out what the Dark Lord is saying to his Death Eaters."

"No – that's your job, isn't it?" Potter shot at him and Severus could see in his face that he had surprised himself with his disrespectful remark. But Severus didn't find that the worst thing anyone had ever said to him, indeed he was rather pleased that finally that matter was clear to Potter. That he knew what Severus was doing for the Order, risking his life, the most important job was his.

"Yes, Potter. That is my job," he answered. "Now, if you are ready, we will start again." He raised his wand and prepared for the flow of Potter's memories that were about to flood his mind. "One – two – three – _Legilimens_!"

Severus had expected the usual vivid stream that he had seen every time up to now, but the scene he saw was somewhat blurred and vague. He could make out the Dementors in the dark grounds of Hogwarts and yet Potter remained standing this time and his mind focused. The next thing Severus saw was Potter's wand tip and the next thing he heard was Potter's "_Protego_!" before his arm flew upwards and his Spell was turned on himself and he staggered backwards. His mind was immediately forced violently into his past. He felt as if he were a boy again, crying in the corner as his father shouted at his mother like he frequently did. He had the depressing loneliness in his body as he remembered lying on his bed in his father's gloomy house as a teenager, shooting flies from the air with his wand. The humiliation seeped into his every ounce as he tried to mount a bucking broomstick, being laughed at by a girl from his year. He felt the next memory already approaching and he caught a glimpse of it, fear mounting in his body when he felt the arms of his enemy round his shoulders, dragging him away from his certain death. Here he regained control of himself and he forced Potter out of his private memories before he could get a glance at that memory and the next and then maybe one that would show him things that Severus would rather die than share.

"ENOUGH!" he yelled and waved his arm to push Potter magically backwards. The boy staggered and crashed into one of Severus's shelves, breaking a jar. Severus's breathing was shallow and his mind felt sore. "Reparo," hissed Severus to mend the glass and save its contents. He felt his fingers trembling and hated Potter, hated him with such might that he lost control very rapidly. He wanted to punish him for looking in on his past, for forcing him to relive those memories. "Well, Potter … that was certainly an improvement …" Severus couldn't help feeling apprehensive of the memories he had stored in the Pensieve. He straightened it, still breathing heavily, and as the thoughts inside it swirled he made sure that he had stored all the most secret of them away. He closed the strong room in the back of his mind more firmly and tried to stop imagining that Potter might just have glimpsed a memory of how Professor Snape had kissed Professor Lupin the other day. Severus wondered how he would have reacted to that. "I don't remember telling you to use a Shield Charm … but there is no doubt that it was effective …" Potter didn't speak but when Severus faced him, not even bothering to hide his hatred, he looked anxious and worried. "Let's try again, shall we?" added Severus and stepped back behind the desk, raising his wand, determined to pay Potter back. "One – two – _Legilimens_!"

All of a sudden, Severus left his office and found himself running down a dark corridor to a black door. He almost expected it to be the same memory he had once before seen in Potter's mind but then the door to the Department of Mysteries flew open and he advanced in. It was here in the circular room, with doors all round the wall, that he realised he was no longer in Potter's mind and this was no memory, he felt the distinct wish to find the right door, the wonder which one it would be and knew that Potter and he had just joined the Dark Lord in his dreams – hopefully only his dreams – and that they were both in danger. This was the first time that he could actually be sure that the Dark Lord was looking at him through those emerald eyes, and suddenly he felt the red lights burning into him from beyond Potter's mind.

"POTTER!" he cried, lifting the spell, upset and furious. The boy stumbled with the force with which the Spell was wrenched away from him and he fell to the floor, panting heavily, to remain lying on his back. It was just as well. Severus didn't want to look into his eyes right now. He walked round the table as Potter opened his eyes and glowered down at him. "Explain yourself!"

"I … dunno what happened," said Potter stupidly, as he got up, flushed and confused. "I've never seen that before. I mean, I told you, I've dreamed about the door … but it's never opened before …"

Severus was boiling with anger. He didn't need to be told that they had just joined the Dark Lord while he was actually imagining reaching the Department of Mysteries. Let it have been only a dream, only his imagination. "You are not working hard enough!" Severus snapped at the boy. "You are lazy and sloppy, Potter, it is small wonder that the Dark Lord –"

"Can you tell me something, _sir_?" interrupted Potter viciously. "Why do you call Voldemort the Dark Lord? I've only ever heard Death Eaters call him that."

_This Death Eater is going to teach you some respect, Potter! Impertinent brat, oblivious and naïve!_ Just when Severus thought that he'd risk a slap, snarling hatefully at Potter, a woman's scream came from above and startled them both. Severus whipped up his head and looked at the ceiling. "What the –?" he muttered in wonder and when some noise could be heard following the scream he looked round at Potter, frowning. "Did you see anything unusual on your way down here, Potter?"

The boy shook his head. The scream was repeated. Severus decided to find out if help was needed, gripping his wand tightly as he strode out of his office. After a moment he heard Potter's steps following him. When Severus reached the Entrance Hall, the shocking scene before him incited a thought in him that he knew was inappropriate. A disheveled and weeping Trelawney was standing in the middle of a circle of students and teachers looking at her and when Severus glanced over their heads he made out the reason for this spectacle. Umbridge was standing opposite Trelawney and Severus knew that she was dismissing her. Just like she would dismiss Hagrid. Severus had no desire to watch that scene. He had watched cruelty too many times to watch it voluntarily now. When he saw Potter joining the crowd he returned to his office, put back his memories into his head and stepped as quickly as he could through the fireplace, that was currently not being watched, into the kitchen of number twelve, Grimmauld Place.

There was no one to be seen and it suited Severus very well. He ascended the stairs quietly and opened Remus's bedroom door without knocking, finding the werewolf dozing peacefully in his armchair. Severus enjoyed the sight of him for a moment before he approached him, knelt down at his feet and ran his hands up his thighs to take his delicate hands into his own. Remus stirred but didn't wake, merely turned his head, his lips quirked into a slight smile. Severus didn't wake him, just laid his head to Remus's chest, listening to his slow heart beat. It was calming. Very slowly he felt his body relaxing and his mind stopping to ache.

It felt like hours until Remus's hands squeezed Severus's gently and the werewolf woke, sighing quietly when he kissed the top of Severus's head. Severus felt drowsy and content when he lifted his head off Remus's heartbeat to allow Remus to kiss him gently, the taste of strawberry drops on his tongue and then on Severus's as well. Remus smiled like Severus loved him to smile, mildly, warmly, welcoming. Happily.

"What gives me the pleasure of your presence?" he asked huskily and Severus shivered, cradled in Remus's warmth. He laid his head back against Remus's chest and let go of his hands so he could embrace him. He tried to remember for a moment why he was at Grimmauld Place and sighed heavily when it came back to him.

"Potter," he mumbled into Remus's robes.

"What did he do now?" asked Remus, amusement in his wonderful voice. Severus felt much better already, just because Remus acknowledged that it was Potter who had done something to him, not the other way around.

Severus hesitated for a moment and decided to recount everything in chronological order. "He caught me off guard for a moment, used a Shield Charm on me and broke into my mind …"

"But surely he didn't see anything too private, did he?" said Remus quietly. "Surely you keep those things hidden much too deeply inside for Harry to accidentally come across them?"

"You mean the memories in which he would lose his respect for you?" replied Severus and though he was being serious, Remus chuckled nicely. "No, he saw nothing of the sort. He saw scenes from my childhood. And in my childhood it was only your mysterious illness that was of interest to me."

"You found me strange," said Remus knowingly.

"Yes," agreed Severus, "I still do sometimes … you are an enigma to me."

"I know," chuckled Remus. "You've told me before … but what did Harry see that upset you so?"

"He saw me," said Severus. "Me like I was as a child. Me crying in a corner while my bastard of a father was yelling at my mother. Me as the awkward teenager I was … I don't want anyone to see me like that anymore. I don't want to see myself like that anymore. He has no right to intrude on my past. To force me back into these situations. I hate to be reminded of my lesser self."

"Everyone has had a childhood, Severus," said Remus, his hand caressing Severus's tense back. "I know you don't like to think about it but there is no need to be ashamed of it. You see his past all the time, and I daresay it is similar to yours. Maybe it will make Harry understand you a bit better."

Severus huffed and pressed harder against Remus's chest. "That is very comforting, thank you," he drawled ironically and Remus chuckled again.

"But that isn't all, right?" said Remus. "There was something more to upset you."

Severus grumbled. "I was just using Legilimency on Potter when it happened," he admitted, shuddering, and Remus tightened his arms round him. "We were in the Dark Lord's mind. We saw him dreaming, I think, of the Department of Mysteries. It wasn't a memory of Potter's, we were there, with the Dark Lord, in his head. And then I felt as if he had seen me. As if he had noticed us and used Potter's mind to find out what was going on. It was eerie. It was like a warning. And the foolish boy didn't even realise it, didn't seem worried at all. When I told him the truth, that he was too lazy and careless, he was impertinent enough to be cheeky with me!" Severus had talked himself into a rage, so he stopped talking, scowling at the bed.

"I understand your anger, Severus," said Remus, his voice calm and soothing. "Don't let it get to you. Be patient with him. I am sure he will realise that he is being unreasonable."

"No!" cried Severus angrily, raising his head. "You don't understand, he does the opposite of whatever I tell him. When I want him to see how dangerous this is, he just glares at me and I'm sure he secretly plans to keep having the dreams so he sees what's going on and can do something stupidly heroic just to annoy me. Today he openly declared that he mistrusts me!"

"Are you sure that you interpreted his words correctly?" asked Remus in a voice that sounded very much like Albus's. Severus glared at him.

"He asked me why I called the Dark Lord by that name and said he had only ever heard Death Eaters call him that," he growled and Remus frowned. "How does that sound to you? How would you interpret that?"

"Well, he suspects you to have been a Death Eater," said Remus slowly. "Maybe he wanted to take revenge on you for what you said to him."

"Oh, he knows that I was a Death Eater, he has seen me showing my Dark Mark to Fudge to make him see sense," muttered Severus, angrier than ever. "He wanted to tell me between the lines that he suspects me of being a faithful Death Eater even now. I would have slapped him if we hadn't been interrupted."

"Such Muggle behaviour, Severus?" said Remus, his tone weary. Severus's glare darkened and Remus kissed him tenderly on the lips to soften his temper. Successfully. "Nobody else thinks you a faithful servant to your old master. And Harry only likes to believe it so he has a reason to be angry with you."

Severus put his head back down, hearing Remus sigh a relieved sigh and he smiled into the shabby robes. "You know, I come to you to hear you saying these things. Hearing them again and again might make them come true."

"I am glad you come to me," said Remus and Severus knew that he too could read between the lines and hear that Severus had left some things unsaid. A 'thank you', a 'you're right', maybe a 'you are the only one I can really talk to'. Remus had heard them all. "I seem to be unable to convince you that you are respected in the Order."

"You respect me, you dunderhead," replied Severus. "The others don't want to argue with you, that is why you believe that you have convinced them that I am trustworthy." Again an 'I'm grateful' left out. But Severus had never said everything he had had on his mind. Words didn't mean anything. His head over Remus's heart was loud enough.

"They will see, in the end, that I was right. And they will apologise to you."

Severus wondered for a moment if Remus actually believed that, or if he just wanted to encourage them both. People didn't like to admit to their mistakes, and even if they found out about Severus's true nature one day, they would not change their minds about him. He was too unpleasant a person anyway. He couldn't even name anybody whom he hadn't insulted or offended yet. Not even Remus. Least of all Remus.

"I will stay tonight," said Severus matter-of-factly.

"Oh, please do," said Remus and a smile was audible in his voice. "I'm always glad to see you and stay with you, not only on the full moon." He chuckled softly and Severus's chest vibrated pleasantly with the sound of it. "Sometimes I feel like the secret lover of a married man, who can only be visited when the husband gets away from his wife with a good excuse."

Severus snorted. "If Umbridge were my wife the excuse would probably be her death," he muttered and he felt the snicker that Remus was suppressing. "I do not like to make you feel that way, though you are secret, indeed …" Severus had wanted to say 'there is no one else' but he thought better of it. It wasn't quite true after all, there was still someone else occupying his mind. Though quite different of course, not physical, never physical, never requited. And Severus would have found it wrong and injuring to tell it to Remus, who was beyond comparison, who had given him more than anyone had before.

"That is fine," said Remus affectionately. "I am happy as it is. It is more than I ever thought possible."

The room was completely dark, there was only the light of the waxing moon, shining through the grimy window to illuminate Remus's soft features. Severus straightened up and ran his thumb over Remus's lips, causing his werewolf to close his eyes. He kissed him gently and Remus's legs closed on Severus's hips, his arms holding him close. Even if he had wanted to leave, Severus was sure that Remus wouldn't have let him go. And Severus felt at home, here at Grimmauld Place. More romantic than he was letting on.


	25. Thrice

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world (including the dialogue taken from OotP) belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT, implied Blotts/Flourish

Author Notes: Hi, everyone! So, this one is very long, I included a lot of scenes that have nothing to do with the book at all, but are revolvong around Severus's relationships with different people. But in one scene Harry is in the Pensieve and I didn't know if you actually disappear in it or if you just put your head in, so I somply chose what seemed more logical to me. By the way, I know 'Thrice' is a little strange, but 'three times' just wasn't as ... short.

To all who like Sirius: I'm really sorry, but ... well, I'm writing from Severus's perspective, and just like Remus is perfect in his eyes, Sirius is worse than he actually is. And Sirius was rather cruel to Severus in the books. All the other things that happen in the scene I'm referring to, I based on the little details that JKR wrote about Sirius. You might think I overdid it, but the two of those just can't stand each other and, well, this is what I can imagine it to have been like. This negative side of all three of them was important to me. Sirius isn't actually the bad guy here ;).

Next update on Remus's birthday, 10th of March. Enjoy :)!

Resevius: I was referring to something I wrote in an earlier chapter, because I made Remus a poor Apparator. It was in the chapter called More To Say, Severus was remembering Remus's Apparition test in seventh year when he stumbled into McGonagall because he missed his destination ;).

Kiraling: Yes, I found it interesting to write those lessons from Severus's PoV because he's always seen as the one who makes it hell for Harry but nobody sees that it is hell for him too. That scene when Severus wants to see Remus was important to me, and I felt warm writing it ;).

**Thrice**

Severus tried to burn the feeling of waking up beside Remus into his memory so vividly that he could dwell on it whenever he was in a horrible mood. He found his memory rather inaccurate, even now that waking up beside his werewolf was again a rather frequent thing. Every time it happened he was surprised at the quality of it and how far it exceeded his imagination. His memory seemed grey and boring in comparison and it gave him a thrill to be positively taken aback with an unexpected amount of pleasure when opening his eyes to the werewolf's ivory skin and gleaming golden hair. And yet when he returned to Hogwarts to be alone again his memory seemed colourful and magnificent. That just proved how magnificent Remus really was to him, how much colour he brought into Severus's black and white life.

He propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at Remus's sleeping face, forgetting that he was supposed to be at Hogwarts, having breakfast at the High Table. He lowered his head to kiss Remus's soft lips, shivering with pleasure. He wanted to feast on it, like a bear, preparing for the long fasting during the winter. Remus stirred and smiled but didn't open his eyes. He was awake, Severus was sure. He saw it in the twitching of his lips, the fluttering of his black eyelashes against his pale cheeks, the irregular rising and falling of his scarred chest. Severus knew that all he had to do was wait. And he didn't care how long it would take. The rest of the world didn't exist. There was nothing outside this room. What was time? Unimportant.

So Severus waited and he smirked when Remus couldn't wait any longer. Remus had never had the resolution to hold back like Severus. The werewolf opened one amber eye, then the other one and his smile broadened. "You are teasing me," said he in a mock petulant voice. "But at least you are still here."

"I would not leave without saying good-bye," said Severus slowly, bending down again to press his lips to the corner of Remus's mouth. "So, good-bye." Remus shook his head and tried to hold Severus back but his weak fingers just slipped over Severus's skin. Severus looked over his shoulder, watching Remus sit up, the silken blanket running down his torso like water, pooling round his hips. Those treacherous eyes of his were glued to the werewolf, allowing him to move not so much as an inch further away from him. Remus raised his own eyes to Severus's face and an amused smile curled his lips.

"Oh," he whispered, leaning back against the headboard with a self-satisfied expression that could only very rarely be seen on him, "I thought you were going to leave." He ran his hand over his chest very deliberately and Severus cursed him silently for being such an impertinent – and then he was kissing him again, moving automatically, without even realising it.

"A fool," he mumbled against Remus's lips when he slipped back underneath the blanket, never breaking skin contact, "would leave you now."

Remus's chuckle stayed in his ear for the rest of the rather extraordinarily interesting day. Apparently Albus had defied Umbridge and was feeling rather self-satisfied about it. Employing a centaur – a lowly creature in Umbridge's eyes – as new Divination teacher, and letting Trelawney stay in the castle was enough to make Umbridge fume with suppressed anger. Severus found it rather curious how Firenze was gazing up at the enchanted ceiling in his classroom, reading something in the stars that did not in the slightest interest Severus. What was the future to him? Especially the future that was told by the stars? The present counted, not the past, not the future. And Severus knew, when he withdrew from Firenze's door, that he only told himself those words firmly because to him the past was horrible, and the future was likely to bring bad times. The present, though, was pleasant.

Too pleasant. It was almost unbelievable that February passed into March without anything worse than Splinched students during Apparition lessons darkening his days. No news from the Dark Lord, none from Lucius, either, no new dreams for Potter. Indeed, the full moon in March went smoothly enough, except for Remus's falling up the stairs and being gathered up laughing by a grumpy Severus who half carried him to bed, letting the good mood infect him and even giving a small smile when Remus requested a birthday visit – if Severus could kindly make it possible. Black hadn't been mentioned in weeks and Severus felt smug when Remus admitted that his friend was unlikely to be in the mood for a pleasant chat over a nice piece of cake and a cup of tea. The only thing that Severus disliked was that Remus seemed very upset about Black's overall behaviour.

In March, Severus became rather careless, indeed, risking too much perhaps when he wrote a letter to Remus that had been opened already by the time it reached the werewolf, counting too naturally on Dumbledore's protection when he joined Remus during a nocturnal investigation of Hogsmeade's streets. And definitely being too reckless when he stopped tormenting Potter because of his poor achievements at Occlumency. He was far too relaxed, far too satisfied with the peace he now had, the freedom to visit Remus regularly, that he almost forgot what was going on outside Hogwarts. His arm prickled impatiently now and then but no calls were shot through it. It should have been worrying to Severus, it should have made him realise that the Dark Lord still had perfect access to Potter's mind and that he required no more help. But Severus found it exceedingly tiring to tell Albus the same thing over and over again and thus, he left it unsaid.

But of course, as always in Severus's life, the pleasant time didn't last long. April wasn't kind to him. The first punishment for Severus's recklessness that April had in store for him was his encounter with Black in the kitchen of number twelve, Grimmauld Place on the very first day of the week before the full moon. When Severus entered, a warm phial of Potion in his hand, he noticed Black, sitting close to the fireplace, having supper all alone and looking up at him, his expression changing immediately from anticipation to loathing. Severus glared at him.

"Where is Lupin?" he asked, knowing better than to use Remus's first name. Black would ask insolent questions.

"None of your business," snarled Black, getting up and clearing away his plate. He leant against the sink and glowered at Severus, bitterness and defiance etched into his sunken features. The shadow of his former beauty seemed to be mocking Severus, and he was sure it mocked Black as well, every time he looked at a mirror if he did at all, the state he was in told a different story. Unkempt, filthy clothes, rings under his eyes that were darker even than Remus's. And Severus could smell, even from his position three feet away, that Black had still not taken Remus's advice to stop drinking. Self-pitying git. Ungrateful mutt.

"Is it that you do not know, Black?" asked Severus silkily. "You do not know where your best friend is? Did you just lose him in your drunken state or did he finally realise that you aren't worthy of his attention?"

Black took a violent step forward and swayed slightly. "Shut up, you greasy bastard, or I'll make you!" he snapped and Severus was surprised at his unending eloquence. "Remus can go wherever he likes and if he knew that you were coming he might just have wanted to avoid your slime getting on him!"

Severus's lip curled and he would have loved to tell Black very precisely just what Remus really thought about Severus's 'slime'. "If you believe it or not Black, Lupin is far more eager to see me, than to see you," he hissed coldly, narrowing his eyes. "In fact, he was expecting me, and if you don't realise that then I must admit even I have too high an opinion of your qualities as a friend."

Black stepped slowly closer and Severus started wondering if he was sober enough to punch him, or rather to punch without missing. "I'm sick of you, Snivellus," growled Black, his hand gripping the back of a chair so hard that Severus was sure it would splinter. "All the time you're acting so great, but I know you better, you don't fool me! You'll keep your filthy claws off Remus, and your filthy mouth shut about me, or I'll teach you a lesson!"

"I'm very interested in that lesson," sneered Severus, always keeping an eye on Black's unsteady movements. "I do not believe there is anything you could possibly teach me, after all, your development stopped when you were thrown into Azkaban. I even know your precious godson better than you, I am more of a help to your so-called best friend than you, there you see what a tiny little mistake can do to a person who was so arrogant and careless as yourself. You stay the same while everyone around you surpasses you."

Black pointed a finger at him, his arm shaking slightly. "You knew it, didn't you? That I was innocent! You knew and didn't say!" he yelled and Severus wished it were true just so he could feel the satisfaction of having paid Black back.

"You deserved every torturing year inside Azkaban, Black, every single year!" said Severus softly, balling his fist over his wand. "The state you are in proves me right, you are not worthy of your lucky freedom! How can you believe yourself a good parent and a good friend when all you do is sulk and drink? Drink until you can barely stand on your own feet any longer? Nobody respects you now, Black, nobody is intimidated by a self-pitying, worthless drunkard!"

That had been one too many. Severus couldn't even pull out his wand properly, Black had already launched himself at him with a furious roar, seizing the front of his robes and slamming him violently against the stone wall, knocking the breath out of his lungs with the force of it. For a second or so Severus's eyes went dark and his body didn't obey him anymore, there was a horrid crash that reached Severus's ear menacingly and incited such anger in him as he had seldom felt in the last weeks. The phial with Wolfsbane had fallen out of his hand to the ground and shattered, spilling the green substance over the stone floor, seeping into every crack and gap, hissing viciously.

Severus gripped Black's wrists, turning his head so he wouldn't have to smell his breath or look into his hateful eyes, and tried to make him let go of him. But he was at a clear disadvantage, rather smaller than Black and obviously less familiar with physical violence. He didn't struggle too much, simply so he wouldn't give Black the satisfaction, but it cost him everything not to resort to the Muggle way of defending oneself against an assaulter when Black shook him.

"One more word, Snivellus, and I'll break your neck!" spat Black unaware of Severus's attempt to reach his wand which had slipped into the depths of his pocket at the impact. "You sneaking, slithering Death Eater have no right to talk to me like that!" Severus's finger tips touched the handle of his wand and he pulled it up and out of his pocket, gripping it firmly as he stabbed it into Black's ribs.

"Who's breaking whose neck now?" he whispered. "_Sect_–"

But just as he wanted to blast Black off his feet they heard a gasp and a cry of surprise and their heads turned in unison to the door. Remus had come down unnoticed, perhaps attracted by Black's raised voice and was now staring from Severus to Black to the spilled Potion and back to Severus. And suddenly there was something flashing up in his eyes that Severus knew was not Remus.

"What the heck is going on?" he cried and his unusually loud voice echoed off the walls unpleasantly. Neither of them made an answer. They just stared back at him, unmoving. Black still trying to strangle Severus, Severus still with a jinx ready on his tongue. The lack of response didn't please Remus, if anything it only angered him. "Let go of him Sirius!" he ordered and indeed Black dropped his hands and Severus slid down the wall a few inches until he was standing firmly on the floor again. Black stepped back from him with a loathing glare that Severus returned furiously. The mutt fell into a chair and when Remus came closer he gave him a look that was so unlike him that it startled Severus into letting his wand sink to his side. "I suppose this is your fault?" said Remus in a low, dangerous voice, pointing at the mess on the floor and still staring at Black in that fierce way.

Black shrugged and mumbled something about Severus having provoked him, shooting him blaming glances. Remus loomed over him and seemed to be having difficulties controlling himself. "I don't care about your childish rows! This is my Wolfsbane, Sirius, I believe that my Wolfsbane is more important than your injured pride!" Severus felt as if someone else were talking, someone with a harsh, unforgiving voice. And when Remus turned to him he saw to his horror that it was so. Remus's face showed the wolf so vividly as if its snout were sticking out of it. He had never before seen it so clearly. He had never seen Remus let it show.

"I thought you'd know better, Severus," he said quietly and when he met Severus's narrowed eyes he seemed to be coming to his senses. He sighed and his face softened a little, leaving only a shadow of the fierce wolf in his features. "If you would be so kind as to bring me a fresh dose? I know I am asking too much but under the circumstances …"

"I will try my best," replied Severus quietly, still too shocked to feel anything else. He left without another word and without another glance at Black. With great care he managed to sneak back into the castle and out again in less than an hour and this time he knew better than to descend into the kitchen. Instead he walked up the stairs to the first floor and found Remus sitting on the sofa in the library. Severus approached him quietly and when he was only a foot from him Remus spoke without looking up from his hands.

"Why is it that there seems to be a hateful tension between you and Sirius, that can only be relieved by violence?" asked Remus, his voice tired and hoarse. "I am sick of your constant fighting!"

Severus remembered a full moon at Hogwarts when Remus had refrained from touching him, had not even wanted him in the same room for longer than necessary, and now he thought he knew why. Remus must have been afraid to show Severus that wolfish face that he hadn't been able to fight down today. He was afraid now, too, not looking up even when Severus put the new glass phial on the table for him, just like he had put the goblet on the table in Remus's rooms at Hogwarts because the werewolf hadn't wanted to touch him.

"Thank you," muttered Remus when he took the phial and raised it to his lips. He was paler than usual and his hand shook even now, a whole week to the full moon. He gulped the Potion down without the slightest pause and put the phial back down on the table for Severus to take it, seeming rather impatient to be alone again. When Severus took a step towards him he cringed away. "I would like you to leave, Severus," he said very quietly and it made Severus stop in his tracks and irritation erupt in his body.

"And why would you want that?" he snapped coolly, crossing his arms tightly over his chest. Remus made a movement as if he wanted to turn to Severus but thought better of it and stiffened, staring straight ahead. He shook his head.

"I didn't miss the spell you wanted to use on Sirius," he said quietly and it was Severus's turn to stiffen. Dark magic directed at noble Sirius Black just for pinning Severus to a wall, of course Remus wouldn't like that. "How is it that you two cannot just ignore each other? How is it that you want me to take a side? Make a choice?"

"Am I to understand," growled Severus, his voice shaking with suppressed anger, "that it would be a difficult choice to make?"

"No!" said Remus forcefully and this time he did turn and his face was distorted once again. "You are to understand that there shouldn't be such a choice at all! That the two people who mean the most to me should not place me in the situation of choosing one of them!" He stopped and looked away again, passing a hand over his exasperated face. "And it would hurt me if you questioned my feelings for you."

Severus kept silent for a few moments, thinking that Remus had just made his choice and the way Remus buried his face in his hands told him that he was right. And he felt shabby for having forced him to even think about it. He was a Slytherin through and through, and he didn't like to feel bad about that fact.

"So you want me to leave to punish me?" asked Severus and knew he deserved it, but knew as well that it wasn't true.

Remus fidgeted slightly and turned his face so that Severus didn't see it anymore. "I want you to leave because," he started and hesitated, letting a long pause follow his words before he changed his mind, "there is no need to make excuses to you. I want you to leave because I am having a horrible full moon. I mean, look at me, the smallest provocation and I lose the hold on myself. I don't want you to see me like that."

Severus raised a skeptical eyebrow, his suspicions confirmed. "The provocation was not small," he said quietly. "You had all right to lose your temper."

"But I don't lose my temper!" cried Remus, losing his temper yet again. "Not me! That is not me! I have to feel ashamed of it and discipline myself when it happens. I don't want people to look at me like that, just like you looked at me."

"Of course I looked at you like that, because it was the first time that I saw you like that," spat Severus, balling his fists at his sides. "I find it utterly pretentious that you tell me I can show you everything that I am and you hide this from me because you believe it appalls me!"

When Remus only bent his head but made no answer Severus sat down beside him, folding his hands, and looked at his furrowed brow. "Sometimes," said Remus in a slow, heavy voice, "sometimes I just cannot hold it back. When I get into difficult situations I have to make a huge effort to push that wretched thing inside me down."

"I do not believe that a werewolf can keep the wolf at bay at all times," said Severus. "It is not your fault."

"Thank you, Severus, but that isn't very helpful," sighed Remus, putting his hand down on the sofa close to Severus's leg. "That is exactly the reason why I should not burden anyone with myself."

Severus glared at him and cupped his hand with his own, feeling the faint scars underneath his fingers. Remus looked up at him, his eyes startled, his features still not quite his own. "Spare me this pretentious self-loathing! The only thing that's harder to bear than whining students is a whining werewolf …"

Remus had long before noticed that Severus's display of affection was just slightly different from his own, and thus there was no anger or pain visible in his eyes as he gave up his stiff posture and his stern face and leant heavily against Severus, heaving a sigh. "Sorry," he mumbled, his voice sad and quiet. Severus didn't move and didn't speak, just stayed beside Remus who was having such a hard time sitting still that Severus soon thought it must be torture for him. "Please, don't fight Sirius anymore … when all this is over and I have the quiet life I want, with you, I would like to invite him over sometimes and I don't want our house being destructed by your jinxes."

At first Severus was startled out of his scowl, then he pondered the idea of leading an idyllic life with his werewolf after the defeat of the Dark Lord, in his little house in the woods, their house, as Remus had said. His lips quirked into a smile of their own accord and Severus couldn't help but chuckle softly, sincerely, admitting to himself that the prospect was a nice one. Remus raised his head and looked at him in utter bewilderment. Severus shook his head and shrugged.

"If that is your wish, we can just as well duel outside," said Severus in a mocking voice and Remus pulled a face at him. "Did I hear correctly that you said 'our house'?"

"Well," said Remus, cocking his head to one side, "I thought you and I would live together … but if you don't want to that's just fine." Severus saw in his face that it was not fine, and now that he thought about it, it wouldn't be fine with him if Remus declined such an offer. He smirked and got up, taking the empty glass phial and putting it into his pocket.

"We will see," he said quietly and Remus got to his feet as well, taking a small step toward him, clasping his hands. His face was softening gradually and Severus could barely remember now how it had looked when the wolf had surfaced so clearly.

"Maybe … maybe it will be better if you have Fawkes deliver my Potion for the rest of the week," said Remus a little less firmly than he had certainly meant to say it. It sounded almost as if he wanted Severus to contradict him. And since Severus could not deny him anything, he contradicted him.

"No," he said shortly, scowling at weak Remus just to stop him arguing. "Tell Black that next time he crumples my collar, I shall crumple him!" he added on second thought and Remus's disapproving frown did nothing to make him feel guilty. He had plenty of that feeling in his body, but he would never feel it for Black.

"Of course you would bring a wand to a fist fight, Snivellus," said that barking voice from behind him and Severus turned very slowly, his face dark and glowering. Black was walking towards Remus, passing Severus and casting him a dirty look. "Playing unfairly is all you Slytherins are capable of."

"And you would call two on one fair, Sirius?" asked Remus quietly, causing Black to shrug and throw Severus a smug smirk. "Forgive him, Severus," added Remus, giving Severus an apologetic look when Black put an arm round him. It was as though Black knew that it would enrage Severus, as if he had a shrewd idea. Had Severus been a cat he would have bristled. "I will see you tomorrow then, I hope?"

"Yes," growled Severus and felt his spirits fall into the cellar of Grimmauld Place. "But do put a lead around Black's neck, I don't have enough Potion to compensate for another one of his primitive attacks on my person."

Black made to shake his fist at him but Remus pushed him back and rolled his eyes. "I wish I could say I am sure that it won't happen again but the two of you are so hot-headed that I cannot possibly wish to have any control over the situation. You will just have to avoid him. I rely on you, Severus."

That last sentence had a slight edge to it that made it seem more like a reproach than a compliment. Severus left Grimmauld Place in the lowest spirits he had been in in weeks and returned to Hogwarts, scowling and snapping at everyone who crossed his path, taking points for every little thing, even hugging in the corridors was a major offence now. By the end of the day everybody was giving him a wide berth.

The next day, when Severus delivered the Potion, Remus was behaving strangely again. "I have been giving you the feeling that you must brew the Potion for me, haven't I?" he asked and his eyes were upset, his fingers digging into his upper arms as he hugged himself. Severus didn't know what that was supposed to mean and inquired rather harshly which only seemed to upset Remus more. "I mean, what I said to you, how I said it, must have sounded as if I was demanding the Potion, ordering you to make it."

"What is it you are babbling about?" snapped Severus impatiently, holding out the Potion to Remus, shaking it slightly to make him take it. Remus took it and held it in his hands as he replied.

"What I mean is, I don't demand it, I am grateful that you give it to me, but I would never blame you if you didn't make it for me," said Remus very quickly and Severus wrenched the Potion from his hands, opened the flask and forced it to his lips. Remus gripped it and swallowed, wrinkling his nose, until the flask was empty.

"Sometimes I wonder how you come up with such meaningless things all of a sudden," spat Severus, putting the flask back into his robes. "You can demand whatever you like, I only give what I want to give, besides you never even asked for the Potion, I decided to make it for you!"

Remus shook his head, swaying slightly and Severus slowly realised just how horrible this full moon was. "I don't want you to think that I take it for granted, or you," said Remus in a feeble voice. "I don't, and if you wanted me to choose –"

"Stop that!" said Severus firmly, completely taken aback by the absolute change Remus had undergone since yesterday, from fierce and angry to worrying and vulnerable. Severus knew, had he asked a favour of Remus, had he told him to prove his words, to do his bidding, there would have been only very little that Remus wouldn't have done. This Remus was even less like his usual self than the one who had let his anger flash openly over his face. This was the part of Remus that had let his friends torment Severus, that had been scared of telling Severus the truth while teaching at Hogwarts. Severus thought that he liked the werewolf better when all his parts were mixed to one perfect solution instead of splintered and scattered in his own mind to reveal the many different ingredients he was made of.

"Come to your senses," said Severus as Remus lowered his eyes and hung his head. "I do not expect payback, I do not need your explanations. I know you very well, and that you take nothing for granted even after years of possessing it. Maybe you would do well to realise that I don't either. And that I brew you the Potion not because I feel an obligation but because it satisfies me."

Severus could see the restraint in Remus's face when he met his eyes, holding himself back from embracing him. Severus regretted it but said nothing. He knew that in this state Remus simply disliked being touched. He wouldn't force him. No further words were exchanged before Severus left and the following days were rather quiet indeed.

The second cruelty April came up with, though, didn't concern Remus, for on the day after the full moon Severus insisted on visiting him, and was hugged and kissed heartily, being dragged into bed to spend the morning in pleasant silence that was only broken by Remus's sheepish apology for his utterly unorthodox behaviour. Though Severus was slightly overwhelmed by this flood of affection, he felt relieved and all seemed even better than before when he left the little house in the woods for his lessons of the day.

No, punishment number two was the Potter boy's moronic doing. And Severus had to admit in shame that his very own Slytherins had a lot to do with it too. In the middle of the night in the week after the full moon, Severus was wrenched out of his sleep on the sofa by a sharp knock on the door to his lab. He looked around drowsily and when the knock sounded again he groaned and slouched to the door to open it and find an extremely agitated Minerva McGonagall, glaring up at him as if he had stolen the Quidditch Cup from her office.

"May I come in, Severus?" she snarled and didn't wait for an answer but shoved him out of the way and pushed past him. Severus scowled at her and slammed the door shut when the hem of her robe had passed the threshold. She rounded on him and Severus was almost sure that while he had been away he had missed a grave accident of one of his students. But it was much worse.

"Dumbledore is gone," she said and when he gave her a bewildered look she elaborated, "Umbridge busted Potter's secret organisation. One of the girls in his group sold them out and everyone was caught. I might add that Malfoy and his friends helped her apprehend Potter and the others, maybe that will make you proud Severus."

"That remark was unnecessary," growled Severus and sat down on the sofa. "But would you perhaps be so kind as to explain how that concerns me?"

McGonagall sat down on the armchair, still glaring. "The Minister came, accompanied by two Aurors, Kingsley was one of them, they wanted to expel Potter for breaking the rules. So Dumbledore took the blame instead and had to flee. He's gone Severus. And he will not come back as long as the Ministry's still in control of the school. I thought you ought to know."

Severus looked at her silently for a few minutes while the consequences of that occurrence became clear to him: no protection from Dumbledore, all responsibility for Potter lying with Severus, no sneaking out to meet his werewolf. He wanted to strangle Potter. He wanted to hex Umbridge. He wanted to yell at McGonagall. But it wouldn't do. He kept his temper.

"So what now?" he asked quietly, folding his hands. "Any instructions?"

McGonagall raised her eyebrows as if surprised that he even considered her opinion. "Well, there isn't much we can do, Umbridge will be made Headmistress and we just continue best we can. Dumbledore wants you to continue the Occlumency lessons, naturally."

Severus glowered at the empty fireplace. "Naturally," he growled, running his hand over his left forearm. They sat discussing the matter for quite a while longer and when McGonagall left, Severus felt exhausted and depressed. Surely Albus was sitting with Remus and Black right now, sharing the exciting story of his getaway. And the next day didn't improve the situation. Umbridge cornered him and demanded the Veritaserum he wouldn't give her rather harshly. Severus had no energy to delay it any longer and swept to the cupboard in his office where he had stored the fancy bottle filled with water.

"I have it right here for you, Headmistress," he said in his silkiest voice, feeling somewhat guilty for calling her that. But Albus would want him to make her believe he was on her side. "May I ask what you need it for?"

"Well, Snape," she said sweetly as she snatched it out of his hand greedily, "let's just say I shall have a few questions to ask Mr Potter and I want the answers to be truthful."

Severus had suspected something like that. Another thing Potter had to thank him for. "I do understand why you don't trust him," said Severus. "You will only need three drops of the potion to make Potter tell the truth. And as it is a highly valuable potion I would recommend to you to keep to this dose."

She was barely listening, she seemed so focused on the possibility of having her questions answered that she didn't seem to find it necessary to pay attention to what he was saying. "Yes, yes," she said and turned to leave, "thank you, the Ministry is very grateful."

"Always at your service," said Severus, bowing his head slightly and as soon as she had closed the door behind herself a smirk curled his lips. At least he had the satisfaction of making a fool of her. Apparently every other teacher in the castle liked to have that satisfaction too. That became evident when the Weasley twins – though there was no evidence it had been them but Severus knew the handwriting of their pranks – started a rebellion by setting off their Filibuster fireworks all over the castle. As soon as Severus had got wind of the other teachers' conspiracy to have Umbridge remove the fireworks from their classrooms, Severus just waited for the first to reach his dungeon. It took quite a while but in the Gryffindor-Slytherin first-years lesson the Weasleys finally dared try it and a medium sized dragon soared around the walls and over the children's cauldrons. Severus addressed a small Slytherin girl who shrank slightly before him and told her to fetch Umbridge for him, because with a dragon in the dungeon, brewing was highly dangerous.

Severus rather enjoyed watching Umbridge fight with the firework while he was leaning against his desk giving her useful advice on how to deal with wild fireworks. Still, he knew that the situation was much too grave for such jokes. He was in charge now, he couldn't do as he liked anymore. He couldn't see Remus. He felt like a moron thinking that. He felt dependent. He tried to dislike it. He failed. And continued enjoying Umbridge's struggle.

A letter from Remus arrived that very same day, it was opened of course when it entered the castle but even Severus didn't find anything in it that seemed suspicious. Severus didn't even think that Remus had wanted to enclose information in it, it was just a letter written with affection to cheer him up, maybe. It made Severus more melancholy still.

_Dear S._

_I was looking at some pamphlets in Diagon Alley this week and there was one that caught my attention and reminded me of you. Maybe you would like to take a train from platform 7 ½ with me one day, when you and I have some time to ourselves. I enclose the pamphlet so you can take a look, something to improve your mood. Right now the house is full of visitors, it was rather surprising. I hope you are alright. Don't forget your promise, please._

_Very much yours_

_R. _

Though the familiar scrawl was nice and also receiving a letter just because Remus thought he might feel miserable, the pamphlet that was enclosed just made Severus feel even more miserable. While he was looking at all the nice pictures of places he had never been to and a train he had never traveled in he knew it was highly unlikely that he would ever take any trip from platform 7 ½ with Remus. But the thought was nice somehow. Completely sappy and not like him at all. Vacation and a train trip to foreign countries. Severus started wondering if Remus was just mocking him or if he was really making the serious suggestion to do something like that together. But since Remus had already made the suggestion to move in together, it was probable that he was becoming more and more sentimental and was already planning their peaceful life in the woods, with a little lab in the cellar for Severus's brewing, and three spare rooms for Remus's many visitors, Potter, Black and the lot. Severus felt embarrassed that he rather liked that thought. But the possibility of its being realised was so small that it depressed Severus to think about it.

To top it all off, Montague disappeared without a trace during the day and didn't turn up again which forced Severus to write a letter to his parents. A rather unpleasant task since it was answered with a Howler that echoed through the dungeons very painfully. Embarrassing to lose a student. But somehow Severus thought it might have to do with the Weasleys. Umbridge had founded an 'Inquisitorial Squad' and the Slytherins that had joined it were leading a dangerous life. Severus could only hope that Montague would turn up again rather sooner than later.

The last unpleasant event that took place in April was closely related to Remus's request not to forget his promise. Severus knew what promise he meant. That he would try to teach Potter Occlumency. But there were limits to Severus's patience. Remus could never understand that. He was too Gryffindor to understand it. And he was too Gryffindor to understand why Severus called the evening of the day after Umbridge's seizing of power April's revenge. Revenge for stupidity, for it was unnecessary indeed and at least partly Severus's own fault.

It was the evening of another Occlumency lesson and Severus was preparing for it, taking memories out of his mind and dreading the tedious work of the night. He was still withdrawing thoughts when Potter entered his office, later than he ought to and Severus didn't face him when he put his thoughts into the Pensieve. "You're late, Potter," said Severus coldly as he heard the door click shut, already annoyed. When he had stored the last memory in the stone basin he turned. "So. Have you been practising?"

"Yes," said Potter, not looking at Severus and once again Severus found it easy to see through him.

"Well, we'll soon find out, won't we?" said Severus smoothly. "Wand out, Potter."

When Potter moved to face him across the table as usual Severus saw the emotion plain on his face. Anger and anxiety. Severus felt tired of it, of Potter's memories that were so much like his own. He raised his wand and wished it were already over. It was boring him to get the same result every time. To get Potter's ungrateful carelessness. If he didn't worry, how could Severus make him.

"On the count of three then," said Severus lazily, thinking of his bed. "One – two – "

"Professor Snape, sir – oh – sorry –"

Draco Malfoy had just stormed into the office and was now staring from Potter to Severus, surprise clearly visible on his face. Surely it must look quite strange that Severus was pointing his wand at Potter. Severus lowered it.

"It's alright, Draco. Potter is here for some remedial Potions," explained Severus and couldn't blame Draco for the gleeful look on his face. Potter did deserve some mocking.

"I didn't know," said Draco and seemed very happy indeed with the fact that there was something he could spread among his friends and laugh about. Potter's anger was making the boy flush and Severus had enough of the whole situation.

"Well, Draco, what is it?" asked he and Draco turned back to him.

"It's Professor Umbridge, sir – she needs your help," said Draco. "They've found Montague, sir, he's turned up jammed inside a toilet on the fourth floor."

"How did he get there?" asked Severus in some bewilderment.

"I don't know, sir, he's a bit confused," replied Draco.

"Very well, very well," said Severus and indeed he was rather relieved that he had a good excuse not to finish Potter's lesson tonight. "Potter, we shall resume this lesson tomorrow evening."

Severus swept out of his office, followed with some delay by Draco and though he had some feeling of foreboding about leaving Potter alone he couldn't quite lay his finger on the cause. He ascended the stairs to the hospital wing with curious Draco at his heels and when he arrived, Umbridge was already waiting impatiently, demanding what he knew about Montague's disappearance. But Severus was just as oblivious as she. He had no explanation as to how Montague could have vanished and then turned up again in a toilet. The only thing he could contribute was 'Hogwarts does strange things sometimes'. He tried to get some coherent words out of Montague but all the boy said was 'cabinet', 'voices' and 'stuck'. Not very helpful. Severus told Umbridge that he would write to the family and ordered Draco to take the letter to the Owlery and send it. Madam Pomfrey just shooed him away, hissing that she was doing her best when he inquired how long it would take to make Montague come to his senses. Severus heaved an irritated sigh and withdrew from the Hospital Wing, sick of the day and eager to go to bed.

He returned to the dungeons and when he entered his office he only caught on second glance what he indeed counted April's revenge. When he tried to scoop his thoughts out of the Pensieve, he realised that someone had plunged into them. For a moment Severus was rooted to the ground, thunderstruck, and couldn't move for shock. Then rage bubbled up inside him and he bent over the Pensieve to join Potter in whatever memory he was currently sneaking around in. Severus felt the dread mount in his chest as he thought about the many memories which Severus would find absolutely disastrous if they were seen. So many encounters with Remus, the shameful acts he had committed for the Dark Lord, his activities as a spy, and of course … no, Severus didn't even want to think about it. When his feet touched the ground behind Potter he was at first utterly relieved. It was one of the memories from school that could not be interpreted by Potter who didn't know him at all. But then as he watched himself being hoisted into the air, being humiliated and laughed at and tormented, and as he saw Potter watching the scene, most probably even enjoying himself just like his despicable father, he felt so furious that he could barely keep himself from hexing him, injuring him, showing him how it felt to be bullied properly. But then again Potter did know that, didn't he?

"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?"

Severus laid his fingers round Potter's arm, shocking the boy who looked round at him with fearful eyes. _Yes, better be fearful, better regret what you have done. Better be grateful that you didn't dive deeper into my memories._

"Having fun?" asked Severus icily, cold fury pulsing through him. He tugged on Potter's arm and took him upwards and out of the Pensieve so that they were standing side by side in his dark office. But Severus didn't let go. He wouldn't let Potter run away without a few clear warnings. He wouldn't let him leave without hurting him. "So," said Severus and his grip on Potter's arm tightened even further. He didn't have himself under control. He feared his own reaction when he let go. "_So_ … been enjoying yourself, Potter?"

"N-no," said Potter struggling against Severus's grip but he was just a boy, and Severus was not.

Severus felt so angry that he thought he might actually slap Potter this time. This familiar face looking up at him in horror was satisfying and disturbing at the same time. So like his father, so much like him. And yet his gaze was green. Mockingly so. And the memory Potter had witnessed was worse still.

"Amusing man your father, wasn't he?" said Severus and shook the boy, shook him so hard his glasses slipped, so hard he knew he would bruise his arm. He wanted to bruise it. It would remind Potter. Maybe he would realise now what kind of person his saintly father had really been before he had perished like he had deserved it.

"I – didn't –"

Severus threw Potter from him with all his might and the boy fell to the floor, painfully, Severus hoped. The bruises would remind him. "You will not repeat what you saw to anybody!" bellowed Severus and the boy scrambled to his feet very far away from Severus.

"No," he said. "No, of course I w–"

Severus lost his temper now, because he knew that Potter knew how it felt, he didn't want Potter to know that he had been like that as a child. Losing to Potter and Black, nothing to Remus, laughing stock for the whole school, even to _her_. Nothing to her anymore, either, after that day. "Get out, get out, I don't want to see you in this office ever again!"

Potter hurtled to the door and Severus threw his wand over his shoulder, making a jar fly at the fleeing boy. It exploded just over Potter's head and he hurried to wrench open the door and slam it shut again behind him, his running steps growing fainter beyond the door. Severus remained panting slightly, fury still boiling his blood, alone in his cold office and alone with his chaotic thoughts. He sank against the wall and his breathing slowed, his anger subsided, but his humiliation grew. He was feeling dreadful. He had not only broken his promise, he had also disappointed Albus's trust. But he could not have Potter close by now. He could no longer pretend to care what happened to his mind. He never wanted to look into his eyes again. Or risk that he looked into his memories. This had been all he could do. He had no energy to try again. No will to try again. The only thing that could comfort him was that he knew that Potter wouldn't tell anyone about what he had seen. Righteous Gryffindor. At least one thing you could rely on in Gryffindors. And all he was wondering about now was how to tell Remus what had happened.

He was torn for a moment between staying and leaving. Between his cold bed and Remus. The decision wasn't a hard one. He knew he shouldn't, but that couldn't hold him back from sneaking out once again, just to have something to distract him. He would go to Remus, wake him, tell him, be understood. Or not. When he had crept to the side of Remus's bed, making no noise and waking not a rat in Grimmauld Place, he was standing at Remus's bed and couldn't wake him, tell him, be understood. He couldn't burden Remus with his responsibilities, and he didn't want to see the self-loathing in his eyes again upon hearing about the memory Potter had intruded on. Instead he just sank to his knees and looked at Remus's sleeping face, looking for all the differences between him and the boy who had been too cowardly to stand up to his friends. And when he slipped into dreams, his head drooping on the edge of Remus's bed, he didn't even notice, for his dreams were similar to what his eyes had observed before sleep engulfed him.


	26. Sanctuary

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT, implied Blotts/Flourish

Author Notes: Happy Birthday, Remus and everybody else whose birthday it is today :D. This chapter is about another one of Severus's mistakes, an unusual friendship and a tedious job. Everybody is curious about the aftermath ... well, what do you think Severus will do? And did Remus talk to him after Harry's reckless fireplace talk? Thanks for reading and reviewing, I appreciate it very much!

Kiraling: Thank you :) I'm glad you liked the kitchen scene, it was really an experiment, and I agree with you, I understand Sirius too, after all that has happened to him ... Ah, I cannot talk about it quite yet, but you will find out next chapter what Sirius knows and later you will see who definitely knows something ;). When I wrote the bit about the living together and the journey they want to take I felt somewhat gloomy, because I know what will happen to them. But I wanted them to look forward to it :).

Resevius: I was worried about that chapter because it was actually three separate stories in one, and such a significant moment as the Pensieve scene :). I'm relieved that it seems to have been alright. I have a little surprise, concerning Sirius's knowledge. But next chapter you will already know more.

soniakay: Thank you so much for the compliment :). I felt the same way about the letter and I'm glad that I could transfer it to you.

Emily-pino: Wow, I'm happy that you liked this chapter, especially because I was a little unsure of its quality ^^. The part with Remus's wolfish side was important to me, since we see it in DH for the first time as if out of nowhere, never even mentioned before, and I thought about that a lot ... I thought it deserved an explanation why we had never seen it before.

**Sanctuary**

When Severus opened his eyes he was greeted by two golden orbs, smiling like they never smiled at anyone but him. He started a little when he realised it was already light and he had fallen asleep, had already spent too much time away from the castle again while Albus was not there. Remus's fingers brushed against his cheek and he locked eyes with him, forgetting his concerns. Forgetting why he had come here in the first place.

"You could just have come to bed, you know?" said Remus's husky voice. Severus averted his eyes and got to his feet, his body stiff and aching from sleeping in a sitting position, leaning against the wooden bed. "Was there any reason why you came here last night?"

Severus's eyes shot up to meet Remus's again and he straightened his back defiantly, crossing his arms. "Can't I just come here to see you?" he said coolly, making Remus smile and sit up. He saw right through him as usual, and though that would have been a good thing in any other situation, now it was simply driving Severus into a corner.

"I would like to say yes, but I know you," said Remus, holding up an apologetic hand. "You do not come here without a good enough reason to risk meeting Sirius. Or indeed, being found by Sirius while kneeling beside my bed, sleeping. The door isn't locked, you see?" He indicated the door of his bedroom and Severus looked over his shoulder to make sure it was still closed. "So, what brings you here? Has anything happened? Anything you need to talk about?"

Yes, Severus wanted to say but he couldn't. Not even to Remus. He would tell no one. And Potter couldn't, wouldn't either. But just telling Remus that there was nothing wouldn't help, Remus wouldn't accept it. So Severus paced a little, thinking about how much he could tell without giving too much away. When he turned to Remus again he was careful not to get too close to him. From so far away not even Remus could see anything in his eyes.

"Last night," he started slowly, telling himself that this was not lying, just omission, "Potter plunged into my thoughts again."

Remus sat up straighter. "Is he making progress, then?" he asked. The first thing on his mind. Wonderful.

"I wouldn't call it that. I was inattentive. I must admit I was already too tired," said Severus to get Remus's hopes down again. He didn't want Remus to get too angry when he discovered the truth. That Potter would not get the chance to make progress anymore. "The Dark Lord is never tired. What I wanted to talk about was Potter's unending impertinence to look into my thoughts and unbury things that no one is to see!" Severus's fury was back and he felt himself flush as he balled his fists tightly, remembering how he had thrown Potter to the floor.

Remus considered him with tranquil eyes. So tranquil indeed that they calmed Severus slowly. "Well, you look into his memories too, Severus," he said reasonably but of course he didn't know that Potter had thrown himself head first into Severus's Pensieve while alone with it, like the sneaky little boy he was. "Surely he didn't see anything that was absolutely taboo?"

Severus averted his eyes for a moment, then rolled them and let his head fall back to look at the ceiling. "He could just as well have happened to see something that neither you nor I would have liked him to see," he said quietly to make Remus feel emotionally involved. It was not just Remus of course, who would have turned up in the following memories. Most of all it would have been Severus whom Potter would have despised even more, or even pitied and understood. Severus didn't want to be understood. He didn't want Potter to know what they had in common, he didn't want him to start feeling with him. It would be wrong and painful to see that the boy actually related to him, unaware of who was at fault for his mother's death. Oh, yes, his father's too.

"Did he see a memory concerning me?" asked Remus tentatively but less worried than Severus would have expected him to be. Severus scowled at him. The truth.

"Yes," said he and when Remus raised his eyebrows Severus continued, "nothing recent. A memory from school."

"Oh," said Remus and seemed to realise in an instant what Severus was talking about. "I see. I'm sorry."

Severus waved his hand dismissively and paced again. "It could have been worse but … it is … that boy is … it is unforgivable," he said incoherently while walking from the sofa to the bed and back again. He felt Remus's eyes following him and dreaded the moment when he would be asked what consequences Potter's impertinence would have. But Remus didn't ask. When he spoke, his voice was mild and soothing and Severus thought he wanted to distract him instead of penetrating further into the matter.

"I am sure Harry will not tell it to anyone," he said and sighed. "So Umbridge has taken control?"

Severus snorted, his anger ebbing away. "Well, I wouldn't call it control but yes, she is now Headmistress. Only that Dumbledore's office won't let her in. Even the castle is rebellious."

Remus smiled and looked thoughtful for a moment, considering Severus carefully with his calm amber eyes. Steps could be heard outside, descending the stairs, passing over the landing, descending the next flight of stairs. Remus cleared his throat and waved his hand as if trying to snatch the right words out of the air.

"I was thinking about telling Sirius," he said quietly, stopping Severus in his tracks. "About us," he added when Severus gave him a confused look which immediately changed into a shocked stare. "I mean … he is my friend and when I talk to him I always have the feeling that I am concealing the most important thing in my life from him, I can't say I feel comfortable with that situation."

Severus stared at him some more before he decided that he needed to confirm that Remus had meant what he had understood. "You want to tell Black, who hates me more than anyone, that you, whom he counts his best friend, have a romantic relationship with me, whom, I repeat, he loathes powerfully?"

"Yes," said Remus simply and Severus went back to staring.

"Why?" he demanded and Remus raised his eyebrows.

He cocked his head to one side. "He is my friend. It feels wrong to keep it from him."

"And what do you expect him to do when you tell him?" asked Severus with a slight edge to his voice. "Don't you think he will try to exorcise you?"

"I think that he won't be pleased, but he will accept it," said Remus slowly. "It would be better, if I told him, instead of risking that he finds out by accident and tries to curse you and stops speaking to me. I'd feel better if he knew. Once this war is over, he will have to know anyway. He's my friend, Severus."

"Yes, and of course you wouldn't want him to be surprised when he visits you in _our_ house and notices that we share a bedroom," said Severus sarcastically, "or to enquire after your mental health when he accompanies you to King's Cross from where you and I take a train to France."

Remus's face darkened slightly and Severus knew he had given him a false impression. "Yes, you're right, I would like to step out of our secrecy one day and I'd like those close to us to know about us. Of course that is only relevant if you have the same wish. If you do not plan to continue our relationship after the war –"

"Don't!" snapped Severus and Remus fell silent, his eyes still rather dark. "That is not what I mean. You are planning lives that you don't even know to survive to that point."

Remus's eyes widened for a moment and he lowered them, a slight crease between his eyebrows. "Sorry," said he quietly, clasping his hands, "I like to believe that everything goes well. If that makes you uncomfortable, I apologise."

Severus rolled his eyes and heaved a sigh. "If you insist on telling Black, then do so, but warn me beforehand so I am prepared for his attempts to murder me," he drawled and a small chuckle escaped Remus's lips. "And if you really want this snarky Death Eater in your house he will of course take advantage of you like a true Slytherin. And he will build a laboratory in your cellar."

Remus laughed and nodded enthusiastically, reaching out a hand to Severus who reacted automatically, walking towards him to take it. "You can build whatever you like. Maybe I won't tell Sirius just yet, there's still time. He has enough on his mind already. He didn't take it well that you told him you know Harry better than he does, especially because he hasn't seen him in months … perhaps it is the wrong moment to tell him that I am yours."

Severus looked out of the window, scowling his blush away. And his bad conscience. No, he wouldn't feel guilty for throwing Potter out, nobody could expect him to simply overlook Potter's behaviour. But now he started worrying about Remus's reaction once he learned the truth.

"Have you … have you told anyone?" asked Remus quietly and Severus gave him a bewildered look before he realised what he meant.

"No!" he said a little too quickly and when Remus lifted an eyebrow he hurried to add, "I mean, whom should I tell it to? Lucius, perhaps? Surely not."

"Of course not," agreed Remus with a reassured smile. "I'm sorry."

"Again?" asked Severus, slumping down on the bed beside the werewolf, suddenly realising that he should be at Hogwarts, having a bad time. Instead of being here, having a good time with Remus rubbing pleasant circles on his back. "No calls for weeks," mumbled Severus and felt Remus's eyes on the back of his head. "That is no good sign."

"Why?" asked Remus softly. "What does it mean?"

"It means that he is pleased with me, which means Albus has no reason to be pleased with me," replied Severus and let Remus lay his warm arms around him and pull him against his chest. Severus thought it was becoming harder and harder to make the decision to leave. For more than one reason. "Oh, no," said Severus suddenly and Remus put his cheek to his.

"What?"

"Careers Advice," groaned Severus, thinking with dread of the awkward annual procedure of advising his students on their choice of profession. "I didn't prepare at all. I wonder why life loathes me so."

Remus chuckled and tightened his arms around him. "At least I love you," he smiled against Severus's cheek. Severus tried to scowl his blush away once again. This time he failed. But Remus didn't see it. He was currently burying his face in the crook of Severus's neck, sighing his hot breath over Severus's skin.

"At least …" Severus grumbled, crossing his arms and closing his eyes. He wondered if Remus was waiting for a reply. One that would have been worthy of what he had said. It had obviously made him stiffen to think about the usual problem, for Remus shook him slightly and kissed his neck.

"Why don't you relax a bit, Severus," said Remus quietly and squeezed him. "You have holidays, right? Why don't you stay here for a while, with me? I'll lock the door, too."

Severus groaned again, making to get up, then he changed his mind and sank back down again, accepting the offer thankfully. He didn't care about Hogwarts now. He would get back there soon enough. He heard the lock click when one of Remus's arms pointed his wand towards it and then returned to Severus's chest. The morning was a wonderful relief after all.

When Severus returned to Hogwarts he spent the whole day preparing Careers Advice and the next day too and the day after that. Enjoyable holidays. And just when he thought he could rest a while there came Lucius's owl to his window and he got up from the sofa with a groan, unwilling to deal with Lucius now. He opened the window and the haughty owl dropped the letter to his feet, already turning around to fly back to Malfoy Manor. Severus glared after it and picked the letter up, swearing under his breath.

The flourishing writing on it was so different from Remus's untidy scrawl that Severus found it immediately repulsing. He pulled the letter out of the envelope and shook it to unfold it. A meeting. Nothing more. _Visit us at Malfoy Manor, my friend_. Friend. Severus looked at the ceiling with a sigh. He wondered what Lucius wanted this time. Excusing himself from the castle seemed reasonable, after all Severus could tell Umbridge that he was going to visit Lucius, of whom she approved and to whom she would let him go. So he requested permission to leave the castle, and hoped she hadn't noticed that he had already left it many times before. She consented with one of her wide toad smiles and he went as soon as he could.

Even Malfoy Manor seemed better than Hogwarts now. Narcissa welcomed him, looking slightly worried and showed him into Lucius's office where her husband was already pacing impatiently. He looked round and gave Severus a half reproachful, half relieved look. "Finally!" he exclaimed and beckoned Severus closer when Narcissa closed the door to leave them alone. "Sit down, Severus, sit down!"

Severus sat and folded his hands on his crossed legs. "So," he said slowly, "why did you want to see me, eye to eye?"

Lucius tried to keep a straight face at first. "Oh, Severus, you always suspect the worst in people, maybe I just wanted to see a friend and inquire after his health and how my son is doing at school …"

Severus raised an eyebrow. "I am sure that Draco keeps you informed about all his latest achievements. His capturing Potter, joining the Inquisitorial Squad, becoming Umbridge's favourite. Now I could tell you that his marks could be better and that I cannot help him get an Outstanding in his Potions OWL, because I won't be grading him. Oh, and apparently his achievements at Transfiguration are only average. I see in your face that it is of no interest to you."

Lucius was scowling at him. "All right," he drawled, "all right, I wanted to see you about a confidential matter." He paused and resumed his pacing, clasping his hands behind his back, his jaw set. When he stopped he turned to face Severus again. "Severus, you stand in good esteem with the Dark Lord. You are in his favour."

Severus gave him a suspicious look, leaning forward. "And what are you intending to imply?" asked he and Lucius waved his hand impatiently.

"Well, you could … talk to him," he said urgently. "You could try to convince him …"

"What do you mean?" asked Severus, still more suspiciously. "What is it you want me to talk to him about?"

Lucius seemed to be struggling with the right words for a moment and it took him some time to force himself to speak. "The Dark Lord has destined me to take the prophecy for him. You know of his plans Severus, he wants the Potter boy to fetch it and he wants me to take it from him, which means that I have to enter the Department of Mysteries as a Death Eater. You know how dangerous that is, do you not, Severus? You know that I could be discovered and arrested."

"You are not going alone?" asked Severus, still wondering what Lucius wanted from him.

"No, no, Bellatrix and a few others will come along, I am sure, but it will be decided spontaneously, depending on when the Dark Lord succeeds in luring Potter there. Still, I am responsible, if I fail the Dark Lord will punish me and if I am caught I will lose my reputation forever. I will go to Azkaban!"

"So, what is it you want me to do?" demanded Severus impatiently but he didn't need the answer. He knew what Lucius wanted to ask from him. Something Severus couldn't give.

"You could try and convince him not to send me there!" said Lucius almost pleadingly. "You could tell him that I am too valuable, or not worthy of the task because I failed at the last already … what?" he asked when Severus held up his hand to stop him.

Severus looked at him calmly, thinking about how to put what he wanted to say without offending Lucius. "And you think the Dark Lord would not see through that arrangement?" he asked quietly. "You think he wouldn't do the exact opposite of what I ask of him because he knows I only ask it for your sake? You would run the risk of your wife and son being sent along with you as punishment?"

Lucius stared at him for a moment, biting his pale lip. Then he was pacing again only to whirl round at Severus and brandish his finger at him. "You can think of something, Severus, you've always been the clever one, you could come up with a possibility to spare me this task!"

"I recommend you do what the Dark Lord wishes you to do," replied Severus softly. "He gives you a second chance and I once knew a Lucius Malfoy who would have greedily seized it without a second thought."

"Times have changed, Severus," hissed Lucius, balling his fists. "Nowadays I cannot risk being arrested or worse … my family … Dumbledore is out there, on the watch! The Dark Lord cannot demand such a sacrifice! He has enough unimportant Death Eaters to send there, or escaped convicts, why would he waste me?"

"Do not complain, Lucius, that the Dark Lord trusts you," drawled Severus, bored by Lucius's whining. "You knew what you were signing up for."

Severus had rarely seen Lucius flush in anger but he did now, firing up. "What do _you_ know, Severus?" he cried furiously. "You have no family, no wife, waiting for you at home, fearing that you won't return! You have no son who will pay for your mistakes if you fail! You have no obligations and no responsibilities for anyone, you have never had any. There's no one you love and no one who loves you, and there never was! You have never been in my situation, so how dare you patronise me?"

Severus stared at him as if he had been slapped. Lucius's pale face relaxed slightly after his outbreak but the anger was still visible in his pointed features, his eyes colder even than usual. "You have no idea how it is when there's someone you have to return to," muttered Lucius, turning away.

_Yes, I have_, thought Severus and felt upset that he couldn't say it. He was angry that he was denying Remus once again and that he could not retort anything to Lucius. Severus, of course, was superior to Lucius because he was not in danger of being arrested or punished, his position in Dumbledore's proximity was too valuable, the one in Potter's mind even more so, that the Dark Lord would not throw it away. Whereas Lucius had already failed once and could either rehabilitate himself or fail and be punished. The chance of being punished was bigger, Severus had to admit, and since Severus did know how it was when someone waited for you, and loved it, he felt sympathetic to hear ruthless Lucius talk like that of his family, not fearing for himself but for those he loved.

"Forgive me," said he stiffly, knowing that he had been wrong and not taken into account Lucius's situation for which he had envied him so much. "Of course I understand your woes, and if I could help you, I would."

Severus could stay no longer, it felt as if some invisible power were pulling him out of Lucius's pompous office and through his nicely adorned fireplace to Spinner's End and from there to Grimmauld Place. The further he walked up the creaking stairs of the gloomy house, the stronger became the physical pain Severus was feeling, an aching that he had been feeling ever since he had bitten his tongue in Lucius's office.

Severus knocked on Remus's door, three times as usual, and he waited in impatient anticipation when he heard Remus's muffled footsteps on the floorboards of his bedroom, approaching the door in his usual slow pace. Severus's hands started trembling as his tension grew, as every step Remus took seemed to be divided by hours from the next. He couldn't remember the bedroom to have been so big when he had last visited it only days ago. When the lock clicked and the door was finally creaking open it took a decade until Severus could lay eyes on Remus's face, golden eyes shining up at him through the darkness, and Severus didn't wait to be allowed in, he pushed Remus back inside, kicking the door shut, and pressed their lips together so firmly that Remus had no chance to fight him. But then again he wouldn't, and Severus took advantage of it, pressing Remus against a bed post. He pulled back and looked down at him and scowled slightly when Remus's eyes opened and considered him in surprise.

"Why, Severus, I don't know you like that at all," he said quietly, his smile audible in his voice. "What has happened?"

"You took your time to open the door," muttered Severus irritably, though he wasn't sure if it had only been his imagination. Remus smiled, amused.

"I wasn't in a hurry," said Remus who, indeed, never seemed to be in a hurry. Severus knew it was an artifact of his years in loneliness during which he had started and made a habit of wasting away time.

"Well, I was," whispered Severus, bending his head until their lips almost touched again. Remus chuckled.

"So would I have been, had I known what was awaiting me," he replied softly and kissed Severus sweetly. But Severus was too impatient to endure such tender sweetness, he turned it into passion and enjoyed the way Remus chuckled into their kiss. He let Severus lower him onto the bed without complaining, enjoying Severus's unusual initiative – and when next Remus sat up to light the candle on his bedside table, his body was warmer even than usual and Severus's long fingers were tracing his damp spine. He stretched with a pleased sigh and looked over his shoulder at Severus who did not notice his stern expression before Remus mentioned it.

"Why are you scowling again?" he asked quietly and Severus looked into his eyes, his hand still on Remus's back. Remus smiled but his brow creased. "Disappointed?"

"No," said Severus dismissively, painting circles on Remus's skin. "I needed a reminder that … that I have you."

Remus's smile widened and he turned to lay down beside Severus and rest his head on his shoulder. "You forgot me?" he teased, nuzzling Severus's neck. "What blurred your memory?"

"Lucius," said Severus quietly. "He asked me to get him out of a difficult situation because he worries about his family and I told him to stop complaining. And he told me that there was no one I had to return to, that there was no one who loved me, or …" Severus stopped there and shook his head, glaring at the fireplace. He became aware of the fact that he was the only person who knew of his feelings for Remus. Remus claimed to know them but he only speculated. He might be sure, but without hearing it he could never actually be certain of it. Whereas Severus knew that Remus loved him, even without Remus's hoarse voice saying it.

"But _I_ love you," replied Remus, caressing Severus's chest with gentle fingers. "You need to return to _me_."

"I know," said Severus, looking pointedly away from him, "but I couldn't tell him so, could I? And as far as he knows, I never had anyone like you. I cannot even blame him for saying it."

"As long as you and I know, everything is fine, isn't it?" said Remus, smiling against his skin. "I know you are there when I need you and you know that I am worrying about you and that I am here when you feel the need to see me …"

Severus sighed. As long as they knew … but Remus didn't know. Severus wondered, if he died tomorrow, who would remember that Severus Snape requited a love that he didn't deserve? Who would know that there was more to him than the grumpy, cold, cruel Death Eater? Only Albus, but not in this case, only in another that Severus had messed up. It would be no different this time. And no one, not even Remus, would know, know without a doubt, that Severus … and when Remus fell asleep, his arm draped round Severus's waist in that affectionately possessive manner, Severus was relieved that once again he hadn't been asked to say it.

The rest of the holidays were spent at Hogwarts and when Monday came, Severus was reminded painfully of Potter's impertinent trespassing. He ignored the boy all through the Potions lesson, trying not to look into his eyes or, indeed, to admit that he knew of his existence. Unfortunately Potter was performing better than usual – perhaps because Severus was leaving him alone – and his Invigorating Draught reached a quality that, had Severus not been his teacher, would have been marked A or higher. Severus was his teacher, though, and when Potter handed in his potion and turned away from Severus's desk, Severus glanced at Granger who was emptying Potter's cauldron and tossed the phial over the edge of his desk to the floor where it smashed and left Potter without replacement.

"Whoops," said Severus with a cruel smirk when Potter whirled round to give him a scandalised look and Draco started laughing. If Potter thought that he was unfairly treated with this payback then he didn't know just how unusually merciful Severus was being. "Another zero, then, Potter."

Severus quite enjoyed how Potter stormed back to his cauldron only to find it empty, and how angrily he hurried out of the classroom. It was an eventful day that followed this lesson. McGonagall came into the staff room, fuming with rage, telling everyone who wanted to listen what had happened during Potter's Careers Advice. Umbridge sitting behind her in her office, Potter wanting to be an Auror, McGonagall advising him how he could manage that much too high aim and Umbridge contradicting, of course that situation could only end in a catastrophe. Two shrieking women in such a small room, Severus was glad he hadn't walked in on them.

But the highlight of the day was definitely Fred and George Weasley's escape from Hogwarts that was announced by loud pranks and concluded by a spectacular flight on brooms, with a shouted order to Peeves to give Umbridge hell, which, Severus was sure, he would gladly carry out. Only Potter's sudden appearance at the top of the marble stairs had Severus worrying a little. And he was right to worry.

All Tuesday he was imprisoned in his office with the fifth-years who received their Careers Advice. Draco came around midday and was a little unwilling to choose a profession.

"What for, sir?" he asked haughtily. "Father is rich and influential enough, if I ever want to work then he will enable me to, I don't need good marks or anything …"

Severus sighed and folded his hands on the table. "You should not rely on other people to help you," he said seriously. "Maybe your father will not always be there, maybe times will change and his influence will waver, and then you will be without good marks and a proper education. Why don't you try to choose one of these careers, maybe as an alternative plan for your future? Only fools have no alternative plans."

Severus knew that Draco didn't want to be a fool, and thus the boy scowled slightly and grabbed the pamphlets on Severus's desk to look at them. He chose a Ministry of Magic career in the Department of International Magical Co-operation. Severus nodded approvingly and was relieved that Draco was easier to handle than Crabbe and Goyle who were unlikely to pass any OWLs at all.

Of course Severus knew that it was only a matter of time before he would hear from Remus again but he had to admit that he hadn't been expecting him so soon, on Tuesday evening. He thought he was right in thinking that Potter was behind it and Remus confirmed it as he stepped through Severus's fireplace, recklessly and angrily. His amber eyes were almost as fierce as those his father had scrutinised Severus with. Severus considered him cautiously, letting his book sink to his knees. Remus did not waste his breath on a greeting but got immediately to the point.

"You've stopped giving Harry Occlumency lessons?" he said, his voice low and reproachful. Severus put his book away and got up, knowing that he had to face Remus's anger and deflate it.

"Yes," he said simply, feeling that too many words would only irritate Remus. But just one word was obviously too little.

"Would you be so kind as to explain yourself?" demanded Remus in a harsher voice than Severus liked. It was an unpleasant situation and it made Severus regret that he hadn't told Remus himself what had really happened. Instead Potter had somehow given him an explanation of his own.

"I am sure Potter has done something reckless to inform you of it," said Severus evasively, crossing his arms. "There should be no need to explain."

"I demand an explanation," replied Remus, seemingly restraining himself from raising his voice. "You cannot just stop his lessons, especially not without telling anyone! I told Harry I would talk some sense into you –"

"I do not believe that Potter bequeathed you to do that!" Severus shot at him, now angry too. "He enjoyed his lessons as little as I did, and he never made the slightest effort to improve his Occlumency, he would never have learned anything from me! There was no point in continuing to teach him!"

Of course Severus knew that Remus was not angry only because Severus had thrown Potter out, but because Severus had not told him the truth when visiting. Remus's nostrils flared in his attempt to calm himself down with a few deep breaths. "Severus," he said slowly, "you can't just leave Harry to himself. During those lessons you at least had some control over his mind."

"What use is that? The boy doesn't even try to close his mind to the Dark Lord, I cannot prevent whatever he is trying to do, and more than I have already done, I cannot achieve! I'm glad to be rid of this task that I cannot live up to," said Severus irritably. "And whatever you will say cannot convince me to continue his lessons! After what he has done I will not tolerate him in my personal space anymore!"

Remus glared at him for a moment, then he seemed to give up and let his face slip back into its usual worry, letting himself fall into Severus's armchair. He sighed heavily and shook his head in resignation. "Oh, Severus, why didn't you just tell me about it?"

"I did," said Severus, sitting down, "just not everything."

"Did you really think that I wouldn't come and tell you off as soon as I knew the truth?" asked Remus wearily. "Or was it that you didn't want to tell me which memory it was exactly that Harry saw?"

Severus averted his eyes and glowered out of the window. Why couldn't Remus be grateful for the fact that Severus hadn't wanted to upset him? Probably because he was even more upset now. "I've warned Albus from the start!" he muttered. "I told him it wouldn't work. And now he's gone and the Dark Lord is on the move!"

"Please, Severus, think about it again," said Remus urgently. "Without you Harry won't learn Occlumency."

"I have taught him all the basics, if he wanted to, if he weren't such a lazy, careless brat, he could do it on his own," snapped Severus and earned himself a disapproving look. "He won't do anything I tell him, it is a relief to the both of us that we don't have to endure each other anymore. No matter how long I would have continued, he would never have mastered Occlumency. And he doesn't listen to any of you, or Dumbledore, either, so I don't know why you would be so upset."

Severus found himself quite reasonable, but it wasn't a Gryffindor strength to be reasonable. "I still can't believe that you just threw him out and didn't even tell Albus, or me, that you would not teach him anymore …" said Remus and Severus rolled his eyes. Remus gave up all pretence. "You came to me twice after that incident, Severus … Why didn't you tell me the whole story? Is it because you still begrudge me my cowardice?"

Severus heaved a sigh. There, he had upset him, and once again they were having an uncomfortable conversation. Severus wanted to go back a few days, to the moment when Remus had opened the door of his bedroom. "I hold no grudge against you," he grumbled and saw Remus's worried features relaxing. "That question is exactly why I didn't tell you … and because I didn't want you to 'tell me off'. We are on different sides again."

Remus cocked his head to one side and narrowed his eyes. "I am always on your side, Severus," he said matter-of-factly. "But allow me to be worried, and to tell you my opinion. I want to help you with your responsibility."

Severus looked at him for a long time before he spoke again. "All you can do to help me is get up from there and come over here like you wanted to all the time," he said, making Remus smile. "I hope you can reconcile it with your Gryffindor conscience if we leave this whole Potter issue behind and move on to more pleasant things. Now that you have come here, running the risk of our being exposed."

Remus chuckled hoarsely and took his usual place to Severus's left on the sofa, curling his arm round Severus's, laying his hand into his. "Feels almost like it used to," said Remus quietly, and his hair brushed Severus's skin as his head sank down on Severus's shoulder. "You know, I will always stand up for you, Severus. I will not stand by while you're being treated unfairly," whispered Remus, squeezing Severus's hand.

"I know," said Severus stiffly and couldn't thank Remus, couldn't admit how much it meant to him.


	27. Gone Wrong

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling (including the dialogue taken from OotP).

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: Hello again, three chapters to go now. A few words on this chapter: We'll see a famous scene with McGonagall and we will get a glimpse of Remus's Patronus. I thought about it very thoroughly and here is what I imagine for him and it has a reason which I will not tell you just yet ;) Of course you can have a completely different idea what Remus's Patronus looks like, but since we don't know, I had to think about the matter and this is what I wanted Remus to have as a Patronus.

Another thing: I always found JK's timing a little strange when she sent the children to the DoM, which must have taken hours, and the Order arrived much too late, actually. So I don't know if Sev reacted too late or if the Order took too long to get to the Ministry, but well ...

**Next Update: 30th March.**

Smurny: Thank you so much :) glad you reviewed again. Lucius will turn up again, and I have grown rather fond of their strange friendship. I fear Severus will leave himself a bit more time before he says I love you. He says it without words though ;).

Kiraling: Ooooh, did you look into my mind? You know, this Lucius and Severus dynamic should be watched ;). But of course Lucius will go to jail tonight. I will update again next week, so much sooner than I did now, and I still have a surprise waiting concerning Remus telling Sirius, but not until after the last chapter of OotP ;).

Resevius: Alas, no Order meetings with Sirius knowing, but one moment at the very end. I did this on purpose, but I agree with you on this 'in the shadows relationship'. Severus will think about it too, it's just that he hasn't got anyone at the moment whom he can talk to ... but he will, very soon, with more than one friend. Remus has already and will do it again, but not just yet. And yeah, the Malfoys/Severus relationship has become somewhat important to me. Glad you liked the aftermath. I thought about Remus talking to Severus as he announced he would and found it interesting that in the books we didn't see any reaction whatsoever from Severus. Really, Remus knows Severus and Harry, and I always thought that Harry went too far. At least he never told anyone.

**Gone Wrong**

Over the next days and weeks the dungeons were the safest place to be. The Weasley twins had left a swamp in the castle that could only be crossed by boat, the corridors were constantly filled with some stinking fog or other and students were playing all kinds of pranks while Peeves was running wild. Severus was busy looking after his own house members in the hospital wing, most of them members of Umbridge's Inquisitorial Squad, cursed and jinxed and hexed, antlers on their heads, their skin turning rather unpleasant to behold, some sprouting hair all over their bodies or talking complete nonsense without noticing it. It was tiring. The only thing that he was spared was the mysterious virus that seemed to make students drop sick as soon as Umbridge entered her classroom. She had no control over them but in Severus's classes there had never been so much as a runny nose, maybe some first-years fainted sometimes but that was just his creepy aura. Severus liked to stay in his quarters, even though the many news about Umbridge's dismay amused him, he particularly liked the idea of the old hag being attacked by a Niffler or harassed by Peeves.

His amusement left him when Montague's parents visited the castle, angry and unpleasant as they demanded from Severus what had happened, how it could have happened and why he hadn't done anything about it. Severus assured them that Madam Pomfrey was doing her best for their son's recovery and avoided their unfair questions. He could not have an eye on every student twenty-four hours a day, especially when he was seventeen. When Severus was finally relieved of the angry parents by Madam Pomfrey he went up to the Owlery to write a letter to Remus, to bring him up to date with what was going on at Hogwarts, just so he would receive an answer. After Remus's last visit Severus had not dared to allow him to enter the castle, Umbridge had asked him who had visited and he had lied, saying he had forgotten something at the Malfoys' that had been brought to him by Lucius. He knew that Umbridge didn't quite believe him but couldn't prove him wrong, either.

The only thing that could have made Severus's time even worse was Slytherin's narrow defeat in the Quidditch game against Hufflepuff, probably due to Montague's absence. Sprout was lucky that she was no bragger. Quidditch Cup for Gryffindor again this year, thought Severus for he was sure that Gryffindor would, as usual, spoil his mood in the last game of the season just for the fun of it. And of course he was right. Ron Weasley had suddenly changed completely and saved every single Quaffle after having let in the first. In the end the song Draco had written was sung by the Gryffindors with slightly varied lyrics and Severus had to congratulate McGonagall a second time, rather stiffly and in a mood that could only be matched by Umbridge's.

Remus pitied him obediently in his letter and as June came Severus felt too tired to worry about anything anymore, feeling rather confident that the Dark Lord would, after all, not try luring Potter into the Department of Mysteries before the holidays. He even caught himself hoping that the boy had managed Occlumency, after all, when Lucius told him that it was now only a matter of days until the Dark Lord's first attempt. Thus Severus decided to ignore Potter, even though he informed Albus about his conversations with Lucius, and the Dark Lord's plans, by Patronus, so he wouldn't have to face him. One telling-off was enough. Remus came to Hogsmeade again for his Wolfsbane in June, having been away again in May and therefore unable to take it. Severus visited him in the Hog's Head and for the first time in weeks he smiled again when Remus beamed radiantly at him, pulling him upstairs into the room Aberforth had provided.

"I met the werewolf I told you about," said Remus happily, opening the windows. "He's doing well, he said that he's keeping away from the packs and that he's got a job in a little shop somewhere in Bristol. I am happy for him. I was worried he wouldn't make it."

"Good," said Severus as Remus sat down on the window sill and the warm breeze ruffled his hair. "He was lucky to meet you."

"Oh," said Remus, waving a hand modestly, "I just happened to be there and give him a nudge in the right direction. It was nice, talking to him, exchanging experiences. I am glad that I can help someone like me."

Severus tried not to feel jealous of that mysterious werewolf, telling himself that he was being silly, that Gryffindors were loyal, even if one nice werewolf met another. "Does he receive the Wolfsbane?" asked Severus casually, trying not to give Remus the impression that he would brew it for him to do his own werewolf a favour. He had no time for such selflessness.

"Well, he does, now that his family help him out, they changed their minds you see," said Remus. "But he couldn't afford it the first few full moons. It is rather expensive after all, horrendous, really, it doesn't make sense to sell the Wolfsbane at all, since those who need it cannot afford it. I couldn't afford it if it wasn't for you. I would like St. Mungo's to give out the Wolfsbane for free. There would be fewer accidents."

Severus smiled mirthlessly and joined Remus at the window to look out over the village. "There are few people who can brew it, and fewer even who would brew it for free. And the Ministry do not want to waste their precious mountains of Galleons on werewolves," he said quietly, leaning against the werewolf when Remus's hand came to rest in the back of his neck.

"You make it for free," said Remus kindly.

"For you, not for all werewolves," replied Severus even though he wanted to be praised some more.

"That's enough," whispered Remus against his cheek and kissed it softly, caressing Severus's neck. "That's enough for me."

Parting with Remus always made Severus edgy and the approaching OWLs and NEWTs didn't help. Professor Marchbanks, who had surveyed his Potions examination, eyed him suspiciously as every year, asking him what he had done with his genius but waste it away on students who didn't share it, and he glowered at her, very well aware that Belby had beaten him to inventing some great new potion. Professor Tofty reminded him that he had failed dismally at the Patronus Charm in his DADA NEWT, which had luckily not cost him his Outstanding and Severus assured him in turn that he had no problem whatsoever with the Patronus anymore (after all, he had plenty of good memories now, was able to focus on them and was not in a self-destructive downward-spiral anymore).

The examinations went quietly for a whole week, except for a second Niffler being smuggled into Umbridge's office, but in the night of the Astronomy OWL Severus heard some commotion reaching his quarters. He got up from his armchair and walked to the window to look out over the grounds and he could make out a few dark silhouettes near Hagrid's hut, red lights, and indeed Hagrid himself, raging. There was shouting and fighting and though Severus had no idea what was happening, at some point he felt it was time to intervene. He made his way upstairs, taking three steps at a time and had to stop very abruptly when the Bloody Baron drifted into his way, gliding out of a wall to his right. Severus stared at first, slightly perplexed when the Baron fixed his eyes on him. Then he was even more startled when the ghost spoke, which he did only very rarely.

"What are you waiting for, Severus Snape?" he asked in that hoarse whisper of his and he looked over his shoulder to where he had come from. "You must hurry, the Deputy Headmistress is severely injured."

"Professor McGonagall?" asked Severus agitatedly. "What happened out there?"

"Those Gryffindors are too brave for their own good, do you not agree with me, Professor?" said the Bloody Baron enigmatically. "Selfless, helpful, but also reckless and unreasonable. To intervene in a duel without even drawing her wand. I shall never understand their hot-blooded heedlessness. But honour they have, other than her assaulters. I would hurry if I were you, Professor. She needs your help."

And without waiting to be dismissed as he would usually do, Severus stormed past the Baron up the narrow staircase that led to the Entrance Hall. When he reached the gates and ran outside, breathing hard, he found McGonagall lying unconscious on the ground a few feet away from the figures he had seen from his window. As they were approaching him, Severus could make out Umbridge, Dawlish the Auror, and a few of his colleagues. Severus sank to his knees beside McGonagall and felt her pulse, finding her Stunned and absolutely immune to Severus's attempts to revive her. His heartbeat quickened unpleasantly and he felt immediately cold. McGonagall's breathing was shallow and rasping and her face was as white as a sheet when Severus turned her on her back and lifted her shoulders slightly off the ground. She did not react when he addressed her.

Severus clenched his teeth and glared up at the assaulters, counting one and one together when he could find no trace of Hagrid anywhere. "What have you done to her?" he demanded forcefully, looking McGonagall over for any injuries. "Why did you attack her?"

"She was trying to interfere in Ministry business," said Umbridge in her falsely sweet voice and her toad-like face was illuminated eerily by the torchlight that was coming from the Entrance Hall. "She should have kept out of this."

"She didn't even have her wand out!" said Severus loudly. "What right do you have to Stun unarmed teachers? Do you have any idea what effects your spells could have on a witch her age?" He was absolutely furious, he didn't care about his relationship to Umbridge. He wished he could punish them all right here on the spot. He had his wand at the ready and his fingers gripped it tightly, the Cruciatus on the tip of his tongue. But it wouldn't do to attack Aurors, not endangering McGonagall even further was only one of the many reasons why he needed to keep his calm. He summoned a stretcher and lifted McGonagall carefully onto it.

"Minerva McGonagall has been getting in my way ever since I arrived at this school," replied Umbridge angrily, her voice shaking. "There are limits to everything, also to my tolerance of disobedience."

"And that justifies your Stunning her without a warning?" shrieked Madam Pomfrey's voice from behind Severus's back. Severus looked up when she hurried towards him, almost falling to her knees in her hurry to examine McGonagall. "This is absolutely outrageous! I assure you, you will pay for this, you will get what you deserve!"

Severus levitated the stretcher to the castle and up to the Hospital Wing, silently enduring Madam Pomfrey's ranting as she fussed over McGonagall. Severus stayed all night, right beside McGonagall's bed, watching her being treated, potion after self-made potion being poured down her throat. The way her chest rose and fell irregularly and more slightly by the hour made him uneasy. When Madam Pomfrey walked up to him once again, bending over the still unconscious McGonagall, Severus leant towards her. Her face was not only worried but desperate, and she was shaking her head when she straightened up again. Severus gave her an urgent look.

"I fear we will have to call St. Mungo's," she told him when the first rays of the rising sun dipped them in rose light. "They have to fetch her and bring her to the hospital. I cannot do more than I have done and you see, she doesn't even wake up."

Severus got up forcefully, his chair keeling over. Some of the students who had fainted due to stress and were now lying in beds round the walls stirred. Madam Pomfrey put a finger to her lips rather less angrily than she usually would. Severus was not a pleasant hospital visitor to her but today she seemed willing to tolerate him.

"But she will make it," whispered Severus, his voice less firm than he would have liked it to be. "She will recover?"

Madam Pomfrey gave him an understanding look. "I don't know, Severus," she said gently, and her voice was thus as she had used to address Remus when he was still a student. "It is a miracle that she survived their blows. But I am sure that St. Mungo's will be able to do more for her than I."

Severus was utterly shocked. He felt quite helpless and for a moment he regretted not having taken Slughorn's advice and become a Healer. He sank onto the foot of the bed and looked at McGonagall's pale face for a few moments before he sprang back up, trying to distract himself from his worry. He wasn't used to feeling like this. Anxious, even fearful for McGonagall's life. He barely recognised himself. He hadn't known just how close he was to her. He wished he could talk to Remus and have him explain what to do with his feelings. Instead he busied himself with the task of calling St. Mungo's.

"I will floo the hospital," he told Madam Pomfrey and didn't wait for her answer before striding into her office and stepping through her fireplace to fetch some Healers. When the Healers he met heard that Professor McGonagall under whom all of them had studied, was lying in a hospital bed, unconscious and possibly dying, all of them volunteered to come and look at her. They trooped into the Hogwarts hospital wing, baffling Madam Pomfrey who stammered a little when she started telling everyone what had happened. Severus was standing by, still anxious, and was even more worried when they decided to take his colleague along to the hospital. He descended into the dungeons, swearing under his breath, determined to see Remus as soon as possible to get rid of his overflowing emotions. To clear his mind a bit he wrote a notice to Remus, explaining what had happened during the night and that he would visit soon to talk about it.

After ordering a house-elf to send it by owl from Hogsmeade to avoid Umbridge's control, he decided to get to sleep a few hours, after having spent the night at McGonagall's bedside. When he laid down on the sofa he felt wide awake but as soon as his eyes closed sleep took him by surprise. He was dreaming some curious dream, chasing after someone, always at their heels but never quite reaching them. Over mountains through valleys and whenever he got close to his prey he met an obstacle that threw him back. Though he tried desperately to come closer, he could never reach the one he was running after, and before he could say what he must say to them he felt all strength draining from his body and consciousness leave him and he awoke in confusion to a knocking on his office door.

He sat up and shook his head, rubbing his itching eyes. His arm was prickling. He heard a muffled voice calling his name and got to his feet, the dream leaving him in fast strides. He wrenched open the door that led to his lab and from there he entered his office where he opened the door to Draco who had been knocking and calling for him. The boy looked gleeful and excited.

"Professor Snape," he said quickly, "Professor Umbridge wants to see you."

It was all Severus could do not to roll his eyes. "Draco, I am currently not in the mood to do the Headmistress' bidding. I was up all night, you might have heard that Professor McGonagall has been brought to St. Mungo's."

"But, sir," said Draco urgently, "she has Potter."

That was the only thing that could have convinced Severus to follow Draco to Umbridge's office. What had Potter done now? Surely something idiotic, indifferent to the fact that Severus had been up all night and was in no mood to save his neck now. But since he was the only Order member left at Hogwarts … "Well, in that case …" said Severus and told Draco to lead the way, locking the door behind him. Draco told him that Potter and his friends had used the fireplace in Umbridge's office to contact someone and that Umbridge suspected them to be Dumbledore or Hagrid. Severus wondered why Potter had to be so stupid to get them all into trouble, why he could not have inherited his parents' wit.

The way to Umbridge's office seemed unusually long and Severus became aware of the fact that it was actually Remus's office, the office in which they had kissed so often, in which they had debated, in which they had parted, and suddenly he felt uncomfortable with the idea of entering it. Not only because of the negative memories, but because he didn't want to see how Umbridge, after Crouch, had ruined it. But just as he was having this thought they arrived at the office. Draco entered and Severus followed, his arm prickling more than ever.

"You wanted to see me, Headmistress?" he said coldly as he looked around at the Slytherins of the Inquisitorial Squad who were all keeping Potter's friends at bay, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, Neville Longbottom, Luna Lovegood. Potter himself was sitting on the floor before Umbridge who was sitting in an armchair. Severus took in the office with its laced covers and cloths, ornamental kitten plates and dried flowers. It was repulsing. Severus wished he could burn it all.

"Ah, Professor Snape," said Umbridge getting to her feet with a wide smile. "Yes, I would like another bottle of Veritaserum, as quick as you can, please."

Severs could guess what she wanted it for and once again he would save Potter's neck. "You took my last bottle to interrogate Potter," said Severus, considering her coolly, very well aware that she could not prove him a liar. "Surely you did not use it all? I told you that three drops would be sufficient."

He quite enjoyed the ugly flush on Umbridge's face, it served her right to be mocked after what she had done to McGonagall. "You can make some more, can't you?" Umbridge asked, her voice becoming annoyingly sweet. Severus wondered if she had ever listened to him, or to her teacher at school.

"Certainly," said Severus, not quite able to suppress his mirth and he was sure it showed on his face. "It takes a full moon-cycle to mature, so I should have it ready for you in around a month." Severus liked the fact that it was indeed a full moon-cycle, it reminded him pleasantly of Remus and the fact that Umbridge deserved as much taunting as Severus could give her.

"A month?" asked Umbridge incredulously, sounding like a frog. "A_ month_? But I need it this evening, Snape! I have just found Potter using my fire to communicate with a person or persons unknown!"

"Really?" asked Severus, hoping to find out more from Potter as he looked at him. "Well, it doesn't surprise me. Potter has never shown much inclination to follow school rules."

Severus looked into Potter's eyes, trying to see into his mind and the boy looked back at him obediently, at least now clever enough to realise what Severus wanted to do. But Potter's mind was so chaotic that he couldn't be sure what it was that Potter had wanted to communicate to the outside, or indeed, whom he had wanted to reach. But there was something swimming to the surface.

"I wish to interrogate him!" said Umbridge angrily, distracting Severus fatally from Potter's mind. "I wish you to provide me with a potion that will force him to tell me the truth!"

"I have already told you," said Severus, wishing her to leave him alone with Potter's mind, "that I have no further stocks of Veritaserum. Unless you wish to poison Potter – and I assure you I would have the greatest sympathy with you if you did – I cannot help you. The only trouble is that most venoms act too fast to give the victim much time for truth-telling."

Severus looked back at Potter, ploughing through his thoughts with immense velocity. And then he saw it, a man cowering on the floor of a room in the Department of Mysteries. A man who was very familiar. And the prickling in Severus's arm made horrible sense. Either someone had been extremely stupid and reckless – and Severus wouldn't put it past that someone – or the Dark Lord had finally managed to plant some false ideas into Potter's head that Potter had failed to recognise as false. The latter possibility seemed much more likely. Remus would never allow the first to take place. And now Severus could not even communicate to Potter to stay put and forget what he had seen, not only because he was in Umbridge's presence, but also in Draco's. All he could do was confirm his suspicion and try to get a hold on Potter before he did something stupid. He had the hope that Umbridge would throw him into one of the dungeons, lock him up and maybe torture him a little. That would prevent Potter from using the fire for what Severus thought he had wanted to use it. To get into the Department of Mysteries. Just like he had run to the hiding place of the Philosopher's Stone and into the Chamber of Secrets, as well as the Shrieking Shack.

"You are on probation!" shrieked Umbridge and Severus raised his eyebrows when he looked round at her. Suddenly she seemed to be entirely unimportant. "You are being deliberately unhelpful! I expected better, Lucius Malfoy always speaks most highly of you! Now get out of my office!"

Very charming woman, thought Severus, irritated by the mention of Lucius's name. As if he was the sum of what Lucius had to say about him, gladly he wasn't, he would like himself even less. He gave her a mocking bow and a defiant smirk before he turned to leave. Served her right to be made a fool of for what she had done to McGonagall. As he reached the door, Potter seemed desperate enough to give away Severus's connection to him and Severus doubted once again that he had any ounce of intelligence in that inflated head of his. Had he not noticed that Severus had gathered all he needed to know by intruding into his mind? And if he wanted Severus to know something important, why hadn't he come to him before getting himself caught?

"He's got Padfoot!" shouted the boy. "He's got Padfoot at the place where it's hidden!"

Severus had to compliment him on the cryptic message. He had been stopped in his tracks, his hand already on the door handle and was thinking fast what to do. How could he tell the boy that he knew? He couldn't think of any way he could make sure Potter understood. Not while there were many people in the room who could destroy his cover. He felt quite helpless. He would have to trust on luck to help him a bit. He knew he was never lucky, but everything else was out of the question.

"Padfoot?" cried Umbridge, interrupting his thoughts violently, throwing him back to their beginning. "What is Padfoot? Where what is hidden? What does he mean, Snape?"

Severus knew now was the time to do something. He turned around and looked at Potter again, hoping that that reaction was enough to tell the boy that he had acknowledged the information. He knew there was little chance that Potter would understand and he was eager to get away, call Grimmauld Place and make sure that this whole affair didn't end in a catastrophe. He just hoped that Umbridge would be stubborn enough to keep Potter under her control only for another hour.

"I have no idea," said Severus coldly, looking intently at Potter. "Potter, when I want nonsense shouted at me I shall give you a Babbling Beverage." He thought that showed that he had understood, after all Potter knew that Severus was aware of the silly nickname, but to show his good-will he added, "And Crabbe, loosen your hold a little. If Longbottom suffocates it will mean a lot of tedious paperwork and I am afraid I shall have to mention it on your reference if ever you apply for a job." Which Severus strongly doubted. But that was unimportant. He closed the door behind him and positively ran back to the dungeons.

When he was alone in his office he locked himself in and though he had always refrained from doing so, unwilling to show the form of his Patronus to anyone, even to Remus, he conjured a Patronus which he sent to Remus with the question that was burning inside him: 'Is Black still at Grimmauld Place?' He paced the length of his office while he waited and it took Remus a few minutes to answer. Just when Severus wanted to cast another Patronus, Remus's own appeared right before him and Severus was surprised to find a silvery raven flapping its wings and opening its beak to speak to him in Remus's mild voice.

"Sirius is here with me. What has happened? Is anything wrong? Please send a reply."

Severus watched as the raven dissolved, still rather taken aback by Remus's Patronus when he cast another one of his own to tell Black and Remus that they should stand by, he would inform them of everything later. The minutes passed and then half an hour, and when Severus didn't hear from Potter or Draco he started getting impatient. When Severus returned to Umbridge's office to eavesdrop he found the door open and his Slytherins in a chaotic mess on the floor, Draco being attacked by Bat Bogeys and most of the others unconscious. Severus relieved Draco of the Curse and asked him urgently where Potter and his friends had gone to.

"Weasley said something about the Forest," muttered Draco angrily as he got to his feet. "Potter and Granger said there was a weapon hidden somewhere and Professor Umbridge wanted them to guide her to it. I wanted to come along to keep them under control but she told me to stay here. I bet she's been overpowered too." He glared up at Severus who was now rubbing his left arm unconsciously.

"Draco, I want you to help your classmates, I will take care of Potter and the lot," he said and made to revive Draco's classmates to enable them to walk to the infirmary. They groaned and blinked up at him in confusion and rubbed their heads which must have collided with the stone floor. "Come," said Severus and helped them roughly to their feet, glaring at them for having let Potter and his friends escape. But it wasn't their fault, it was his. He should have waited for them. He should have known. Beckoning Draco closer to support his friends, Severus turned to leave. "Go to the hospital wing, all of you."

"Professor," said Draco, stopping him, and lowered his voice when he leant towards him to continue, "is it the Dark Lord? Father told me that he and aunt Bellatrix have received an important task."

Severus looked at him over his shoulder. "Bring your friends to the hospital wing and don't ask so many questions," he said quietly. "This night might just be very important. For your father and the Dark Lord."

Severus hurried downstairs and out of the castle to walk swiftly over the grounds to the Forest. He took out his wand and laid it on his palm. _Show me Potter_, he thought and the wand spun on the palm of his hand. Perhaps Potter would come back again, maybe he was already on his way, maybe he had, after all, realised that Severus had understood his message. But the wand never found Potter in the vicinity, it just continued spinning. Severus stopped it, gripping its handle so hard his fingers hurt. His eyes drifted over the dark trees and he knew that he had waited too long. The boy still believed Black to be at the Department of Mysteries, surely he thought that Severus didn't give a damn. And usually he would have been right, of course. But he must know that this was far too dangerous to let personal hatred seep into his actions. Why hadn't Potter left everything to Severus? Why hadn't he relied on his cryptic message? But those thoughts were in vain. Because even after another ten, maybe twenty minutes of walking the edge of the Forest, of trying to find the boy with his spell, the children did not return, as though they had never walked in. Potter was gone. Only how, Severus couldn't quite comprehend, where, he knew. Severus was done waiting.

A swish of Severus's wand created a new Patronus and this time the message he sent was longer. 'I will soon be with you at Grimmauld Place, keep everyone who is currently at Headquarters there until I arrive. We must act as soon as possible.' After he had sent the Patronus ahead, he ran back over the grounds to the gates and wrenched them open to slip through them and close them behind him before he Disapparated. Remus was already waiting at the front door of Grimmauld Place, his face worried but determined as he held the door open for him.

"Is it Harry?" he asked, his voice calm as usual but his golden eyes swirling agitatedly.

"Yes," snapped Severus, "who else?"

They descended to the kitchen and just before they entered it, Remus squeezed his hand. Black, Shacklebolt, Tonks and Moody were assembled there, already waiting for him, all looking up at him expectantly when he entered.

"So, Snape," growled Moody, "what's going on?"

"Potter has received a vision from the Dark Lord," said Severus and they all exchanged worried looks. "To explain all the details would only waste time, so, to cut a long story short: he is of the impression that Black here has been captured and brought to the Department of Mysteries. He wanted to contact Black but apparently he was unsuccessful. Umbridge caught him in her office, using her fire and Potter and his friends led her off to the Forbidden Forest under some pretext, undoubtedly to shake her off. When I followed them to the Forest I couldn't find them which means that either they walked out of the range of my spell and are still wandering through the Forest or they somehow managed to leave the grounds and are now on their way to London. I do not know how much time it will take them, but what I know from Lucius Malfoy is that there will be an unpleasant surprise waiting for them in the Department of Mysteries in the form of Death Eaters. To be exact, Lucius, Bellatrix Lestrange and her husband, Dolohov and most probably a few others of those who broke out of Azkaban earlier this year are already there. As soon as Potter takes the prophecy, they will attack the children. And they have no scruples. When they have the prophecy, they will kill all of them, not just Potter. We all know that five teenagers stand no chance against them."

When he had finished his account, a few moments passed in silence and everyone looked at him incredulously. He tapped his foot on the ground and waited for someone to say something. Remus relieved him of the awkward silence in which he felt rather guilty of the situation and he knew they were agreeing with him. The only Order member at Hogwarts let Potter wander off and run into the arms of the Death Eaters.

"Then I will go to the Ministry and rescue Harry, won't I?" said Remus matter-of-factly and Severus's heart sank. He wished Remus had not volunteered. Had not been born a noble Gryffindor. The other's nodded in agreement and got up from their chairs. Black looked around at everyone and his face darkened.

"I will come along too!" he said determinedly and Severus was surprised that anyone in the room had doubted that this issue would be coming.

"No, Sirius, you cannot just walk into the Ministry!" said Remus sternly. "You have to stay here and leave this to us."

"No way!" cried Black, stomping his foot on the floor defiantly. "He's my godson and I am going to help him! You can't forbid me to come along!"

"Actually," said Severus quietly and all eyes turned to him again, "I need someone to stay behind and tell Dumbledore what has happened. You could do that Black."

Black glared at him, already opening his mouth to talk back at him when Remus intervened. "I agree with Severus, Sirius, you can help us best if you wait for Dumbledore and send him after us."

But instead of placating Black, this sentence only seemed to enrage him more. "You agree with him, do you?" he snarled. "Of course you agree with him. It's not as if that meant that what he says makes any sense!"

Severus noticed the viciously hateful look Black shot him and glanced at Remus who met his eyes, saying in a low voice that the others wouldn't catch, "I've told him." Of course he had. Severus looked back at Black and glared with all his might. Suddenly he felt very self-conscious.

"Black, I assure you that I have no objections to your running into the hands of the Ministry and being thrown back into Azkaban but I would regret it if Dumbledore arrived here without someone to tell him what is going on. I have to return to Hogwarts and search the Forest, so if you have any suggestions …"

"Kreacher can do that!" snapped Black. "I will order him to do it and you won't hold me back from rescuing my godson!" He directed those last words at Remus whose brow creased. The werewolf turned to the others and gave a curt nod that caused them to go ahead.

"Then do that, Sirius," said Remus flatly. "I don't like it but I cannot tie you up, can I?"

Black gave Severus a last dirty look and stalked off, undoubtedly to tell Kreacher what he had to do. Remus turned to Severus, looking as though he was very unhappy with himself. "Well, Severus," he said slowly, "wish me luck."

Severus scowled at him and balled his fists. "You don't need luck if you take care," he said softly. "Lucius and Bellatrix will be there, so … do take care."

Remus smiled slightly and gave a nod, stepping close to take his hand. "I will," he assured but Severus felt an unbearable fear erupting in his body that incited a strong urge to hold Remus back. The werewolf closed the gap between them and let their lips brush before he turned away. Severus didn't let go of his hand but pulled him back and he turned to look at Severus again.

Severus hesitated for a moment, not quite sure what he wanted to say. He took a deep breath and knew what he should say. He didn't. "Come back," was all that he managed to say and Remus smiled again.

"I will," he repeated and as his hand slipped out of Severus's and the hem of his robe disappeared up the stairs Severus felt a cold fright seize his body that he hadn't felt in over a decade.


	28. Worry

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling (including the dialogue taken from OotP).

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: Hope everybody has a good time. It's so cold here! I don't have much to say on this chapter, just that the centaurs really met Remus, McGonagall really likes Severus a lot and Albus really knows everything that Severus tries to hide ;). Ah, and Severus really is a dunderhead sometimes ...

Yes, about Remus's and Severus's Patronuses ... they will play a role in the future and I daresay there might be a few surprises. But Severus is thinking by the same lines as you about Remus's raven ;). But who knows if that's the meaning of it ... oh, I'm in an enigmatic mood. Alas, no Remus in this chapter! But the next chapter (the last one in OotP) will be full of him.

**Next Update: 8th April.**

Resevius: Thanks a lot :) The McGo scene was important to me :) and I did come up with it rereading the scene in Umbridge's office. Why should she think that he is being deliberately unhelpful? He was always helpful to her wasn't he? To be honest, I don't like the idea of Remus's Patronus being a werewolf simply because his condition is such a burden for him and I cannot imagine him seeing it as a protection, so I never considered it. And I must admit I always thought that the Patronus turned into the person you loved and not the person's Patronus, I always figured that Harry got it wrong as he frequently does. It would make sense for both Severus's and Tonks's Patronus ... A bat is cool, Severus is supposed to look like one after all ;). Actually I never knew what kind of Patronus I would have ... cannot figure it out ^^.

Kiraling: I totally agree with you on the McGo/Sev dynamics. I believe Severus couldn't just take what happened to McGonagall lightly, and I just liked the idea that Severus would rescue her :). And you are looking into my head once again about the Patronus, though we will learn what Severus thinks of Tonks's new Patronus, there is definitely a reason why he still has that doe Patronus. By the way, the chapter after next will be what you are waiting for ;). Because I regretted Sirius's early death too.

Emily-pino: Yeah, we have reached the end of OotP, wicked how fast time passed :). It's always my biggest problem that everybody knows what will happen, making it very difficult to create some tension ^^. I'm glad it worked this time, though Severus is the only one who is scared for Remus' ;). Oh, it was important to me that Remus told Sirius. Though I think Sirius would have preferred not to know ^^.

soniakay: I think with Remus it will never be too late for a confession ;) Severus is just so timid.

**Worry**

Severus hurried back to the castle and as soon as he was on the grounds he ran over the dark grass to the Forest and entered it to stride over the soft ground straight into the very centre of it. Everything was so pitch black that he couldn't see his own feet on the ground when he walked between the trees, so he pulled his wand out and lighted it, stretching out his arm as far as it would go. There was a suspicious rustling sound following him as he proceeded deeper into the Forest wondering if he had lost his mind. The centaurs had claimed the Forest their private space and if they hadn't already noticed him, they would soon come across him. Severus quickened his steps, nervousness mounting inside him to keep the fear company. What if Potter was already in London? What if Lucius had already cornered him? And what if Potter was with the centaurs? Tied to a tree with his friends? What if Severus had sent Remus to the Ministry without a reason? Right into the murderous hands of Bellatrix Lestrange? What if Severus had sent him to his death? He stopped for a moment when he heard a cracking noise to his left and leant against a tree to calm down. He would feel it if something happened to Remus. Yes, he would definitely feel it. He would feel Remus's life leave his own body. How foolish.

He continued on and the path got narrower with every step, the noises increased, no sign of Potter or Umbridge or anyone or anything. Severus heard some curious shrieking a little to the left of him and turned in that direction, hoping that it had come from one of the girls. He tried to make absolutely no noise when he stepped through the thicket, cutting branches and thorns away with swishes of his wand. Suddenly he heard someone or something approaching him from behind at a run and he whirled round thinking '_Levicorpus_!" and the creature was lifted into the air, hovering above the ground, dangling on one hoof, gleaming silvery even in darkness and neighing panic-stricken. Severus lowered his wand to let the unicorn sink softly back to the ground where it got up, turning to pelt away through the trees. Severus felt lucky that he had not had _Sectumsempra_ on his tongue, killing a unicorn would only have cursed his already cursed life even more.

He heaved a sigh and made to go on as the renewed shriek sounded to his ears, nearby this time and he quickened his step again, slashing trees and bushes out of the way, and careless as to the noise he was making. Suddenly he heard a whistling noise and all his senses yelled in alert, braking his strides so that he stopped dead, and not a second too soon: an arrow sped past his chest and rammed into the ground at his right foot, missing only by an inch. Severus let out the breath he'd been holding and gazed up through the darkness that his wand-light couldn't illuminate, trying to make out his assaulter.

Then the surprise became even more unpleasant. He heard the rustling of leaves from all round him and the centaurs he had been worrying about stepped out of the darkness into the light of his wand, most of them with their bows out and their arrows pointing at him. _Wonderfully done, Snape, look what Potter has got you into now_, he thought angrily, letting his wand sink slightly as he knew centaurs didn't like being threatened by wizards. The chestnut coloured centaur right in front of Severus, who was apparently the leader, spoke to Severus.

"Another wizard in our Forest tonight," he said roughly, raising his bow to aim at Severus's face. "What are you doing here?"

"He's a teacher!" said a grey centaur to Severus's right. "One of Dumbledore's friends."

"You are, are you?" asked the chestnut coloured one and Severus thought that this was an actual question.

"I am," he replied calmly, looking carefully around at all the centaurs he could see. "I am Professor Severus Snape."

There was murmuring in the circle that the centaurs had formed around him and he felt uneasy with the idea that they seemed to know that name. A black centaur stepped forward. "Word has it you are a Death Eater," he growled and again the circle murmured irritably. "What would a Death Eater want in our Forest, if he is not in search for a werewolf?" There was snickering to be heard from some of the centaurs and Severus felt even more uneasy. He wondered if the treacherous stars had told them all they knew or if they had come across someone who had confided in them – perhaps two years ago.

"I am looking for six children," said Severus firmly, carefully avoiding to raise his wand higher, "and a woman. Have you seen them pass through?"

This time most of them laughed out loud. Severus couldn't find that a good sign. "Are they your foals?" asked the leader, his face stern. Severus felt slightly taken aback by that question and a bit embarrassed when he answered.

"They … I am responsible for them," he said quietly, hoping that the centaurs had kept to their word and not hurt the 'foals'.

"We have seen them," said the leader, nodding, obviously willing to tell Severus about his foals because he had come to look for them. Severus felt silly for calling them 'his foals', though.

"When?" he asked quickly.

"Hours ago," continued the centaur. "They had entered our territory. We could not accept it. We captured the woman, and the two young she had with her we wanted to capture as well, for they had intended to use us to get rid of the woman. But the giant interfered."

"The giant?" repeated Severus incredulously.

"Hagrid's brother. The giant he brought home with him," explained the centaur and the others pawed the ground angrily. Severus rolled his eyes in exasperation. He would try and strangle Hagrid as soon as he came back.

"And the children?" asked Severus urgently. "Where are the children?"

"Escaped," snarled the black centaur. "They were joined by four others and used Hagrid's Thestrals to leave the Forest."

Severus felt suddenly cold. With Thestrals, they must already have arrived in London before Severus had had time to send Remus and the others to the Ministry. The only good thing was that the prickling in Severus's arm had not yet turned into a searing which meant that the Dark Lord had not yet laid his hands on the prophecy. Severus thought fast about what to do. He could not go to London as well, staying in the Forest was pointless and pacing his office in the castle would cost him his last nerves. But what choice did he have?

"I assume that you will not give me the woman," said Severus, trying to get out of this situation unscathed without using magic. Some centaurs laughed, others huffed in rage.

"She will stay with us," said the chestnut coloured centaur. "She will be punished for her foul words and wizard arrogance."

Severus couldn't care to argue. He thought it served her quite right. "Very well," he said slowly, looking around the circle, letting his wand sink even further. "Then my business here is done. I apologise for the trespassing of … my foals … and for my own intrusion. I am going to leave your Forest."

The centaurs looked at each other and Severus thought that last sentence had taken its effect. He moved backwards, the twigs cracking under his feet like the ticking of a clock that counted the last seconds of his life. But the centaurs made no move and when he turned they broke the circle to let him through. He praised his cleverness while walking slowly away from them. While he heard Umbridge shriek again.

"You wizards need to look better after your foals," called the chestnut coloured centaur after him and Severus quite agreed with him. It had been his fault that Potter had escaped from the grounds. He would have preferred it if the centaurs had given the boy a good thrashing. Severus returned to the edge of the Forest by the exact same path he had come and trotted over the grounds very slowly, wondering if Remus had already found Potter and if Lucius was currently thinking about which curse to kill him with.

When Severus arrived at the castle, helpless and nervous, half the night had already passed. He descended the stairs to his office and as he entered it he found that the Pensieve had miraculously vanished from his cabinet and a message had been left in Albus's graceful hand: 'await my call.'

Severus started pacing and felt utterly useless, unable to do anything for the others. He waited and waited and waited some more, all the time worrying and all the time ready for a searing in his arm. But none came. And suddenly the prickling disappeared altogether. He stopped dead and looked down at his arm in confusion. That was the last thing he had been expecting. But he was condemned to wait nervously another hour or so before Albus called him through the fire and when Severus stepped into the circular Headmaster's office he found that it was already morning. The office was in chaos, many of Albus's possessions lying scattered over the floor broken and smashed and Albus was mending them with his wand, his eyes red, his head bent.

He looked up when Severus came closer and gave him a weak smile as he repaired a table. "Severus," he said softly and Severus heard his voice wavering slightly. "Harry was here," he added, waving a hand to indicate the mess the boy had left. Severus said nothing. He wanted to know what had happened, figuring reluctantly that something must have gone terribly wrong. He didn't dare ask what as he felt the fear mounting inside him. Albus sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Ah, Severus, I fear I have made more than one big mistake this year. And you warned me of it."

"It is not your fault, Headmaster," said Severus firmly, untruthfully, for he couldn't bring himself to blame Albus while he was in such a state, and while Severus wanted to know about the well-being of one particular person.

"You are kind, Severus," said Albus with a smile. "But I fear you are wrong. Everything that happened tonight could have been prevented, had I only …" He trailed off and his eyes became unfocused. Severus cleared his throat.

"May I ask what _did_ happen, Headmaster?" he said quietly and feared the answer even more when Albus looked up at him with that grave expression. "Is everyone fine?" added Severus, trying to conceal how urgently he required that information. _I would know, if something had happened to him_, he thought firmly, _I would have felt it!_

Albus heaved an enormous sigh and sat down on his desk. "No, Severus, not everyone has returned from the Department of Mysteries tonight," said he heavily and Severus's heart threatened to splinter his ribcage. "One of our number will never return."

Severus was on the verge of yelling at Albus. Such enigmatic information was absolutely out of place in such a situation! "And who, Headmaster?" asked Severus, his voice shaking with the emotions he was trying to suppress. Albus's blue eyes were dull now, no twinkling, and Severus's fear was reaching a level that almost drove him mad.

"Sirius," said Albus quietly and though Severus knew it was inappropriate, relief washed over him pleasantly and he sighed as fear and anxiety finally fell away from him. It was all he could do not to say 'thank Merlin', when he realised that Remus was safe. And indeed it was that thought that made him feel irrationally guilty. Surely, Remus would be very distressed by Black's death, would grieve painfully. And Severus was surprised that the fact that Black had died did not make him happy, in fact he felt indifferent to it. He regretted that Remus would suffer, though.

Albus was considering Severus tranquilly, and Severus shifted uneasily under his gaze. "How?" asked Severus simply to distract them both from his reaction to the news.

"His cousin Bellatrix," said Albus and Severus thought he could have known. If anything was more important to Bellatrix Lestrange than kissing the Dark Lord's feet, it was purging her family tree from those she counted unworthy. "I could not prevent it, when I arrived the two of them kept fighting and it had happened before I could intervene. Remus kept Harry from running after Sirius through the veil in the Death Chamber. There is not even a body to bury now."

Severus didn't quite understand what that veil was but when he heard Remus's name he felt content with the answer. It meant that he had not been injured, either. He had to admit that everything else was unimportant. Just one more thing mattered. "The prophecy?" he asked.

"Destroyed," said Albus. "Nobody had a chance to hear it. Voldemort was not pleased."

"What do you mean?" said Severus quickly. "Did you see him? Was he there?"

"It seems he was impatient," said Albus nodding, rubbing his right wrist. "He tried to kill Harry but, luckily, I could prevent it. He possessed Harry's body and tried to make me sacrifice Harry to kill him. Harry was strong enough to drive him out of his body, though, I am sure that Voldemort could not bear the emotions that filled Harry up …"

Severus didn't know what to say. He became aware that he could just as well have sent Remus into the Dark Lord's arms, and everyone who had accompanied him, thus also sending them to their deaths. Severus sank down on a chair and ran a hand through his hair. "What about the others?" asked Severus flatly, not quite sure whom he meant.

"Well," said Albus and took a deep breath, "except for Bellatrix, I rounded up all the Death Eaters who were present at the Department of Mysteries. Unfortunately Bella slipped through my fingers. A few of them were beaten rather badly and I dare say Remus was not very gentle with dear Lucius Malfoy. But maybe that will make him ponder his situation while he spends some time in Azkaban with his fellows."

Severus nodded and felt a little regretful about Lucius's arrest, and at the same time he thought it served Lucius right for dueling with Remus. There was no doubt about where his loyalties lay.

"The children are fine, though Ronald Weasley was attacked by a brain and turned a little funny in the head, Madam Pomfrey says he will recover. Hermione Granger was hit by Dolohov's Slashing Curse and you know how dangerous that can be, she was lucky she survived. A few broken bones but nothing too serious. Nymphadora will need to spend some days at St. Mungo's and Alastor was hit rather hard but everyone else is fine. And before you burst with curiosity, Remus has not so much as a scratch. He has brought Nymphadora to St. Mungo's and will probably be staying there tonight."

Severus scowled at him, crossing his arms. "Why would that be of interest to me?" he asked defiantly, jealousy eating on him as he thought about naïve Remus holding that amorous girl's hand.

Albus gave him a shrewd look but his eyes were still sad. "Times will change now, Severus, Voldemort will step out of the shadows. We will all need someone we can rely on. I know I can rely on you," said Albus and put his hand on Severus's shoulder. "And I will have to. Now starts the hard work, Severus, I am afraid I will have to demand too much from you."

"I will do what I can," muttered Severus, feeling his eyelids droop.

"You should go to bed now, Severus," said Albus, clapping his shoulder and standing up. "I am sure you had a hard night like all of us. I will have to fetch Professor Umbridge from the centaurs, but as she is now no longer headmistress you will be able to go wherever you want, should you want to go anywhere."

Severus looked at him with narrowed eyes and got up from his chair to return to his quarters. He missed almost the whole Friday, sleeping and dreaming unpleasantly, tossing and turning but every time he woke he was too tired to get up. And though he knew he had better look after Remus, make sure he was alright, he didn't feel particularly confident about it. When Friday passed and Saturday morning came Severus agreed with himself more and more that he was the wrong person to comfort Remus about the loss of his best friend. Certainly Remus would want someone to talk to him who actually cared that Black was dead.

Severus strolled over the sunny grounds on Saturday and repeated that argument to himself many times. And quite silently he added that he could have done something to prevent Black from storming out of Grimmauld Place, instead of standing by indifferently. That ultimately he was not quite innocent that Black had felt the need to leave his hidey-hole. And that in the end, he just didn't dare see Remus because he feared the blame and the helplessness. Wouldn't Remus be even more upset when he saw that Severus couldn't care less about Black's death? Severus felt so upset himself that he took points from two Ravenclaws who were having a romantic picnic, giving as a reason that they were suffocating the ants that were living under the tablecloth the two children were sitting on.

The rest of Saturday passed very uneventfully, except for the visit he received from Draco who was so upset about the arrest of his father that Severus could have sworn he was on the verge of tears. He angrily tossed the little 'I' on his robes into Severus's fireplace and kicked the leg of Severus's desk with a cry of frustration. Severus heaved a sigh and cast around for something to say to the boy.

"I will make Potter pay for this!" said Draco forcefully, balling his hands into fists. "I promise I will avenge my father! This is all Potter's fault! Why is he always so lucky?"

"I do not believe your father would like you to avenge him, Draco," said Severus quietly. "You should calm down and lie low. Leave the rest to us."

"To you, yeah right!" said Draco loudly. "Where were you when my father was arrested? What did you do to help him?"

Severus got up angrily. "I do not expect you to understand that, Draco, and I am aware that what happened to your father upsets you, but I will not be spoken to like that! I had my orders and so did your father, it was not my task to babysit him! A hot-blooded teenager does not gain much respect. Not with me and not with the Dark Lord."

"I will receive the Mark," muttered Draco as he was opening the door. "You'll see, I will become a Death Eater and then I'll show Potter!"

He slammed the door and it was Severus's turn to kick the leg of his desk. He felt like seeing Remus and was halfway to the fireplace when he realised he couldn't see him. He swore under his breath. It was best if he pretended that he had to wait for term to end before visiting Remus, that would at least be an acceptable pretext why he had not yet seen him. Albus visited him in his office as well, telling him that they would need to abandon Grimmauld Place until it was clear whether it had been passed on to Bellatrix or possibly Potter. Severus nodded but was barely listening. His mind was in London where his werewolf, he was sure, was currently clearing out Black's room. Had he been right in not seeing him right after Black's death? He knew he hadn't been. But he liked to deceive himself. Remus would be comforted by the Weasleys and Tonks and Shacklebolt. Severus would only be in the way of their grief.

With Sunday came the _Sunday Prophet_ and in it a pretentious article about the Dark Lord's return and the rehabilitation of Potter. Severus folded the paper and left it on his coffee table as he left his quarters to get some fresh air. He knew he had to expect a call rather sooner than later but right now his arm was being left alone and he wanted to distract his mind from everything else by lying down in the place by the water where he had rescued Remus from drowning two years ago. When he ascended the stairs to the Entrance Hall he heard agitated voices drifting towards him and when he reached the top of the stairs he saw Draco, Crabbe, Goyle and Potter standing in front of the open gates.

"The Dementors have left Azkaban," said Draco quietly. "Dad and the others'll be out in no time."

Yeah, I expect they will," said Potter as Severus walked slowly closer. "Still, at least everyone knows what scumbags they are now –"

Draco reached for his wand but Potter reacted so quickly that he had his pointed at Draco before Draco's hand had entered his pocket. Severus strode forward to prevent bloodshed. "Potter!" he called and when the boy looked at him Severus saw the hatred in his very eyes. Another parent lost, and Severus as the perfect scapegoat. He couldn't even blame Potter for it. "What are you doing, Potter?"

"I'm trying to decide what curse to use on Malfoy, sir," replied Potter fiercely, causing Severus to stare at him for talking back at him like that.

"Put that wand away at once," said Severus curtly. "Ten points from Gryff–" he added but stopped as he looked at the giant hour-glasses that counted the house points and found the Gryffindor hour-glass empty. He sneered at Potter, feeling that some things never changed. And really, he could never comprehend what it meant to lose a beloved father. "Ah, I see there are no longer any points left in the Gryffindor hour-glass to take away. In that case, Potter, we will simply have to –"

"Add some more?" said a voice from behind his back and he turned to find McGonagall limping up the stairs to the Entrance Hall. Severus strode towards her.

"Professor McGonagall!" he said a little more cordially than was like him. "Out of St. Mungo's, I see!"

"Yes, Professor Snape," said she, shrugging off her travelling cloak. "I'm quite as good as new. You two – Crabbe – Goyle –" The two of them shuffled towards her and Severus wondered if Salazar Slytherin had valued cleverness after all. "Here," she said, thrusting her bag into Crabbe's arms and her cloak into Goyle's, "take these up to my office for me!" They turned and disappeared up the marble staircase and Severus wasn't sure whether they knew where her office was.

"Right then," said McGonagall, looking at the hour-glasses at the wall. Severus had no good feeling about this and he knew McGonagall would spoil his mood as a welcome back treat for herself. "Well, I think Potter and his friends ought to have fifty points apiece for alerting the world to the return of You-Know-Who! What say you, Professor Snape?"

"What?" snapped Severus, more out of shock than out of the believe that he had misheard her. "Oh – well – I suppose …"

"So that's fifty each for Potter, the two Weasleys, Longbottom and Miss Granger," said McGonagall and Severus watched in dismay as a shower of rubies fell into the bottom of the Gryffindor hour-glass. "Oh, and fifty for Miss Lovegood I suppose," she added and Ravenclaw received a few sapphires. "Now, you wanted to take ten from Mr Potter, I think, Professor Snape – so there we are …" A few rubies returned to Gryffindor's upper bulb and Severus wasn't sure if she was just teasing him or if she was trying to placate him. "Well, Potter, Malfoy, I think you ought to be outside on a glorious day like this."

McGonagall sounded so happy that Severus was inclined not to help her upstairs as he had intended. But when Potter hurried outside and Draco shuffled after him she smiled at Severus rather warmly and held out her hand to him. He took it, and was reminded for a moment of Remus. "I heard what you did for me," said McGonagall quietly, squeezing his hand before releasing it. "I thank you. I must admit that sometimes I thought you would sacrifice anything to duty but I was mistaken. And I was truly moved to hear that you spent the whole night at my bedside."

Severus felt himself blush unpleasantly and looked away, rubbing his neck. "Who's told you that?" he muttered as they moved towards the marble staircase. He held out his arm to her to support her while climbing the stairs. She took it gratefully and held onto him.

"Remus kindly visited me at the hospital when he was leaving Nymphadora on Friday evening," explained McGonagall and Severus's stomach churned. "He told me everything that happened in the Ministry, and while we were talking he also mentioned you. It seemed important to him that I learned what you have done."

Severus kept silent, rather embarrassed by the fact that McGonagall knew how sentimental he had become, and uneasy with the fact that many people had talked to Remus since the incident in the Department of Mysteries, just not Severus. After a while of walking in silence, except for the regular clanking of McGonagall's walking stick, he cleared his throat. "How did he seem to you?" he asked quietly, trying to sound casual. McGonagall didn't seem suspicious of that question she just looked thoughtful.

"Well, he looked exhausted when he was with me," she replied. "Upset, naturally, after all his best friend died, was killed, right before his eyes. But he didn't seem eager on the subject so I didn't go into it."

Severus nodded slowly as they entered McGonagall's office and suddenly he felt the insuppressible urge to get away from her. Be alone. He helped her into her chair and she leaned the walking stick against the window sill. "Thank you again, Severus," she said, giving him another warm smile that he thought he didn't deserve. "I even missed you at St. Mungo's, it was rather boring without our bickering."

Severus smirked slightly and moved back towards the door. "I am glad that you have made a full recovery, Minerva," said he softly and when he noticed how exceptionally mild he sounded he added, "Hogwarts would have been very dull without a rival like you."

"Of course," agreed McGonagall with a small nod and he left, reassured that she knew he cared. Until a few days ago he hadn't even known himself how much he cared. He felt vulnerable when he descended the stairs, vulnerable because he noticed that there was more than one person that he would regret to lose, whom he would miss if they died. He didn't know whether he would be able, after all, to carry out his duty cold-bloodedly. It was not just Remus, he noticed, whom he couldn't sacrifice to the purpose.

Severus spent his last week at Hogwarts wandering over the grounds sometimes accompanied by McGonagall who needed a break every few feet, or Albus who didn't talk at all but seemed pensive and preoccupied. Though Severus was grateful that they wanted to keep him company, he felt exhausted sometimes. His arm had started prickling horribly and he was expecting a call any second of the day and for that he preferred to be alone. Besides he wanted to be on his own when dwelling on misery. He was now certain that his decision not to see Remus about the death of Black had been wrong. And as soon as he saw the werewolf again he would have to justify it. He had once before failed to justify such a decision. This time though he needed to come around sooner. He hated it when Remus gave him that disappointed look. He couldn't bear being apart from Remus, even now, and he felt something that he would never have believed possible, he felt the urge to be there for Remus and help him cope with the loss of his best friend.

In his grave mood he couldn't even find especially amusing Umbridge's flight from the castle one day before the end of term, chased away by Peeves who hit her over the head with McGonagall's walking stick and a sock filled with chalk. He didn't hold his students back as they joined the other houses in running into the Entrance Hall to watch, in fact he thought again that it served her right to be punished a little. But he did not feel like watching it himself, other than McGonagall who regretted having no walking stick to join the students. He was rather lethargic. His arm was killing him. His longing for his werewolf was suffocating him. Yes, he was feeling dreadfully vulnerable.

The end of term feast was much as usual, Albus talked about the Dark Lord and after a few sentences Severus stopped listening. He didn't need a reminder of his master, he had it right there in his arm. He packed his things that night and sent them ahead to Spinner's End but decided to spend another night at Hogwarts, averse to returning to his dismal house and indeed afraid that Remus would be waiting there for him. But then again, why would he? He was probably angry with Severus.

McGonagall said good-bye rather cordially and he helped her down the stairs to the carriage that would be bringing her to Hogsmeade. He looked after her for a few very long moments, when the students had already left and the grounds were quiet. He didn't even notice Albus coming up behind him.

"You should go home too, Severus," he said and Severus was too tired to jump in surprise. "I believe you still have somewhere to go."

Severus grumbled, not sure whether Albus actually knew that Severus had neglected Remus or if he was referring to the Dark Lord. "I'm already on my way," said Severus quietly and looked round at Albus. "Do you already have a new DADA teacher?" he asked automatically and expected the usual apologetic look Albus was so very good at. But Albus just shook his head and seemed very interested in a butterfly that soared past them.

"Have a good holiday, Severus," he said pleasantly. "And do not be timid. I believe the time to be timid is long past, we must seize our chances. Me too. I will have a few things to do and maybe I will need your help."

"I am always at your service," said Severus and Albus smiled, nodding.

When Severus arrived at Spinner's End he slouched up into his bedroom and slumped down on his bed with a sigh. Back again. Another year past. Another war started. And another distance he had created between Remus and himself. When he finally found the strength to get up again the next day had already reached its afternoon and he found that his arm was still prickling unpleasantly, driving him absolutely mad. Luckily, when he was just intending to leave the house, he had not even time to open the door before he felt in his arm a redeeming searing, finally ridding him of the wretched prickling.


	29. Grief

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling (including the dialogue taken from OotP).

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: Gosh I'm sorry for the delay, but my internet broke down on Sunday and I had to buy a new router, I've just finished installing it. Unfortunately I couldn't upload sooner. As an apology I will have a bonus chapter ready by Saturday. It's about how Remus told Sirius that he's involved with Severus (it's not important for the story so you don't have to read it if you don't want to).

Also, do you like the Shakespeare sonnet? Another one in chapter 1 of HBP.

Kiraling: Yeah, the centaurs, I've been looking forward to them :) Love that scene. And yeah, actually I like it when there isn't much canon, but then again, to write something without the slightest hints as to how it could have been is difficult. Surely not everybody will share my view of things ;). Hope you like the last chapter of OotP, I'm wondering if it is more painful to Remus or to Severus.

Resevius: Ah, so so sorry to be updating one day late, this was uncanny timing. Fate wanted to punish me ^^ and it's raining too. I hope your conference was alright. Yeah, that parallel between Severus and Harry was important to me, and the differences at the same time. Unfortunately, Remus decided to go on that daredevil mission to the werewolves, so distance will be inevitable at least in HBP... And though there wasn't much Remus and Severus, we still know what they were doing during the time they weren't appearing, that helps. About the Patronuses: yeah, well, so many interpretations, actually I like it when I don't know for sure ;)

soniakay: You're so right, and this chapter will be more heartbreaking still, I suppose. But watch out for the next chapter, some more Sirius there :).

Emily-pino: That's great, because I always have that feeling when I read him in Harry Potter: yeah, Severus, I love you but that wasn't good ^^. The McGonagall moment, yeah, I always like the two of them because their relationship isn't normal or easy :). And I interpreted a lot in that moment when Remus jumps in-between Lucius and Harry in the DoM. But, yeah, Lucius is_ the Deatheater_ because Severus is so close to him ^^. Even though he's not the worst of them.

**Grief**

It was an unusual sight, indeed, Bellatrix was cowering to the Dark Lord's feet, trembling and whimpering pitifully while her sister was standing stiffly beside her, her face white and impassive. Severus stepped into the circle, looking around at the many gaps that were now once again gaping in it. The Dark Lord didn't speak at first, he looked furious in a dangerously calm way and Severus felt those to his left and right shudder with fright. Severus had not even thought about the possibility that he could be blamed for what had happened at the Ministry, he assumed that the Dark Lord had not expected him to help Lucius, but he could not be sure. The Dark Lord seemed so bad-tempered that his reactions were absolutely unpredictable.

He shoved Bellatrix roughly away from him with his foot and she wailed loudly. Narcissa didn't move an inch, didn't make a sound. Severus watched her with regret. He knew that the Dark Lord would make her and Draco pay for Lucius's mistake. That was what the Dark Lord did. That was why Severus would never allow his love for Remus to become known to him. He felt vulnerable once again.

"I am _very_ … _disappointed_," hissed the Dark Lord and his voice even made Severus shudder. "You might wonder why those who were captured in the Department of Mysteries are still in Azkaban and not already back here with us? I shall tell you why: because they deserve punishment for their abysmal failure! Because obviously I cannot even trust you with overpowering a few teenagers to bring me my prophecy … obviously I was mistaken in placing my trust in those I have always counted my favourites …" Bellatrix wailed once more and tried to kiss the hem of his robe but he kicked her away again.

"The prophecy is destroyed, Potter is still alive and the wizarding world is now aware of my return, a whole year's careful preparation – for nothing! I daresay that the result of your fellows' blunder could not be worse!" continued the Dark Lord and as he looked around Severus could see in his red eyes the urge to punish somebody no matter whom and he gripped his wand tightly as he pointed it into Severus's direction. But it was not Severus who fell to the ground, writhing in pain, though he flinched when the cold voice hissed "_Crucio_!" and Wormtail wailed in pain. But for him, Severus felt no pity. After a few seconds, the Dark Lord seemed to be sufficiently placated and released Wormtail who remained panting on the ground. "It cannot to be changed …" the Dark Lord went on and the circle was as silent as it could be. "We will have to make the best of it. We need to move at once. The time of secrecy is past, which gives us more freedom to do what should have been done long before. In fact, why not be as loud and terrorising as you can, my friends?" A delighted murmur went through the previously subdued circle and Severus felt his stomach churning. "We may not lose time, now that the Ministry are on the move against us. And those of you who are still here will be well advised not to disappoint me as well. I will need … Ollivander."

The Dark Lord turned his head and looked at Selwyn who nodded and bowed, and the Dark Lord started pacing the circle. "Narcissa," he said after a while and for the first time Narcissa stirred, raising her head slightly but never looking at the Dark Lord, "I expect you to keep in contact with Greyback, since Lucius is currently not available. I will need the werewolves to do some dirty work for us. And …" he paused and gave her a malicious look, "do bring Draco to me, I have a special task for him."

Severus saw Narcissa tense but she nodded obediently and Severus knew that if she could, she would seize Draco and run away. But she could not leave her husband. And she knew the Dark Lord would find them. Severus swallowed hard. Now was the time that Draco got what he wanted, but not because the Dark Lord thought him worthy of becoming a Death Eater, quite the contrary. Lucius had obviously not been punished enough yet.

"I hope," said the Dark Lord loudly and everyone flinched, "that this reminds you that none of you stays in my favour without doing something for it … and that everyone can rise in my esteem," at this he looked at Severus and inclined his head and Severus gave a bow in return, "like Severus."

"I am glad that I was able to serve you to your satisfaction, my Lord," said Severus quietly and Bellatrix spat on the floor. Charming girl.

"Yes, Bellatrix, maybe you do not share my opinion but then again, you cannot expect me to heed your advice any longer," said the Dark Lord malignantly and she whimpered again. "Severus here is the only one who did as he was told all year, the only one who can say of himself that he did everything right."

Severus found it morbidly amusing that the Dark Lord was complimenting him on something he had never done or intended to do. And he had to admit that Hogwarts was a far safer terrain than the Department of Mysteries. When the circle was dismissed the Dark Lord held Severus back and waited until everyone else had Disapparated before he addressed him.

"Indeed, I am very pleased with your services, Severus," said he quietly, twirling his wand between his fingers. "You will be glad to hear that I trust you. In fact I trust you so much that I wish to consult you about a delicate matter." He looked at Severus and narrowed his red eyes. "I have now blocked my connection with Harry Potter," he continued and Severus succeeded to hide his satisfaction.

"May I inquire as to why, my Lord?" he asked with a little bow and the Dark Lord inclined his head with a wave of his hand.

"Though I did believe it useful to manipulate Potter's mind, and I was proven right with your help, I believe now that the dangers outweigh the advantages. And after Lucius and the others have wasted this one chance, Potter will not give me a second opportunity, nor will Dumbledore. And I must admit I do not wish Dumbledore to be informed of any more of my plans. When I was possessing the boy, I experienced … it was as if I was about to fall to pieces. This connection is dangerous. Dumbledore has not told you if he knows anything about this matter?"

"Dumbledore is merely speculating, my Lord," said Severus quietly. "He believes that it was Potter's grief that chased you out of his body."

The Dark Lord's features distorted in hatred. "_Grief_. _Love_. This weak brat. He wanted to die, Severus, so he could see his _godfather_ again. Naturally I would be incompatible with him. I am above such emotions. I liked it better when he was with you, Severus, he was so full of hatred then." He smirked approvingly at Severus, his red eyes piercing him.

"It was requited, my Lord," said Severus quietly and found it unsettling that the Dark Lord had actually been looking at him through Potter's eyes.

"Understandable," replied the Dark Lord lazily. "After all he is the living reminder that someone else was chosen instead of you." Severus balled his fists and his head jerked slightly in his anger. He took a deep breath and cleared that emotion away, but the dull pain in his chest stayed and he wondered why it never disappeared, why not even Remus could make him forget. "But you know nowadays, that you were destined for more, anyway, do you not, Severus? You do not begrudge me that I didn't spare the girl, do you? Desire sometimes misleads us, but you agree with me that there are others waiting for you … worthier of you?" Severus nodded reluctantly, cold fury threatening to well up inside him. But he controlled himself and the Dark Lord continued. "That brings me to another matter … I know everybody believes that I want you to kill Dumbledore … I do not deny it. It would be a great service. Just not yet. What would you say if I told you that I had a special plan for young Draco?"

"Draco, my Lord?" asked Severus levelly. "I do not believe that he is up to any task you could set him."

The Dark Lord laughed icily and Severus hated him, hated him, hated him. "Oh, no, Severus, I do not intend him to fulfil the task I want to set him. No, no, no, my only intention is to show Lucius what happens to those who disappoint me. Again, and again. And, you might be aware of it, one hurts people most when one hurts those they _love_," he paused and made a hissing noise of disgust, "I think you will agree with me when I say that you and I are superior to those who lose their hearts and their minds and become vulnerable fools in the process, timid and careless. Pitiful. I regret that Lucius, too, fell prey to that primitive emotion."

Severus said nothing. Only somebody who had never loved could talk like that. He felt like a vulnerable fool. He wondered if the Dark Lord had never even noticed that he – Severus – had lost his heart and his mind as well, for the second time now. And as he was thinking about it, he realised that he had somewhere to go, someone to comfort.

"Do not touch Potter, Severus," said the Dark Lord, turning away from him. "I must kill him myself. And do not touch Dumbledore before I tell you so. As soon as we have cut off its head, the Order of the Phoenix will perish. But we still have some time. Time enough for Draco to try and prove himself …"

"As you wish, my Lord," said Severus and bowed. "I am sure everything will run smoothly."

"As long as able servants carry it out …" replied the Dark Lord and glanced at Severus with a lipless sneer. "I suppose that when the time comes it will be you whom I shall rely on. Very well, you are dismissed, Severus, my friend."

Severus couldn't wait to get away from him. He had to talk to Remus from fool to fool, right now. Remembering what Albus had said about Grimmauld Place having to be cleared out he Apparated to London and arrived on the doorstep of number twelve when the door was just being opened. Molly Weasley jumped with a cry of surprise when he materialised in front of her. He jerked his head in greeting and pushed past her into the dark hall.

"Is Lupin here?" he asked curtly as Arthur walked towards him through the hall.

"Oh," said Arthur, glancing up the stairs, "yes, he is upstairs in Sirius's room. He wanted to look through his things before he leaves."

Severus nodded and looked into the darkness of the first floor. "Have you … talked to him?" he asked slowly. "About Black?"

Arthur looked slightly uneasy. "Well, we tried, but he just avoided the topic. He seemed rather controlled so we left it at that. Dumbledore tried to talk to him too right after it happened … but after we had heard raised voices and some crashing he left again; he looked upset. Are you going to talk to him?"

Arthur gave him a curious look and Severus scowled at him. "Of course not! What do I care about his pain? I just don't want to be snarled at when I come across him." He felt angry with himself for what he had said and he swept past Arthur without another word, stomping up the stairs and peering into the rooms to find Black's bedroom. He had to ascend the stairs until they went no further and he passed through an open door with a nameplate on it reading "Sirius" only to find his werewolf standing with his back to him, gazing out of the window.

Severus took a step into the room, the room of a teenager, no doubt, with posters and photos on the walls and letters and magazines on the desk. When Severus took another step forward there was a crunching noise and when he looked down he saw he had stepped into glass shards that were scattered over the floor. "So, you have finally made it here," said Remus and his voice was flat and dull. Yet, Severus thought he had heard a reproachful edge to it and started worrying. "I was wondering if you had forgotten where to find me."

Severus cleared his throat, knowing that these remarks were Remus's way of ordering him to apologise. And he knew he must apologise. "I was …" he started, thinking about the excuses he had made up and deciding to forget about them, "forgive me …"

Remus turned his head slightly and Severus could finally see his face which seemed calm and tired as usual. He found it curious. He had expected a Remus dissolved into tears, or at least a Remus who was openly angry or desperate. But he was indeed controlled. Unhealthily so. "You are late," said Remus and looked back out of the window. "I would have needed you much sooner."

Severus rolled his eyes and looked at his feet, wondering what he was supposed to do. As he glanced around the room he found a picture lying on Black's desk. A photograph of the young Potter family, waving at the ceiling. He felt a lump forming in his throat when he looked at the back of Remus's head again. He walked towards him and stopped just short of his back, feeling his warmth touch his own body. "I believed to be the wrong person to be there for you in this situation," he said softly and it made Remus huff and jerk his head uncharacteristically. "I was wrong," continued Severus and reached out to take Remus's hand into gentle fingers to make him turn around. Remus turned but only reluctantly and his hands were limp in Severus's, but his eyes were not red, he had not cried, yet his hair had turned so much greyer in the mere week that they had been apart, and Severus knew that his grief was trapped inside him. "I know you are disappointed."

Remus shook his head and his brow creased. "I … everyone is treating me like a raw egg, but actually no one wants to talk about him," he said, his voice firm and irritated. "You neither, you are happy that he's dead."

Severus averted his eyes and glowered at the floor. "That is not true," he said and Remus did not contradict him. Severus raised his eyes to Remus's and knew it must be. "I cannot pretend that I am sorry he died, but … I am sorry that his death hurts you."

The tears started pouring from the golden eyes before Remus even realised that his body had given in to them. Severus wiped them away but they did not stop and when Remus started sobbing uncontrollably he stepped closer and Remus embraced him, positively fell forward and collapsed against his chest. Remus gave up all pretence and buried his face in Severus's shoulder, clinging so desperately to him that Severus thought his legs would give way. Though Severus felt slightly helpless, he knew that he did not need do anything from here, his being present was entirely sufficient. He realised now that he had not come earlier because he could hardly bear Remus's sadness and his tears soaking his robes.

"It's so unfair!" sobbed Remus desperately and there was such pain in his voice that it made the lump in Severus's throat grow despite the hatred he had always felt for Black. "Why give him back to me only to take him away again? Why not give him some happy years with us? Why him? Why not me, why not release me from this wretched body?"

At those words Severus grew suddenly livid and seized Remus by his trembling arms to shake some sense into him. "Because you don't deserve death!" he snapped viciously at him, but Remus shook his head vehemently.

"Nor did he," he replied. "No one needs me but Harry needs Sirius. How much more pain does he have to endure?"

"And how much more pain would you have me suffer?" said Severus loudly, insensitively. "That boy has plenty of people who care about him, he has never known loss, he didn't even know Black properly, doesn't need him! But I, I need _you_!"

Remus gave him a baffled look and fell silent, no retort left on his tongue. Severus let him sink back against his chest and the werewolf rested his chin on his shoulder, resuming his sobbing. "He was my friend," he managed, his breath hitching. "We were not the same as we used to be but …"

"I know," said Severus just to quiet him, just so that broken voice would stop hurting him.

When Remus's shaking shoulders stilled the werewolf shifted his head and took a deep breath. "It hurts so much," he whispered, his voice cracking still. "I was talking to him one moment, and the next he was … gone … just like that. He left me behind."

"And I am glad he did," whispered Severus harshly. "I thought something had happened to you."

"You were relieved to hear that he had died and not me?" asked Remus quietly.

"You are not alone," said Severus, ignoring the question stubbornly. "You may not forget that. You have lost someone who never really returned to you. A loss you have already coped with. But all this time it was I who was closest to you. The world does not end with Sirius Black, your plans for the future are the only things that change."

Remus was silent for a moment before he sighed. "You do not know how to give proper solace," he said but his voice was mild and his head still on Severus's shoulder. "Maybe it would be better, if you didn't say anything at all."

"Very grateful, that Remus Lupin," growled Severus, and the werewolf's arms tightened around him.

"I witnessed his will, you know?" said Remus softly, his voice slowly returning to normal. "I was surprised that he even wanted to make one. He wasn't usually sensible," a small chuckle disrupted him and Severus feared for a moment it would turn into a sob but Remus continued in a calm voice, "I told him he had all time in the world, but … he said he wanted Harry to have everything and that he wanted to make sure he got it, instead of the evil remnants of the Black family. I was looking for it when Albus came, I haven't found it yet, I have no idea where he put it."

"You will find it," said Severus, looking around. "He probably hid it from his house-elf. What did Albus want, anyway?"

"Talk about Sirius," mumbled Remus and suddenly he sounded very guilty. "Well, I was rather upset … I fear I blamed him for Sirius's death. I … I lost control for a moment." He looked round and waved his hand towards the door beside which Severus made out the glass shards he had stepped on, the remains of a whisky bottle, and sprays of the liquid that had filled it on the walls left and right of the door. "I, um, well, I hurled the bottle at him in my rage and … luckily he made it explode before it could hit him … I was … I feel so ashamed of myself, now that I can think clearly again. It was one of those moments, you see? The wolf broke through."

Remus rubbed his neck and stared at the floor, seeming utterly disappointed with himself. Severus imagined him hurling a whisky bottle across a room at Albus Dumbledore and found it an impossible picture. Thought that it must have been possible only because Remus had been alone with Albus. But he had to admit that this was a side of Remus that he had not yet fully explored. "You weren't wrong in blaming him," said Severus to show his solidarity, "he blames himself too."

"Oh, no," said Remus shaking his head and wiping his face with his frayed sleeve, "I was angry and needed to blame someone other than myself, and well, I didn't want to hear anything about how Sirius's death could've been prevented. All I wanted was you. And you didn't come."

Severus stiffened and looked away. He had apologised, what else could he do? "I am here now, am I not?" he snarled and laid his hand into the back of Remus's neck to pull him back against his chest. Strange how he sought closeness nowadays, when only a year ago he had been timid about it. He thought about the cold prison cell Lucius was sitting in now and laid his arms round Remus's waist. "You must not expect too much."

He was relieved nonetheless when he felt Remus's smile against his neck. "I'm sorry, I thought you didn't want to be there for me when I needed you, after all, but I was wrong," said Remus softly. "I just needed you. It is nice that you don't tiptoe around me."

"You are torturing yourself," said Severus darkly, looking around the room once more and finding so many pictures of their youth scattered over the surfaces that even he became depressed. "Sometimes distancing yourself is better than plunging headfirst into memories. You can look for that blasted will tomorrow we shall not stay here any longer!"

Remus didn't protest when Severus pulled him out of the room and down the stairs, until they had reached the first floor and Remus's bedroom. "I still need to pack some things," said Remus, stopping in front of the door and Severus nodded, entering after him. "You know, Severus," added Remus when he picked up his scattered books, "I barely dare say it, but you were right. About Nymphadora I mean."

Severus stared at him, puzzled by the sudden mention of the girl and crossed his arms, expecting a joke. "Right about what?" he asked suspiciously and Remus looked up, his arms full of crumpled clothes.

"Have you already forgotten what you told me?" he asked and a weak smile played around his lips. "You said that she had a crush on me and … well, you were right." Severus ogled him, rendered absolutely speechless. Remus chuckled but he didn't seem sincerely amused. "She told me yesterday. After we had seen Harry off at King's Cross she asked me to walk her home. Well, why wouldn't I? She had just left St. Mungo's, after all. And on our way she started explaining things to me that made no sense, I asked her to be more precise for an old man to understand her and then she said … she said that she loved me," he paused and smiled helplessly at Severus, "I had to ask her to repeat it. I couldn't believe that you had actually beaten me at interpreting affection."

Severus knew Remus was trying to diffuse the tension but it didn't quite work. Severus was thunderstruck. She had confessed something to Remus after having known him for a year and not even shared a kiss with him, which Severus had not even now found the courage to confess to Remus after all this time and all their experiences. He became furious at her for daring it and then he grew cold for he feared that it had reminded Remus of Severus's insufficiency.

"She … she said it," said Severus, his voice not nearly as firm as he would have liked it to be, "just like that?"

Remus looked at him when he closed his suitcase. "Just like that," he affirmed with a curious smile.

Severus averted his eyes and tapped his foot on the floor. "And you said?"

"I said that I wasn't right for her," said Remus shortly. "And that isn't exactly wrong, is it? Even if it wasn't for you …"

"But it is for me," growled Severus, not even trying to hide his anger.

"Well, I couldn't tell her that, could I now?" asked Remus with a warm smile. "I'm afraid I hurt her terribly when I rejected her feelings. But surely she will forget it soon. There are many men her age who are better matches."

"No," said Severus, rolling his eyes, "no, no, I have never thought her a very clever or talented girl and I am the last to speak well of her but this time I must compliment her on her choice. She didn't choose the first pretty boy that crossed her way, she chose you for your personality."

Remus rubbed his forehead and smiled sheepishly. "Anyway, I wish her to get over me fast, for I am unreachable. I am yours."

"You told _him_," said Severus softly, "that you are, didn't you?"

Remus sat down on the bed and heaved a melancholy sigh. "Yes," he replied wearily, "I fear he reacted just like you predicted. He didn't understand. I wish he could have been happy for me, instead he died angry at me."

"You have grown older and wiser, Remus," said Severus quietly. "He hasn't, he didn't have the chance to."

"It … it is kind of you to say that," said Remus and picked up his suitcase. "Thank you."

Severus gave him a flustered glance and shrugged. Letting Remus pass him and following him out and downstairs. They crept to the front door and Remus looked over his shoulder before he opened the door to step out and wait for Severus to join him and pull the door shut. "I can assist you in Apparating," suggested Severus as he noticed Remus's frown, "we wouldn't want this old werewolf to fall and break something after all."

Remus chuckled and took his arm for support when they turned on the spot and pressed through time and space to Remus's house. Severus's feet hit the mossy ground rather hard and though he felt that Remus had come along alright the werewolf bumped into him, dropping his suitcase and making them both topple over and fall to the soft ground. The breath was knocked out of Severus's lungs as Remus's weight came down on his chest and the werewolf rolled quickly off him, unable to stifle his laugh.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I was slightly overenthusiastic, I should probably have left it to you instead of Apparating too," he said, amusement clear in his voice and Severus couldn't be cross with him now, for he was too relieved that the werewolf showed signs of happiness.

"Remus, Destination, Determination, Deliberation, it's all very simple," he mocked as he got to his feet and pulled Remus to his legs as well. Remus couldn't stop laughing all the way to his house and it was like honey to the ears.

"What would I do without you?" asked the werewolf as they were ascending the stairs to the first floor. "I don't even remember how it is to be lonely. I'm home, Dad," he added as they passed the small office to their right and he waved at the photos of his parents. Severus thought Remus remembered exactly how it was to be lonely. He found himself nodding at the pictures and thought himself a fool as soon as he had done it. Watching Remus unpacking, he sat down on the windowsill, folding his hands. When Remus turned towards him, he smiled sweetly – this was a properly sweet smile! – and came closer to kiss him gently, sitting down next to him.

"Maybe next term I will see you more often?" he asked quietly and his face turned sad again.

"Definitely," said Severus. "I doubt that Albus will allow another intruder in the castle." He looked at Remus and took a lock of entirely white hair between his fingers.

"It turned like that quite rapidly," said Remus quietly. "I suppose it was the shock. Strange … I never knew my father to turn grey."

He smiled silently and leant against Severus in that affectionate way that Severus loved. And he felt superior to Lucius, right now. He felt happy, right now. And then he didn't. "I should have tied him up after all, I shouldn't have let him come with us …" mumbled Remus, his eyes unfocused.

"Then you would have been one short," said Severus. "And you would have been injured."

"I was just fine, thank you very much," said Remus in mock haughtiness. "Though Avery gave me quite a hard blow from behind, the coward … and Dolohov did almost cut my head off. But that's nothing new, he's just so violent."

"Stay away from him, will you!" snapped Severus irritably, knowing that the gentle werewolf was no match for Dolohov who wasn't only a faithful Death Eater but also a ruthless, murderous monster.

"I had no choice at that moment," replied Remus with a shrug. "He got in my way … but for a rusty old teacher I did quite a good job, and I gave Lucius Malfoy a thorough thrashing!" he added with a smug smirk. Severus mirrored his smirk and Remus chuckled that chuckle that sent Severus shivering. "Ah, no, the poor devil … I always have to think of his wife and son. But I couldn't have him hurt Harry and Neville. I had come to protect them, after all."

"Don't worry about him, he is better off in Azkaban right now, the Dark Lord would only let out his anger on him," replied Severus and cleared his throat when Remus nodded. "Your plans for the future … have they changed?"

"No, not concerning us …" said Remus quietly. "My cellar is still reserved for your lab."

"Reassuring …"

"There should never have been a doubt about it, and I hope there is none now," said Remus with a vague smile.

"No, I have no time for doubts."

Remus clasped his hands and looked at the dusty floor, drawing circles on it with his foot. "I feel so empty," he said and his face turned sad again.

"More room for me," said Severus and really meant it. Felt inappropriately pleased by it. Remus gave him a grave look which dissolved into a reluctant smile in mere seconds.

"You really are dismal at comforting people," he said and tried stubbornly to suppress his smile.

"I am doing my best," replied Severus seriously, making Remus chuckle. Severus wondered if Remus even knew that he was not indifferent to his bereavement. He wondered if Remus even had the slightest idea how much Severus suffered with him. Severus had not even imagined that he would suffer at all. And now the lump in his throat just wouldn't go away, indeed, he felt reminded of the life he had taken with his own wand less than a year ago, and who had been hurt by his death, who had cried for him like Remus now cried for Black. How Severus had cried all those years ago until no tears were left in him, until he had been able to blame Albus like Remus had blamed him. He swallowed hard and caught the renewed tears his werewolf was shedding in his palm, wiped them away and kissed the corner of Remus's mouth because he had no words to ease that pain, knew it would not cease very soon, maybe never like his own.

"I feel fortunate to have you, you know?" said Remus and his voice was already wavering. "I am glad to have you back, I mean. I couldn't have taken that pain as well."

"Your pain is mine," said Severus and kissed him again, salty tears running into his mouth, trembling fingers cupping his face as Remus sobbed silently, sinking against him. The werewolf had many tears left now and Severus was determined to see them all fall until none would come anymore, since he knew that he would have needed someone to do the same for him, that Remus would have done it for him.

In the following days Severus often felt Remus's tears drying on his own skin, the word that was most often on his tongue had become 'shh', the fabric covering his chest was constantly wet. But as the days passed, the time that was spent without crying increased and Severus managed to distract Remus, being forced to cook because Remus had not learned in fifteen years of living alone, how to nourish himself properly.

"Cooking is much like brewing, only easier," said Severus, feeling a bit like a housewife standing before the stove. But as it helped stopping Remus from crying he endured it. What one didn't endure for love. Love was indeed a foolish feeling. "Naturally you would be no good at it …" How true for them both.

And when he thought that Remus had finally shed all his tears, the werewolf found Black's will in the wardrobe of his own bedroom at Grimmauld Place and returned to his house, waking Severus who was still sleeping in the white bed, collapsing on top of him with the will clutched in his hand and the grief pouring out of his eyes as he wept into Severus's neck. It made Severus dread the day when he had to leave Remus, in death or possibly even in life. And the request he had once been too timid to make, to die together if they must, seemed real now. Because he knew that he would follow Remus, would have nothing in life anymore that would keep him, would be too overwhelmed by the loss of the one who was his, after the loss of the one who hadn't been his, that he could not think of living on when Remus didn't. Remus, who was far more fragile than he, would, perhaps, do the same. Even though, or maybe because, he had once before outlived everyone he had held dear. For now though it was life they had to deal with, and life was not yet quite finished with them.

_When to the sessions of sweet silent thought__  
__I summon up remembrance of things past,__  
__I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,__  
__And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste:__  
__Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow,__  
__For precious friends hid in death's dateless night,__  
__And weep afresh love's long since cancelled woe,__  
__And moan the expense of many a vanished sight:__  
__Then can I grieve at grievances foregone,__  
__And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er__  
__The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan,__  
__Which I new pay as if not paid before.__  
__But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,__  
__All losses are restor'd and sorrows end._

**William Shakespeare, Sonnet 30**


	30. Bonus Chapter - Friends

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling (including the dialogue taken from OotP).

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT

Author Notes: Here you go, this is a bonus chapter as a thank you for my loyal readers :). It is Sirius's PoV because I found it interesting to look at Remus through somebody else's eyes instead of Severus's and I also want Remus to remain a mystery. Writing Sirius was fun! He's so different from Severus and he sees Remus in a completely different light. I hope you enjoy this chapter, though it isn't important for the story ... I might write other chapters like this, in fact I have already sketched out a few. Only if you like to read them, of course.

Now, I hope I'm not giving you too much at once (two chapters of that length within 5 days ^^). This turned out rather longer than I meant. Please let me know what you think, I really appreciate your reviews :D! See you next chapter in part two of Journey.

Emily-pino: You are very welcome :) Sev has his very own way of comforting people :D And I think that Remus was actually shocked at Tonks's confession, even more so because Severus predicted it ^^ poor Tonks ... And actually I don't really like foreshadowing, but because I know what will happen I fear I did it a few times, especially with Dolohov ;) I already have that scene written, you know, lying around in wait until it can be published. So, I hope you like this chapter, it was definitely fun to write. Though I did feel sorry with Sirius.

**Friends**

Remus Lupin's expression was unfathomable as always. Long since, Sirius Black had realised that his best friend had changed over the years, and despite all disappointment, it wasn't surprising. He had led a lonely, secretive, private life, hiding his condition and thus himself, free but isolated. His very own prison. Life had left its traces, not just in the form of grey hair, scars and lines. The real changes were invisible, and they were in the way Remus's eyes seemed locked. Sirius had no key to that lock, not that he hadn't tried to find it … or pick the lock open with a hairpin … but Remus was not to be figured out. It was a mystery. One moment Remus Lupin was the boy Sirius had known, they joked and talked of old times and laughed heartily – no, Sirius laughed heartily, Remus just laughed … in a strange, artificial way, but still honest. Puzzling. Next moment he was that quiet stranger, wearing that knowing look, an ever-present, hollow smile on his lips, a hint of bitterness only visible to those who had known Remus without it. In such moments, his eyes were the most unusual shade of amber, unbelievable that they should be calculating, scrutinising, piercing. Incredible that he was keeping his distance to everybody, at all times. Or so it seemed, to everybody. Nobody knew Remus Lupin anymore, and there was no telling if that was a pleasant situation for the werewolf. He never spoke much about his feelings.

To Sirius, this was very disappointing, for he was emotional, he showed how he was feeling, he talked about it to Remus, his best – his only friend. But as much as Remus listened and talked, he never lost a word about his own feelings, about what was going on inside him, deep down. Indeed, he was unfathomable. Dangerous, mild, positive, depressed, one never knew what he was or what he would be in a moment or two. Unfathomable. Even now, nobody could have found out what was going on in his head, as he considered Sirius over Buckbeak's back, tranquilly, seriously. Would he say something? Or would he wait for Sirius to break the silence? Sirius couldn't tell. He didn't know Remus anymore. Too much time had passed, and though they still loved each other, though they still felt close, the distance between them seemed too far to cross. Maybe when times became quieter, when Sirius could walk across a street again without being struck down and arrested, maybe then they would try to change that fact, maybe they would succeed. For now though, Remus had changed too much for Sirius to be able to tell what he was standing in the doorway for now, giving him that strange, almost creepy look.

Surely, it must be the same for Remus. Sirius hadn't changed too much, he had stayed the same. Was it difficult for Remus to deal with Sirius, who was still the boy he had been before Azkaban – maybe more damaged, maybe more desperate and less forcefully happy, maybe just as bitter as Remus was trying to hide, but in essence still the same, not matured, still difficult, so extreme? For quiet, controlled Remus, a man to whom the slightest disturbance in his emotional balance seemed to be an unbearable torture?

"Was there anything you wanted?" asked Sirius finally, as the silence stretched to a point when a grown man might still have been able to bear it patiently, but a boy like Sirius found it awkward and silly. For the first time today, Remus showed a true feeling – nervousness – and it made Sirius suspect that this visit was of importance. He bit his bottom lip and averted his eyes for only a moment, his hand still on the doorknob, his shoulder leaning against the frame.

"Maybe this is not the right moment," he said in his hoarse voice. It was characteristic, this hoarse voice, of the change that had overcome Remus. Even if one didn't see Remus, one could hear in his voice the strain and exhaustion that was visible in his face, he sounded older, wiser, like another man. Several times during the past two years, Sirius had been able to detect some of the bitterness, and a profound sadness in that voice whenever they had been alone, but now that hoarse voice was void of emotion and experience and the only trace left of it was the void hoarseness itself.

After looking back at Remus for a moment in which neither of them moved, Sirius shrugged. "Do you need an especially perfect moment for what you gotta say, Moony?" he asked impatiently, scratching the feathers of Buckbeak's head. He didn't mean to be rude, but with this grown-up, reasonable, responsible Remus he felt like a teenager in the middle of puberty, rolling his eyes at his boring, chastising father. "If it's about my sitting with Buckbeak, or my shouting at Kreacher or anything else concerning my inadequate behaviour, then I agree – it's not the right moment. If it's something other than that, be my guest."

Hesitating skeptically, Remus raised his eyebrows, looked over his shoulder and around the room, only to close the door behind him and draw back the curtains before the high windows with a swish of his wand. Sirius squinted indignantly in the light of the afternoon sun that glared cruelly into his eyes illuminating the dust hovering in the air. Remus cleared his throat. To no effect as usual. "I have something important to discuss with you," he croaked, his fingers twitching, his lips quivering. It wasn't necessary to point out to Sirius the importance of the following conversation, it was audible in Remus's voice, heavy and meaningful on purpose. "Actually I did want to wait for the perfect moment," continued Remus after an equally meaningful pause and Sirius felt once again how very mature the werewolf was in comparison to him. Always the right amount of whatever tone he needed, always perfectly thought through. "But I suppose that if I wait too long, I might never tell you at all. And I need to talk to you about this, it means everything to me and it feels wrong to keep you out of it."

That made Sirius curious. It wasn't as if Remus had confided many things in him and it incited a warm feeling in Sirius's stomach to know that Remus wanted to change that too, wanted to include Sirius in his life again like a true friend. He sat up straight to give Remus the feeling that he was interested and willing to have a real conversation. "Alright," he said encouragingly, though he knew that self-confident, independent Remus didn't need an encouragement for anything. "Go on."

Again Remus hesitated, leant against the door and sighed heavily, his eyes drifting into the distance for a moment, glassy and apparently trying to find out how best to start. Then he sighed once more and clasped his hands, straightening his back, his face softening suddenly as a seemingly unconscious smile crept onto his lips. And it had Sirius wondering what pleasant thing Remus had seen in the distance his eyes had traveled to. "This will probably be hard for you to accept and to understand," said Remus, his voice that mild hum that could soothe any anger. "But there is a person in my life that I have kept secret from you for exactly that reason and I feel that it is time I stopped separating you –"

"You have a lover, have you?" teased Sirius, staunchly ignoring the pang of jealousy he felt when he realised what Remus was implying. Remus raised his eyebrows, the corners of his mouth twitching. Sirius leant forward interestedly and smirked up at Remus who seemed abashed rather than smug or amused. "Well, I will have you know that I want all the details! Remus Lupin and a lover, I didn't think you had it in you, and secretly on top of everything, has hell frozen over?"

Remus shook his head with an enigmatic smile. "Hell will have to freeze over before I give you any details," he said in a short humorous excursion. "But it is not as banal as you think. As I was saying, it is very important to me. I love that person, more than I can say, which is why I want you to know. And I wish you could get along … somehow." Remus trailed off and fell silent, his brow furrowing. Again, Sirius couldn't bear the silence for long.

"Don't make it such a big secret," he pressed on, "go ahead and tell me who it is already. Somebody I know?"

"Yes," said Remus slowly and paused meaningfully once more, sighed and closed his eyes before he continued, "Severus."

At first Sirius was overtaken by confusion, believing that either Remus had accidentally addressed him by the wrong name – which offended him immensely – or that he had misheard what Remus had said. "Sorry?" he said when his mind started wandering into a direction that he didn't like at all.

Remus opened his eyes again, cleared his throat to win time and looked at his hands then back into Sirius's eyes. And then he said something that gave Sirius's stomach an unpleasant jolt. "The person I am talking about is Severus Snape."

Sirius gaped incredulously. Remus shifted uncomfortably. Not ashamed, no, worried. Worried that Sirius might turn away from him because he had chosen Sirius's archenemy as his lover. But no, this was a joke, wasn't it? Remus was playing a trick on him, he used the fact that Sirius couldn't read him to make a fool of him. But Remus could read everybody very well, and he was reading Sirius correctly right now.

"No, I am not joking," he said, taking a step towards Sirius who could only stare at him in increasingly disgusted disbelief. "Before you say anything, I don't want to hear anything about my being bewitched or poisoned or any insults. I'd like you to agree with me that you don't know him as well as I do and that I have every right to choose my partners as I wish."

Sirius opened and closed his mouth several times without actually producing a sound before he took a deep breath that brought some hot-blooded fury into his body. "Snape?" he spat contemptuously. "You want me to believe that you are _in love_ with Snape? Don't tell me you are letting him run his greasy fingers over –"

"Sirius," interrupted Remus in that insolent warning tone of his. Sirius hated that tone. It made him feel like a child. But when Remus gave him that stern, almost dangerous look, Sirius couldn't help but evade him.

"For how long has that been going on, then?" he snarled, crossing his arms. Again Remus hesitated.

"It started while I was teaching at Hogwarts," he said quietly, "then we … separated for a while and we decided to get back together a year ago."

"What?" Sirius cried, shot to his feet and balled his fists. Buckbeak raised his head and screeched irritably, shaking his wings. "All this time you kept this from me? All these times that I saw you standing together, sitting together, talking, you were involved with that greasy git?"

"Sirius –"

"Don't 'Sirius' me! You probably even had him stay in my house overnight," snapped Sirius loudly, brandishing a finger at Remus whose face was suddenly so very open, so very obviously caught in the act. With a cry of frustration, Sirius shuddered violently. "I can't believe it, all those times you locked the door –"

"Sirius," repeated Remus loudly as Sirius pressed his palms to his eyes to make the images go away, "could you pull yourself together and talk to me in a more civilised way?" Sirius stiffened, and when he removed his hands from before his eyes to stare at Remus, the werewolf's jaw was set in tense indignation and his eyes were hard and unyielding.

"You tell me to pull myself together?" said Sirius forcefully, and again Buckbeak screeched. "I'm not the one who's lost his mind! I mean, _Snape_? Surely you could – I mean, yeah, alright, you are a werewolf and not everyone is up to that but – surely you could have got someone better than _Snape_! He wanted to feed us – not just me, you too! – to the Dementors, by Merlin's longest staff! You can't be serious!"

Remus sighed heavily like an old man tired of a cheeky child's questions. "I did not choose Severus because I had no other choice, nor did I agree with everything that he did or said, on the other hand – I didn't agree with everything you did or said either and yet I am here with you. I seem to be attracted to imperfection." He paused as Sirius growled threateningly, not quite aware that he wasn't a dog at the moment. Yes, Remus was here now, but hadn't he been away very often without being able to give a satisfactory explanation for why and where he was going? Hadn't he been very close to Snape all year, hadn't it been so very obvious that Sirius as Remus's best friend, must have noticed? But no, how could he have noticed one change among many, when he didn't even know who Remus was anymore? Remus kept everything secret, let nothing show, it would have been impossible to see that he felt affection for Snape. Not to Snape though, surely, Snape knew Remus, he had implied it, he was closer to him than Sirius would ever be again. And suddenly all the snide remarks Snape had made about Remus made sense. Snape! Sirius couldn't bear that triumphant look on the greasy git's face. He couldn't believe that Remus would actually – he shuddered once more.

"I know that you don't like him, and I assure you that it is requited," continued Remus after a thoughtful silence, "but this is not about you, it is about me. About my feelings, which, I am sure, you are not indifferent to." One-nil to Remus. This man was more grown-up than Sirius would ever have thought. He knew exactly what he had to say to make Sirius feel guilty. And most importantly, he wasn't careful not to annoy Sirius like he had used to be as a boy. He wasn't scared of losing his friend, he was strong and independent. But perhaps nowadays he was scared to lose Snape. Merlin, what had happened to him while Sirius had been imprisoned? "I am not asking you to understand my feelings for Severus, I just want you to be aware of them, because the two of you are the most important parts of my life. Severus didn't want me to tell you about us but he's not your friend, I am, and I want it to remain that way."

"Ah, _Severus_ didn't want me to know, did he?" snarled Sirius, unable to step towards Remus because Buckbeak was lying between them, gnawing on a rat. "He must have known that I would want to chop his filthy hands off for touching you!"

At this Remus smiled, leaning back against the door. "I am not in need of a protective big brother, Sirius," he said softly, "though I do feel flattered. I would regret the loss of Severus's hands as I rather like his touching me." He chuckled when Sirius made a retching sound. "All I ask of you is to come to terms with this situation and try to hold your tongue in Severus's presence."

"Me?" asked Sirius in incredulous frustration. "And what about him? He's the one who – come on now, Remus – really – Snape? What's wrong with you? What do you see in him? What can there be that hasn't become evident to anyone else in thirty-six slimy years?"

"Padfoot, don't make me angry," said Remus and the change in his voice was like the whistling of an icy wind.

"But Remus, it's Snape, Snivellus!" Sirius entreated him, almost stumbling over Buckbeak as he wanted to approach Remus impulsively. But unintentionally he had said exactly the wrong thing to a man whose senses had apparently been ensnared by who-knew-what Snape hid under his black robes.

"Don't," said the werewolf coldly, "call him that! Never again, do you understand me? Severus Snape is not the boy he used to be, just like I am not the boy you used to know. If you even made an effort to find out who he really is, you could see what a great man he has become, far greater than any of us!"

"Great?" spat Sirius and in an instant he felt an anger boiling up inside him that he couldn't control. Raising his voice he stepped forward, colliding with Buckbeak who sprang to his feet, screeching loudly and flapping his wings into both their faces. "You call a man who bullies Harry whenever he gets a chance great? A guy who sacrifices people whenever he has a good excuse for it? Someone with the bloody Dark Mark on his arm – you do realise that those who have it needed to earn it? Severus Snape was a suspicious, dark bloke at school who turned into a ruthless, cold-blooded murderer and you have the nerve to call him great, here in my house, into my face? That man incorporates everything we fight against and you want to tell me you love him?"

When his voice died, Buckbeak was still flapping and screeching as if trying to stop the argument and it was unsure whether the words had even reached Remus on the other side of the room, feathers swirling round him, holding up his hands to protect his face from Buckbeak's wings. Sirius was breathing heavily, waiting impatiently for Remus to defend himself, to say something that could be turned against him. He had to be brought to his senses! But it seemed that Remus had changed just a little too much for Sirius to comprehend him. For him to comprehend Sirius.

When Buckbeak finally stopped raging, Remus let his arms sink, careful not to touch the hippogriff who had never seemed very fond of the werewolf. His face told of the fact that he had heard every single word Sirius had said about the man he loved – it was sad and disappointed and even a little desperate. Strange that Snape of all people would wipe that unfathomable mask off Remus's face and open a door Sirius hadn't been able to break in. Again his eyes turned that most remarkable shade of amber that must have something to do with the emotions Snape evoked in him. Sirius recoiled a little. There was something he had never seen in Remus in the many years they had known each other.

"I don't expect you to understand, Padfoot, but if you want an explanation for what you believe impossible, I can give you one," said Remus quietly, avoiding Buckbeak with so much grace as he tiptoed round him to the window that it was very visible that he was a different person from the young man Sirius had last seen fourteen years ago. Opening the window to let some fresh air into the dusty, feathery room, Remus took a deep breath and turned to Sirius who was still glaring daggers at him. "I don't want to deny that you have known loneliness during your years in prison. But though I was free, though I could go wherever I wanted, those who knew me turned away from me, those who met me couldn't know the truth about me or else they would not even shake my hand, would not look into my eyes … and then there comes Severus who, in the past, was all you accused him of being, who didn't want anything to do with me at first, who was rude and unforgiving and snarky, and he just loves me, the way I am, knowing what I am, unafraid of what I am, even though he has seen it, would almost have died from it. He touches me, he understands me, he is like me even though he isn't. And Severus Snape is close to nobody, he lets nobody come close to him, nobody but me – and he makes me feel special. I'd never felt special before I met him. And it is not the cruelty or the bullying, the ruthlessness that defines him, it is the passion and the devotion and the silent intensity of his that make him the man he is. The only reason why you don't understand my love for him, why nobody would understand, is that you don't know him like I do. There is a connection between us that cannot be compared to anything I've –"

"I see," interrupted Sirius angrily, "he is more important to you than me! You meet a guy who makes you believe he loves you and you turn away from me, side with him, you ignore everything he's done and everything that was between you and me!"

Remus sighed, the disappointment in his face growing. "You just don't understand, you don't listen," he said, running his hands through his hair. "Everything is about you, isn't it? No matter what I say, no matter if I'm happy after years of isolated misery, if it is Severus who makes me happy then you are sorry but that must be stopped … But there is no one else for me, Sirius, no one has ever really loved me, and I have never loved anyone like I love Severus. There is a certain quality in our relationship, we can be ourselves for once, there is no control, no hiding, no secret between us. I hoped that the same could be said of you and me."

"It is you who hides all the time, who doesn't show me what he feels!" cried Sirius reproachfully.

"And you think I am wrong in doing that?" prompted Remus like a teacher asking a student to give reasons for his conclusions. "Judging by your reaction to the most important thing I had to tell, do you think I was wrong in hiding?"

"Well you can't expect me to be delighted by such news!" said Sirius defensively. "Maybe I would have been less shocked if you had given me some insight into your life before now. No, scratch that, I cannot just accept the fact that you share Snape's bed while I am rotting in this house! I don't know what's become of you, Moony, no matter what nice things you tell me about Snape, I can't believe that you would love him, especially after everything he's done to you! He's told everyone that you're a werewolf, and I heard how he talked about you that night in the Shack, I haven't forgotten!"

"Nor have I," said Remus calmly. "But only because you cannot move on, that doesn't mean that the rest of us must stand still as well. Again I have the impression that you didn't listen to me at all. And predicting your argument concerning friendship: shouldn't a friend be able to reconcile his friend's choice of partner with his own hatred of that partner? Shouldn't you, even if you are incapable of comprehending it, accept my love for the man? Seeing that it makes me happy? There is no need for _you_ to grow attached to him. I'm sure Severus wouldn't want that, either."

"_Severus_," spat Sirius in disgust, "the way you say that name – as though he was a puppy dog."

"No," said Remus with the air of someone explaining to a five-year-old that there was no need to be afraid of girls, "it is love that you hear when I say that name. I think that Severus might not even be aware of it himself but he loves it when I call him by his name."

"I don't want to hear that!" said Sirius loudly, waving his hands to make Remus stop talking of things he couldn't bear listening to. "I would have thought you a little cleverer. Didn't it ever occur to you that he is just using you? That it's a favourite pastime of his to make a fool of you? Just because he tells you that he loves you, you believe him without question? A man whose job it is to lie?"

"He has never told me that he loves me," said Remus matter-of-factly, not at all annoyed by that fact, but Sirius just stared at him, even more incredulous than before. Then he laughed both angrily and pityingly, wondering if Remus had actually been lonely enough to be satisfied with such a shallow affair now.

"You are making it very easy on him," he spat, but it only made Remus smile.

"On the contrary," he replied mildly, and his eyes drifted into the distance again. "I believe nothing has ever been more complicated for him than being with me."

Sirius shook his head, giving up hope. Remus had gone insane, no doubt. Snape had fed him something, had promised him something, or maybe Remus was just mental. In any case, there was nothing to be done about this outrage. "It's no use trying to convince a mad man that he's mad," Sirius said softly and Remus gave him a slightly hurt look. "I love you, Moony, I really do, but this conversation is over."

"Padfoot," said Remus entreatingly, his brow furrowed in dissatisfaction.

"No, Moony, just … just leave me alone. Just – " But Sirius didn't get any further for in the same moment a silver Patronus burst through the window out of nowhere, galloping round the room to come to a halt before Remus whose eyes seemed suddenly warmer, whose lips formed an unconscious smile at the sight of the doe-shaped intruder that Sirius couldn't associate with any person he knew. And when it spoke it seemed unreal and illogical. For it was Snape's voice echoing through the room.

"Is Black still at Grimmauld Place?" were the only words it said before dissolving as suddenly as it had appeared. Sirius found Snape's voice astoundingly agitated but could pay little attention to that fact when he exchanged a confused look with Remus who was surely surprised because of the message and not because of the shape of the Patronus. Or because Snape had sent him one at all.

"I wonder why he would ask something like that," muttered Remus, slowly drawing his wand. "Something must be wrong."

But Sirius could only stare. "That was Snape's Patronus, wasn't it?" he asked incredulously and Remus nodded. "A doe? Honestly? Snape's Patronus is a doe?"

Remus smiled absent-mindedly as he waved his wand to send a reply to Snape. "Well, why not?" he said and cocked his head to one side. "This is the first time he has sent me one, but I once saw Albus taking a message from him … I told you that you don't know everything about him."

"You don't want to tell me he has the disposition of a doe?" retorted Sirius with a snort.

"Would you say that I have any resemblance to a raven?" asked Remus in return and Sirius fell silent for a moment.

"No," he said slowly, "but Snape has."

"I believe he will think by the same lines," chuckled Remus and Sirius couldn't help but wrinkle his nose. "Let's wait for his reply, I don't have a good feeling about his message."

And as soon as the words had left his mouth the doe returned, causing Sirius to jump and Remus to smile again. "Stand by, I will send another message later. Stay where you are and wait for me."

The tender care in Snape's voice was shocking. It was a tone that Sirius had never heard in him, could never have imagined in that cold voice of his. But no, it wasn't cold now, it was warm and with confusion Sirius heard that same caress in Snape's voice that he had heard in Remus's earlier when speaking about him.

Remus Lupin's expression was usually unfathomable. But right now when his best friend Sirius Black considered him with narrowed eyes, Severus Snape's low voice just having left the room, it was evident what he was feeling. That special shade of amber that his eyes would sometimes take was closely connected to that strange affection of his. Sirius knew it would never be the same between them. And it was not the fact that Remus had fallen in love with Severus Snape of all people that made him think so, he supposed it could have been anyone, the jealousy would have been just as strong, had it been someone else. It was the fact that Remus had moved on, that he was building a life with someone else, excluding Sirius instead of including him in his happiness. It was the fact that Remus was mature and reasonable enough to start a relationship with a man who had once hated him, was turning away from Sirius towards someone else out of love while Sirius could not develop or move or change at all in the situation he was in. It was the fact that Snape knew Sirius's best friend better than Sirius did. He was feeling left alone. And he couldn't forgive either Remus or Snape for this.

But as he watched Remus glow with that irrational love for a murderous Death Eater, he didn't want to admit all that to himself. He didn't want to admit his egoistic fear of being left behind by everyone who was important to him. Instead he insisted on believing that Remus was wrong about that man he felt so close to, the man that made him feel special. And he told himself that Severus Snape would definitely hurt Remus sooner or later, and then, Remus would regret not having listened to Sirius, who had a neutral view of things. It was Remus's best that Sirius wanted, not his own. But Remus knew what Sirius was feeling, it was evident in his voice when he made conversation to while away the time until Snape's next call. Remus was not to be figured out, but he could figure out everyone. And the fact that he didn't blame Sirius for his thoughts made clear why he could love a man like Snape. And why he could be friends with Sirius. Sirius who didn't want to share him with anyone. Remus was too good for the both of them.


	31. Second Step

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling, especially the excerpts from Harry Potter and the Halfblood-Prince.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT, implied AD/GG

Author Notes: After a longer wait, I've managed to complete chapter one of part two. I hope you're still with me and ready for another few chapters of Severus/Remus. In this chapter there's a lot of Albus and I wanted to make him more of a human-being, and somebody Severus could actually relate to. Severus is closest to him, so Dumbledore is going to disclose quite a few secrets throughout HPB and I rather liked to write it. But he is also very manipulative. I still don't know if I like him or not ^^ ... Well, please enjoy.   


Kiraling: About chapter 29: You know, since I cannot have R/S as a canon pairing, I rather like Tonks/Remus, but through this fic I somehow feel less approving of it ... Probably because Severus hates the idea ^^, but they will have some happiness, and you needn't be so pessimistic, maybe they will not part forever. Oh, Jo's Voldy does seem ignorant and stupid sometimes, doesn't he? Somehow I always imagined that he must have more depths thank you for the compliment :D ... I must have Sev suffering because of Lily, and I think he would, not only because it's canon. In HBP he will think a lot about it and his feelings develop a bit. About the bonus chapter: Yeah, I felt that it was an important aspect of their friendship that they tried to keep it up even though they had grown apart. I grew attached to Sirius when I wrote that chapter, and I did want to write it so people could understand what he feels. And Remus is not alone like Sirius is, so I suppose it is alright to feel with Sirius more than with Remus ;). Thanks for staying with me :).

soniakay: Aww, I'm glad that it moved you :). Imagine me crying while I'm writing, it happens a lot ;). And the bonus chapter was for my loyal readers and reviewers, I liked to write it, and I'm glad you liked it.

Resevius: I'm glad you reviewed, no matter when ;). Glad you liked the chapter, it was difficult to write. And I always thought that there must be something more to Voldy. I suppose something did go wrong in his childhood, I agree with you there. Tonks and Lily, those two really give me nightmares ;). I'm really happy for you! It's great when something like that happens, and I'm always glad to help :D. About Remus losing his mystery: that was exactly my thinking :D. It is essential that nobody knows what he is thinking. And will Severus ever tell McGonagall ... uh, well, uhm ... I don't think so ;). But who knows?

Emily-pino: Oh, please stalk me, go ahead! ;) It's great that I could make you feel with Sirius, because (even though I'm not a big fan of his) he is really having a hard time and his side is rather tragic. I felt him too while I was writing the chapter. Still it was important to me to explain Remus's feelings for Severus, even if it was only a short explanation, because there _are_ reasons, he doesn't just like difficult guys and I didn't just make it so to be able to write a story, I actually thought about Remus's feelings and thoughts before writing this ;). Makes it more real even to me ;). Still I think some of the charm of the story comes from the fact that Severus really has this limited view of things and we never get to see what happens from anybody else's point of view. At the same time it is interesting to use somebody else's eyes to look at Remus because he is so perfect and handsome and kind in Severus's eyes. Others see him in a different light. For example only Severus would describe Remus's eyes as golden :). Hope you like this chapter too!

**Part Two - Travelling**

_Let me confess that we two must be twain,__  
__Although our undivided loves are one:__  
__So shall those blots that do with me remain,__  
__Without thy help, by me be borne alone.__  
__In our two loves there is but one respect,__  
__Though in our lives a separable spite,__  
__Which though it alter not love's sole effect,__  
__Yet doth it steal sweet hours from love's delight.__  
__I may not evermore acknowledge thee,__  
__Lest my bewailed guilt should do thee shame,__  
__Nor thou with public kindness honour me,__  
__Unless thou take that honour from thy name:__  
__But do not so, I love thee in such sort,__  
__As thou being mine, mine is thy good report._

**William Shakespeare, Sonnet 36**

_**Second Step**_

It was one day to the full moon, Remus had just fallen asleep – finally – and Severus felt himself slowly seized by sleep too, his eyelids drooping as the pale light of the almost full moon dimmed, probably due to a cloud blocking its way. But just as he was giving in to exhaustion there was a new light in the room, flickering, speaking. A speaking light? And it knew his name.

"Sev … erus," it said, its voice broken and unclear.

Severus sat up in bed, careful to make no noise that could wake the sleeping werewolf, whose slow breathing was louder than the light's thin voice. After looking around the dark bedroom for the light's source, Severus found a Patronus sitting on the foot of the bed, flickering in and out of focus, looking at Severus with serene eyes. But Severus could hear in the voice that was issuing from it that the man who had sent it was not in the slightest serene. It sounded as if he was dying.

"Help … Severus, help … me … Hogwarts, quick …" rasped the thin voice and the Patronus Fawkes flickered again and disappeared.

Severus stared for a moment that was far too long. Then he jumped out of bed in a haste, waking Remus in the process but without time to apologise. He pulled his robes over his head and fastened its clasps as quickly as possible, taking his wand from the nightstand, hobbling to the door while pulling his trousers up to his hips.

"Sev'r's," croaked Remus after him, "where're you goin'?"

But Severus ignored him, there was no time to lose. If Albus sent such a message there couldn't be much life left in him. He thundered down the stairs, Remus's voice ringing in his ears as he called him fearfully. But no, no turning back, only forward now, to Hogwarts, to Albus, before Death could make it there! Not Albus! No, not Albus, not yet! Not another one he was afraid to lose – and he realised that only now.

Severus stumbled and fell to the ground as he Apparated to the iron-wrought gates of Hogwarts Castle and he scrambled to his feet in a hurry, wrenching open the gates and not bothering to shut them behind him as he ran flat out past Hagrid's hut, along the lake, to the stone steps and into the Entrance Hall. He hurtled through the castle and cursed his robes as they caught on a suit of armour, which crashed to the floor with such loud banging that it would have woken the whole castle, had it not been empty. Severus found the gargoyle already waiting for him and could pass it and ascend the stairs, shouldering open the door with such force that his arm hurt from it. But all pain was forgotten when Severus found Albus, sagging in his chair, mouth gaping, eyes half-closed in eerie oblivion, his hand black as if burned and still smouldering.

Severus strode over to him, only stopping when he found a ring on the desk, ornamented with a cracked stone, and beside it Gryffindor's sword. Severus examined the ring carefully, taking out his wand to touch it, for he, unlike Albus, obviously, could see even from two feet away that this ring was better left alone. He felt the curse pulsing through the room, Dark magic radiating from the ring as his wand tip touched it. Severus had no time to waste on wondering what Albus had been doing with a cursed ring – acting automatically, he hurried to the fireplace and flooed right to his office, throwing open the door to his lab and the one to his storeroom, striding to the very back of it to rummage through one of the upper shelves until he found a big bottle of Felix Felicis, enough liquid luck for a month but maybe too little for Albus. Conjuring a goblet from thin air, Severus returned to his fireplace and flooed back to Albus, who had – if possible – grown paler and closer to death still in the short interval. Severus poured the Felix into the goblet and tossed the bottle into the fireplace as he walked towards Albus rather more timidly than he should have. Only now did his terror return to him. What would he do if Albus died? How would he – _but no, no such thoughts, now focus_! What to do?

Severus considered Albus's blackened hand, rolling up his sleeve to find the curse ascending, having already reached the elbow. _Best try and contain it in his hand_, thought Severus, passing a hand over his face feverishly. But there was no stopping it, there was no healing the damage it had done, Severus knew this kind of curse, he had so many forbidden books, knew them all by heart, knew counter-curses enough … but there was no preventing the inevitable. Severus seized his wand tightly and lifted the goblet to Albus's gaping lips, forcing him to swallow the luck he needed bitterly, while pointing his wand at Albus's injured hand to make it a prison cell for the fatal curse. He muttered under his breath all the incantations he could think of, all that might be useful, all that could possibly, with enough luck, help Albus survive, if just for a little longer. Long enough for him to tell Severus why the hell he was such a fool! Why did he have to get himself killed after so many years, far over a hundred years of awesome magic? Never an opponent or a task that could even come close to defeating him and now he put a ring to his finger that was so evidently deathly that even Potter would have seen it.

And indeed, the black curse pulled back into the hand it had originally entered by and Severus managed to contain it there, lock it in for a while until the curse would grow strong enough to break the restraints and Albus would be devoured by it. But for now Death had been thwarted. And Albus came round, his eyes fluttering open. Severus sat back and put his wand away, setting the goblet down on the table as Albus's eyes turned on him.

"Why," said Severus and had to work hard to keep fear, worry and anger out of his voice, "_why_ did you put on that ring? It carries a curse, surely you realised that. Why even touch it?"

Albus grimaced, as if utterly disappointed, even angry with himself. "I … was a fool. Sorely tempted …"

"Tempted by what?" asked Severus but received no answer. He hated it when Albus didn't answer. He hated it that Albus knew all about him and he so little about Albus, and that Albus wanted to maintain it that way for any price. What was there that was so secret, so shameful that he would not tell it to Severus who had done so many terrible and shameful things in his life? But then again, Severus didn't talk to him about Remus, either, which didn't change the fact that Albus knew. And Severus knew that the one who gave in to temptation was not to be blamed. He would have to blame himself too. But he could and would not accuse himself of stupidity!

"It is a miracle you managed to return here!" snapped Severus furiously, anger being the strongest emotion as usual, the one he was most familiar with. "That ring carried a curse of extraordinary power, to contain it is all we can hope for; I have trapped the curse in one hand for the time being –"

Albus raised his blackened hand to look at it curiously, interestedly, as if he was only mildly concerned and not even aware that it was his own hand he was considering. "You have done very well, Severus. How long do you think I have?" he said rather casually and it drove Severus mad that he was so utterly indifferent to his own approaching death. It was hard for Severus not to care. It was impossible. And he didn't want to say what he was thinking, but he had to. He was no Healer, but he knew curses better even than Albus.

"I cannot tell. Maybe a year. There is no halting such a spell forever. It will spread, eventually, it is the sort of curse that strengthens over time."

The news didn't seem to worry Albus, in fact he seemed rather pleased. He didn't care that he was leaving everyone who held him dear behind. Everyone who relied on him. And Severus. Albus just smiled. Smiled Death in the face. "I am fortunate, extremely fortunate, that I have you, Severus," said he kindly, endowing Severus with a fatherly look as he uttered the words that reminded Severus so much of what Remus used to tell him.

"If you had only summoned me a little earlier, I might have been able to do more, buy you more time!" said Severus, furious, so furious, so desperate, so regretful. He should have offered his help to Albus when he had told him that he had some things to attend to, he should have assisted him in what he had wanted to do. He looked down at the ring and the sword that were gleaming in the torchlight and wondered what he could have assisted with, what had been so important about this ugly ring, that Albus had risked his life for it. And suddenly it made illogical sense that Albus would have returned to Hogwarts. "Did you think that breaking the ring would break the curse?"

"Something like that … I was delirious, no doubt …" replied Albus as he straightened himself in his chair which was painful to watch. And yet Severus thought the old man was keeping something from him once again. "Well, really, this makes matters much more straightforward," continued Albus and Severus gave him a confused look. Apparently he had missed something in his tired mind, and indeed, he had a much harder time getting over the fact that the man sitting before him was sentenced to death. Albus smiled. "I refer to the plan Lord Voldemort is revolving around me. His plan to have the poor Malfoy boy murder me."

Severus sank into the chair opposite Albus and gave up on trying to force the subject of his blackened hand as Albus showed him he wasn't interested. Instead Severus had to talk about other unpleasant topics. Since Severus had returned home, and home meant – in this case – Remus's house, he had paid the remaining Malfoys a visit and had a very uncomfortable and disturbing confrontation with Draco. Severus felt his usual scowl returning to his worried face and gave in to Albus's attempt to make him talk about it.

"The Dark Lord does not expect Draco to succeed. This is merely punishment for Lucius's recent failures. Slow torture for Draco's parents, while they watch him fail and pay the price."

"In short, the boy has had a death sentence pronounced upon him as surely as I have," said Albus and Severus hated him for it. "Now, I should have thought the natural successor to the job, once Draco fails, is yourself?"

Severus didn't say anything for a few moments. He didn't want to think about it. Didn't want to admit it. Couldn't bear where this conversation was inevitably leading. Could barely hold back his premature grief about Albus's death. But there was an answer to Albus's question. An answer that Severus had been too timid to give to Remus many months ago. "That, I think, is the Dark Lord's plan," he said quietly, being rather more vague than he would have needed to be. A plain 'yes' would have been more accurate. But he couldn't possibly say it.

"Lord Voldemort foresees a moment in the near future when he will not need a spy at Hogwarts?"

"He believes the school will soon be in his grasp, yes."

"And if it does fall in his grasp," said Albus and it seemed as if he didn't doubt that outcome, "I have your word that you will do all in your power to protect the students of Hogwarts?"

Severus gave a stiff nod, to him it was not a question that needed to be asked. He had always fulfilled his duty. He would never let anything happen to the children. He wondered if anyone knew. He wondered if it wasn't better that they didn't know.

"Good. Now then. Your first priority will be to discover what Draco is up to. A frightened teenage boy is a danger to others as well as to himself. Offer him help and guidance, he ought to accept, he likes you –"

" – much less since his father has lost favour. Draco blames me, he thinks I have usurped Lucius's position," contradicted Severus, thinking defiantly that he had never needed to take anyone's place or profit from anyone's failures to gain a better position. It was his own skill that had brought him to the Dark Lord's right hand … And he realised he shouldn't be proud of it.

"All the same, try," said Albus dismissively, obviously unaware just how stubborn teenage boys could be. "I am concerned less for myself than for accidental victims or whatever schemes might occur to the boy. Ultimately, of course, there is only one thing to be done if we are to save him from Lord Voldemort's wrath."

Severus raised his eyebrows and couldn't help his usual sarcastic mocking to seep into his voice as he replied. "Are you intending to let him kill you?"

"Certainly not," said Albus and looked at Severus with his twinkling blue eyes. "_You_ must kill me."

Severus stared at him, absolutely shocked for a moment, incredulous. He had known that this conversation was turning into an unpleasant direction. Albus could not possibly expect him – Severus – to kill him, actually kill him after just having saved his life. Didn't he know the consequences? Didn't he know that Severus had enough of killing? That he had enough of losing everyone at his own hands? And what would Remus say? _Oh, you have to kill Dumbledore? Would you like milk in your tea? _Certainly not!

Behind Severus Fawkes was making horrid sounds as he gnawed on some bone and Severus found it a perfect background noise for his thoughts. He was suddenly angry again. Angry that Albus only thought of himself, that he expected Severus to take his life cold-bloodedly, even if it was doomed anyway, that he would have him suffer the consequences on his own. And he wanted to shout at him that he couldn't, wouldn't risk … losing Remus. Instead he returned to his familiar friend, sarcasm.

"Would you like me to do it now?" asked Severus, his voice dripping with irony. "Or would you like a few moments to compose an epitaph?"

"Oh, not quite yet," said Albus, smiling insolently. Severus wished he could strangle him. He wondered when it would please Albus to be killed by his most loyal friend … or rather servant. "I daresay the moment will present itself in due course. Given what has happened tonight, we can be sure that it will happen within a year."

For a moment Severus caught himself considering Albus's accident a lucky coincidence, for he was not quite sure if Albus wouldn't have asked the same of him, had he not been dying. Then he slapped himself mentally and felt suddenly cold. This was real. This was serious. Albus wanted Severus to murder him.

"If you don't mind dying, why not let Draco do it?" snapped Severus, furious, furious with Albus for all that he made him endure.

"That boy's soul is not yet so damaged," explained Albus matter-of-factly. "I would not have it ripped apart on my account."

"And my soul, Dumbledore? Mine?" said Severus angrily. Obviously, just as he had thought, his well-being was of no concern, either. His soul had already been ripped into so many pieces that he could barely count them and a soul healed slowly, even with a werewolf tending to it. And after this particular deed, Severus doubted that even Remus would be strong enough to forgive. It meant nothing to Albus.

"You alone know whether it will harm your soul to help an old man avoid pain and humiliation," said Albus disarmingly. "I ask this one, great favour from you, Severus, because death is coming for me as surely as the Chudley Cannons will finish bottom of this year's league. I confess I should prefer a quick, painless exit to the protracted and messy affair it will be if, for instance, Greyback is involved – I hear Voldemort has recruited him? Or dear Bellatrix who likes to play with her food before she eats it."

Albus acted as if it was a chat about who was to organise his next birthday party but Severus had got the hint. He saw it in Albus's blue eyes, in the way he looked at him, that Albus was indeed asking a huge favour because he feared suffering and … maybe because it was crucial to him that Severus should play his designated part in his well prepared plan. Severus felt that he had been asked a thousand favours in the past years but he had been paid back for them. And he could not decline. Even though he preferred the amber eyes over the blue ones.

He nodded curtly. Albus was satisfied. And Severus knew that, now, there was no turning back. The promise had been made.

"Thank you, Severus …" said Albus softly and Severus bent his head in resignation. His mind was chaotic and his heart racing. He had agreed, yes, but would he be able to do it, once the moment arrived? He doubted himself. And he didn't want to regret it. He hoped dearly that he wouldn't be able to do it. And at the same time he knew he must, for it was Dumbledore's brilliant plan that was at stake. Severus saw that plan. He would become headmaster once Dumbledore was gone and the Dark Lord had seized power. He would be in charge of the children's safety. He needed the Dark Lord's full trust to carry out Dumbledore's orders, and how better gain it than by killing Dumbledore himself? A brilliant plan indeed. And highly difficult.

Severus got up from his chair very forcefully and he swayed a little when he turned to the fireplace. He didn't get far. "Severus, wait a minute," said Dumbledore's voice, now firm again. "I need you to understand that it is crucial you do not tell anyone."

Severus turned round again and glowered down at him. Not telling Remus that Dumbledore was dying of some curse and that he would be relieved of his suffering by Severus sometime in the near future was impossible. Not only because Remus was likely to squeeze it out of him, but also because Severus would definitely lose him, should he carry out the plan without Remus's knowledge.

Albus was aware of his thoughts. "When you return home tonight," he continued, considering Severus over his half-moon spectacles, "do not tell him about anything I have told you, anything that was discussed. It is absolutely necessary that my nearing death remains a secret between you and me, that nobody knows that we have an agreement that includes your killing me on my wish."

Severus was defiant. He didn't want that. There was just one person in his life he could actually confide in and now he was supposed to keep everything from him that weighed so heavy on his already burdened shoulders? "You cannot expect me to keep it quiet from him," snapped Severus, already beyond denying that Remus and he were much more than fleeting acquaintances. Albus knew they were, though how he had found out was a mystery to Severus. "What harm will it do if he knows? I will tell him to keep it a secret!"

Albus shook his head with a sad smile. "I am sorry, Severus, but you need to understand that everyone – I say, everyone – must believe you to have betrayed the Order, and me, to serve Lord Voldemort. They must not doubt your allegiance. And Remus, I am afraid, would do anything to convince them that you aren't evil. Would perhaps let something slip, or be too poor an actor to conceal what he knows. Or worse, he might be caught communicating with you and believed a traitor himself. It is most important that you and I are the only two people to know that you are not serving Lord Voldemort. Otherwise your master will find out and our wonderful plan will fail."

"Our plan?" spat Severus angrily. "I have no idea what plan you are referring to! You order me to protect Potter, I do it, you order me to teach him Occlumency, I try my best, you ask me to kill you, I agree, but you never so much as hint at how you are going to defeat the Dark Lord, you keep it all secret, so don't talk about '_our plan_'! You ask me to put everything at stake that holds me upright but you refuse to tell me what use it will be!"

"I promise you," said Albus calmly and his eyes were so sad that Severus barely recognised them, "that you will lose nothing."

Severus made a harsh movement with his arm to dismiss those words. "What do you know?"

"Remus always speaks well of you," said Albus with a smile. "I have never experienced him to keep quiet while others doubted your trustworthiness."

"He shouldn't," muttered Severus. "I've told him before, he disgraces himself by speaking well of someone like me."

"Oh, but, Severus, he, like me, cannot understand why others would doubt you, would not respect you like we do," replied Albus and when Severus huffed irritably he went on, "Everyone is a fool when they are young, not only you have made mistakes, I have, too. Even graver mistakes, since, if I may say so, the greatest minds commit the greatest follies. But you have only to be strong enough to correct them. Like I did, and like you did."

"A little late, wasn't it?" said Severus, crossing his arms over his chest, and remembering the disgusted look on Albus's face, the scathing in his eyes when they had met in the dead of night many years ago. This man had no reason to love him, and neither had Remus.

"It is never too late to correct one's mistakes, Severus," contradicted Albus, sadder still. "Though I admit, I was oftentimes tempted to agree with you in my own case of follies."

Severus sank back into the chair opposite Albus and felt like a student, talking to his teacher about some case of severe heartache. "He will not forgive me your murder," he whispered, unwilling to say it too loudly. Unwilling to admit that it was inevitable. "He will hate me. Like everyone else."

"He will do no such thing, Severus," said Albus firmly, leaning forward in his chair. "No matter how wrong it seems to him, no matter how disappointed he will be, how shocked or angry, he will forgive you …"

Severus shot him a vicious glare. "Why are you so sure?" he hissed. "What makes you believe that anyone would forgive that? I cannot even expect him to."

"He will not be able to help it," smiled Albus knowingly and suddenly he seemed thoughtful. After a moment's silence he nodded to himself with that same sad smile and sat up straight again, staring intently at Severus. "You see, Severus, I was once in love, too," he said and the sudden insight into Albus's private life was so shocking for Severus that he merely stared back at the old man. "When I was a very young man, a mere boy little older than Harry is now, I was in a very difficult situation. I had to care for my family alone, my mother had died, my father as you might know was in prison. At that difficult time in my life, there appeared a person who made my days lighter, my life easier to bear and suddenly I didn't feel confined to Godric's Hollow anymore, deprived of all freedom, but I was happy, happier than ever, because I had met someone who was so much like me, who could talk to me on eyelevel, whose magic was by no means inferior to mine … that person was brilliant and clever and cunning and … now that I talk of him like that it seems wrong to me, but love makes us blind Severus, so utterly blind …"

Severus listened transfixed, so surprised by Albus's unusual disclosure of his earlier life that he didn't want to say anything and perhaps stop the flow of words that seemed to be relieved to have finally escaped Albus's lips. Albus sighed and the reminiscent look on his face turned into a bitterness that Severus knew only too well.

"We developed plans, Severus, great, horrible plans, that I drank in just because they were uttered by his lips, and I was fascinated with him and his ideas, and I supported them, wanted to help him realise them … until an accident happened in my family … that opened my eyes. He left, and I was determined never to speak to him again. Never to see him again. Suddenly cruelly aware of my own foolhardiness. And you might have thought from a certain point of view that I had corrected my mistake too late. Yet, here I am, talking to a former Death Eater, fighting evil."

He smiled bitterly at Severus who was surprised how much Albus could tell while leaving the most important facts out. He was wondering where the story was leading. And Albus didn't seem to want to make him wait.

"But I did see him again … and when I did, he had changed so much, had become ruthless and cruel, had committed countless unforgivable, horrid crimes, that you would think I would have hated him," continued Albus, his healthy hand gripping the edge of the desk very hard. "But I could not hate him, because at the same time he had not changed at all, was still the same energetic, eager, brilliant man I had fallen in love with and I tried very hard to avoid the inevitable. I didn't want to face him in duel, I was scared of it. I was terribly selfish. But when time elapsed, it was necessary, I could no longer put it off, I had to end his path of destruction and death. And I fought him, and I won," he indicated his wand on the table, "this is all I have left of him now."

"Did you still love him?" asked Severus, breaking his silence for he needed to know, needed to be sure that this was what Albus had tried to tell him.

Albus nodded. "I did. Despite everything he had done, despite the time that had passed, the deaths and cruelties he had caused, I loved him. That is why I waited till the last moment had arrived before I faced him on the battlefield."

"How could you fight him?" asked Severus so quietly that he wasn't sure Albus would catch it. He imagined fighting Remus, possibly risking his death, and winning. It seemed an impossibility. "And win …"

Albus looked at the ceiling, folding his hands on the table with a little wince. "I believe," he said slowly, "that it was only possible because he loved me too, was hindered by the same scruples as I – which, I must admit, puts my mind a little more at ease because it shows me he was not quite as evil as everyone thought, just misguided, gravely, fatally misguided. And in the end I was just a bit better."

"Did you kill him?" asked Severus softly and could only call to mind one of Dumbledore's well-known battles with Dark wizards and that was the one with Gellert Grindelwald. But that couldn't be what Albus was referring to. Albus shook his head, his sad smile wavering.

"Oh, no," he said softly, "I could never have killed him. I took his wand and he was brought to prison. Not Azkaban … a prison on the continent, and he is there still. You see, Severus, the wrong that is done by our loved ones hurts us so much more than the wrong that is done by those we hate, and yet – and yet it is so much easier, natural even, to forgive those we love a major crime, than to forgive those we hate a mere joke. And love is stubborn, Severus, very stubborn, indeed. It just won't leave us alone once it has seized us, no matter how hard we try to shake it off."

Severus looked at Dumbledore's wand and imagined it to have been, for all these years, a reminder of the one he loved, the one he had not been able to hold on to, and lost in the end. He felt very close to Albus in that moment. Felt, for the first time, that they were not quite as dissimilar as he had always thought. He liked the idea that Albus had made mistakes in his past too, not always been perfect. It made him much more human. As did his story. And Severus actually felt comforted by the solace Albus had given, the reassurance he had offered.

"Your wand?" asked Severus, trying to distract Albus from the truth he had told not only about himself but also about Remus and, indeed, Severus.

"Not my wand," said Albus quietly and shook his head slowly, "never my wand. It is just with me for the time being. It has only been passed on to me because I defeated its former master. Hopefully I will be its last master, but who knows?"

Severus looked at him in bewilderment. "I don't know you to have another wand … have you ever since been using his wand?"

"My original wand is here," said Albus, getting up rather swiftly, seeming stronger than Severus would have believed him to be, and striding to one of his glass cabinets to open its door and take out a long wooden box. "I fear I have neglected it sorely. I haven't used it in … why, yes, fifty years now …"

Severus got up and joined him at the cabinet to look into the box that Albus held out to him. Severus was astounded at how plain a wand it was, straight and barely ornamented. "Why did you stop using it?" asked Severus while he was still pondering the fifty years Albus had mentioned, since fifty years would only leave the battle with Gellert Grindelwald as a possibility. But surely at that time there had existed several powerful wizards who needed to be stopped.

"Well, it was not as powerful, and not as dangerous as the one I had won," he explained and chuckled. "I must admit I might have been a little sentimental as well."

Severus narrowed his eyes at him as he put his hands in his pockets and strolled back to the desk. "Why are you telling me all this?" asked Severus curiously. "You never talked about yourself. And now you disclose one secret after the other."

Albus lowered himself on the desk in front of Severus and gave him an intent look. Then he smiled. "I believe I owe it to you to be a little more honest with you. After all you don't ask someone to kill you everyday … and to 'put at stake everything that holds them upright' …"

Severus averted his eyes, embarrassment burning in his stomach. Anything would be forgiven, Remus had said so, at least. He shouldn't worry more than necessary. There was no way out. No going back, just forward. And Severus realised he had no other choice but to risk losing Remus like he had lost … and the pain in his chest was excruciating. He couldn't do it. He would fail. He couldn't even think about how it would be to bear it.

"Yes," he pressed, "I will do you this one last favour … and I hope you feel guilty for doing this to me."

"Of course I do," said Albus, laying his healthy hand on Severus's shoulder to squeeze it. "I know I have always made you go through too much. But always remember that it will serve a greater purpose."

"I might not care … I might not want to sacrifice myself to your bloody purpose," said Severus roughly and stepped back from Albus. The old man smiled knowingly at him and Severus had no doubt about the fact that he was about to tell him that he was much too noble, too Gryffindor to be indifferent to the fate of the wizarding world. Severus wasn't in the mood for such insults. He heard them often enough from Remus's mouth. "Do you … still love him?" he asked to distract Albus a second time and Albus cocked his head to one side thoughtfully.

"In a way …" he replied softly. "Good night, Severus, I am deeply in your debt."

Severus looked at him for a long moment, then he turned away and walked to the fireplace to floo back to Remus. He took some Floo powder and turned back to Albus. "That man … he wouldn't happen to be …"

"An old man may keep a few secrets," smiled Albus, his eyes twinkling again. "I believe there is someone waiting for you."

Severus stiffened and scowled, tossing the powder into the fire which flared green to let him step through it. When his feet touched Remus's floorboards, the living room was silent and dark but from above his head, Severus could hear pacing steps. He had made Remus wait. He wondered what to say to him; for the first time he lied to Remus because it was absolutely necessary, and he hated it. After a moment's hesitation, Severus walked through the living room into the hall and ascended the stairs silently, slowly, towards the pacing werewolf.

As he reached the door, he leant against its frame and considered Remus, who was walking from the foot of the bed to the wall and back again in an oval, arms folded, forehead creased. The moonlight was illuminating his path and whenever it touched him he twitched slightly, and his breath quickened. Severus wondered if he had been pacing ever since Severus had left to save Albus, and suddenly the full impact of what had happened hit him and he felt as if his legs would give way any moment now. But surely, surely, in the end Albus would manage to fight the curse and would abandon the plan that Severus had reluctantly, idiotically, agreed to? He would outlive Severus for sure! But only if Severus found a way to first utter the Avada Kedavra and then kill himself quickly enough to die before the spell reached Albus. And what use would that be to anyone? He wasn't thinking sense anymore. He was a complete wreck. His mind was swirling. And he held firmly onto what Albus had said about the man he had loved, notwithstanding his many crimes. And he wondered whether Albus might not just have made it up to comfort him, or to make him comply with his wishes. Severus was good at torturing himself. And there was something that he could tell Remus.

"Couldn't your exercise have waited till tomorrow?" asked Severus quietly and the werewolf whirled round with wide eyes, sighing when realising that Severus had returned and sinking onto the bed as if there was no strength left in his body after pacing for so long.

"Thank Merlin," he breathed, rubbing his eyes. "I thought something had happened to you."

Severus approached him slowly, sitting down beside him without touching him, and looked out of the window at the nearly full moon. He felt his hands shaking and folded them to hide it from Remus. Where would Albus go when he died? The train that would take him there had already been chosen, but Severus wondered if he was in the slightest worried as to the beyond. He wished he could ask Remus.

"Where have you been?" asked Remus quietly and he seemed slightly irritated. "You didn't even say where you were going."

"There was no time," said Severus and his voice sounded much too loud for the small room and the quiet situation. "I had to help Albus. He … had a little accident."

"Is he alright?" said Remus quickly, his golden eyes sparkling in the moonlight.

Severus hesitated, meeting Remus's inquiring eyes with great difficulty. He knew he must answer, and he knew what he must answer, and never had a blunt lie left his lips so reluctantly. "Yes," he croaked, only then noticing the treacherous lump in his throat. He cleared it. "Yes, he is fine now … I was able to keep the curse he has come across at bay. He has sustained an irrevocable injury, though."

Remus nodded slowly and his soft hand touched Severus's cheek and brushed his black hair out of his face. "How lucky he is to have you," smiled Remus, apparently forgetting his irritation at Severus immediately.

"He is," agreed Severus and a mirthless smile passed over his face. It was hard to suppress the grief that was threatening to follow and Remus must have seen a shadow of it, for he frowned and leant in to seal Severus's lips with his own. Severus seized his upper arms and pulled him closer, as he withdrew, putting their foreheads together. He felt Remus's breath on his face and tried to be soothed, but he was so tense, so shaken, so utterly messed-up that he could not calm down. And Remus's uneasy squirming didn't help, either.

"You are hurting me," whispered the werewolf and Severus opened his eyes in surprise, loosening his iron grip on Remus's arms.

"I … I couldn't relax at all since … you must make me calm down!" said Severus urgently, overwhelmed by the night's events and indeed the events of the past months. He could not bear the knowledge that he would in the near future not only lose Albus to some wicked curse, but also Remus to Albus's wonderful purpose. He knew he would lose him, there was no preventing it. And what was worse: Remus would believe him to be a traitor, to have deceived him all the time, to have used him, possibly. It was unbearable. It was pure torture. He would tell Albus that he couldn't do it. But that was impossible too. It was like being trapped in a profound well with no foothold and no corners to hide in around the circular walls.

"What a night," sighed Remus and pulled Severus's robes off his sagging shoulders, pushing him down on the mattress where he lay tense and cold until the werewolf joined him and pulled the blanket over them both. His gentle hand rubbed soothing circles over Severus's chest and his lips touched Severus's jaw ever so slightly. Severus felt the tension seep out of his body with every completed circle that Remus drew on his chest and when he closed his eyes he thought he could finally set his mind in order again before maybe even drifting off to sleep. He could not keep himself from laying his arm around Remus, pressing him against his side very tightly. Maybe … but no, expecting the worst was better in this situation. It enabled him to use the time that was left till doomsday more deliberately. If only he knew exactly how much time was left. And as his tired mind rolled over and over, he wondered for a moment if the confession that was due, which it was about time to make, would perhaps make Remus forgive alleged murder and betrayal. And just before he fell asleep he thought he had almost seized enough courage to answer out loud instead of just in his thoughts as Remus said those quiet words.

"I love you."

But as usual, Severus's lips were sealed, his tongue was tied, and he disliked himself for his timidity. And for the fact that Remus didn't urge him, didn't expect a reply. That might just ensure that he would distance himself from Severus as soon as the horrible deed had been done, because he doubted Severus already, otherwise he would force him to answer, wouldn't he? Severus felt weak. And indeed like dying when sleep engulfed him.


	32. Request And Agree

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling, especially the excerpts from Harry Potter and the Halfblood-Prince.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT, implied AD/GG

Author Notes: Hello, everybody :) took me longer than I thought ... There's a lot going on in this chapter ... yeah and what about Wormtail? What the heck is he doing in Severus's house and do we ever learn when he returns to Malfoy Manor? Anyway, sorry for leaving out Bella and Narcissa's visit, that scene is too long and leaves little room for onterpretation, I didn't want you to just read that chapter again from Sev's perspective. I'll try to upload faster next time. Thanks for reading :).

Kiraling: You know, I like Grindelore (or Dumblewald or whatever, I love these ship-names :)) too, and in my version they really play a role, so ... expect more of those talks. Dumbledore just flows out of my fingers effortlessly, I wonder why, because actually he's such a complicated character, glad you like it. And the scene where Severus slices off George's ear is indeed an important one in my plot, you're reading my mind again ... or in Severus's words, you are practicing Legilimency without eye-contact ;).

Resevius: Wow, thanks :) I know that JKR sometimes reads ffs, maybe one day she'll come across mine and think 'what the heck is that supposed to be?!' I don't know if she would approve of my interpretation ;) But I do try to interpret everything in a realistic way and add as little as possible, even if the book doesn't give away that much on some topics.

TheName'sJES: Hey, glad you reviewed :D. Good that you liked the bonus chapter :) I wanted to show that they had grown apart but still wanted to be close. I'm sorry for them both that they had no chance to resolve everything ... Now starts the really interesting part , because Severus knows so much more than Harry and yet he knows much less than Harry about other things, I like the conflict in him, and the thing with Albus hovering above him. I don't know whom to feel more sorry for, Remus or Severus. So, I hope school's going well ;).

Emily-pino: Oh, I've seldom heard that book 6 was somebody's favourite, but I like it too :) Albus and Severus's relationship is very important to me and it plays a big role in this book, though it isn't always positive as you will see ... as to Sev and Remus, well, I cannot say anything, really, that would spoil the reading experience ;) but this chapter already says a lot, I think.

**Request And Agree**

Severus's jaw was set. He couldn't even return Remus's kiss as the werewolf bid him good-bye worriedly. Severus had hoped that he had just had a bad dream when waking up to the sun warming his face. But as soon as he had opened his eyes, Remus had asked whether he had recovered from the night's events and immediately Severus's relaxed body had tensed fearfully, he had not just dreamt it all. Albus was dying. Severus was going to give him his coup de grâce. It was horrifying. And Remus's inquiring eyes were unsettling.

_You cannot tell him! _

Severus would leave for Spinner's End and give Remus his final dose of Wolfsbane and then he would find some excuse for not spending the next few days with him, otherwise he would probably spill it all to the werewolf. But no! There was no time to waste! He would use the time that was still left to them well, would think something up to explain his constant unrest, make sure he didn't tell Remus anything! Probably there was some kind of spell that punished him every time he only thought about telling Remus about Albus's plan … but what punishment was more terrible than keeping this crucial piece of information from Remus? Than the prospect of losing his warmth to a lie? While in truth he was trying to … well, really, Dumbledore hadn't told him what he was contributing to in detail. The fall of the Dark Lord, yes, but how? Severus was livid again. And a muscle was jumping in his set jaw.

"Well, I cannot force you to talk to me about what's bothering you," said Remus as he opened the front door for Severus, a deep frown on his kind face. "But I find it worrying that you are so shaken by what happened last night."

Severus jerked his head irritably, wishing Remus to stop tempting him to tell him everything there was to tell. He passed Remus in silence, stepping out into his little garden, the sun burning mercilessly down on him. In other parts of the country, Dementors were already starting to breed, causing mist and cold everywhere. But Remus's refuge seemed to be far away from all that, the misery didn't reach the little house in the forest and Severus knew that that was why he liked it here. Other than at Spinner's End, where the Dementors' mist was omnipresent. He shuddered. The last thing he needed now was more despair. He had only flitted in and out of Spinner's End in the past week and a half, avoiding longer stays, avoiding visitors.

The Death Eaters had lost no time of course, to get on the move. Amelia Bones had been the Dark Lord's very own first strike and Severus had been just as shocked as the rest of the Order when he had heard it. His warning had come too late for Albus to save her. Bridges were collapsing, people disappearing, and sometimes turning up again dead, Severus wished he could chain Remus to his house and make sure nobody got near him. He looked at him for a long moment, looked him over from head to toe, and hoped he would see him again. He hoped it every time he left him.

Spinner's End was gloomier than ever. Severus materialised in the dark alleyway near his house and was just walking out of it when a rat ran over his feet and made him recoil in surprise. The rat turned, looked up at him and transformed, suddenly, into a small, balding man with watery eyes and a pathetic expression. Severus wrinkled his nose at him. Wormtail.

"What have I done to be punished with a visit from you?" spat Severus as he walked on, past Wormtail towards his front door. Wormtail hurried after him, panting slightly.

"Where have you been? I've been waiting for over a day!" he snapped angrily and Severus gave him a scathing look as he opened the door.

"I do not believe that I am obliged to inform you where I spend my time, Wormtail," he said coolly and when Wormtail wanted to follow him inside, he blocked his doorway, crossing his arms tightly over his chest. He would forget his scruples for this sort of scum … oh, yes he would kill him for Remus's sake and the world wouldn't suffer a loss. "I repeat: what are you doing here?"

Wormtail glowered at him, balling his fists. "The Dark Lord has sent me here," he pressed and despite his hatred of the man, Severus knew there was no point in refusing him entry if he didn't want to seem as though he had something to hide. He would have to let him in. He stepped aside with a snarl and Wormtail shuffled in, looking curiously around.

"And what," said Severus disdainfully as he pushed past Wormtail into the living room to cast a quick Protection Spell over his belongings, "does the Dark Lord want you to do here?"

Wormtail glanced at him. "He wants me to watch you, Snivellus, what else …" he said, his voice giving away both mirth and nervousness. Severus shot him a deathly glare. This piece of filth, who had laughed at Severus as his glorious friends had tormented him, probably thought himself clever. Probably didn't know that Severus Snape was no longer a helpless boy. Severus wanted to hoist him up by his ankle and leave him alone for a few days.

"Is that so?" asked Severus quietly, and while he turned to Wormtail he rolled up his left sleeve. "I think I shall ask the Dark Lord to confirm it, for I cannot imagine that he would have sent someone as pathetic as you to watch me."

He raised his fingers over the Dark Mark on his arm, giving Wormtail an inquiring look. Wormtail looked warily from Severus's fingers to his face, then he shrugged. "Do it, if you must, he will tell you …"

Severus smirked. "Very well," he said quietly, slowly lowering his fingers, hoping dearly that he could rely on Wormtail's cowardice. "But he will be very displeased to be disturbed because you told a lie."

Severus lowered his fingers gradually and just before they touched his skin, Wormtail moved forward. "Alright, alright!" he cried and Severus pulled his sleeve back down, satisfied. "He wants me to assist you …"

Severus narrowed his eyes at him. "Assist me?" he asked. "How?"

"No matter how," snapped Wormtail. "Assist you with anything you need to do. He sent me so you can delegate all possible tasks to me to give you more time for your awfully important tasks."

Severus snorted, turning away from him. "The only thing in which I could use your assistance is the household," he said ironically. He looked around the room. "I suppose you will stay here?"

Wormtail shrugged, then nodded and crossed his arms. Severus could have sworn that today was the day Life wanted to take revenge on him for all he had done. Probably the Dark Lord just wanted to get rid of Wormtail. And maybe the little scumbag had been right and Severus was supposed to be watched. He knew that he would spend even less time at Spinner's End now. But return he must more often, otherwise Wormtail would report to the Dark Lord and the Dark Lord would become suspicious.

"I suggest you take my spare room then, though for a rat even a cardboard box would be fine," drawled Severus, opening the hidden door to the first floor. Wormtail glared viciously at him but was apparently too intimidated to talk back. "I will have to go out again, so you can just as well start assisting me by, say, cleaning the house?"

Wormtail opened his mouth to argue but Severus twisted his left arm deliberately and he just huffed. As he approached him Severus seized the front of his robes and Wormtail squeaked frightfully when he felt Severus's wand at his throat.

"And should I hear you call me by that name one more time," Severus whispered malignantly, digging his wand's tip into Wormtail's throat, "I swear you will regret ever having been born, you little, worthless piece of dirt. I happen to have a very good connection to a certain werewolf who would love to pay you back for your betrayal."

Wormtail wrenched his robes out of Severus's grip and gave him a wary look, trudging past him and up the stairs. "Second door to the right," Severus called after him. "And do not touch any of my possessions, otherwise you will experience an unpleasant surprise!"

Another huff and a slamming door were Wormtail's answer. Severus swore under his breath as he descended into his lab to fill a flask with Wolfsbane and get away from Spinner's End as soon as possible, making sure again that his shelves and cupboards were protected against Wormtail's impertinent claws.

Remus was surprised by his early return, having started to plant new seedlings, earth all over his nose already, yet he was glad and asked Severus to join him in the patch. Severus declined. He retreated into the cool living room and collapsed on the sofa, feeling as if he'd been awake for days on end. He could see Remus through the window and longed for him, and at the same time dreaded his presence. He felt exhausted and overwhelmed. And the last thing he wanted was talk to the Dark Lord or Albus. But as usual, one of them knew exactly when it was most inconvenient to see him.

"Oh," Severus heard Remus say in surprise and he sat up straight, straining his ears to find out if there was an unwelcome intruder outside. "It is good to see you, how are you?"

"Just fine, Remus, thank you very much," said Albus's cheerful voice and Severus sighed irritably, wishing he had ordered Albus to stay in bed for a few days. For such an old man he was very fit. "I trust Severus told you about my accident?"

"Yes," said Remus slowly, and Severus heard in his voice that he had suddenly become thoughtful, noticing that Severus had not actually said anything. "Is it your hand? I hope it does not inconvenience you?"

"Oh, no," chuckled Albus and Severus leant to the left to see him standing opposite Remus, looking ridiculously glamorous and tall in Remus's shabby, tiny garden. "Don't worry about me, Remus. Tell me, would Severus happen to be here?"

Severus had foolishly hoped that Albus just wanted to talk to the werewolf, make sure, maybe, that Severus had not told him anything. But of course he was unlucky. He saw them vanishing from his view and their steps approached him steadily. When next Severus saw Remus, the werewolf was blushing slightly, rubbing his neck in an embarrassed way that Severus admired him for showing so openly. Remus felt awkward with the fact that Albus knew more than he should, was aware that Severus spent his time with him rather than at Spinner's End.

Severus didn't even bother to get up from his comfortably slumped position on the sofa as Albus entered the room, he just couldn't find it in himself to care that Albus had known he could find him at Remus's.

"Severus, my boy," said Albus as Remus showed him to the threadbare armchair and sat down beside Severus, glancing worriedly at Albus's blackened hand as he wiped the earth off his face, "could I have a private word?"

Remus was already rising obediently as Albus smiled kindly at him but Severus stopped him with a hand to his shoulder. "We are in private," said Severus quietly, sure that Albus would send Remus away anyway, if he wanted to discuss the previous night. Remus looked from one to the other of them, half risen from the sofa, obviously undecided whether to obey Albus, the authority, or Severus, his partner, while the latter option incidentally agreed with his curiosity. After a moment in which Albus considered them both thoughtfully, he nodded and Remus sat back down, unable to control his usual impulse to touch Severus's leg in the process. Severus flinched away from him and immediately waved an apologetic hand at him. Albus smiled.

"I have good news, Severus," said Albus, his eyes twinkling suspiciously.

"Finally," drawled Severus, his eyes searching Albus's face.

Albus nodded and gave him an intent look. Remus squirmed beside Severus. "I have decided to give you the post of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher," said Albus. Severus stared at him. Remus gaped shamelessly. "That is if you are still applying, and I would be very much obliged if you were."

Severus was unable to say anything. He was quite baffled. He noticed Remus's eyes on him, piercing and, clearly, disapproving. The werewolf leant forward, clasping his hands. "Who is going to take over Potions?" he asked, scandalised.

Albus turned to him and Severus noticed that it was not pure benevolence that had given Albus that idea. It was there in his eyes. It was part of another plan. And maybe an attempt to repay Severus for his sacrifices. "I am currently trying to win Horace Slughorn for the job," said Albus calmly and Remus sank back against Severus's shoulder.

"Professor Slughorn …" he muttered and Albus nodded.

"Exactly," he replied, looking back at Severus. "Have you an answer for me, Severus?"

Surprisingly, it wasn't an easy question to answer. On the one hand, Severus was incredulously happy about finally getting the chance to teach his favourite subject, show a different side of himself. On the other hand, he was suspicious of the sudden offer, anxious as to its consequences, and averse to being involved in yet another plan of which he had no knowledge. And on a third hand, which he didn't want to admit he had, he felt doubtful, thought he might, after all, not want to exchange Potions for DADA, now that he had the choice. Didn't want to pass on the post to anyone else.

"You are not offering me that out of your unending philanthropy, are you?" asked Severus, completely ignoring his third hand. "Are you planning something with Slughorn?"

Albus gave him a caught-in-the-act look. "That shouldn't concern you, Severus," said he pleasantly. "I give you the chance to teach what you always wanted to teach, or have you finally realised that you are much too attached to Potions, after all? I remember Professor Slughorn calling you a boy-wonder …"

"No!" snapped Severus and was about to accept the offer when Remus cut across him.

"Don't manipulate him, Albus," he said darkly and they looked at him, Albus in amusement, Severus in irritation. "I think he should be granted some time to consider the offer. After all, the consequences are unpredictable."

"Do not worry, Remus," replied Albus seriously. "There is no reason to fear for Severus's well-being, I will see to it."

Severus disagreed with him on that point. And he knew almost for sure that he would exchange his DADA post for the Headmaster's post when the year expired. And he would not be well. He crossed his arms and glared at Albus. He might as well take this last chance. Remus seemed to notice the change in him, for he narrowed his eyes and his arm twisted as though he had stopped himself from taking Severus's hand. He was worried, no matter what Albus said. And he had good reason.

"I accept the offer," said Severus firmly and though it delighted Albus, Remus's face stayed stern the whole day and his hair seemed greyer still. Albus accompanied Remus upstairs to fetch Black's will and when they returned, Albus was thanking him far too cordially and Remus was far too thoughtful. But they didn't discuss it and Severus had no strength to inquire.

Another death darkened the Order's days. Emmeline Vance was killed by the Death Eaters and Severus felt more and more useless. Of course he had told the Dark Lord about Dumbledore's injury and the Dark Lord had in exchange, told him that Karkaroff had been found and was currently being chased through the mountains. And, oh, by the way, one of the Order had been murdered on his orders. It had made Severus feel freezing cold for a moment as he had feared for Remus. He scolded himself for being relieved that it had been Vance.

When Severus spent time at Spinner's End, he did not only have to endure Wormtail's sneaking presence, Wormtail whom he caught listening at doors while he was speaking to Albus's Patronus. Severus warned Remus after the full moon not to send his peculiar Patronus to communicate with him. If Wormtail told the Dark Lord that Severus was receiving private messages from the werewolf, it would damage his reputation. No, he also had to endure the idiotic articles in the Daily Prophet, the ones talking about the Chosen One, and warning people of Inferi, werewolves and Death Eaters. The ones speculating and spreading half-truths, and acting as if the paper had always known that the Dark Lord had returned.

Not to speak of the visitors. Severus felt an irresistible urge to Apparate to Remus's house in the middle of the night, unable to stop considering his right hand, clenching and unclenching it, turning it as far as it would go and winding it like a snake to get rid of the burning sensation. Remus was still awake, reading on his bed, and his golden eyes were so glad to see him that Severus felt shabbier than ever. He had not even been able to meet Narcissa's eyes, but Remus's?

"Severus," said Remus with a serene smile, "I wasn't expecting you, has anything happened?"

Severus found it harder and harder to appreciate Remus's knowing lately. It was difficult to talk about things he couldn't actually talk about. He sat down on the bed beside Remus, looking at the old wardrobe. He had been visited, earlier this evening, by Narcissa Malfoy and her sister Bellatrix. A surprising visit and a highly unpleasant one. Narcissa pleading with him to help her son, Bellatrix doubting him, insulting him, Wormtail listening in. And actually Severus could tell Remus about it, just not quite every detail.

"Lucius's wife visited me today," said Severus softly, as Remus laid his warm hand on his back. "She wanted me to talk to the Dark Lord about Draco … you see, the Dark Lord wants to use the boy to punish his parents."

Remus shuffled closer and considered Severus's profile with intent eyes. "And what did you say?"

"I said I couldn't help her," said Severus, turning his face away. He had felt sorry, truly sorry for her. "I have already spoken to the Dark Lord anyway, it is no use. He will do what he wants. But …"

"But?" prompted Remus, his hand sliding down Severus's back soothingly. Severus cleared his throat.

"I promised her to help Draco best I can," said Severus, twisting his hand uncomfortably. "He has something to do for the Dark Lord and I … I promised her to watch over him …" Severus didn't tell Remus that he had also promised to fulfil Draco's task for him. Dumbledore's plan was perfect. Even in timing. It was gruesome to think about it. But now he had even convinced – or at least startled – Bellatrix. "It is … very hard to play my part all the time. She was crying at my feet. She was begging me to help her son. And all her sister had to do was question my trustworthiness. She is jealous of me. She demanded answers to her many questions – why I hadn't helped at the Department of Mysteries, why I had never tried to find the Dark Lord and so on – to play my role, I had to explain to her what I have already explained to the Dark Lord. Do you know how tiring, how difficult it is to tell those lies like truths over and over again? I hate it to present myself in such a light."

Remus squeezed his shoulder and Severus looked round at his frowning face. "You promised?" asked Remus and took Severus's right hand into his own. "You mean you Vowed?"

Severus averted his eyes again quickly and cleared his throat once more. "How did you …"

Remus ran his fingers over Severus's cheek. "You wouldn't have been so agitated, had it been a mere promise … But that's all right, I'm sure Albus will approve."

Severus bit his lip. His fingers closed on Remus's hand and he closed his eyes to try and forget everything. He wished he were someone else. But when Remus kissed his lips softly, soothingly, because he knew he was needed, Severus counted himself fortunate. And he didn't want to lose that fortune. When the werewolf pulled back and made to get up, Severus turned and gripped Remus's shoulders rather harder than he had intended. Remus gave him a bewildered look, tensing slightly as Severus stared at him harshly.

"You must promise me something, too," said Severus quietly. Remus cocked his head to one side and raised his eyebrows.

"What do you want me to promise?"

Severus swallowed and scowled at himself. "You must promise to forgive me," said he in almost a whisper.

"Forgive you what?" asked Remus with a confused smile.

"No matter what," snapped Severus irritably. "Anything!"

Remus's smile widened and the understanding expression he wore was, for the very first time, wrong, because Severus knew that the werewolf could not possibly know what he was supposed to understand. "Anything," agreed Remus with a nod that was so final that it hurt Severus. It was too readily given, without the slightest consideration, it was no comfort at all, rather a threat. As soon as Remus found out what he had agreed to, he would surely find himself unable to keep his promise.

"Murder?" shot Severus viciously and Remus looked startled, even shocked for just a split second before his admirable control set back in.

"Murder," he agreed, after only a moment's silence. Severus was not satisfied, and he realised that without giving Remus the exact description of the horrible deed he had to do, he could never be sure that the werewolf understood what he promised to forgive.

Severus sighed and let go of his werewolf, burying his face in his hands in an impulse of weakness. How could he do what was expected of him without making sure that the consequences were kept minimal? He knew that now he had to do it, he had Vowed it in the knowledge that he had already made the promise to the victim anyway, there was no backing out but into death. He felt Remus's hand in the back of his neck. Maybe Draco would succeed … that would be a disgraceful way of withdrawing from the task, and Severus had the feeling that Albus wanted him to do it, not just out of mercy for the boy, but because it was part of his plan. Severus hated to be a pawn, it was enraging to torture oneself without evident reason.

"What is it, that's bothering you so?" asked Remus softly, his hoarse voice, that was usually calming, agitating Severus even more.

"You don't know what you are talking about!" spat Severus through his hands. "You promise what you cannot keep …"

Remus was silent for a few moments and withdrew his hand. Severus felt him shift and slide down from the bed to kneel in front of him. His gentle hands pulled Severus's away from his face and his intent eyes fixed him determinedly. "Believe me," said Remus firmly and held Severus's hands tightly, "whatever … whatever it is you have to do, I will forgive it. And whatever is troubling you – I know you don't want to tell, but whatever it is – I know you will be alright."

Severus was pained by Remus's devotion. It was painful indeed to look into his sincere eyes, those eyes that looked pleasantly right into Severus's soul, while he was determined to forgive anything, ignorant to the fact that 'everything' would be Albus's murder. Because he would not know, would maybe never know, that Severus was innocent. And suddenly all that Severus had always relied on, Remus's knowledge of his true face, was threatened, would be shattered. He had never been able to show _her_, he was always glad Remus had seen it. And now Remus would live on in the believe that Severus was the murderer, the traitor everyone thought he was. Remus would finally feel the fool he was.

"There are some things I cannot tell," said Severus regretfully and cupped Remus's face with his hands, drinking in his tired features, still gaunt and worn with grief, but still so very becoming when he was looking at Severus with those trusting eyes. "Don't ask me to tell them."

Remus frowned and his eyes wandered to the left and right before returning to Severus's. "Fine," he said reluctantly, but clever as he was he knew that there were certain things too secret to share them even with him. Then he smiled as Severus bent his head a little and he rose to meet him halfway in a kiss that settled it.

As Remus walked away from him to put his book back where it belonged, Severus followed him, his black robes seeming too pompous, too long, too expensive for Remus's house. He shed the outer layer, draping it over a chair beside the door, opening his cravat and the topmost buttons of his shirt when he shrugged off his jacket. Remus was leaning on the desk before the window of his father's study and looked at the waning moon with a gloomy smile.

"Tonks's Patronus has changed," said he softly when Severus edged past his father's glaring picture. "Guess what it has turned into."

Severus looked from Mr Lupin to Professor Lupin, only slowly becoming aware of what Remus had said, but when he did he produced his darkest glare. That girl was insufferable, she managed to make Remus feel so guilty that when the werewolf turned to Severus his brow was creased as it was only creased when he disliked himself. "Changed?" snapped Severus and earned a scathing look from Remus's father. "You mean because of some emotional distress?"

"Well," said Remus slowly, with a sad shrug, "I am not innocent. I fear she has set her mind so firmly on me that she is suffering –"

"– some serious heartache?" supplied Severus sarcastically. "What do you want to do, go out with her out of sympathy?"

Remus gave him a disapproving look. "Her Patronus has turned into a werewolf. Into me," said he wearily. "That isn't just a crush, it is an obsession. I have told her again and again that … oh, I just feel so shabby for being so cold to her, but I fear that she will become even more attached to me if I continue our friendship. I'm trying to avoid her now, and I hope she will try to avoid me as well."

"I would recommend it," said Severus darkly, not quite managing not to growl. He hated her. And he noticed that the number of people he hated was increasing while those he liked asked him to kill them. "You didn't want to listen! I told you that would happen from the very beginning."

Remus smiled at him. "You told me she had a crush on me, and admittedly I believed that it was just a jealous misconception, but I cannot remember you saying: watch out or the girl will fall in love with you and suffer terribly!"

Severus folded his arms and glowered so powerfully that his face hurt. That was what he had meant to say. He knew how it was to feel unrequited love, knew the agony of it, and the impossibility to forget it. He thought there was nothing Remus could do to convince Tonks to fall in love with another. The only thing he could do now was indeed to stay away from her so Severus wouldn't have to slice her to pieces. But then again, he had never sliced James Potter to pieces, either, had he? That would only have made it all worse. If there was anything worse than dreadful.

Remus gave him a curious look as he approached him, hands folded behind his back, shoulders straight as they should be, lips slightly pursed in thought. Severus straightened his back and looked down at Remus rather stiffly when the werewolf stopped only inches from him, gazing up into his face. For a moment Severus feared that Remus would ask how Severus had been able to foresee Tonks's feelings.

"I wanted to make a decision before I told you," said Remus after a few moments and Severus gave him a questioning look. Remus smiled. "Albus has asked me to infiltrate Greyback's pack to spy on them."

Severus stared for what felt like an eternity before he managed to say something. "And your decision?" he asked though he knew what Remus would do, he just liked to be needed, to do something useful, to do Albus a favour and pay back his nonexistent debt.

"I am planning to agree," replied Remus, affirming Severus's worries. "I am the only one who can do it, and I am glad that I can help."

Severus looked at him calmly for a moment, testing his own patience, before he lost his temper. "And what help is that supposed to be?" he spat angrily, pushing roughly past Remus who stumbled against a bookcase which wailed in pain, but Severus was too agitated to be surprised at bookcases that could feel pain. "You want to risk your life to find out that the werewolves are on the Dark Lord's side? Well, I can tell you as much, so I think it is unnecessary to do Dumbledore that completely idiotic, suicidal favour!"

Remus rubbed his shoulder, considering Severus's angry face with as much serenity as ever, apparently preparing his answer carefully before giving it. "Maybe I can convince some of them to change sides from the inside, and if not, I might be able to find out what they are planning and warn Albus," he said patiently, clearly expecting Severus's harsh reply.

"Greyback will rip your head off if he finds out!" he hissed, approaching Remus again to entreat him in his very own way. "You don't stand a chance to gain his trust in the first place, you will waste your time on that dangerous job, and you might just return with several limbs missing! Do you think this will be a holiday trip? Do you think you can just stroll into their camp and say that you are tired of living amongst wizards after having lived with them your whole life? Those werewolves aren't pleasant people you would like to have tea with, they are savage, violent and primitive! You cannot talk to them! You cannot reason with them, if you try they will break your nose for it"

Remus held up a hand, his eyes closed as if in pain. Severus stopped talking, retreating a few steps until he hit the desk and felt, very suddenly, the cold fear that had dropped into his stomach. And he knew why he was talking in on Remus, because the only thing worse than losing him in a year's time was losing him now, or spending another year, perhaps their last, divided by distance and circumstances. Severus waited until Remus had collected himself enough to open his eyes again and noticed only now how loudly he had spoken to him. Remus locked eyes with him and seemed both apologetic and determined.

"I don't want you to worry, I can look after myself," said he, his soft voice kept level very deliberately. "I do not believe that Greyback will ask many questions when I tell him some made up story. He is, after all, of the impression that all werewolves will realise sooner or later that wizards are to be overthrown … I am fully aware of the dangers of spying, just like you are, and yet I feel up to it and obliged to do it," he held up his hand once again when Severus tried to contradict him, "and I know that your fear is well-founded. But I promise that I will withdraw as soon as I notice animosity against me. Do not tell me that it is no use, we don't know yet, if it will be. And no, I do not believe this to be a holiday trip, but I wonder if you think that my life has been one before you came to care for me? I think I can cope with a tent and little food."

Severus gave him his ugliest glare. To no effect. Remus just sighed and leant against the bookcase, folding his arms. Severus's breathing was shallow, his fists were balled, he was sure he must look as if he was about to punch Remus. But it was impossible to intimidate this werewolf. Even if Severus had threatened him with the Dark Lord, Remus wouldn't have budged an inch.

"You wanted to see me more often this year," pressed Severus between clenched teeth, unwilling to admit that that was what he wanted too. "And now you move in with Greyback and his vile group. How you can even consider sucking up to the beast that bit you is an absolute mystery to me!"

Remus narrowed his eyes at him. "Why would I not see you more often? I will see you as often as I can. Of course I cannot leave all the time but you are at Hogwarts anyway and I cannot constantly be there, either. And if you need me, I will be there."

Severus huffed, turning away defiantly, grateful nonetheless that Remus had answered what Severus hadn't been able to ask, and ignored what Severus had used as a distraction. Severus put his hands on the desk and wished he could say what was on his mind. It was a comfort that Remus knew what Severus wanted to say, but it wasn't enough. Severus hated to feel disappointed in himself, and he did now, that he couldn't admit his real worry, couldn't tell that he was actually just longing to spend every free second with Remus.

"I will not just disappear into the forest and break off contact, Severus, I promise I will see you every week, if not every day," said Remus, his hand coming to rest in the crook of Severus's arm. "I will send you a Patronus to tell you if I'm alright, and I will not spend the full moon with those people. Please don't think that duty is more important to me than you."

Severus turned his face away as Remus tried to look at him. "Duty," he spat jerkily, "that isn't duty, that's stupidity. And if anything happens to you I will not pity you!"

Remus chuckled annoyingly, laying his arm round Severus's waist. "Don't worry, Severus, I promise I'll take care …"

"Do what you will," snapped Severus, screwing up his eyes in frustration. But nothing could offend patient Remus, nothing could shake him. Not yet.

"I know," he said softly, laying his head on Severus's tense shoulder, "I am afraid, too."

Severus gave up his defiance and turned to Remus, who took advantage immediately, embracing him warmly. "I have enough to worry about without your daredevil mission," he growled. "If you want to be needed, I remind you that you are needed already."

"By you?"

"Naturally," said Severus harshly. "Black wasn't the only one who required your presence."

Remus rested his chin on Severus's shoulder and for a moment it seemed he was fighting Black's memory. His arms tightened round Severus and his fingers dug into his back before he relaxed again. Severus closed his eyes to indulge in his scent, trying to let the images of the evening drain from him. He had enough of those tear-streaked and rude women, of his duty and his secrets, of his fears. He would just chain Remus to himself to prevent him from joining the werewolves recklessly. One couldn't talk sense into Gryffindors. They were unreasonable.

"My mind is set," said Remus, pulling back from Severus, who seized his arms to hold him in place. "And I am glad that you care. Forgive me my choice."

Severus felt as if he had stabbed him in the stomach with a rusty kitchen knife. Forgive. Severus had no right to reproach him for such a small … and yet, he didn't like it. With a sigh he sank into the chair behind him, rubbing his forehead tiredly. He would miss this intimacy. The one he felt when Remus stepped closer to pull Severus's head against his chest. The one in which he could show his weaknesses, could collapse on a chair and just lean against the werewolf to support him in his exhausted state. Here, he had no part to play, this was him. But he never cherished it enough, did he? He relied too much on Remus's patience. Suddenly he felt sick again and dug his fingers into the fabric of his trousers. How would he manage to kill Albus, how would it feel? How could he cope with this burden without Remus? How had he coped before? He hadn't, really, he had never coped with anything. He still felt the guilt, the agony welling up inside him now when he thought about the prophecy.

Remus tugged on his hand and Severus barely noticed that he was led to bed, and his shirt unbuttoned and his body covered with the blanket and his ears filled with Remus's soothing voice. The only thing that his preoccupied mind registered were Remus's lips kissing his own, his soft eyes considering his face and Remus's gentle fingers smoothing the creases on his forehead. All in a moment, but it felt like an eternity. The sick feeling that made Severus's stomach churn unpleasantly left him slowly but gradually, he could breathe freely again as Remus kissed him once more, deeply this time. _I cannot lose this_, thought Severus firmly, _not him too_. He wondered how Albus had felt when he had lost the one he loved, and if it would be tactless to ask him. He did feel less alone then, as he felt Remus's head on his shoulder and his arm round his waist, and yet …


	33. Well Known

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling, especially the excerpts from Harry Potter and the Halfblood-Prince.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT, implied AD/GG, implied Blotts/Flourish

Author Notes: Just been up all night, finishing this :D I loved Molly and Arthur's security question, so I thought Remus might as well.  
Some more Flourish and Blotts in this chapter and some thoughts on Lily - oh, and forgive me the exchange of words about the "shack", it was so fitting.   
So, the words "Wormtail" and "repulsive" really seem to go together ;) I positively despise him, but I have a friend whose favourite character he is.   


Kiraling: Thank you, that reassures me, those moments are so important for atmosphere and credibility and everything that's going on inside Severus ... poor Severus has to go through a lot this year :(. But I enjoyed writing the Dumby moment :), they aren't used to showing their relationship so openly ;).

Resevius: Sometimes I want PoA back too ;), on the other hand, I love writing about these conflicts and I'm glad you enjoy reading it. I'll think about giving you more Wormtail, for now I don't have room for him, but maybe later. And_ I_ thank _you_ :) you are very welcome.

TheName'sJES: Thanks for saying that, I love the word 'fantabulous' :D. I enjoy writing Sev's inner turmoil, he has so much depth.

Lizard Demon From Pluto: Hello again :) yes, apparently JKR even admitted that Dumbles and Grindle were having a romantic affair ... really, I couldn't resist including them here. I feel bad for Sev too, sadly I have to torture him a bit. Glad you enjoy reading b^_^d, thank you for reviewing.

**Well Known**

"What about a security question?"

Severus snapped out of his thoughts, his eyes focused on Albus again and he lifted his leaden head off the palm of his hand to signal his attention. The first Order meeting that was held back at Grimmauld Place had left him staring at the Headmaster sunk in the usual thoughts that kept preoccupying him. He let his eyes wander over the many faces around the long table until they reached Tonks, whose hair was mousy, whose skin was pale, who had lost the ability to morph to her love sickness. Severus could feel with her. But he didn't want it. He loathed her for feeling what he felt, and for making Remus guilty enough to say, "Look what I've done to her!" Even though all that he was guilty of was being himself, and not knowing how to handle her feelings, how to reject her effectively. He could not say "I love another", she would find out who it was and everyone else with her.

"Severus?"

Severus let his eyes wander further down the table, until they found Remus's pale face, the grief returned quite suddenly to his features. It was the house, the memories, the expectation of Black's gruff greeting when he had entered, and the disappointment when reality had crashed in on him. Not even the prospect of seeing his beloved Potter again in a week's time for the boy's birthday could cheer him up. Severus straightened up as he remembered that Remus had asked him a question. Quite a foolish one, really.

"What?" he whispered, leaning towards the werewolf.

"A security question. Just to make sure –"

"I don't need a security question to know that it is you standing before me," said Severus dismissively and Remus couldn't suppress a reluctant smile.

"Molly and Arthur could say the same and yet, they have a security question …" he argued and Severus rolled his eyes.

"Ridiculous," said he and regarded the matter settled. He liked the way Remus chuckled for a change. "If you doubt my identity you can ask me whatever you will, that is much more secure than a question you agree on."

"Fine," agreed Remus obediently and returned his attention to Albus who was talking about … Severus didn't really know as he hadn't listened at all. Just when Severus wanted to try and listen for longer than a minute Remus's lips came very close to his ear and whispered with that mischievous tone in his lowered voice, "I just thought you'd like to know it's really me before we kiss."

There was no need to pretend loathing now, Severus was sure nobody would doubt his animosity towards Remus as he turned his head to glare at him. Only Remus could tell a hateful glare of his from an embarrassed one. "Your imposter wouldn't live to tell the tale," he hissed irritably, annoyed by the fact that Remus was finding himself funny.

"I'd make sure he wouldn't," assured Remus with an amused smile. Severus appreciated the normality that Remus forced on him whenever he was deep in thought again. The werewolf noticed, knew he wouldn't get an answer if he inquired, and pulled Severus back into the world of the living.

"When will you be leaving for Greyback?" asked Severus as he noticed that listening to Albus was an impossibility. He couldn't look at him without looking at his hand which always made his stomach churn. Remus frowned.

"Not a day sooner than the first of September, don't worry," whispered Remus as Albus gave them a look. "Will you visit Flourish and Blotts to find books for your new subject?" he added and his voice was somewhat light as if he wanted to sound casual about something he didn't like.

Severus turned to him and raised an eyebrow. "Are you offering your assistance?"

"If you want it …"

The way Remus avoided Tonks when she approached him after the meeting was almost painful to watch. The girl made Remus stern and Remus made the girl cry. And what was worse was that Molly shot Remus a deathly glare and told him off, trying hard to convince him that he was wrong, that he should give love a chance, while they were leaving the house. Severus pushed hard against Remus's back as the werewolf failed to make Molly stop her insolence, blocking the front door in his attempt to explain his situation to her. Remus stumbled out of the house and down the front steps, Severus striding after him.

"Get a move on, Lupin, the rest of us have no time to lose to your ridiculous romantic troubles," he snarled, shooting Molly and Tonks, who was hiding behind her, scathing glares. They had no right to corner a defenceless werewolf after he had already made perfectly clear that he wasn't interested in the advances Tonks made. Remus turned to him with a grim look that didn't suit him at all, that made him look much too old, and he straightened his robes.

"Me neither, Severus, I assure you," he said coolly and in an instant he turned on the spot and vanished with a _crack_. Severus heard Tonks sniffle behind him and rounded on her, guiltily satisfied that this time it wasn't him who was being rejected.

"Pull yourself together, girl!" he snapped and she flinched, glaring at him as soon as she had recovered. "A no is a no." And he Apparated after Remus. Not that he had ever kept to the no he had received. In fact it had never come so far as to receiving a no.

The werewolf was not amused by Severus's remark, he seemed rather displeased. "Password," said he darkly when Severus made to enter the bedroom but was stopped by its owner.

Severus rolled his eyes. "What is it?" he asked impatiently.

"That was absolutely unnecessary!" said Remus angrily. "What did you mean by it? Was it just that you don't care about her feelings, or was it unfounded jealousy?"

"If you cannot make it clear to the girl, if it bothers you so … I am just sick of this constant …" Severus noticed his incoherence and stopped talking abruptly, annoyed with himself. "It is not your fault, you have no obligation to justify yourself, and if you are unwilling to tell her that you … Remus," said Severus quietly, exasperatedly after another string of incoherent words, "do you think you know me?"

Remus looked up at him, startled and confused. "Why … of course," he said slowly, reaching for Severus's hand but only taking his sleeve between his delicate fingers.

"Are you sure?"

"Quite sure," replied Remus, now a little more firmly. "Why?"

Severus had his very own reasons for asking. It was important to him. "No doubts?" Remus shook his head, his face skeptical. "Then why do you even wonder?" asked Severus, unable to give Remus the true reason for his question. He just didn't like Remus being angry with him for something small like such a snide remark as he frequently made. Remus frowned, then finally took his hand and shrugged.

"It is just," he muttered, "I hate to punish her for loving me."

Severus's chest stung. Loving him, huh? He wondered if Remus was still so sure that Severus loved him, or if he had, after all, reasoned that Severus was only with him because it was convenient. How foolish that conclusion sounded. Severus huffed.

"I don't know the password," said he roughly, "so, I suppose I'll just …" He made to move away but Remus stopped him.

"No!" he said loudly, turning around to walk towards the bed, shedding his robes on the way. "I wish you to stay."

Severus smirked, even more so when Remus turned back to unbutton Severus's shirt, as if wanting to make sure that he would stay. "Wormtail will be wondering … I have not spent many nights at Spinner's End lately."

"Wormtail be damned," mumbled Remus, waving his hand dismissively. Severus accepted that argument and Remus's kiss as he pushed his shirt off his shoulders. And when he was pressing his lips and nose to Remus's damp temple, and Remus into the soft mattress of his white bed, minutes later, he wondered if it wasn't wrong to keep everything from him, all those secrets that he carried around with him should be entrusted to his beloved, shouldn't they? But they wouldn't, and the true reason why that bothered him was not that Remus deserved to know them, but much rather that they were proof of Severus's good character, for his innocence.

Severus supposed Albus was right in saying that Remus might forgive Severus his murder, but Severus wanted Remus to know that it was not murder, that he was not on the Dark Lord's side, he didn't want forgiveness out of despair or dependence, much rather did he want to keep the wonderful state of Remus knowing him, knowing that he was not evil, instead of a forgiveness in the false belief that he was evil. In such moments he tried to forget his selfishness, because what he had to tell was at the very tip of his tongue, and he often regretted not having told it. He felt like he was constantly treading on delicate ground. He knew to whom he would rather be loyal, Albus or Remus, and yet he also knew that for the wizarding world – and he felt awfully Gryffindor, thinking that – it was more important, vital even, that he should keep his promises to Albus. To his own life … well, his own life didn't matter. Had never mattered to any of his masters. He just wished that he would live to experience how Remus found that he was innocent, how Remus would ask him to move in with him. Just some happy years, carefree, he would even forgive Life and Fate and Death, if they let him have Remus for just a bit longer. He realised that this was the first time he had actually wished that. And he felt guilty towards Remus, who had given him so much, who had loved him, who had cherished him, who had touched him, like in this very moment – and he felt guilty for feeling so strongly still, for obsessing about an unrequited love and wishing he had experienced it, for thinking so often of someone who had deserted him, who had never even so much as – but not now, not quite in this moment, when Remus was looking up at him like this, his eyes so loving and dark, for who knew how much longer he would love Severus, how soon it would be over – and despite the negative thoughts, his mind went temporarily blank with wonderful pleasure …

Remus's panted breathing was filling Severus's ears as his mind refocused. The werewolf's fingers were slowly relaxing on Severus's back as his scarred legs slid over Severus's hips, his breathing slowing, his heartbeat calming, the strength leaving his body fast. It was as if Severus had jumped back on his train of thought after having been thrown off when he scolded himself that Remus deserved a love more intense, an obsession more powerful, a devotion deeper than anything Severus had felt before. At the same time he wasn't sure if Remus was granted all these things, regarding the fact that there was someone else always occupying a part of Severus, and even if he was, he wouldn't know. Severus wouldn't tell him like Remus had told him.

He smoothed back Remus's hair and considered his face, apparently scowling for Remus gave him a weak smile, his darkened eyes searching his face. "Displeased?" asked Remus huskily, running his hands over Severus's back. Severus shook his head and managed a smile, which widened once it had conquered his lips. _Don't worry so much, maybe there won't be a tomorrow, maybe you will both be murdered in this very bed tonight_. A wonderful death. Taking the train to France together … Remus returned his smile and pulled his head down for a kiss, a kiss that lengthened considerably the time the tingling in Severus's body lasted. He supposed that even if someone had walked in on them now, they would not have recognised him for the content smile he was wearing.

They set off for Diagon Alley the next morning, meeting at Flourish and Blotts and acting as if it was a coincidence. One couldn't be too careful of prying eyes. Messrs Flourish and Blotts approached Remus as soon as he had entered the shop and greeted him a little too cordially for Severus's taste. But he was even surer that the way Remus greeted Mr Blotts was far too cordial! With a huff Severus turned away from the trio and wandered off to the Dark Arts department.

He couldn't help but peer at the three men through a gap between the books he was supposed to be looking at and he felt jealousy surging through him not only when Blotts laid his hand a little too confidentially on Remus's shoulder but also when Blotts laid his hand very deliberately into the crook of Flourish's arm. Severus could never touch Remus when they weren't alone, at least not gently, he could not make it known to others or even Remus that he cared about him by such subtle gestures because the subtlety in Blotts's touches was what gave away what he was feeling. No, Severus had to watch other men and women touch Remus while he was hiding behind high bookshelves, stealing furtive glances, staring at the werewolf and wishing he could set fire to kindly Mr Blotts for squeezing Remus's shoulder. Did Remus really have to like it so openly? The only satisfaction, the only reassurance that Severus had left was that Remus was still glowing healthily with the pleasure Severus had caused him last night.

After a while, Remus excused himself and headed into Severus's direction. Severus hurried to move on and grabbed a random book from a shelf to bury himself in, pretending he had been reading it all this time.

"They say business is bad these days."

Remus appeared at the shelf Severus had been watching him through and Severus looked up as if just acknowledging that he had finally joined him. Remus approached him with an amused smile and snatched the book out of his hands. He looked at the cover and raised his eyebrows as he looked back at Severus.

"Mingling with Manticores?" asked he incredulously. "I thought you were looking for schoolbooks and not for a disturbing work to scare the first-years with … and a Lockhart-like title, too."

Severus scowled and turned away to hide his embarrassment. "I was just leafing through … forget it …"

Remus steered him into the direction of the schoolbook shelf, dropping the strange book on a stack disdainfully. "Don't think I didn't notice your eyes on me, making sure I didn't get too intimate with amiable Mr Blotts."

Severus glared at him, looking around and finding Blotts with his mouth close to Flourish's ear and his hand touching the underside of Flourish's forearm obviously affectionately. Then his view was blocked by some black object that Remus held in front of his eyes.

"What about this one?" asked Remus as Severus took the book from him. "_Confronting the Faceless_. I know it and I find it appropriate for NEWT course …" Severus opened it and was surprised to be satisfied with the content. He gave Remus a startled look and the werewolf rolled his eyes. "I'm not incompetent, you know? I'm the educated teacher not you."

"Point taken," drawled Severus and snapped the book shut, tucking it under his arm as he reached for another one that had caught his attention.

"You can still withdraw from the job," suggested Remus in a hopeful tone but Severus shot him a silencing glare.

"Don't even try, Slughorn has accepted, I have accepted and that's that," he said and returned to the book. "What has Black left to you, by the way?"

Remus was silent for a moment. "Nothing," he replied curtly. "Harry got everything."

Severus looked up at him. "What?" he snapped and put the second book under his arm. "What kind of friend is he supposed to be? Did he not even give you some pocket money?"

Remus smiled vaguely, and handed him a third book. "I wouldn't have wanted it."

"Did he ask you?"

Remus shook his head and shrugged. "I wasn't expecting anything." He was too good for this world and Severus should probably be grateful. He realised that he had not considered giving Remus money, or food, really, either. He knew Remus's pride only too well. But at least he made the Wolfsbane, he told himself, at least, while he was staying with him, he was nourishing him properly.

Severus was sure Blotts disliked him. When he paid the books with a bag full of clinking Galleons, giving Blotts a scathing scowl, Blotts gave him a skeptical look in return and it was plain on his face that he was wondering why shabby, kind Remus considered Severus a friend. Severus had wondered the same many times.

On the day of Potter's birthday, Severus returned home from a Death Eater meeting, passing Remus the news he had gathered. "Karkaroff's dead," he said coolly as Remus tied his cravat round his neck. "Selwyn told me. They've killed him in a shack up north, his body has already been discovered, no wonder with the Dark Mark over it."

Remus gave him an unfathomable look. "It was only a matter of time, wasn't? Are you upset?"

"Upset?" Severus snorted, folding his arms. "Certainly not, that false git wanted to sell me out to the Ministry to save his own skin! He paid the price for his treachery."

Remus raised his eyebrows. "You make me worry about you …" he said, running his hand over the inside of Severus's arm as he passed him.

"It is not new – or it shouldn't be – that my treachery would be punished with death," said Severus lazily. "But I am too clever to end like Igor."

Remus smiled weakly, sitting down on the back of the sofa with an expectant look. "Any other exclusive news I can carry to the Weasleys?" he asked, failing to sound unconcerned.

"Ollivander has been captured and is currently held where it pleases the Dark Lord, I am afraid I cannot say where, they seem to be moving with him, so he cannot be found … but I don't wish you to tell anyone just yet, Dumbledore is quite worried about it. He suspects that the Dark Lord wants to force Ollivander to tell him why his wand failed to kill Potter. A few Dementor attacks," replied Severus with appropriate darkness. "I'm afraid this time there have been victims …"

Remus shook his head and ran a hand through his greying hair. Very greying indeed. Severus stepped close and let his own hand follow Remus's through his soft strands. Remus found his smile again. "Don't let yourself be killed in a shack, Severus," said Remus, trying to sound as if he were making a joke. Severus shook his head.

"I have escaped death in a Shack once," he said, giving a guilty Remus a significant look, "I do not believe that lightening strikes twice."

Remus's nod was firm but he did not manage another smile. His face was grim when he got up to hug Severus, and Severus tried not to feel guilty when he seized the frayed fabric of his ragged robes. While Remus kissed him good-bye, Severus was already thinking about the gloom of Spinner's End. He returned there to arrange everything for his new subject. Severus sent a letter to Albus with the list of books he had chosen and a request to remain in his own quarters rather than move into what had once been Remus's. He wanted to spend as little time in that fateful office as possible.

He spent an interval of three days at Spinner's End, during which Remus undertook a journey to the north, to find Greyback's nomad pack and establish a first contact. Severus didn't like it, he couldn't help it, it was wrong. And it was wrong that Albus asked it. Severus believed that Remus accepted the task quite readily after several catastrophic attempts to make Tonks let go of her 'silly affection' which had resulted in an overall awkwardness among those who knew, when Remus and Tonks were in the same room. Giving her a wide berth and seeing her as little as possible had seemed sensible to the werewolf, and also to Severus, though he hoped for Tonks's sake that it wouldn't interfere with Remus's true reason for rejecting her.

Severus distracted himself from this uncomfortable matter with the brewing of several potions for the Dark Lord. He even managed to pretend that they weren't meant for crimes (like his Polyjuice which had been used to lure Ollivander out of his shop without attracting attention with a rough fight) until Wormtail, whom he had sent out to collect certain ingredients, disturbed him and the simmering cauldron in front of him, which was filled with a brew that was very sensitive to noise, exploded with very much ado indeed. Wormtail paid it with pain. And Severus felt disgruntled all day, rubbing his forearms until the burning the explosion had caused disappeared.

It was a huge relief when Remus returned and they met at Grimmauld Place late at night, after an Order meeting which Remus had just missed. Apart from looking rather windswept, Remus seemed fine, which was good and bad news at the same time. It meant the werewolves had not beaten him up for his intrusion and that he had good chances of being accepted into their midst. Remus looked unconcerned and rather pleased with himself, which made Severus hope that he wouldn't become reckless. He was a Gryffindor, so there was little hope. The werewolf waved a hand at Severus as he approached Albus and Severus stayed in the staircase of the kitchen to wait for him. The conversation between Albus and Remus was a short one. One kindly Gryffindor to another. And Severus wondered if Remus even knew that Albus was not as kind as he always pretended to be, not as strange and eccentric as everyone thought. That was only a façade, to hide the power, the calculating, brilliant mind behind. It made him much more likable of course, but Severus, who knew the other side of amiable Professor Dumbledore very well, had long lost the ability to laugh about the hilarious remarks he made.

"I introduced myself and stayed a while to look in," explained Remus as he was ascending the stairs with Severus. "I'm going to return to them in September to settle my joining them."

"You are a fool," remarked Severus drily and earned a chuckle.

"Oh, well, if everyone were so sensible and clever as you, nobody would make revolutionary discoveries, or experience wild adventures anymore …" replied the werewolf, putting his hand so very affectionately on Severus's shoulder that it would have been a huge give-away had they been in company. It was dangerously foolish to let such touches become natural. And yet, if nobody were foolish anymore, there would be no great romance, would there?

Remus's tired eyes were considering him much more intently than they should be able to and it startled Severus into a defensive scowl as he noticed it. "What?" he snapped, disliking the inquiring look Remus gave him. There was always a significant question following this look, and significant questions were currently dangerous. Especially when asked by someone who didn't need an answer to be uttered to read it in Severus's eyes.

Remus cocked his head to one side and shrugged. "I was just trying to figure out what you were brooding about. It is usually something serious when you make that face," he said and imitated the concentrated expression Severus must have been wearing. Severus rolled his eyes, hoping that the expression had made him look just a little as handsome as it made Remus look. A vain wish.

"You nosy Gryffindor," he muttered, holding open the door for Remus.

"I hope you'll step round," said Remus just before Severus Disapparated and it was the most unnecessary hope he could have had. A moment later, the werewolf stumbled into Severus rather elegantly as he materialised beside him, as usual not able to control his own body properly and yet landing exactly where he had wanted to land. Severus caught him and the breath was knocked out of him for a second.

"I can only repeat," he growled, shoving Remus away from him, "Destination, Determination, Deliberation!"

Remus smiled apologetically. "Usually I try to Apparate somewhere nobody can be thrown over by me, or indeed, see my disgraceful stumbling. The determination is my problem … and maybe I deliberate too much."

"Surely," said Severus silkily, shedding his robe to lay it on the chair beside Remus's bedroom door and sat down on the ancient bed. Remus opened the clasps of his own robes and gave Severus another one of his curious looks, shedding layer after layer of his patched robes, dropping them to the ground, until he was only in his shirt and trousers.

"I am not nosy, by the way," said he then, walking towards Severus, "if I were, I would have asked you long before now what it is that you keep from me."

Severus's eyes widened slightly and he was unwilling to let Remus's knowing eyes meet his. "What do you mean?" he asked innocently, as innocently as a Death Eater could, anyway.

Remus gave him a shrewd look. "There's always been something occupying your mind. From the very beginning, there was something that I knew you were hiding from me. Something that gave you a regretful look, misty eyes, something that made you anxious or pained you when you thought about it … even more so now … and I don't mean that new secret that's troubling you, it is different, and though I know neither one, I can very easily tell them apart when they occupy your mind."

Severus was dumbstruck for a moment, unable to make an answer. It was clear to him what Remus was referring to, he had just never realised that it was visible on his face when they were together, but then again, Remus could read him like an open book and registered every change in him, and now he felt even worse for thinking about someone else while with Remus, even if those thoughts were merely paining him, and not romantic in the slightest. Severus supposed it was still a major offence to mourn another love while with the new love. Even though his feelings for them were so very different. He tried to say something but Remus shook his head.

"Oh, no, I'm still not asking," he smiled kindly. "I have gathered that it is something you will not talk about … if I were to know it, you would have told me."

"I cannot …" began Severus, thinking that it was insignificant to Remus what Severus had once felt for someone else, as it should be insignificant to Severus whom Remus had loved before him. But truth be told, it wasn't, and it would pain him to be told that there was someone Remus could not forget. But it was also a fact that Severus could not talk about the secret he was keeping. To no one. He couldn't even say her name, much like he had been unable to say Remus's. "I cannot speak about it."

Remus shook his head. "No need," he assured and stepped closer and in between Severus's knees. "It is probably some long lost love," he added with a warm smile and it was all Severus could do not to gape at him. Remus bent down to kiss him tenderly and when Severus did not respond due to his shock he pulled back again and cocked his head to one side. "Don't worry, Severus, whatever it is," said he softly, "it couldn't offend me."

Severus felt like indulging in Remus's gentle kisses even more than he usually would after three days of utter withdrawal. And while he tasted the chocolate Remus had probably eaten due to the Dementors' influence, he told himself again, very lovingly, that no one had ever touched him like this, held on to him like this. Least of all the one who was the centre of this twenty-year-old secret.


	34. Discoveries

Title: **Journey**

Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT, implied AD/GG

Author Notes: Hope everybody's well! Remus's Patronus turns up again, some Voldy as well. I liked this chapter, it is so quiet. Next chapter Severus will return to Hogwarts, so let's enjoy this :). I didn't invent those Potioneers by the way, I looked them up ... Enjoy :).

Kiraling: Hey, I love shipping Flourish and Blotts O.o, and now I have drawn you into it ;). Yeah, I really think that Severus's love for Lily is pure, you know. Actually I like Remus/Tonks, and I really like her, but when I write from Sev's PoV, I think, it is really hard to feel any linking for her ^^. Remus is quite unnerved by her moping over him, too :(. I'm jealous of Remus and Severus too :D.

Resevius: Oh, it's a shame that I cannot write music, I would love to write such a song ;). Another sweet chapter for you :D.

soniakay: Well, Tonks is Tonks, I'm afraid she'll continue making Remus feel guilty ... and I think that Severus feels curious about Remus's past lovers too, but doesn't want to know anything about them at the same time ;). So, I don't know yet if I will ever write about them explicitly. Also, I like you to speculate about it ;).

rethec: I thank you :) hope you'll enjoy this one as well.

**Discoveries**

"What do you mean, he told you about his first love?"

Severus snorted. It had seemed the right thing to say to a depressed Remus. The werewolf had been out of spirits for quite a while now, at least several days, and all he did was sigh heavily every few minutes and throw Severus mysteriously guilty looks. Severus had had enough of it after almost a week and snapped at Remus rather insensitively, which was nothing new, but it had shaken Remus in a worrying way. How regretful. It wasn't even close to the full moon yet.

"Well, you heard me, didn't you? I thought werewolves had superb hearing?" replied Severus, watching with pleasure that Remus was making to get into his garden with a spade. Remus gave him an amused look and raised his eyebrows.

"Who told you that?" he asked with a chuckle, rolling up his sleeves. Severus shrugged.

"I don't know … isn't it true?"

Remus shook his head and stepped out into the sunshine. "Around the full moon my senses are heightened, I smell every ingredient on you. But right now I'm just another man."

Severus disagreed, but didn't say. A mistake. One of many. "Albus told me about his only love as I believe," he said instead and made Remus smile sweetly.

"He could never forget them?" he said in a wistful voice that Severus thought was the result of loneliness and the belief that he would never have someone to love and who loved him in turn for a whole life.

"Apparently not," confirmed Severus, folding his arms and leaning against the doorframe to watch Remus dig a shallow hole for one of his seedlings. "Even though he was still very young and it didn't last long."

"I think it is not how long it lasted that ties us to someone, but how intensely we loved," said Remus wisely, sounding much like Albus. He bent over to pick up his seedling from the ground and place it in the hole. The plant stretched its leaves in the sun. "Do you know who it was?"

Severus hesitated. Knowing was not what he would call it. "I have a suspicion, but I really can't say, because I have no confirmation …"

Remus raised his golden eyes to Severus's face for a moment and Severus thought that he could make out a loving caress in them. "Didn't you ask him?"

"He didn't want to tell," said Severus with a significant look. Remus smiled at his plant.

"Well, I suppose he's planning to take a few secrets to the grave with him," he muttered as he flattened the soil around the little plant. Severus shifted uncomfortably.

"Probably," he replied curtly and walked towards Remus to run his fingers through his honey hair with careful deliberation. "But he doesn't grant me that privilege."

"How many years since Albus parted with the one he loved?" asked Remus, leaning against Severus's leg and wiping his hands to free them from the soil.

Severus thought about it. "Well, I suppose it must have been about a hundred years …" he said and it sounded a ridiculously long time. But wizards' lives were very long, why wouldn't their love last a life-time? "A whole life …"

Remus sighed, but happily this time. "Isn't that what everyone strives to achieve? That someone loves you for a whole life?"

"Few are granted such a privilege …" mumbled Severus, wondering if he would be granted Remus's love for longer than this year. And he regretted Remus's shorter lifespan greatly. The mere knowledge that Remus would be thinking of him as he did now, even after a separation, even after death, was a nice prospect. Oh, he should really stop spending so much time with Gryffindors.

"It is a long time to stay in love …" agreed Remus, taking out his wand to spray his plant with water. "A wizard's life. I believe you have to be so close that you can't even imagine parting anymore. Imagine what it would be like, Severus, to grow old together … how long it would take, how much you would depend on one another."

"It isn't as long for you," mumbled Severus still more softly, combing his fingers through Remus's greying hair. Soon one would have to search carefully for the brown in the grey. Remus looked up at him and got to his feet with a sad smile.

"It is still enough time," he said and Severus shook his head, averting his eyes.

"It is not," he contradicted, "it is never enough time …"

And indeed it wasn't, it seemed like the more they touched, the more intimate those touches were, the faster time passed. But when Severus tried not to touch, to only talk while keeping a distance, to only watch from a few feet away, he found it an impossibility. He was sure that Remus gave him those tempting looks on purpose, because he took pleasure in Severus's utter weakness. Severus soon lost the energy to try and make time run more slowly. And time flew. Soon there was only a week left to the start of term and Severus found himself snapping at Wormtail constantly, ending up throwing him out non-too-gently. His nosy questions had been unnerving him for quite some time. What business of his was it where Severus spent the nights? What business of his was it that Severus wanted to enjoy even the last second of Remus's caressing hands on his bare chest in the middle of the night, of Remus's soft hair splayed over his skin? Before they set off into different directions. Not that he would ever admit that to Remus, but those past weeks had been exactly what Severus had wanted the whole previous year, his whole life, actually. It was what he imagined it must be like one day. Severus supposed that life wanted to apologise for things to come and he decided to accept the apology for now without consideration.

The last week before the start of term bore more unpleasant occurrences. The Dark Lord called Severus to his side and paced in front of him for several minutes, in total silence, his wand held loosely in his fingers. Severus thought at first that he would be confronted about his dismissal of Wormtail, but in the end it was not Wormtail the Dark Lord wanted to talk about.

"You will be rewarded beyond measure, Severus," said the icy voice when the Dark Lord finally turned to look at him. Severus had to hide a shudder at these words, he didn't want to think about what he had to do. "You and I both know that Draco has little chance of success, and after he has failed, I want you to kill Dumbledore at the first chance that presents itself. I promise you, you will not regret it."

Severus wondered why everyone asked him to kill Dumbledore. It was a bloody conspiracy, no doubt! "I will do as you command, my Lord," replied Severus impassively, "regardless of the consequences."

"And that is why you are so reliable," agreed the Dark Lord approvingly and Severus was disgusted with him and himself. "As soon as Dumbledore is dead, there will be no obstacle left on the path to my seizing power of the Ministry and as soon as it is done, Hogwarts will be yours, Severus. Headmaster … isn't that a nice prospect? The children's education, proper education, will finally be seen to. But do not touch the boy, don't let anybody else touch Potter. Only Dumbledore, who trusts you more than anyone, I must leave to you. You will be very helpful."

* * *

"You have been very helpful, thank you, Severus."

Severus nodded absently, trying to like what Remus had just said. After being asked for his assistance in the garden, Severus had put down his book to show Remus the best place to plant wolfsbane. The garden was another one of Remus's time-wasters it seemed, but it had gained in importance because Severus approved, liked to take ingredients for more harmless potions (not poisons, never poisons). Severus had watched over the planting process like he had watched over the planting of Remus's rapidly growing Tentacula, which had stretched happily in the sunlight and curled its still rather short tendrils affectionately round the werewolf's ankle, when Remus got to his feet, wiping his hands on his earthy trousers.

"I'm glad that my garden survived my long absence, during my year at Hogwarts, not that I'm especially talented at gardening, I'm doing my best. It was my father's, you know, he would make ointments and soaps and other little things … I couldn't just let it wither …" he said, fondly looking down at his plants. "Indeed, since my return the Tentacula has been rather clingy." He looked round at Severus and reached out a hand to trace Severus's jaw. "Much like you."

Severus scowled, but didn't pull back. "I'm not clingy," he growled indignantly, supposing that the werewolf could not really have got a different impression from Severus's constant stays.

"Oh, yes," said Remus with a sweet smile, his thumb running over Severus's chin, "in your own way …"

Severus thought that Remus would not find it as amusing if he knew why Severus seemed "clingy". Then again, Remus probably liked it, enjoyed it, felt more self-confident because of it, he would fall very deeply in a year's time. And Severus would not be there to soften his fall. Indeed, he would be the cause. He thought that the lively Tentacula was right in holding firmly onto the werewolf as he kissed Severus, smearing soil from his cheek on Severus's.

"Should the Dark Lord conquer, I will make sure that you are not annihilated with the other werewolves," said Severus over tea that day, quite drily, and he realised that it could just have been mistaken for sarcasm. It wasn't, though. Without Albus, Severus was sure they would need to rely on Potter and he wasn't quite certain if that was a good prospect. Remus looked at him quite serenely for a few moments.

"That is very careful of you," he said seriously but couldn't suppress the smile that flashed over his face. "But I don't think that, should he rule the wizarding world long-term, it would be a pleasant life to lead, as a werewolf, as Dumbledore's friend, and one of the Order. There are three reasons for my 'annihilation' … and do not talk about it like that, it is disturbing …"

Severus glared at him. That man didn't even appreciate … but, no, who would? It had been a strange thing to say. "If I ask for it, you will be spared …" he tried but it didn't seem to make a difference.

"And you would want to stay in your Dark Lord's service? Instead of fighting him with the rest of us you would endure and ask for the lives of those that are on the death list?" Remus's voice was mild but his eyes were suddenly as piercing as his father's. Severus shifted uneasily. Why not stay in the Dark Lord's favour? Of course not more sincerely than now, but so long as there was no plan as to how one could get rid of him, why would he give up that position? It was helpful not only to him, in fact to him it was pure torture, but if it meant being close to the target and saving a few lives, why not? He didn't say what he thought, though, he supposed Remus would disagree, would think him an opportunist, like many others did, too.

Instead he sulked, visibly. "I find your remarks unnecessary," he grumbled and looked away, wondering if the Dark Lord would spare Remus, after all, he hadn't kept his promise the first time around. And he would probably kill Severus, rather than spare another unworthy creature for his sake … He heard the rustling of Remus's robes as he got up from the armchair to approach him and kiss the top of his head, laying his hands on Severus's shoulders.

"I'm sure you meant well," he said quietly, sliding his hands down Severus's chest and bending his head to Severus's ear. "Forgive me that I felt too … worried, to feel grateful. But it was rather a tactless offer."

"If I had tact, you would be far less fond of me," replied Severus sarcastically, but it made Remus smile against his cheek. An improvement. The werewolf's hand came to rest on Severus's cheek and pulled his head closer against Remus's in such affection that Severus's stomach churned with guilt and anxiety.

Severus kept his hands to himself over the remaining days of the holidays. Not that he would have wanted it, but he was irrationally angry and petulant with Remus. He didn't want to give the werewolf the satisfaction of being "clingy", nor did he want to forgive him for constantly speaking about the werewolves he wanted to join. Or, indeed, for the wish to join them at all. It was still weighing Severus's spirits down, even with Remus's promise to keep in touch and visit frequently. He was indignant. What was Remus thinking? That he could just get himself killed and be done with it? No sir! If he needed someone to save him from the savage beasts he would have to call someone else! _But Severus_, he mocked himself, _you would be the first to fly to his help, you love-sick wimp, you sappy moron, you – _

"Why are you glaring at me?"

Severus snapped out of his inner monologue and focused his eyes on Remus who was giving him skeptically raised eyebrows. "What?" he snapped irritably.

"You are glaring at me," said Remus, lowering his book ("Great Potioneers of the Age").

"I'm not," replied Severus, glaring.

Remus smiled an irritable smile – how very peculiar – Severus's glare melted somewhat. "Am I hallucinating or are you mocking me?" he said calmly, never giving in to his irritation like Severus would. Severus sat up straight and cleared his throat. "Are you angry at me?" asked Remus putting the book into his lap and Severus's eyes were glued to a picture of Belby, grinning smugly, disgustingly, at the ceiling.

"Yes," growled Severus and was glad that Remus had finally mentioned it. "Quite."

"What have I done?" asked Remus plainly, reaching out a hand to cup Severus's on the arm of the sofa. Severus opened his mouth, closed it again and thought about the question. What had Remus done? What had he done that justified Severus's anger? Oh, yes, he had been a fool. But that was one of his more amiable sides. Severus just looked at Remus, wondering what to say, but Remus was, as always, reliable. He spoke first. "Is it because I've been speaking of Harry?"

Severus raised an eyebrow. "You have?" he asked, perplexed. He had obviously missed something.

"You weren't listening, were you?" said Remus with an amused smile. "_I_ should be angry with _you_."

"As if Potter were that important," spat Severus, pulling his hand away from Remus's. "Who cares about him and his woes?"

"I do," said Remus simply, leaning back. "And ever since Sirius … well, I worry."

"Really? Then why don't you write to him? Visit him?" said Severus edgily. "I haven't seen you make that effort."

"I …" started Remus but fell silent for a few moments, biting his lip, a look of clear guilt on his face. "I don't really play a role in his life, do I?" he said after a few moments, the pain in his forced smile betraying his casual tone. "I'm just the werewolf who was once his teacher and is now in the Order, nothing more …"

Severus looked at the twitching corners of his mouth, wondering if it hurt him as much to look at the boy as it hurt Severus. Differently of course, but maybe equally. And even though Severus would have liked to agree with Remus and thus leave him to keeping his distance to Potter, he had to contradict for the heartbreaking expression Remus wore, lowering his eyes, picking at his frayed sleeve.

"You do not play the role you would like to play," he said, satisfied that this time it was him who knew. "That is your problem. But if you don't work for it, you will never become what you want to be to him."

Remus's smile stayed sad. "I cannot be what I'd like to be," he said softly. "Lily and James decided to shut me out, and when they died, I wasn't allowed to see Harry anymore. What I would have wanted is lost."

"Oh, please, don't," drawled Severus, rolling his eyes, "I'm sure you weren't hoping to be sleeping side by side with me one day, so don't tell me that you'll only take what you originally wanted."

Remus chuckled and shook his head. "I never expected to be so close to you, therefore it is a treat rather than a disappointment," he said so hoarsely that it made Severus shiver. He ignored the silly flattery and didn't reply. Remus didn't seem to be keen on the subject anyway, and luckily, he had forgotten about Severus's glare. He returned to his book, turning it round on its spine and propped it up on his knees. Severus considered the title again.

"Why do you have that?" he asked, finding Remus's interest in Potioneers rather unusual, and, indeed, the book seemed new, and it was ridiculous to think that Remus would waste his precious money on something like that.

Remus glanced at him. "It was given to me by Mr Blotts," he replied and smiled again when he saw Severus's disgruntled look at the mention of that name. "A bit after the Wolfsbane had been invented this came out as a new edition to take Belby into the list and since Mr Blotts knows of my condition, he found it might interest me."

"Isn't that Mr Blotts _awfully_ nice?" hissed Severus, snatching the book from Remus's lap, brushing the knuckles of his fingers against Remus's thigh very deliberately. The werewolf didn't complain, just inclined his head in agreement, his lips curling in amusement at Severus's irrational jealousy. Severus leafed through the book, finding Slughorn, Hector Dagworth-Granger, Rubens Winikus, Arsenius Jigger, Belby, of course, and after many other well-known names …

"What the –" said Severus quietly, having caught a glimpse of a dark man, glowering up at him, while turning the pages at some higher speed. He returned to that page and stared down at it. A pale, grumpy wizard in black robes was now glaring at him with considerable might. Severus's eyes widened in indignation and childish pride. "That's –"

"You," nodded Remus and Severus felt his smile burn into his skin. He felt slightly self-conscious. Thankfully this book wasn't likely to attract much attention, who would be interested? "I came across your picture quite accidentally, I might never have found it, had it not been for Belby …"

Severus cursed Belby. This arrogant idiot! Not only had he invented the Wolfsbane Potion that now helped Remus greatly, no he had also caused this particular bit of embarrassment. Severus could see by the look of the page that Remus had held it between his delicate fingers more than once, more even than a hundred times. No other page was used like this. Severus fought his blush. Remus had once regretted not having a picture of him, and this page looked as if he had taken it as a substitute … Severus tried to fight the glee he felt when imagining that Remus had caressed the page during the year they had been separate, like he caressed Severus's face. And he liked to imagine that his picture, like Remus's father's, had developed a liking of the werewolf and expressed all the feelings Severus had never been able to show. But this was only a picture in a book.

_Severus Snape, b. 1960, Professor at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, famous for his_ _achievements in the innovative improvement of potions such as Veritaserum, The Draught of Living_ _Death, the – _

Severus stopped reading. He was dissatisfied with himself. Just a few pages before his there was Belby with his invention of the Wolfsbane Potion, and Severus had only managed improvements. Never quite focused enough. Never quite ambitious enough to invent something important and meaningful. He didn't understand himself, he would have loved to be known for some special potions he had invented, something revolutionary or humanitarian. People would have looked upon him with respect and admiration, no matter how bad his manners were. In a surge of angry disappointment, he tossed the book across the room and was dangerously frustrated when Remus whipped out his wand, quick as lightening, to stop the book in mid-air and hover it back into his hands.

"Have some respect for other people's property, if you please," he said and his brow creased. "Why would you be angry? Isn't it an honour to be listed among the most famous names in the history of Potioneers?"

"Haven't you read it?" spat Severus forcefully. "Have you just looked at my picture and never actually read what they write about me?"

Remus raised an eyebrow and looked down at the page from which Severus's picture was scowling up at him. "What's wrong with it?" he asked, his finger tracing the lines carefully. "I've read it quite a few times, I have never found anything offending …"

"Or anything worthwhile," pressed Severus through clenched teeth, "compared to Belby's Wolfsbane Potion …"

Remus raised his eyes with an expression between amused and … pitying. "You are angry because they wrote about your innovations rather than about a great invention?"

"I haven't invented …" said Severus and fell silent, averting his eyes. They had called him a boy wonder in his youth, he had been a natural talent, he still had everything it took to invent something of the importance of the Wolfsbane, but he had never actually … Maybe he needed somebody to support him, somebody like Remus who would help him.

"Apart from the fact that I know you have made some inventions yourself – if not of as great importance as the Wolfsbane – I believe that I've told you before that improvements are just as important as inventions," said Remus quietly, closing the book to put it down on the table. "And you would show Belby best if you published the improvements you've made on the Wolfsbane."

"And maybe you would convince more werewolves of supporting Dumbledore, if you stayed where you are and acted as if you were happy with it!" snapped Severus irritably, believing that Remus could never understand what it meant to be on the same list as great inventors while being a mere Potions master himself, with awards in his glass cabinets that were meaningless and … really, Severus just had it burning on his tongue, this reproach that he could not keep to himself, he hated this stupidity that was Gryffindor bravery.

Remus looked at him for a moment, rather perplexed, then he folded his hands, sat up straight and cleared his throat. He seemed to be bracing himself. Perhaps to lose an argument and win it nonetheless. "I thought we had settled that matter," he said with a vague smile and Severus huffed.

"You said I couldn't change your mind, what else should I have done?" he grumbled, crossing his arms. Remus chuckled.

"Now that is very rational," he smiled. "I find it peculiar that you would wait so long to try it again. Very well, we can talk about it."

Severus waved his hand in angry dismissal. "What use is it? You will not heed what I say, you have not heeded it before."

Remus's brows knitted, his lips thinned. "That's not true, you know it is important to me what you think!"

"No, what's important to you is being important," replied Severus, narrowing his eyes at the werewolf whose face darkened slightly. Very unlike Remus.

"And you think I'm not?" he asked coolly, giving Severus an unpleasant chill.

"I think you forget that there is no need to join some murderous werewolf pack to be important," said Severus defensively, never quite sure how to react to Remus's indignation as it occurred only very rarely. It was unsettling. And it disappeared as quickly as it had come.

"Oh," said Remus eloquently, "I didn't … it isn't as if I didn't know that, Severus …"

"You don't seem to realise your importance to other people," drawled Severus, looking at the empty fireplace. "If anything happened to you, many would regret it."

"You would …" said Remus, and Severus felt foolish that he hadn't said it himself. "I thank you for saying that. And yet, if I don't try, I think I will regret it. It is something to do, you see, it is something only I can do …"

"Isn't that exactly what I was saying?" hissed Severus, leaning forward with a look that only Remus could recognise as entreating. "Why won't you see sense?"

Remus smiled and shrugged. "What am I to say Severus? You risk your life too. I know our situation isn't perfect now, but as soon as everything is over, we can start anew somewhere else, somewhere nobody will talk about us … will point and whisper."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "You would leave your friends?" he asked incredulously. "You would go away with someone like me?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" laughed Remus, getting up to walk towards him. "I don't have to pretend that I'm happy, you know?"

Severus swallowed when Remus sat down to his feet, leaning against his knees. His hand moved of its own accord and combed its fingers through Remus's hair, whirling his sweet scent into the air and to Severus's nose. Something forced its way into his mind at that moment, Remus's words still echoing in his head. Happy. Really?

"Have you always had that peculiar Patronus?" he asked softly, not quite sure if he wanted Remus to know by which lines he was thinking. "That raven?"

"Why?" asked Remus. Why did Gryffindors always have to ask why?

"Why is it that Gryffindors cannot answer a plain question?" he snapped, even though his harsh tone didn't reach his hand in Remus's hair. "What is it to you to know my reasons?"

"Well, I find it a strange question," replied Remus, amusement audible in his voice. "A Patronus doesn't just change for no reason …"

"But the girl –"

"Nymphadora had a hard time, extreme emotions … she was suffering greatly, no wonder that it would influence her magic," said Remus, his voice growing softer with every word. "She can't even morph anymore …"

"Yes, yes, that is all awfully sad but this is not about her," said Severus quickly and cleared his throat. "You had several situations in your life in which your Patronus could have changed … and a raven … well, if you've had it all your life it isn't relevant …"

"I see," muttered Remus thoughtfully, then he looked up at Severus with an extremely knowing smile. "You are referring to that 'your Patronus changes into the love of your life' assumption … do you believe the raven is you?"

Severus didn't meet his eyes. "I didn't say –"

"But of course not," said Remus, now grinning rather annoyingly. Insolent werewolf. "I can see it plainly in your eyes, Severus. Isn't that rather vain?"

Severus pushed the werewolf away from him, making him topple over but the only thing he caused was another one of those exquisite chuckles. "Don't mock me, I have no desire to add to your personal amusement!"

"Oh, Severus," said Remus, rolling his eyes while he clambered onto the sofa beside Severus, "I was just joking, I didn't mean to make you believe that the raven could not very well be you. But I must disappoint you, the raven has always been my Patronus … so, maybe that means you were meant for me?"

Severus turned his head, looking away from Remus. He shouldn't have asked at all. After all, Severus's Patronus was not Remus, either. And the worst was that the werewolf did not expect him to feel for him as strongly as he felt for Severus, even though Severus _did_ feel for him just as strongly. More strongly, maybe. Perhaps even worse, though, was the fact that Remus knew how Tonks felt for him, that she felt unconditional love for him.

In the corner of his eye he saw Remus waving his wand, wordlessly conjuring his Patronus, which spread its wings to soar about the room. Severus's eyes followed it reluctantly, and when it perched on top of the armchair he found it did look quite like him. A mere coincidence, then.

"It does resemble you, I see what you mean …" said Remus, nodding while his hand snaked into Severus's. "Maybe you are right, after all?"

Severus looked at him, but couldn't meet his eyes, just roamed his face and fixed his gaze on his lips. "You cannot interpret something into that raven that you do not feel," he mumbled, choosing his words quite deliberately for only one purpose.

Remus shook his head. "Why would you think that I don't feel it?" he asked, and Severus liked the way the corners of his mouth were tugged upwards by a smile. He always knew how to make Remus say what he wanted to hear.

And in the end it was Remus who demanded the touches Severus had been reluctant to give, and it was Remus who kissed him lovingly, who held him back in the evening and would not fall asleep without Severus's arms around him. And Severus found that, even though it was no confession of his undying love, his being clingy was a great comfort to Remus, one day before he would leave for the werewolves, whom he called his fellows but whom Severus would never compare to him. And it would be Remus who would regret it all. Severus couldn't meet his eye.


End file.
